See my post below if you want to read the really short version of this

Long Version, I met my ex in Germany while I was in the army, she was a medical intern from Budapest and working in Berlin when we met, our relationship started a few months later after she broke up with her ex and we both traveled back to Berlin. We had what seemed like an extremely romantic and emotional one night stand, but after we both returned to our homes we started calling each other from Frankfurt to Budapest, and eventually flying to visit, she gave me a happy surprise by showing up unannounced once. During these visits we fell in love and for reasons I can't discuss I know that know matter what I do she is not capable of stopping loving me even if it is not the best thing for her.

At one point she got another internship in Germany nearer to me and we got a place to live together, things seemed great and we always settled our differences (what few there were at the time) with compromise and communication.

During this time we began to have a sexual issues though, I had an unhealthy addiction to pornography and immature attitudes about sex. Sex began to cause her both emotional and physical discomfort, and I while I was sensitive to her I did not act to resolve the issue, which we convinced ourselves was something physically wrong with her.

I got out of the army early and we moved back to Hungary together. This was an exciting time, she had her friends back, which was very important to us because she felt isolated in Germany on account of me being a shut in. I began attending Hungarian language classes and I was and still am enthusiastic about learning the language but I couldn't keep my excitement high for the duration of the course, and my attendance suffered, afterwards my motivation waned and I became lazy and stopped leaving the house almost altogether, quite often she would stay in when she would have gone out if I wasn't there. And our sexual relationship deteriorated even more, until she completely lost all desire to make love with me. I regressed further and continued indulging my porn addiction.

Throughout our relationship we made efforts to bring porn into our sexual relationship she even made efforts to share in my use of it, but ultimately it was not for her and she always felt negative (guilt or shame) about it afterwards no matter how good the experience was.

Outside of our sex and social life, all aspects of our relationship seemed genuinely good, we loved spending time together doing all sorts of things and she was broadening my horizons. I was helping her to grow and encouraging her, while I was becoming much less stressed and more patient. Her family had never made any of her other boyfriends part of the family like they did for me. And all her friends loved me too. She told me many times that I made her feel wonderful in ways that no one else ever had. And she did that for me as well.

But the problems were getting worse and we decided that we needed time apart, I returned to America for three weeks to help a family member that was in trouble and when I returned things seemed OK but not improved, we went on holiday for three weeks and I thought it was a great time, but much later she made it sound as if it was a disaster.

Finally I made the decision to return semi-permanently to the US to work and attend College with my money from the government, as well as finish becoming a man by being on my own and finding out what life is like when you've only got yourself to rely upon.
We agreed that we could see other people while we were apart, she even encouraged me to(bad sign, I know) but I didn't believe that either of us would. Things were horrible when I got back, it was difficult for the first month without a job or car or a place of my own, I wrote infrequently to her and usually complained, and I neglected her. I had been back in the US about a month when she took her final exams for her Medical Degree, and I forgot to call on the day of the first one, because I had a job interview. We fought about how I was not worried about her problems when she was stressed and I wasn't 'there' for her, and I was only concerned with how hard things were for me. I did my best to make up for them and she seemed to open up a bit but she never came completely around after the exams.

A few weeks later she didn't call or write for about a week and when we finally talked and she told me she didn't feel comfortable being my girlfriend anymore, she wanted to be 'just herself' I told her she could, we both cried and she made it sound as if she were saying goodbye, she told me that she would have come to live with me in America if I had only made it sound like I was happier. In the end I told her she could live her life and that I would try to do the same. The following days it ate me up inside until I couldn't hold it anymore, and I called her back and told her that I would fight for her until my last breath and that I'd never let her go. She sounded happy but scared that I was fighting in vain, but I felt better that I told her how much I wanted us to work. I didn't call her for a few days, then a four days before Christmas she called and said that she missed me. After we talked for a bit she said that I sounded like I was doing very well, (the truth is I was not but I was incredibly happy that she called and I wanted to make her proud) and because I sounded stronger now she thought I was ready for her to tell me something that she had to say. She started by saying that there was somebody else that she would rather go to parties with... then when I questioned her she told me that she had kissed and slept with other men and was still seeing one and had slept with him more than once.

I felt emptiness inside, it wasn’t the pain I felt when she told me she didn’t want to be mine, it was slow deep hurt of shock and then jealousy, I tried my best to keep my cool and I’m sure that I sounded very small and weak but I told her that I was disappointed but that I loved her anyway and I forgave her, because I had given her permission.

I tried to talk to her less afterward because I don’t want to be the jealous ex, but it upset me so much that it all happened while she has a brand new freedom and is surrounded by friends and family and opportunity. She was doing nothing but partying until she has to prepare to find work next year. While I am here, alone, hungry, working a physical labor job that I am unaccustomed to, with few friends, and long hours of nothing to do in-between hard workdays.

I was getting ready to leave her, but I couldn’t each time I got any word from her.

Finally I put some puzzle pieces together and I realized from things she had said that she had already met her new fling, before she told me she wanted to separate. This made me very angry because it made it apparent to me that while I don’t need her to survive and am doing better now, she couldn’t stand being alone in the midst of all her blessings, and she was still afraid of losing me enough to mislead me so that she could cheat on me guilt free and keep me on a string, waiting for her to come back.

I believe she should have told me that she had met somebody the first time she called me but instead she said she wanted independence even though she had picked out her new lover, and then she waited for me to become bent on winning her back to tell me she was with somebody else.

So I decided to stop contact with her. She didn’t contact me until the day before New Year’s Eve, she sent a message that said

“Did you call? I couldn’t hear my anything. I’m out playing guitar hero with kids, kisses”

The important thing here is that if I called her, there is no way she would not know, because I am pretty universal when I want to get a hold of somebody I’ll write messages and call several times and email and so forth, so she knew I had not called. I responded in a friendly but distant manner a couple hours later;

“Just got your message. I’ve been working in my garage. I didn’t call but I was thinking about guitar hero today.”

On the 31st I knew she would not call for new years, I but I waited all day anyway, and I sent this just before midnight her time

“Happy New year I hope it’s good one”


Friendly but impersonal.


I even went out with some new friends and tried to enjoy myself. But I felt miserable. The

Next day she sent me another text at 5:00pm her time

“Happy happy new year! Im so sorry my phone died last night and i just got home. Talk to u soon i hope u had a great time!! Kisses”

This made me angry because it felt like she was trying to rub it in that she spent the night and the entire day out, and it doesn’t take much of an imagination to picture her with her new lover bringing in the new year together in all sorts of ways that me want to die.

So I didn’t respond, I haven’t talked to her since then, but I still love her and I even believe that she might not realize that she is playing these horrible games with me.

Since then she had sent me several more messages, the went as follows

In the middle of a job interview I told her I had on the 2nd of Jan (fortunately I had my phone on silent)

“Hey hun, are you available now? Luv”



The response I sent an hour or so after the interview:

“Can’t right now”

And a few hours later I wrote this

"Can't talk to you tonight, I'm busy sorry"



Later that day she replied

“It’s ok. We have a whole new year ahead. Talk to you later. Kisses”


By this point I’m feel angry enough that I don’t really want to call her, but still I do want to talk to her and Dammit I still love her.

Today is the 5th and she has tried to chat with me and even called later on Skype I didn’t answer the chat, but I wasn’t around when she called, probably makes me lucky.

Short version, I was with my ex for 2 years, lived together for 18months, relationship was hurting because we we're living off her parents money, she was going to med school, and I wasn't doing anything, so we decided to separate so I could get on my feet and she could have some freedom. Shortly after she asked me if she could be 'just her' while I'm away and not be my girl friend, I agreed because I want her to get her freedom back and find herself. Soon after this she called and said she missed me and after hearing how good I sounded told me that she had been with other men. I tried like hell to convince her that I'm not the same guy I was before and that she should love me as much as I love her because I've grown. Now I'm trying no contact and she has started sending me messages asking to talk, I'm ignoring them until she gets persistent, but I don't know how bad she wants to talk. I'm afraid of getting my hopes up again, but I do still love her and I can forgive her for the things she's done.



Here is my question!

So Now what do I do, It’s obvious she wants to talk but she doesn’t contact me logically, she won’t just send me an email or a message trying to make a time to talk, she just expects me to call her I guess. Well I want her to miss me and I want her to realize how big a mistake she made when she left me. So I’m waiting, but I don’t have any clue what I’m going to say when we talk.

Just my opinion, but any talking you do should be in person. As one great president said, 'Trust but verify'. You have no way to verify what she is saying to you, therefore she can say anything. Do you guys write to each other? Maybe if she were to write you a letter explaining how she found herself, then she could show you her logical side and where she would like the relationship to go.

Talking in person would quite difficult, I'm in Arizona and she is in Hungary.

My guess is she may be scared, since you are so far away, that you might never get back together and then she wasted her time waiting. But she isn't sure if she wants to have a life without you because it could take her in a whole different direction that didn't include you. Girls have a hard time with a change that feels like breaking up and they will one minute be talking like they don't want to be with you then the next calling and saying they miss you. They do this because they think of the good times you had together and then think of a future that doesn't include you and then get all emotional

She is probably confused herself about what she wants. She most likely won't persist you because she might think you are too busy, don't want to be bothered with her, moved on with your life and forgotten about her since you are doing NC.
If you want to be with her you need to keep communicating with her otherwise she is going to think you don't care anymore or that you are playing a game with contact/no contact.
When there is a big distance you need to keep letting her know you are still interested.

It seems as your priority should be you, and getting your own life in order. Yes I have read both versions of your story, and you have a lot of work to do for you. Leave her alone for the time being, so you can't be distracted from your own issues. She is living her own life at this time. As well she should.

Thank you Nohelp4you, I've been thinking that it doesn't feel natural not to call her, and I was worried that what you are saying might happen, (that she will lose confidence and believe I have moved on) I think I will call her today and fill her in on some news but I won't get too smothering.

Sometimes it is difficult to convince somebody that you're doing well though, I was just turned down by a really promising job, but I'm still being optimistic and I've even told myself that it could be for the best that I'm staying at my physical job because this way I can use my mental power in college and stay in shape at work.

Talaniman, I agree and I have been making an effort to concentrate on myself, however an excess of free time often (every minute almost) causes my focus to drift back to her, I am filling my free time with activity though.

But there are some other factors that I need to consider, I was offered a job in Hungary and I am waiting for details about it before I consider it seriously, and I thought deeply about it and I decided that even if we don't get back together I would rather live in Hungary if I can afford to go to a university there.

It is also like you said, she is living her own life, and I believe I am doing the same, but she has made it clear through her attempts to contact me that she at least wants me to believe that she wants me to continue being a part of her life.

I also just noticed that some things I wrote are missing from my initial post, they concerned the progress I've made since I've been living alone:

Since I began working I've become much more productive, I enjoy my free time much more and I don't waste a lot of time sitting around doing nothing. I don't use pornography any more at all, and I have nearly stopped masturbating, I used to abuse myself excessively and now I am happy that I don't waste my time and energy doing it anymore. I've made many new friends, one who tried to get me the job I mentioned, even though I didn't get the job I'm still socializing much more and it feels good to go out and talk with people which is something I didn't do enough of before and during my relationship with my ex (to her and my chagrin). I've reconciled with my family who I had grown distant with. I'm also proud of myself overall because my health and fitness have improved vastly and I don't feel tired after working as I have my entire life until now.

So I feel that while I still have growing to do (I'm not dead yet!) I have moved so far from the person I was when I left her, and I feel entitled to her acknowledgment, because she was what motivated a great deal of my improvement. Just let me make it clear though, even though she inspired me to better myself, and even the fear of losing her motivated a lot of change, I ultimately made these changes because they were what I wanted.

Well I panicked. I called at a bad time, she was with the other man, she said she would call me back, and she did, several times she called the next three days but I wasn't around or I just didn't answer. I thought it was working really great, but I was wrong. When I finally answered I tried to be cool and sound busy and uninterested. I felt horrible after, I don't think it had any affect on her and I just felt like I had lied.

So I panicked again and I called her back, I told her how I really felt, and that I didn't want to play games anymore. I told her how I was disappointed in her and how I thought she was making mistakes, she predictably got angry, not very. But she pointed out how I was wrong on nearly all of my accusations, she did admit to misleading me about when she met the other man, but she did it to try to hurt me less because she was afraid of how badly I'd take it. And she said to me "if were not playing games anymore and being honest, then I have to tell you I don't want to be with you."

We finished by me saying that I want to be in her life and we agreed that we would talk more

It wasn't to be, I know better, I know the anguish that I feel when she told me she doesn't love me anymore and again when she told me she does not want me back. I thought hard about it, and I took the advice I got here, and I wrote her a message that said goodbye, but I didn't send it, I owe her more than that, she at least called to tell me that she didn't want me anymore. So I decided to call her after work the next day. I couldn't wait that long, I was crying and shaking all day at work and on my break I called and I told her that I was wrong to call her before and it was selfish and I told her that I needed to be selfish one more time. This is more or less what I told her,

I can't go on like this, we can't talk anymore. I love you and I will never stop loving you, but I have to accept that 'one day' when we meet again might never come, if we keep talking I can't accept that so I have to say goodbye.

I'm happy that I can't hurt you anymore, but I would be lying if I told you that I didn't want it to hurt you when I said goodbye,
You gave me so many chances and I wasted them, I'm sorry that I failed you so many times. Don't feel bad I was wrong to say I was disappointed in you. I made so many mistakes.

Please forgive me but I have to tell you one last thing before I leave you.

I want you to remember a moment we shared ****this was a private thing between us****

Please remember that

If you ever want to give me another chance please do. But I can't hope for that I'm not waiting for that day anymore I can't live that way. You don't love me, you don't need me anymore you have somebody else now, I can't wait for you any longer.
I will always love you, I will never forget you, but we are never going to be together again,
She said that we would know when we can talk again, but I cut her off and said I can't think that, I can't wait for it, I have to let her go.
She said to me that she made mistakes and I told her she didn't,

She also said that she will never forget me and that I had succeeded in one way, she told me she felt terrible now, and I only cried more and apologized. I feel guilty that I did this to her, in part I did it because I wanted her to feel this pain before she goes back to her new lover, I want her to think of us and what we had and my pain when she is with him this weekend. I want her to miss me, and I know she does, but I want her to miss me more than she wants to be with her new lover. I want her to think about me during the entire train ride to him, I want her to remember me when she goes home and sees some of my things that are still there, and whenever she remembers me I want her to realize how good it was before it went bad, and I know that this thought is going to eat me up inside but I just want her to remember me when she realizes she doesn't love the man she is with.

I know that I'm selfish, but I have to be a little selfish now or else I won't be able to bear this pain anymore. I want to spoil her relationship with him, I know I'm wrong, but I feel like she cheated on me. I know that she didn't and I want her to be happy, but I want to make her happy. All I can do now is wait, and try to forget her. But I know I will never forget her, she is the first person I ever loved and I know she truly loved me. So all I can really do is wait for it to stop hurting and move on.

I know that I'm selfish, but I have to be a little selfish now or else I won't be able to bear this pain anymore. I want to spoil her relationship with him, I know I'm wrong, but I feel like she cheated on me. I know that she didn't and I want her to be happy, but I want to make her happy. All I can do now is wait, and try to forget her. But I know I will never forget her, she is the first person I ever loved and I know she truly loved me. So all I can really do is wait for it to stop hurting and move on.

In a question that I had posed not too long ago, one of the amazing (and wise) relationship gurus on this forum put things into perspective when he said, "Yes, he deserves to be happy, but SO DO YOU." You deserve happiness just as much as she does.

You said, "All i can really do is wait for it to stop hurting and move on." You're right. It hurts like hell, I know, but one day - probably more "later" than "sooner" - the pain will ease up a little bit and you'll be able to re-capture your thinking and your heart. The story about the Phoenix rising from the ashes is quite appropriate...

One day you will be happy again, one day you will wake up not thinking about her, one day you will notice that pretty girl that smiles at you in the food store, and then one day, one amazing day, you'll remember that its been a while since you cried... and in that day, your life will begin again.

Keep your chin up... that day will come. You'll rise from these ashes of a wrecked and ruined relationship to find that you are stronger, wiser, and more love-able than before.

Sorry about the way this worked out but you can and will make it through just fine. You wrote: "She said to me that she made mistakes and I told her she didn't" Just a comment; there are some other threads where guys and gals are talking about their 'significant other' on a pedestal; over time I believe you will realize she doesn't belong on a pedestal and you shouldn't blame yourself for the relationship going south.

I agree with you a bit, but to be honest I mostly told her that she didn't make mistakes because I want her to realize that I see my problems more clearly, and I wanted to leave her with a feeling that I love her.

I know she did things wrong, but she was not aware of most of them. It's also true that we both could have helped each other more with our own problems. We communicated but sometimes she did not communicate her needs, likewise I did not dig deep enough sometimes to find out if something was bothering her.

One particular problem was her disappointment in me because did not show enough interest in some things she showed, her high school was one thing, she showed it to me and according to her I was indifferent. Just before she told me about the other man, she mentioned that it made her angry that I showed so little interest in it, and that she had shown somebody else and they got excited and hopped out of the car and wanted to run up close to look, which was exactly what she expected. Obviously this turned out to be her new lover, I doubt this was her honest expectation but I can understand in a way her disappointment, but she admitted that she felt guilty for being angry at me about this, and that she considered it childish to be disappointed over something so trivial, never the less it was another black mark on her "womans record against man she loves".


Basically I've reached the conclusion that I'll never get her back, and I have to face the steps of recovery one at a time.

I'm sad that she fell out of love with me, I'm angry that even though she fell back in love with me when I left, she quickly fell out of love as soon as somebody interesting came along. I'm disappointed that she couldn't be alone, and that she was afraid of losing me until she was sure that she got on well with her new boyfriend. I'm hurt deeply but I still understand and forgive because she acted from fear. I'm most disappointed that she did not acknowledge all the work I have done for her here by myself, by just waiting a while longer or at least being honest with me. She told me that she did not want to get involved with anybody else, and I believe that she believed that. But I think it's unacceptable how quickly she lowered her resolve, especially because this guy is not somebody that she wants to spend her whole life with, and originally she said she let herself be with him because she won't break his heart. But that may have changed, I think she is falling for him and I have a pretty good feeling that she will get hurt or bored. In my love blind state I hope desperately that that will happen and that she calls me grief stricken and begs me to take her back, which I will of course, but only after much consideration and a lot of communication with her.

Any way thank you all for your advice and for reading all that tangled mess. I appreciate very much having additional people to help me vent.

Thank you for sharing this aspect of your life. We are all on a journey that is not always mapped and the road signs are difficult to read.

Easy: swallow your damn prides and work it out.

Sorry haha didn't mean for it to come out that negative. What I mean is I have hella friends who lose relationships and the people they love because they won't swallow they're prides. They wait for each other to make the first move or wait for the other person to work it out.

I don't know if pride is an issue anymore, she has told me that she doesn't love me, the first time was last summer when I was still living with her. She told me she doesn't want to be with me anymore, she is in a new relationship with somebody else, and she has told me that she doesn't want to get back together with me. I don't have much pride left after she has taken away my manhood like this. I've begged her and pleaded her and tried to remind her of why we fell in love, but it's pretty obvious that she doesn't believe she loves me anymore, I don't know how I can work it out with her if it's even possible. If I could I would but she doesn't love me anymore, I have to live my life, if I keep trying to win her back and pushing her into her new lovers arms it's going to drive me insnane. It's bad enough that I think about it all the time. I made lots of moves and she has responded more negatively each time. If I keep telling her I love her she will eventually become much more harsh in the manner that she tells me she doesn't love me and eventually her pity will turn to hate. I don't want to make her believe that I've moved on but if I don't there is not even a chance that she will consider me a man ever again. I realize that that is not the point of me ending my half of the relationship it's supposed to be about me recovering my life, but I'm still in denial, I want to believe that we could still end up together, but mostly I know that it will never happen.

homesick, you are beginning to come around. Try getting your mind away from what you are thinking, and focus on what she is thinking and doing.

First of all the high school, is nothing but a smokescreen to shift blame. She lost interest long ago due to something. She is nothing but a liar. Now she is trying to rationize her decisions with BS statements like "it just happened", "you wen't there for me" and so on.

"She told me that she did not want to get involved with anybody else," - another lie. She has been looking for a while

And now you are BEGGING. This is a serious turnoff for women as they view that as a sign of weakness.

Next time you talk to her, tell her she is a loser and you though about it and thank god things didn't pursue further as it would have been one of the biggest mistakes you ever made in your life.

Don't call her again. I promise she will call within 2 months of NC.

Dude, this happens over and over on these boards. I have been there myself and acting like you are and it got me nowhere. Only years later did I realize how deceptive ex's can be.

There are some good girls out there, but not this one.

Why have you mentioned high school? I met her when I was 21 and she was 24. We are now 23 and 26.

She never said that I wasn't there for her, I figured that out myself because when I was living with her and for a time after I left, I was a vapid lazy person, and now I see why she stopped being attracted to me.

As for whether she was looking for somebody else, you can't know what she was doing, I choose to believe that she did not intentionally find another man, but we discussed it and she is well aware that she is afraid of being alone, and I know that she was subconsciously seeking somebody else to support her. At first it was her close female friend who she was spending all her time with. But then we had some friction added to our distance and she met a guy who was kind to her and has many nice qualities. So, she, latched onto him because she is a lonely, needy person (for lack of a better term). She is currently incapable of being single.

I have a deep personal hope that may be futile that someday she will outgrow this need to be with somebody and then we could be together, but I also have to realize that I'm hurting so bad right now, not only because I miss her, but also because I am afraid to be alone, I just haven't got anybody to go to but her. There are still two extremely unlikely possibilities that we both outgrow our fears of aloneness and we find each other again and build a new healthy relationship, or we remain the way we are and we latch back together as soon as we are both single again.

I hope that we are both stronger and wiser someday and we get another chance, but I know it's not healthy to wait my whole life for that chance, I have to heal myself and move on. I'm not ready to let that hope go yet but I will be soon I hope, and then it won't matter to me if we ever get back together because I will have learned to be happy without her. I hope she can do the same.

One thing your getting good at, is making excuses for her behavior, and bashing yourself over the head. Neither of which is helpful to you.

Got to 'spread it around'; good points Tal; whatever you do, don't make excuses for her behavior or rationalize to where you are at fault!!

I know that no contact started two days ago for me, and I should have done it in at the beginning of November, but I'm starting the official No Contact Calender now because I really blew my first attempt at it starting on the 27th of December, So now I've marked today and I have written in March 31 "how do you feel?" if I want to call her then, I will, but not until then.

First of all the high school, is nothing but a smokescreen to shift blame. She lost interest long ago due to something. She is nothing but a liar. Now she is trying to rationize her decisions with BS statements like "it just happened", "you wen't there for me" and so on.

"She told me that she did not want to get involved with anybody else," - another lie. She has been looking for a while

And now you are BEGGING. This is a serious turnoff for women as they view that as a sign of weakness.

Next time you talk to her, tell her she is a loser and you though about it and thank god things didn't pursue further as it would have been one of the biggest mistakes you ever made in your life.

Don't call her again. I promise she will call within 2 months of NC.

Dude, this happens over and over on these boards. I have been there myself and acting like you are and it got me nowhere. Only years later did I realize how deceptive ex's can be.

There are some good girls out there, but not this one.


It's amazing how I denied everything you said in this post, but now I can see that it's all exactly right.

There is only one thing I disagree with;
I believe that she is a good woman, and that if we both continue to grow on our own we could get together again, but only after a lot of time has passed and we learn more about ourselves, (she especially needs to grow up, I think I'm way ahead of her now). I look forward to seeing if she can get through this pattern of dependency and outgrow her issues with being so easily disappointed and her inability to express it, and I know that I have already begun to overcome my failures.

So I still believe that we have a chance. I know that it is so incredibly small that in order for it to happen I have to move on and stop wanting it or at least make her believe that I have done that. I have already started putting my life back together, I haven't slowed down at all. I'm still starting college today, and I haven't lost my job, I even started dating and I'm still going to parties and socializing, I believe that I can meet somebody to pass the time with, and maybe even start a relationship, nothing too serious though because I know I can't be there for somebody else when a part of me still wants to wait for my chance with her again. I decided today that I wouldn't cry for her anymore, she made her choices and I can't change them. All I can do is make the best of my future, and myself, if I do that than everything will work out and it will be like a bonus if one day she realizes that I'm the best guy for her, and that she lost something special when she decided not to wait for me anymore.


So all I've said brings me to this; What do I do when she calls me? I can't be cruel to her she'll see right through me. I still don't believe that she did all these things intentionally, she is on some levels aware that she does these things and she tried to tell me at different times. I don't want to hurt her, and I don't want to completely remove her from my life, I might be strong enough to be friends with her someday, and I still think she is a wonderful person, even if she will never be mine again. So how do I make her see that I'm not in love with her anymore but that I have become all the things she fell in love with before.

I'm going to answer my own question, sorry. I'm going to be myself, but I'm going to calculate how I do it. I'm going to go look for someone else, and I'm going to be happy with who I am. I'm going to do good at all the things I set my mind to, and I'm going to show her clearly that I don't need her in order to be happy. I'm not going to call her, she is going to find out when she calls me, or when I bump into her when I'm back in Hungary.

If you have any advice for the best way for me to tell her how great I'm doing without it looking like I'm trying to tell her how great I'm doing, I would really appreciate it.

Wow, I had to tell this to someone else this morning, and it applies to you also. If your so worried about something that may not happen, then you are not focused on healing. If you were, then you would already know how to answer your question, so stop playing with your own mind, and do what it takes to heal, and you will know what to do.

The frustration is getting to me, everyday I want to call her, and I come up with different things that I would say to try to influence her. And everyday I tell myself that no matter what I say she will still only think that I called because I wanted to talk to her=I need her/want her approval. Even if I call her up and say something cruel and tell her how horrible she was for me or that she's not worth my time if she can't see how good I am. I even know that some of these things are true.

I know that if she doesn't see how much I've changed and how great I am now she is NOT worth my time.

But I have to call somebody everyday or talk to different people to find the strength not to call her.

I can't stop regretting that the last time we spoke, I was in tears, and I was begging her for another chance in the future, and that the only way I could tell her that I would not wait anymore was by saying that it was too painful. I am continuously tempted to find a covert way to get her to realize that I'm not that weak person that left her in tears, I am a strong man that was hurt, and that I am a sexy smart funny person that she wants to be with.

I won't call her, but I want to find a way to make sure she knows that I am not waiting for her. I want her to think about me, I want her to wonder, and know that I'm a better person. I want her to put me on the pedestal and doubt herself. I know that the sooner she realizes this the sooner she will realize that it was a mistake to let me go. I don't have any doubts about how she feels about me, I just need her to realize that I am stronger than she thinks I am. I know she loves me and I know that she was attracted to the potential that I have come to realize, she stopped loving me because I failed in the past and she failed to wait and support me in my low state. And her biggest failure of all was her fear of being alone. When she finally realizes that I am the one for her, I will make sure she has the strength to stand on her own two feet before I take her back.

I know some of you may think that I am leading myself on or dwelling in denial, but I know her, and I know that I'm too good for her to treat me the way she did, the problem is she doesn't know it yet. She is very good at fooling herself.

I can't leave it up to chance that she will realize these important things. I have to find a way to make her see the truth.

homesick writes: "But I have to call somebody everyday or talk to different people to find the strength not to call her." Hey Dog, you've got to keep making friends, you have family, and you've got us, right?

You wrote: " I am continuously tempted to find a covert way to get her to realize...." This is what I call a mind game; talaniman has some other words for it; you get impulsive and think it is the best thing to do, and it is the worst thing you can do.

You wrote: "I have to find a way to make her see the truth." At this point you may have crossed a line in personal relations. You don't have to do anything, as they say, but die and pay taxes. Really, homesick, shouldn't she be 'off-limits'?

Sounds to me like you are doing so much better; there are peaks and valleys, but each day gets a little better.

Have you been reading some of the other topics where the guys and gals are sharing their stories? In the event you haven't, I've hotlinked a page and I would like you to read freakinconfused's reply to missinghim2much. I mean, read all this stuff because I think it will help you, as well as responding to the ideas and emotions you see and feel. https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/nc-calendar-124229-26.html

Thanks for your quick reply. I know that a great deal of my impulses are natural, and most of them come from my refusal to let her go.

But I really can't imagine myself letting her go. I did it externally when I said goodbye but I can't stand that the way I said goodbye really sounded like 'I'll never say goodbye, I'll wait for you forever.'

I may be waiting but I can live my own life and still have hopes for starting again with her.
I am living my life for myself and making decisions based on what is best for me, not for her, I am forcing myself to live, I want to date and party and make progress towards my goals, but trying again with her remains an important goal to me, and I won't lie it's still the most important, but I will not quit my job, leave school, sell all my things and fly back there to see her because that is dooming myself to failure, I am doing what I set out to do, I am becoming a man, and I am completing my tasks. When the time is right I will go back to Hungary, the time will be right when I can support myself, and have a job and school and an objective there, when my life brings me back to her, I will reach out to her, not until then, unless she reaches out to me first.


But I am impatient, I want everything now(silly aren't I)

I have been reading the other forums and they do help a lot.

Things have gotten easier, but no matter how much I heal, I know that what we had is not finished. I will not finish it until I am in a position for her to truly see how much I've changed.

I won't break it off for good by being cruel to her, and I refuse to let me drift away in her memory as another broken hearted worshiper. I am more than her servant. I am a desirable man, and I will not let this woman that I love forget about that just because I didn't make these changes in my life sooner.



The post you referred to is absolutely right, I'm not blind and I can see that I am only torturing myself. But I'm stubborn and I'm not ready to accept that she doesn't love me. I still believe that she will come back to me, not for who I was, but for the same reasons she fell in love with me in the first place; What I can be, and what I can help her to be.

I thought about it a lot, and it would be a hard talk if she called me up, I'd be extremely tempted to profess my undying devotion and tell her how I waited so long for her to call, but I know that I must be strong and make sure that she is mature enough to stick with me next time.

And as for whether she will call, she must. A bunch of my stuff is still in her flat in Hungary. I know that she will call me eventually, but I think most of all that she will wait because she is afraid that I am still hurting and still loving her. The sooner she sees that I am not weak and hurting anymore the sooner she will call and try to get close to me again. She is capable of being better than what she is now, and I love her enough to be patient and wait for that potential to come out just like my own potential has come out.


And just because I love summing things up have this,

What I said; "I'm saying goodbye because this hurts too much."

What I should have said; "I'm better than your 'backup plan' and if you can't see that your stupid, goodbye."

Good morning, homesick!

Over the past couple days, after perusing these forums and making my own comments on several, I've charted a club. Yes, A club. :) (who says we have to abandon the illustrious club phase when we grow up? ) So many of us have been through the pain of a failed relationship, the pain of having to say "you're stupid, goodbye," the pain of changing our cell phone providers, not answering phone calls/texts/voice mails, and all the other hurtful, heart-wrenching circumstances that cloud our judgement and ruin our days. So... with all that said, you are being cordially invited to join our prestigious ranks.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You, homesick, have done the right thing.

By doing so, you have been chosen for membership and are hereby inducted into the Hall of Cell-phone-taker-chargers. We hereby welcome you into our ranks with open arms, a pat on the back, and an "atta boy!"

Lifetime membership has been applied and drawn in your name.

Good job.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Among our ranks are some of other hurt, wounded souls enrolled in askmehelpdesk.com. We at the HCPTC welcome you. :)

Yours is the kind of noble love that Shakespeare wrote of, the kind of love recorded on tables of stone written during the era of knights and their ladies, the kind of love that will remain, the kind of love that will sustain obstacles, knock down walls, and leap tall buildings - i.e. Superlove.

I'm not trying to make light of it at all, I'm just impressed and touched that you are willing to "be strong, still love, and take her back when she realizes" that yours is the type of love she needs... the unconditional, unfaltering, unfailing, REAL love.

Best wishes to you, homesick. I still am glad to welcome you into the HCPTC. Your support network are we. :)

Thank you Historian Chick, I wish someone would just tell her all that you just said.

I have only found a few people that support my seemingly futile quest to win her back, and it is not for lack of searching. I know the odds are stacked against me but I believe that we all make our own destiny and that some things are too good to die. Right now I just need to remember one other thing, all things come in time, and I learned before that I am very good at waiting, this is going to be a very big test for me.

I am glad to accept membership into your noble group.
Surviving heart break, I now realize, is one of the most difficult things in the world to endure, and I am proud to be one among you, I'll thank you all in advance for supporting me in my future moments of weakness when I will be tempted to contact her again.

Put a calendar on your fridge, and mark the three week time frame, then see how you feel. If you call her you are just going to reset the clock that will help you heal. She knows that you care for her and calling her will only make you revert to begging. You need to let her come to you if it ever will.

If she calls, simply ask how she's been, talk to her about school but do not bring the relationship up. Keep it short and get off the phone.

Look this is a great time to analyze the relationship by taking walks by yourself so that you can think about how YOU can make yourself better for the next relationship. Think about the mistakes and work to correct them to make yourself a better person. When you want to call her, put the cell in a drawer and take a walk.

You see, when you do this, you make yourself better for the next partner. If you don't you make the same mistakes.

I'd wait until she actually calls you or makes an otherwise conscientious attempt to talk with you (i.e. comes see you in person.) Meanwhile, start thinking about what you want to say to her now so that you'll be prepared. In short, be assertive but not hostile and let her see that you do in fact love yourself most of all and you want to be treated accordingly.

Thank you both for your advice, I will take it to heart, I've been writing a journal on my computer everyday about how I feel and what I want to say to her, and I have been crossing the days on my calandar since I said goodbye to her, my first goal is March 31st.

I have spent much time considering our relationship, and I am not being dishonest when I say her faults were very few, I analyzed my own behavior and I've found that I was not happy with who I was, and this affected her, I love myself much more now, and I am a better person with or without her. The biggest thing that I can fault her with is her hasty departure, nevertheless, I can excuse it because she did suffer with me for a long time. She is not without guilt, she did make some pretty lame excuses for her actions, but I let the situation get into bad enough shape for her to leave me. And I will not rule out the possibility that she would have left me for someone else even if I had been a stronger person after I left her alone, but I do know without a doubt that if I had been strong enough to make these changes while we were together she never would have strayed.

She has proven that she is a needy person, and she also has what you might call a short attention span, she just moves from interest to interest quite often, but she stayed with me for two years, through some really hard times, and she stayed with me when I was at my worst, the only time she stopped loving me was when things got better but I remained lazy and unmotivated.

When I was living off her, I was a parasite, no job, no school, barely a hobby and I rarely left the house, of course she got sick of me, of coarse she didn't want to make love, it hurt her and it made her feel dirty, I fault her here because she was not happy with me but she didn't go out on her own she tried to get me to go out and if I wouldn't she suffered in silence until it got to stressful for her. She felt too much pity for me to make me leave, I don't know if she held out hope that I would improve, but I believe that she did for a long time. She needs to be stronger, just like I needed to be, and it took her leaving me to realize it.

I'm better off facing adversity, it spurs on my growth. I know now that as long as I have a job I will remain active and healthy, and that I can be a complete person that doesn't rely on somebody else to keep me occupied, and that was the kind of man she needs.


I do need to think about what I'm going to say when she calls. That's tough, but it might be easy when the time comes. In any case I will let her know that I don't need her, that my life is going great, that I am taking excellent care of myself and that I want the best for her, I will leave it up to her to decide if I am the best for her, because I know that if she gets a clear picture of me her old feelings will return and she will see the man that she saw inside of me from the start, and that is who she will choose.

I hate asking why because there is no answer...

Or it's so simple that it's infuriating, why didn't I just not call her back when she said goodbye?

She was in tears, she felt guilty, she knew I deserved her, she even said that I deserved her!

Why didn't I just say goodbye hang up the phone, cry and wait for her to call back.

The simple answer is "I didn't know that's what I was supposed to do."
There are not big enough curse words for how angry that makes me.

I thought that I was recovering quickly through the longest damn week of my life, I was crying less and keeping busy, I even managed to laugh a little. But Denial is tricky and it's my favorite stage of grief so I keep going back to it, rarely the anger but always- denial-depression-denial-depression...

I don't care if I'm in denial, it feels better than acceptance, because when I'm in denial I have something to look forward to, her call, her apology, my successful return to Hungary. I even have denial about how difficult my situation is, my life is not a bed of roses. But when I think about the trials of my everyday life, compared to the pain of her leaving me, it makes it all seem like cake and ice cream. Which is good because when she calls me I can say 'everything in my life is good, except for you'.

Her leaving me is starting to make my everyday life harder, denial is not so strong now, thoughts of her distract me from my studies and pleasures, and I've been sent home a couple times from work because I was pale and couldn't stop shaking or crying.

So denial; I refuse to stop doing it, because I know that she still loves me, but it was also true what I said to her, it hurts me too much to wait for her when she is not waiting for me, she doesn't love me, she is with somebody else, she doesn't call me, it appears she has forgotten me, it looks like she never loved me, but I KNOW that she loves me and I know that she has seen the absolute worst I could ever be and still loved me. She forgave me for the selfish monster inside of me and loved me ever stronger for being brave enough to show it to her, she never left me because of how horrible and thoughtless and weak I had been in the past. She left me because I left, and when I left all she had was memories of that horrible person, she stopped seeing the light shining deep inside of me.

I can't show that light to her without her seeing that horrible person first. It's her damned memory of my failures that blinds her to my ultimate success. And she clouds her judgment with a comfortable arm to hold on to.

My day will come when I return, when somebody in her family reminds her of me, when one of our friends asks how I am doing, when she sees some of my things in our flat, looks at our pictures, reads an old message, sees a movie that gives her shivers because it was so like us. She will call and it won't be just a courtesy of asking when will I come to get my things, she will remember the light, and she will half expect to find the demon-parasite when she calls. But then I'll answer and the darkness will vanish and piercing light stronger than a thousand thousand lightning bolts will pierce her heart and she will see the god that she imagined when she looked up that first time and fell in love, and when she surprised me with a visit, when she stayed with me after my horrible mistakes, when she moved in with me, when we fell in love again and again.


This is what I tell myself, it's the only thing that keeps me going.

I don't know what I'll do when I finally see that this is a lie, I'm too afraid to kill myself. I am too afraid that in taking my own life I would move onto a hell worse than the one I am in now.

I don't want to stop believing the lie, I can believe the lie and do what I told her I would in the past, I can go be a living breathing working man, I can go sleep with other women, I can get myself a temporary girlfriend, I can go live the thrill of a life guided by only my decisions.

But I will always hold onto the day when she comes looking for the light again.

In this forum I believe that a very useful demographic is being sorely underepresented.

Where are all the girls that have taken back the guys they dumped!

I want to hear what they have to say!

Tell me what I must do!

This has been the longest week of my life, but I know that I can last until the end 2008 without contacting her.
However when I start planning my return to Hungary for the following semester it would just be silly of me not to call, I mean, she has all my stuff there!

Ok so let me lay down some new facts, I called a mutual friend of ours from Hungary today, he is her best friend's fiancé, but I believe his loyalty lies with me and all men, not the treacherous ladies. He is studying in spain right now but he was visiting on the day that I called her to say goodbye.

He told me that she told the two of them that day that i broke up with her??

I said it hurt to bad to wait for her, and that we would never speak again because I couldn't go on that way, how does that equal me breaking up with her?

I asked if she were relieved or upset, and he said both!

I'm freaking out here, I just don't know how to interpret this, I know I need to put my mind on something else but that just won't be possible for a little while.

It sounds like she is trying to make me the bad guy, and if that's what she wants she has already succeeded! I can't win!

What the hell does she think I am now? The nice guy that won't stand in the way of her happiness, or the hurt guy that has to let go, or the angry guy who doesn't put up with unfaithfulness? Why the hell can't I just make her see me as the God like superman that she saw in me so long ago? I'm doing everything right for me but I just have no ability whatsoever to influence her in anyway!

Crap I just want her to break under the pressure, the relationship can't be that good! I don't want to wait until I'm moving back to Hungary before I know whether she regrets leaving me, because I know she will eventually but I am sick of waiting for her to break up with some dude to figure out how much I'm worth to her!

I know, I know, 'it sounds like she's not worth it if she let you go so easy' right?
But that's the thing, she didn't want to let me go, and she doesn't want me back, I hate being in this freaking limbo!

All it would take would be her seeing me, she wouldn't even have to see me with another woman! Just to see that I am not a ghost, I'm not a phantom that won't let go of the past, I'm a grown man dammit, that's all she needed from me!

Impossible I'm here, and she's there, I'm focusing on my future, and she can't see past the next 5 seconds, she wanted to get laid, she got it, she wanted to have a new boyfriend, she got it, she wanted to talk to me, SHE IS NOT GETTING IT. She wanted me to love her and wait forever, she got that (dammit).

I only wish she could feel the strain that I am under, I don't have a new lover, if we both had a box labeled "responsibilities" her's would contain a sandwich, and mine a starving Bengal tiger.

Where is the damn justice?





I'm sorry I just have to let it out.

Oh homesick... I'm so sorry. I wish I could give you the ingredients of the elusive heart-mending elixer, but sadly, it eludes me, too. I wish I could tell you how to forget the pain and sorrow, to forget the hurt and the betrayal, to truly let yourself heal... but those answers, those solutions, can only be found within your own heart.

Its raining outside today. Whenever it rains and I feel depressed, I'm reminded of that little kids movie "Earnest Goes to Camp." (yes, another kids movie - I'm a wealth of Hollywood quotes) There was a short, little song at the beginning of the movie when Earnest goes out walking in the rain... "I'm so glad its raining, cause no one sees the teardrops when they fall." Sometimes, rain is just what we need. Dance in the rain, Darlin. Go out and stand in it. "Let the rain kiss you. Let the rain beat upon your head with silver liquid drops. Let the rain sing you a lullaby." (Langston Hughes)

You have a support network, homesick, as evidenced by your friend in Hungary/Spain. You have a forum of thousands of unknown people who feel your pain, understand your feelings of betrayal, and yes, share in your hope for a reconciliation. No one can convince her that you are her "happily ever after" but her. She is living in "conveniences" - you are living in reality. She is wanting a quick roller coaster thrill, you are offering a lifetime pass to Disneyland. She is choosing a Ford... you're offering an Aston Martin.

All this to say, don't sell yourself short. Revel in your moments. Let each moment shine as a spectrum of color, imprinting its rainbow rays on your life... Live in each breath, don't worry about the next, but truly revel in your today's. I don't know how to tell you to do this, but I'll pray that you are able to find the key to momentary living in your own personal way.

Good luck, homesick... Keep your chin up.

Kevin: "Hey, I'm not afraid anymore! I said I'm not afraid anymore! Do you hear me? I'm not afraid anymore!"

Thanks so much HC, your consolation comes at a time when I am feeling ready to take your advice.

I had a revelation today, it's a lot more complicated than this, but I can say it simply;

It's OK for me to be happy without her!

I still have her in the back of my mind, but I have new horizons to explore, and believe it or not it looks like I've got a date later this week, and I'm actually excited about it. I have myself esteem back, I don't just have to tell that to myself anymore, I really believe it 100%, not 95% or 98%, 100%.

My life is going extraordinarily well, there are hiccups here and there, but I have become master of myself at last! I can be happy, and the secret is so simple; I just have to choose to be happy. I could never believe that it could be so easy.

This must be what it feels like after taking a line of cocaine!

I know that song and I loved that, I'm not kidding, that was my favorite part of that movie. And I just remembered it has, "So Happy Together" in that movie too. That was 'Our Song' sure we had a few others, but I think that one was really ours.

Everything really feels like it's going right now, and I can appreciate it. She may be getting further away from me, but that doesn't matter now, now is not the time for me to parade back into her life, that will come later, right now is the time for me to do what we talked about before, I have live my life. And it's really getting good now.

I can still love her and not need her, I can enjoy my freedom, I'm going to finally meet somebody cool and I hope I'll have a good time with her, I'm really getting interested in my college classes, and my job is a joke but it has made me a sexy working class hero.

A lot of things happened today too. All of them happened after I started feeling good, most of them happened while I was writing this or just before. I got a short note and a recipe that I asked her parents for. The possible date I mentioned sent me her phone number and seems excited about meeting me. My ex logged onto to skype yesterday and just now for the first time in awhile, and I don't assume she's looking for me, but it is reassuring none the less, because usually, she only uses skype or email when she has a lot of extra time.

I know I shouldn't gloat, but I started feeling great hours ago before I saw her come online, when I finally saw and believed all the mistakes she made. I can see now that she really misjudged me and I forgave her before I understood that, now I see what I forgave her for.

I really understand what people are saying now when they tell a dumpee "she is not worth your time if she doesn't love you"
I never believed that even before I knew what love was, but now I get it, it doesn't have to be an absolute but it is true, if she doesn't love me now, I can spend my time and emotions on myself, later when the time is right I can invest in her again if I choose.

Wow this feels great.

I'm proud of you.

Take that beautiful date for a drive in your new Aston Martin life... I'm sure she'll love it! :)

Make your moments shine!

I forgot to say earlier, you have a gift for words, you and everybody else here has really helped me gain perspective on my situation, I wouldn't be as well off as I am now if you guys hadn't told me how it was and how it is.

I'm finally excited about this year, it's not going to be work it's going to be like a year long bachelor party.

Well without the strippers and a lot less alcohol, and no donkey shows.

Damn I'm such loser... I seem to be bipolar. I knew I would feel down really soon but I messed things up.

Couldn't get a hold of the new girl today, no big deal, I didn't make a fool of myself or anything, but I noticed that my ex was was still on skype tonight when I got home, not a big deal right? Well my stupid curiosity was killing me, it was nearly two in the morning for her, she must be talking to somebody, I should have left it alone, that didn't make me jealous or anything it was just weird, so I changed my status from invisible to online, and within seconds she appeared to log off...

Could have just been the system catching the fact that she was off already, probably not, I imagine she saw me come on and got spooked and either turned invisible, or logged off, but I'm not sure if she knows how to change her status on there.

Now what am I doing, I'm over analyzing it torturing myself, and just freaking out over nothing.

Was I just in denial again today, I thought I hit a milestone how do I go back so fast to being so miserable.

It's because I can't stop myself from reading her damn mail box, every time I get a tiny hint about her relationship with him, it makes more questions and more doubts and more images in my head that make me wan to put an icepick in my brain to dig them out.

I can't believe that I keep doing this to myself, I was so confident that no matter what happens I can wait a year before approaching her again, but now I'm afraid to see her until I redeem myself for all this spying bull and all this wimpy wussy weak assclown garbage I've been doing to make myself hurt more. I can't drop her, I can't forget about her, even if I stop all this nonsense, but I really need to stop doing this friggin torture to myself.

Why can't I trust myself, I already know I can't trust her, why do I want to keep looking at the evidence, I'm just making everything worse, not just on myself, but I'm going to have to fess up one day. Jesus I hate myself for that, I'm so good at taking care of myself and everything else, but this one damn link that I have left to her is destroying my whole world. And it's not even her doing it to me, it's me doing it to myself, I'm still very sick. What do I do.

I believe it is like learning to crawl once again; have you ever seen how an infant learns to get its knees under its torso? They have to try, try, and try again. Then you will pull yourself up to your feet, and fall; and pull yourself up again, and take those first steps. And you, like everyone in this mess, will fall; and you brush it off, and start walking again; and soon skipping and then running through the wind. For me, hour by hour, day by day, and now week by week. And you will look back and those raw, painful feelings will not be so intense; you will surprise yourself, you will see.

damn I'm such loser... I seem to be bipolar. I knew I would feel down really soon but I messed things up.

why can't I trust myself, I already know I can't trust her, why do I want to keep looking at the evidence, I'm just making everything worse, not just on myself, but I'm gonna have to fess up one day. Jesus I hate myself for that, I'm so good at taking care of myself and everything else, but this one damn link that I have left to her is destroying my whole world. and it's not even her doing it to me, it's me doing it to myself, I'm still very sick. what do I do.

Darlin, you're not bi-polar, you're human. You're going through the stages of letting someone go... expect Shekra (The best roller coaster in the world... at Busch Gardens, Tampa).

You do trust yourself. You have moments of pure happiness, intense grief, and all-consuming hatred for yourself and her.

You're not going crazy, nor are you sick. Healing takes time. But you know what? (Yet another one of my famous literary antidotes... ) You know what a pearl is?? Other than being one of the single most beautiful adornments, it is basically a scab. When the oyster gets a cut in his shell, he starts to exert all his energy to heal that cut... the dirt particles that crept into the shell in the tears the soft oyster become a scab. That scab is what we call a pearl. Every time that I wear a pearl I'm reminded of that... Without the cut, never would there be a pearl.

Without your pain, never will there be a glorious ending.

I wrote something once... It's very non-poetic, but it was during a time in my life that I was going through what you are going through right now... this conflict of emotions...

A grain of sand embedded in the soft flesh of an oyster
The pain; an impurity tunneling away at the hidden depths
The oyster, unbeknownst to the harsh and cruel world surrounding him
Quietly struggles to rid his body of the offender.

Slowly, the single grain becomes a jagged cut
Followed by tears of pain
Not knowing why he hurts so, he presses on
Desperately seeking to purge his soft tissue.

Repairing the breach by fashioning a scab
Completely covering the torn membrane
The oyster begins to heal himself
Becoming stronger and wiser from the grain.

To the beholder, the healing scab has become a precious pearl
A soft, glistening reminder of elegance and beauty.
To the oyster, but a testament of
A battle fought
A weakness overcome
A victory won.

It is up to you to make the struggles of today
The pearls of tomorrow.

© 2008 HistorianChick

(It's nothing special, but hope it helped. :) I'm rooting for you!:)

Just curious, how long to make a pearl?

Depends on the oyster... :)

I hope this doesn't come across as desperation, but that's probably what it is. I thank you for your sage advice, and I'm smart enough to know that it's right and that I should take it, but I'm also a very stubborn person, actually I prefer to call myself steadfast. I don't like to change my mind, I will look at something from all angles before I change the way I think about it. The only angle I have left to look at this problem from is the future, and I know I can wait for that, but I've told myself to look at it every other possible way.

Was it my fault, was it her fault, was it nobody's fault, was it bad timing, was it circumstance, is this a test, have I already failed it, did she fail, who will come out better from this in the end.

No matter what questions I ask or what conclusions I draw, I still come up with the root of the matter, I love her, and she does not love me. She thinks that anyway. But I know better, I know her heart and I know her weakness, and fear, and I'll be damned if I don't know my own heart. I could almost completely let her go yesterday, I knew from the start that it could almost cripple me but I could let her be with somebody else from the start because I know that she will come back to me, but she won't fight for my old self, she is too short sighted to remember what was inside of me that inspired her to grow beyond her frail limits. It might only take time for that barrier to be destroyed, and time is something that I have, but we both know that she falls in love easily, and she is good at fooling herself for her comfort, so despite my foreknowledge that her new relationship is not likely to last, her patterns suggest that she will not circle back, they suggest that she will move further down her path of desperation. But I should reconsider that, she does circle back, but she doesn't consider this searching for a replacement suitor, she might think of it as catching up with old friends, rebuilding her self esteem is what it really is, when all these old flames rush to answer her vague dispatches.

I need a secret weapon, I need something to shock her into seeing me clearly. If only I had a way to reach her, but I'm blocked at all fronts, whether she wants to see me again, any way I have of relaying evidence of my swift recovery would be lost on her. It's such a damn dilemma I know better than to call or write her, not so much out of fear of the dreaded 'friend zone' but I can't afford her prejudice anymore, I need her to think I am not attainable anymore, and right now she probably believes I am only a phone call away, I can't abide that, I need her to see me as I am now, completely able to enjoy my life without her, honestly I can laugh again, and I can go out, I'm planning good times very soon and I guarantee she won't ruin them for me, If I could convince her that I was getting married I might try it, I need some pretense to communicate with her, or something to lure her into contacting me. I hate games but she played them mercilessly with me and I deserve the opportunity to show her what I can do when I am in control instead of her. I needed to suffer to know what I was taking for granted and the same must be true for her, she smothered her suffering with petty arguments and new romance, I tasted the full draft of my suffering and I drank long, now it is time to share. I don't really want her to suffer I just want to take away her ignorance, if she knows how good she could have it she'd come running back to me.

She doesn't love me any less because of the pathetic way I acted when she broke up with me, she just lost attraction, and it was at a time that she was playing the field, the main reason she left me was for somebody else, and she didn't want to wait for me, I know that it sounds like she doesn't love me because she didn't believe in me, but who could blame her, I was a no good for a while and when I came here to change I kept writing her and whining like a loser. So when any reasonable guy comes along, (who happens to be the kind of guy with lots of girlfriends and appears to be an non macho alpha male, who is just her type) of course she has doubts. What was I doing to reassure her that I was growing, nothing at the time, and by the time I was it was too late, she was hung up on the next man. So we both failed to keep the relationship together, she had help though, her girlfriend whose actions often resemble a pimp's, and a lot of bad history with me, now I failed because I forgot that she was in a stressful situation, panicking because she suddenly found herself alone, and also nervous about her final exams, she clung to me at first, but I neglected her, because I was in much deeper trouble than her. If she failed med school she'd just repeat the last year, which was not very hard, and it wouldn't cost her a thing except for the time, because the Hungarian government pays for all citizens to get their first degree for free, even doctorates. If I messed up I'd most likely starve to death or be in poverty inflicted debt for the rest of my life and I'd never be able to return to Hungary. She had a support channel of friends and family, I had an estranged family and some seriously lazy friends that could listen but do very little to entertain. Now I'm diong much better and seeking ways to better my image, and enhance my life. She is just doing the same old thing, she is taking care of her new boyfriend, helping him find a bed, a new apartment, and thinking he is so sweet and he doesn't take her for granted like I did. Gee I guess no other guys are perfect during the first few weeks/months of a relationship, just wait a while... but in a way he is using her, she loves it though, he can't speak the language, and he needs help to survive there, so did I but I had no friends or a job, he has both so why does he need her to help him with this? There doesn't have to be a reason, she doesn't think about it! All she knows is "he treats me better than my ex did"

By the end of this year I'll be able to take care of myself there and I'll go back to learn hungarian so I won't need her help, I don't want to get into a pissing contest with the guy, but she started it with her inane comparisons.

But we'll see what's what when I show her that I've been standing on my own two feet since she left me. I don't need her to take care of me, I won't take her for granted if only she is loyal, I made some serious changes and I know that she will pick me over him as long as I can get back to her and show her all this, but why can't I show her now, because actions speak louder than words, and time will tell if I am truly capable of all I claim, well I don't need to wait, I know it now, and I'm doing it. Why should he have a chance to build his reputation while I'm actually working to change and all she has of me are sad memories and pity for a man that doesn't exist anymore?

Sure she has good memories but obviously not enough to keep her from hopping into bed so soon after I left, and she has downgraded them and lied to herself to paint an even uglier picture of me, just to make it easier for her to find another man, easy right? She doesn't have to feel bad about not wanting to be alone if she makes me out to be worse than I really was. I don't want to wait for her to break up with her new boy toy, I want her to compare now. He's only known her for 2 or 3 months, that doesn't amount to a lot, I've got 2 years with her and even the bad times are enough to make her think twice about leaving me, now I've got 4 months of training that prove I can stay afloat and even start sailing without her help, I could even honestly say that she made things more difficult here than they had to be, it got easy for me right when she left, and I'm lucky because if she left me earlier I might have really messed up and gone back to Hungary, because I would have given up. I know that I can accomplish what I set out to do, who do I get her to see that!? There has to be a faster way. I won't leave her behind, I am going to be happy with or without her, I want to bring her with, if only knew it would be so easy.

I have an idea... Send her the link to this forum... and your posts. If it doesn't show her exactly what you are, then nothing else will. She'd see your struggles. Your heart. Yes, she's see the ugly side of everything, but she would also see exactly what you are feeling.

(Of course, in my own situation, I'm not sure that I'd be able to take my own advice... I'm not sure I want "him" to read what I've posted and see my heart opened to strangers... but, for what its worth... )

On second thought, I don't know if that would be good... I know that you will ultimately decide the right thing to do in your singular case... but, I applied my own advice to my own situation and I know that personally, I wouldn't take it.

Wish I had all the answers for you, hon... but this literary mind can only do so much.

I appreciate the suggestion, but I'm pretty certain that in her state she would see my relying on strangers for support as weakness. And even though it is anonymous I think she would be mortified that I made some of these things pseudo-public. Besides it might take her days to read all of it, she reads a little slow in Hungarian it takes her forever to read in English.

Yeah, I kind of came to that same conclusion for my situation. I wouldn't really want my "him" to read all of our "stuff"... Even though it has been one of the most cathartic, wonderful outlets for my own personal struggles. I've connected with people that have truly helped me, and I've been able to create my own pearls from the words that I have typed to others.

Well, I hope you find that answer for your questions. You deserve it.

I think the best solution is unfortunately, waiting. I think the answer will present itself to me in time, I can't influence her now, because no matter how ready I am, she is still not ready. So I'll just keep being strong and keep waiting, and I'll learn how to suffer less with each day that passes. I think that is the only way to really prove to her and myself that I can keep going without her, if I keep struggling to speed things up I'm only proving that I'm impatient and unsure.

Thanks in advance for not being to critical the next time I write in demanding suggestions for how to get her attention.

Your welcome in advance.

Just remember that you're SO worth happiness... and an Aston Martin... or a Top Gun worthy bike... ;)

I felt like saying this, the increase in her ability to disappoint me does not diminish my love for her, or my belief that she can be a continuous positive influence in my life, just like with your pearls, each time she cuts me I grow a little, and it's funny but even though I get angry it doesn't change the way I feel about her, I still love her and I'm sure that no matter how much I grow, how strong I get, I will still forgive her and I will still have the patience to wait for her to see that.

Every moment she doesn't return my affections I grow stronger and I learn more about myself. And I'm happy because I know that I can keep doing that even after she comes back, because I found what was missing in my life, and it wasn't her, it was that part of me inside that wanted to be a man and it finally came out.

What I continue to believe is that I got ahead of her on the road of life, I was far far behind but now, I find myself waiting for her to catch up. I won't stop but I might slow down a bit to wave her on.




For a while now I've had a strange idea about making a short film about a day in my life, sort of a documentary. I suppose it was inspired by my desire to show her my progress, that idea keeps coming back, I'd like to to it for myself. And of coarse I would love to share it with her. If only I could find a good camera man...

I should do it myself, but I'm not sure how I could pull it off, I've got a video camera, and a decent digital still camera that can take short movies, and it has a very large memory card. I work in a warehouse for UPS and I don't think they would really like me bringing cameras into work. I'd also have to get my film equipment registered so that I could prove that I didn't steal it from some random package.

Maybe if I said it was for some college project I could talk them into letting me film during my shift.

I should really start thinking about this more. But I've got a lot of other things to do, like my homework for example, that due tomorrow, and I've got a math test that I have no idea how I'm going to pass.

*sigh*

Some times life is hard, but it's interesting how all my problems seem like so much fun when I just think that all of them are so silly compared to wanting the one you love to share in your overcoming them.

Hey homesick! How you doing lately? Still moving onward and upward?

I'm hangin in here, I had a pretty bad day yesterday, I finally have something else to really worry about, I did pretty bad on my college math test, I got to buckle down and study this week, and keep studying for the rest of the semester, I won't let myself mess up just because I can't stop thinking about her. My college counselor said something to me a few weeks ago that I thought was pretty brilliant, "you cannot be destroyed by just one person" while it's tempting to think that in a way I can be and in another way the person I used to be was destroyed by her, I believe that it's true and I won't let her destroy me.

I told my mom about this and she made another good observation, it's not just one person's actions that are tearing me apart, it's two, she played her part and I'm just finishing what she started if I keep torturing myself. And I'm the only person that can stop that.

It's a rough beginning but I hope I am seeing the light now, and if I keep my head on straight I'll see that light at the end of the tunnel.

it's not just one person's actions that are tearing me apart, it's two, she played her part and I'm just finishing what she started if I keep torturing myself. And I'm the only person that can stop that.

You have a very wise mom, make her proud. (she is already, no doubt)

Every time I think that I've gotten through this, I try to live my life, but I can't.

I keep going back to her in my mind, and my plan seems destined to failure, I won't change the way I feel about her, and I won't change the way I feel about suicide, I will always be too afraid to end my life, I'm almost certain that it would make my suffering worse.

I live in fear every second that I can't do what I want to do, or that I can't do it fast enough. I want to believe that she will fall in love with me again, but I can never know that for sure, no matter how much I say it.

I don't need her in order to live, but I don't have a reason to live without her. I honestly believe that I love myself and that I am good enough for her, so I must be good enough to live and be happy right? I can't see how I can do it. No matter what I try I'm defeated by my disappointment in people, and my desperation to get back to the only one who I never wanted to quit trying with. I never gave up hope even when she told me she didn't love me. When we started sleeping separately. When I left, when she told me she wasn't mine anymore, when she told me she preferred the company of others, when she told me there was no going back, I never stopped loving her, and know I never will, I wish for death or a miracle, both are welcome because I'm tired of pretending to live without her.

I can't bear the pain of her doing all the things that she wanted to do with me with somebody else. I wanted those things, I still want to do those things, I wasn't strong enough to take what I wanted, I only settled for the pittance that I knew. Now I know so many of the secrets of happiness, but I'm not skilled, she has the power to attain these simple things in life, I can only perform as long as I don't think of her or as long as she is near me.

My existence has become dependent solely on what I can do to align myself with her again, and what information I can acquire about her. I'm obsessed, I've become a stalker, and she'll never love me the way I am now, no matter how much better I am, I'm still a parasite, I have my own fuel, but I'm not growing, I'm sucking my own life out by trying to get back into hers.

All I want is a psychotic plan to trick her into calling me, or thinking about me. I need to pull her strings. All the words that I ever said that made her fall in love with me in the first place are useless now, and there are no more words that could make her remember the old love or discover the new one that is waiting. I need to shock her into seeing how we fit together.

I'm perfectly aware that she doesn't think that she is lacking me, but when she sees me she will know that we are complete when we are together, and no matter how many movies, concerts, plays and parties she goes to with him, she will never feel the way she did when she went with me. And she needs to be reminded that I am going to be the best.

It can't be up to her to call me, because she doesn't have the courage to go back for love, all she has is her friendly nature, and her collection of old boyfriends, they all want her back in one way or another, but she wasn't lying when she told me I was different from all of them.

I keep telling myself the lies, that's why I don't get angry at her. But she doesn't call. She makes more plans with him, she doesn't look back to me, she doesn't even write to me about my things, I don't care what the reason that she doesn't call me is. I only care that she doesn't have a clear sight of me, she doesn't know how hurt I am, or how weak I am, or how strong I would be if she came back. I'm so good at pretending to be what she needs when she isn't here that I must be able to do it 1000 times better when she is with me.

I'd rather live a lie, loving her for all her horrible beauty than go on.

If she is not as wonderful as I believe she is than I don't believe a person exists that could be what I imagined she was. I'm better off fooling myself with her than wasting my life searching for somebody that doesn't exist.

Puh-lease, your prose is great, your logic is FLAWED. Your feelings are real, but your actions are UNREALISTIC. Your coping skills are NON-EXISTANT right now. In simple terms you are STUCK, and that is not HEALTHY. Get some help.

Only I can make myself stop wanting her. I just don't see how anybody can help me do that.

What happened to everybody being so sure she would call me after a while of no contact. All the reasons are still there, the new boyfriend is the only real reason she isn't calling.

I'm not interested in getting myself help unless somebody wants to help me figure out what I'm going to say to her when she calls me.

If she acts like she just wants to return my things I can't act the same way as if she calls just to do reconnaissance because she wants to change boyfriends again. Ha, I know that's not going to happen why would she change back to the sick boy that's across the ocean. She'll change to somebody new and keep breaking hearts, but what about my stuff?

How do I Get her to talk to me without sacrificing the only advantage I have. I need to tilt the playing field, for all I know she could think that I'm even more miserable than I really am, but if I call her she'll know I'm still missing her, if I don't there is a chance that she will think I don't miss her enough to call her. If I can make her see that I'm doing as well as I am, or maybe even a little bit better than I actually am, then I have a chance.

The way things are now, she will never consider getting back together with me, I need the kind of help that can change that.

Somebody tell me how to get her to consider visiting her aunt in California, somebody tell me how to make her curious about me enough to check out my social network web pages and see how much better looking I am now, and of coarse also see some strategically placed photos of me at parties, with another girl/s, doing awesome things, being happy without her, etc.

I never changed my goal from getting her back. I never actually decided that I wanted to be happy without her, I realized that I could be, but so far I have only been able to do it for a short amount of time.

So my plan remains, "Be the best I can be right now, without her. Live for myself. When the time is right charm her into falling in love with me again."

I know that I should just skip step three, and that I shouldn't even think about it until I can do the first two steps, and some people will tell me to forget about step three altogether. But I'm just not capable of that right now, and I am a stubborn person, if I am ever capable of changing that I may still decide not to.

She still wasn't sure that she wanted him over me before, I still had opportunities to show her I was changing as long as she agreed to keep talking. I deprived myself of any opportunity to call her without appearing weak when I said goodbye. Now that her brother has told me that her Internship in Hungary has not materialized, I know that she is seeking work, and I'm fairly certain that she is not looking very hard, because she would rather spend her time at leisure with her new boyfriend. If somebody could appeal to her to explore her options again, there is a small chance that she will think about coming to America, because a new doctor with no student loans can make a lot of money in the States and that would rule out her reservations about taking advantage of her parents financial assistance. If she started thinking about working in America, then I would have a golden opportunity to prove myself.

I believe you are investing too much time and dignity in attempting to prove yourself to this girl friend. I believe your are taking the 'simple' and making it 'complex'. You need to give the rest of the world an opportunity to be involved in your life; there are lots of people to know and over half of them are female. Personally, and this is just my opinion, I don't think it is proper to have a goal of getting someone back. It is like driving your car backwards in a freeway using your rear view mirrors.
You said: "So my plan remains, "Be the best I can be right now, without her. Live for myself. When the time is right charm her into falling in love with me again."
You need to delete, "... charm her into falling in love with me... " That ain't the way it works, IMOP.

I think about a week ago I thought like you and had exactly the same outlook on life. However, I came to realize that obsesing about something that is way out of your hands will only get you to have a mental breakdown. I'm only a month into my breakup and around 25days of no contact.

I too want my ex back even though she is with someone else, but I'm not going to do anything about it because she left me. She choose to end it not me. If I did anything at all to have her come back to me it wouldn't be true love. She would leave again after a while and I'm back to square one.

Think about it bud; you are going through what a lot of us went through at one point in time. You have to want it to get better and actually mean it. It seems that everything you're doing you're doing it for the wrong reasons. Nc isn't to bring your ex back as you and I and many others would like to believe. Nc is for you and you only. Its so you can heal and if its meant to be once you are all better maybe just maybe she would want you back.

To tell you the truth no matter how much I love my ex I don't want to be the backup plan to her. She gets to go out and explore while I wait? That! This is my life and I am worth something... You need to tell yourself that too.

I'm not healed by no means but I'm also not in that bad position like I was 2 and 3 weeks ago. Life goes on and you have to see all this as an experience and a reason to live and survive it. That's the only way you'll get better bud. You need to snap out of it and live! No girl will want you in the condition you are at.

Good luck to you

R

I understand all of this, I know that it's true. I want to believe that I'm good enough to be happy but I don't want to believe that there are other women out there. I have looked for years, and she was the only one I found that was worth anything. I know I'm still young, but I fell for lots of girls only to find out they weren't any good. She was the first and only that I could actually have a conversation with for more than a few weeks, and after 2 years we could still talk and laugh, and if only I hadn't been so messed up we could have been going out and making love and doing all the things that we wanted in life.

All the other girls that I fell in 'love' with I found out all to quickly that they weren't really what I was looking for. I found somebody to replace them very quickly. Even though I didn't have the confidence to actually replace them with somebody that wanted me, I just picked a new girl to idolize and put on a pedestal, so far I haven't found anybody that is in the same universe as her, so how can I replace somebody that I actually love? I could replace plenty of girls that I was just obsessed with, or that I liked a lot, or that I just wanted to have sex with.

I can't replace her with anything, not even anything inside of myself.

Every flaw that I find in her to try to make it easier to let her go doesn't help, it just makes me think about how I could help her overcome her weaknesses, I have an unconditional capacity to forgive her, whether I fully comprehend how she has sinned against me.

Even when I do reach a full understanding of how she has wronged me, I still hold onto my love and I accept that she is not perfect, I remember that when we talked about love we agreed that it's not about perfection, it's about improvement.

I can't fix mistakes I made in the past, and I can't make her love me by referring to the past either. I am trying to accept that she will never love me again no matter what I do, but my mind and heart rebel at the thought. Because I know that when she is with me, I become what she desires, it's not a conscious decision on my part to cater to her, it's what naturally happens to me, and it feels good. It's not about being wanted by her, it's about liking what I am when I feel that way, and it's about loving who she is when I affect her.

I can honestly say that I don't love who she is now, she is weak and unfaithful, she is not true to herself, she is even a little bit vengeful, but I know that if she gave me a chance, I would make her a better person, and we would both be happier about who she is. I know that she loves the man that she saw inside of me, she can't get rid of that love, it will never go away, and it will never get weaker, but she stopped believing in that person, that is why she settled for someone that was nearby. I tried to tell her before that the man inside of me was coming soon, but she didn't believe me, now I took away any hope she might have had, because I told her that he was going away. That man won't come unless she wants him to, I want to be that man, but it's not enough if only I want it, what can I do with that person, that man is not meant to be alone.

In order to be who I want to be, I need her. Hoping and waiting might make me something better than I am now, and letting go might make me something better than I am now, but nothing will make me as good as her desire for me to be something better. I won't be convinced otherwise.

I was hopeful last week because I had a potential date in the works and a social event to attend, I've lapsed into despair because the social event was a let down, the people in attendance were a mostly disappointing. I must be a snob because people constantly irritate me, I never seem to think that they are good enough to enjoy my company. Sure they like me and if I'm in a reasonable mood I can spin a tale and keep their attention for a while but it always boils down to them trying to top it in the end.

When I tell a story I'm not trying to suggest that any story the listener could tell is not as interesting, but that seems to be what most people are thinking when they try to share theirs.

I was looking forward to having a good time, and I did for a while but it just broke down until finally I didn't want to be around half of the people there anymore because they were boring and shallow. The rest went to another event that I was interested in but I didn't have the means to go along with them. I got so depressed that I gave up any other opportunities for new experiences that night.

The girl is another story, I'm still holding out for next week, but our schedules conflict, she works during the day I finish work right when she starts around 9am. Plus I have classes during the day so I must go to sleep very early in the evening. It's difficult to arrange a meeting when I go to bed right around the time that she would most likely like to do something. This weekend it isn't possible to meet up because she has gone on a trip.

So I still have my miserable life in tact, I maintain optimism, but I am continually let down.
At least when I was a pessimist I was pleasantly surprised once in a while.
I keep trying to occupy myself with my responsibilities and pleasant diversion, but I persist in using my loneliness to halfheartedly perform my tasks and to mope around when I should be having fun.

I don't have any accomplishments yet. Only opportunities that continue to fall through. I had a rough day last week because I failed a math test, small wonder because aside from my hectic life with little to no time to study, I continue to burden my mind with my ex and thus prevent myself from focusing at all.

Of coarse I could bottle up my emotions and stop posting here 10 times a day...
Maybe I'd have a little more time to study then. I can be a pretty useless person sometimes.

Oh well it's all up to me, nobody's going to give me the magic ticket out of here.

I keep trying to distract myself from her. My life is complicated enough without her popping in to my head every 5 seconds.

Is there a secret to getting her out?

I used to hate Mondays, but now I believe that Saturday is the worst day of my week. All this time, and I don't have the power or the choices to use it in a healthy way.
Today has been so insane, it hasn't felt this intense in so many days, I can't believe how I can go from pure denial one minute to acceptance the next and then twisting through all the anger and depression in greater intensity than I have felt since the beginning. All of this in the coarse of one or two hours. I am doing everything I can in order to cope. I'm trying to focus on my studies, or finding a counselor, or solving some of the other problems in my life, for example I can't log onto my college class, and I'm frustrated because I can't call tech support for it on the weekend. There are a lot of things that I don't have time to do all week but I can't do them on weekends because of regular business hours. I see my house of cards collapsing as soon as something like this happens because it's is so weak already that as soon as a little problem appears, it all seems hopeless, and I feel a stronger urge to call her than I ever have before.

So I reach out to my support channels, and all I get is four rings and a voice mail box from each one. I post here and it just gets me worked up. Math homework seems like a suitable distraction, but how long until the demon crawls back into my brain? Honestly, as riveting and exciting as algebra is, who doesn't think that a complex relationship problem is a more interesting problem to try to solve?

Once again I know what I'm supposed to do but I can't imagine how I will be able to keep this up. It drains me daily, I go a couple days without crying and then I fog up my car windows with my hoarse shouting and weeping. I still haven't slept for an entire night, I think four hours is the most I've been able to keep my eyes closed, I sweat so much that my sheets aren't damp, they are actually wet when I wake up. My eating habits aren't anorexic anymore, I eat like I'm trying to fill a void, and I hurt from eating too much and then having nothing for long periods.

No matter who I talk to I always come up with the same answers from myself. My circular logic draws me back down this painful path, and I refuse to change the way I think. I take a detour here and there, but I always drift back to the center of my frustration.

And the little voice says 'Call her. She will make everything all right.'
I rage at the thought, 'I know better, she'll think I'm a weakling, I can't let her see me this way.'
'But you can explain everything to her, she'll understand... ' the little voice persists.
'It doesn't matter what I say, it seems far to likely that she will only hear my pleading voice, trembling under all my strong assertions. I don't know for certain what she thinks of me our how she would react to my call out of desperation, (no matter how justified), but it isn't worth the risk'

It goes on and on, I've gone too far down the road of no contact to turn back now. I even doubt that statement. What if my being to proud to call her is keeping her distant? That could be all the more reason for her to invest her time in the other man instead of trying to keep her hold on me. I over analyze, I tie myself in knots with the frantic calculating.

Oh well it's all up to me, nobody's gonna give me the magic ticket outta here.

Darlin,

You hold the golden ticket inside yourself. Inside your own head and heart. No one (not even this girl) can be that golden ticket for you.

I'm so sorry that you're still wrestling with the roller coaster emotions... but I completely understand.

Do you really think that this girl is the angel that you make her out to be? I mean, you've said all of her faults and mistakes, but all I'm getting is the "essence of her divinity" that causes you to beat yourself up in constant over-analyzing and calculating.

I hate to appear harsh (because I've been involved with one of those "divine creatures" and know EXACTLY how hard it is to believe their humanity), but once you realize that she is not divinity-in-a-nifty-package, worthy of your worship, you will be cured from all of this heartache.

No, let me rephrase that. Heartache is not cured. It is mended. Your heart will still be broken, but the heartache that you are putting yourself through will begin to heal... and that pearl will begin to emerge.

It's a brand new week. Go find your Wonka bar and grab hold of your Golden Ticket.

Cause remember... "Only YOU can prevent forest fires."

(Ok, probably WAAAAY too many cultural references for one comment, but oh well... I was never one for holding back! ;) ) Keep your chin up, homesick.

I know that I sound like a wishywashy person. I am going through cycles of emotional ups and downs. But with accepting the notion that I may never get her back, I also have to face the reality of my situation here. I wanted to paint a beautiful picture of how wonderful my life is going, and no doubt I have made progress but it's no walk in the park just yet, I have problems just like everyone else, and I choose to face them with the added burden of unrequited love. Yes that makes my life harder, yes I know most people think that it's stubborn or foolish or pitiable, some don't think it's such a crime but most of them tell me it will pass, and I'll find the strength to let go a day at a time. But a few of the crazies tell me that I just might love her enough to get her back, but love is not enough. They also say, that she'd be crazy not to want me back someday. I tend to agree because not only do I have enduring love for her, but I have drive, ambition, intelligence, and patience. And above all I have a plan. But plans are made to be changed, or improved upon.





In as simple a way as I can put it, the more she knows about me, the more likely she will want to know more, and she will desire me again.

Right now I don't know what her interest level is, but judging from my track record it's pretty low, and even if isn't dropping, her new boyfriend is not helping the situation.

My first plan of action is being carried out, build myself up. Can't do much more to make that go any faster, I'm working, I'm studying, I'm doing the best I can, and I'm pretty darn proud of how that's coming along, I wish it would go a lot faster, but I'm just a man not a miracle worker.

My next intention is to piqué her interest again, now as we all know, any attempt on my part will only appear to be an act of desperation. Even if I try to play it down it is doomed to failure because I am absolutely not ready to enter the friend zone with her.

So along with my genuine desire for self improvement I intend to make calculated records of all the positive things in my life and publicize them. I'll continue to do this until such time that I have determined how to maneuver this evidence of my recovery, and succession to her unsuspecting eyes. Once that happens she doesn't have to worry about getting my hopes up again for a new start with her, she'll see that I'm doing just fine without hanging on to her apron. Her curiosity will get the best of her, and she'll come up with some mundane reason to call me.
I have no doubts that if she sees my unleashed potential at work all sorts of flaws will magically appear in her new romantic interest and I will start to look like one very sorely missed opportunity.
Then she will have her opportunity to prove herself. I'll go easy on her, because as you all know I love her, and that is not bound to change soon. But I won't make it too easy for her, once she knows my true value I want her to show me that she is willing to make sacrifices for me. Not like she did before, when I was sick she could tell herself she stayed with me out of pity or because it was not convenient find a new man when I was living in her home. Now she will have no way to hide the fact that she will return to me out of pure desire, not convenience.

Well, as I said a few posts back, You have a unique, literary kind of love. And, I commend you for it. It's a beautiful thing to behold. Unconditional love...

I truly hope that your happy ending is exactly what you wish it to be... but, in an attempt to fashion that beautiful happy ending, don't forget about making the journey beautiful as well...

I can honestly say that my plan is kind of sick.

I am trying very hard to enjoy my time alone, and appreciate the man I've become, I want to reward myself for being so strong, and patient, but instead I drive myself into fits of horrifying doubt and frustration because my unconditional love is not returned, and I am acutely aware that the woman I love is giving herself to another man. I have no way of knowing how often or if she is building a relationship with him, and I am aware that to some extent she is disrespecting me, I also know that I've made many excuses for her, but I believe that the past is relevant. I did tell her she could be with other people, with the full knowledge that she did not believe she was in love with me anymore. It doesn't matter if it was her that originally brought up the idea of me being with other women, I did not have to accept it, it may have been tempting, but I know now that I never wanted it, I may have believed when I was still deep in my addiction, but now I see that I didn't want anything of the kind, I don't want sex, I want love.

Another excuse I made for her is all my failings in the past, but I've been over them and I can accept that it is too much to ask somebody to be alone when they've stopped believing you can change. I forgive her for losing faith in me, I didn't give her anything to go on until it was too late. But there will always be another chance, most people believe that 2nd chances are rare, but I believe that we make our own opportunities.

I can't blame her for anything now because we've both said our goodbyes, and she just might think that I'm not coming back. In a way I'm not, a better version of me is coming.

I made her forget the way she felt about every man she had ever been with, I can do it again, even if one of those men is me.

I still have hope.

I think that my dad may have even thought up a crazy plan to help me get her back too. Which really surprises me because he seemed totally against it, and was encouraging me to call her just to let her know two things, 'I'm OK, and I still care."
I explained to him the logic of the Ask Me Help Desk philosophy and how that would hinder more than help, and he came around partially, but he insisted that I can't be sure of how she will react to anything, he's right about that.

So it's up to her now if she wants to call me. It's up to her boyfriend to see how long he can keep her distracted. And it's up to me to see if I can keep my life together and maintain the appearance of a well rounded guy until she calls or until I can let her go.

Here, homesick, is some additional reading for you. Maybe it covers some issues from a different perspective: How to Get Over Your First Love (http://www.wikihow.com/Get-Over-Your-First-Love)

I appreciate that.

I was mostly aware of everything this article said, I can tally up the things I'm doing right and the things I'm doing wrong, but it helps to put things in perspective.

I am doing things that are only for me. That's good, but even if I do them for me I know that they are things that she would have appreciated in the past, and probably will be impressed by in the future, that may be bad, but it feels good anyway.

I have taken her off the pedestal. That's good, but I never expressed this too her, I should let that go, but I'm not able to yet. I forgave her before I thought about it long enough to understand what she did. That's bad.

I cry, oh man I have cried a lot. Every other trip I take in the car I scream and yell until I can't anymore, I don't know if that's good or bad.

I listen to lots of music, love songs, sad songs, happy songs, and some rockin songs just because.

I buckle down and take care of business. I should work on that a bit more though...


I'm cutting myself off from the extended forms of contact with her.




But even though I'm doing all these right and wrong things, one fact remains that is not solely my decision.

What was between us is not complete. We have business to take care of, like my possessions, and such. But the bigger issue to me is that the relationship did not run it's course, we hit a detour and had to split up, by all accounts that does not mean that we can never be together again. She said she didn't want to get back together but I said, 'we'll never get back together.

Things always change, and I hope that in this case time is my friend.
A year can change a whole lot of things. I choose to continue believing that I will win in the end, and that will make her the real winner.

I'm debating with myself for what issue I want to address, I can try to stop being jealous and let her go until I'm prepared to fight with everything I've got. Or I can try to pull strings until I get her back on my frequency. In my opinion both of these solutions will be difficult in undertaking but they are in essence the same, the only difference is timing.

I'm a girl who was you... got married to my first love who dumped me many times for no particular reason while we were dating over 5 years. I always begged and begged until he took me back every time. We divorced and I still begged. I tried to move on, and dated other people, but whenever he wanted me, I made myself available to him. I always did anything he wanted and all the time he was with someone else behind my back. The last straw for me was when he came to my house and we "made love" and afterwords he told me he was on his way "out" on a date. I realized then that he was only using my care and passion for him to get what he wanted and that how "I felt" meant absolutely nothing to him... I made up my mind that very day that I would never never ever give myself to him again - not my body, not my mind, not one wasted moment thinking about him and me together again, and I haven't. It was actually a much easier decision to make than I thought it would be. I spent 10 years trying to make him love me... those were the wasted years in my life. Now I have spent the last seven years learning how to love myself and they have been the best seven years of my life. Unexpectedly, I found someone who loves and appreciates me just the way I am, and I have never in my life felt more love - I definitely never thought I would ever love anyone as much as I did my ex, but this is a million times more intense and beautiful than it ever was with him. I still have to see my ex weekly because we have a daughter together and live in the same town, but I don't feel anything for him but pity. Just an FYI... he has never apologized to me or said that he felt like he made a mistake in letting me go. As much as I had always wanted to hear that from him, I have come to the realization that he will probably never say that. And I'm OK with that now. I don't want him back and I don't him to validate for me anymore. I know I am better off without him... You will be too... I just hope that it doesn't take you 10 years to move on like it did me.. . my advice... don't be actively searching for a replacement Miss Homesick... that will come when you least expect it... you should join a gym, take a karate class, cooking class, guitar lessons, join a pool league or dart team... anything that you enjoy or haven't tried before that will give you something to look forward to going to each week where you can meet people who enjoy the same types of things you enjoy... I met my new guy playing on a pool league... I had been playing for 3 years before I met him, but we hit it off right away and have been together ever since... got married 5 years ago and we just HAD to have a pool table at the reception... yes I played pool in my wedding dress... it was unforgettable. :) Best of luck to you homesick!

tnt76 writes: "Just an FYI...he has never apologized to me or said that he felt like he made a mistake in letting me go. As much as I had always wanted to hear that from him, I have come to the realization that he will probably never say that." What a sad prospect, but maybe if you cross paths in the old folks home, it will occur to him.

I hope I don't sound like I am not really paying credit to your advice, I am. I know that I sound like so many other people here that persist in believing that their situation is unique, and that the one they love is different, but I have so many valid reasons to believe that she is different. She wasn't 100% honest with me I admit that, but fear makes us do crazy things for the people we love, I wasn't honest with her in the past, because I was afraid she would reject me, but I was proven wrong, she didn't leave me when I finally told her the truth about my past. Because she had a vision of our future. A future where I would overcome my past and be a better man.

I'm honoring the faith that she had in me for that year, maybe I won't after a year has passed but I'm holding on until then just the same.

I don't want somebody that loves me just the way I am, I want somebody that cherishes every step I take towards being better. She is that person, she loved me more every time I did something that made me a better person in my own eyes. While we we're together every single thing that I did for myself made her more proud to be my woman, sometimes I changed for her, but 99% of the time, any improvement I made to myself came from my own heart and it made her swoon with affection for every way that I grew more confidant and happier with myself.

That is love.

We failed each other, but love is what makes people try again. I believe that she is worth another chance, because I never would have found out how wonderful a person I could be if she didn't see it first. She stuck with me a for a long time, even when she started to doubt that I could grow. I don't care what the reason she stayed with me was, I don't care if it was because she was afraid to be alone, or if she pitied me, I still think she deserves a chance to see what I've become and decide if she was right about me before. I love her now because I think she saw better than anyone else in the world how good I can be, and she reminded me that all I had to do was keep trying to be that person.

I am happy with who I am, but that won't last forever, I want to be better, and I don't want to settle for somebody that thinks I can't be better. I want to grow with somebody and sometimes growing hurts, but we're better for it in the end.

"If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. And if they don't, they never were."
-- Kahlil Gibran --

There is nothing wrong with believing yours is a love that will conquer all in the end. There ought to be more people like you.

tnt76 writes: "Just an FYI...he has never apologized to me or said that he felt like he made a mistake in letting me go. As much as I had always wanted to hear that from him, I have come to the realization that he will probably never say that." What a sad prospect, but maybe if you cross paths in the old folks home, it will occur to him.

It is sad for him (my ex) I think. For me, it is a triumph realizing that I don't need his "stamp of validation" to know that I am a beautiful person, and to know that I did everything I could have done to keep our relationship together. I'm just saying that if Mr. Homesick is waiting for Miss Homesick to come to the sudden realization that she was totally in the wrong and that she is buying a plane ticket to AZ, that she has made the hugest mistake of her life, well... he shouldn't hold his breath.
I wish I had a friend at that point in my life that was honest enough with me to tell me the same thing. Sorry homesick, if I say anything that hurts your feelings, I can see that you are a very sensitive person, I truly just want you to know that the end of a relationship never means the end of anything... sometimes it is just the beginning of something truly wonderful.

I agree with you, I never would have had the discipline to unleash my potential if I didn't have this fire lit underneath me. And I'm not waiting for her to magically realize what a mistake she made, because she doesn't have all the facts, I believe our moment will come when my work is laid out before her, If that is still not enough for her, I hope by that time I am strong enough to move on.

I have faith in you. I think you will be just fine, no matter what the outcome is. I think you would benefit from talking to a therapist or maybe a pastor or something. I did, and she really helped me to see that I needed to put my feelings first, that I needed to acknowledge them and understand them. It wasn't all advice giving or opinionated. I was surprised that she never once told me what to do or think. She just listened and asked questions that made me think about my situation. It really helped me put some perspective into my life that I didn't have before. I would go talk to her in a heartbeat if I ever had any trouble again. Most initial consults are free, so go talk to a few different ones and choose one who you feel comfortable talking to.

I feel like I'm learning what anger is,

I know that I passed denial a long time ago, I have tried to go through the steps of grief and I got them all mixed together, and I've tried like hell to avoid anger. Every few days it seems like I validate my reasons to be angry at her. Today I was raging because of things that I forgave her for already, they just seem to cut deeper all of a sudden. I was angry because she continued frivolous contact with me immediately after she told me she had been with other men, and she continued to agree to talk to me after she told me that she didn't want to be with me. Why did she do that, I know she can do better than that, I cannot believe that she just wanted to make sure I wouldn't kill myself. And now she is still not calling, but that's a mute point, what the hell do we have to talk about? I don't have the money to ship my things here, and anyway I don't want them back in America I plan on leaving here as soon as possible. And why would she go out of her way to ask me what she should do with my possessions, she has a guarantee that I will contact her again as long as she has all my things. The same should go for me, but it seems likely that the only reason she would contact me about that would be to tell me she needs to make room for someone else's things. That's a call I am dreading.

So I'm angry that she was still talking to me, and I'm angry that she's not talking to me anymore. HA HA

Is it really her that's confused or me...

So my point was this, I don't want to be angry at her. I know perfectly well that I have very good reasons to be angry at her, and I can make her appear in my mind as a thoughtless selfish, weak little mind-game-player. I even try not to make excuses for her anymore, but the fact remains that no matter how angry I get, no matter how badly she hurt me, I still love her and forgive her. I guess that I have to distance myself from her more because currently, my life does not have room for her. Studying and working are taking their toll on me, and I marvel over the fact that I haven't collapsed from the strain yet. So I am burying the extra weight that she has put on me, she'll have to wait, and if she calls now I just might have to tell her goodbye for real, because I can't take care of her now, I have my hands full.

Here is the ludicrous part, I finally set up a date this weekend with the girl I mentioned in earlier posts, she seems quite nice, if we hit it off I don't know what's going to happen though. Welcome to real life I guess.

I must admit that more than a small part of my motivation for meeting someone new is the notion that I might still be able to make a spark of jealousy from my ex. I have no idea how I could possibly accomplish that because we are not communicating anymore, and she has severed all of our ties with the exception of my possessions. But still, I'm ashamed that I partially intend to use a person for my own ends.

I also know that that is not my only motivation for seeking out this girl. I'm a sensitive person and I have a great deal of difficulty becoming intimate or even slightly personal with people unless I like them very much. There are exceptions of coarse, I constantly tell uncomfortably personal details of my life and relationship to people that I work with, I don't really know why, I think its because I don't concern myself with what they think because the majority of them will never leave their current position as manual laborers, while I will go on to an entirely different life once I finish college. I don't look down on people who choose to exist primarily as servants, I just think that I'm different from them because I want something more from my life than what they are satisfied with.

I do think that ambition is an admirable trait though, and it's one that I find many people lacking.

Well I hope that my true colors don't make anybody too angry at me, I'm just trying to get a feeling for how I really feel about my life. And I think I'm entitled to my opinion because I worked for every advantage that I have, I served in the army and that was not easy for me, and now I'm doing everything I can to make sure I don't have to break my back every day for the rest of my life just to scratch a few dollars together. I'm proud that I'm have the ambition to work hard for what I want and not to settle for what is easy. I am making a conscious effort to really see where I stand now that I don't base everything off her. My world can't revolve around her right? Of coarse she still has a great deal of lasting influence on me, and I am holding on to that influence with the stubbornness of a donkey, but I need to take a peak at my world without her in it once in a while right?

Darlin, your world "without her in it" is an unwritten book.

It's that "novel with the end ripped out" (Rascal Flatts song Stand).

It's that unknown tomorrow, just waiting to be lived.

It doesn't revolve around a person, but around a possibility.

It is covered in a glow of uncertainty, imagination, and opportunity.

Dive into it...

Can't wait to hear about your weekend plans! :)

May I revise and extend? homesick writes: "steps of grief" I believe it is stages, not steps. The process may involve months, not days. The main thing is, get your compass out, learn to read it, and get feeling better. That oyster metaphor by historianchick is apt. In my opinion, dating is not, sorry, unless you let her know what kind of situation you are in; I'm certain she will assist if she knows. But there are too many raw emotions just now, I am certain. Onward and Upward.

I'm well aware that it is far to soon for me to consider getting into a relationship, I'm just taking this girl out for lunch.

I foresee a few likely outcomes;

We become friends and I tell her of my situation, this could result in her offering her aid, (or if she isn't the sneaky type) her opinion.

We are attracted to one another, in which case I will not be able to become intimate with her until I explain to her my situation, I just couldn't get close to somebody without being honest.

She sees right away that I am fragile, or clinging onto my ex, or simply not her kind of man and we part ways.

My judgment from the extremely small amount that I know about her is that she is compassionate and empathetic and likely to sympathize with my situation. At the very least I will be out of the house for a few hours on Saturday, and I hope to have a good time,

You're right, honesty and being up front with her about your situation is the best thing.

I'm proud of you, homesick! You're putting yourself out there... rather than watching Home Alone, you're living the "I'm not afraid anymore!"

You da bomb, babe. Can't wait to hear about your Saturday! Be yourself and you'll both have a great time. :)

That oyster metaphor by historianchick is apt.

Onward and Upward.

Aww... you remembered my oyster metaphor! Thanks, G!

Homesick - don't you forget it... you're creating that pearl as you continue to heal and take steps to recovery. :) It's going to be a Tahitian pearl when you're done! (Tahitian pearls are the Godiva of pearls... )

:) G - Can't make a pearl without an oyster... so, actually, it is an oyster metaphor AND a pearl metaphor!

I'm still looking forward to my outing this weekend, it's exciting but it's not in the forefront of my mind.

I'm still trying to get some perspective on my life. Now that a lot of the smoke has cleared I realize that her leaving me was not the only problem in my life. It was convenient for me to blame my unhappiness on that, surely that is the worse thing that has happened to me lately, but, I'm calm enough once in a while to look at my life objectively.

What I see when I look at my life is this. I have overcome a lot, but I have many trials ahead, and I'm in new territory.

The biggest change of all, is that I am truly on my own now. I have emotional support, but nobody is going to take care of me, and nobody but my shrink is dedicated to listening to my problems. (well, I have to find a shrink first).

I am confronted with a situation that is more difficult than I ever imagined, I don't have any place to call home except that which I pay for from my own work. I only have what I have earned from my service, and my sweat.

I grew up believing my mother when she told me that I would always be welcome under her roof as long as I was working or studying, that's not true. I'm proud that I managed to get my own place to live.

I'm also proud that I have managed to hold a job, and attend school simultaneously. I never imagined that I would be able to do that, and I'm beginning to realize why I may be the first in my family to finish what I've started at College. I certainly understand why none of them could manage to do it. School alone would be a challenge, now I have to do it while I'm working and on top of that I have this unbearable return to solitude. There was I time when I was with her that I thought I would never be alone again. Now I am alone and it's worse than I remember it.

But I keep trying. The stress gets the better of me sometimes, and I despair, I cry and I look for support. But I haven't missed a class, I force myself to focus, I study, I am always on time to work, I forced myself to start eating again, I am making myself sleep after so many restless nights.

I am taking this mountain that was laid upon me and I'm making bricks out of it.

Of coarse I get scared sometimes, and I want to talk to her. We talked everyday for two years, and I miss that. I'm angry that she isn't alone, she missed me until she found a way to fill the void I left. She told her self a lot of lies to make it easier on herself. Her ignorance is costing me a lot. It would be easier if I could depend on her. But I now accept that not depending on her now is what I needed to do to finish what I started. I am standing on my own two feet, I'm a little bit shaky, but I won't fall down, I'll keep going, no matter how hard it gets. And in time I hope it will get easier.

I believe being alone will get easier, but right now I think that all my other problems are going to keep growing for some time. I don't know how I ever could have thought college was going to be easy. I wish I didn't have to work my way through this, but I'm still grateful that I have the opportunity at all thanks to my military benefits. If it weren't for that I would be doomed to stay here forever, never scratching my way out a credit at a time.

I'm afraid that I won't be able to get my degree this year. I don't know yet if I can. If it's not possible, I may have a breakdown when I discover that I have to work and study at the same time for another year or two.

I am taking this mountain that was laid upon me and I'm making bricks out of it.

And, that, my friend, is one of the bravest things you've said so far.

You're taking the shards of a broken dream and turning the into a mosaic masterpiece.

Glad you're still keeping on keeping on. Don't ever give up! We're all just one little click away! :)

"All is fair is love and war."

I don't really agree with that.

But I'm not above using that philosophy to get what I want.

I'm patient, but I don't have to be. I don't want to wait for her to figure out all the mistakes she made. She may never figure that out for herself.

I want to cheat at the game.

I'd love to call her and tell her all the horrible little things about her that she refuses to see. I want her to see how weak and frightened she is, and to be startled by how strong I am and marvel over the trials that I have overcome. She has absolutely no concept of what it is like to rely on yourself. For her, a failed relationship has no consequences. She has never had to be alone, she is so terrified of being alone that she finds another man the moment she thinks a relationship won't work. For her failure of any kind has no consequences. She pays no rent. Her family will always take care of her. Her government paid for her education, if she didn't graduate last year, she would still complete it this year without paying a single cent for it. She doesn't have to work. She will never be homeless or in need of a job.

I am alone. That is the price I'm paying for wanting to make myself better. If I fail at my endeavors I know there are consequences. If I fail my life will change, and only I can keep that from happening. I needed a job, and a home when she was afraid that she might fail an exam. Whose need was greater? She will never understand that unless she sees it for herself.

I stared my challenges in the face and I grappled until I got them under control. Now I'm riding this dragon around and clinging on for dear life.

What has she done?

She needs to be taught a lesson, I want her to see the way things really are, and that she is the weak one, not me.

I am angry, I am disappointed. But I don't want to punish her out of spite, I want her to see the truth because I love her and I deserve to love somebody that appreciates who I am. When she sees the truth, and truly understands that I have surpassed her, then she will want me back and she will be worthy to be with me.












This feeling makes me want to call her, it's not as strong as the need I felt in the past when I wanted support, but this feeling is almost as tempting. I want to rage at her and frighten her into realizing that if she doesn't grow up I will really leave her. I won't say goodbye through tears next time, I will leave her crying and I will be on my merry way. I still love her too much to actually want that, but I know that it is just a matter of time. If she could only see the horrible danger she is in she would come running to me. Every minute that goes by she is losing me, even I realize now that it is the truth. How do I show that to her?

I am angry, I am disappointed. But I don't want to punish her out of spite, I want her to see the truth because I love her and I deserve to love somebody that appreciates who I am. When she sees the truth, and truly understands that I have surpassed her, then she will want me back and she will be worthy to be with me.

Your mind is playing tricks on you. The first part makes sense as I understand those feelings, but the rest is crap dude, sorry.

Darlin, You're still giving her your power. Right now, she is not worth it.

You at a point so far from where she is right now... you've surpassed her in emotional strength, in knowing who you are, knowing what you want, and where you're going. You're the strong one in this situation.

Don't give her control over your head and heart anymore. You are in control of your own destiny... live in that fact.

You know that you're the best she has ever/will ever/could ever have. Revel in that. Know that. Truly believe it. And wait. If you two are destined to be together, she will realize it.

Your power is your strength. Don't get weak, Darlin. Tap into your own "super-ness."

She's not kryponite, she can't destroy unless you let her.

I know why you're saying that, it still sounds like I'm desperate for her.

I am still desperate, but I still believe that she can be better than what she is now. If I didn't believe that I know that I wouldn't love her anymore.

I was not growing before, that is why she left me. I can't change the past, so it doesn't matter anymore, but she can still change. It won't be to late for her until I choose to stop loving her, she wants to be better, she just doesn't know how.

I believe 100% that I can change her, because she wants to change.

I believe that I am a wonderful person whether she loves me, because I can do anything that I set my mind to and a broken heart isn't going to take that power away from me.

I may change but right now, my mind is still made up, I will give her another chance. I'm tired of waiting for her though, she needs someone to show her this world that is hidden to her. If she still doesn't love me after she sees the truth, then I will force myself to let her go.



Would I have ever realized how strong my love for her is if I didn't lose her?
She needs to see me as I am, and see that I'm going. The pain of loss was not enough for her, because she didn't know what she was losing.

In her mind she hasn't lost me, she still thinks I'm waiting for her. For the moment she may be right, but she doesn't know what she's missing, and she doesn't know that I am leaving her this very minute. Learning not to love somebody is a slow painful process but it happens, and her time is running out. That has never happened to her before, all her other exes still worship her, or if they have moved on she knows that they are not what she wants. I am what she wants. She knew that but she forgot, because I took so long to find my strength.

You are a wonderful person.

Because you are. Not because of who you're with.

Just remember that. :)

I'm going to rage until the sky spits out fire if I have to. I'll do what ever it takes to get her attention, because she needs to see that I have the power now, I need to shock her out of her coma.

I said it to her when she left me, I am a fighter, and I won't quit.

I refuse to wait for her to realize it on her own. I won't wait patiently for destiny to unfold itself.

I don't believe in 'meant to be'. I make my own destiny.

I never believed in fate or in the better nature of people, She loves me but her fear and her ignorance keep her from giving us another chance. No matter what anybody says I have the power to show her the way back to me. I don't have the power to change the way she feels, I can't do anything about that, but I don't need to change her, all I need to do is open her eyes.

I will continue to be patient and channel my rage into my college classes, and my social life, and my job, but as soon as I find a way to show her what she is missing my patience will pay off. I will not rely on her or on destiny to magically show her the way, because life does not work that way, we have to make our lives happen the way we want them to. I will not just lay down and die, and I refuse to surrender my heart. I will find a way to put the truth into her.

All right, I know that what I've been saying is exactly the same thing I told myself right before I started sending her text messages 3 days after she said she wanted to be alone.

I know better now.

I can't communicate with her because she doesn't speak the same language as me when it comes to love.

I have patience, but it's running thin.

I know that there has to be some other way than just this useless waiting. I'm doing everything I'm supposed to do for myself. I can't fill up the minutes of the day with distractions. I am getting my situation under control and still have too much time to think.

I'll even try to be distracted by this other girl, but I have doubts about it working out when I just want somebody to distract me. If experience has told me anything, it's that these things usually don't work when you actively pursue them.

I won't give in to my weakness, I won't call her, but I refuse to leave it up to her, I don't trust her anymore, I can't rely on her poor judgment, and I won't give up just because she doesn't know what is happening. Of coarse she knows I love her, she knows the basics, and she knows all my weaknesses, but she doesn't know my strengths, and she doesn't remember the passion that I can ignite in her. If she just had a little taste it would grow until she can't control herself anymore, and I can't stress enough that I won't quit until I have seen proof that she doesn't love me anymore. That won't happen until she understands all that has happened.

Mystery is not doing me any service.

Is it possible for me to talk to her without getting emotional. I want her to know that I am OK, and that she should be wondering about what I am doing enough to call me.

I will not contact her, but I am so afraid that she will never have the courage to call me. I still believe that she is afraid of hurting me, and I need her to know that I am not that weak anymore.

I don't want to wait until I've got a new girlfriend or a diploma before I get sick of waiting for her to call. I want to piqué her curiosity enough to check in on me.

If some huge change happens to me and I really don't care about her anymore, I still won't call for my things because I can't afford to have them sent overseas. She knows this, but the fact remains that she has a lot of my possessions and she is not the kind of person who would forget about that, she won't take them as her own, and she won't throw them out. Something has to be done about it, I know it is a tiny advantage for me to have these things in her presence as a constant reminder of me, but they do not make her realize that I am no longer waiting by the phone for her to call.

When she believes that there is a chance that I will not be brought to tears by the sound of her voice, she will call.

Another possibility is when the veil is lifted and she no longer thinks that her new romantic interest is the greatest person ever, she will start to reconsider her hasty decision. This could be a matter of months or years. I doubt my convictions will last years. I don't flat out deny the possibility of the "if it's meant to be" scenario anymore though, I realize that letting her go will make my life so much easier.

In any case inaction is killing me, I'm back on top of things in my life again. School is not unmanageable and I can handle it. I just need to come up for air once in a while.

My social life is another story, I'm frustrated by the lack of interesting people in my life, I was intellectually spoiled in Europe and I'm used to having intelligent conversation with people, and that is hard to come by in my current surroundings.

As for the date I was supposed to go on yesterday, I was totally stood up. She didn't even call me. That is, to say the least, slightly aggravating.

Despite the fact that I am in a state of depression I think that I am keeping a very positive attitude, and I'm proud that I am maintaining my life even though I am in a constant state of emotional torment.

So my next intention is to see a psychiatrist or psychologist this week, and since I have been prescribed antidepressants in the past but I have never used them I hope that trying that may make it possible for me to be a happier, healthier, more balanced person.

My goals remain the same, and I am staying constant on my coarse despite my constant urges to try risky shortcuts. I am not changing my direction.

And since it's become part of my routine, I'll just ask again, if anybody has any ideas as to how I can prompt her to call me without direct contact. I must insist that she and I are not finished and I won't accept the possibility that she is completely lost to me until she acknowledges the progress I've made. If she sees that and still denies me then I will do my best to move on, until then my mind is made up.

Is it possible for me to talk to her without getting emotional. I want her to know that I am ok, and that she should be wondering about what I am doing enough to call me.

And since it's become part of my routine, I'll just ask again, if anybody has any ideas as to how I can prompt her to call me without direct contact. I must insist that she and I are not finished and I won't accept the possibility that she is completely lost to me until she acknowledges the progress I've made. If she sees that and still denies me then I will do my best to move on, until then my mind is made up.

Darlin, only you will be able to know if you can talk to her without getting emotional. I wish we could all give you that magic elixer that will make you non-emotional, not effected, and give you that Joe Cool attitude when/if you finally do approach her.

You're going to know if it's the right thing to do to contact her or not. You've done amazingly well so far in not contacting her.

I don't know what's best for you - to continue NC and wait for her to contact you, or the other way around. I almost think that you may need that closure - you said "if she sees that and still denies me then I will do my best to move on, until then my mind is made up." I don't know if you should - I can't know that.

I can only tell you that in my own situations in the past, NC was the way for me to go. NC worked for me. That was closure enough for me. But, it might not be for you.

Bottom line: you're going to have to determine what YOU think is best for you... and then do it. If its NC, you have already exhibited your ability to do that (an ability that I'm real proud to have observed from an e-distance). If its contact her, figure out if she is just too scared to contact you. If its just to wait, then wait. AND, if its move on... Darlin, move on.

I really hope that you're able to figure this out. You deserve happiness.

(About the girl that stood you up? She's the loser. ;) )

Thanks HC,

Your right about that girl, I won't waste my time with her. I need to concentrate on school. I feel pretty good about classes now, I caught up on a lot of work, and I think that I'm going to be OK.

I'm still getting worked up quite often when I think about my ex. I really don't think it's over yet. I guess I could look at it this way, I'm giving her time to figure out how she really feels.

I'm upset that she told me she doesn't want to get back together the day before I said goodbye, I wish I could have acted like I didn't care, and I wish I could have made her believe that I could take her or leave her, and that I was fine. That magic pill would have helped... I prided myself on my honesty, and my honesty is what drove her away in the end.

But I don't think I'm in denial when I say that with a positive attitude my situation is not so terrible, I just have school and work. And on the weekends I catch up on school work and I have time to relax, I just need to find out what helps me relax.

A trap I keep falling into is saying to myself, "This would be fun if she was here with me" or "She would really appreciate this."

But I can't share my world with her anymore, she has cut herself off from it.

I try to imagine what her world is like quite often, and I'm sure that I don't understand it, it is easy for me to say that she has it easier than me, but only part of that is a matter of choice on her part. Her choosing to be with somebody else makes it easier for her, but her family and her place in society have done the rest of the job. It's easy for her because she will never face the prospect of poverty, she will never need a job, she believes that all of the trials I have been through are no big deal because she comes from a different world. A world where it's fun to look for a job, or a new place to live, it's not frightening for her like it was for me because she had her family to take care of her, if I didn't find work, my future would be compromised. If I didn't find a place to live I couldn't live a stable life. She has done many of the things that I had to do these past months, but she has never been faced with consequences if she was unable to do them.

All that is not that important, the important thing is this, I appeared weak to her when I was under the greatest amount of pressure I have ever felt in my life, her love and my future were at stake if I didn't accomplish what I set out to do, of coarse I was scared, and I wanted her to support me. But I succeeded without her support and I am overcoming all obstacles and doing quite well at taking care of myself in a most difficult situation, and despite my depression and difficulties I am maintaining a positive attitude. I have surpassed her in maturity, and she may never realize it because she will most likely never have to face any of the challenges that I have conquered. I don't hold a grudge against her for this I only see myself as better equipped to take care of her now.

I wish that I could show this side of the story to her. Her perception has been so flawed because of her ignorance of what life is like for somebody like me that does not have all the advantages in life that she was lucky enough to have.

I hope that I don't have to wait until I go back to Hungary for her to see the man I've become. I hope one day she realizes what I've gone through without me telling her. I hope one day she sees that I am a beautiful, exciting wonderful person and that I can have fun without her and she is really missing out on an awesome adventure here because she was afraid to believe in me. She has made part of my adventure quite difficult and it would have been better if she didn't run away from me, but my adventure is not over yet. If I can, I will bring her along for the rest of it at some point, but I need to show her the rewards not only the risks. I'm full of hopes and I want share my hopes and my promises with her.

I would like honest opinions from everyone who has read this post,

When/Will she will call me?

Bear in mind the important factors;

1. The pathetic way I acted when I finally said goodbye.
2. My possessions in her home.
3. Her persistence to keep in contact with me until I finally said goodbye.
4. The fact that our relationship was always marvelous when I was improving myself exactly like I am doing now.
5. And most importantly the fact that she is completely clueless about fact number 4.
6. and any other important details I forgot.

I know that nobody can read her mind or see the future, least of all me. I just want to know what everybody thinks.

I don't think anyone knows that really... Nobody knows what she's thinking or what she feels etc. I think you should stop obsessing about that and move on... At first I was wandering about if she'll call me etc... but now I don't think I care as much... I mean yeah I would like to hear from her and all, but what's the point really... There is no chance of us getting back so why obsess about it.

I suggest you do the same... stop thinking about it and just move on... When you stop obsessing about it and constantly thinking if and when she'll call... Who knows, maybe she calls then...

Good Luck

I can't help but think that I don't like something about altering my life to be centered around myself when I found that centering it around her made everything work so well for me these past two years.

Of coarse there were problems about making my life all about her, but when I think carefully about it I always come to the conclusion that the problems arose out of me not doing enough with the intent of improving myself, I was only trying to maintain a status quo by not doing anything until she started to lose interest, than I would become a temporary hive of activity until her affections returned, and then quickly return to my hibernative state.

Now I see that I love myself enough and I have matured enough to make continuous strides to improve my condition and to keep myself in a state of change or activity. I believe that my inability to do this in the past is both what made me unhappy, and caused her to lose interest in me.

All that I am wanting from life now is an opportunity for her to see that. I honestly believe that I figured out the 'magic formula' for our relationship to work, I want to make sure she gets a chance to try it out.

It's not about closure for me it's about me being certain that we could be perfect for each other.

When I say perfect, what I mean is that we have the perfect characteristics of a healthy relationship, we both love each other, we are not identical so we have much to learn from one another, we both help each other but we do not depend on one another, and we both love to help each other grow better than what we are now.

No matter how much I love myself, or move on, she is still somebody that I want to share my life with because I want to free the wonderful person inside of her, and she helped me find the person I've become.

The fact is most people don't really care what is best for them when somebody they love leaves them, they all believe just as I do that the best thing in the world is getting back together with their ex. I'm not saying I'm special.

I've gone through all the arguments with myself as to how I would be so much better off if I stopped thinking about her. I believe some of them, and I believe that a part of my heart may grow cold if I let it, and that would let me carry on like the cool guy that doesn't need pity. That self confidant guy who doesn't have time for a woman that doesn't love him.

Guys like that are almost always jerks, and they treat women like crap. I don't want to try to make her come back to me by acting as if I don't care about her, I understand to a degree why it has an affect on people, of coarse it works better than begging, I don't want to change in that way, I want to love just as strongly as she taught me, I'm not afraid to love, and I don't ever want to be too afraid to love. I want her to see that despite my love I can be happy without her, that will make her want to get back into my life.

Still, knowing that I can be happy without her, and being happy without her are two very different things.

I don't want to deceive, I don't want to forget, I don't want to move on, and I don't want to cling to the past, I have a bright future that would be even brighter with her in it, is it so wrong to want to share my gifts with her? No it's not wrong that I want that, and I can accept that I can't change her and I can't change the world, but I don't have to change her, I just want to show her what she is missing...

What I want is not unhealthy.
Her choices are unhealthy, yes they are her choices, but I am saddened by her fear of loving me, and her fear of taking risks.

I want her to take another chance, and she won't do that unless she sees what I have to offer.

I'm not going to write happy little notes to her with pictures in them like all her other 'pet ex boyfriends'. I'm not going to do that for her, and I hate to see her do that, she sends them pictures and vague little emails about her life, and how things are going and they start jumping up and down and getting excited that she is paying attention to them again, so I know the best thing in the world is for me to ignore her, but how can I let her know I'm ignoring her when she won't pay attention to me? If I were rich I'd send money and tell her to return my things, then I don't think I'd have to wait long for her to call. But I want that stuff to be there when I get back to Hungary anyway. I should just cut her out of my heart and start dating again. That's wrong I shouldn't start dating, I don't want to attach myself to my current surroundings I don't need a girlfriend I need to finish school and get out of this country.

I tell myself to do lots of things but I still won't change my mind. I still just want to get her attention again, and I still want to return to Europe. I want to give her another chance to see what's she's missing, and I want her back in my life. I'm so on top of things now, and the fact that I don't need her just makes me more confidant that I want her. It makes me sure that things would be even better now because I'm healthy enough to get more out of our relationship then I ever did before.

You were wrong. I don't deserve your love, I deserve better.

It's pathetic how you have lied to yourself because you are so afraid of taking risks. You enabled me to keep my addiction when I had so many opportunities to heal at my fingertips. You quit on me right when I needed you the most, when I faced the most difficult situation of my life alone. Because he was more interested in your high school than I was, and he has a movie projector, and he brought you soup while you were sick, and he cooked for you. You fed me that bull while I was here alone working my off to get back to you and to have something more to show for it than a bill for a plane ticket. You cut me down until I was almost nothing. That is the only way you could leave me, you had to pretend that I was the weak one. I made a man out of myself for you, and I'm continuing to work my way up from the absolute bottom. I didn't need somebody else to leave you, I just wanted to make myself a better person. You couldn't let me go until the very end, with your constant comparisons to your new boyfriend; does he make more
Money than me? Does he treat you better than me? Is he more fun at parties? Why didn't you just compare the size of our penises? You're probably not even with him anymore. He was just your convenient little tool for getting rid of me right? And I was just around so that you didn't have to be alone during your last year of med school? Why didn't you pick somebody else? You could have ruined my life. I'm sick of your stupid games. You treat men like they are your toys.

I started this journey so I could take care of you. How did you repay me? You hid the truth from me until you were sure you didn't need me anymore.

You were right, all you did was hurt me in the end, but I'm not suffering for you anymore. You actually believed that I needed you, how blind you are.

I earned everything I have in this world. If you can't appreciate that, then enjoy your silver spoon, and never learn what it is to be poor, and proud.

I'm tired of making excuses for you. You are not who I thought you were. And when I say I'm not waiting for you anymore I mean it this time, you've proven that you don't want to change. I loved who I thought you could be, but you obviously don't want to be that person. I'm too good to be treated the way you treat all your ex boyfriends, I'm better than a pet. I don't need your pity, and you don't have mine, I don't care if you're happy with your choices. I'm sending money to your brother this week. Send my things and don't write to me the next time you break up with somebody, call one of the guys you keep in your pocket I'm sure they'll hop on a plane and keep you company isn't that why you still talk to them?






I'm sure that nobody has ever spoken to her like that in her entire life. If I asked her about it while we were together, she would say that she would never put up with being treated like that. But I'm not so sure, I'm tempted to try this out, it's my last trump card, but I won't use it until I'm actually ready to let her go. It seems unlikely but this just might scare the hell out of her, if I am so sure of myself and so sure that she was a waste of my time she just might panic and try to come crawling back, she would never believe it, and I never would have thought of her that way, but I have a feeling that just the shock would be enough for to act out, of coarse she would send my stuff but she would be thinking about this letter for a very very long time.

I don't know if I will ever be brave enough to send it. Maybe if I sent it back in November it might have worked.
Even if I tone it down I couldn't do it. I don't have the money for posting anything yet so I guess it's kind of a moot point.

I'm not going to write happy little notes to her with pictures in them like all her other 'pet ex boyfriends'. I'm not going to do that for her, and I hate to see her do that, she sends them pictures and vague little emails about her life, and how things are going and they start jumping up and down and getting excited that she is paying attention to them again, so I know the best thing in the world is for me to ignore her, but how can I let her know I'm ignoring her when she won't pay attention to me?

Is she really "all that"?? I mean seriously, sending emails to her ex-boyfriends keeping them up to date on her life? Darlin, she sounds like a self-righteous, self-absorbed, Paris Hiton-wanna-be, Barbie doll.

I'm sorry if that sounded harsh, but you need someone with the same depth that you have learned/become/grown to have.

As you already know, I look at life through rosy glasses... everything is beautiful. There will always be a morning, no matter how dark the night. "The most tempestuous wind cannot disturb the quiet of the stars." There is a silver lining in every cloud. And, I honestly, truly, completely believe that.

BUT, I also loathe it when people that are good people are walked upon by those that they love. That's not right. I hate it when one person holds the cards and deals someone that loves them a bad hand just because they can.

I'm not giving any opinion here, I'm just trying to vent from a non-part of your situation. I'm not saying that you shouldn't give her another chance, or that you should cut her off. I'm just venting. And, being a part of this over-100-post thread, I think that I've earned the right! :)

Anyway, this little post isn't going to help anything, nor was it really meant to... like I said, I'm just venting.

Bottom line: You don't deserve a Paris-Hilton-wanna-be. You deserve a real honest-to-goodness woman... one that loves you completely, utterly, truly. One that returns your love with no-holds-barred, no reserves, no regrets, no retreats.

Believe me, I know what you are saying and I see that horrible weakness in her.

I don't fault her for it though, I know I'm just making an excuse for her but she does this thing with her ex boyfriends because she still cares about them, she never had an ugly break up, she left all these guys, and she has a mother complex, she wants to make sure that they are all still OK, and the little part of her that has no self esteem wants to know that they still love her whether they have moved on and gotten new girlfriends. She is an all-loving person, It's not just about her ego, while I admit part of it must be, she is a compassionate person, and she is not a cheater, her mind wanders a lot but I believe that she was faithful to me until she broke up with me. She wasn't honest though, and that is the part I am most disappointed with. I guess that makes her high maintenance. I didn't use to be the kind of guy that could take care of a high maintenance woman, but now I want to be a party animal, with a professional side. And It feels good knowing that I can do that now, and I believe that I would keep her more than occupied.

I pity her because she can't leave somebody until she replaces them, and she is very good at fooling herself when it comes to love. She is aware of her weakness but she won't do anything about it. I wanted to help her.

George_1950 said something to me about men's egos and relationships. I guess I'm guilty of believing that our relationship should work just because I love her enough. I know that that logic is flawed, but I have more than my love to back me up. I have a bright future and limitless options, and I know so much about how her heart works, I'm constantly changing but my feelings about her stay the same, maybe it's because I am too stubborn to let go, or maybe it's because I really do see the beautiful person inside of her and I still believe I can coax her out. My life is still almost at the very beginning, I have a lot of time now, and I'm not the kind of guy that gives up easily. I don't know yet how to enjoy this time, I'm trying lots of things, but there are more opportunities for us waiting in the future, I have a lot of choices to make, and I want to make them carefully from now on. I've been careful in the past, but this heartbreak took me by surprise and I didn't know how to handle it. I should have seen it coming but love makes us blind I guess.

As for what you said about her depth, or her maturity, I understand why you say that and it's true to a point but she and I are kindred spirits, I never met anybody who felt as in tuned with my way of thinking when it came to harmony and love and how we look at people and the world around us, the difference was, I am a depressive person and she is an optimist and a live wire. She made me realize that I can have that spark as well, I just need to find my balance. There is no one else that I've ever met who could understand my thoughts as well as she could, even with the slight language barrier. We are both extremely empathetic people and very sensitive. I still believe that timing is what crushed our relationship.

Honey, nice girls don't play with guys hearts the way that she is playing with the hearts of all those "nice ex-boyfriends that she has a mother complex" for. That's not an all-loving person. That's a person that can't handle it when anyone thinks bad of her. Believe me. I was that person in high school. I played with the hearts of all the guys that fell at my feet. The ones that I "let down gently" I still contacted and had to know that they were still in love with me. I demanded worship, if you will.

Then I grew up. I put off that childish, high-school mentality of the popular cheerleader dating the "hottest guy in school" and grew up.

I realized that a man's heart is not to be played with or toyed with, it's to be cherished. To be truly treasured, because its priceless.

I went to college, fell in love (Princess Bride type of love - the whole "as you wish" was an understatement) with a wonderful, amazing man. We shared everything. He was my love, and I was completely his. We were engaged. He asked my Dad, we had everything planned. He was making my ring, we were on track. Then, something "happened" (not getting into it - too painful) and the result? He disappeared. Literally. Left without saying goodbye and never looked back. He broke me. Much like the brokenness that you are feeling now. I was literally crushed.

But, I got up. I went on. I dusted off my hands, stood up, and my perpetual Barbie-girl optimism returned. I had to. For my own sanity. And I became the person that I am today.

She needs to grow up.

(I don't really know why I shared all of that... I haven't really dwelt on that part of my growing-up experience/college life for a while. Heartbreak is a uniting experience. Spoken in any language, it is the most devastating thing that can happen to a person. The loss of a loving relationship, a physical loss of a special person, an experience... You have so much life left to live. Live it. Don't look back. Experiences make us who we are, they don't define us.)

Thank you for sharing that piece of your past with me, I feel for you I feel fortunate at least that she has not completely disappeared from my life, I believe you are correct when you say she needs to grow up, and you are not the only person who has made that statement to me. I never felt like our story was like that of a romance novel, I'm practical person and I seek practical solutions.

Practical, not economical.

I don't have any reservations about putting my hand into the matter, if she played dirty to leave me she didn't just cheat me she cheated herself. I am not following the rules anymore, I haven't been following the 'rules' ever since I came on this site, If there was a manual for relationships it would be this site, and she would have scolded me for reading it, but I don't care anymore, she may believe that prince charming will come along and she will never get bored with him, but he fact of the matter is we live in the real world and we are real people, she taught me something that I need to remind her; Love is not finding the perfect person, Love is making a beautiful life together and working together to improve whatever you can. If I have to ask for help, or read a manual, or fight dirty to get through to her, I will.

I won't sit idly while she wastes her time looking for a man she will never get tired of, I am making my life better, someday I'll get another chance to see if she's done the same. I will try my hardest to make the best of my situation, and live as if she's gone, but she will remain, deep inside of me waiting for another chance. I am constant, I have doubts like anybody else, but I still believe that that day is waiting for me.




If she can't stand people thinking ill of her than perhaps I have a new weapon. I don't know for sure, but it seems likely that that's the case. If she can deal with me being wounded and running away from her maybe she won't feel the same way about me charging in and screaming a war cry at her, since I'm sure that's something she's never experienced. If I have the courage to cut her completely from my life she must see that she's really the one that has lost. I don't want to make a rash decision, so I am asking for council, but I have a feeling that I might be able to show her a strength that she hasn't ever seen before, I won't back down into the night I will beat her at her own game. I'll demand that she pay tribute for her offenses, and make sure she knows that she is banished from my realm. Maybe, just maybe that will change her spot on the pedestal into a prison tower.

If it ever works, I'll have many secrets to keep from her. I don't like secrets but there are a lot of things I don't like that I'm learning to deal with...

Trust and honesty, I still value them, but I'm not a man of principals anymore, I believe in the ever changing nature of the universe, and constant people like me have to learn some time that change is the only constant and if you want to hold on to something's your going to have to let go of something else at some point.

In any case I'm not waiting for miss wonderful to come along and take care of me just because I'm so special. Anything worth having is worth working for.

Have you ever thought about visiting a nursing home? Or, a retirement community? This is just a thought I've been mulling over for a bit... humor me for a minute...

If, for nothing else then to see the marks that love has left on the people inside. Those people have lived life. You may find a man still in love with his bride of 60 years and her, lying in the bed next to him, just as completely head over heels for her groom than when she was 19 and a blushing bride. You'll find women who have loved, lost, and still survive because of the memories that live on in their hearts and in the pictures covering their walls. You'll find nurses that sit with older residents and read the love letters from days-gone-by... letters worn from age and dried tears.

You'd get a chance to put yourself as a "fly on the wall" to some of the greatest love stories - better than any Hollywood movie or love song. You'd actually see what true, real, lasting love is... the selfless qualities of such a love and of its ever-present-ness.

I find that when I'm at my lowest points, the best thing that I can do is not focus on myself, but remove myself from my situations and try to understand what makes other people tick.

The summer my ex-fiancee disappeared, we were both counsellors at a summer camp. I had a cabin full of teen girls. (the whole camp thing was part of the long story of "why") But, all that to say, when I focused on the problems of the teenagers in my cabin, I was able to put myself on the back burner for a while and try and help someone else.

When my Dad (my precious, "wind beneath my wings," hero of a Dad) died from cancer, I threw myself into my work - I went back to China for a year and immersed myself in teaching English and western culture.

I'm nothing special, don't mistake this for "tooting my own horn," but you're in a familiar place... I've been there... I know what helped me...

I think that may be why this site is so amazing... because you literally have thousands of people ALL hurting, trying to find solace in the words of someone else, the answers of a "virtual" stranger, the comforting words of others, the problems of someone on the other side of the screen... in order to remove themselves from their own struggles and pour what they have learned into someone else. I have always believed that what we go through is never for our own good, but for the benefit of someone else down the line.

At least, that's why I came here...

homesick: have you seen this?
Ok, this is day number 8 of no contact. Removed everything in my life that reminded me of her. All the pictures, all the stuff on the web, even the stuff we had saved in the basement from the wedding. It's all gone now.

I still think of her, but not so much now. I'm actually starting to enjoy my freedom, and getting out a bit more. For all of you that said that time helps... you're right... It does. No contact works as well.

When I first decided to try out the no contact thing it was because I was hoping she'd miss me and call. Now I'm realizing more and more that it's for me. It's so I can feel better and manage my pain level through this difficult time. She hasn't called or texted me, and I don't really feel all too bad about it. That phone call or text message would just set me back... I want to move forward. If she were to call, it would go to voicemail, and that's that. I've been through way too much to let her get ahold of me again. It's to the point that I don't think I'd be able to take her back. She's done some really cold and mean things, and I don't think she has it in her to be the woman that I need in my life.

So, I'm going to get out there and look for an "upgrade" at some point. Someone who fits better. My wife and myself were always friends. The 7 years we lived together we were BEST FRIENDS. I don't really miss the sexual or intimate relationship as much as I miss having my best friend around. Right now, we can't be friends - but I'm open to it further down the road, after we've both moved on. I hope we can have a healthy friendship at some point as opposed to a bad marriage. I've just plain come to realize that it wasn't working, and she wasn't going to put in the effort that I was willing to put in. I'm sure she felt the same way about it at times as well.

So, I'm feeling allright. I'm not the happiest man alive, but I feel so much more empowered by taking the situation into my own hands and moving on for myself.

I'll keep you all updated. Thanks for the help.
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/girlfriend-wife-7-years-leaving-165559-7.html

Wow,
I'm honored but at the same time I am sad that I am so unequipped at the moment to take your advice, I know that you both speak the truth, and I genuinely see the rational behind it, and I may try at some point to carry out these ideas that you have shared but, right now, I am too stubborn to change, I am strong enough to carry this cross and do all the things I need to do in my life.

Perhaps when I am seeing a doctor regularly and I have been on antidepressants for a while I will be able to let go, but I don't know if I can in my current state.

As for now I'm truly concerned first with my academic situation. It came to light that the army will not give me a degree because I am no longer on active duty nor am I a reservist. So I have to find out if my school will accept credit from the Defense Language Institute. I haven't given up hope yet, I still may be able to get my degree this year. And If that plan fails my back up plan is to get the Toefl English teaching certification from a 60 hour Oxford coarse that is available at the university here.

I taught English privately in Hungary for a stint while I lived there with my ex/future girlfriend.
Regardless of whether I can get her back or not I plan on going back and teaching in a school there, if things don't work out I'd be thrilled to teach English in Malaysia or Thailand or Japan.

I have a lot of hopes and even though I am rushing things I am optimistic that I can manage to make a big change this year. Even if that change is only inside of me.

After only 8 days is incredible, I don't want to be critical, but could he be in denial?

I felt a few ups after I started NC, but I generally feel unease, fear, jealousy, confusion, loneliness and anger. Could it be that I am just not as confident in myself? I don't want to imply that I love her more but maybe I just relied on her more.

Toefl! Definitely do that! You've taught in Hungary, so you know the value. I wish I had gotten my Toefl before I went to China, but it all worked out. I actually taught an Oxford Business English course at GE while I was in China - what a great experience. Annnd... I'm still using it! I've been hired by this tutoring company and have to students from Japan! Nissan brings them to the states for a couple years and they hire tutors to help them with their conversational/business English. Its great - and gives me a little of that teaching medicine I so miss.

No, I don't think he's in denial. George is a very wise person - he actually gave me the best post of advice on my very first question. I think he understands a whole lot more about the whole NC thing that we do. It took me a long time to get to the point that he is... Its quite amazing, actually.

No one is the same in these types of things. We all share the same heartache, but the symptoms are all different. It just takes some people longer to grasp the fact that they're going to be OK. There's nothing wrong with that.

George - you go, man! And I did mean that - my very first question on here... you gave me something I can hold on to - and I've implemented it into my life/relationship. So, thanks for that. :)

homesick,After only 8 days is incredible, I don't want to be critical, but could he be in denial?
I think its you who is in stubborn denial.
I felt a few ups after I started NC, but I generally feel unease, fear, jealousy, confusion, loneliness and anger. Could it be that I am just not as confident in myself?
That could be a distinct possibility, and you need to learn how to cope with those feelings
I don't want to imply that I love her more but maybe I just relied on her more.
They were married, so now you are running out of excuses. As prolific a writer as you are, you still stick to excuses not to heal, even if your depressed, you can do something about that. So I take your rantings as well written vents, and figure you'll get it one day. Forgive the harshness of this post, but what you need is a good smack upside yo' head, to get UNSTUCK. Life will do that though, no matter how stubborn, or depressed you may think you are.

I hope it didn't sound like I was being critical of aboleth, I was only surprised that it's possible to start recovering so quickly from as deep a hurt as he went through, if I was being critical of anybody it would have to be myself.


I am not in denial about the nature of her actions, I'm extremely hurt and often angry about the way she dealt with me after I left. I can tell myself that she doesn't love me and I don't outright deny it before I finish the thought. But If I can believe that I can live without her, I can also believe that she can change, and find the feelings for me that she lost.

I know that it is inevitable that I will carry on with my life with our without her and it's my choice to be happy or not, but denial is keeping me from making rash decisions and I still need that hope for a while longer, even if it's false hope, for the time being I need to believe that I still love her, and that I have a chance of proving myself to her. I need something to hold onto until I really believe that my life can bring me happiness from another source, and you all have helped me start my search. I also believe that therapy, and possibly medication will help me find my balance. And the final chapter of my search for satisfaction has to lie out in the world that I love so much. I may not return to Hungary, I might go somewhere else, a new country means a new life for me and a new possibilities all I know is that I've searched in America and I haven't found much.

I guess my point is this; I have a new found confidence in myself, and I know who I am, but I'm not used to the possibility of being happy without my partner, and I didn't really know how to make myself happy before. My problems with depression stretch back a long ways before I ever met her, and I need to stop using her as an excuse to be miserable, I've been thinking of her as a quick solution to make my life better, and I won't rule out the possibility that she actually does, but I must accept, that now is the time for fixing this problem alone, and when I do that I need to decide if she is really worth it since she didn't bear with me through it until the end.

Why is my life a never ending catch 22?

Can I choose whether I love her?

Did I really give myself permission to be happy without her? I have changed the way my mind works, I don't paint everything black anymore.

I'm am facing my material, mental, and spiritual problems.
My patience is tested again and again and again, and I continue to endure.

I can't move on while I still have doubts, anybody can argue either way from the story I've told, you can say that it could work in the future because she was wounded and weak because I let her down or you can say that it's not worth even the slightest thought on my part because she is a heartlesswitch.

There is some ground in the middle that we haven't covered.

I can't let her go while I have doubts, I can't be free while I still cling to hope. I know that I have the keys to my own prison, but I keep throwing them away whenever I remember that she has not seen everything yet.

Why is my life a never ending catch 22?

Can I choose whether I love her?

Did I really give myself permission to be happy without her? I have changed the way my mind works, I don't paint everything black anymore.

I'm am facing my material, mental, and spiritual problems.
My patience is tested again and again and again, and I continue to endure.

I can't move on while I still have doubts, anybody can argue either way from the story I've told, you can say that it could work in the future because she was wounded and weak because I let her down or you can say that it's not worth even the slightest thought on my part because she is a heartless witch.

There is some ground in the middle that we haven't covered.

I can't let her go while I have doubts, I can't be free while I still cling to hope. I know that I have the keys to my own prison, but I keep throwing them away whenever I remember that she has not seen everything yet. I am am stuck on this choice of calling her everyday, because I am afraid of ending my own hope.

I can't let her go while I have doubts, I can't be free while I still cling to hope. I know that I have the keys to my own prison, but I keep throwing them away whenever I remember that she has not seen everything yet.

She saw enough to end the relationship, and that is the bottom line. The rest is you chasing your own tail, round and round. Reread all your posts, the same recycled crap over and over. That slap upside your head, is what's needed.

I know that I keep saying the same things. I've read through it many times. I know that I need to move on.

But there is always a 'but'.

I won't move on until I have the courage to confront her and make her give me another chance or finish breaking my heart, if she loves me she will give me an opportunity, if she doesn't she will squash me like a bug.

I won't die if she rejects me wholly even after I make all my changes. I hope I won't hurt as much as I do now when that happens.

Funny thing is I'm making this so much more painful that I have to, I could have confronted her 2 months ago, instead I'm still waiting for her to change her mind.

Her aunt told me that she sees that I've changed and a tiny bit of hope still is inside of her but she's lost her faith or trust in me.

Neither of us is ready.
She is not ready to take another chance on me, and I have only just begun my important work. I know that clinging to her is only slowing me down, but I'm afraid of being strong enough to let her go. I'm silly.

And above all I don't know what she really feels, I only know that I still love her, and I won't give up until I'm satisfied that she sees me for what I am. I know that makes me selfish that I will back her into a corner until she leaves no doubt that she doesn't love me anymore.

Just like good ol' Smokey the Bear...

Only you can prevent forest fires.

Only you can take back those keys to your life and go on...

You'll only be in a prison for as long as you keep yourself chained up. You are in control of your own destiny.

I left the keys in her purse along with my testicles

LOL! Oh, I'm sorry... that was just so totally unexpected.

Well, Darlin, Cut a new key and grow a new set, cause you're on your way to greatness.

(Wow... My Mom would totally kill me if she saw this posting... wow... 28 and I still hear my Mother's voice in my head... That's a good thing... I guess... ;) )

I deserve to go the hell for suicides.

I remembered something that I must have blocked from my memory.

It shows the degree of my sickness I have never been more ashamed of anything in my life

I continued to take her for granted while she was the only light in my life.

When I was living with my mother and my ex and I were still communcating semi regularly, I was using craiglist to look for a car and a room to rent, and occasionally I would browse the personals, I'd also look at the erotic services section and look at ads for 'escorts'

At some point I told my ex that I was frustrated because of the essential issues like a job and car, and my inability to secure either quickly. And I also mentioned to her my attempts to meet women through Craiglslist as well, and in my insecurities I told her that I was ashamed and worried that I was considering seeing a prostitute. I don't know what came over me, or how I could tell her that, I don't have any doubts any longer that there is something seriously wrong with me, I know that I did not actually a physical thing that was wrong, but my thoughts and my selfishness disgust me, she was actually reaching out to me again, she was impressed with my final effort to become a man and instead of comforting her I took and took and took, I used her for my emotional support and I did nothing but disrespect her by making her feel like less than a woman, less than human, I showed her the most disgusting and weak part of my being my words told her that she was not enough for me and a wretch like me couldn't be satisfied with her and I deserve to suffer for that.

That is no excuse for her, she doesn't need an excuse. I hate myself, I wish that man was dead

I am still selfish, I won't kill myself and send me to the hell I deserve to be in.

I want to kill that part of myself with therapy, and I know that I don't deserve her, but I still believe that if I can be I should be responsible for her happiness, and while I doubt I can do a better job of that than anybody else in the entire world, I still want to try.

I'm sick to my stomach from what I did, and I hate myself for even trying to still get back to her because I am lower than dirt and she doesn't deserve to be around somebody that reminds her of the horrible way I was.

I am going to beat myself because my shame is not enough, I'll see a counselor this week and my therapy begins next Friday but until then I have to suffer at my own hands, and emotional recoarse is not enough, I need to redeem through pain I hurt her more than I even knew. And she gave me better than I desreved in return she was too kind to me

I'll see a counselor this week

Now your talking sense!

I feel a bit more stable now. I didn't expect to find something so selfish in me and I hid it from myself very well until now.

I'm not afraid to talk to her anymore, I know that I deserve whatever happens when that time comes, but it's not time for me to talk to her yet. I'm going to start seeing the psychiatrist, and I'll continue talking to my college counselor, and maybe after I've been on medication for a while and I've proven to myself that I can stay in control and that I don't feel so overwhelmed by my addiction or just life in general, then I will know when it's time to talk to her. Until then it's my burden to carry. I won't use her to make my life or my choices easier any more, I need to let her live her life like I said I would. And when I feel ready I will try again, and let her decide if the new me is good enough, if not then I'll truly be free, and I will forgive myself for all the pain I put her through. Right now I don't deserve her forgiveness, but given enough time I have hope still that I can be what we both believed I could become.

Good. Glad to hear that.

You can do everything that you said you will do in that post.

I believe in you! :)

I wish I didn't have to wait so long to see a doctor or just to talk to somebody.

I have such violent mood swings, my last post was just a few hours ago, and now I'm terrified to call her but I want to talk to her more than anything.

Talking to a psychiatrist is important in the long run and I know that it's necessary for me to learn to cope with my problems but for the time being I'm just using counselors and head doctors and everybody else as a substitute for talking to her everyday. When I want to call her I should be drawing strength from myself and hanging tight, instead I panic and call somebody to keep me occupied until it's too late to call her.

I just don't have that strength yet, I can keep myself from calling, (I have no idea how) but I still sit around obsessing about whether I should call her. No matter what I do to keep busy that thought keeps distracting me. My subconscious comes up with fiendishly clever reasons to call her. Sometimes all I can tell myself is, 'Wait until you can ask somebody else if they think I should call.' or

'Whats the difference if you call her today or tomorrow?'

That one gets me because I feel like everyday counts and every hour that passes just separates us more and more.




Here's a new question; What have I got to lose from calling her? She already knows I'm weak, I don't think that three weeks of no contact has made her think twice about that, but once again there I go trying to second guess her. I got to stop that.

My father and my college counselor both suggested the possibility that I should call her, neither of them actually said that I should they just mentioned that it might not be a bad thing to do, mainly because I want to send the message that I still care about her, and so far no contact has not been doing me any good, I've mostly been doing it for the wrong reason. I started it and continue it to show her I can carry on without her, and I don't want to waste all that effort, but I don't know if that is what she thinks at all. I think it's more likely that she thinks I'm not calling her for exactly the reason I told her I wasn't; because it hurts me too much, which sounds a lot like, 'Because I'm selfish, and if I can't have you the way I want you I won't talk to you anymore.'

I'll never know what she thinks unless she tells me.

Mostly now I keep putting off calling her because I want to have a piece of concrete evidence that I am getting better. I don't want to just tell her that I'm trying to get better, I want to tell her something like "my doctor told me that he thinks I'm doing much better now." or "I had a really great time last weekend" and I want to mean it when I say it. I won't ever lie to her, I just want to have something to show that proves to me and to her that I am following through with all the promises I made.

Proving that she can love me again is the only thing that matters to me.

I'm starting from nothing, even worse than I thought I was before I met her, and I'm going to work until I am the man that she gave her heart to before.

I won't stop until she falls in love with me again, I'll be as strong as she thought I was, and I will protect her and love her and do everything I can to keep her happy, I'll do it better than anybody else can because it's my reason for living. If she won't love me anymore I'll spend my days waiting until the suffering is too much, then I'll find out if I have what it takes to live without her.

The future isn't written all I can do anything about is the present, I won't let my love die because of who I was in the past. She deserves to see what she waited so long for.

I'm sorry Homesick, but if I were your ex and I read all these posts, the only thing I would be thinking about is "Restraining Order" . Everyone here I think has been trying to help you and you still seem hellbent on your "plan" to get her back. I hope you have already made an appt to see someone, because you really need to talk to a live person who can see what's really going on.

I'm sorry Homesick, but if I were your ex and I read all these posts, the only thing I would be thinking about is "Restraining Order"

That's because you are not her.



I'm seeing two college counselors regularly and I start seeing a psychiatrist next Friday. And potentially another psychiatrist from the VA the following Friday. So, soon I'll have an entire team of people helping me sweep out the skeletons and cobwebs in my head.

My plan is not sick, I'm just scared. I'm scared that I won't be able to make up for my past with her.

She left the opportunity for me, she never told me to stop calling, she hasn't tried to get rid of my things, she is confused and I don't want to show her how I feel yet because I don't want to scare her away again, someday I'll be able to explain to her that I understand all the things I did wrong and how I took her for granted. When I'm healthy enough to be happy without her, I can show her that I am not just obsessed with her but I'm dedicated to her, and to making up for my failings in the past.

I am working to prove that I don't need her, that's why I am keeping myself distant now, because I do still need her, when I don't anymore then I can give it my best shot.

In the mean time I vent here because If I don't let all this stuff out of my head I just might break down and call her, and have to start all over again.

And the biggest reason of all that I'm afraid is because she is with another man. I believe that she still loves me, no matter what anybody thinks, it doesn't matter that she has somebody else now, she stopped loving who I was on the outside because of my addiction and my weakness, but she never stopped loving the man on the inside, she just stopped believing in him, once I prove that the old is gone and the new is here to stay I know that she will give me another chance. It's going to take time and patience and a lot of work, and someday it will all pay off. I'm afraid for myself but I know that I will be OK, and I don't know if I'm more afraid that she will never be repaid for waiting so long for me to heal myself. It wouldn't be fair if she didn't get to share that with me, and I'm upset that she doesn't want to share the journey with me, but I won't blame her for it because of the way I was, I wasn't worthy of her companionship.


I can see things clearly, I know that emotions can change and that if I wasn't depressed it would possible for me to be happy without her. I mean part of the reason she left me is because I was depressed, it was impossible for her to make me happy. She put up with it for a long time, but I never did anything about it. Who would argue with me when I say that she will almost definitely give me a another chance when I make myself well, since she stayed with me for so long when I was sick? She doesn't let go of people she needs something else to hold onto to ease the transission, I know in my heart that when I am happy with myself that I have a good chance of getting back together with her.

I was in a race yesterday, and I had a lot of fun. It was very tiring and a lot of alcoholic beverages were consumed. At the after race party I got to know some of the people I'd met recently a little better, and purely by chance a woman started talking with me, she seemed to like me a lot. There weren't fireworks or anything but she asked me if I had a girlfriend that would be mad at her for talking to me for so long.

An almost cynical smile sneaked across my lips and I had to think about it for just a moment, far too short a moment to be noticed.

I told her no.

I thought to myself; "I don't have a girlfriend, and even if my ex still was with me, she wouldn't be mad, she would be proud of me."
But that doesn't matter at all does it? Because she has left me behind, and she hasn't even contacted me about anything yet.


I didn't think about it much at the time. But after I got home and thought about all that had happened yesterday, I started feel some uncertainty. I haven't done anything wrong, I don't feel guilty, but I am still terrified of change. I've only had one conversation with this woman, it could amount to absolutely nothing, but my future is thrown into question because I met somebody. I wanted to. I didn't want it very much but I did. I didn't want much more than that when it comes to relationships right now. I don't need to prove to myself that I'm a good man, or that I'm attractive and fun to be with, but there is something frightening about somebody else realizing that while a woman that I love (or loved?) has forgotten it. There's really no doubt that I still love her, and I always will but maybe I'm a little less frightened that I may not always dream of getting back together with her. However the new issue is "What do I want now?" If events unfold a certain way it might be much more complicated than it was before.


I need to stop thinking so much about the future.

I will stand by my choices, I'm going to get certified to teach english and I'm going to stay in school (I don't think anything could change that) and I'm going to adapt to the ever changes world and circumstances of life, I'm going to get to know this new woman a little better a little bit at a time, and see what happens. And each day I will take account of what I feel and get to know myself better.

I'll stay the coarse and keep sight of my goals, and constantly ask myself what I want and why, and if it changes I'll adjust heading accordingly.

I don't feel right about dating anymore, it feels like I'm still playing games.

I don't want to date this girl just because I want to prove to myself that I can, it's not important to me. She may be nice but it's not time for me to start something. I haven't finished yet with my ex. I don't even want to call her my ex.

My brother also encouraged me to call my ex.
I don't want to put stress on her because apparently her new internship is pretty intense. That's an excuse though. I have lots of excuses.
The best one is this, I don't want to call her because I won't play games anymore, I will tell her the truth, and that means I have to tell her that I was spying on her, and I've been trying to figure out how to trick her into calling me.

NC so far has been a game, and I lost because I wasn't doing it for myself I was waiting for her to call.

How ironic that I have so many reasons not to call her now.

I still love her, and I don't want to trick her anymore, but I still don't know what to do.
I feel like I am choosing how the rest of my life is going to be, I love her but I don't know anymore if I love her enough, and I don't know the reasons that I do things anymore, I don't know what is for me and what is for her.

I know if I call her and she makes it clear that she won't give me another chance, I know that I'm not going to take it well. I don't think I will come up again for a long time. And now I am clinging to some strange girl I just met, and I don't know a single thing about and wondering if I'll regret not taking a chance with her. That's just ridiculous, I'm talking about not giving every single piece of my soul to get the love of my life back because of a twenty minute conversation that ended with exchanged phone numbers.

Of course I can think about this. If I wait until next week to call back my ex is it going to make any difference? Seriously, it might and it might not. How can I gamble with this?

OK, the answer to the next question I'm about to ask is "don't worry about it, worry about myself"

I can't stop thinking about all my stuff in Hungary, I have been trying to figure out how to tell her that I can't afford to send it all here (when I actually don't intend to, because I want to move back to Hungary) so I want her to pack it all up and store it at her parents.

Let's be honest, its pretty uncool that she told me she had another boyfriend and then a week later she sends me a message about her playing with my toys...

And she still has my books and things there, what the heck?

She should not be allowed to have this leverage, I don't want her to get comfort from my things and I don't want her to have the reasurance that she has something of mine, things that I will want someday. A veritable guarantee that I will contact her. I don't want her using my things to make herself feel better when I'm not around and I don't want her using my things to entertain her new boyfriend or just regular friends when she has removed me from her life, I want her to realize that there are consequences for leaving me. If she doesn't love me I'm not going to be her friend, therefore I won't 'lend' her my things.

All the same she is not throwing them out into the street so maybe I owe her for that, and maybe I can say forget about it because she is doing me a favor.

WHAT? She's doing me a favor? She broke up with me and is holding my stuff hostage!

She should pay to send it to me, I don't have $5000 to throw away like that, if I did, I'd just buy new things, but that is not the point.

If she won't communicate with me what right does she have to use all my things as if I were still her boyfriend?

I CAN'T STAND THIS


OK I'm not going to think about it.

I'll get my stuff back when I get back to Hungary, and I have absolutely no chance of getting back together with her, and I have no dignity left, and I can't love anymore, and this is garbage.

Ok I'm late for my math test now.

Bye

OK I'm about 250% calmer now, I think I did really well on my math test which is a very big surprise.

And I talked to my friend about my dilemma, I may have the solution.

I think I'm going to write her an email. I'm going to try to be completely neutral and not confrontational. Here's a rough draft;

I appreciate you taking care of all my stuff since I left, I don't want it to be any trouble for you but I'd be grateful if you could begin gathering it all together somewhere that's out of your way and getting it ready for transport when you have time. You can take your time because it will be a while before I have the money to ship it. Until then you can keep using whatever you like.

Comments? Suggestions?

I want to keep it short and impersonal, but not cold. I think I managed that.

In case it's not clear what I'm doing here, I'm sending a subtle message, that I am not at her beck an call anymore, and that she does not have the luxury of time when it comes to deciding if it me or the other man she wants, I feel that by saying this I'm not putting pressure on her, and I am asserting my independence from her without any financial loss.

If I could say one more thing in it I'd rather say "until I figure out what I'm going to do with it all" because honestly I don't want any of my things sent here, it's better off in storage or with her parents there, but I don't have the money for storing it, so I'll let her have her comfort from my things but I won't let her think having them ensures that I'll be back anymore.

Do you have another friend in Hungary that would be willing to store your things until you have the money to get it? That could be a win-win.

Her saying that she and her new boyfriend were "playing with your toys" is a low blow. I'm sorry, homesick.

If it bothers you that they are using your things then you have to find a way to get them out of there... by getting another friend to store them or sadly, have her simply get rid of them. (I hate to say that because being a historian and a writer, throwing away books is a serious sacrilege! But, for your sanity... )

You told her that she can use everything - hon, you've got to let it go. If you can't let it go, then find someone else to take it.

How are you doing, other than the stuff in Hungary?

I haven't sent that message yet, I don't have any friends there, other than her family. The toy thing was not a direct quote, she wrote me a message because she 'thought I called her' a couple days after she told me about 'him', she said she found out who really called her after she wrote the message from my original post about guitar hero.

Other than the stuff in hungary, I don't know how I am, I don't care about the stuff, its just another excuse to communicate with her, but that issue does need to be resolved. I want to be honest with her, I want to tell her that I'm going to come back and that everything will be all right. But it's not going to be all right, I don't know if I can look at her the same anymore, and to me it looks like she has treated me like all her other ex boyfriends, with mild affection and pity.

I love her but I hate what she's done. And I keep telling myself to move on. I can't wait to start therapy, I just don't want to be miserable anymore, I also keep telling myself that I'm better now, and if I just had her back, my life would be complete again, I don't need her but even though I made my life so much better I am still missing her.

What am I going to do tomorrow, I think I'll manage not to think about her while I am with my date. But what about afterwards. I know I'll still love her no matter what happens. This affects only me, not her.

You said before about my love being some kind of super love, but it seems like it's wasted on my ex. She saw the edge of it and she was scared because she had lost faith in me, she might have thought I was obsessed and that I was setting myself up for disappointment or failure. I'm disappointed, and I failed her, but I still love her, and I know her well enough to really believe that her love for me is still in her somewhere and when I finally get back there it will grow for me again.

If I believe that so much why am I so impatient, why am I so afraid of living my life until I know whether she will come back to me.

I want her to see that I'm strong but I really want her to see that my love is stronger than my ability to attract other women...


Maybe I don't give myself enough credit, but it seems to me that love is where all my strength comes from, love is the reason I kept doing all these things, I tried to tell myself and everybody else that I was doing them for myself, but I think that was a lie, I'm still breathing for her, even when it seems so hopeless and that there is no chance that we will ever be together again, I keep going on. I've been doing it for a while now, how can I find a better reason to go on than another person to replace her with, that seems to be what several people have suggested to me, but I don't want to be like my father, he was married 5 times, and now he is old and alone. I want to find out how to be happy without falling in love with somebody else. My god, that's what she's done too. Are all people like this? I can never teach her that she took away our future because of her fear of being alone, I don't want to be alone but I don't want to live for somebody else forever..

What a paradox, I want to learn to love myself so I can get her back. But honestly I love myself, and I am happy with my progress, but I won't stop working on myself. Still no matter how much better I feel about myself, I want to share all that come from it with her, she earned it, she deserves it, and she is so special to me that I want to share all that we can be together.

Sorry now I'm just rambling

Yes, I did say that yours was a super love. Super in the sense of "leaping tall buildings, jumping all obstacles, super power" love. But darlin, that powerful, amazing, Shakespearean love is being tragically wasted. You know it. We all know it.

You're caught up on this hamster wheel - you're running as fast as you can, bettering yourself, rising to the occasion of taking control of your life, and yet, you're still not going anywhere because you haven't gotten off, had enough, and moved on.

You can have that super-love, but if you don't realize that you have that love to give to someone then what good is it? By "give to someone" I mean "give to someone who possesses an equal amount of super love." The Elasti-Girl to your Mr. Incredible. The yin to your yang. The Gate Keeper to your Key Master.

You're asking the right questions and taking the right steps... but darlin, your first step is going to have to be to get off the hamster wheel.

You may be wasting your time looking for something you may not get. YOUR CLOSURE. Or you have it, but refuse to accept it. Either way is unhealthy, as you sacrifice getting healthy, holding on to what may not be realistic. Use your time wiser, would be my advice. Be healthy to deal with whatever the future holds.

It's being wasted now.

I'm thinking about the future. That is not always a good thing.
But take Talaniman's quote there

"Obstacles are what you see when your not looking at the goal."

It's cliché time.

I guess I need to stop and smell the roses.

Jealousy is driving me crazy, I'm driving myself insane.

I hope that therapy helps, I wish I started sooner.

I'm sad because there was a time when I made her happier than anybody else in the world. I was nothing then compared to what I am now.

She is cheating herself, and living in ignorant bliss (possibly). It's not a selfish wish I make to be with her again, it's for her.

Don't tell me that she knows better what makes her happy, let me have my sick fantasy that I know better. My therapist will help me sort it out.

I'm going to call her in a minute, I don't have a any idea what I'm going to say.

I'm going to apologize to her for the way I treated her, but I'll do my best not to get emotional, I'll try to see what she is feeling and I'm going to bring up my things if it's the worst.

Somebody please tell me if I'm making a huge mistake, tell me that if I wait another month she'll call me and tell me she broke up with the new guy and she'll want me to take her back. Tell me anything. I have some pretty unreal expectations.




Last night I got stood up by the other new girl. My only regret was that I didn't call my ex earlier that day just to talk.

I need to stop fooling around and apologize that's the last thing I need to do. I pray that it will make a difference, but I have a feeling it will only make a difference to me.

Clicking that dial button is really hard.

And I really feel like a fool when the response is the message telling me that the number can't be reached at the moment.

Life is really funny some times.

I guess I'll try again later.

I got her on the phone, and it was a stupid meaningless conversation.

She managed to make me feel guilty because she was standing out in the cold.


She said she was happy that I called, but asked me not to read too much into that, I said I wished she wouldn't say it at all. Really if she thinks I might misinterpret something why does she even say it?
I kept myself in check, and she revealed nothing to me, except she has no boyfriend I didn't ask, she thought I said something about a boyfriend when I mentioned her ex's. I revealed that I want to return, and that I'm seeing a therapist. I didn't lie, I'm doing well I told her, that I'm doing OK and I'm not at the same time. She said she thinks about me a lot. She said she was happy that I called, and she said she would call me back after some days or weeks had passed, I told her not to promise me that, I told her to call me when she wanted to call me.

She said she's not going to get on a plane and come see me and get back together right now. I told her I don't want that.

I said I wanted her to be in therapy like me, and she said she would like that too, but apparently she doesn't have time.

She said she likes her new job, lovely...

I said she was being unrealistic when she asked if we could visit in japan on spring break, she said she knew that already, and it was no big surprise that I knew it too.

She knows I'm different now, but it's just like her aunt told me, she knows I'm different but she isn't certain about anything, especially the way she feels about me. I think she doesn't want to waste years holding out for me.

She says she doesn't have a boyfriend. I believe her, I think I believe her.

She also said that she doesn't think we should talk anymore, but she got so much more upset than I did. She said I couldn't upset her anymore, and that it was only the wind and cold making her shout at me, but I could hear her voice shake, I didn't want to make her upset and I told her that, we both know each other too well to lie, but maybe she can lie to me, she lies to herself enough. I'm going to try to wait until march for her to call, that's when she mentioned might be a good time because her schedule will change. She says I'm silly, when I say dumb things like, 'pretend I never called, don't call me again'
But she says sillier things that really hurt deep.

She says she wants me to let her go, that's ridiculous, I told her it's possible but I don't see why I have to. I am making progress right now, even with all this extra hurt, and I can make it back to Hungary this year or next, I can make it, I told her that.

She is just floating along, while I am fighting the current. She said I knew that she stopped loving me a long time ago, and it was silly of me to think about all the things I wanted to apologize for. She still talks about three or four years down the road, and says she's not going anywhere, but she's foolish if she believes that, I know that is a dumb way to think about it, she says 'don't think about the future, think about now." I want to think about both, she doesn't want to think about the future.

I can't tell her what I really want, because I don't know what I want her to do. I have wishes that are unrealistic, but I don't know what is practical for her to do. I still don't have closure, and I don't want it, I told her I won't be her friend. I showed her I can get angry at her but she knows that I think all the things I'm angry about don't mean a thing. She even said so, and she's right. She doesn't think she is 100% innocent in our relationship bu we both know that I am mainly responsible for it not working.

She says she thinks I am a special person and it makes her happy that I called, and it makes her smile when she looks at my things. I don't know how to tell her that I want her now, but it can change. She knows it and she wants it to happen. I don't know why because I think that she know she still wants me back. I think she might know that I need to seem unobtainable before her instincts make her desire me again. She's too damn smart for her own good. And so am I.

So I don't know if calling was a mistake, I probably should have written, but I would have written the wrong thing, and I would be just as confused with nothing to go on from her.

She seems to think that passing her medical exams was harder than my finding a job, car and home at the same time. I didn't know what to say, I couldn't say that the exams were easier, and I didn't know how to explain to her that the fact that there were consequences for me failing and none for her. She comprehends but I still think she doesn't fully understand. I only brought it up because I could tell she didn't want to talk anymore and I was grasping at straws. So I guess she continues to string me along, so I'm going to keep trying to have a social life that I'm not particularly interested in and not worry about her, after all she's not going anywhere.
I told her she underestimates me, I also told her she underestimated my sickness. Mostly she underestimates my ability to survive her emotionally. The conversation went bad I guess because I didn't get anything I wanted, I didn't get closure, She just got upset and I got nervous, I'm maintained cool for it though, I didn't cry, I'm just frustrated, and I think she realizes that, but somehow she just thinks that I'm not different enough, or that we can't have a relationship now, because she's too busy, I don't know what the hell she thinks. But she says a lot of stupid things, She says it was hard for her to not call me she said it wasn't as hard for her as it was for me. She said she wanted to a lot. I told her she can now, but I told her not to call unless she really wants to talk.

Therapy yesterday was a waste of time, I got a lot more out of talking to my college counselor later on.

I didn't get closure,

That's your fault not hers. You could well take this conversation as closure, but your false hope won't let you.

How can I take it as closure when she says she wants to talk again, and she doesn't want to do anything with my stuff. She says she doesn't think of me like her other ex boyfriends. I could have taken it as closure when she started to say she thought we shouldn't talk anymore, but you're right I won't let that happen, she can call me in march and I'll see what happens.

She keeps saying she is going to make my life miserable, but I know she can't do a better job of that than I have already done to myself.



Doesn't it mean the slightest damn thing that she is still happy when I call her now, or that she wants to keep my things around. I don't think she deserves that, but I won't be the bad guy that tries to take them away, especially now.
I'm letting her walk all over me, but I don't want to play the jealousy game, and there is no logical solution to the problem with my things. But she let me walk all over her when we were together, she bent over backwards to try to fit into my twisted life. So I'm going to wait just like she did. And I'll try to fulfill her crazy requests and meet other women and try figure out more reasons she just isn't the girl for me.
I don't like the waiting game either. But what else have I got, she has a hostage, I don't know what I have, other than a big heart and a lot of patience.

It seems that she told me that she was with the new guy back in January because she wanted to scare me off. Well I don't care either way. She doesn't think I'm creepy, and she doesn't hate me, and she says she'll never hate me.

She has a f#@$ed up attitude about personal growth in long distance relationships, and I think she wants me to hate her, or at least to stop loving her, but I just don't get it. She doesn't like herself I guess. She said she hates Valentine's day, but a few minutes later when I asked her if she remembered the last time she was happy she mentioned yesterday, but not what made her happy maybe she meant Friday, and her brother's birthday. I digress.
I asked her about being happy because I don't remember the last time I was happy for an extended period, or maybe just a day that I woke up happy. She said she was happy that I'm in therapy and thinks everybody should do it, but she got angry when I brought up the possibility of medication.

She says she want me to be over her, and I ask why. She doesn't have an answer. She thinks it's not going to work when were far apart or something. Every time we talk I can't get to the bottom of anything she thinks or feels, I bare myself completely and she just runs in circles.

My counselor says that love is like a log in a fireplace and when it's lit it burns brightly, but once that log is burned through nothing can bring that flame back. I didn't get to ask him what happens when you throw another log in there.
That's what I want to do, I want to keep that old log burning until she sees that I'm bringing a new one. It doesn't matter if it's already gone out, I'm still bringing that new log damn it.

She's is still playing a game and I'll play along because if the last month proved anything it's that I can hang in there no matter how bad it hurts, and I can keep waiting. Maybe she can wait longer, but what does it matter, I opened the door now, so I know if she doesn't call it's not because of anything I said.

I'm taking the long road again, because she keeps choosing to make me wait. She wants me to decide all of a sudden that I don't love her just because she doesn't know what she wants. Well sorry but maybe I need a rebound relationship too, before I realize that you're a witch. But it just won't happen. She won't get jealous, I won't confess, I probably won't even go there because I am too focused on school and work and counseling now, to have any kind of romantic relationship now. That's just the damn thing, she confessed when she told me about the other guy, she felt guilty as hell about him, she just won't admit it to herself. It's so sad that she won't see anything but what's right in front of her. If we get back together I might get tired of dangling a carrot in front of her all the time and basically having to keep an eye on her, but why bother thinking about either of those things, like she said, don't worry about the future.

I'm a libra, that is against my nature, I need to have everything accounted for.

So it's only two weeks until march, I'll wait until spring break, and maybe that oxford seminar will put things in perspective.

I'm going to use my Financial aid money from college to pay for it. Maybe I'll take out a student loan interest free from the VA, in any case, she is not influencing my decisions.

I've been too hard on myself, even she said that. Desperation won't get me anywhere, perseverance and patience are what are going to pay off now, and I'm investing them in myself a lot more than I have been in the past few months. I guess it's probably a good thing that I'm a bit annoyed by her indecision and unwillingness to communicate her feelings. Maybe I'm beginning to understand what 'high maintenance' is all about.

homesick: "How can I take it as closure when she says she wants to talk again, and she doesn't want to do anything with my stuff." I think this girl is unusually cruel and heartless; just my opinion. Where does she see the relationship going? Twenty words or less, please.

I have no idea where she wants the relationship to go. And I don't think she does either.

She is selfish, I'm selfish, people are selfish, what are you going to do?

She is selfish, I'm selfish, people are selfish, what are you gonna do?

Quit whining and get a life. DuuuuuuH! A month and a half of non-stop crap, should be enough for any one. You seem to smart to chase your own tail that long and still have no clue whatsoever? You have vented soooooooooo much, there can be nothing left, but to live your own life.

My mind has started going to work on this, I'm going down fast again.

I sent her a text a few hours after I called,

"Are you curious about what else I've been doing?"

that was stupid, even more stupid than calling, I stink of desperation. I want to call and scream at her to that I'm not all these things I appear to be, but I am these things. I'm lonely I'm desperate and I still depend on her approval. I'm angry because she plays on her terms, and she doesn't give answers, she just keeps me waiting.

"Go live your life, I'll tell you how I feel in a few weeks if I feel like calling..."

I should pretend I don't care until I don't care anymore, I want to call her back right now and have a shouting match with her. Better to do it now then to wait another month of convulsions and sobbing and hating every minute of everyday without her, waiting, hoping, crying, and screaming.

Why does she need more time? I told her I don't want to be her friend. She is not going to feel different in a month, she 'loves' her new job, why can't we stop being so selfish. I want answers now, she wants to keep waiting for who knows what. What can we do now, nothing, we can talk but she doesn't want to do that anymore.


It's over but she won't say it unless I twist her arm?

What is wrong with me? Why can't I let go, because I don't have anything else to hold onto. I know that there is a whole life out there ahead of me but I care too much about this old life to just leave it dead in the street, I want to run back and check to see if it's still alive every minute.

I don't know if she knows how bad it hurts me to wait and wait and wait. It's been hard for me and she says she misses me and it's been hard for her but how hard could it be when she wants to wait another 'X weeks' before talking again.

Is her life that hectic, she doesn't have time to think about me, maybe it's true but so the f what. She hasn't even answered the text, maybe her phone is dead again, maybe she's on a date maybe maybe maybe, I won't let myself stop thinking about it. Somebody slap me upside the head for real please.

I haven't left the house for anything but school and work and counseling for a while, I got some new glasses but I still don't have a life, the race was fun but what the hell am I doing with my life, I got stood up again, and what is my backup plan? I don't have one, this used to be easy, now I don't know how to enjoy life, I'm slipping back into my addiction like a perfect fitting glove. And I want to choke myself for being so weak and pathetic. I don't have money for going out, and I'm too messed up to let myself concentrate on other hobbies, and I should be doing my homework right now but I got myself all worked up again from calling her, therapy will take weeks to help me figure out how to cope with my stupid issues, and I'm rotting from the inside out all the while.

The issue is not her anymore, it's me and I'm so sick of being sick. Why doesn't talking to anybody help me, it just makes me rethink my problems and I don't change anything inside no matter how much I want to. I keep back stepping with her and with my illness, and my addiction, and my thoughts.

Only I can change it, but I don't seem to be doing a very good job, am I going to be able to keep my resolve to change long enough to see a mental health professional for the next 2 or 3 months with agonizingly long weeks in between each session?

Suicide sounds better and better all the time, if it is eternal suffering at least it is without the additional torture of hope.

Seriously I won't kill myself, I'm far to afraid of the possibility that it has consequences worse than a life of self abuse. But that doesn't stop me from wishing for death.

She is selfish, I'm selfish, people are selfish, what are you gonna do?
Thank goodness, I thought I may have introduced the word, "selfish"; but I looked back and didn't see it. Selfish is what you need to be, homesick; that is what NC is all about, looking out for you and your best interests. You can't do that and invest so much of your time and soul into this situation. Let me give you a "for instance", which isn't fair or fun, but it could happen, that is to say, it is within the realm of possiblility: what if she were to just disappear today, what would you do? What should you do? What do any of us do when we lose something precious and dear? I think you are obsessive about this girl and I don't think it is healthy. You don't feel really good, and she probably doesn't want any part of that when she is considering her need for romance and love in her life. Just my free opinion, OK? Not trying to be an a$$.

what if she were to just disappear today, what would you do? What should you do? What do any of us do when we lose something precious and dear?

I would act the part of the insane obsessed boy and sacrifice all to go looking for her, I am obsessed and stubborn and quite foolish sometimes.


You don't feel really good, .
I really don't feel good, I am full of very ugly sadness inside and I don't know how to get rid of it. I am good at faking it sometimes, like when I have to pretend that I'm having a good time at parties, I might even actually have a good time, but I feel guilty afterwards. It's pretty sad.




I think you are obsessive about this girl and I don't think it is healthy.

I am repeating myself but yes I am obsessed I am aware of that, and I have an addictive personality, I'm going back to my old addiction, to cope with this attempt to stop being hooked on her. And I really really don't want to do that.

Help can't come fast enough for me to stop myself from being a monster, not a terrible monster just a pathetic lonely cave dwelling monster that hates itself. Some people love this monster but they can't get him out of the f-ing cave.

You seem to love sitting on that pity pot, in your cave of your own making. Any excuse not to be happy. Sad you're to lazy and selfish to make yourself happy, by following a few simple instructions. Oh well!! It's your life to waste.

Darling, homesick,

"Be great in act as you have been in thought" (Shakespeare)

You have wrapped your mind around what you know you must do to move on.... now is the time to do it.

Its done. You're done. Start writing a new chapter. "What's past is only prolouge."

I'm talking to her on skype right now, and against all odds we're are having fun.

:P

Nothing is in stone, but I have my foot in the door again.

I didn't mean to be rude with my last post, I'm just excited. It's not exactly like it was when we we're just getting started, but it's like a new beginning. I can feel physically when her heart is opening to me again, and I know that while she is still afraid that I will hurt her again, bit by bit I am earning her trust back.

I did it a hard way, and I know this must not work for everyone, it might not even work for me, but she still loves me, and I still love her, it won't be long before she isn't afraid to say it anymore. I just need to keep doing what I'm doing.

Heal.

No more spying, no more games, no more self pity, no more dwelling.

She even said to me the moment she decided she wouldn't turn down other guys anymore. I was right about it. It was the call I told her I was thinking about prostitutes again. Well I'm long past that hurdle, and I will keep fighting and working to make sure I never feel that much doubt about myself again. And I will make sure she knows that I know I am better than that.

When she calls me back I will have something good to talk to her about.

I held out, I took a chance, and I believe that it's going to work. The hard part is not over, but I believe in myself, and I believe in our future.

I've been thinking a lot about the way I have acted, and I'm pretty ashamed.

If I ever want her to trust me again I have to be 100% honest, I've known that from the very beginning.

I'm going to tell her that when I stopped using pornography I started looking in her email box, and that I have stopped since we talked on Saturday and I won't do it again. I don't think I should wait for her to call me again before telling her, but I need to decide if I should write a letter or call her to tell her this.

I've just begun to earn her trust back and I don't want to build it up too high before I tell her about this. It wouldn't be fair. And I need to confess everything to start over.

I'm going to tell her that I am making a conscious effort to stop doing things like this that hurt me and break the trust that other people put in me.

I'm going to have to leave it up to her when we talk again after this.

I am absolutely terrified that she won't want to speak to me anymore when I tell her. She might not be nearly as upset about it as I imagine she could be, some things like this she doesn't take very seriously. But I'm going to tell her no matter what, and I'm going to tell her because it is my intention to tell her everything and that I am doing everything I can to be a better man, I don't want to hide the truth from her to gain her trust back.


I'm tempted to tell her that it only caused me an incredible amount of pain, and that every time I read something private I hated myself more and more because I was doing something so wrong, but I couldn't stop reading her letters even though I wanted to die every I read something she wrote to him. I couldn't stop because it was a substitute for my addiction, but I'm getting help for my addiction now, and I am doing everything I can to keep myself from starting any of these things again, I won't use porn and I won't spy on her anymore. I hope that makes a difference, I hope it isn't too late.



I'm so scared that I'm doubting myself. I have arguments against telling her now; I didn't use any of this information to influence her, I looked up information about the other man from his address and learned about him, because I was jealous, but I didn't manipulate or hide anything from her, except for one letter I sent to her, which I deleted before she read it, and I called her and told her everything that it said anyway.
I got some addresses of her family and friends and that is how I got in touch with them, but I haven't asked any of them to do anything for me I only asked them for advice and support. I don't ever want her to know that I did an of these things because I'm afraid it will hurt her and she will never trust me again, because if I hurt her again now it will only make it harder to prove to her that I am changing and I am taking all the right steps to keep myself from doing things like this anymore.

And one step is telling her the truth and letting her decide if she can trust me again after this...

I hate knowing all the answers.

The reason she doesn't want to get back together with me is she is afraid I'm going to hurt her again, and now here I am about to tell her something that will hurt her, and wanting to convince her that I won't do it again.

Well it turns out I do know her as well as I thought. She wasn't mad at all.

She was a tiny bit sad that I was stupid enough to put myself through so much pain for nothing.

I really put myself through a whole lot of suffering the last few hours just because I was afraid. And as it turns out it really hardly made any difference at all to her. She says she is still going to call me, and I don't really think that telling her that made any difference. But it made a world of difference for me. I don't have a guilty conscience any more, and I will continue to fight my impulses.

My heart is still beating very quickly, I'm relieved that she was not angry and she wasn't the least bit upset, she said she even had an errant thought a few days ago about the possibility that I was reading her emails because she knows I know the password.

She speaks to me as a mother does to a child. I hope that once some time has passed she will begin to see me as a man. She is already coaching me, with her tiny voice, telling me not to be sad, and to get some sunshine, not to take things so seriously. She calls me baby in her own way, that she doesn't say to anybody, she never liked that nickname but we called each other that so much, and it just seems so familiar. I still say 'I love you' and feel a pain when there is none in response. But I'm not surprised, and I'll try to refrain from saying it until I feel there is a chance of an echo someday.

Now I need to start where I thought I was on Saturday, start being strong, start being independent, start with a clean slate.

Now I'm free to be the man I want to be, I better start on my home work...

So I went to the VA clinic yesterday, before my appointment I watched a movie and had one of my intense crying and shouting fits. A few minutes after I'd stopped crying I heard my roommate coughing in the next room and suddenly remembered he'd been told by his boss to stay home yesterday to recover from a chest infection. He pretended he hadn't heard, but I told him not to to be embarrassed and I apologized, and told him I was going get some medication that day.

Once I got to my appointment at 1:00pm, I found out that there was a mistake and that I hadn't been scheduled to see a psychiatrist, but only a primary care physician, I wasn't terribly upset because I was planning to get checked out soon anyway, and afterward he told me I could just go to mental health as a walk-in. I spoke to the doctor there and he said I could be medicated but it would take a couple of weeks for the medication to arrive at that clinic, but if I drove to the city and saw a doctor there I could get some that day. I was hesitant because I didn't want to drive far and the weather was bad, but he convinced me it would only take half an hour.
So I was on my way.

It took me an hour and a half in heavy traffic and rain to get there, and when I arrived I didn't know where to go.

I found the department I was supposed to go to but they hadn't put me in the computer and it was extremely busy. They told me that I most likely would not be able to see a doctor that day, then the nurse there told me to just go to the emergency room. I waited for two hours and got more upset each minute, I saw the triage nurse and was told it would be a few more hours before a doctor would see me. I had dinner from some vending machines. When I finally saw the ER doctor she could not prescribe me antidepressants and that I couldn't see a psychiatrist until Monday...

But if I stayed the night in the Psych ward I could see a psychiatrist the following morning. Because it was so late and I had wasted so much time already I decided to spend the night there and save myself another long drive, I also was determined to get started with medication and treatment as soon as possible. I don't want to wait X more weeks to see if medication helps I want to start now.

So I checked into the Psych ward and spent half the night in processing, and speaking with a nurse and the admitting doctor. By this time it was about 9:00pm and I was ready to crash. Then a nurse mentioned to me that I might not be able to leave until Monday because a doctor would have to approve my discharge and it's not normally done on the weekend, I explained to them that I have a job and that I didn't want to lose it just because I came there to get some medication, and also about how much time I'd wasted that day and that I had been up since 2:00am.

I didn't sleep much last night, I was too worried about being stuck there and losing my job. I saw a doctor the following morning and to my great relief he understood the situation and signed my discharge papers once he verified that I was not a danger to myself or others.

Then after some more bureaucratic hassles of waiting for them to get my valuables out of the safe in the basement and some other mix ups with paperwork they sent me on my way and told me to pick up my meds from the pharmacy downstairs.

The pharmacy is closed on Saturdays.

I asked around and got angry and was told to come back and that it was unfortunate about all the misinformation I had been given and all the hassle I'd gone through to get one tiny prescription filled, all to be told to come back again which is the last thing I want to do.

I asked a nurse by chance and explained my situation and she told me to go back up to the psych ward and ask, so I did and they had my prescription there, I'm still breathing relief quite deeply.

In two weeks I'll return to do a follow up and hopefully after that I won't need to return to that clinic again and I can continue therapy at the closer clinic.

All that for just two weeks of anti depressant/anxiety medication. It doesn't seem worth it. But I am still committed to improving myself and continuing on my quest for personal and professional growth.

What in god's name am I supposed to do with this!?

[3/5/2008 12:18:06 PM] I said: Hi
[3/5/2008 12:19:04 PM] she says: hello sweetoman
[3/5/2008 12:19:46 PM] I said: do you know what that makes me feel like?
[3/5/2008 12:20:00 PM] she says: waito
[3/5/2008 12:22:00 PM] she says: what does it make u feel like?
[3/5/2008 12:22:25 PM] she says: i was looking foru earlier thisweekbut u werent on
[3/5/2008 12:22:26 PM] I said: it can't be put in words. I don't think you understand what you can do to me.
[3/5/2008 12:22:41 PM] she says: am i hurting u?
[3/5/2008 12:22:47 PM] I said: i don't know yet
[3/5/2008 12:23:09 PM] she says: im sorry im real irresponsible now
[3/5/2008 12:23:58 PM] she says: today was my second double twelvew hour shift and im happy noones life is in my hands.. im really sorry i ll be gentle with u
[3/5/2008 12:24:19 PM] she says: im realy really dead
[3/5/2008 12:24:54 PM] she says: work sihard and tuff as can be for me..
[3/5/2008 12:25:06 PM] she says: whats up over there
[3/5/2008 12:25:21 PM] I said: I've been very busy
[3/5/2008 12:25:38 PM] I said: I don't have happy stories to tell
[3/5/2008 12:26:03 PM] she says: school?
[3/5/2008 12:26:13 PM] I said: I have a math test today
[3/5/2008 12:26:40 PM] I said: I started the English Teaching Seminar last Weekend
[3/5/2008 12:26:58 PM] she says: űwiewww
[3/5/2008 12:27:06 PM] she says: is it cool?
[3/5/2008 12:27:28 PM] I said: the teacher is cool, she is married to a turkish man.
[3/5/2008 12:27:45 PM] she says: okey..
[3/5/2008 12:28:56 PM] she says: whats the bad stuff?
[3/5/2008 12:29:20 PM] I said: there is no bad stuff
[3/5/2008 12:29:28 PM] she says: thats good
[3/5/2008 12:29:31 PM] I said: only a piece of me that is missing
[3/5/2008 12:29:51 PM] she says: glue glue glue!!!!
[3/5/2008 12:29:54 PM] I said: i shouldn't do this
[3/5/2008 12:30:22 PM] she says: talk to mee not?
[3/5/2008 12:30:39 PM] I said: what do you want to talk to me about?
[3/5/2008 12:31:43 PM] she says: tonite i dont have brains for anything i can hardly keep sending signals for breathing.. chat would be nice tomorrow sometimes maybe..
[3/5/2008 12:31:58 PM] she says: nothing in particular though
[3/5/2008 12:32:08 PM] I said: I should have waited,
[3/5/2008 12:32:36 PM] I said: when you want to talk to me I will be waiting,
[3/5/2008 12:33:27 PM] she says: i ll look for utomorrow okie?
[3/5/2008 12:33:44 PM] I said: I'm telling you.
[3/5/2008 12:34:02 PM] she says: oh i remember now i wanted to see a pic with u and ure new glasses!
[3/5/2008 12:34:41 PM] I said: When you want to call me, call me. If I am here I will answer. If you send me a text I will tell you when I can talk.
[3/5/2008 12:34:45 PM] I said: ok
[3/5/2008 12:35:05 PM] I sent file "New me.jpg" to members of this chat

[3/5/2008 12:35:22 PM] I said: it's not very good I
[3/5/2008 12:36:14 PM] she says: heee intellectual..
[3/5/2008 12:36:37 PM] she says: u look prettypleased
[3/5/2008 12:36:52 PM] she says: like somewhat happy
[3/5/2008 12:37:02 PM] I said: I was talking to you brother when I took the photo
[3/5/2008 12:37:18 PM] she says: really u guys talk again?
[3/5/2008 12:37:22 PM] she says: cool
[3/5/2008 12:37:45 PM] I said: we have talked a lot. I like to know how his work is going.
[3/5/2008 12:38:00 PM] she says: my legs are really hurting ive gotta go now
[3/5/2008 12:38:20 PM] I said: goodnight.
[3/5/2008 12:38:25 PM] she says: u are a nice bro!
[3/5/2008 12:38:48 PM] she says: have a nice day!!! kissos
[3/5/2008 12:39:01 PM] I said: please think about what you say to me before we speak again.
[3/5/2008 12:39:18 PM] she says: right
[3/5/2008 12:39:22 PM] she says: i ll try
[3/5/2008 12:39:51 PM] I said: I understand that your tired and not entirely yourself right now, it's ok, I'll be here when you want to talk.
[3/5/2008 12:40:24 PM] I said: goodnight.
[3/5/2008 12:40:30 PM] she says: good night!
[3/5/2008 12:41:02 PM] she says: thanks!



Today; 03/06/2008:
[9:55:20 AM] I said: are you well rested?
[9:56:22 AM] she says: hey! i thought about it.. I dont think we should talk yet..
[9:56:44 AM] I said: are you serious?
[9:56:59 AM] she says: i can't tell what i should say..
[9:57:16 AM] she says: i dont want to cause harm
[9:57:44 AM] she says: utold me to try to be sure of stuff i say
[9:57:52 AM] she says: well im not sure of anything
[10:00:20 AM] she says: i can't figure what is ok to talk about
[10:01:19 AM] I said: forget what I said do you want to talk to me or not?
[10:02:01 AM] she says: hate myebut i wont!
[10:02:13 AM] I said: ok
[10:02:21 AM] she says: im sorry
[10:02:29 AM] I said: goodbye
[10:02:31 AM] she says: take care


She doesn't want to hurt me but waiting for her to talk to me has been tearing me apart for the last 3 months. I've been so patient with her, I've tried so hard not to push her, but obviously I can't stop myself from trying to let her know that she is hurting me. I can't just play it cool when she talks to me in such a casual way. I'm so frustrated, I keep waiting and working and staying silent, I want to scream at her sometimes. I want to show her everything I've done since she left me. But I just can't get an opportunity, because she won't listen on my terms, I have to play on her terms.
She doesn't say 'I'll call you' she say; 'I'll look for you on skype.' What does that mean? Does it mean 'I'll call you', or does it mean 'I'm waiting for you to call me and make an of yourself again'


I'm going out on a date tomorrow, and she has no idea about it.


I don't know if I'm running out of patience with her, I just don't want to suffer for her anymore, I don't have guarantee's and I'm angry that she treats me so poorly and I continue to reassure her. I apologized for all the things I did in the past and I was sincere, I've forgiven myself as well, she needs to stop playing games with my heart and talk to me. I'm not just going to wait around for her to mess with my head again.

While she is trying to figure out what to say because she is confused I am trying to plan my life, I have big decisions riding on the way she feels, for example, do I want to buy a house this year or sell all my things and move to Europe right away. I have very good plans for doing both and a lot of reasons to do either one. Bah, I'm going to buy a house and move to Europe when I have a regular income from renters. I won't mess my life up anymore for her, if she wants me back she's going to have to wait, I'm sick of dancing for her.

Oh homesick, darlin... Don't do this to yourself. If you want to talk to her, TALK. On the phone. Don't message each other, don't text, don't email, TALK.

If you're not ready to talk to her on the phone, then don't talk to her.

You don't need this. You don't need a girl that plays with your heart. She still owns it because you haven't taken it back from her... don't let her control it, too. Don't let her keep doing this to you. She is dropping "sweetie", "kisses" and "you look good"s... don't let her do that.

Conversing with her over the internet, or whenever you cannot actually hear her voice - the inflection and tones - will only hurt you. If you feel that you desperately need to talk to her, then call her on the phone. But I agree with you. Know what you want to say before you say it... and expect the same from her.

Darlin, HEAL thyself. (My own take on Shakespeare!) Heal your heart. Don't allow her to do this to you.

I won't mess my life up anymore for her, if she wants me back she's gonna have to wait, I'm sick of dancing for her.

Dance for yourself, dear homesick, don't dance for her anymore.

"When you do dance
I wish you a wave o' the sea
that you might ever do
Nothing but that."

A Winter's Tale - Shakespeare

So what am I supposed to do? I want her to trust me again, but I keep letting her get me excited and then hurting me again and again, I'm doing it to myself because I just haven't been able to wait for her to contact me. She says she's afraid that I'm going to hurt her again, but then she just treats me like a casual guy friend or she completely shuts me out.

Why doesn't she understand that I've been suffering so much just waiting to hear her voice, and all she does is make more questions, she won't tell me what she feels she only evades me and gives me half answers. Isn't it time that she was straight with me? I bared my soul to her, and I've given her so much time to think, all I asked was that she think about what she says to me before she tramples all over my heart again. I was angry when I said that to her because it's childish of her to say things to me in such a familiar way without considering how it makes me feel.

She still has the power, she still thinks that she gets to control the situation somehow. She doesn't have any pressure on her, but I've got my future to decide, and I don't get any input from her. I'm making up my own mind. She's seen all the cards and still she wants to make me wait she needs more time to think. She has had just as much time as I have.

I want to take that power away from her, I want her to need me again. I don't want to play this jealousy game with her, but it's becoming a fact now that I don't want to put my life on hold for her. I want her to realize that if she has any desire to be with me at all she better be brave and say something about it soon because I'm not going to be waiting around forever. If I got any reassurance from her at all I'd wait until the end of time, but if she just wants to play games I'm going to walk.

Aside from that, as I said I'm going on a date tomorrow, and I'm putting too much stock in it. It will most likely amount to nothing because my heart is really not in to it right now.

I think it's ludicrous if she thinks her life is difficult now, or that this is a hard decision for her to make, I am one in a million, just like her, and I have made my own existence more painful than anybody should have to endure, all for her sake. If I could make it through the obstacle coarse of pain that I invented over the last 3 months, and still love her, then she can forgive me and take another chance on me.

I suppose that one has nothing to do with the other.

I resent that she thinks I can't understand how hard it is for her to see death and to be tired and have a hard job, why wouldn't I know about these things? I saw my grandmother die, I had to deal with the guilt of not being with her before the end because of my selfishness. I was a soldier I know all about hard work, and about responsibility and long thankless days. But whether I understand what she is struggling with is irrelevant, what matters is that I will always listen to her and offer whatever comfort I can. The comfort I offer her used to be all she needed to sleep at night with secure smile on her face, now it seems it's not good enough for her.

For now I'm going to wait again, and try to have a life in the mean time. Is this all I can do? Is this the right thing to do?

I received this today;

Underconstructiongirl to Underconstructionboy;
I try to be objective-and I don't know if we ll ever work again but I know that we have a lot of things in common that are real important. I just wanted you to know that. Take care!



It made me really angry, because this smells like bait. I'm not calling her her because I think that is exactly what she wants me to do. She wants me to call and give myself away again, when she sends this little message that appears sweet at first but apparently reveals absolutely nothing about what she feels or wants to say to me.

So I'm going to continue waiting, it hurts me so to remain silent when I have so much to say, but obviously she is not ready to put the same kind of effort into reconciliation that I am. I'm going to do my best to concentrate on other things.

If anybody has an opinion about this let me know please.

"I just wanted you to know that"?? What is THAT??

You're right, this is bait.

You're healing, you're growing, you're realizing that you are great by yourself... don't let this attempt to bait you control your reactions or emotions.

Don't let her control you. Don't give her your power. You're doing so well, getting it back for yourself, don't go backwards and let her take that power.