I am currently pregnant with my first child. The father is not involved. What rights does the baby have to collect child support from him?

Is it ethical to force financial child support, when he does not want to be involved? Yet, he has said that he will provide support. He says that and then doesn’t actually do it. As of today, I haven't asked him to provide a dime. He has just stated that he will. I want him to be involved with the pregnancy, and he doesn't want to be. More important than financial support is emotional, spiritual, physical, educational and family support. How can I have him be involved in the child's life?

What rights does the baby have to collect support from the bio father, when the mother makes more than the father? I make more money than he does.

Also, he has impregnated two other women before, and gotten off scott-free. The 2 other women aborted the babies. He wants me to do the same, but I don't want to.

His and my relationship has been on/off again for the past 8 1/2 years. He thinks that I got pregnant on purpose, which is not the case. Or that I lied about my medical history, and knew I could get pregnant. The doctors told me that it would be difficult to get pregnant, but not impossible. I told him all of that and more. What rights does he have if he claims that I did this on purpose?

I don't want to be hard line or tough, but this wasn't a one night stand. He says one thing and does another. I'm so confused.


:confused:

You have every right to collect financial support. I don't think you can force involvement from the father however.

The financial support may have to wait until the child is actually born. The amounts are often based on a comparison of the two parents income.

Then, based on the total of the two incomes, the court arrives at an amount of support for the child. The percentage of the total that the father earns... such as if he earns 40% and you earn 60% when both of your incomes are added together... is the percentage of the court determined support.

I am only saying that is how cases I am familiar with were handled. It might be different in different areas.

You can't make him want to be there, just stay upbeat yourself, I know it's hard but by you keeping the baby and being excited about it may help him come around eventually.
It doesn't matter if you make more $ or not you are still entitled to support payments.
I have been though this before to, if you want to talk further about anything just let me know!

I'm sorry for the lack of compassion, but you need to hear the truth:

Kick his sorry butt out. 8 1/2 years or not, this guy's a deadbeat and not someone you're going to want your child around. He doesn't care now and odds are he's not going to care in the future. He got 2 other women pregnant and didn't want those kids; why would he suddenly become responsible and involved? You deserve so much better and so does your child! You are not garbage; stop letting him treat you that way!

I'm sorry for the lack of compassion, but you need to hear the truth:

Kick his sorry butt out. 8 1/2 years or not, this guy's a deadbeat and not someone you're going to want your child around. He doesn't care now and odds are he's not going to care in the future. He got 2 other women pregnant and didn't want those kids; why would he suddenly become responsible and involved? You deserve so much better and so does your child! You are not garbage; stop letting him treat you that way!



Did you read the thread, they obviously DO NOT LIVE TOGETHER! I have been there and yes the father did come around and we are now in a awesome relationship and he is the best father ever, Not ALL men Are complete jerks!

Thanks to everyone who replied.

This is off the subject of law, but in response to the replies that were given.

Yes, I have kicked him out of my life. Twice: over the span of 8 years. [We dated Jun 99 through Dec 99, and then I broke it off. We dated again Jan 02 through Aug 02, and then I broke it off. We were "Just Friends" Aug 02 through Dec 03, and then I broke that off too. We dated again March 05 through Sept 07, when I told him I was pregnant with his baby. After I told him, I am pregnant, then he breaks it off.]

I have never lived with him, nor do I plan to live with him now. He keeps coming back to me, pursing me. And no, it wasn't because I gave him sex. He came back twice, before I putt-out even once. I want to believe that he cares about me, even if he doesn't love me. He knows that care about him, deeply, even love him. But for my own sake I have kicked him to the curb.

The FOB is not the common dirt bag that hits or abuses women, but is a wolf in sheep's clothing. I can see that now.

I will wait till the baby is born (Due date is April 14, 2008) and then file for support. Since he doesn't want to do this the easy way, the mature and adult way, we'll have to do it the hard way. I can't allow myself to put my feeling in front of the needs of my child. Whether he likes it or not, this baby is coming soon. The baby will need love and support.

And as a message to all you fathers out there... help the mother during the pregnancy. It's tough to do this alone.

Yeah for you, stay strong! I will keep you on my prayers!

Your child has the right to be financially supported by BOTH parents, regardless of their desire to be a parent. Even if you make more money than he does, if you are the primary caregiver of the child you will receive some amount of monetary compensation if you choose to seek it. Not wanting to raise the child does not negate dad's responsibility to help provide for the child. He can claim you tricked him all he wants. At the end of the day he chose to have sex rather than abstain, and is accountable for the consequences. He may not want a baby, but it is ultimately your decision and with time he may very well change his mind.

I have never lived with him, nor do I plan to live with him now. He keeps coming back to me, pursing me. And no, it wasn't because I gave him sex. He came back twice, before I putt-out even once. I want to believe that he cares about me, even if he doesn't love me. He knows that care about him, deeply, even love him. But for my own sake I have kicked him to the curb.

The FOB is not the common dirt bag that hits or abuses women, but is a wolf in sheep's clothing. I can see that now.

I will wait till the baby is born (Due date is April 14, 2008) and then file for support. Since he doesn't want to do this the easy way, the mature and adult way, we'll have to do it the hard way. I can't allow myself to put my feeling in front of the needs of my child. Whether he likes it or not, this baby is coming soon. The baby will need love and support.

And as a message to all you fathers out there... help the mother during the pregnancy. It's tough to do this alone.



Sorry to be tough on you but you are covering for him, enabling him, excusing him, even now. He IS abusive. He IS a "common dirt bag." Emotional abuse is every bit as serious and disabling as physical abuse and walking away is abuse, accusing you of getting pregnant deliberately IS abuse. (He must think he's a better "catch" than he appears to be on paper). On the other hand, were you aware two other women had abortions at his insistence when you were involved with him? That would appear to say loud and clear that he does NOT want to be a father.

Yes, you should file for support but you cannot force him to be involved in the child's life - and I know you know this, but you can't make him love the baby, support the baby or love and support you.

And the message should also be to pick the possible father of your baby very, very carefully because you'll be stuck with him for a very long time.

Kudos, madam, for keeping your baby! May I recommend you find not only the best pediatrician in your community, but also the best lawyer. You will need to consider your estate, your executor, and the guardian for your child. Your attorney should get dad's agreement to provide your baby with health insurance and life insurance.

I applaud you, v_e! That baby is lucky to have you... I know you care a lot for your unborn child and I commend you for going through with having it even though the baby's father isn't making the effort. The father doesn't need to hit women to be a dirtbag - the fact that he walks away from his responsibilities makes him enough of one. I believe every child deserves the best in life, and I can tell that's what your baby will get from you. Congratulations!

[QUOTE=v_e]. The 2 other women aborted the babies. He wants me to do the same, but I don't want to.I don't want to be hard line or tough, but this wasn't a one night stand. He says one thing and does another. I'm so confused.


Did you know about the 2 other women and the (insisted upon) abortions when you were involved with him?

Kudos, madam, for keeping your baby! May I recommend you find not only the best pediatrician in your community, but also the best lawyer. You will need to consider your estate, your executor, and the guardian for your child. Your attorney should get dad's agreement to provide your baby with health insurance and life insurance.


I think I'd go less with Attorney agreement and more with a Court order - let the Court review the circumstances and make its award. Attorney agreements are great if they don't need to be enforced... or you can come to an agreement.

That's what the Courts are for.

Legally he is required to provide financial support for the child. The circumstances surrounding the birth, your medical history and what you may have told him about it, whether you got pregnant on purpose or not, etc. are totally irrelevant. You'll have to file a motion in Family Court to enforce that obligation. You, he and the child may have to submit to a DNA test after birth to prove paternity. As far as anyone's moral responsibilities, that's a matter of individual conscience. In my own opinion, as the child's mother and primary custodial caregiver, you should strive to get everything your child is entitled to. Even though you may make more than he does, he should still contribute to the child's financial needs to the extent that his income permits and the court will determine just what that is, using the guidelines established by your state.

Sorry to be tough on you but you are covering for him, enabling him, excusing him, even now. He IS abusive. He IS a "common dirt bag." Emotional abuse is every bit as serious and disabling as physical abuse and walking away is abuse, accusing you of getting pregnant deliberately IS abuse. (He must think he's a better "catch" than he appears to be on paper). On the other hand, were you aware two other women had abortions at his insistence when you were involved with him? That would appear to say loud and clear that he does NOT want to be a father.

Yes, you should file for support but you cannot force him to be involved in the child's life - and I know you know this, but you can't make him love the baby, support the baby or love and support you.

And the message should also be to pick the possible father of your baby very, very carefully because you'll be stuck with him for a very long time.

Thanks for all the advice.

No, I didn't know that he had gotten two other girls pregnant until after I was pregnant. Like I said, it's been an on/off again relationship. The other two girls had abortions. It may have been their choice. I never stated that he forced them into that. He told me that information.. . So who knows. How can I find it out? Hell, I don't think I even want to know.

The relationship between him and I is/has been developing over 8+ years. It isn't something that is just today. Overall, he's the same as any guy out there. No better, no worse. He's attractive but not hot. He has a steady job. He's in the military; severed two tours of duty during this war. He's smart. He has issues: everyone does. He has ADD. So do a lot of people.

I have issues too. The difference is my parents taught me to take responsibility. His parents are still making excuses for him. Even at age 27, they want him to excuse what he’s doing. “He can’t help put a crib together, because he has ADD.” My response is WHAT!? It doesn’t make any sense to me.

It’s to the point where recreational sports (paintball) and video games are more important to him than putting the crib together. Mind you, he didn’t buy the crib, baby furniture, car seat, play yard, baby clothing, baby toys or anything else that the baby will need. I have, or will. I simply asked him to put the crib together and paint the room. I also bought the paint. And I suppose that’s what gets me the most; he has money and time to do something expensive like play paintball. Blow a hundred plus dollars in a single day. But to spend two hundred dollars on something that is for his child, that his child will use for the next 1 to 5 years and needs… no. He doesn’t have money for that.

I am enabling him? Yes. I can see that. I didn't plan for it to turn out like that. Do I deserve better? Yes. Do I love him anyway? Yes. Is this a major part of why I’m not married to him? Yes.

I have tired different approaches; bargaining, yelling, ultimatum, talking to his family, and more. Yes, I have tired. My family (God bless them) has tired on my behalf.

Mind you that after each one of these approaches, he says “okay I’ll help. I’ll go to the doctor appointment with you, to find out the baby’s sex. I’ll put the crib together.” Then the actions are different. He’s said one thing, and then does another.

Should I have chosen a different father? Yes. But let me put to you this way, the FOB is only 1 of 2 people that I’ve slept with in my entire life. I’m not a person to go with any Joe Schmuck that comes along. But that’s why this is an “oops” accident. That’s why this is out of wedlock.

Despite everything it’s a happy accident for me.

--still confused, but gaining clarity and strength :confused:

v_e writes: "But to spend two hundred dollars on something that is for his child, that his child will use for the next 1 to 5 years and needs… no. He doesn't have money for that."
It may be that his appreciation for what your are going through has not dawned on him yet; it may be that he will need to feel your baby kicking, or see your baby's face and smile for the first time.

Thanks for all the advice.

No, I didn't know that he had gotten two other girls pregnant until after I was pregnant. Like I said, it's been an on/off again relationship. The other two girls had abortions. It may have been their choice. I never stated that he forced them into that. He told me that information . . . so who knows. How can I find it out? Hell, I don't think I even want to know.

The relationship between him and I is/has been developing over 8+ years. It isn't something that is just today. Overall, he's the same as any guy out there. No better, no worse. He's attractive but not hot. He has a steady job. He's in the military; severed two tours of duty during this war. He's smart. He has issues: everyone does. He has ADD. So do a lot of people.

I have issues too. The difference is my parents taught me to take responsibility. His parents are still making excuses for him. Even at age 27, they want him to excuse what he’s doing. “He can’t help put a crib together, because he has ADD.” My response is WHAT!?!?! It doesn’t make any sense to me.

It’s to the point where recreational sports (paintball) and video games are more important to him than putting the crib together. Mind you, he didn’t buy the crib, baby furniture, car seat, play yard, baby clothing, baby toys or anything else that the baby will need. I have, or will. I simply asked him to put the crib together and paint the room. I also bought the paint. And I suppose that’s what gets me the most; he has money and time to do something expensive like play paintball. Blow a hundred plus dollars in a single day. But to spend two hundred dollars on something that is for his child, that his child will use for the next 1 to 5 years and needs… no. He doesn’t have money for that.

I am enabling him? Yes. I can see that. I didn't plan for it to turn out like that. Do I deserve better? Yes. Do I love him anyway? Yes. Is this a major part of why I’m not married to him? Yes.

I have tired different approaches; bargaining, yelling, ultimatum, talking to his family, and more. Yes, I have tired. My family (God bless them) has tired on my behalf.

Mind you that after each one of these approaches, he says “okay I’ll help. I’ll go to the doctor appointment with you, to find out the baby’s sex. I’ll put the crib together.” Then the actions are different. He’s said one thing, and then does another.

Should I have chosen a different father? Yes. But let me put to you this way, the FOB is only 1 of 2 people that I’ve slept with in my entire life. I’m not a person to go with any Joe Schmuck that comes along. But that’s why this is an “oops” accident. That’s why this is out of wedlock.

Despite everything it’s a happy accident for me.

--still confused, but gaining clarity and strength :confused:


You're certain clear headed and clear eyed about the situation - and yes, this is a happy accident. Maybe he's got to work his way through this - ? I don't know. Maybe he's just conflicted - oh, look, now I'm defending him!

Well, thanks everyone for the supportive ear. Thanks for the advice.

I know that we are getting off the subject of law... I'm sorry.

I know that in this forum, you can't understand why I've been with this guy for so long. It's impossible for me to explain it. I have trouble explaining it to myself, especially now. I hope that he is in denial and will eventually come around, if not for me, then for the baby. But, I can't understand why it's taking so long. I can't understand why his parents are continually defending him that he can't help. His hands are not tied behind his back. He's not stupid, but he IS acting that way.

Does he think that because I'm a strong person, who... yeah-up makes more money than him... that he is not needed? I can't understand it. I didn't make the baby by myself. It's not like I'm a millionaire. It's not like I even make six figures. Why does he think that his role stops now? Why does he think that his role won't start again until after the baby born, if at all? I've read What to Expect When You're Expecting and other books, I can't find anything about a dad having this kind of difficulty. I've asked him to be involved in naming the baby, total cost to him $0 - Zero Dollars. I've asked him to be the labor partner. Again total cost to him $0 - Zero Dollars. Time involved, 3 nights 6 to 9 pm, over the course of 3 weeks. From my other posts, you can see that I've asked for him to be involved financially. He isn't. Most books recommend that the mother involves the father as much as possible by asking the father to do small things. I have.

Yet, none of that matters. He isn't involved. He doesn't even call me anymore. In all this time, he hasn't once asked how the baby is doing. I have always offered that information, because he's ready to hang up the phone and isn't going to ask.

I know he wants space, so I haven't called him in nearly 4 weeks. The last time I spoke to him was on Christmas Day.

After I went to the doctor at the 22 week mark, I showed him the ultrasound pictures. Yeah it's a boy! Yeah everything looks good so far! That's a real concern for me, because I do have medical history and am now high risk. I have invited him to visit any of the doctor appointments. I have one every week because I visiting both the OB-GYNE and the high risk OB Fetal Specialist. Sometimes I have two appointments in a single week. His response was staring off into space and changing the subject to something unimportant.

I'm trying to be as unemotional and reasonable as humanly possible. Do I sound like a crazy obsessed person?

Yet, this is really, really, really and truly bothering me.

I know that we are getting off the subject of law... I'm sorry.Yep - family law is a very emotional field. Most people who are directly involved with family law matters base their arguments on emotions and not on facts of law. Must be very frustrating for people who work in the field.

You could watch a movie together, "Knocked Up"; have you seen it?

Sounds like this guy's only problem is that he's selfish. He knows he made the baby with you, but being involved means putting someone else first. He knows that a baby requires effort and sacrifice, neither of which he wants to give. That's why he's gotten 2 other women pregnant and walked away - he doesn't want to be responsible because that means growing up.

His parents have very obviously instilled this attitude in him; he's 27 and they're making excuses that he can't assemble a crib? Please... they need to stop enabling him and tell him he needs to be a man and support his son.

No, you are not crazy or obsessed. You care about him and you care about your baby, and you want the two to be combined; unfortunately, he cares most about himself right now. No amount of screaming, crying or begging will change that. Hopefully, that will change over time but he needs to make that decision on his own. Good luck, honey - I'll keep you and your baby in my prayers.

Well, thanks everyone for the supportive ear. Thanks for the advice.

I know that we are getting off the subject of law... I'm sorry.

I know that in this forum, you can't understand why I've been with this guy for so long. It's impossible for me to explain it. I have trouble explaining it to myself, especially now. I hope that he is in denial and will eventually come around, if not for me, then for the baby. But, I can't understand why it's taking so long. I can't understand why his parents are continually defending him that he can't help. His hands are not tied behind his back. He's not stupid, but he IS acting that way.

Does he think that because I'm a strong person, who ... yeah-up makes more money than him... that he is not needed? I can't understand it. I didn't make the baby by myself. It's not like I'm a millionaire. It's not like I even make six figures. Why does he think that his role stops now? Why does he think that his role won't start again until after the baby born, if at all? I've read What to Expect When You're Expecting and other books, I can't find anything about a dad having this kind of difficulty. I've asked him to be involved in naming the baby, total cost to him $0 - Zero Dollars. I've asked him to be the labor partner. Again total cost to him $0 - Zero Dollars. Time involved, 3 nights 6 to 9 pm, over the course of 3 weeks. From my other posts, you can see that I've asked for him to be involved financially. He isn't. Most books recommend that the mother involves the father as much as possible by asking the father to do small things. I have.

Yet, none of that matters. He isn't involved. He doesn't even call me anymore. In all this time, he hasn't once asked how the baby is doing. I have always offered that information, because he's ready to hang up the phone and isn't going to ask.

I know he wants space, so I haven't called him in nearly 4 weeks. The last time I spoke to him was on Christmas Day.

After I went to the doctor at the 22 week mark, I showed him the ultrasound pictures. Yeah it's a boy! Yeah everything looks good so far! That's a real concern for me, because I do have medical history and am now high risk. I have invited him to visit any of the doctor appointments. I have one every week because I visiting both the OB-GYNE and the high risk OB Fetal Specialist. Sometimes I have two appointments in a single week. His response was staring off into space and changing the subject to something unimportant.

I'm trying to be as unemotional and reasonable as humanly possible. Do I sound like a crazy obsessed person?

Yet, this is really, really, really and truly bothering me.

No, you don't sound crazy or obsessed - you sound like a pregnant woman with a maybe-I'm-involved-with-you-or-maybe-I'm-not "boyfriend." And, I do understand; I do "get it."

Hey - I've picked some doozies in my past! I think almost everyone has. I was just fortunate enough (if that's the word) that no babies were involved, that I got stronger or he got weaker or whatever - life is sort of what happens to you while you're making other plans.

And this really, truly is the one time in your life you can be emotional and unreasonable and have an excuse - not that you are but, boy, you sure have reason!

And maybe he's just scared - and who knows where anyone's head is at at any time?

Hang on - you'll be okay.

Anytime a woman makes more money than a man - there are going to be problems with the relationship. In your case I can see what the problem is right off the bat. You're his surrogate mother and when you got pregnant - all bets were off and he wanted you to get rid of the baby. Remember Elvis Presley and Priscilla? He adored her and took care of her for years and then when she became pregnant - he never touched her sexually as he didn't want other kids. She was his princess and a baby changed everything for him.

He's not going to change one iota. It is you who will have to change as you are not his mommy anymore since baby came along (or will shortly). If he does not want anything to do with the baby - he's basically afraid he's lost his mommy. You are going to have to do more than yell or scream (as that is driving him away big time very quickly).

I am shocked he's in the military being so immmature, but then, what better job for him to have where he essentially has to really screw up to be fired and they put up with just about anything.

After 8 years of his shenanigans and you haven't learned how to handle them, I would say you never will learn as you are too hard headed and keep making excuses for him. ADD is a swell excuse. Keep using it. He's already got you trained, see?

He didn't want to put the crib together. It has nothing to do with ADD at all. He just does not want to be involved in a baby period and you made the mistake of getting pregnant. Possibly that was the allure you had for him in the first place, ever think of that?

Forcing a person into doing what you want them to do always backfires in your face. It will never work to force him as mommy and daddy never did from what I gather so he's just been skipping down the road doing anything he wants for years.

The fact you are pregnant, that's wonderful that you didn't have to resort to using an unknown sperm donor. My sister was told she could not get pregnant (as she only had one ovary) after she was married. She had 2 children. Her husband left her. He was in the military also and did not want any kids and that was why he married her in the first place. Some men just don't want kids period.

The fact you are high risk tells me you need to take good care of yourself. No, he's not just going to "come to your rescue" and save you at this time. The fact he does not ask about the baby is obvious that he does not care.

You are getting obsessed with him and his not wanting to be involved. Face it, he may never get involved.

Right now you need to concentrate on YOU and getting your baby here safely and stop trying to re-think him, his actions, his emotions. You can never really tell what's going on in another person's head - so stop trying and stop beating yourself up over it.

You can lead a horse to water but you can't shove him in.

[QUOTE=twinkiedooter]Anytime a woman makes more money than a man - there are going to be problems with the relationship. In your case I can see what the problem is right off the bat. You're his surrogate mother and when you got pregnant - all bets were off and he

After 8 years of his shenanigans and you haven't learned how to handle them, I would say you never will learn as you are too hard headed and keep making excuses for him. ADD is a swell excuse. Keep using it. He's already got you trained, see?



I don't believe a relationship in which the woman makes more than the man guarantees problems - a little too sexist for my taste.

And calling a woman in this position too hard headed and saying she will never learn is more than a little cruel to me, same with he has her trained, ADD is a swell excuse. Painful to read and I'm not even involved in the situation.

I certainly don't know this person but she seems to be trying to do her best and work her way through this. Name calling doesn't really help. Sometimes you just love the wrong man and have to work your way through it.

This is a little too psychological mumbo jumbo to me when none of us know the parties, a little too pat.

Back to the legal stuff -

I am going through almost the same thing... my daughter was born on Feb 3rd, she's 9 months old and hasn't seen her father since she was a week old. He was horrible during my pregnancy, did not want me to keep the baby either. When she was born, he saw her once in the hospital and again a few days later - not once since.

It's too late now and I don't know where you live but in my state they will not put the father on the birth certificate unless the parents are married. This can be amended if he signs a paternity affidavit but I was lucky enough to have a very smart nurse that told me not to let him sign it w/out a paternity test. I was 100% positive my daughter was his but the paternity test provides legal proof of paternity when it comes time to get the child support going.

With that said, I filed for child support when my daughter was 2 weeks old and have yet to see a penny so GOOD LUCK!

Even though you make more than him he still has that responsibility too be a father.I'm in the same situtation I'm pregnant nw and due in 2 months and the fathers an ,I wasn't able to have kids but it happened like I told the father I didn't get pergnant by myself.I think that if you are harder on him it could make him realize that either way he's that baby's dad, he will probably come to his sinces it might take awhile because my baby's father is bull headed and it may take a lot of energy to tell him what you feel but the way you say things to a person may change their mind.

even though you make more than him he still has that responsiblity too be a father.I'm in the same situtation im pregnant nw and due in 2 months and the fathers an ,i wasnt able to have kids but it happened like i told the father i didnt get pergnant by myself.I think that if you are harder on him it could make him realize that either way he's that babys dad, he will probably come to his sinces it might take awhile because my babys father is bull headed and it may take alot of energy to tell him what you feel but the way you say things to a person may change their mind.



This post is from over a year ago - please keep an eye on the dates. This person has not been back in over a year.