My 19 year old son soon to be 20 in March is driving me crazy. He is good kid (young man), works and attends college. My concern is the older crowd he hangs around and the late nights away from home. He has befriended a group of older co-workers (mid 20's to late 30's) who depends on him in my opinion as a taxi service and who keeps him out late. He has a girlfriend that is heading no where in my opinion. We went from a 2am curfew to not coming home at all daily. I expressed that he needs to call to assure me that he is okay. No compliance. Okay, I let that go and decided to just be thankful when he did show up. Recently my job assignment ended and I have been non-stop looking for work for the last 2 months to no prevail but my son, who eats at my house, wash clothes at my house, drives a SUV I bought him, (recently he started paying the insurance), sleeps here when need be, bathe at my house, has not offered me $1.00 to make ends meet. I couldn't except it if he did but the idea of him not offering hurts really bad considering I have a 17 year old at home as well, am a single mom and has sacrificed and provided for both of my children as if I had a two family income. Then I come across charges he has made for his girlfriend in amounts no less than $200.00. No excuse. When I talk to him he gets upset. I informed him tonight that something has got to change. What do you think I should do? I don't want to put him out because I want him to finish school and not only that I would worry like crazy to his whereabouts. We are in a new state with no family and all he truly has is his sister and me.

Because he lives in your house, following your rules should be very high on his priority list. When he has talks with you and becomes upset, his upset will not kill either of you. When you discuss with him what your concerns are, just be factual. Tell him what your expectations are. He needs your strength and boundaries. Give him that. The consequences... could he get to school and work without the car? Are you making payments on it still?

Even though he lives in your house you need to get over going crazy with worry.
Worry doesn't accomplish anything except stress on you and your health. You are sitting at home worried while he is perfectly fine and IF something were to happen your worry still didn't accomplish anything. He is going to be in his 20's and so it is time you learned to accept that he won't be calling to let you know he is okay. You also have no control over what he gives or does for his girlfriend so it is useless bringing it up to him. It will only be a sore spot with him and alienate his willingness to tell you anything.

What I see that he needs to do is learn to pay his way and not rely so much on you. He wants his freedom but he doesn't want responsibility to go with it. You could maybe ask him if he could help you with groceries and the water bill sometimes.

He works and he is in school? Is he going to school? Is he going to work? When does he finish school for good? This transition period of living at home and getting out on your own is inevitable and it is rarely simple - no matter the age. But come it must, and it sounds like that is where your son is now. I feel when he finishes school he will move out anyway. He is getting ready to be out on his own, probably can't wait and is probably just sticking around until he finishes school. If you did a good job raising your son - which by the way it sounds like you did because he is still in school and has a job - it's time to step back and allow him to live his own life. Of course you still have a say in what he does in your home. And if he is disrupting the life of you and other family members then that's because he doesn't belong there anymore. Something you might have to face. It is hard to let go but that is what we must do if we are to allow our children to live a normal life. If we hold on for too long or too tight there is the chance that we may lose them altogether. He's turning twenty and in one year twenty-one. Sit down and have a serious matter of fact talk with him, set some new rules and boundaries, and give him one last year to get his act together regards being a part of your family. The alternative? He moves out. Which he probably wants anyway and just might not know how to tell you without hurting you.

For me,My daughter(21) has been a non compliant communicator(till recently)

First step was to set the boundary 'You will call when you are going to be out late, or all night,I don't want to know what your doing, just when I can expect you home!'

Secondly,'If you don't call and let me know, it will cost you $5.00 every time you neglect to call,payable at the end of the week!'

This went on for almost a month and a half,she paying(and grumbling every week) till she finally got what I wanted from her COMMUNICATION period!!

It was a struggle(and I did make a few bucks while this lesson was in motion, but we now speak like adults, instead of father to immature daughter.)

Hope this is helpful,

Ken

Well it seems like your making excuses for him, a little bit. I think its time to sit him down and tell him what your expectations are (I would use concrete statement not things that he can twist and use to his advantage) and if he gets upset, so what? Its called being a responsible adult. He can't adhere to your requests if he doesn't know what you want. And maybe its time he pays some rent. Tell him without your income things are hard and you need his help. You did it for him for his whole life and now you need him to help you until you find something. If he can give his girlfriend 200 then he can certainly help you out. As for the worry Nohelp4U hit in on the head - worry will get you nothing - it doesn't stop what is going to happen from happening.