So, today I found out some stuff about my girlfriend that kind of hit me pretty hard. After my girlfriend and I had been dating for a little while, she asked me why I still had my "hotornot" account still active. I told her that I just hadn't got around to deleting it. She said that she had already deleted hers, and she thought it was pretty weird that I had mine still. So, I logged in and saw that she did in fact delete hers. I deleted mine as well, as I had no use for it. Well, I ended up finding that she has since re activated her "hotornot" account and didn't even let me know. Not only that, but I found out that she is talking to her ex boyfriend when we are not together. I found this out because she had paid her cell bill on my comp once, and never signed out. I saw that she has been texting him, as well as talking to him for long periods sometimes for over an hour! She of course fails to mention this also, and it looks like all of the calls/texts are happening when we are not together. The thing is that she acts like my girlfriend and everything i.e. very affectionate, telling me that I'm great and that I'm cute. It seems as though she is happy to be with me. I don't even know how I feel right now cause I'm kind of shocked. I'm not sure what to do. I want to break up with her because I don't feel as though its fair for me, as well as the fact that trust is coming into play. Any advice on how I should handle this situation?

Don't jump to conslusions yet. I know, that's like asking the impossible right now. Lol

But before you make up your mind to dump her, try talking to her about it. A lot of the time, when I'm talking to my ex, its actually because we're good friends now and I need his advice on something. And sometimes I will bug the crap out of him for an hour. Lol he hates it when I ask for advice with w/e new guy I'm seeing, but he still helps me if I need it. So its not fair to assume she's doing anything wrong until you've talked to her. Then you have to take things from there.

I'd say don't jump to conclusions either... but trust is one of the most important aspects of a relationship. My opinion is that if you are unable to trust someone, you shouldn't be with them.

What does she say about it?

Talk to her.

What's a relationship without communication?

Hmm... talking to the ex, in my opinion, is a red flag... unless they've been broken up for a long time and have since reconciled as friends.

The reactivation of the hotornot account + talking to the ex screams "needs attention"... perhaps she needs attention from people to confirm that she's attractive and wanted. I'd talk to the woman. Lay it out there. If she explains it, great. If she gets extremely defensive, well... there's your answer.

Thanks for all of the advice guys! So, I invited my girlfriend over last night because I just couldn't stand it anymore. I told her that I knew about the hotornot account, and she said sha accidentally did it when she was trying to check and see if I had re activated mine. Because that was the smaller of the two issues, I accepted her explanation. I then proceeded to ask her if she was being completely honest with me about everything, and she said no. I asked what she was being dishonest about (even though I already knew) and she said that she had been talking with her ex. I asked her why and she said that she had text him once just to see how he was doing and they started talking from there. SHe said that she is confused because she wants to be with me, but she thinks she may still have feelings for him, but is unsure. She said that she truly wants to be with me, but this is in the way. I thought about it for a bit, and I decided to end it with her for the time being. I mean, I didn't want to wait around, and have it end up with her leaving me and being with him. I did because I care about her so much, that it hurt to be with her because of what was going on. I just feel like if I don't talk to her and leave it alone, she may realize that she wants to be with me? I don't know if I did the right thing or not? On the one hand, I don't want to be hurt, but on the other I want her to know that I want to be with her so much. I just need some really great advice on my situation.

I think what you did was the best move. This way she has time to herself to figure out what she wants and you do not set yourself up for disaster down the road. My advice to you is keep you head held high and not to burn any bridges.

At least this way, you took control of the situation. If you didn't in about a week or two, you would have ended up on this site again saying MY EX WANTED SOME SPACE... WHAT DO I DO?

I think what you did was right. It is good to give her space to decide what she wants. Just be up front about it. Tell her, "Hey, I love you and care about you. I understand that you need time. I just want you to know that I am here for you."
That way she knows where you stand.

Sorry that you guys broke up!

Bravo to you for following through with what you think is right! You've got a good head on your shoulders!

I appreciate all of your support! Just another question. Do you think it would be advisable to do no contact with her? Or should I stay in contact to let her know that I still care about her? I'm not sure how to go about it as Im usually the one who has been broken up with!. lol I still want to be with her, but I feel as though I can't as long as her ex is in the picture. I'm not sur what she is feeling right now, and its really confusing to me. I know that they have not seen each other or anything, but they have juist been talking. Could it be that she just got sucked into the past? Maybe thinking of old feelings? Ahhhh, its so tough guys!

I know how tough it can be, and confusing, and you should take time, and space, to sort out your own feelings, before you worry about hers. Not to be harsh, but I am curious, why are you letting her treat you this way? Please don't say love, cause this ain't it. You deserve more.

I know I should be focusing on myself at this point. I guess that's part of the reason I made the decision to break up with her? I do have strong feelings for her, and when we're together its amazing. I'm not in love with her by a long shot. I would say that she had the potential for me to fall in love with her though. I'm not sure why I am letting her do this to me. I think I'd only be letting her do "something" to me if I gave in and called her, right? I'm just torn between wanting to call her, and fight for her, and not calling her. I know she has feelings for me, cause she shows me all of the time when we're together. She tells me all of the time how great I am. She even said that she does want to be with me, but that she is just really confused about everything. I just don't understand what it is that is confusing her.

That's why its so important to back up, and stop the confusion.

I guess I'm just afraid to back off too much. I mean, I don't want to just throw in the towel and basically tell her that I don't care if she gets back with her ex. I feel like she needs to know how much I care about being with her.

Every lasting relationship that is healthy has both sides chasing each other to some degree.

She doesn't know how she feels... OK... that's reasonable, or at least reality.

NC is about two things, making you feel what its like without the other person, and making the other person feel what its like without you. It isn't about a method of breaking up or gettng back together. Its about reality.

So... she's exploring an old relationship knowing it might sacrifice yours. Her call. Her decision. At this point, a "maybe i want to be with him" is "i dont want to be with you"...

She's not with you as long as she's exploring. And I can't even tell you that she should or shouldn't be with you. Don't know enough.

So as much as it sucks... best you can do is tell her you care about her, you think you'd like to be with her, and that she has a small time in which to decide you are worth chasing... and if she isn't willing to chase you down, she really isn't in it.

Reality is hard sometimes, but its better to live there than not. You can deal with the truth. You can get past this or move on, with or without her.

Just don't make it too convenient. If she needs to figure things out, OK. You are not her girlfriend. You are not her emotional butler. Don't be the shoulder she uses to get over you.

You don't have to be mean. You don't have to be angry. But you don't need to make it easy for her to walk away.

Tell her you care, tell her you are interested if she is all in, but outside of that you are stepping way back.

If in your absence she decides to leave for good... well, then she was half out the door anyway.

Sounds like you did the right thing.

SO, my ex contacted me last night and we had a conversation via text message. I asked her how she is doing, and told her that I missed her. Keep in mind, its only been about 2 days since we last saw each other. I told her that I didn't want to break up, but I didn't know what else to do. I told her that it is eating me up, and it seemed like the best thing for me. She said that she knows that I don't want to break up. She said that she just needs time. I told her that its hard because I feel like I'm the one that will lose in the end rgardless of how much I try. I asked her if she just wanted me to give up, and she said no. She told me to have a little faith and that she really cares about me, and there is no doubt about it, and that it hurts her too. She just told me that she just needs a break and time to think. It's so confusing for me, and I'm having a really hard time with it, as I think about her all of the time. I try and occupy my time, and do things to take my mnd off her, but it doesn't help. If you refer to my original post, I am just really afraid that she is taking this time away form me, and is still talking with her ex. I feel like if I don't contact her, then I am just handing her over to him. At the same time, I want to keep my distance so she could possibly see what I mean to her. I don't want to lose her, but its killing me. I checked her myspace last night while I was on there talking to a buddy of mine, and it still says that she is in a relationship, and she still has all of our pictures up. What am I supposed to do? You have all given me really great advice, and I'm sorry if I'm not catching on. I just really want to be with her, and I am really confused and lost.

I'm not in love with her by a long shot. I would say that she had the potential for me to fall in love with

You sure have a lot of emotional investment for someone that is only a potential love, but that in itself speaks volumes on the level of denial your in and why your handling this so badly. In a nut shell she is confused or not honest enough to make you understand you need to let go. Your confusion is you don't understand how she feels and are holding on to something that has died or is dying (denial). She says she needs space but your afraid to let go, but have no clue as to how to get what you have lost back. Dude ACCEPT that she is GONE, and LET GO, by NOT CONTACTING her at all. Not only will the confusion stop, but you will be able to move on. The lesson to learn, HOW TO COPE with loss, and rejection. Reread your own thread, and click the links in my signature, it will help reinforce what you are refusing to do!


I feel like if I don't contact her, then I am just handing her over to him.
That's up to her and her alone. She is not your property to have, or hand over.

At the same time, I want to keep my distance so she could possibly see what I mean to her.
Well she sure can't miss you if your begging her all the time, can she? No Contact can change that right now.

I don't want to lose her,
Not up to you. Stop running head first into a brick wall and learn we can 't always have what we want. That's life, now get it in gear.

It's not that I am refusing to do it. I know what I have to do. What I mean is that she is confusing me by the stuff she says and the way she acts. One minute she is telling me that she wants to be with me, but needs space to figure everything out. I tell her that I feel like Im going to lose regardless of how hard I try, and she tells me to have faith because she really cares about me. To me, this doesn't sound like she is FULLY breaking up with me. I mean like I said in my earlier post, she still has all of our pictures up on her myspace, as well as it reading that we are still in a relationship. The confusion lies in the fact that she has never said "We are breaking up". I've asked her if she wants me to give up and move on (If that doesn't make it easier on her to break up with me,then I don't know what does) she says "NO" and once again says that she just needs a little time and that she really cares about me. Talaniman, I hope you can understand where my confusion is in all of this. If I need to move on, I will, because frankly that would be easier then what I'm dealing with right now. Not knowuing, or understanding makes a person feel even more helpless then taking control and moving on in my opinion. What are your insights?

I hate to say this but it sounds to me like you never really had her to begin with. She was never over him she proved that by texting him to check on him and see how he is doing... So really what have you losted in letting her go?

I think I would implement the nc at least for a full week no texting, seeing each other or anything just loose all communication. If she misses you bad enough and truly wants to be with you it will drive her crazy and she'll leave him alone and come back to you. If it doesn't bother her she'll end up with him or someone else.

Look at it this way with you sitting on stand by waiting for her and giving her attention and from her getting attention from him it's not healthy for you and sounds like she's playing games.

Go out with friends and go on with your life. Time will be the true test. Good luck.

I've been speaking with my brother about the situation, and pretty much explained the same as I have stated here. He is agrees, and doesn't understand what she means either. His advise to me was to not contact her for a few days, and wait to see if she contacts me. He said that if she can't even talk to me in a few days, then she is probably not going to. He said that after those few days, if she hasn't contacted me that I should contact her and basically lay it on the line. As I've said, she has never made it perfectly clear to me that we are breaking up, instead she tells me not to give up. My brother said that If she hasn't contacted me, I need to tell her that she either wants to be with me, or she doesn't. Otherwise, I'll just have to move on. If she doesn't want to be with me, then I know that I can begin moving on, and getting over her. Here is the weird thing. Today, I have not spoken to her, and I received a text just now while writing this. She text me to let me know that there was some rice and vegetables in my fridge, and that I could eat it if I wanted to. I said "cool" The part that gets me is if we were done-done then why would she even care about telling me about some stupid left overs that are in my fridge? I understand about caring about someone, but it's not like I don't eat... lol I honestly think that it was just something to say to me, since I have not spoken to her, and that is unusual in comparison to the previous days. Any ideas?

So, I'm really confused here guys! I'm having a heck of a time figuring this out. I don't know what's right, and I don't know what's not right. On one hand, I read all of the posts here about taking "breaks" and what not, and some say DO NOT call her or talk to her, and some say that I have to fight for her so she knows that I care. How do I decide what is right for my situation? I didn't talk to her the day before yesterday, and yesterday I get a random text from her about some leftovers that are in my fridge. She said I can have them. I said "Cool, thanks!" that's all. About an hour later I get another text from her saying that "If you dont want me to text you, then dont text me back!" I said "What do you mean?" and she stated "It just seems like you had some attitude in that text!" This was like an hour later. I just told her that I was simply thanking her for the offer, and she said okay. I am so confused! If she didn't want to talk to me, then why the heck would any girl text to talk about some measly leftovers? I'm not sure, in this situation, if I should completely cut contact, or If I should keep it to a minimum? I need some advice here guys, cause this is driving me carzy. For me, and I'm sure for a lot of others, it would be easier if I knew we were completely done, because then I could really move on. But, alas, every time I ask if I should give up, or If we are done, she says "No" and tells me not to give up and have faith. She says she just needs time? But, when I give her time, she always finds something to say to me? I care about her a lot. Would she know this if I wasn't talking to her at all, or would this just show her that I really don't care?

Do you think its so healthy to be going through this confusion? Well stop it, and make a decision, for you not her. She is confused, and you need to man up, and stop being wishy washy, and letting her do this. If you don't know what to do, back off until you do, not keep going through the same thing over and over.

How long have you 2 been taking a break cause has soon has you've been taking a break for 3 weeks to a month you should end cause she's just pulling you along until she's ready to break up

OK lets back up for a second. At the beginning of this thread you were in control. You clearly broke up with her because she was talking to her ex-boyfriend. You laid it all out on the table, made a mature decision, and you were in control. Now fast forward a couple posts and all of sudden she has all the power. What's the deal!

Listen, you already know what to do you just don't have the strength to do it because your stuck on this girl. Have you ever heard of a woman's intuition? Well guess what, men have the same thing and its just as good. From the start of your first post you knew what you had to do but you were scared because of your feelings for this girl.

Let this girl know one last time that you care for her and would like a relationship with her, but at the moment you two cannot be together because she is confused. Tell her that once she is ready she is more then welcome to give you a call, but until then its best you go your separate ways. Give her a kiss on the cheek and say goodbye. From there no more contact and move on with your life.

Confront her directly about it and tell her how it makes you feel. And if you feel you need to break up, do it, straightforward like a man. She may not love you more for taking this kind of approach but she'll certainly respect you more for it.

I appreciate all of your support! Just another question. Do you think it would be advisable to do no contact with her? Or should I stay in contact to let her know that I still care about her?Absolutely no contact whatsoever. Let her think you've disappeared from the face of the earth. Then, if she eventually decides to contact you, keep the ball in your court and keep things strictly on your own terms.

I agree. Let her be. Back off.

Don't be rude or mean... just let her know if she needs time apart, then it needs to be apart... that you aren't going to pretend its different and you aren't there to be her girlfriend.

If she doesn't know you care, she doesn't know you.

If she doesn't chase you down and ask you back, she didn't need you.

You want the truth, whatever that ends up being.

I guess I'm just afraid to back off too much. I mean, I don't want to just throw in the towel and basically tell her that I don't care if she gets back with her ex. Don't tell her that but let her sense that. By not appearing to be needy, which is translated by her as "weakness", she'll have all the more respect for you.
I feel like she needs to know how much I care about being with her.No. It's just the other way around ; you need to know how much she cares about being with you. And you'll settle for nothing less. See, by thinking and talking like that you become one of her girlfriends. And that's repulsive to her. A man with backbone ; that's what she wants from you. Backbone includes not needing her in your life and being able to be just as happy with her as without her and not allowing yourself to be manipulated by her.

After reading the rest of your posts, I have to tell you to man up and be the decision maker. Don't worry about her saying whether you're actually breaking up ; you make the decision. You tell her you're broken up because you're not satisfied with the way things are. I know that breaking up isn't what you may have initially wanted but part of being a man is being willing to make decisions that you may not necessarily want to make. As it is, I don't see why you wouldn't want to break up since you obviously aren't getting what you want or need from this relationship. Then it's no contact all the way. Go out and live your life and let her be the one doing the wondering and being the confused one.

After reading the rest of your posts, I have to tell you to man up and be the decision maker. Don't worry about her saying whether or not you're actually breaking up ; you make the decision. You tell her you're broken up because you're not satisfied with the way things are. I know that breaking up isn't what you may have initially wanted but part of being a man is being willing to make decisions that you may not necessarily want to make. As it is, I don't see why you wouldn't want to break up since you obviously aren't getting what you want or need from this relationship. Then it's no contact all the way. Go out and live your life and let her be the one doing the wondering and being the confused one.

I'll be darned, if that wasn't well said.

So, since she has not said we are broken up, and every time I ask she says "No" she just needs time, is there a time that I should contact her. Right now, I am doing no contact, and I haven't heard a word from her since Friday. Im just getting the feeling that she is waiting for me. See, she is the kind of girl that will not call me, just because I haven't called her. It's the "If he doesnt want to call me, then I wont call him" sort of thing. I know it's childish, but that's the way she is. It's only been 1 day since we talked, and already I feel as thougnif I don't talk to her, I'll lose her forever. I know that a lot of people here feel that way when doing no contact.

Yes they do, but to heal, don't give in to the impulse.

Understood. It's just that in my situation, because we haven't actually broken up, I'm almost thinking that she wants me to call her at some point. Like I said, she said she just wanted space, and time. I am really unsure as to what "Space and Time" means. From what I've read on this forum it boils down to about 10 different things.. lol

Every guy here has told you to man up, I wonder why??

I know, I know! I feel as though I'm doing pretty good, diven the circumstances. I mean, I might talk a lot about trying to contact her, but the reality is that I have not! My question now is that since it was never made clear that we were breaking up, and it was clear that we were taking a break, don't I have a right to know what is going on? I mean, I have tried to give her an easy way to say yes we are breaking up, by asking her if she wanted me to give up. She does not want me to give up, and still just says that she need a little time. I mean, it's hard for me to consider moving on if its not clear to me that we're over. At least then I will know and I can take the proper steps to heal. I understand how the whole break up thing goes, and I know all of the advice you guys give me is for my well being. The difference this time is that we are not broken up according to her, and right now there are no bad feelings about anything. We barely even used to argue. This is far different then when I was on here 10 months ago talking about a really bad, and clear break up. That's why its so hard for me to understand what is going on, and what I should do. I honestly don't think that the answer to everyone's problems here is the No Contact rule, as this seems to be everyone's prescription for heartache. I don't understand why everyone's answer here is to turn there backs, and look the other way. Almost every post I have ever seen from talaniman ends with "Absolutely no contact". I could really use some concrete sound advice here

Dear lord...

Do what the hell ever you want.

You've been told our opinions and now you want to b!tch and moan about how they don't fit your opinion??

OK... that's fine. Its your life.

Man up and do whatever you want. Just don't whine and complain when things are screwed. You are choosing this.

I think some things you need to learn for yourself. I have no agenda to be against you. I just hate watching a person throw themselves under the boot that is about to step on them.

You disagree. OK!! I get it.

So do whatever you think is right and stop picking apart the great advice you've been given. Pretty clear you aren't going to follow it... so why keep coming back??

Grow a pair and live your life however you choose to live it.

Almost every post I have ever seen from talaniman ends with "Absolutely no contact". I could really use some concrete sound advice here

No Contact is for you to heal, get healthy, so you can make good decisions. That in my book is sound concrete advice to a shocked, crushed, dumpee, who is to confused, to know what to do. Don't you agree? What the heck do you expect for free?

I know, Im sorry Talaniman. I know your trying to help, and I know that Im not thinking clearly at this point. Sometimes it just seems that no thought is really given to my situation and the easiest answer to come up with is to say don't contact her. However, in my situation its hard. She didn't say that we are broken up, and says she just needs time. I understand that. She doesn't want me to give up on her, or us, and she's made that clear. If she had said that we were broken up, I would read through all of the posts here, and do what I did to get over my last relationship. It would be far easier! Don't you think? I know she needs space, and I am giving it to her, just as she asked. As much as its killing me, Im doing it, and I feel bad for doing it? I guess Im concerned with the uncertainty of the whole situation. Its uncomfortable sitting around and waiting for what I think will be a goodbye. I know I can choose not to put myself through that by just saying goodbye to her and calling it a day. But the fact is that I want to be with her, and I can't give up on something that hasn't ended yet. Do you see where I am coming from?

I give up.

Be her butler.

When she's thrown you to the curb after she's realized that you are just her girlfriend, don't come back asking why.

Time for me to unsubscribe from this thread.

Sucks to be you. Most of us have been there before, but you need to learn this lesson on your own. Get ready for some pain, buddy.

Sucks to be you. I am done trying to save you from the inevitable.

All right take a step back and breath for a second. Now relax and listen to what everyone is telling you with an open and objective ear.

See the problem is that you think your situation is different. You feel, and understandably so, that because there was no official end to the relationship that you still need and should work at trying to keep this girl in your life. You feel that if you just work hard enough things will turn out well and you'll both live happily ever after. The problem is that your situation is no different from what many other people on this site have been through.

OK so you two have not broken up, we get that. However, that really doesn't change anything. If there is any hope of you two continuing this relationship then this girl needs to learn to appreciate your presence in her life and the only way to do that is for her to miss you. So you need to cut out as much contact with her as possible in order for this to occur. How do you think she will ever learn to miss you if you are always there for her every beck and call. Think about it.

It could be that she doesn't want you to know she's talking to him because she doesn't want you to get the wrong idea. A strong relationship involves communication- definitely talk to her

I forgave my girlfriend from having been talking to the ex in secret for three months. That happened 6 months ago. Back then, she said she really wanted to be her whole life with me and that she didn't tell me so I don't think anything wrong, but after more questioning, she accepted he had given her a kiss, and hadn't do anything about it. She said she had a weakness and liked to see him after her because she had suffered a lot for him in the past. But that, besides that kiss, nothing else happened and that she just talked to him as a friend and avoided any "romantic" thing from him. Well, as I said, I forgave her and we had a great time together since then. She did stop talking to him. But... two weeks ago, I realized she had texted him, and since then they had some kind a brief text communication every day. When I confronted her, she first denied it, but had to confess because I had the proof. Then she got very defensive and explained how she had just felt she had been to tough with him months ago when she asked him not to text her anymore and wanted to let the friendship in good standing. She said that their communication was very naïve, such as "how are you" "fine" "I'm glad you are not angry", etc. She said She loved me and wanted me to trust her and that she wants to be with me the rest of her life. I have to add she is a good girlfriend in other areas, she is pleasing, she cooks, washes clothes, cleans my apartment for me (we don't live together, but spend most of our free time together, she just doesn't sleep in my apartment) she is funny, a good company, flexible, and very affectionate. It is hard for me to break up with her, because she gives me so much. So, now that she lied again, I don't know whether I should leave her, or if this corresponds to her age, she is just 20. Any advice?

It's a tough choice , I tried to break up with mine but I couldn't get over her and went back to her, she treats me like but I love her and don't want to lose her, and I think about breaking up with her a lot but when we aren't together it hurts too much to forget her or even get over her :(