I have been seeing a guy for about 3 or 4 months after he left his girlfriend of 10years to be with me. He now is saying that the guilt of what he's done has caught up with him and he's too down to be what I want him to be. His ex keeps telling him it'll never work out with me and that he has ruined her life, and as a result he seems to feel even more guilty and is backing away from me. Last night I told him I felt I was unhappy and needed time to think as I felt like he wasn't enjoying things with me the way he should be. He keeps saying 'I've fallen for you so much'.

Does this mean love or something else?

We work together and today he's asked if I'm OK and apologised for upsetting me but otherwise can barely look at me.

I'm so confused. I think I should leave him be for a while until he sorts himself out but it's so hard when he's only up the corridor.

Please help

Many thanks
Xx

It could mean a number of things

A. His wife is making him feel guilty

B. His wife is making him feel guilty enough to want to go back to her.

C. Does this mean love or something else? Could mean *letting you down easy* or could mean he cares about you and not sure what he wants to do yet.

D. Definitely leave him alone for until he makes a definite decision one way or the other, because no matter what you do or how hard you try and *keep him* if he goes back to his wife you will kick yourself more for trying to keep him at this point.

Do you think he would be going back to his ex for the right reasons?

Whatever his reasons he is the only one that can decide.

You don't expect him to be over a 10 year relationship in 3 or 4 months, do you? That's unrealistic, and as you see premature, as he is not ready for anything yet, let alone a workplace rebound relationship. Leave him alone to heal himself, and decide what he really wants. Sorry, but either he handles his business without you, or you both will be miserable.

Rebound relationships seldom work out right. He left a 10 year relationship just to be with u. That is a HUGE decision he has made. Anyone can tell him he is wrong to take that leap, especially his ex. There will always be a soft spot for an ex.

If you want to keep him, do advise him to stop contacting his ex. Meanwhile, you have to act like a supporting friend and not a lover to him. Keep the relationship with him relaxed and not too intense; for the more intense it gets, the more guilty and responsible he feels for dumping his ex.

I am giving my opinion based on the fact that he has broke it off with a girlfriend of 10 years to be with u-- meaning he has given it much, much thought and perhaps has already lost passion in his ex.

If however he is still emotionally unstable, he needs to be left alone to heal. Whether he will get back to you after he heals is a totally different story. No matter what, your happiness is in your hands. Go for the long term happiness, not the short term relief.

Thanks so much all very wise words. I am going for coffee with him this lunchtime, any words of advice? Want to explain to him that I don't want things to be too intense and full on for him... Is there anything I should avoid saying or definitely say?

Keep the conversation light. Don't put anymore pressure on him then what he is going through. Tell him you will be there for him when he is ready to talk to you. Let him make his mind up, and good luck.

Support with no pressure. Be aware though that you may end up in the friendzone, so best to have no expectations of a relationship, as you really don't know how he will feel, later. Also be aware that he may be gratefull for your support, and you both may mistake this for love. Good luck, just stay honest with yourself and your motives.

Thanks so much for your advice, I took it and basically went along with good hummour and said that I didn't want to be an added pressure for him and that he should take his time with things. He said he loved being with me, that he'd fallen for me and that he wanted to enjoy our time together without him dragging me down with his guilt, and that the fact that he had fallen for me had made his guilt seem all the worse. He said he felt we both needed a couple of weeks to calm down and relax, and that he'd sorted with his ex that he'd no longer see her. It was really positive, I felt that he wanted to make things work and was really putting my feelings first. Hopefully he'll still want me after two weeks - what do you reckon? Any advice on how to be with him in the next fortnight? Thank you so much for your kind words. X

Well... when u said
Hopefully he'll still want me after two weeks , that is not too healthy. U must not sound desperate now and do not place yourself in a position where he calls the shots.

U can be nice to him but not at his every beck and call. He wants the best for this relationship. Yes, but he only said it in words. In these coming weeks, let his actions speak louder than his words. Do not remind him that he is not supposed to contact his ex and sees whether he is willing to keep his words.

A final word of advice... DO NOT get in bed with him until after a few MONTHS!!

If u take the wrong turn, all efforts will be wasted. He will again feel guilty and ashamed of his acts. Turn him down wisely and with charm.

You don't expect him to be over a 10 year relationship in 3 or 4 months, do you? Thats unrealistic, and as you see premature, as he is not ready for anything yet, let alone a workplace rebound relationship. Leave him alone to heal himself, and decide what he really wants. Sorry, but either he handles his business without you, or you both will be miserable.
I've given so much reputation to talaniman that I can't do it again, but this is so true!

Since Firday he has been really attentive, sending me lovely messsages and generally being very nice. On sat he said he loved me and he said yesterday that he didn't want to lose me.

BUT he has also asked if he can take me away to a hotel for the night next sat, after we both go to a friend's birthday party. I want to and don't want to send mixed signals, but should I really be leaving him alone? Should I go?

X

After 10 years of getting it fairly regular, what do you think this is all about? You have been warned of this very thing, and if you think this will bond you forever, think again. He is much to freshly wounded to be a good partner, even though the sex may be great. That will only complicate things, and another thing. Have you ever heard of rebound. After a long term relationship, he needs time to heal, and you are his nurse, and like all patients who get better, they leave. The danger of moving to fast with those love blinders on. What happened to all that guilt he had? Has it been replaced by lust? As he realises there is no chance of returning to his ex, he is turning to you to salve his ego, and drown his needs. This is not love, sweet as he is now, but he wants in your drawers, and for now thats it. Say NO, to that. All guys are sweet when there is a flower to be plucked, but he is dangerous to you, and your heart, and maybe he doesn't mean to, but he will break it, if you give it to him. Protect yourself, say No, to sex, and dating at this time. Drive yourself to the party, and go home alone. Workplace relationships are hard enough to manage, Rebound workplace relationships can be worse.

Since Firday he has been really attentive, sending me lovely messsages and generally being very nice. On sat he said he loved me and he said yesterday that he didn't want to lose me.

BUT he has also asked if he can take me away to a hotel for the night next sat, after we both go to a friend's birthday party. I want to and don't want to send mixed signals, but should I really be leaving him alone? Should I go?

x

Um, he said he loved you and didn't want to lose you in hopes that he could get into your pants!! Sorry if I sound harsh, but he just got out of a ten year relationship, I'm sure though it went bad, he probably has more love for his ex than for you at this time. I mean, it was ten years! That kind of thing isn't too easily wiped away...

How old are you?? And him??

You are so right, it's so obvious really when I think about it. Don't think he's being malicious but I am being a bit of a bandage for his wounds.

He got really worried on Sat night that I'd met someone else - it's so annoying that he had to feel threatened and jealous to start being as attentive as he should be anyway.


Ugh, Is there actually any chance for this relationship in the long run? I really like him and have done for years, I don't want to stuff it up by acting impulsively now and ruining things for the future. X

I"m sure he's thinking, what have done. He needs to get a grip on reality.and realize your life is on hold.I"ve been married for 16 years to a man who never stops loving me.My husband gave me a sense and I'm very happy with my life and I'm very happy in marriage.Talk about what it takes to make both of you happy.GOOD LUCK.;)

Are you sidestepping the age question??

Yep. Dropping the L word so early is common in rebound relationships. He's trying to "continue" his old relationship with you... trying to fill his void of his ex with you instead. He's insecure, emotional, and currently very destructible (to his own emotional health).

Yeah, it's so difficult to walk away though, really get on well, have always been good friends and love being with each other.

He's 30, 6 years older than me.

I don't want to lose him, but at the same time I don't want to land up heartbroken.

He rang me last night completely paranoid (like I was last week) that I didn't want to see him anymore. All I want to do is comfort and reassure him... but at the same time not put my heart on the line. How can I protect myself without coming across as too cold?

By being honest with him, and yourself, setting boundaries, and sticking to them, and NO SEX, it's the sex that will keep false hope alive, and intensify the already intense feeling you have. And just when you give him your heart, he will feel better about moving on with his life. If he cares he would go along with YOUR timetable without the pressure of sex, so don't put yourself in those positions. Put your own protection, above his physical needs, because trust me, his healing from a 10 year relationship will take a while. A long while. Don't fall for that "I love you" stuff like a school girl, wait and see how he handles his problems himself. Don't be his rebound relationship, you deserve better. He looks good now, but look deeper.

Thanks a lot for all your help.

SPoke to him last night and made my feelings clear about the sex issue, he was really respectful and said he didn't want to pressure me.

We discussed how he was last week and he said he felt nostalgic rather than missing his ex, and that he had made it clear to her that there was no chance for them. He said he felt our relationship was getting better all the time and that he wanted to keep the logistical problems with his ex separate to his relationship with me... all good!

We had a really good time together last night and got on really well, lots of laughter etc. Is it OK for me to carry on with that- just enjoying his company?

It takes time to get to know someone, and rushing things to fast can be a heartbreaking disaster. It takes 6 months to a year to know someone enough to be really able to trust and communicate. You special problem is the 10 years he spent with his wife, and just my opinion, The few months he has been away from her is not sufficient to get over that experience. Eventually that makes you his rebound, the one who brings his ego and confidence back as he licks his wounds from his failed relationship. Those rebound relationships seldom work out, and why I am sure you should enjoy getting to know him, I mean have fun, but don't be blinded by intense feelings, that stops you from paying attention, when warning signs appear. Just go slow and protect yourself, as these things always start so nice, as people show you their good side. It can turn quickly, if your not alert. Do you know why he is divorcing? His version any way.

He is not married, they did live together though.

He left her fundamentally because he had feelings for me (he did not cheat on her physically with me). We went away on a break with work and something just clicked. I didn't encourage him at all, I was very wary of getting involved. Within a week of getting back he told her he didn't want to be with her anymore because he felt that things must be very wrong if he had feelings for someone else. But in addition to his feelings for me, he says they were floundering a bit as a couple, he felt quite tied down, he didn't want to marry her and think she was more that way inclined. Think he realises it may have something to do with turning 30 in August, but having been his friend for a long time I know he's been unhappy with her for a while, she cheated on him 4 years ago and despite them working through it she was quite clingy and their personalities clashed somewhat (I know them both).

More help needed... he's been really attentive until yesterday when he seemed very down, said he was just hating Monday but essentially it means whenever he's in a bad mood he drags me down with him. Hardly slept last night for worrying. But when it's god it's SO good, we have such a nice time together, I just can't relax when he's like this, I'm on edge. I'm supposed to be seeing him at lunch for a chat, how do I put this across? I don't want to seem nasty or needy... I think my moods are getting in the way of things too as when I get worried I can be very abrasive. Ugh I hate this, it's driving me to distraction, but I really love being with him when everything's normal.

To be honest, I feel that you're constantly worried about him breaking up with you. That's no way of having a relationship. As of right now, your boyfriend is going through a breakup. You might as well read the two stickies under the relationship forum to see what he's going through. Does he like you? I think so. Does he like his ex? Maybe. Is he over his ex? Unlikely.

At this point, I feel that he's stuck between a rock and a hard place. When you see him, don't be needy. Don't "bring things up" for a talk. Just act normal. This way, he won't be put off by your neediness and he'll feel like he can turn to you for support.

If you don't like him when he's down like this, you may need to break it off... as he'll be this way for at least a month or two. Rule of thumb: if the relationship is under 5 years, give 1 month for every year. If the relationship is over 5 years, give 2 months for every year.

He may be a trouper... he may take a month or two.

Thanks, you're right, I think when he's distant I always take it very personally, it's been so good over the last week as I decided to just get on with enjoying my own life but then today I've just plummeted. He's been so lovely to me and not given me any real reason to worry but it's like a worm infects my brain and eats away at all myself confidence. Despite him being fine with me I'm shaky and exhausted with worry, I'm beginning to think my mind is warped. Do you have any tricks for easing this paranoid feeling? I can't eat, my stomach's flipping.