My ex-boyfriend left when my daughter was 6 weeks old. Right before she turned a year old, he came back into the picture. Instead of asking to visit, he filed papers. Concluding the hearing, the Judge ordered that we were to have two clean consecutive drug tests (he is a habitual marijuana user), he was to follow strict visitation guidelines, and pay child support. He decided after the first 100$ hair test (that he by the way FAILED), he wouldn’t take another. I on the other hand, had not used illegal drugs since high school, took BOTH tests, weighing in at $200 big ones, and passed both. He then stopped coming to visitation, and the day before he was to go to court and pay the $1200.00 back child support or go to jail, he called and asked if I would drop it. He didn’t have the money. I had no problems with that, he dropped visitation, I dropped support. Everything has gone well, he visits, and keeps her for me at my house if I need him too. He spends the night on Christmas Eve. I let her go to his house every other Saturday, but I feel terribly about it. They don’t have heat or air, there are pitbull’s and pit mixes, that roam free over his property, they boil water on the stove just to take a bath. When they fill up a bag of trash, they walk out of the back door and toss it to the ground. They have a mound as high as the house just about. I mean seriously, he lives with his mother and other adult brother. He's 27 himself. Recently, he got on this kick about her spending the night, which for one, my child is now three and she has never spent the night away from home, and second, if she HAD to spend the night away, I would certainly NOT want it to be in that kind of home. So he decided to tell me that he is taking me back to court. Something tell’s me not to worry, but I guess I can’t help it. Think the judge will side with him? Am I being to overprotective?

Let me see if I got this straight. He took you to court for custody and visitation. The judge imposed very strict conditions which he failed and you agree to drop support and let him visit? And then you let him have unsupervised visits in a questionable environment? What were you thinking girl??

On the one hand, if you show that he failed the conditions the first time, a judge shouldn't allow him to win. But the fact that you have voluntarily let him have visitation may sway the judge. I don't know here. But frankly, I think you messed up.

You should have been forcing the support and took him back to court for failing the test. Anytime you go back to court there is always a risk, please have an attorney with you

You wrote: "So he decided to tell me that he is taking me back to court. Something tell's me not to worry, but I guess I can't help it. Think the judge will side with him? Am I being to overprotective?" You can't really be surprised. You had him whipped, the legal system worked, and you fumbled it away. It is your daughter's life, happiness, and welfare, not a football. If I were the judge and looked at this state of affairs, I might put your daughter into foster care until you got straightened out. Your boyfriend is a total loser, you win in court, and then take your boyfriend's advice to disregard the judge's order. Goodness!!

There is absolutely no chance for the judge to be with his side. If you depict the living condition of that man there is no way to let him take your baby at his home ever again. I don't know exactly the family law of your country but in all countries family law is very strict and usually with mother's side. As for the overprotection you are wrong. You act like every mother when her baby's health is at stake.. Try to be as good as possible and everything is going to be fine.

Thank you Scott Gem, and the others, thank you also Elena. I know I've messed up. He wasn't going to follow through with the order's regardless, I wanted her to be happy. I do not feel she is a football by any means, and never would I try to put her in danger. I want him to be in her life, and the judge didn't give him unsupervised visits, just short visits, saying he would have to prove himself. I guess I was just looking for a little relief. I have an attorney, and have one from the start. Thank you for your help, I guess I will have to greive through until it is all over.

There is absolutely no chance for the judge to be with his side.

I wish I had your confidence, but I'm afraid its misplaced. Just today there was a piece in the news that 6 children's services from Wash DC were fired for not following up about complaints about a mother neglecting her children. The four kids were found dead when they went to evict her!

One can never predict what a judge will do. The fact that she has been allowing her child to visit under those conditions may sway a judge.

So basically you are telling me to lay down again, and be submissive. I came here for advice. Thanks.

Good luck and having an attorney is definitely the right step. Discuss this all with him and what your strategy should be. Most importantly, you need to find a way to explain your magnamity to the judge.

so basically you are telling me to lay down again, and be submissive. i came here for advice. thanks.

Not sure who that was directed to, but I don't think anyone advised that. You should definitely fight and, like I said, having an attorney is the best thing you can do. But we have to be honest and let you know that you opened doors that should never have been opened and that may wind up backfiring on you.

Do you mean magnanimity?

Thanks scott gem... its hard trying to do the right thing. I only wanted them to be able to share things together... but I didn't mean roaches :)

I appreciate that you wanted your daughter to know her father. But she doesn't have to know him THAT well ;)

Whatever happens from here happens. I just can't help but worry. I love my daughter, and I want what's best for her. Maybe him taking me back to court will get him on the right track. I just hope the judge doesn't hold it against me that I disregarded his previous orders. I thought I wanted it like that to begin with. Maybe he'll stick with my every other Saturday for four hours, plan. Thanks for the help.

The judge said before that running water, central heat and air, and clean premises were part of the visitation guidelines, and that was when overnight was pending.

Do you think the judge will disregard that he dismissed the previous guidelines? Or will he look at it like I dismissed them also? I thought our arrangement was OK for all of us... he would still have a shot at being around his daughter

I have long since given up predicting what a judge will do. I do believe by giving him visitation despite failing to adhere to the judges guidelines, you have weaKened your case.

Im not sure about what State your from and courts are so different. Example.. a court I was involved in had hearings and trials. A hearing was only about 15 minutes long and it was at those hearings custody was decided. If what your saying is even close to real then you may be able to ask the courts for a parental evaluation. Then its up to an evaluator to make recommendations to the courts and they have more time to look into issues and will look at both living arrangements. Its not cheap $1,000 to $2,000 dollars and you both go through it but in the end it may be better then any court battle that's only 15 minutes long.
Just throwing in another 2 cents into the fountain of life : )

Good luck either way