It has been 63 days since my ex broke up with me, since he said that he felt torn about breaking up because he loved me but he had to make this decision because he's been going through so much and should be focusing on his path in life and he couldn't support the kind of relationship he said I deserved. He was overworked, mentally drained, sick, dirt poor, and stressed about where his life was going because though he's overworked, he can't dig himself out of his finances and make it to college. It thought it was very mature of him to make a decision based on thought rather than feeling. He hasn't contacted me since, and I figured he wouldn't because he was always the honorable sort, and in his mind he thinks he would have nothing to offer me at this point in his life. I believed him with all of this. He wasn't a liar and always wanted to do what he thought was right.

We work in the same building, but we haven't had real contact in 35 days. (During that contact he was all nice.) Anyway, it's easy for me to maintain NC because I'm SCARED to death that I might run into him. So I make it a point to not go where I think he might be. Yes, even if that means missing the company Christmas party. I'm scared I will find out something that I don't want to know: Like maybe all of that honorable stuff was a bunch of crap. And that I might never know the real reason we broke up. I think NC is a good concept, but I'm afraid that my fear-driven NC could be bad. I don't know. Thoughts?

What got me started on this was because I'm sitting here in my cubicle, and he just zoomed by and looked at me out of the corner of his eye. And I'm totally freaking out... anxiety through the roof. It's been 35 days since I've been even THAT close to him, and I was just overwhelmed. He didn't even say hi. He really has no reason to walk by my desk. He could have walked the other way. And it bothers me to no end because to me it's obvious that none of this bothers him. And he's not talking to me, and it makes it feel like I did something wrong. I don't know, maybe he thinks he doesn't have a right to talk to me right now because we won't be getting together. But I can't help but think the worst... that he hates me, or worse yet, he's indifferent. It felt like a low blow when he just walked on by.

I just decided to go for a walk to clear my head because I was totally overwhelmed just seeing him. And lo and behold, who do I pass on the stairs while heading outside? Yep, my ex. Twice in one day. He was walking with a coworker, and though I was feeling really immature and wanted to walk on by... much like him... I said hi. They both said hi to me, and he actually looked at me. And I couldn't quite read the look too well. I just know it bothered me because it wasn't the happy face I remembered. Needless to say my walk wasn't a very good one.

I don't know, maybe he doesn't know how to handle this? He is pretty young after all. But actually, I don't know how I should be handling this, and I'm 8 years older than him.

Ugh... Help!

Also, I have been thinking about moving lately. Again, I know NC is good. But I can't help but feel bad because it's totally fear-based... and I'm thinking this might not be such a hot idea if I move. Not sure how to handle any of this.

Wow. Why would a guy break up with a girl because of his life situation, but then be around the girl at work and not say hi now and then when she's around?

How well do you know this guy? How long have you dated before? Are you sure he wasn't seeing anyone else? Did he ever mention the age difference between you two?

Wow. Why would a guy break up with a girl because of his life situation, but then be around the girl at work and not say hi now and then when she's around?

How well do you know this guy? How long have you dated before? Are you sure he wasn't seeing anyone else? Did he ever mention the age difference between you two?

He does say hi to me, if we actually pass each other or are in the parking lot. But he doesn't say anything when he walks by my desk.

Well, I've known him for one year. We were together for about 6 months. I was single for 2.5 years before him. I wanted to be ready for my next boyfriend. Anyway, at first I was hesitant about dating at work. But we just hung out, and I thought he was a good candidate for a boyfriend.

Oh god no, he wasn't dating anyone else. When he and I were together, he worked 65+ hours a week. He didn't have much time as it was. He spread himself really thin, and he finally quit his second job. But now, he's so poor he can barely afford food let alone manage a girl. He was the hardcore faithful type. No, he had no problem with the age difference, seeing as if I'm more of the lighthearted one in the relationship, and he is more of the old man so to speak. At 21, he drives a station wagon because of it's dependability. Lol.



Here is another of my posts:
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/ex-trouble-should-do-something-159157.html

You said: "And that I might never know the real reason we broke up. I think NC is a good concept, but I'm afraid that my fear-driven NC could be bad. I don't know. Thoughts?" Are you a glutton for punishment? Does it make any difference? You need to know why so you can fix something that was your fault?

You wrote: "I know NC is good. But I can't help but feel bad because...." No ifs, ands, or buts; NC is there to promote healing, and it doesn't really matter where you are. Your situation is complicated by the fact that you work together, but that shouldn't have any real baring on how NC works for you. At least, it doesn't in my view.

Are you a glutton for punishment? Does it make any difference? You need to know why so you can fix something that was your fault?.

I don't think I understand. Am I glutton for punishment? No, I haven't contacted him in 36 days. Before that I only contacted him only because of a medical emergency that I won't go in to. I have never called asking for him back. I have not once sent him a text or lost any dignity with him whatsoever. I would think I would be a glutton for punishment if I was constantly up his butt. But I have a life, which I maintained even while I was with him. You said: You need to know why so you can fix something that was your fault? I only know the break up reason that he told me, in which the issues were his own. If this is the case, why would he be acting funny... it leaves me wondering.


No ifs, ands, or buts; NC is there to promote healing, and it doesn't really matter where you are. Your situation is complicated by the fact that you work together, but that shouldn't have any real baring on how NC works for you. At least, it doesn't in my view. I do agree in NC, and I'm maintaining it so at least that's good. But I had two doubts. One being... my ex was kind of like a woman. He wanted you to know what he wanted, to just be totally insightful to him even if he said there was nothing wrong. So I was wondering if maybe he started hating me because I didn't chase after him when he left or beg or anything. Again, given his "reasons" for the split, maybe in his eyes I did wrong by not standing by him during a hardship when he pushed me away? The second doubt I had was not the NC itself but the fact that I've attached so much anxiety to it. It totally scares me just to see him. And I didn't know how normal or healthy that was. I mean, it sounds weird even coming out of my own mouth. That is why I thought I would mention it. Bah. I'm crazy :)

No, your not crazy. Recognise that just as in a high school breakup, you have to see the ex a lot. This stirs old feelings, and has new ones fed by your anxiety. Stop wandering about his feelings and motives, as you can only assume, but deal with your own, at this time. As for moving, don't do anything drastic without a lot of thought, and a plan. It takes time, so be patient with yourself.

No, your not crazy. Recognise that just as in a high school breakup, you have to see the ex a lot. This stirs old feelings, and has new ones fed by your anxiety. Stop wandering about his feelings and motives, as you can only assume, but deal with your own, at this time. As for moving, don't do anything drastic without a lot of thought, and a plan. It takes time, so be patient with yourself.

Nice comparison to HS relationships. I never thought of it like that, you are totally right.

I do have to stop wondering about his motives and whatever his actions might mean or not mean because they will only be my assumptions. This is where my bad habit lies I think.

Wow, thank you. You definitely gave me a good perspective and clarity to the jumbled thoughts that were swimming around in my head. Lol. Thanks Dr. Phil. Or shall I say Dr. Tal? Lol. :D