Hello all,

My ex broke it off 4 months ago after a 1.5yr relationship. We had our normal problems, and we both became really needy - she was insanely insecure and massively jealous. I now realise how unhealthy the relationship was, but it doesn't make it much easier to move on.

One night when we were having a bit of a standard fight over the phone she broke it off, said she doesn't love me anymore and we can't be together if she feels this way etc etc. Clearly it had been on her mind for a while.

So I've struggled through the past 4 months doing NC for about 3 of those months and I'm starting to enjoy being single again - I've had new lady friend (who I'm actually not that keen on, but its been fun to get back in the swing of things). I'm now reaching the stage where I don't care if I have a girl or not, just happy cruising along.

I deleted my ex's number about 1 month after the split up so I don't have her number, but she keeps contacting me every once in a while. She msg'd me on Christmas eve (, just wait 2 hours and its Christmas) to wish me and my family a merry xmas. I sat on it for 24hrs, wrote back a "same to you" message Christmas night after the festivities of the day were over.

Today she writes another message, "just checking up on you. Hope you and your family is well :)". I've just left my old job (which she knows I hated) and I'm looking forward to a new job I'm starting at the end of the month - I'm working out every day, hanging out with my friends all day, meeting new people and just enjoying life... I still think of her every day and she's been in my dreams for the last few nights.

Any ideas what her motives are? I think ill just write back telling her how happy I am with everything at the moment... I'm really looking forward to what the future has in store for me!

Thanks all!

If you are past the emotional goo and blahs, I don't see any harm in returning a text, unless you are mad at her or disapprove of her past behavior for some reason. It sounds to me that you are in a much better position than you were four months ago; why would anyone want to go back to emotional tarpaper?

I'm still a bit angry at the way the break up occurred - she knew it was 2 days before final exams and if she had been thinking about it for so long 1 more week couldn't have hurt could it? However, we spoke about a week after the break up and she apologized for the way it happened.

When we broke up, It hit me like a tonne of bricks - during the whole relationship she was way more devoted than I was. After the break up, wow how the tables turned on me.

I don't think I'm ready to be friends, its still too soon, I still have the same feelings I used to have for her... even though I know I shouldn't. I guess what the brain thinks and the heart feels are two very different things..

I might just send a message telling her of the positive things now that she's no longer in the picture, delete any trace of her number and continue with the NC

She is taking our temperature, seeing if your ready to cave in. Stay with NC, the hell with her motives.

If you are Ok emotionally I am in the same boat as u. I went 4 months NC then my ex messaged me the day after christmas. Now she has been messaging me every day at work. Maybe she misses you and relizes she made a mistake? Maybe... or Maybe not. For me NC served its purpose and if trust/love was not an issue I don't see the harm in contact as long as like in my situation she initiates it and you go with the flow. Your flow. Not hers.
I have thought about cutting my ex off completely but realized for me it wouldn't be right. She was a great friend and I do still care about her. Not sure if it sounds similar but straight NC is good to settle things down after that when you feel the power I say do what your heart tells you to do. You don't have the emotional blinders on anymore so I think you can make better decisions based on your own wants and needs.

OK so I ended up replying to her message telling her all the positive stuff that is going on with me right now and said to say hi to her family for me. I left it at that, didn't ask her anything so as to not give her the impression that I want to know what is going on in her life.

So today I get another message from her telling me she just got her drivers licence... normally I wouldn't care but I was pushing her to go for her licence while we were together, and she was taking her time in bothering to do it. So its kind of painful to hear that she got around to it after we broke up rather then doing it while we were together.

So I guess the best approach would be to just return to NC and leave it at that, don't reply to the message and delete it so I get rid of her number again... I don't really want to know anything more about her life without me, too painful still...

Sounds as though you are still needing time and space, my friend. Stay away until the pain is gone.

Stay away!

You have all your answers, they are peppered throughout your description of the situation. I think it's normal to re-visit feelings when someone from the past contacts you again, however, at your stage it will only do you harm.

Stay N/C and bythe time the hurt is over you may not really care what she is up to. Being friends with an ex is always risky business and most times its not worth the effort and thought put into it. Your moving along nicely by your own admission, any interference with what you are doing would be a huge folly on your part, TRUST ME!

You're doing all the right things. Keep doing them. But I wouldn't even bother writing back. Have no contact whatsoever. If she tries to contact you don't even respond.

Thanks folks - I think that advice is wise, I will stay away and rid myself of her number once again. My thoughts were similar to those above but I just needed someone to re-enforce those thoughts.

Surprisingly, despite being put in the worst mood by the message yesterday I had an insanely good night out last night with friends - I guess I am moving closer to being healed with every day that goes past.

... So it's a week and 1 day since she sent the message about getting her drivers licence, the message I didn't write back to.

Then I get another message today saying "Hey hows it going? :)"...

It's almost 5 months after the break up, I still think about her every day, I don't know what to do anymore :(

NC, and you are doing just fine, sounds like to me. She's playing with you, like a cat does a rodent. You ever watched that happen?

Ahh... she just tried to call me then, I recognised her number and let it ring out.

Well she did this to me shortly after we broke up, so I guess its not wrong for me to do the same to her. Can't help but wonder what could she possibly want from me...

... and she's calling again... twice in 5 minutes... I feel like this is a bit immature not answering... I think I might just have to tell her I'm not ready to do this with her and be done with it.

Update..

Got a message saying she wants to catch up, misses talking to me, that I should call her back but if I "want to be left alone thats fine (it would suck but)"...

After discussion with family and friends I decided to give her a quick call.

Well wasn't that a complete waste of time, she was getting ready for bed and asked if she could call tomorrow... I was like errrm pretty busy tomorrow, but she insisted that she'd call in her lunch break and if I didn't answer she'd try again some other time.

Now I'm just pissed I didn't tell her we talk now to get it out of the way or not at all... I hate giving ultimatums but this is frustrating the hell out of me

My advice, for what it is worth: do not discuss the relationship on the phone, only in person.

Sorry George I didn't want to see her in person, I don't trust myself when I'm around her...

So she called again today, I took the call, had some small talk then I got everything off my chest that I'd been thinking about for 5 months.

- Asked her what type of friendship does she plan on building if one minute we were together and the next she was off and didn't talk to me and didn't explain why we were breaking up etc. Gave her the whole friendships and relationships are built on trust and respect, which she did not show me during the break up so why should I expect it now.

- Asked her what the hell she was thinking with her complete 180 degree change, from not going out and drinking while we were together, to going out all night drinking etc after we broke up - quit smoking when we got together, started smoking again the day after we broke up.

- She's moved out of home and is living in a group house - she had planned to go to school this year.. don't know how that's going to happen, not my concearn however.

- I straight out told her she's the most judgemental person I know, and what's annoying me most about her now is that she is hanging out with a certain group of people "because they dont judge people"... I told her that's certainly not her and she's kidding herself if she thinks that's her.

So her phone dropped out, she called again 5 minutes later and just said if I want to go for coffee or something to just give her a call, otherwise its fine, to which I responded with "ok", left it at that and said our goodbyes.

I want to just write a final message reiterating the fact that her actions affect more than just herself, to stop being something that she's not, and that what goes around comes around... then get back to NC... I feel good now that I've said what I needed to say.

To the looks of it, it looks like you were her stability and her rock. Yeah, she needed a break and I guess that 5 month break was that time that she needed to realize that you were the best guy for her.

Think of it like, you've made you mark.

In every girl. There's a point where she wants to be free and crazy and do whatever, that's their time for them to sow their oats I supposed. I guess for her, she just needed a little shift in lifestyle for the time being.

I don't understand how you say you don't care, its not my concern, and how she's kidding herself. Perhapsh she really is kidding herself, but You mentioned it here in the forums, its in your head. Deep down inside you do want to know more and are curious as hell.

Go out for some coffee, be friends, go with the flow. Who knows, maybe it'll be better now once everythings talked out.

I don't think running away from your problems solve anything especially someone who's impacted your life so much. Yeah, you can ignore her (especially if you think she has a motive), like what these guys say. But I think you're better off tying loose ends and possibly starting new.

Two days before final exams my girlfriend also broke up with me. We had our grace period of silence, we talked, we had dinner, hell she even picked me up from the airport and slept over (no sex/separate beds) to catch up when I came back. We're still good friends, just not boyfriend and girlfriend. Im still keeping in mind and hoping, but I'm also moving on. Just going with the flow I guess.

5 months is pretty long, especially for girls, that's a lot of change; new clothes, new hairstyle, new attitude etc etc... You guys now have 5 months worth of stories to talk about. I say meet up with her and go with the flow. That's just my opinion, ask her why she's been calling ask really listen. Listen for motives, listen for need, listen for yourself. You want to know too right? Listen, listen, listen. I bet she missed you a lot and thought about you every night also.

Just my 2cents.

Thanks for your post Pbatoon, I appreciate your input.

Well, I went with my gut instinct and decided to send her the final message before I get back into NC. I just wanted to sit and think about things that were said after the phone conversation.
- I reminded her that her actions affect other people, not just herself. (she admitted she was being selfish).
- I said I know she's probably trying to find herself right now but the person she's becoming isn't really her, some personal traits she has just cannot be changed.. she admitted that on the phone.
- I finished the message saying I'm not trying to be rude but I needed to tell her these things and that she can take what she wants from it. I finished it with: after all I've been honest with you the whole time I've known her and to give it some thought.


I think your right Pbatoon - she has taken on board the things I used to tell her when we were together (that she should get her drivers licence, that she didn't need to wear makeup as often as she did as she's truly pretty without it etc)... she just got her licence and she told me today that she doesn't wear any makeup anymore etc, so it looks like she's taken those things on board, so maybe she will think about what I said in the message and over the phone.

I don't like the person she's becoming, it's not the girl I fell in love with. My family and friends have told me she's a lost cause, and I'm starting to think they are right.

Hey Mr.Blank,

It's a tough situation to be sure.

I, for one, think the best action would have been to continue your N/C like everyone advised. I say that because it seems like you are telling her what displeases you and your not excited about what direction she is heading towards. Also, if your not readyto get back together what's the point in all this? You seem to be opening wounds that you began healing.

I do understand why you did it, I did the same thing. I called after the relationship to clear the air and said some things I wanted to say, she did too and we got nowhere. What I'm saying is thatyou must look at the bigger picture. Do you want her back, HONESTLY want her back, not just cause your lonely. If that be the case than this could be your opportunity for that. If you plan on not taking her back (although this still is not your choice at this point) than you need not say it is too difficult but rather begin a new N/C and let this go.

5 months is along time for N/C and bringing herback will delay getting over her should things not result in getting back with her. Find out what you want and simplify, if you want her go! If not than enough talk, never mind whether it is childish or not to not pick up. I'll bet in 5 years you really won't be concerned with whether not picking up was childish.

Sometimes we put too much faith in what we want to get and ignore the benefits of what we don't get. There are benefits in not getting something my friend.

Although BMI and I are at different sides of the spectrum in advice, I do agree when he/she stated

"if you want her go! If not than enough talk"

Its up to you if you still want to pursue her or not. In any case, you can't expect people to stay the same, especially women. Think of it like multiple mid-life crisis. Idk, I can tell she misses you like crazy even though her change in lifestyle and stuff. You said she's still going to school? College right?

Well if its college... Lots of things happen especially to women. That's when they finally define themselves. I think she's dissapointed that she lost you as a friend, and didn't intend to hurt you. I know it sucks , but just think, if you were the best you could be to her, and did the best things you could do to her, you are sure to make the best impact on her. Once she realized she lost the best thing she had, you can either choose to accept her back or move on in good terms.

Men are like gardeners; Nurturing, protecting, guiding. Women are like flowers; vunerable, fickle, ever-changing. Even though you are two different entities, you must be patient and grow with each other if you plan to make that partnership.

Thanks for your posts guys you both make very good points on both ends of the scale.

BMI - I wanted to make sure she knows what she did was not appreciated. When we first broke up I sort of brushed her actions off because I still wanted to get back together with her, and figured if I caused problems at that point I may not get her back. In the 5 months since, I've come to the realization that I don't want her back, I just miss being with her and the things we did. I look forward to finding someone new and I know its just a matter of time. I think the reason why I wanted to get everything out in the open was because it doesn't matter if she got angry at what I said and doesn't want to talk to me for a while - it gives me a chance to get back to proper NC. I just didn't want to continue stewing on what I planned to tell her next time we ran into each other, and it wasn't helping me move on. I feel now that I've said everything I want to say, it's like "closure".

I think above all I just feel disappointed that I spent close to 2 years of my life with a girl who was beginning to set herself up with a bright future, who appears to have now forgotten about the goals she set herself. I'm a very success driven person and it annoys me to see people taking the easy option and not reaching their potential, which it seems she's doing judging by her recent actions.



Pbatoon - Nope she's not at school. When we were together she was getting really hyped about starting her diploma this year but now that she's not living at home I can't see how she plans to afford going to school. Hopefully I'm wrong and she goes to school, I would hate to see someone with such potential losing sight of her goals. She really did have a bright future, now I'm not so sure.

"accept her back or move on in good terms" - I don't think there is any going back now - I hope to be able to move on in peace and maybe one day we can become friends, but I think any time soon is too soon. I hope she does see me as the most positive influence on her and she might listen to what I said to her the other day.

Fair enough friend.

I understand why you did it. If what you say is how you feel than I wish you the best with it all and I truly hope you are looking toward the future.

IF however, I read on here that you back in the swing of things with her and doing the whole back and forth thing, then I'm going to have to call you on it my man:)

Its been a few months, and all the emotional dust has had a chance to settle, so whatever you do, facts not feelings, should be a major part of your decision. If you are still confused, or find that your feelings have changed, you already know to back off, and be honest, as you evaluate things at your own pace.

Well... why don't we throw a spanner in the works then shall we?

I went to lunch with my friends today and who was sitting in the café next to us... yep, that's right, my ex drinking some alcoholic drink with some guy.

So she waves, I wave, I finish my lunch and leave as I had stuff to do. She waves, I wave, I leave. She calls a few hours later, I take the call,.
She says "so i couldnt read your body language today so i didnt know if i should come and talk to you"... I said I was busy so it didn't matter. She then asks if after seeing her today do I take back any of the things I said on the phone.. I wasl ike umm no, like I said, you wouldn't have a social drink with me and my friends because you always "feel sick" and now you have no worries. Anyway she tells me the message was a bit rude, I brushed it off, the conversation goes on. She tells me the guy she was with works with her and he's gay, which doesn't surprise me as she used to hang around with a lot of gay guys before I knew her.

Anyway conversation goes on, she moved outa home because she was constantly fighting with her dad and thought it would be better to have space from him. She actually got in to her course at school next year so she's going... maybe I jumped to some conclusions the other day...

So anyway she tells me to give her a call when I'm ready and we'll go for coffee. I start work in a week and uni goes back next month, so I think I can hold out and occupy myself until I'm too busy to do anything...

I don't know how I feel right now... I think now that I've said what I needed to say I no longer care what happens - I can't work out if this means I no longer want her at all and wouldn't mind becoming friends, or is my mind lying to me and I wouldn't mind becoming friends with her to take her temperature and see if something is there.

Damnit, should just stuck to NC like you guys suggested :( But then again, I would still be thinking about what I was going to say to her when I finally ran in to her, which wasn't helping me move on...

When in doubt stick to NC, sometimes nothing is the best course of action. Healthy people, have a well thought out plan of action, that suits their interest, and when they don't, they take the time to get one, so there is no need to rush headlong into a rushed, decision, if your confused about how you feel. Take the time to find out about those feelings.

You said you said what you wanted to say and now you don't care anymore so isn't that your answer?

I think your mind can play with you in a situation like this. If you really don't care (though I suspect you do a bit) than being friends with her at this point would be a huge mistake for the most part. If you do care (and I think you do a bit:) than being friends with her at this point would be a gigantic mistake. Your mind is trolling around her and its easy to convince yourself you don't care in order for you to start the friendship, only to start stabbing you in the back when she's doing stuff you disagree with or seeing other guys.

Like Talaniman said, doing nothing is best when your unsure what to do. Let me ask though, how did you feel when you saw her with the other guy? (assuming you did not know he was gay and nothing was going on by the way the two of them, be honest)

I think you are both right. I re-read my previous post and your right BMI, I contradict myself numerous times. I do think my mind is playing tricks on me right now.

When I saw her with the other guy I just thought "well i've been dating others so i guess theres nothing wrong with her dating either". She can't stand to be alone, so it didn't surprise me seeing her with a guy. She's terrible, if left alone for even a few hours she starts to go insane. It's that bad. Had I known there was something going on between them, it may have been different though, but at the time I was really only thinking about her, how she had or hadn't changed, how I was going to get through lunch without looking over at her etc.

She is still on my mind all the time... I had trouble sleeping lastnight, so yes I can say I'm still not ready to be friends, I still have feelings for her after 5 months :(. I can't understand why I still do... it was so hard to be with her because of her constant drama (calling 5+ times a day just to check up, anxiety attacks when we were out in public, the inability of her to make friends with my old friends, her constant want to spend more time with me than I could possibly give her, her insane jealousy, my general loss of any freedom) and I still can't figure out why I miss her so bad. I guess because she was my first major girlfriend I haven't experienced a proper healthy relationship, so I guess I have nothing to contrast it with. I think I'm having so much trouble because I spent so much time with her, she was always calling me etc and all of a sudden, one day it stopped and I'm having trouble adjusting back. I now understand after reading about relationships that you could almost describe it as a "co-dependant" relationship, which is really unhealthy.

I guess I think as she becomes more independent then these things may change and she might be good quality, and I don't want to miss out on that... but I guess that's just hopes and dreams.

I know its not up to me though and I'm still keen to find someone new.

Back to NC I go :(

Good for you Mr.Blank.

Welcome to the crappy world of post break-ups. I really think that situations like these are some of the most painful one can go through and there is little one can do to make the feelings go away save give it time. 5 months does seem like a long time to still be thinking about something painful, hell I'm on month 8 and she still creeps in.

N/C is like saving money in a way, you want to go out and buy things but it would be wiser to save up for the future. The hard part is sticking to the plan regardless of what happens, but saying that things will get better in 6-8 months does not get one all excited about that prospect. It comes down to understanding the big picture and being emotionally and mentally strong enough to stick with it, hurt and all.

You seem like a really nice guy and I hope things start to get easier for you. Never hesitate to talk about it, many find it very helpful, even if it distracts you for 15 minutes:)

Thanks BMI!

Your right, talking to people has helped to put it all in perspective.
I had my first day at the new job and its going to be a lot of fun. That should help to keep me occupied. Hopefully there will be no need to ask for more advice but ill be back if there are further developments.

Thanks again all for your helpful advice!