Hi I have this problem. I'm quite the negative thinker which I'm trying my best to stop by redirecting negative thoughts to positive ones. But one thing that is very hard for me to stop worrying is how much friends one of my close buddies have compared to me. I have no friends because I really have trouble talking to people and having fun. I usually just hang alone at the library surfing the internet when I could just go out and interacte with people that do like me but aren't as comfortable with me since they don't know me as much. I am the shy type so just going to a person is very hard. I always wish they would just come talk to me instead of me having to go to them. I do try but I stutter and go into panic attacks. I had this problem in high school and its sadly carrying on in University where I always thought would be a new start for me.

I need some advice please. I'd appreciate it thanks.

Dear Smith. Try going to the library and checking out a few books on self esteem for starters. Once you see you are a wonderful person you will start acting like a wonderful person. Then check out some books on how to get people to like you. Ask the librarian for some help here if you want to. You'd be surprised just how easy it is to talk to a complete stranger. You need to learn the fine art of small talk. It's relatively easy once you learn the knack.

Start everyday by smiling at the guy in the mirror, and say I LOVE YOU, and have a good day. Do this everyday.

YOu have to learn to stop pitying yourself... no one wants to be around a person full of self pity.

Learn in depth about several subjects, that won't take very long... like a local sports team, national politics, aerobics, whatever you know about. These are your entres to being social with people.

Now you have something to talk about and be enthusiastic about when you are in a group of people, and you can get into some interesting discussions.

Don't be lazy... start working on yourself!! Start enjoying yourself!

Okay thanks for the advice.

Also I have this one other problem. My friend says to get Facebook but I'm worried I'll get embrassed once he sees my friends list. He might think I'm a loner when no one writes on my wall and the fact I have no one to write on their wall. A lot of people that know me have like 20 posts per day where I will for sure of nothing but one or two per week. It makes me think that there is no point of getting Facebook because I won't be talking to no one. What should I do? And trust me its not easy for me to get Facebook without people thinking how much of a loner I am.

Hey Smith,
It's always hard to get out and meet people, and it's even harder when you don't have much practice. But it's worth the effort and definitely worth the risk.
If you start a conversation with a random stranger, the worst that can happen is that it doesn't progress. If that's the case, you won't have to talk to them again, so there'll be no need to be embarrassed in future.
I'm sure your friends like you for who you are, not for the number of other friends you have. I have a lot of friends on Facebook, but the vast majority are people I see very rarely and don't consider very close. Don't worry too much about what people think.
Try speaking up more and just be yourself. People will like you for you, and if they don't they're not worth the effort.
If you want to say something to someone, say it and screw the consequences. Don't be apologetic or reticent about yourself. Just be you.

Take care,

Kal

Look for campus clubs that interest you; could be a computer gaming club, book club, or faith group that shares concerns. Can you take courses offered by university that have groups, such as dance, table tennis, tennis, billiards?

Well its hard for me to join clubs when I have problems approaching people :(

Well its hard for me to join clubs when I have problems approaching people :(

That's the problem, you let fear paralyze you into inaction. Put one foot in front of the other, and just do it. No buts', no excuses, Show some courage.

Well its hard for me to join clubs when I have problems approaching people :(
There are many volunteer groups and organizations that need volunteers; what that means is, you will not be turned away! There are faith-based groups like Salvation Army and others, like Red Cross. Your local hospital would probably let you volunteer.

There are people who are not like you out there, and they will come up to you and talk if YOU HAVE A SMILE ON YOUR FACE.

It's like "Hey, how are the Cubs doing?" or whatever. You know how to make conversation about your local sports team, see!!

HAVE SOMEONE GO WITH YOU UNTIL YOU GET SOME CONFIDENCE. :):):)

Okay I'm taking this one step at a time...


However today someone I know said if I was a loner because he hardly sees me with anyone or even sees me around for that matter. I just twisted the question around but it hurt me when he asked the question and the reason it hurt me is because its true. I hate when people think I'm a loner. What should I do?

Do we all have to be social butterflies?

Think of it this way: you provide balance in the world. You offer peace and silence and contemplative thought. You are a shady oak tree in the middle of a sunny meadow. You are a refuge from the turbulence of life. You are a quiet, safe, warm place during a blizzard.

Revel in your ability to be comfortable with only yourself as company. Most people cannot abide being alone and in the quiet of the moment, but must have company, a TV or radio blaring, an iPod plugged into an ear.

Never apologize for being a loner, for being who you are.

Yeah what looking at people have fun just puts me down. Even if I wanted to have fun its hard because I can't call anyone to start something. I don't want to be a loner, yet I can't find ways to stop it because nobody is out there to hang around with.

I regret the fact that I never hanged with people as much in high school. This surely now haunts me because everyone I know hangs with their old buddies from high schooll and hardly makes new groups of friends to hang with as often. I'm stuck alone because I feared people back in high school :(

I'm stuck alone

No, you aren't!!

I never hung out with anyone from h.s. once I graduated. The people I met in college and later in grad school were "friends" for a while, but they are no longer in my life.

Volunteer somewhere--at a hospital, a nursing home, a homeless shelter, an animal shelter, a church, a public library. There you will meet other people and maybe connect with some of them. Join a book discussion group at the public librarty. Become part of the local Y and get involved in various activities. Become part of a local cooking club or neighborhood Bible class. You don't have to be Mr. or Ms. Bubbly at any of these events. Observe and listen and ask an occasional question. Get involved and become a part of something. I'm the volunteer coordinator at the library where I work, and I supervise a lot of loners who enjoy giving back to their community.

I was thinking about getting Facebook to up my confidence I guess. Should I get it and risk having no one to talk to and make a fool out of myself with such a small friends list and such OR is this going to fast. Should I just focus on person to person confrontation rather than Facebook?

Thanks

smith1012 asks: "Should I just focus on person to person... rather than Facebook? Yes because you want to develop interpersonal skills which is more than typing messages; things like vocal tone and body language. Get a book or two from the library on communications if you haven't already; and find two agencies to volunteer in. Stick with it because I don't think you will be sorry.

I would hope that you learned confidence through interacting with live people, that share your interests, or through volunteer work.

Heard if you act confident then confidence will soon easily come up. Is this the best way, forcing yourself to act confident?

Do we all have to be social butterflies?

Think of it this way: you provide balance in the world. You offer peace and silence and contemplative thought. You are a shady oak tree in the middle of a sunny meadow. You are a refuge from the turbulence of life. You are a quiet, safe, warm place during a blizzard.

Revel in your ability to be comfortable with only yourself as company. Most people cannot abide being alone and in the quiet of the moment, but must have company, a tv or radio blaring, an iPod plugged into an ear. .....

That was beautifully said!

Heard if you act confident then confidence will soon easily come up. Is this the best way, forcing yourself to act confident?

I see it as practice, until you get good at it. Face your fears, with courage.