We have a vacation home which we use year-round to entertain our friends and family. Last year a family member requested a key, which my husband and I thought was due to a temporary situation. We gave him a key, but now we realize he has not given it back and has even been entertaining his own friends at our place when we're not there. As this has gone on for nearly a year without our knowledge, other family members, spouses and their friends are now requesting their own keys and similar privileges. We're in a predicament because the one family member had these privileges (unbeknownst to us), and now we're being pressured to extend those same benefits to the rest. The last thing I want to do is feel stressed when we arrive at our vacation place to find it's a) a mess, or b)full of people we don't know.

What would be the best course of action without appearing to play favorites or be stingy?

I have considered just calling a locksmith, but that would cause another set of problems!

I'd get the locks changed and say since one person abused this privilege now no has this privilege. If any one has a problem with that the payment I make for the house is X amount of dollars each month. You are more then welcome to make the payment if you want to use the house. Plain and simple don't let greedy family and friends stress you out.

Ask for the key back. Explain to this person, that you gave him the key to solve a temporary issue, and snce that's not over, you would like the keys back. If they aren't returned immediately, tell them that you will need to change the locks.

Well, my husband doesn't want to ask for the key back... feels guilty about it apparently. This wouldn't bug me so much if the family members with the key made an effort to come to our family functions on a regular basis. The trouble is, they can't be bothered to show up at all. Just want to enjoy some nice family perks without any of the family, and apparently they feel just fine about it.

Maybe I just need to get over it, but it seems so rude to me.

If it makes you feel better, its seems more than rude to me. It seems like they are taking advantage of you. The first thing I would do is check your homeowners insurance and make sure you are covered if anything happens while they are using the house. Next your husband need to get some backbone. Maybe the insurance issue will give him an excuse to ask for the keys back.

Another alternative is to install a security system. Buy one with password keypad that can be set remotely. Explain to these relatives that because of crime issues in the area, you are installing this security system. Since the password will be changed on a regular basis, they need to contact you before they plan on using the house to get the current password.

In this way, you are not asking for the key back nor are you denying them use of the house. But I can almost guarantee if they have to ask you each time they want to use the house, they will use it far less often.

Oh - that is a good idea! I didn't know that there were systems like that. Do you have any brands I could search for? I think you are right about them not wanting to call us each time they feel the need to use our place, even though that was the rule they initially agreed to (temporarily). It has just gotten out of hand, and the relationship is so one-sided... one hand always reaching out to take more from us. They never thank us, only leave their garbage and dirty laundry to greet us like we should feel blessed that they've enjoyed themselves in our absence.

I don't know of any brands off hand. I think you would need the type that uses a monitoring service. You might try searching the Web for Home Security and see what you find.

If the house has broadband Internet Access, you can almost certainly get something that can control it over the Net. If not, I'm pretty sure you can get something to be tied into the phone lines.

Anytime you "give keys" to another party and they have the use of your home when you are away is just inviting trouble. What was your husband thinking when he did this? Surely his thinking was impaired when he did. Did these people even offer to PAY for the privilege of staying there? Probably not. Gee, free place to stay, yea! Boy are you guys suckers with a capital "S".

I do not think it is "rude" at all to change the locks without notifying anyone else period. You bought and paid for the place, not your husband's guests. Get tough. Otherwise when the guests have an accident and burn the place to the ground and you have no place, you might be out of luck trying to collect any insurance money to rebuild it.

At this point in the movie, I think you need to take some stock here and don't give out any keys to anybody EVER AGAIN. They can come and stay when you are present, but when you are not there - NO, NO, NO!

You might consider sending a note to all these uninvited people who have keys that you have changed the locks and please do not ask for a key as your insurance carrier does not permit them in the dwelling without your presence. (There, you gave them a dandy excuse).

I don't think you are stingy or playing favorites - just what are you thinking? Place a mess, people you don't know. Try place a pile of ashes and who knows just who did it?

Oh, the insurance angle is a good one! This family member knows his dad lives in fear of being sued/taken to the cleaners by idiots who'd rather not work but sue people for their livelihood.
I think I may have also convinced the husband to switch the locks to the type that you need a code to punch in. I couldn't find an alarm system online that would work in our remote area (no cable or DSL, just a land line for the phone). At least this will be a way of keeping the place free from unwanted guests since the codes would only be for a limited amount of time and not give them free access. They would have to call us for a new one each time, and if we're on vacation somewhere else and they can't reach us for a new code - too bad. Now, they like to call when they know we're going to be out of town and find out exactly when we are coming back... I used to think this was weird. Now I know why they wanted the details.
We've never even been invited to their new home and yet they have their own key to our place? Something just ain't right here!

I agree the insurance angle is a good one (I had also suggested it) and it may be a very real issue. If someone were to get hurt at one of THEIR parties, you, as the owner, would be liable.

I gather you live relatively close to this house, so dropping by and changing the passcode may not be too onerous.

Why are you going to let them still use this place when they don't reciprocate?

Lady, you are just asking for trouble like I said before. Wake up and smell the lawsuit coming your way. Also locks that have codes to them can be easily broken into or shorted out. I can pick any lock that has a 4 or 5 digit combo within an hour's time. What's the big deal with the code? You are better off with a good sturdy deadbolt on all exterior doors and a good doorknob set.

The reason they have not invited you to their new home is because they don't have to. You are the ones being taken advantage of with a capital "A". Gee, Can I have a key too? Seems like you're going to have to learn the hard way period.

You have got to change the locks immediately. How many copies of the one you gave them have they made and given out to friends? If someone falls and breaks their neck - you get sued.

I don't understand being afraid of appearing rude to boors who take advantage of a courtesy. Offending them may be the only way to keep them out of your hair.

Oh - that is a good idea! I didn't know that there were systems like that. Do you have any brands I could search for? I think you are right about them not wanting to call us each time they feel the need to use our place, even though that was the rule they initially agreed to (temporarily). It has just gotten out of hand, and the relationship is so one-sided....one hand always reaching out to take more from us. They never thank us, only leave their garbage and dirty laundry to greet us like we should feel blessed that they've enjoyed themselves in our absence.
There are lots of them. We have Brinks Home Security, there is also ADT Home Security

... but if your husband does not have a problem with it, let him know it bothers you or let it go. Are these his family members?

Yes - they are his family, which is why it's such an issue. He wouldn't have a problem changing the locks for those outside of the family (in fact we have in the past), but feels that because this kid is almost 30, he and his new wife ought to be trusted with a key to our place. Never mind that he and his wife borrow things from us regularly and ask for free services from the family business for themselves and now for their friends. I don't know where their sense of entitlement came from, but my husband is operating out of guilt and doesn't want to be a bad guy and keep him out permanently. I said I did have a big problem with it since this kid isn't responsible, and I have issues with privacy and not wanting people sleeping in my bed, using my things, etc. I said I was fine with them visiting when we're in residence... they just want to have the place to entertain on their own, or to get away to by themselves. I think they need to get their own vacation place, but they can't afford it, so they take advantage of us.

It's looking like temporary codes on either a security system or a lock are the way to go. It's relatively secure anyway since it's in a complex and we have some full-time neighbors, so I'm not worried about break-ins, just want to limit access. It's a relief that I'm not the only one that feels this is way unreasonable. I honestly don't think they have a clue about how rude and selfish their behavior is toward us. I just want to send a message that it won't be tolerated...

I don't blame you. That would bother me as well.
Good luck

Have you changed the locks as suggested -- or is this still a problem?

Right now I'm looking online for some kind of deadbolt door lock that requires a punched in code. We can just delete a code if we give one out for temporary use, but then at least he would have to call every time, and then we could either say, "Sorry, that's just not convenient for us" or, "O.K., but you'll have to use this temporary code to get in."It will also be handy if we need a repair person to come by, rather than driving all the way up there. We would have to drive up to delete the code, however.

If anyone has experience with these types of locks - or which ones not to buy - I'd appreciate the advice.

keyless locks, keyless door locks (http://www.gokeyless.com/?gclid=COHBj5_-_5ACFQmgGgodU1v4Gw)

PS - 30 years old is not a "kid." in my book. He is a grown man and is walking all over his family and will continue to do so until someone says "no." I bet your family will see you as heroes rather than being rude if you are the first to tell him to stop abusing his family.

Yes - I agree - 30 years old is definitely old enough to stop expecting parents to support your every last-minute whim. This child has grown up with an unfortunate view of people. They are only worth something to him if they have something to offer him. He traffics in trading goods and services, though he offers OUR property and amenities to people we don't know in an attempt to gain things for himself and his wife. We definitely need to put an end to it.

I priced those keypad deadbolts, and it will be over 300.00 to do both doors. Part of me wants to just ask for the flippin' key back, but I know my husband won't do it. Spending 300+ on locks just to have him curtail his freeloading doesn't seem right. Maybe HE should be paying for the locks!

Sorry to be so paranoid, but how do you know that he isn't having people over to do drugs or to have orgies or engage in child pornography? From how he sounds, he obviously has no regard for the rights of others. Not all sociopaths kill people. Others take advantage of them simply because they can.

Even if he isn't this bad, he is clearly taking advantage of you because he knows he can. The people who claim to not know that they are either hurting you or taking advantage of you ALWAYS have some clue of it. He's also using the "they let me use it, so I can do what I want" excuse to defraud you. Forget about the family connection to this person. If he wasn't a relative, you would have no problem getting the sheriff's department to have him removed when you showed up and saw him there.

As far as your husband goes, he needs to wake up and smell the potential for disaster. Say something does happen. That nitwit nephew won't be responsible. Whoever is on the deed and mortgage will. Is your financial future so secure that you can overcome a lawsuit, property damage, an increase in insurance premiums, etc?

As for the rest of your freeloading family, tell them that your greedy nephew abused his privilege and that you were trying to help him out in what you thought was a time of need. Your vacation house is not up for grabs. There are too many issues of liability to consider. Anyone with half a brain and any sense of decency would never ask to stay there or ask for their own key anyway. Sorry to be so crude, but I have to wonder about the integrity of these people. Where do they get this sense of entitlement?

The first step I would take is to have the locks changed. I would notify your nephew in writing of this. Forget about damaging the family relationship because it sounds like things are incredibly toxic anyway, but no one likes to talk about it. Sure standing up for yourselves may cause a problem, but are these awful people really worth your time? You could pick people off the street to treat you better.

Tell anyone else who asks about the place that it's not up for grabs. You would be more than happy to invite people along when you are going, but allowing people into the house when you are not there is a liability issue. If they don't like it, that's one less Christmas card you have to send.

Life is too short to have to deal with toxic people. Especially relatives. And tell that husband of yours that you are trying to protect your financial security. If he's like every other man, he will appreciate it.

I think changing the locks is a good idea. He may have given keys out to his friends. You don't want someone to come in and steal, get hurt, etc. when you aren't there. I would use the insurance angle and tell him that the locks have been changed just to be safe. Tell him that you know he has had guests there and just in case anyone could have made a copy of a key, the locks are changed. I would tell them that they are welcome to come and visit you and your husband when you stay there, as long as they call and ask ahead of time.

The bottom line is it is your home that you and your husband have worked for and invested money in. It should be there for you to enjoy, not used by strangers. Don't feel bad about putting your foot down. If this "kid" wants to work hard and save his money, maybe he will be able to afford a vacation home of his own someday. But it sounds like he is more interested in mooching off you.

My cousin has a vacation house on the lake close to where I live. We were invited to stay there for a month last summer. They were out of the country and asked us to keep an eye on it while they were gone. I asked ahead of time if a couple of my friends could come over and visit, like for a cookout or something, and she said yes. I only invited a couple people that she knows and likes. No one spent the night, and I gave the keys back to her when she came back. I wouldn't dream of making a copy. I cleaned the house before she came back and had our stuff by the door ready to leave when she came in. I think this guy is WAY out of line acting this way!

I'm going to do a lock upgrade in a few weeks. I know the"freeloader" will be out of town until then, so he won't be getting in anyway... presumably no one else will be stopping by either. At this point, maybe I don't want to know how many people have been our guests without our knowledge. It's awful enough to think that I may have slept in a bed that had been used by others - YUCK!

I appreciate all of the support in this. It's clear that there ought to be expectations in place for our vacation home, and we should have sat down with all of the key-mongers a long time ago. I was feeling like I was being unreasonable before when I asked my husband to limit access to ourselves and OUR invited guests while we were there and not just hand out keys. Now I think he's just trying to avoid a conflict or hard feelings... which I am sure will pass in time. Bottom line - we need to regain control of our place.

I actually saw something on eBay that is pretty slick. It's a motion detector that connects to your phone line and will call you on the phone if motion is detected at your place. It's a lot less than the keypad locks, and maybe worth a try for a temporary solution.

I have considered just calling a locksmith, but that would cause another set of problems!Call the locksmith and let it cause the problems. Your place is your place and you are under no obligation to share it with anyone, family or otherwise. Just tell everyone that you're changing the rules and that it's no longer "open house" at your vacation home. You decide who you're going to invite and when and that's that.

Change the locks and don't invite the jerk back who has been using the place carte-blanche. I'd confront him about it, as well.

If someone has the audacity to ask or worse yet - just expect - you for a key or free reign over your home, my answer, I would not explain myself at all. I would just say, "we would no sooner give you a key to our home than to ask for a key to yours."

I am SO tempted to say something like that, but part of me thinks it would just give him greater satisfaction, because that's how he is. He'll then act like we're being mean and unfair, and try harder with his manipulative tactics. If we stay casual and just make it really difficult and complicated for him to visit (only when we're there and let him in with the only key/code/whatever) then there won't be family folklore to have to refute at a future gathering.

The comment about getting a key to his home made me laugh. He and his wife bought a new house last April and we've never been invited over to see it!

It makes me wonder what other family members he's manipulated. Maybe they don't even know he's been "working them". He might even be considered charming and sociable.

He sounds like a sociopath. They're not all serial killers. There are actually about 300,000 sociopaths in the US alone. No conscience, no empathy. They can steal from you, manipulate you and have no guilt whatsoever. But try to stand up to them, and they will try to make it seem like it's all your fault. Or that you misinterpreted things. And they will have their allies go to bat for them to make you seem like the crazy one.

You sound like someone who tries to handle your life with grace, good sense, and good manners. It's a shame that he's taken advantage of your kindness and generosity like this. And it may make you a little jaded about human nature after this, but people like him can make you doubt your own ability to judge what's real and what isn't. That's why they're so harmful.