I have been with my boyfriend for 2 months, and I know it doesn't seem like a long time, but because we had known of each other for over a year and really got to know each other about 8 months ago (summer 2007) we started dating in October and were in a relationship towards the end. I broke it off about a week and a half ago.

Basically I just felt it wasn't working, we have completely different views on some things in life, but in some ways we are the same. For example our sex drives were different, the way we took life, if something didn't go how he wanted it it always involved little arguments, disagreements etc. we never had a full blown argument, but at times I thought he was a little selfish. We had differences such as I like to be asked how I am, how's the day been, where as if I texted him that he would reply with something totally different as if I never asked him. Texts were always a little abrupt.

The things we had in common was that we both have been bought up similarly, and because I respect the way I've been bought up, it means a lot to me to meet someone from the same or similar background. In a way we were both a bit nerdy, into nature, walks, peaceful environments, animals, family time, etc. (And this is what I'm scared I'm throwing away)

But we differed in the way he was also into sex, porn, dirty texts, kinky sex etc, and I felt guilty because I was bought up to believe no sex before marriage, and although I slept with him because I loved him, I felt asking for dirty messages, kiny sex all came a bit too soon, but because I loved him I just gave it him without questionning. I also felt he was influenced by his friends, they are all millionaires, my boyfriend wasn't, they had whatever they wanted my boyfriend couldn't, he tried to dress designer, be like them but it didn't happen. I think his friends influenced him to porn and things, as he seems like me a nice quiet guy. Sometimes I couldn't help but think that he wasn't all that caring, as he never really asked how I was, but then in other ways he was caring, he always complimented me and looked after me. But I think his friends influence him far too much and this destroyed us a bit. I feel I'm throwing away a good lad because of sex issues and a few other things, as 75% of our convos were about sex, with talking about the night before, dirty texts or him telling me how much he needs it. I can't help but think he's slightly abnormal, I was at his one day and we were shattered we fell asleep and during the 5 hours of sleeping he has 2 wanks. He said he would change anything as he loves me, but when your that addicted to sex I'm not sure?

Now I've broken up, I'm devastated, but I'm not sure I am. I miss him like crazy, but when I think back to what we had so much I wouldn't miss. It upset me that the day after we split he went out and pulled a girl, for all I know he could be texting her now. He begged and pleaded for me back for the best part of a week, until I said please give me time to sort my head out, he knew it was totally over, in my mind there was no going back. But since Wednesday we have had no contact and I've been distraught, he's never left my mind, I'm thinking about him, what he's doing all the time. I think deep down I honestly thought he wouldn't be able to leave me alone after what he had been saying over the past week, but he said he would show his love by leaving me alone, and now we haven't had contact I'm thinking of the good times, and miss him.

I can't help feel like a selfish to be honest, I feel liked I've played with his emotions and then just dumped him for no real reason, he begged me back, and I refused and now he's gone I want him. My mind is just crazy, no one understands what I'm going through, and how much I think of him, maybe its just initial lack of affection, lack of love, lonliness, maybe it will pass, but I just don't want to do anything, my mind is with him, yet I'm not sure my heart is?

It's the initial lack of affection, lack of love, and lonliness that is making you want him back. None of your actions imply that you were selfish in any way. Rather, it shows how considerate, patient, and tolerant you were of his behavior. It's normal to question a break up, esp. if you're the one breaking up with him. I don't want to disparage your ex, but there seemed to be a lot (and by a lot I also mean serious) issues. Hence, the break up.

You are better off without him. Your mind knows this. Your heart will follows suit. Maybe it'll take awhile, but it'll happen.

Hang in there.

Thanks for your advice, I had another big chat with my mum tonight, and although she understands what I'm going through, she too said that in the long run it will be for the best. She said she's sure I will find another guy who will suit me better, because at the end of the day if someone has to completely change to be with someone there's no point to it, as then they aren't being them, I'm sure he will find someone to suit him, he is very good looking, but he knows this as well. Its just I don't think he can see the issues that he has, as he sees himself as normal, yet when I've spoken to my family and close friends they say the complete opposite.

It will be hard but tomorrow is a new week a fresh start and no looking back, or thinking well what if he does change. Thanks for your advice though, it really has helped me a lot to believe in myself and follow what my mind is telling me, sometimes backing up from a stranger who only knows a snippet, yet suspects and can fish out the truth from that snippet means a lot!

Don't feel guilty, as sometimes we are not compatible enough with our partner, to sustain the relationship for very long. It just happens. Accept it is over, and look forward to something better. Good luck.

It's interesting to see a post like this here since I had encountered a somewhat similar problem with my ex, although the specifics are a bit different.

There will always be some difference no matter what relationship you get into. The biggest issue here is how much compromise the both of you made and whether it was 50/50 (or at least close). Everyone is a little selfish, even if they're completely reasonable humans and have a compassionate heart. It's to defend yourself from being used all the time.

In your post, you've mentioned how you've compromised for him. But are there any incidents where he's done something for you or even at least tried? I'm asking this question for two reasons:
- How much effort he made in compromising is a gauge to tell if you're being too lenient or controlling.
- There's a possibility that you're too focused on yourself and your sacrifices during the relationship.

Also, how old are the both of you? If he's in his late teen or early twenties, his libido is going be pretty high (2-5 times a day). I understand that his sexual interests are uncomfortable for you, and he could have been a more considerate, but it's becoming more normal to have a greater focus on sex within a relationship in this day and age. I'm not saying that your perspective is abnormal though. It's just that you both have different values on this issue, as you've already mentioned.

It may seem like you're breaking up with him over a few minor things, like you said. But it's not really about how major or minor those things are. If it bothers either of you enough, it's pretty major. You've already made significant compromises and it seems like because he hasn't changed his behavior for the better, you gave up. This is a valid reason to be honest.

You may want him back right now, but try to think in a rational way. If you do get him back right now, what would the relationship be like? Would the same problems recur or would the both of you actively try to fix them?

It sounds like you still care about him, and that's normal. I still maintain contact with my ex and we're good friends. He's a bit more level-headed than how you've portrayed your ex, so we were able to continue regular communication immediately after the breakup. For now, it's best to maintain no contact because he's letting his libido carry his head. He'll probably have a problem with that for a while unless he can easily find someone who matches his sexual needs or starts calming down.

As for you, just spend more time with friends. Indulge yourself with ice cream and chocolates. Enjoy yourself and let yourself cool down. You will find out where your heart is when your emotions aren't all over the place.

Thanks so much for your help guys, in reply to the last post, I'm 19, and he is 21 very nearly 22 actually. I think deep down everything about me knows we can't be together and my choice was right, but since having no contact with him and because he's stopped begging for me back, I'm finding myself really emotional and really down. I just long for the days where I feel happy again. And I find myself thinking about him constantly, and wondering what he is doing, whether he is with another girl, whether he is thinking of me etc. its so hard. But me being me I shut myself away, I've got no urge to go out with my friends and have fun, I lock myself away and dwell on situations and no matter how wrong I know that is, its me and it's the what I do. I can't even concentrate at uni, as he is all that's in my mind, every time I get a text I long for it to be him, but I'm not sure if its not just lack of affection and attention and knowing that no one loves me anymore. I'm an emotional wreck, the slightest thing makes me cry, and I'm worried its more serious than I'm letting on. Are there any other ways you can get over lads?

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