I was with my boyfriend on and off for 5 months, as sex got in the way of us. I have been bought up to believe in sex after marriage and don't in anyway tolerate dirty/kinky sex. My boyfriend obbesses over dirty sex, he loves it, he loves porn and expressed his fantasies of me dressing up, anal sex, filming us, lingerie, dancing, role plays, sex toys etc. I went along with a lot of it for a while, he new I was uncomfortable with some, but he still talked about it. He always wanted dirty messages and I always felt that whenever we went out he wanted to rush home to get back for sex, he was always asking when the next free house was, but not that that mattered as we had sex when out parents were in, we were just incrediably quiet.

Basically I broke it off with him, and he couldn't accept it, telling me he loved me, I was all he wanted etc. I kept saying my mind was made and gave him no hope of the chance of us getting back, he said you had to fight for love, talk more, and that I needed to give him the chance. He started to get a bit frustrated and every now and again I would get the odd not do nice text where his frustration was coming out, but generally on the whole for the past week and a half he has contunally sent me nice texts, begging for me back.

Last night I was getting that sick and bored of hearing the same thing, I told my mum everything, about his porn, sex fantasies etc, to put her off him even more, because despite his sex he is a nice guy and does mean well. I told him to leave me alone and stop texting, but he promised he wouldn't give up on love! I told him I would explain to him over the phone why I had dumped him, so today he rang...

On the phone we chatted for 2 hours about why I wasn't happy and he got really upset saying he didn't know I felt that way and all I needed to do was tell him whilst we were together. I told him no matter what he was always going to prefer and what different sex to me, but he told me he loved me and if you love someone you are prepared to change everything and anything to suit and make me happy, but then I argued he wouldn't be happy, but he said he would. He explained a lot and it was really touching saying he had never felt the way he had towards me for anyone, and that all he wanted was me, he loved my good and bad and me for me, and whether I wanted sex or not he doesn't mind as long as we are together. He said he loved being with me and I made his other half, I'm his best friend and soul mate.

I've slagged him off rotten to my parents and friends, they now hate him with a passion, the only person that understands the way I feel is my mum and deep down I think she could forgive him because he does have nice things about him, but my dad feels he is a pyscho and telling me that he's been harassing, blackmailing, emotionally messing with me and that I should have no more contact with him, my sister agrees. She has never liked him as right back at the start of us my sisters boyfriend introducded himself to mine and he was a bit patronising apparently? I don't now what was said! My friends hate him, said he tried to take advantage of me sexually, but I never spoke to him I never said no we won't do that because I don't want to. When I told him this he broke down and said it upset him as he would never take advantage of me.

Now I'm stuck, as I don't know what to do, I feel everything he is saying is fair, and that I should give him the chance he deserves, but I'm not he would change or could change, he always going to be that way sexually, and fair enough he isn't abnormal, everyone's views on sex are different, but I just feel that he would or I know he would never be accepted back here, my dads ready to take the next step for harassment, and makes me turn my phone off after about 11.30 at night and wants me to delete his messages before I read them.

Its just the phone call made sense, but my dad told me not to speak to him, my mum knows I did. Its obvious how confused I am as I felt trapped with him and I don't want to go back to that, yet I feel he deserves a chance, he said words and texts can't show his love for me and he really wants to, he said I would notice a massive difference, he said if it doesn't work that's fine he accepts that and would walk away knowing it didn't work, but he's talking about loving me so much that he wants it to work, he feels I'm the one.

I think deep inside I don't want to go back to it, as I am the sort of person wo enjoys being alone, having me time, having family time (as I respect my parents more than anyone in the world) and it worries me that I wouldn't be able to find someone who loves me the way he makes out he does, I can't prove it but from the way he keeps trying and the fact he won leave me alone it makes me wonder, as he has been so persistent and says he will never give up as that's how much I mean to him. There is just under 3 years between us, I'm still at uni he is looking to settle down in life and maybe that's another reason why it was hard as he was looking for something more serious than me, he's been in relationships I haven't. He says he loves me more than his other serious girlfriend of 3 years. And we have only been together continually for 7 weeks.

Basically I just don't know what to do, even if I can't get help from here I just needed to speak to someone to try and sort my head, all he is asking for is a chance, and he's made me believe I didn't give it to him, I feel I'm in the wrong, but I'm not sure I can go back, I want to respect my parents, my mum would understand but my dad and sister wouldn't. Maybe I should believe them and follow my heart, but how do I tell him its over, if he really does love me, he will be gutted, and he will think I'm such a bad person, he says I've played with his emotions, told him the night before I dumped him I loved him and now I feel bad, but my dad says its all emotional blackmail and that he probably doesn't mean it, but after the phone conversation I can't help but think he does love me, he wants to start of being friends building up trust and he said it wouldn't be easy but the love he has for me is so strong he can't throw it away that easily. He says I've made a big mistake!

The thing is I know that if I stick to my guns, and don't give in, he will probably turn quite nasty on me, and now I've told my parents everything I don't know what to do at all?

He's has revealed his most intimate thoughts? You find him intolerable and unacceptable? And you want to get back into that? I guess I am wondering how old you are? If you are having problems with maturing and growing up, I guess Mom and Dad would be the place to turn. If you are having relationship problems, adult/marital problems, sexuality issues, you may need someone with professional skills. My first thought is get this guy out of your life. Otherwise, seek a competent counselor from your local mental health clinic, or a trusted pastor, priest, or rabbi.

Listen... You are incompatible sexually... you have a LOT of sexual repression and he doesn't.

I'm not telling you to do what you aren't comfortable doing. You should always do only what you are comfortable with. But you might be happier with a guy a bit less open minded about such things than this guy is.

Besides after what you did to him with your parents means its going to be almost impossible that should you work things out together he will EVER get a fair treatment from them or respect from them. And that is going to cause a LOT of problems in the long term. Because of that he will resent your family.

That's why I think private stuff like that should remain between the two people and not shared with others that know you.

I've dated women that were closed minded and wouldn't do this, they wouldn't do that... the type that say you only put that thing here and don't even think about anything else. Glad I didn't marry them... but that's just my opinion, it would have been painfully boring after a long time together. That's why I recommend someone that shares either your degree of open mindedness or closed mindedness. Alt least you will both be on the same sheet of music and not developing resentment for the other.

You are already broke up... its easier to let it stay that way than go through this same thing over and over.

I'm only 19, he is 22. I think I know my hearts telling me that, yet this guy is begging for me back, telling me I haven't been fair. I'm one of those girls that's sits back and doesn't speak her mind, he is breaking my heart and he probably knows that. But he seems so genuinine. How can I get away from him, my dad said ignore all messages and phone calls and if it doesn't stop by next week then action must take place. But after I've spoken to him I will have to tell him its final. The thing is he has a job interview on Monday and he's sayign I have no heart dumping him so close to it, he says people in work think that's cruel of me, and I'm worried about work, and what people will think of me.

He sounds like an immature, mama's boy; and he's using emotional blackmail: "...hes sayign i have no heart dumping him so close to it, he says people in work think thats cruel of me...."
Just my thought, but if he were a mature guy, he wouldn't be soliciiting opinions about your relationship from people at work, and using the opinions to modify your behavior.

I find it sad, as he has so many nice qualities yet he is totally influenced by friends and porn. In so many ways we are on the same level yet in so many others we aren't. He said he had to tell people in work as they wondered why he was so down (we both work at a shop, part time) I fear what people will say and think of me. He is saying I'm in the wrong for not giving him that chance. I can't help but think the amount of trying he has done he must really love me, but no matter how hard I think, I think I'm happier alone and I know that his sex drive will not change, and it would worry me that behind my back he would become more into porn as I would give him less sexual attnetion, but it bothers me knowing how sexual he is that he is so so so prepared to give it up for me, but I guess words could mean nothing, I don't know?

You both don't have the maturity to deal with this right now for one reason or another. It's a perfect example of a great reason to move on and date others. I see nothing but a caustic relationship here.


You talked with your parents about private stuff, and he discussed this with friends. Both very uncool.

i find it sad, as he has so many nice qualities yet he is totally influenced by friends and porn. in so many ways we are on the same level yet in so many others we arent. he said he had to tell people in work as they wondered why he was so down (we both work at a shop, part time) i fear what people will say and think of me. he is saying im in the wrong for not giving him that chance. i can't help but think the amount of trying he has done he must really love me, but no matter how hard i think, i think im happier alone and i know that his sex drive will not change, and it would worry me that behind my back he would become more into porn as i would give him less sexual attnetion, but it bothers me knowing how sexual he is that he is so so so prepared to give it up for me, but i guess words could mean nothing, i dont know?!


He won't be giving it up... he will harbor resentment towards you more and more till you eventually have another blowup and break up.

I am not telling you to give in and do it. That's your choice. What I am saying is because of this there is the oil and water thing going on. Yeah you can shake it up but it will still separate because neither of your natures have changed.

Can I just add I haven't told my parents everythin, they do not know we slept together, they just know his likes and fantasies. I'm very close to my parents and I felt guilty, as I repsect the way I have been bought up. I feel harsh on him, and I feel that maybe I am in the wrong and that I haven't given him the chance but I don't want to go back to him I don't think, I don't think I'm ready for any relationship commitment, I'm happy spending time with friends and family and continuing my uni work, but this guy will not accept that, and the more I say no the more powerful he gets, I'm scared it will blow up and he will say something in work that will cause gossip and badmouth me so much that something bad happens

jellybellybean88 writes: "...im happy spending time with friends and family and continuing my uni work, but this guy will not accept that, and the more i say no the more powerful he gets, im scared it will blow up...." You need to weigh the 'pros' and 'cons', as you are doing. I think it helps to write these events and share them, and weigh the responses you get. The things you have written about this fellow definitely cause me some concern, and your precautions seem legitimate.

Well he told you those fantasies in confidence. Not expecting you to relay them to your parents. Particularly since you are unwilling to participate in them. That is an act of immaturity. Sorry to tell you, you parents don't discuss what they do together, nor should they... same with that.

If you insist on putting up walls and barriers then expect him to do the same... then what kind of relationship do you have? Not much of one is the correct answer.

You want everything your way... since you are clearly saying everything you want is right, and everything he wants is wrong. That's something else that's not terribly mature to do. It shows a great degree of selfishness. You want him only if you can have everything your way. That's no relationship.


I'm not saying he is right about everything... I'm only commenting on what I've heard so far. And yeah... I've known women like that. I'm speaking from personal experience with that mindset. You might be ready to date casually, but I'm seeing all sorts of red flags that you aren't ready for a relationship. And most certainly not with him. You won't change yet you expect him to. That's both a fatally wrong thing to expect, and an indication of immaturity. We all learn people don't change, and you can't make someone change.


You have to accept someone as they are... or move on. I don't see a lot of reason to stay with this guy. You are both too different.

You only get one chance to make a first impression. He used his... by showing the side of him that he did. Your concern that he will get nasty toward you if you don't get back together with him says a lot. Sounds like you are a nice person, considering doing something to make him happy. I hope not out of fear, but it sure sounded that way in what I read.
Emotional stability sounds like something you are looking for, and from your posts this guy does not seem to be demonstrating very much of that.

If he says anything at work, he can dig himself a big hole... He can get into trouble for sexual harassment... You don't have to acknowledge any truth or deny anything either... He will end up looking like he has a case of sour grapes... just don't talk about him to co-workers... all you have to say is that you learned about yourself and that you are not ready for a relationship... nothing wrong with that. Wish him well and let him be a jerk if he wants too. You owe him nothing.

You only get one chance to make a first impression. He used his... by showing the side of him that he did. Your concern that he will get nasty toward you if you don't get back together with him says a lot. Sounds like you are a nice person, considering doing something to make him happy. I hope not out of fear, but it sure sounded that way in what I read.
Emotional stability sounds like something you are looking for, and from your posts this guy does not seem to be demonstrating very much of that.

Telling her parents about HIS fantasies was a huge mistake on her part. If MY girlfriend did that I'd be rightfully pissed off as well. You don't get much more personal than that.

Both sides have expressed extreme immaturity here... not just him, and not just her.

thanks guys appreciate your help but smoothy you really aren't helping out too much. I'm prepared to give and take, but if I have been bought up that sex is love making and passionate then I am going to believe that, this guy is in to porn, dirty sex and wants me to be a whore behind closed doors, I did compromise I gave him a lot of dirty sex and now I feel guilty, as I feel I've betrayed my parents views. I'm not saying he is abnormal, he's said he's prepared to change, I didn't come on here to get people on my side, I came on here to hear peoples views and advice and I need it so much. It depends how you view it, some would say this guy is harassing me and emotionally blackmailing me, some would say I'm wrong, I haven't given him the chance, and that I should try again, but most go with the first choice. This guy has never had an esay break up, he obviously can't handle it and tends to choose the worst option of threats, blackmail, horrendous things, and a lot of people have sincere hate towards this guy.
it is sad as like I said I think he could be a lovely guy, but this guy openly talks about sex with his parents, his parents talk about their sex life with him, he's obvioulsy been bought up in that envrionment I haven't, but this guy cannot accept no for an answer, he says I've messed with his emotions, done it at the worst time, he wants a chance "for him" and he wants inner peace, he said to me that if I did this to another lad it would kill him, but cos he's strong he can cope, he said I'm going to scar him for life, but I feel I can't reply as perhaps he means it, he says his confused as no has ever thrown away love so easily and that love should be fought for, but I'm scared to go back now. If he loved me he would not have picked up a randomer on the town a few nights ago, but he said it was a drunked mistake, I'm not sure I can forgive him for that, but he will not accept no!
I'm not sure what I came on here for my mind is crushed, half thinks maybe he could change, but deep down I know what he wants and I don't think it will change, but he says he can't express how frustrating it is as he wants that's chance! It makes me feel bad and I think I came on here for advice, not really to be told I'm immature and not ready for situations like this, the fact is its happened and I need ways to deal with it, not make me feel even worse than I already do!

Please, do not feel bad when looking out for yourself. I think you should put his whining and pleading behind you, just my opinion.

Well. Its immature of him to make threats and blackmail you... if that's what he is doing. Keep in mind, a relationship is a two way street. And you can't dominate both sides and decide unilaterally what will and what won't happen. There will be a crash.

I'll bet his parents don't talk about their sex lives with him... talked about sex maybe, since the street is not the right place to learn about a lot of stuff. There is a HUGE difference between those two.

Basically... You aren't the queen, and he isn't the king. It's a partnership not a dictatorship.

So much emotional immaturity on both sides here. Neither of you are ready for a relationship from what I've heard so far. At least not with each other.

Again, you owe him nothing. If he does something stupid, that is his problem.

Master manipulator comes to mind.

Be done with it and let him say all he wants. Sounds like people know him for what he is.

Thanks george_1950, you have helped me out. smoothy I've been at his house whilst his parents have spoken about how good sex was, and when they have it, and his mum even said well your father may not be good at that but he has bedroom talents, and this was all in front of me!

thanks george_1950, you have helped me out. smoothy ive been at his house whilst his parents have spoken about how good sex was, and when they have it, and his mum even said well your father may not be good at that but he has bedroom talents, and this was all infront of me!
That's certainly not normal behavior in front of your kids... no matter what age.

My parents were both far from prudes but that topic was NEVER discussed in the house in front of the kids.

Well, my parents wouldn't give details about their sex lives, but we were WELL aware that they had a healthy one. Kind of hard to hide that stuff in a 900 square foot apartment, especially from teenagers.

There would be jokes about their sex life when we were older (I once pointed out an grossly fat woman --she had to weigh about 450 lbs -- and nudged my mom and asked her if we should approach her on behalf of my dad, as a mistress [okay--before people get REALLY weird, it's an ongoing family joke. We ALL send pictures of toothless, hairy, fat, ugly AWFUL looking people as possible mates for each other, even the married people] and she gave a look and said "No, you dad likes me on top sometimes and she'd squish him". Ew.) but my parents NEVER told us details.

The long and short of it is that we were taught to respect our bodies,and to make anyone we were dating respect our bodies, but that sex is something that can and should be talked about. If you had talked to your boyfriend about your views before you talked to your parents about his fantasies, you wouldn't be where you are right now. You were in a 5 month relationship and had sex with him before you could TALK about sex with him? How silly is that?

All of that being said--tell him you're sorry, it's over and ask him please not to contact you any more. You can not salvage this relationship at this point--you think he's perverted, you told his fantasies to your parents (which I agree he has the right to be upset about). I don't blame him, either, for being upset that you're ending the relationship over a problem he didn't even know existed until you ended things--how is THAT communication in a relationship, anyway? You're supposted to talk to EACH OTHER, not friends and parents!--but the fact is, the actions by both of you have doomed this relationship at this point.

I'll tell you what I think, this bloke will be better off without you, on the one hand you say... "I'm one of those girls thats sits back and doesnt speak her mind"... hell, then on the other, you have done a lot of talking with your family and friends and turned them all against this bloke, and then you told him the night before you dumped him that you loved him, and now you feel bad, huh, what about this poor bloke, you think your confused, you owe it to this bloke, and tell him that you're a two faced, attention seeker, and that your no good for him or anyone else, until you grow up... all this because your narrow minded when it comes to sex, saying that, I'm not suggesting you do things your not happy doing. Good Luck you need it.

This is a Board for *Adult* Sexuality, and your situation seems to call for a person who is an expert in teen relationships.

That said, be sure and follow what your parents suggest. :)


Have a wonderful 2008!