I am female and I have a guy who is my best friend for 3 years, whom I have fallen for. We hang out together all the time. We are in our 40's. We have never shared intimacy but lots of flirting & lots of chemistry. We do things together all the time. I would like to ask him about changing the friendship to a relationship. I need some help in choosing the right words and approach. He is taking me out to dinner this week for a post New Year's celebration. I want to know as we start this new year so I can either go forward with him or move on.

Here is some of what I was thinking please tell me what you think & offer advice & suggestions.
When to say it??
1. approaching the subject at the end of the night once we are saying goodnight in the car so if he says "no" it does not make the whole evening awkard

2. inviting him up at the end of the evening and saying it once we are inside
(hopefully he'll come up but I need an alternative if he does not)

3. saying it at the end of the dinner (but if he says "no" the drive home may be awkard).

What to say??
1. we have a great friemdship and I would like to take it to another level and wanted to know what you think? I would like us to date as a couple?

2. What do you think about changing this relationship & dating?

3. I really enjoy being with you, I respect & appreciate who you are as a person and I miss you when I'm not around you. I'd like to take out friendship to the next level & date. How do you feel about that?

I know he has been hurt a couple of times & is a bit shy.
Suggestions, opinions, please!!

Call him right now and just tell him you love him and wait and see what he says.:cool:

I don't want to scare him off. Seems like that would really scare him off.

If he feels the same way you do I doubt it!:cool: Seems to me you guys are already dating!:eek:

Well it's like we are dating.. but we are not. We do a lot of thing togthere but there has been no intimacy.

If neither of you is seeing anyone else then you are dating intimate or not!:cool::eek:

Well I still think I have to raise the issue and see what response I get so I know for sure where this can go.

Anything worth having is worth taking a risk for,I wish you luck and I'll keep my fingers crossed for you!:cool:

Thanks talaniman.
So do you have any suggestions re the "when & how" on my original question?
Are you male or female?
If you are male what would get your response the most?
If you are feamale which would you do?

Hi I think you should just be yourself and at dinner near the end just say too him.

Ill have my fingers crossed for you

I am a soon to be 52 year old male married w/children? For the last 30 years.If I read you right for the last 3 years you and this felloe have been going out and are pretty good friends so you can't say that an admission of love would come as a surprise!You say he's shy I don't know but the way I see it is one of you can make a move or just keep things like they are.Just grab his hand clear out the blue say I LOVE YOU... then see how he reacts.If he runs like a scalded dog,you have your answer,IF he says it back... intimacy? Well you get my drift just throw it on him and stand back.. no flowers, champaign, or a lexus.(handcuffs up to you):cool:

:) actually he drives a Lexus

I agree with both these guys. Just be yourself and just tell the guy how you feel. Don't wait too long to tell him.

Ok everyone the deal is I do plan to tell him. Without question.
My original question was "how to say it" and "when" all based on our planned dinner date this week.

I suspect you are the scared one here.and I've answered the how(just say it) and when(asap) the rest is up to you!Good luck!:cool:

No actually I am not scared I just want to know. So I can either move on with him or someone else.

You've known him for 3 years and you obviously know him pretty well, so you probably know what to do or say better than any of us on this forum could advise you. I'm sure you've had time to "feel him out" and can probably predict fairly well how he'd react if you were to approach the subject with him. Actually, you might want to try it "without words" first, if that makes any sense to you. What I mean by that is encourage him to be a little more affectionate and romantic towards you. You do this by behaving that way towards him. For example, hold his hand, hold his arm as you walk out of the car into a restaurant or wherever. Kiss him not only goodnight but whenever the mood is appropriate. Even if he doesn't initiate these things with you, do it with him. If he responds in a positive manner, then you have your answer. Now, if the two of you already do these things on a regular basis, then I'm sure he's just as open to the idea as you are and you likewise have your answer. Then you can apporach the subject with him and in all likelihood get a favorable response.

Yes I agree with everyone, just tell him how you feel. I don't think he will be scared away, because you two have known each other for quite a while.

I am a very direct person, but... I think if it was me I would simply say, I have something really important to tell you... and then just say how I felt. Short and sweet and to the point. If he's at all attracted to you he'll be flattered and excited. Good luck!

I simply called my good friend (now wife) and asked if she wanted to go on a real date with me. Her response was "you know that will change our relationship". I agreed and told her I had given it thought. She asked for an hour to ponder it. That was several years, one child and now a grandchild ago.

The worst thing you could do, In my opinion, is denying your feelings, only to wonder "what if". If he is not romantically interested, but truly a friend, it should be no harm - no foul situation. If he is interested... remember us guys like flowers, too. ;)

Good luck.

Edited for spelling

Citylover, I'm also a city girl. If you really like the guy, you shouldn't be embarrassed to show it. Don't be afraid let him know how you feel about him. Ask him out to dinner and if you get tongue tied during the date, talk about your job, what's going well or if you have a hobby talk about that. After dinner invite him in so you can talk to him in private. If you don't know how to ask him in, say, Would you like to come in for a cup of coffee or a drink? Once your alone with him and your confident, let him know how you feel about him. He probably likes you too, but doesn't know how to impress his feelings. I think he will be flattered to know that you like him. Hopefully, he will say the same back to you. Good luck.

PrettynPetite1... I won't have to ask him out for dinner because the dinner that is planned for this week is a post New Year's celebration but also a birthday dinner for me. The dinner invite has already come from him. He was unable to take me for my birthday last week so we are going this week. We have yet to exchange Christmas gift so I could even invite him up to get his gift after we return from dinner. That may be a workable thing.

mischievous... I like the "guys like flowers too".. maybe I should have a single rose for him also.

Great, citylover. I hope everything goes well. Keep us posted.

Definitely go for. It can turn out bad but it can also turn out great. I told a friend of mine how I felt about her and our friendship kind of petered out after that , but I wasn't happy being around her and having these feelings hidden. As soon as I told her I felt much better.


Oh and I'm a guy and I love flowers.

What's with the flowers guys?I'd rather have a lexus,my wife promised me a vet,didn't happen, should I dump her for breach of contract?:eek: :cool:

Breach of contract lol

Id rather have something useful rather than flowers which run out in like a week get like chocolate at least you can eat that lol

Well he has a sweet tooth so chocolate could work

Help! My wife woke up and read this thread, now she's sueing me for breach of contract, seems I promised her the moon and when I dropped my pants she wasn't to thrilled so now I'm on my way to get a box of chocolates.Think she'll share?Do the guys have any flowers left?Have a good day I already messed mine up!;) :cool:

Don't worry ull be fine lol just buy her roses chocolate or quality street chocolate as they are both massive tins so if you had a few she wouldn't notice lol

Parvan
Newbie Join Date: Dec 2005
Posts: 7


Definately go for. It can turn out bad but it can also turn out great. I told a friend of mine how I felt about her and our friendship kind of petered out after that , but I wasn't happy being around her and having these feelings hidden. As soon as I told her I felt much better

Wow that is a turn. I really hope and do believe this friendship can survive if this guy decides he is not interested in going to another level. We are so close I would believe it will be fine. I would hate to lose this friendship.

I doubt you would as he will understand.

Also instead of using copy and paste to quote someone if you press quote by there original thread it starts a reply ith a copy of there post next too it.

OK thanks for the posting tip

OK and hope your dinner goes well next week

I agree with what everyone else has posted, just be you!

This person is already a good friend of yours because they like you as a person, people like people so you can't go wrong with been yourself... I think you should just go with it :cool: Hey we only live once on this earth so lets make the most of the time that we have, for happiness, love and fun.:)

All the advice here is very good, and you need to gain that confidence deep within. If he's not dating anyone then he probably is just as comfortable with you as you are with him and is also too shy to reveal his true feelings toward you. So, one of you have to take that step. I'm sure that with a friendship for so long, he will not just plain 'reject' you, and if you can handle feeling comfortable just as friends if that's the only thing he has to offer, then at least you'll know where you stand and it's out in the air. If he agrees and is relieved that it's finally out - then you two will have a wonderful basis to go further since you know each other so well. At any rate, I don't think you have anything to lose and wish you all the best. As far as your original post, statement number three would be what I would say, and go from there.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_3_18.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZN)Wishing you inner peace and happiness!

At your age , you should know by now that good friends is where a partner starts if they don't make it that far no point in taking it further.

Just call him and let him know, you all have been "dating" even if you both don't realise it.

When you have a friendship as tight as the one you describe, it can survive so many things. I don't think you should wait for your dinner date. I think you need to call him up and ask him to come over as soon as he can because there's something important you need to speak to him about. If he becomes concerned, let him know you're okay, you just really need him to come over at his earliest convenience. Serve him and yourself a drink when he gets there and just let it rip. Be prepared for his response, any response. He may laugh histerically because he was feeling the same thing and you beat him to the punch, he may be shocked (which is why you want a drink and him sitting) or he may in all unlikelyhood, that he would rather keep the friendship intact. Eitherway, I don't believe it would seriously harm your relationship. Worst case scenario, he may hug you and tell you he wished he felt the same and that he loves you for your honesty and make a little joke about it?? I don't know.

You mentioned that you guys flirt a little, how little is little? Are you close in a brother/sister sort of way or as in a really want to be around each other sort of way?

As another poster said, you know him best, do whatever you think will work.

I know you have been given lots and lots of excellent advice. I was in a similar situation. Friends with this girl, she was afraid to take it to the next level because she did not want to ruin the friendship. She thought that if anything happened she would lose our friendship. I reassured her that we would always be best friends. That would not happen. It took time. It was not rushed. Now she is my wife. We have been married for almost two years now. So, with some people it might be a shock response or maybe for the longest time he has been feeling the same way but did not want to come out with it. You never never know until you open yourself up.

Joe

Ok Its been a week and I've been biting my sweater to find out what has happened to citylover!Its not fair to keep us in the dark like this!Or am I being nosey?:cool: