Ok... so I'm back. I have been on the boards browsing this whole time, but haven't really posted, but here I am again. Long story short... had a boyfriend... for about 9 months, he said he needed a break. We broke up and I thought I would die. I suffered and made myself and everyone around me (and on this board) crazy. After about 3 weeks, we reconciled and have been back together since sometime in June. If you view my history posts, you will find that this relationship was never really good for me, but I always hung on thinking things would change (maybe he could see the light? )... blah.. blah... So we've been back together and I thought things were going really great. He had made some changes, was def. more attentive, and our good times were really good. Fast forward to just a few days ago... Let me reiterate that I thought things were going exceptionally well between us. We had made plans to spend New Year's together and we were both excited. He gets to my house and just because I am too curious for my own good, I browsed through his phone while he was outside. I was absolutely shocked to find that there were texts back and forth between he and this girl (I have no idea who she is... ) that were inappropriate and hurtful to me.

I confront him and he freaks out, swearing that it is nothing, swearing that nothing has happened and it was simply innocent flirting. BEGS me to forgive him and give him one more chance and says "I don't want to lose you." Even calls my friend and begs her to tell me to not break up with him over this... "Nothing happened, it would be a stupid reason to break up, etc..etc."

Long story short, I cry A lot and we end up spending the night together (No sex, I just couldn't... I was devastated.) The next morning I drive him home and he asks in the car "So is this really it?" I said I didn't know. He has tried to call once that evening, but nothing since then (I didn't answer).

Here's the thing... I am really sad. This is normal, right? Anytime there is a breakup, it is sad, right? Even if it's for the best?

I just can't understand why he would do this... He did say he met this girl one time (apparently she is a friend of a friend) and they went out as a foursome while I was away for Christmas. He said it was only that one time, and NOTHING happened, just the phone stuff since then.

My question, and I am sorry that this is so long, but I am really hurting (again) here... If he was into someone else, would he beg for my forgiveness and agree to cut all contact with this other person?

Question 2: Can I really just end this already and move the hell on? Why can't I stop craving this bad relationship? I am not a stupid person... I just don't understand. I know I am afraid of the heartache... but it is inevitable, correct? Better sooner than later? I just don't know what to do.

And a final note... I think that I am okay with the breakup, and then BAM... the thought of him being with someone else comes in and I am a mess. HELP!! PLEASE!!

Any relpies would be so helpful.

We all go through the same thing where you can be fine with the thought of breakup up and like you said, BAM. You need to focus on the fact however that you don't want to be with him for a reason. He wasn't good to you he doesn't deserve you. Try putting yourself first and you'll realize you don't deserve that from anybody and the entire situation will be much easier to deal with. You may think the feeling is going to last forever but, ahem here come the clichés, it's a marathon not a race. And although now he could be with someone else you'll figure out what you deserve and what you don't.

I think it's because it's love.
And yeah, you've said it too, that the relationship was never really good or happy for you then why continue it? I'm sure if you let fate take its role you will find someone much better than your ex, who can treat a girl right.
Just look on the bright side; you're young and single! So just go out there and club the night away!

DM... thanks for your reply. It really is helpful. I just hate the thought of the heartbreak... it is truly awful.

And you are right, he probably doesn't deserve me... never really did. I just thought maybe it was getting better, and maybe he really was really realizing that I was the best thing that ever happened to him, as he said. But then this... unbelievable.

AND... if he is with someone else, it shouldn't really matter, right? Because if he was a user jerk to me, he will be to her and the next one and the next one, right?

ANY OTHER THOUGHTS?? ALL REPLIES ARE SO WELCOME!!

I went through the same situation after I graduated college in may. My ex started acting really distant and didn't care anymore, she figured I'd just always be around. And I kept telling myself it would get better but it never did. And if what he's doing texting that other girl seems wrong and your gut tells you that then you have to trust yourself. Like I said, in the end when you put yourself first everything else will fall into place.

My gut definitely tells me that it is not right. It's just amazing how things were going so great for us... and then this. It is just so hurtful. And then for him to beg for me to not leave him? Keep begging buddy.. (Although after that one unanswered call... nothing more from him as of yet.) We had a couple's spa weekend planned with reservations and all... and when I dropped him off New Year's Day, he asked like he was just dumbfounded "So we're not going??" WHAT? Are you kidding me? What the hell is wrong with him?

When will I just feel OK with this... I know in my head it is probably best to just really be done... but my heart hurts. It didn't have to be like this. What an idiot. He lost so much in me... I just hope he knows it one day, even if it's just not yet.

My gut definitely tells me that it is not right.

Yep, go with the gut.

You must not have trusted him too much to go through his phone... and then you found that he was secretly talking to some girl, whom he even met. A lie by omission is still a lie. So you caught him lying. So what makes you think he isn't lying when he says he will cut all contact with her? Flat out, this guy doesn't deserve your trust and doesn't deserve you.

Thank you to those have replied so far... KEEP IT COMING PLEASE!

I swear I am OK UNTIL the thoughts of him with someone (anyone) else come in... and then I start re-playing those text messages in my head and I am crazed again. Wish I could just get rid of the thoughts altogether. Bottom line, LET HIM be with someone else... she'll never be me, no matter who she is... (and he couldn't possibly be all that into her if he was begging me not to leave him, right? ) Let him figure out through being with someone who is not me that he really did lose the best thing that ever happened to him, am I right here??

Maybe it really was harmless flirting as he said, and nothing will ever come of it... but that doesn't change the fact that he's an idiot for jeopardizing what we had and losing me. Yes??

What I want to ask is... when were the text messages sent/received? Were they when you two were broken up, or was it after you two got back together?

If it's while you two were broken up, then really... what he was doing was OK... as long as he stopped all that mess as soon as you two got back together. If he continued it, then yes. Uh oh.

His motives and actions are no longer important to you, they are just painful memories. Know that, and shift the focus to you, and what makes you happy, now. Don't sit and mope, we all have to deal with our own feelings, so it may be a while before you can let go, but its up to you to cope. Positive actions are what recommended to help move on, despite the pain. Click on the links in my signature, and get some ideas, and positive actions.

Part of me want to tell you that you are better off without him. But part of me tells me he had learnt his lesson.

It is true that sticking with your instincts would be a good way to make the right decision. But I hope your instincts did not come about because you are angry, remorseful, or bringing up the past to judge him now.

Undeniably, many of us enjoy the external attention we get aside from our partners. Some of such events may just lead us to take a quick smile and turn back to our partners; while others might make us feel like we want to know the person more.

Your boyfriend was weak and he fell prey to this initial attraction. Perhaps the other woman led him on by giving him praises that flattered him, so he unintentionally got into a "verbal fling" with her.

I did not read about your history here, so I am not judging based on any of that. Just basing on what he did and how he felt regretful about it (he sounded very sorry even though he did not see her nor slept with her etc), I think he had understood his mistake.

If u got back with him despite all the ups and downs you had, perhaps the relationship is stronger than you think. But then again, if the relationship was going so well, why did you check his phone at the first place? It's a bet that you have got to take.

P.S. The reason he did not contact you yet is probably due to the time when you did not pick up his call. He might be waiting for you to cool off. Or maybe he is pissed that you over-reacted.

ISNEEZE... No, we were together when these texts were sent and received. And strangely enough, things were going exceptionally well between us and I was under the impression that we were on the same page about the state of our relationship. That is why it is so hurtful that he would choose to interact with someone else, on whatever level it was.

LAVENDERLY... Was he regretful, yes. Did he beg for my forgiveness and ask me to please not leave him, yes. However, I don't think I over-reacted. This behavior is unacceptable to me on any level. He did see her once while I was out of town, though he swears nothing happened and I tend to believe that simply because of his reactions to me when he knew how upset I was about it.

Do you think that he'll try to contact me again? And if he doesn't, should I assume that we are truly through? Maybe it is for the best after all... but it still hurts. I just didn't see this coming and can't understand. It certainly was not that he was neglected for attention from me. I just think he was selfish... something I can get past and ever trust him again? Not so sure. The fact that I checked on him and actually found something is scary to me... what if I hadn't?

Do you think that he'll try to contact me again?
Probably, ignore him!!
And if he doesn't, should I assume that we are truely through?
You can be through right now, whether he contacts you or not.
Maybe it is for the best after all....but it still hurts.
Yes it does hurt, but you learned something about him.
I just didn't see this coming and can't understand.
Deal with the reality of finding this side of him. You where fooled, but now you know.
It certainly was not that he was neglected for attention from me.
That's why you can't understand, you thought everything was great.
I just think he was selfish....something I can get past and ever trust him again? Not so sure. The fact that I checked on him and actually found something is scary to me....what if I hadn't?
It takes years of good solid behavior on his part for you to regain trust, and you where correct in being cautious of this relationship, after finding out the scary truth. What you do with the knowledge is up to you, I would stay out of unhealthy, scary relationships period.

Tal... you are so right. (And you were sooo right the first time I was going through this... I sooo should have listened.) I could not/can not find a single solitary person (friends, family, even strangers who heard the story) to support my relationship with this guy. But in my heart, I so thought it could maybe work out. I started to believe him when he told me that I was the best thing that ever happened to him, how I was the best girlfriend ever, etc, etc... I know that he def. took me for granted (he has even admitted this.)

My question is... (even though I know it shouldn't even matter, but it does) is: This is who he is right? This was not just him being a jerk to me because I allowed him to be, right? This means he is just a plain jerk, and will be to whomever he is with correct? And it is just a matter of time until he crashes and burns and maybe then he will realize how much he truly lost in me?? I can honestly say that I cannot take him back anymore... enough is enough (and if you knew how he spoke about my little son, and flipped back and forth between saying he would try to have a relationship with him and then told me that he would "never care for him, that he's just another kid to him"... ) ALL OF THIS... yet my heart still hurts. It just doesn't seem fair or normal to be suffering again because of him. I just want him to hurt and realize what a loser he really is.

I would never want anyone that I cared for to be involved with someone like this or to put up with any of the stuff I did... Yet I did... WHY?

Am I normal at all??

Wanted to add... somehow I thought it was great that we had gotten back together... Somehow I thought that it was great that I had been the one to "get him back" as so many ask on these boards... and I truly thought that he and I were different and could get it together... then to hurt like this again? UNFAIR. This needs to be the end... Please help me to be strong and make this be the end...

These texts/communication that I found have only been going on since just before Christmas... so we did have months in between getting back together and anything "fishy" going on... (because I checked periodically... I know, I know, this was wrong, but I was so afraid of getting burned again). The communications have been going on for about a week though and we have been getting on great for what I thought was months... why would he start this crap? For attention? WHAT AN IDIOT!! And then to beg for my forgiveness? I don't think so. Not after hurting me this bad... not this time.

If that is your decision, u will do well as u seemed to be a determined person.
The crucial key here is to WANT to end it. There really are more things in life than a relationship. Try to think of other things and focus on issues that do not require thinking by the heart, but rather thinking using the brains.

A short while of feeling detached with your emotions can be of help. Think rational, not emotional. U are stronger than u imagine.

Following your heart, got you kicked in the teeth, Try no contact and go through the pain until it doesn't hurt anymore.

Best way to get over some one is to deal with it. Its funny, I have this gut feeling about my ex and I'm usually right but I have this gut feeling she will try to make a return. If I hadn't done know contact I wouldn't of been able to take myself out of the situation and look at it from the outside. I have giving myself time to move on, although not there yet but in the process. So for me my feelings are being delt with and you should do the same. Move on is such a tough thing to accept but when you are left with no other option it will become reality, no contact is good for this. Having ZERO contact is the best way to go. Even if you want him back just know it just won't work. Its weird, people on here say they are a "EX" for a reason. This statement could not be any better. THey are a EX and leave them that way. It might not of been you but in any case a EX should stay EX'D

So it's been a rough morning... the weekend is here in a few hours and we had amazing plans together, which I have since cancelled. I have not tried to contact (nor will I) and I have not heard anything from his side either (for this I guess I should actually be grateful.) It is really hard knowing that we were to be together and have such great plans this weekend and he totally ruined everything because of his selfish stupidity. (not the first time... ) Anyway... my head knows the pain will not last forever, but my heart is not on board yet. It's definitely better than last breakup where I didn't even want to function... but it is still awful. Wish I had a timeline where I would know that officially on whatever day it is, the heartache would just be gone. And whenever that is, (if it truly does ever come,) it will not be soon enough. This is horrible.

Asher123 (?) has a timeline, I believe, in his No Contact/Breaking-up piece. I don't recall the specifics, but then it will not help you today anyway. As you know, there is no magic wand or elixir to remove heartache.

You wrote: "He did say he met this girl one time... and they went out...one time, and NOTHING happened, just the phone stuff since then." Was that this Christmas?

Question 1: You wrote: "If he was into someone else, would he beg for my forgiveness and agree to cut all contact with this other person?" I guess I don't understand, "into someone else". I apologize, but when he saw how upset you were, shouldn't he apologize? Wouldn't his apology indicate that he was not into her?

Question 2: "...Why can't I stop craving this bad relationship? I am not a stupid person....I just don't understand." I think we tend to develop habits of behavior, some that are healthy and some not so healthy. Heartbreak is caused by a lack of mutuality in the relationship, as I understand it. Perhaps you have been putting too much into the relationship and have ignored doing things that are best for you.

This breakup is not ordinary, is it? Usually what happens is the breaker is less involved and has the easier time of it; in your situation, you are dumping him because he stepped across acceptable lines of behavior; or would you say he dumped you when he got into the text messaging relationship?

George... Hi and thanks for your reply. Yes... this whole incident began (as much as I know) this Christmas. I realize that it is only about 2 weeks worth...

The "into her" reference comes specifically from a text that I saw. She says "It felt like a breakup over the phone." He says "You shouldn't feel that way, I'm into you." (There was some more meaningless garble after that... but now you see the reference.) When I asked him about the communication, he said that it was just "friendly flirting" and that he didn't understand where the whole "breakup" she mentioned was even coming from. He said "it isn't even like that or anything even close."

Yet he said "I'm into you." Now I realize that words are easy, but that was incredibly hurtful to me. Did he apologize profusely and beg for me not to leave him, Absolutely. But is that enough? Of course I was upset... and he apologized... but why the hell would he do it in the first place??

You are probably (most definitely) right... I did put too much of myself into this relationship. Just never thought it would hurt this badly... (stupid.)

And yes, this breakup is not typical. Usually the breaker is better off... but I wasn't anticipating an end... and at the very least, not like this. Do I think that he ended it when he started the communication (and went out the one time) with the other girl? NO. I think he liked the attention and wasn't planning on getting caught. I am not sure if he planned to pursue her any further... I just don't know. (Your thoughts? ) I think not because if he was so interested in someone else, WOULD he have begged as hard for me as he did? If he wanted her anyway, wouldn't he have been like... Ok whatever, it's fine, let's end it? (Your thoughts again, please?! )

I think breakups are horrible no matter who does the breaking. But I am definitely suffering and hope that he gets his. This is just unfair.

I am not sure if he planned to pursue her any further...I just don't know. (Your thoughts??) I think not because if he was so interested in someone else, WOULD he have begged as hard for me as he did?? If he wanted her anyway, wouldn't he have been like....Ok whatever, it's fine, let's end it?? (Your thoughts again, please??!!)

I mean, yeah sure texting that might be wrong, but he took it a step further and hung out with her. In my opinion, whether he ended it wouldn't matter. It's the fact that he started something. Who's to say he won't do this down the road? Can you sit there and tell me that you would trust him, which means NOT go through his phone/email/etc and totally let it go?

Much of what is said in email and text messaging is without context, body language, and emotion; I don't really know how much of any of it one can rely on. "Why he did it in the first place" is one of those important questions you may want to ask him if and when you have your next 'heart-to-heart' discussion. There is no way to know how far he would pursue her, or how far she would pursue him. I am curious: who asked whom for the phone number, or was it given to one of them by a third party; a second question in a 'heart-to-heart'.
Were you two 'exclusive'? And does 'exclusive' survive after a near breakup? Actually, I think he has feeling for you and found the Christmas event enticing, exciting, energizing. I am not saying it was right, but he may have just gotten himself into something that went too fast and a bit out of his control. You know more about his loyalty and respect for you than anyone.

Could we ever survive this? Maybe... but would I ever be able to trust and not have the impulses to check up on him and stuff? Probably not. I would be too afraid of getting hurt yet again.

George, I agree that much can be said in words over the phone/texting without much emotion or at the very least, commitment to do as you say you might... but it doesn't change the fact that I was his loving girlfriend who did and gave him the world... Do I have other responsibilities, of course... that is just life. But I was a really great girlfriend to him... He said it all the time. And to put that in jeopardy for the excitement or whatever, is just plain stupid, and I just don't think I can forgive it for how much it hurts. I'm not sure how phone numbers were exchanged, there is def. the possibility that it was given by a third party. He told me that it was a "set-up by a mutual friend" situation. Bottom line, we were in an exclusive relationship... we both knew that, and how he could screw it up for the attention or whatever he thought it may or may not be is just beyond me. By the way... I did ask "Why he would do it in the first place" (multiple times, when I caught him... It was the only question I had... Why? Why? Why?) He said he didn't know why he did it and that it was just a really stupid thing and it totally didn't mean anything to him. He also said it was a really stupid reason to breakup because nothing even happened and nothing was going to... (back to the "Friendly Flirting" reference.) So... was it truly for the attention or would it/could it have/will it now turn into more? I don't know. (Thoughts?! ) My feeling is, if he is going to take things further with her at this point, GOOD LUCK. She definitely won't be me... and let her be the backup plan... I bet she wouldn't be so happy if she knew that once I had found out, he was begging for me and called her a stupid mistake. Good Luck with that.

He lost the best thing in me... and I just hope he realizes it one day, even if it's not right now. And I hope when he does, I am strong enough to just walk away. Horrible.

I haven't read what anyone else has posted... but...

What if you did stay with him? Would you actually want to deal with this stuff all the time? Cause honestly, he won't change (unless he decides to himself).

I'd say, save your dignity and self esteem and get rid of him. Easier said then done, yes... but honestly I have the clear head in this situation and you don't. So ultimatley it is easier to make this decision rather then you making it on your own. I find it useful to ask for advice from people with a clear head (hence what you've done- which is great)

If you do decide to break it off with him, read my last thread on "the beauty of letting go - NC works"

Good luck

Thanks again to all who have replied... It is more helpful than you know. I am aware that my head is not right in order to be making the absolute most rational decision on this... so I am thankful for all input from people who can see more clearly than I.

I keep wondering why he is not contacting me. I know I shouldn't care... but I just want him to figure out what he lost. Does he think that breaking up is for the best? When will he realize? When will I stop hurting?

Is it a women thing to wonder if he is thinking about her, or when he will contact her? That is a question I just have been wondering since I read that a lot.

The best thing to do is to simply say "he is not mine anymore, and I don't really care what he does" this works good for when you start thinking of him and other women as well as him doing anything that may make you jealous. Cause immediately when things like that would pop in my head about my ex I thought "she isn't mine anymore, and I really don't care" and it actually worked. Hell, go out and do something that you don't think he would have approved of. Go talk to 20 guys, today. Just say hey, talk to them and meet them. Find a replacement but DO NOT GO ON A REBOUND RELATIONSHIP! Cause they usually don't work.

Go to a bookstore today and get "Why Men Love es" by Sherry Argov... read it, and read it again.

Holey crap... Allison is that you? Is HurtingBadly = Allison?

My name is Mike, and I was in a relationship just like the one you described. I mean... almost to the "T". As the guy, I was talking to other girls and going out of my way to meet them... etc. I didn't really like them but I wanted to see what else was out there, despite the fact that I had this unbelievable GF at home.

I broke up with her before, but got back together because I thought "wow im so stupid for breaking up with such a great girl!" But the same things happened again. I was looking around and I left her in pain and misery.

She ended up breaking up with me 2 weeks before Christmas, and asked for no contact. During those 2-3 weeks, I discovered a LOT about myself. I realized that I was looking at other girls because I was a perfectionist, and I was trying so hard to find the perfect one. I was nit-picking at every little detail. I had my girlfriend walking on egg shells. I didn't take the time to stop and think about all the great things she had to offer.

After the time apart, we got back together, and so far so good! I learned to stop nit picking so much, and she is working on her negative attitude/stubborness. We will be going to couples counceling soon.

So I don't think all is lost, but I do think you need to have some no contact, no matter how hard it is. If he moves on, then let him move on because that means he doesn't have feelings for you and therefore isn't worth your time. But if he doesn't (and I honestly don't think he will), then he will have time to think about everything and figure things out. Don't tell him you will wait for him, don't tell him the break is for him, just say YOU need time to think and need space for yourself for a while. THEN DO IT, and don't crack. If you can do it, you will both be better off.

EuRa/Mike... No my name is not Allison... but thanks anyway for your post. You give me hope that in time, even if it's not now, he will see what a true idiot he is. (I can only hope that I am really gone by then.)

I am happy that your relationship seems to be working out. They take work and commitment... something that I feel my ex (or whatever he is at this point, since we haven't officially said the words "broken up" although there's been no contact so that's my take on it) lacks. He's 32 and has never been in a relationship longer than 2 years... has emotional issues and is overall, pretty much a loser. Did I/Do I love him anyway... yup. (Stupid me... )

I can only hope the pain will go away and I will be strong enough to make the right decision.

I am thinking from your post that your take is that even if he is pursuing this other thing, it won't be what he wants in time and he'll see that he let his amazing girlfriend go? Is this an accurate summary? It would just make me feel better to know that he finally will see what he has lost in me, especially if I am not there to pick up the pieces this time.

One final note... I have already started NC since New Year's Day. He has not tried to contact me but once on that day... nothing since. I know NC is helping me... What do you think it's doing for him? My hope is that he is actually thinking... but I fear that might not be the case... (Any thoughts?) I won't be contacting him to tell him of the break/breakup... he can figure that out from my not contacting him, yes?

Holey crap... Allison is that you? Is HurtingBadly = Allison?

My name is Mike, and I was in a relationship just like the one you described. I mean... almost to the "T". As the guy, I was talking to other girls and going out of my way to meet them... etc. I didn't really like them but I wanted to see what else was out there, despite the fact that I had this unbelievable GF at home.

I broke up with her before, but got back together because I thought "wow im so stupid for breaking up with such a great girl!" But the same things happened again. I was looking around and I left her in pain and misery.

She ended up breaking up with me 2 weeks before Christmas, and asked for no contact. During those 2-3 weeks, I discovered a LOT about myself. I realized that I was looking at other girls because I was a perfectionist, and I was trying so hard to find the perfect one. I was nit-picking at every little detail. I had my gf walking on egg shells. I didn't take the time to stop and think about all the great things she had to offer.

After the time apart, we got back together, and so far so good! I learned to stop nit picking so much, and she is working on her negative attitude/stubborness. We will be going to couples counceling soon.

So I don't think all is lost, but I do think you need to have some no contact, no matter how hard it is. If he moves on, then let him move on because that means he doesnt have feelings for you and therefore isnt worth your time. But if he doesnt (and i honestly dont think he will), then he will have time to think about everything and figure things out. Don't tell him you will wait for him, dont tell him the break is for him, just say YOU need time to think and need space for yourself for a while. THEN DO IT, and dont crack. If you can do it, you will both be better off.


After these few weeks of no contact; did you break the cycle or did she? Can you explain this cause I am in this same boat. Been NC for 2 weeks now.

All right here's the deal.

At 32, he never had a relationship last longer than 2 years? Wow. Does he by any chance jump from relationship to relationship? Sounds insecure to me.

You sound so much like allison... haha! "Im an awesome girlfriend, when will he realize it". You know what? You might be! You very well could be, I don't doubt that at all. But are you the right girlfriend for this guy? Is he the right guy out there that deserves your attention, love, and support?

This break isn't just about him, it's about YOU! It's also to help YOU decide what's right and for YOU to determine what to do next in YOUR life.

Right now, here's what happened: You had a relationship, you gave it your all, maybe he did or not (doesn't matter), and now it's time for both of you to decide what to do next. That decision can't be made in one day. It can't be made in 1 week. But with passing time, it WILL become obvious of what that answer is.

You can't worry about him or what he does or what he wants. His answer will be shown to you within time. But you can worry about 50% of the relationship, and all that is on your end. So now it's time for you to reflect on it. What parts did you like? What parts didn't you like? Why or why not? Make a journal, write it down. If you find parts about yourself that you didn't like, then work on fixing them!

This is a great time for you for personal reflection! Every time you think about him or want to talk to him, I suggest calling a friend or family member, or better yet, writing it down in a journal or diary or whatever you want to call it. OR WRITE HERE! We're here for advice and support. We've all gone through tought times at one point or another.

I like you. I like how you think and I like what you did. I think you are in control, and you can maintain that control if you want to. These next few days/weeks are YOURS! So do with them what you can. I have confidence in you and your decisions. :)

After these few weeks of no contact; did you break the cycle or did she? can you explain this cause I am in this same boat. Been NC for 2 weeks now.
I sent you a PM because I want this thread to be about the poor girl in question, not me. :)

EuRA/Mike - Thank you so much for your reply. (Although I'm not so sure about the "Poor Girl" reference to the other post! LOL! )

I hope that you are right... I hope that it becomes clearer. I wish I could just stay angry and get on with it... there just seems to be so many variables. (And the thought of there being someone else, whether there really is or isn't at this point drives me absolutely mad.) Bottom line, He's the idiot.

I am sad... but I know I'll be OK (eventually)

I like how you think I am in control... I guess I am... but it sure as hell sucks anyway! I appreciate your thoughts... (and all others)... Keep them coming Please!!

You know what, if he moves on with someone else, that's his choice. It might be wrong, it might be right, but he's a free human being that is allowed to make whatever choice they want to make. If you wanted to go to work on Monday, wearing a clown costume and telling off your boss, you are free to do that. It doesn't mean it's a wise choice. :P

Too often you are worrying about him, worrying about him, worrying about him... but you should be CARING about you! Subconsciously, you should feel bad and down a little, and that's normal, we all go through it. But consciously, you should say "HEY! Im SAD! I have to make myself better! I have to cheer my subconscious side up, or do whatever it takes to better myself!" You have to be your own best friend. Take care of yourself, do unto yourself as you would have yourself do unto you... haha.

Once you love yourself more, you will learn more about yourself. You don't need a man to make you happy or to define who you are. Hell, what you need if anything is a rebound. GO ON A DATE! Post on craigslist or search on it. Add a picture! You will get responses so fast, you'll wonder what to do with yourself. Just don't go too fast with anyone you meet!

Then once you get out, and you realize how wanted you are, you will see all the choices you have in life. Women are so lucky in life. They don't have to do much to get noticed. A little flirt here and there, and they have our attention in a heartbeat!

Ok... so I am looking for a little more support and TLC from everyone! Had a pretty good weekend... (Surprisingly enough... ) Even had a date... (It was a great time, but I do have to admit that my heart was not really in it... )

NC for almost a week... Still wonder what he's thinking... (even though I know I shouldn't care... )

Any thoughts?

Go on another date, and put your heart in it. Practice makes perfect. Hey, your still freshly wounded, and the more fun you have, the quicker you heal. And the less you think about whathisface.

Thanks Tal... I so appreciate your input. I just wish I could get him out of my head and heart for good. I hope I'm still in his..

Anyone else?

MORE DATING!

He won't change unless he has time alone to think about changing. OR... he may never change. But it's not fair to you if you have to sit around and wait for him. I guarantee that there are dozens more guys JUST LIKE HIM out there looking for a girl like you. It sucks knowing you found what you want, but he doesn't want it in return. But while you are still young, you need to go out and get someone new while the getting is good! It might suck to have to start all over again with someone else, but that's also part of the fun! :)

My god... Why is this so hard? I have a super-full life... Great friends and family... a good job, an amazing little son (he's 3 and was always part of the boyfriend drama... ) A FULL LIFE... how is it that after a week, this guy is still dominating my thoughts? I don't get it. HELP!

I think what you are describing is like an emotional addiction. What you do to adjust for that is develop coping strategies. It could be NC, calling a friend, writing in a journal or here, or going on a date, etc. The activity is a means to and end. Your memories are almost like ghosts; they are almost haunting. Do you find that you talk to yourself aloud? The only cures are lobotomy or the passage of lots of time. Give yourself plenty of room to adjust to the loss in your life. Then the mind plays its tricks: that the breakup was your fault, or just a quick call or text won't really hurt anything. You will be fine, just be patient.

George... thank you. I BELIEVE YOU when you say I will be fine... It is just really hard letting go for good. It is definitely like more of an addiction than I could ever have imagined... and like a drug or whatever... so bad for me... yet I keep wanting to go back for more.

I only hope that he is hurting too... (as vicious as that sounds... ) and that he is having a hard time coping too... I hope he already knows what he lost. I hope...

Any other thoughts?

You wrote: "yet I keep wanting to go back for more." I feel your pain, as they say. Some years ago I was a tobacco addict; it took many times, but the way I got free was by separating each smoke to where eventually I was smoking only 3 or for a day; it is a form of self-denial, much like NC. You make incremental progress and really are not aware of the progress until it happens. It has been 25 years since I smoked, but I would smoke a cigarette right now if it weren't so harmful and expensive. That is what my ex is: harmful and expensive (not talking about money); and I've managed to separate myself with NC, six weeks today. Even so, it feels like emotionally 'crawling', not walking; more like rehab. NC is like 'cold turkey'; lots of parallels. Be patient.

I am practicing NC as well... and I agree that it is the right way to go, even though it is SO HARD!

I just hope they are suffering too... I just hope.

I only hope that he is hurting too...(as vicious as that sounds...) and that he is having a hard time coping too.....I hope he already knows what he lost. I hope....

Any other thoughts??
Well if it makes you feel any better, it's completely impossible for him to go from a long-term relationship, to not even thinking about it the next day. I was in a 2 month relationship, which was HORRIBLE (she got crazier and crazier everyday), and even when that ended, I thought about her almost daily for a week or two. I hoped she was OK and I hoped this and that. I didn't want to get back together with that psycho (hah), but I couldn't just rid her from my mind either.

I guarantee you that this guy in question constantly thinks about you as well. But will he change? Is he too selfish to change? Only time will tell. Time is your best weapon as long as you allow it to do its job!

If your gut is telling you its not right then its not right, he will tell you whatever you want to hear, and don't be naïve, if he could be so inconsiderate and say some of the things that he said to her in texts, what makes you think he doesn't want her, do you think he just sends texts just to send them?

Thanks again to all for their input.

Rob... thank you as well. But I need to retort. I don't think he was/is interested in this other person. If he were, why would he beg me to not leave him? I think he really liked the extra attention and didn't envision getting caught. He is just that selfish.

By the way... I am NC for 1 week and I am OK (not great, but OK.) And I am almost positive that his best friend contacted me for info. On where we stand... just a hunch, but I am pretty sure.

I WILL GET THROUGH THIS NO MATTER WHAT!!

Yeah I hear you, its hard enough being in the military and being out in the middle of nowhere, I understand what its like to be crazy about someone. My wife and my daughter are the best things that ever happened to me, and without them I don't know where I would be. Well I wish you all the best and hope everything works out for you in the end.

Thanks for the support. Everything really does work out the way it's supposed to in the end right? I have always had faith in this, but it is hard when your heart hurts so...

Yeah only thing that can heal that broken heart is lots of time, good thing I've grown older and had a second chance at life an marriage and having a family, you really learn to appreciate things when you get older :D

Any more thoughts anyone? NC NC NC NC... I am doing it... but it is hard. GET OUT OF MY HEAD YOU SELFISH JERK!

Wish I knew why I keep wondering what his NC is all about!! I am to stay away from him even though I'm the one who ended it, right? (Even though neither of us officially said the words... ) Think he's still waiting for me to contact first? I have in the past, for sure... (Seems like we are always playing this "game"... )

NC is personal for you; it doesn't matter who ended it or how. If you have in the past, then... you figure it out. Breathe slower... patience. You will be fine. What is your favorite hobby?

Any more thoughts anyone? NC NC NC NC.....I am doing it....but it is hard. GET OUT OF MY HEAD YOU SELFISH JERK!!

Wish I knew why I keep wondering what his NC is all about!!! I am to stay away from him even though I'm the one who ended it, right? (Even though neither of us officially said the words....) Think he's still waiting for me to contact first? I have in the past, for sure.....(Seems like we are always playing this "game"....)

Stop playing the game, it ain't fun is it.

Ok...so I'm back. I have been on the boards browsing this whole time, but haven't really posted, but here I am again. Long story short.....had a bf....for about 9 months, he said he needed a break. We broke up and I thought I would die. I suffered and made myself and everyone around me (and on this board) crazy. After about 3 weeks, we reconciled and have been back together since sometime in June. If you view my history posts, you will find that this relationship was never really good for me, but I always hung on thinking things would change (maybe he could see the light??)...blah..blah... So we've been back together and I thought things were going really great. He had made some changes, was def. more attentive, and our good times were really good. Fast forward to just a few days ago.....Let me reiterate that I thought things were going exceptionally well between us. We had made plans to spend New Year's together and we were both excited. He gets to my house and just because I am too curious for my own good, I browsed through his phone while he was outside. I was absolutely shocked to find that there were texts back and forth between he and this girl (I have no idea who she is...) that were inappropriate and hurtful to me.

I confront him and he freaks out, swearing that it is nothing, swearing that nothing has happened and it was simply innocent flirting. BEGS me to forgive him and give him one more chance and says "I don't want to lose you." Even calls my friend and begs her to tell me to not break up with him over this..."Nothing happened, it would be a stupid reason to break up, etc..etc."

Long story short, I cry ALOT and we end up spending the night together (No sex, I just couldn't....I was devastated.) The next morning I drive him home and he asks in the car "So is this really it?" I said I didn't know. He has tried to call once that evening, but nothing since then (I didn't answer).

Here's the thing.....I am really sad. This is normal, right? Anytime there is a breakup, it is sad, right? Even if it's for the best?

I just can't understand why he would do this.....He did say he met this girl one time (apparently she is a friend of a friend) and they went out as a foursome while I was away for Christmas. He said it was only that one time, and NOTHING happened, just the phone stuff since then.

My question, and I am sorry that this is so long, but I am really hurting (again) here.....If he was into someone else, would he beg for my forgiveness and agree to cut all contact with this other person?

Question 2: Can I really just end this already and move the hell on?? Why can't I stop craving this bad relationship? I am not a stupid person....I just don't understand. I know I am afraid of the heartache...but it is inevitable, correct? Better sooner than later?? I just don't know what to do.

And a final note...I think that I am okay with the breakup, and then BAM...the thought of him being with someone else comes in and I am a mess. HELP!!!!!! PLEASE!!!!

Any relpies would be so helpful.
This hurt that happens with him won't end but the hurt you feel without him will. Do ANYTHING to keep your mind off this. Make a list of pros and cons about him and the relatinship. Do one about yourself and pick a place to start working on yourself. Read, ANYTHING. A good friend told me once to spoil myself. It doesn't mean spend all your money but do facials, your nails etc. Call friends go for a walk, find a hobby you like, talk to us on this site. But overall don't stay with someone if they treat you worse then they do their friends or family. If they are good to the people the love and care about they don't really care about you, if they are bad to these people they really have a problem. You were smart enough to ask for help so you must be a intelligent person. You hang in once time goes by this will get easier, you may always love him but you will find someone who loves you.

I agree that the hurt will probably never end if this thing continues. Yet I know in my head that it WILL end at some point if I just muster through the heartbreak. It is just tough.

This guy has like zero friends... (probably because he turns off anyone with a brain... Where is my brain when it comes to him? ) and isn't all that great to his own family.
Pretty telling I suppose.

I know I will get through this... but I am still having a hard time.

Any more thoughts, anyone?

How do you get away from someone who you know is just bad?

What do you do when your heart and your head CAN'T Agree??

So a great friend of mine works with him and she had to spend some time at a meeting with him yesterday. She said he looks and acts absolutely miserable. She said if she didn't know what was going on, she would have asked him if his dog had died!

I get some solace in the fact that he is hurting... is that awful?!

It's been 9 days NC and it is OK... not great, but OK.

It's just nice to know that he's not living it up without me. MAYBE he realizes what a complete idiot he is and what he lost in me...

Time to move on for me?

So a great friend of mine works with him and she had to spend some time at a meeting with him yesterday. She said he looks and acts absolutely miserable. She said if she didn't know what was going on, she would have asked him if his dog had died!

She should have asked him, 'What's up?"

I get some solace in the fact that he is hurting... is that awful?!

Not at all.

MAYBE he realizes... what he lost in me...

I hope you believe that because it is very important.

Time to move on for me?

Let's get to 90 days and reassess.

Thank you again for your replies...

George... I will make it to 90 days... (I sincerely hope.)
And more than anything... I do believe that he lost so much in me... I really do believe that and that I deserve better...

It is hard... It comes and goes... 90 days... here I come?!

I know in my head that I am the one holding the power (I think) since I have remained NC... but I still feel... Well... POWERLESS.

Why is this so hard?

1. Move on!!
2. It is normal to cry about it, but in the end you will find out it was best for the two of you to move on. I was stuck on a guy like that. He kept playing games and I just got tired of it. So now Im happily married with a totally different guy and he really appreciates what he has.

It is so hard I know I am going through a similar situation with my ex.. It feels like we are always playing mind games and he too is a selfish jerk. My advice is if you can keep with the no contact because if you do contact him you will feel good for a while but in the long run you will be worse of trust me it is better to have "power" in these situations. I gave in and contacted him and though I thought it was what I wanted I feel I'm back to square one now and I had made so much progress since the break up. It will definitely work out in the end though, it gives me comfort knowing that there is someone so much better out there because this is definitely not as good as its going to get. Also go on dates!I found this combined with no contact works really well

Thinking about sending a text that just says "I miss us"

Am I crazy? Need some help here...

9th day NC... Is it getting easier? Sometimes, I guess.

Still wondering why he's not calling... and what he's thinking... I already heard he is pretty unhappy...

Why is this so damn hard? I don't know what to think anymore.

Don't mean to repeat myself but I believe it is a form of addiction, a dependency, a mind-game. The only two cures I can think of are either a sedative or No Contact. It's kind of like relearning to walk, except the 'walking' is doing what is best for you and getting away from an expensive and possibly destructive relationship.

George... thank you again. You are so right about this being an expensive and yes, destructive relationship to me.

Day 9 of NC and I'm going to make it... It's just harder than others sometimes. Still wonder what he's thinking/feeling and hope it's JUST AS HARD FOR HIM. (Think I'm nuts? )

Like I said, I've always chased before, so I'm thinking that's what he's waiting for.

What you are feeling is perfectly understandable and normal. There is no doubt in my mind that you love him very much and he loves you too. Its just that guys think differently than girls, they love, but they don't get attatched the way we girls do. Commitment is something a lot of guys don't even want to think about, so they feel being unfaithful isn't as terrible as most girls believe it to be. I am not saying this involves every woman and every man, but its usually the way it goes. I know too much about men mistreating women in my family, my sisters, aunts and mom have all been physically abused and mentally abused. It has nothing to do with them, it has to do with the men who have insecurity issues and blame their faults on their gfs. Your boyfriend is unfaithful to you because he probably feels badly about who he is already, it has nothing to do with you. I think there is somebody perfect out there for every single human being. You'll find someone!

Thanks for your reply. Though I don't believe he actually "cheated", what he did ruined any thoughts of how I think we could have continued... just so selfish and stupid. I think he really just liked the extra attention.

Whatever the case, I think you are right when you say it is in him and has very little to do with me... but it's still hard. It hurts so.

I know I deserve better... but I really do hurt.

So I'm doing all the right things... NC for 13 days so far... (Nothing from him either :( )

I am talking to someone else... (a good guy... second date tonight and plans for the upcoming weekend... )

Why is he still in my head so much? I wake up with that pit in my stomach... and switch from feeling pretty OK to REALLY awful throughout the day.

I wonder (all the time) what he's thinking... It's obsessive.

I wonder if he thinks we are truly broken up or just on another break so that things can cool down or whatever... (since we didn't officially say the words "It's Over" this time.)

I constantly wonder why he's not contacting me...

I promise I won't contact him... but want to know why it is so easy for him to let me go, if he truly has this time...

It's only been 2 weeks... but it feels like forever...

Input anyone? You've all been so helpful so far...

EuRa? What happened to you? Needing your thoughts!

I just want to be OK again... Heartbreak is the worst! I hope he is feeling it too...

Anyone??

Am I to assume that he is done since we haven't spoken? Even though we never "officially" broke up?

WHY THE HECK IS THIS SO HARD?!

You write: "I wonder (all the time) what he's thinking...." Need to stop this!
You write: "I constantly wonder why he's not contacting me...." My guess: he's decided it is in his best interest not to; can't know why.

I would call this a separation by time and circumstances. It resulted because he had other interests that you didn't approve of, and the relationship is expensive and destructive.

I think you are getting better, but just my opinion. You sound better.

You write: "Input anyone? You've all been so helpful so far...."

I know that what I have to do
Is get on with my life, but I can't take another day
I can't face another night, so I just take another breath
And let it go


From Kenny Chesney, "Someday I Might Get Over You"

I know in my head that I am the one holding the power (I think) since I have remained NC....but I still feel....Well....POWERLESS.

Why is this so hard??

Like the others have said, NC isn't about having the power over someone, its about letting yourself move on. Its so hard because it seems you still want him pining over you and that if you continue with NC he might just forget about you and move on, no longer needing you. Well soon enough, with the help of NC, you'll be cool with that idea too.

Keep up the NC!!

So 14 days NC... (with the exception of one text message to him to ask him to thank his aunt for me for a gift she sent me... )

Am I feeling better? It depends on which moment of the day you ask me...

Everything really works out the way it's supposed to in the end, right?

I believe in fate and karma and all that stuff... but I need reinforcements on this.

I still miss him... and hope he is missing me. I am dating (kinda)... but it's still REALLY hard.

Guess I just want to know that what is meant to be will be... no matter what.

Thoughts anyone?

You wrote: "Guess I just want to know that what is meant to be will be...no matter what." Couldn't help but thing of this old song:

When I was young, I fell in love
I asked my sweetheart what lies ahead
Will we have rainbows, day after day
Here's what my sweetheart said.

Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours, to see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be.

Maybe music, and better music, will help.

I just feel mentally exhausted... Tired of the thoughts. Try to push them away... but they generally take over. USUALLY I can work through them... but sometimes better than others.

Wish there was a secret to detaching from my emotions, if even just for a little bit.

Hey George... think those lyrics are true? They've certainly been around for a long time!! I need to believe that "whatever will be, will be...the future's not ours to see..." etc.. etc...

Got to believe...

So I think I've found a way to at least somewhat emotionally detach so that I can get through this...

I have decided that it's just not worth worrying about stuff I am not in control of. I am only responsible to be the best that I can be... the rest is up to the powers that be.

I find some comfort in this... because I am definitely somewhat of a control-freak... and I spend a lot of time thinking about "What if....if he would only....etc...etc...."

Bottom line... I can't make anyone do anything. (Nor do I want them to if it's not coming from the right place.) I was the best I could be and gave my heart completely... the rest is up to whatever happens.

(In addition... I am making an appointment with a counselor my friend recommended to talk things through.)

This is so good, HurtingALot; you are exemplifying what NC is and does: a period of introspection and examination; a time of hurting and healing; it is a little bit like withdrawing from the fray and getting hold over things that are most essential. I don't really understand how we get so out-of-balanced when the relationship ends; some say it is a lack of mutuality; some say one of the partners has been committing a kind of fraud or encouraging a lie within the dumpee's heart. Thanks for sharing your encouraging insights.