Hi all,
To everyone who replied to my last emo rant and gave me advice, thank you... unfortunately I still haven't taken it. I keep meaning to see a counsellor (my uni provides them without charge) but every time I am in that area, I find excuses not to go. I guess I'm afraid of finding out that there's something wrong with me. Or maybe I'm scared that I'll find out that nothing's wrong with me, and they can't do anything to change it/me.
I really need to talk to someone... but I can't, it's just too real.
And it's getting worse. I'm finding it so hard to keep focused on anything. When I'm with friends I spend very little time paying attention to what's being said around me. I just keep phasing out all the time. I get distracted so easily.
And I've stopped laughing normally. I laugh if the people around me laugh, but even when my brain tells me something is funny, there's no response from my body. I don't cry either. There have been occasions when something tremendously bad has triggered me, and I have cried daily for a while... but in the past year, besides those extremes I have been unable to cry.
It's not that I'm depressed... I'm not unhappy. I even enjoy my life overall... I've just become so... unresponsive. Like I could sit and stare forever...

So... I'm seriously getting worse at... I don't know exactly what.
Last night a friend called me. He'd just gotten back from traveling overseas. The conversation went for about 3 hours... and it was a mobile call so I feel extremely guilty. :S
It started being just a catch up... but at some point he asked me about a few more personal things and I totally broke down. I went on a long rant about how I'm barely coping and I have no idea why. I'm usually the shoulder to cry on for most of my friends, and this guy had only ever seen me cry once (directly after I'd gotten the news about the death of a loved one), so he was pretty shocked but quite supportive.

I don't know what I'm doing. I'm pretty certain that if he brings it up again and we're face to face I'll just laugh it off and pretend it never happened. If we'd been face to face instead of on the phone I wouldn't have said most of what I said anyway... I'd have blatantly lied.

I seriously think something is wrong with me... I need help.

I'm either overly responsive to things - can't stop moving, talking, don't blink, shake and generally comes across as over-sensitive... or am completely flat, expresionless and apathetic.

What am I doing?

Help me

I have a new boyfriend... and I'm seriously thinking that no matter how I feel, my moods will fluctuate so much that I'll switch between affection and complete loathing on a fairly rapid basis. I do this to friends... feel very close and comfortable, but then rapidly switch to a feeling of awkwardness and irritability. I always conceal it by smiling a lot... everyone thinks I'm happy, but my underlying feelings tend to build. Everyone thinks I'm a patient, attentive and caring listener, but it's such a façade. I care... but.. Oh god... I don't know. It's like I have pre-programmed socially-acceptable responses to everything, because I can't always control myself otherwise and I'm afraid of what I'll say or do if I let myself be honest with anyone.
I have no idea what I'm doing.
But having a new boyfriend... was posibly a huge mistake. It's one thing to have rapidly changing feelings about people... but if it's someone I'm obliged to spend so much time with... I don't want to end up hurting him, especially as he's likely to have no idea why.

Someone... please talk to me.

Kal

Well... since nobody but me seems to want to reply to this post, I'll just talk to myself instead.

So, the usual things I'd say to someone in this kind of situation...

Are you sure that getting a boyfriend at this particular time is a good idea? You should be aware that if this relationship is expected to get serious it will be very difficult unless you can be honest and upfront with one another. And you're right, there is a risk of him getting hurt. You should be careful and try to respect his feelings. And you did mention that you conceal your feelings whenever something bothers you. You have to remember that he isn't a mind-reader, and if you want to work through any thoughts, feelings or difficulties with your boyfriend (or even just friends and family) you have to first make them aware of the problems.
Why do you think you conceal your feelings? Are you just determined to please everyone? And do these mood changes happen on a regular, predictable basis? Could they be connected with your menstrual cycle perhaps?
Why do you think you keep switching off? Are you tired? Are you having difficulty sleeping? Does your overall concentration seem affected, or is it just in some circumstances?
You really should be talking to someone you trust. In person. Your phonecall with the friend was obviously a cry for help and a need to let some things out, but was probably quite overwhelming all at once, and you have to remember that he is not a trained professional, and cannot necessarily give you the help that you need.
Have you tried relaxation techniques like yoga or mediation just to help you calm down and try to be more aware and in control of your feelings?

No, I'm really not sure that it's a good idea... otherwise I wouldn't have brought it up. But I like him, and he likes me. I don't want it to be a serious relationship all at once... but I would like to be able to be honest. Maybe it would be best for both of us if I just end it early. I really don't know.
And yes, I do have to try to make people aware of what's going on in my life... but I've been finding it so difficult. I've tried mentioning in passing some of my issues... and been told to see a counsellor, or just been told that I'm a hypochondriac. I tried telling my mum about my hands shaking, and how it might be a sign of anxiety... and she didn't believe me, because she thinks my shakes are quite minimal (she doesn't often see me when I'm under pressure) and said that if I'm shaky it's probably just because I'm tired or something. She refuses to take it seriously.
I don't know why I conceal everything... I guess it's because I feel that my emotions are often inappropriate. I also hate to disappoint people, so try to minimise any behaviour that could be unsettling. But there are times when I actually have no control, and either say or do the exact opposite and act completely extroverted and borderline abusive in my language and attitude. I don't think it's linked in with pms or anything... and as I've said in a previous post... I seem to manage to function for about 6 months of every year. I just go through phases of not functioning the way I should.
I don't know why I switch off... it happens even when I'm really interested in what I'm doing. I can generally stay focused if I'm multi tasking and have about 4 or 5 things to concentrate on, by switching between them constantly, I don't lose interest.
And my sleeping patterns are shocking. I find sleeping nigh impossible at times, and probably average 4-6 hours a night. I'm quite content often to drift off during the day (be that daydreaming or actual sleep) and feel like I'm in a semi-conscious state half of the time.
I ought to talk to someone, but I really have difficulties in trusting anyone. I don't know what to do. And if I did go to someone, I'd say too much and let everything inside me pour out all at once and drown them. And the counsellor... I want to try but don't seem to be able to.
I don't do yoga and I rarely meditate. I try different breathing techniques and getting more exercise... the idea was that I'll have better control of my body and it might help me control my mind. It helps a little. I can sometimes reduce the shaking that way.

... please... talk to me

Let's work on the counselor idea and make a plan.

Wow! I'm not talking to myself anymore. :)

What kind of plan exactly?

And how can I actually go to a counsellor?

I'm one. We're fun to be with.

(I work at a library too, cataloging books for my day job.)

What would prevent you from making an appointment with one?

Now I'm the one talking to myself.

I don't know... I've been slightly prejudiced against counselors since I was sent to one when I was a lot younger. I didn't like the way she assumed things about my feelings and responses. I tried again briefly about a year and a half ago... but ended up lying because I felt too exposed. I'm not a compulsive liar... I just hate it when people know too much about what's going on beneath the surface... and I don't know why.
But it's doing a great job at stopping me form getting really close to people.
I don't know what I'm expecting here... I mean... there's not a lot that can be done unless I actually try to DO something about it... I'm such an idiot.

I'm one of those problem-solving counselors, not one who wants to figure out what's gone wrong in your life since the day you were born.

Soooooooooo... name one problem you would like to solve.

What do you know about uncontrollable tremors?

I didn't like the way she assumed things about my feelings and responses.


ended up lying because I felt too exposed

And that's when you should have said, "Stop!! I don't like the way you assume things about my feelings and responses!!!"

And later with the other one, "I feel too exposed!!!"

The counseling is for you, not for the counselor. You are in charge. You control what happens in counseling. You are an active participant, not a victim.

A lot. When did the tremors begin? Where are they manifested?

I was 9 years old and she was an authority figure... I guess I didn't see any point in disagreeing with her. I also had no idea why I was there at the time, so didn't really know what to think.
My old school records show that I was sent to see a counsellor again when I was 11... but I cannot remember this at all. It worries me that I have no recollection of this happening.
And with the later one... I really don't know. I need to write everything down and give it to a counsellor on a piece of paper... and try not to deny it later on.

I need to write everything down and give it to a counsellor on a piece of paper... and try not to deny it later on.

Why??

I wouldn't ask that of you if you were my client.

A lot. When did the tremors begin? Where are they manifested?

I have a familial tremor that about half my family gets. For most people it's pretty mild and pretty constant.
Mine wasn't very bad while I was growing up, but about 3 years ago (from about 16) it's been worsening.
It's mainly in my hands. But there are times when it effects my entire upper body, knees, and even voice. More in my right arm than my left (I'm right-handed). It gets worse when I'm stressed, fatigued, hungry, upset, embarrassed, angry or just uncomfortable. I work with my hands a lot (using potentially dangerous machinery for a lot of the time) and use sign language with some deaf and autistic children... so having functioning hands is pretty important to me.
My handwriting is appalling (at uni, my lecturers have refused to accept my hand-written notes because of the illegibility).
The shaking is mostly fairly mild, but gets worse if I'm trying to use any delicate materials. It's particularly noticeable when I eat, and I often lose my grip on things as a result.

Thanks for replying by the way... you have no idea how much I appreciate it.

Why?????

I wouldn't ask that of you if you were my client.

Because if I can get it all out to begin with, I'll have nothing to hide, so nothing to lose by going over it all again later... that's the theory.
If I talk it out... I might only say some things and not others... and still keep the rest bottled up and deny its existence.

What have your family members found out about the tremor?

Does your ever go away and not affect you? If so, when?

(Are you male or female?)

Because if I can get it all out to begin with, I'll have nothing to hide, so nothing to lose by going over it all again later... that's the theory.
If I talk it out... I might only say some things and not others... and still keep the rest bottled up and deny its existence.

Would your first posts in this thread be a part of these revelations?

I don't know... maybe. I've tried posting on here before (a different thread a few months ago), and got some good advice that I've completely failed to follow through on.
I don't know why, but my emotions have been playing havoc with my mind... my attention span is waning far too rapidly, I feel like I'm losing control of my physical functions (mainly my hands) and for some reason I feel compelled not to let anyone know. I don't know... I don't want to burden people I guess.
And I'm studying behavioural science... I really ought to be more aware of what I'm doing.

I'm female by the way. And 19.

Did anyone in your family try medication for the tremor? Have you ever had meds to improve your emotional life?

Also, what about sleep and nutrition? Do you get a restful night's sleep usually? How is your food intake, especially caffeine?

And exercise? Any regular thing you do, like yoga?

The only medication in my family has been self-prescribed weed by my schizophrenic auntie and a couple of people who've gone on anti-depressants. My grandmother got medicated for her shakes, but only once it reached fully-fledged parkinson's disease when she was quite a lot older than I am now.
My brother is recognised as having muscle dystrophy because his shakes were the worst when we were all younger, so he's been given exemption from hand-writing essays/notes etc. But his hasn't degenerated at all since then. Everyone in my family seems to be the same as they ever were in regards to the shaking. But mine's been getting worse and I don't know why... anxiety maybe?

What about the diet-exercise-sleep question?

Are you anxious?

Also, what about sleep and nutrition? Do you get a restful night's sleep usually? How is your food intake, especially caffeine?

And exercise? any regular thing you do, like yoga?

Sleeping habits are... appalling. I've had mild insomnia since I was about 12. It varies. I find it difficult to sleep at night, but can often fall asleep during the day when I shouldn't... it's more of an avoidance technique than tiredness though.
I have about 1 cup of tea or coffee every day on average. Not heaps.
I exercise a fair bit. My main form of transport is bicycle and I also have a lot of outdoor social activities that I get into, like hiking and kayaking. But there's nothing with regular routine, no organised sports and no daily workout. Just daily cycling, everyday activities related to my workshop, plus whatever I'm doing with friends.

And yes... I'm often anxious.

Have you ever tried acupuncture for your tremors?

Anxious about well-defined things or more nebulous things that you couldn't explain?

I've never tried acupuncture. I don't have a needle phobia, so could probably handle it... though maybe not afford it.
And I get anxious fairly often. I have a lot of people who confide in me... often about pretty serious issues. So I guess I'm getting vicarious stress on top of everything else and it makes me anxious about people. I feel responsible for a lot of people's wellbeing.
And just in general, if I'm under pressure or feel that I'm being judged, it tends to make me anxious. Sometimes I get anxious over some very trivial things. Sometimes I feel nervous for no reason at all. But as I said, I'm getting very good at going blank or forcing a smile that seems genuine, so people often don't notice.

Kal

The cost of the acupuncture could be managed somehow (maybe). You're somewhere in the UK?

Why do people confide in you? And why do you feel responsible for them?

No, I'm in Australia.
People confide in me because I'm patient, tolerant and discreet. Actually, there have been more than a few incidents where complete strangers have also approached me seeking help... often for completely bizarre things. I guess I look trustworthy or something.
But unbeknownst to them, I'm also inclined to completely over-empathise and then allow their problems to become my own.
I care about people... often too much. But I hate it when they know enough to worry about me.

I have to go. I'll be back tomorrow. Thank you for replying.

Kal

I understand. That's why I became a counselor. People confided in me, so I figured I should get the training I needed to actually help them rather than just listen and take their baggage onto my own back.

You had said "uni" so I had guessed UK.

I promise you I won't worry about you. Actually, I think you have too much on the ball and are too smart to be worried about. Worry wouldn't get me anywhere anyway.

It's funny... I feel like I've been deceiving everyone about my emotions... and yet recently, when I've tried to be honest, nobody believes me.

Interesting. No one cares about MY emotions or wants to hear about them.

Do you want to talk about it?

Nah. I'm too together now and can handle it. But thanks.

Does everyone in Oz wear their heart on their sleeve?

Not really. Everyone aged about 14-30 seems completely open about their opinions/experiences to do with sex, but besides that, personal matters are only shared in close circles.
Well... that's what happens in the circles I see... there are a few varieties.
Are you in the US?

Yes. Chicago, like my avatar shows.

I just don't remember ever sharing feelings like you and your friends seem to do. It seems like such a thing would have really bogged all of us down.

I don't know that my friends are a great representation of the average Aussie. But in general, everyone's quite open. If you're sad; cry, if you're angry; swear, if you're amused; laugh.
Most Aussies are pretty frank. I just pretend to be so that nobody looks too closely.

I'm convinced that I'm going to suddenly stop liking my boyfriend within a fortnight or something, just because my moods are so interchangeable at the moment. And because of this, I'm thinking about just breaking up with him now because it saves the complications of doing it later.
How irrational is that? I want to stop something good because I'm worried I'll suddenly (with no provocation) stop enjoying it sometime soon.
But I guess once I get into that mindset... I wouldn't say anything to him about it. Just go along until I can't stand it, avoid him for a while and then break up with him without explaining why. Because that sounds like the kind of stupid thing I'd do... really shouldn't be in a relationship...

Why not just enjoy his friendship and have fun with him and stop thinking so much about it.

Stop thinking so much? That's a fantastic idea!
Or even to try to think about something useful rather than self-obsessed rantings going through my head.

By the way... my friends don't really share that much... I don't know what I said that made you think they do. In general, we talk about school/uni, work, relationships, sex and swap embarrassing stories about families or random events.
The only really serious things that are discussed seem to be with the people who've decided to make me their personal therapist... one with no qualifications or actual ability to help.
It's not really the done thing, it's just that some people need to get things off their chests, and I happen to be conveniently nearby and suitable for the job.

Maybe it's time you refer those people to the school psychologist and stop being a therapist.

(It's very cool that they trust you, but look what it's doing to you! You've got enough on your plate with your own life and emotions.)

Your posts are very deep and emotionally profound. Can you have fun, just for the sake of fun?

I have referred people a few times. I always do for serious issues like rape, abuse... anything that could lead to post-traumatic stress.
But a lot of the time (as I'm sure you know) people just want to talk. Once they've got it out and are made to feel that it's OK to be thinking the way they are.

Fun? Yes. I go out and do things with friends, read, get amused by small children and animals... It's not as if I'm incapable of enjoying life... but everything's... flatter.

It sounds to me that you might be suffering from a slight case of bi-polar disorder. I think you need to see a counselor pronto. It may be a matter of knowing how to live with this condition, which a counselor can teach you. Also, there are simple medications that can help you out. Seriously, go see a counselor. What do you have to loose? Oh, and if money is a factor, call you local mental health department. They'll hook you up.

It has crossed my mind before.
And my university provides free counselling... so I have no excuse really. Any actual diagnosis could be costly... but it's not as if I'm remotely near anything like that at the moment.

I keep telling myself I'll go... but keep finding excuses not to.

So how can we help you get to the counseling office?

I don't know.

I don't know what I'm expecting here.

I guess all I'm effectively doing is whining.

That wasn't my intention.

Not true.

How can we help you walk into that counseling office? (she said again)

I have a better idea, I think. Go see a neuropsychologist first. Neuropsychology - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neuropsychology)

This will likely find out what's needed and give a sense of direction.

First of all,calm yourself,I know that feeling,its like you are dead inside,cant feel any thin,just smile to give a response and deep down inside your trapped,its like a million people in you,just find a good friend,n burst out all your thoughts and feelings and believe me you will get to some point,if not then try to spend some time alone,thinking about yourself and your inner self,and hit me back and tell me what you feel!

I feel exhausted. I feel like I want to curl up in a cave and sleep, away from everything, for a very long time. I feel that I cannot possibly live up to the expectations of everyone around me. I feel that I have a lot of responsibilities that I am incapable of dealing with. I feel that I'm running out of time, and my life's going nowhere. I feel that Kal is buried deep inside me, and a different person is controlling my body most of the time. I feel that I have no idea what I want, or what I'm doing half the time... but for some reason people keep coming to me and wanting me to solve their problems for them. I feel that I'm going to let everyone down, and worst of all... at some point I'm going to stop caring about it.
And I feel that if I actually try to talk to someone about all of this... one or both of us will explode.

Take the risk. Talk with someone about this. The very fact that you've begun talking with us (and I haven't heard any reports of explosions) is a good sign you want to let go of these feelings, this depression.

Just thought I'd let you all know I went to see a counselor today. Took a lot of hyping myself up to get there, but I did it!
She wants me back again next week.
I just hope I can stay in it.

Thanks guys. :)

Just thought I'd let you all know I went to see a counselor today. Took a lot of hyping myself up to get there, but I did it!
She wants me back again next week.
I just hope I can stay in it.

Thanks guys. :)

Listen, You CAN do this. Don't give up. You will have days where you have an appointment and you won't want to go. But you CAN do this.

I went through this too. I would try to think of every excuse in the book to cancel. But my couselor would not give up on me. I'm so glad she didn't, as I finally got the help I needed. I stayed with it for four years, until I moved away. Now I wish I could still see her.

Just know that you have taken that all important first step. Now it's just a matter of working through what needs to be dealt with. It won't go away, but it will get worse. So, hang in there. There are a lot of people that really do care.

Consider yourself hugged and patted on the back. :)

Listen, You CAN do this. Don't give up. You will have days where you have an appointment and you won't want to go. But you CAN do this.

I went through this too. I would try to think of every excuse in the book to cancel. But my couselor would not give up on me. I'm so glad she didn't, as I finally got the help I needed. I stayed with it for four years, until I moved away. Now I wish I could still see her.

Just know that you have taken that all important first step. Now it's just a matter of working through what needs to be dealt with. It won't go away, but it will get worse. So, hang in there. There are a lot of people that really do care.

Consider yourself hugged and patted on the back. :)

Thanks. Thanks so much. It means a lot to me.

It was so weird today. Like... I walked in there and had no idea what it was I wanted to say, so sat there saying nothing for a bit 'til she started prompting me.

I still don't know exactly what I'm trying to say, but I'll keep trying to say it.

Thanks for the hug. :o

I'm convinced that I'm going to suddenly stop liking my boyfriend within a fortnight or something, just because my moods are so interchangeable at the moment. And because of this, I'm thinking about just breaking up with him now because it saves the complications of doing it later.
How irrational is that? I want to stop something good because I'm worried I'll suddenly (with no provocation) stop enjoying it sometime soon.
But I guess once I get into that mindset... I wouldn't say anything to him about it. Just go along until I can't stand it, avoid him for a while and then break up with him without explaining why. Because that sounds like the kind of stupid thing I'd do... really shouldn't be in a relationship...

It's funny, because that's exactly what happened. I stopped liking him, avoided him for a while, then broke up with him.
My counselor left the country not long after I first saw her. I'm waiting until she gets before I continue. The idea of talking to someone new is just... inconcievable at the moment. I've booked in to see her again the week she gets back.
So recently I've just been totally flat. I don't really care what's going on, haven't been seeking people out, or looking forward to things, just been going along with life, and when I'm forced to be communicative, simply say what I'm expected to say and act the way I'm expected to act.
I've only been emotional lately with things that haven't actually happened. Things I imagine can have a profound effect on me, while the things in real life seem quite trivial, as though they're on another plane of existence.
I got a new job. I've been working in schools with emotionally disturbed children. I've actually been really enjoying it... maybe not enjoying, but I find it satisfying. I don't know if it's because I feel that I have a purpose there, or if it's because focusing on the problems of others makes it easier to cope with my own. Maybe it's just flattering to my ego to have others feel safe confiding in me. Maybe I just want to help people. It's hard to say when I know so llittle about what's going on inside my head.
Maybe I'm everyone else's counselor because I get some perverse satisfaction from it... that seems horribly wrong somehow.

Well... that's a brief update... just in caase anyone's interested.

Kal