Hey,

It feels kind of weird to come here for help and advice but you guys are my last hope.
I've already tried talking to my family and some friends but whatever answers and advice they've given me have been partial and I feel that I need you guys perspectives and views of it all.

Me (20 yrs old) and my girlfriend (18 yrs old) has been a couple for almost 8 months now and the first 6 months were almost perfect, I had been waiting to meet someone like her for a long time and I was really happy. I'm doing everything for her, I'm always the one calling, I'm the one taking the initiative to meet, I feel like I'm the one investing everything in our relationship, she just takes me for granted and goes along with the ride - having me whenever she wants but still studying last year and meeting friends etc. She's got nothing to lose if this ends, except for me.. if she even cares for me anymore..

Now I have a real serious problem here - we argue often about her partying, I'll try to make this short and easy to understand.

She told me in the beginning of our relationship that her past relationship ended 2 years ago because she cheated with another guy on a party.

The truth is she got so drunk she got "crazy" and slept with someone. Now this hurt me like hell to hear about (and still kills me by the way.. ) but who am I to judge her for something that is of the past.

Anyway, this made me act in such a way that whenever she wanted to go out during the first months of our relationship I got sad, jealous and very very very worried that she would do the same thing to me - this made her take the decision to stay away from partying and getting drunk just because she loved me and didn't want to see me hurt.

Now the problem has escalated - She came clean to me 2 months ago saying that "I can't stand this anymore - I DO love getting drunk and yes, partying to me is getting very drunk, I'm not having fun otherwise, and I won't let your worrying stop me from going out, having fun and yes, even getting so drunk I can barely stand on my feet, cause it shouldn't bother you."

Now that stuff really hurt me - I mean.. when I know what she has done before, how can I ever trust her that she won't do it again?

The conditions are exactly the same - she parties every 1-3 weeks out of 4 and she loves to drink loads and go crazy.

I CAN have fun without drinking loads and I feel that my future girlfriend that I try to build a relationship with should AT LEAST have the decency and respect that she stays away doing the same thing she did last time she cheated, this is killing me, lately I have barely even been able to enjoy our relationship cause I'm worried SICK that it will happen again. It's like Russian roulette, 6 times out of 7 it's OK but what about that seventh time.. Whatever she tells me I know she's surrounded by guys in parties and on dance floors and to me, drinking so much that you can barely speak and almost passes out NEVER is healthy and can (and probably will sooner or later) lead to actions that aren't controllable and that will be regretted later on. (cheating etc.. Maybe even getting physically hurt) :(

Some friends tell me to talk to her, some tell me to break up with her because it's a no-no and I WILL get hurt, what do you say?

All I can say is that last months I've been feeling more bad than good, and that can never be a good sign. Oh and now I feel so guilty for making this thread and asking for help and assistance.. should I feel that way or is it OK to ask for help? =/

Let her go. She obviously has different priorities than you. Partying and getting drunk is one of them. Her behavior is out of control and you are not the one who is going to bring her back into some manner of control. Only she can do that for herself. You asking her will not do the trick here. She made need an intervention, she may need alcohol counseling, she may need rehab and follow up therapy, along with Alcoholics Anonymous. But she has to be the one to see it as necessary for her health and for her well being.

You two are not well matched at all. If you continue with her, it will be misery for you both. You for being in that relationship and feeling helpless and angry and suspicious and her, for you being there.

Do not allow this to develop into a co-dependent relationship. That is sadly the way of many relationships involving an alcoholic and a non alcoholic. You cannot fix her, cannot take responsibility for her, cannot make her do what she does not want to do and cannot shield her from her consequences.

Read more about that kind of unhealthy relationship -
codependency - Google Search (http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&rls=com.microsoft:en-US&sa=X&oi=spell&resnum=0&ct=result&cd=1&q=codependency&spell=1)

Take back your life and you become healthy.

It's always OK to ask for help, never feel bad about that. Everyone needs help at some point. If I were you, I would try talking to her and I would tell her exactly how I feel about it, and tell her that if she can't stop partying for my sake, then that's that and I'm out of here. Who we think is perfect for us isn't always the one that is perfect for us.

Sounds like you'd be better off just letting her go.

Hi Craig,
No, you shouldn't feel guilty about asking for help. Sometimes we all need other people to help us to make tough decisions in life.

First of all for your girlfriend to say that she can only have a good time by getting drunk, sometimes to the point of barely standing, sounds to me like she has a real problem. I'm not opposed to social drinking (I do it myself) but she sounds out of control. She really needs some help with this or she could end up hurting herself or someone else.

The question you need to ask yourself is whether this is the type of person you want to have in your life. She dosen't seem to care how this makes you feel. If you aren't enjoying your relationship and are feeling bad about things then that should be a sign telling you what you may need to do. Relationships should make you feel good, not constantly stressed out, and if that's how you're feeling then this girl is probably not the one for you.

Of course this is just my opinion. I wish you the best of luck with whatever you decide to do.

Sounds like there is no trust. If you can't trust her, a relationship with her will be difficult.

If you dump her, maybe she'll come around and stop drinking, and go out of her way to get you back. You should play it cool, not giving in until you feel you are ready, if ever. Even ask for space/time if you need it.

Also, being that you are 20 and she 18, you guys are going through a tremendous change in your lives. I was 18 and 20. The girls I was with then are VASTLY DIFFERENT than the ones I want today at 27.

So if you stay with her, it'll hurt and hurt and keep hurting until she breaks it off with you. Or you could break it off with her, hurt MORE, but for a lot less time, AND you'd have the upper hand. If you break up with her, then call her or her friends and constantly annoy her, she'll have the upper hand again, so don't do that. If you really do break up with her, be STRONG, have a PLAN before you do it (people to call for support, family, etc), and go through with it fully. If you can be honest with yourself, you will succeed.

Thank you very much for the quick replies!
The thing is, alcoholic is a kind of harsh word to use because she is just like any of the other outgoing "party teenagers" if you see my point :/

I've never seen her pass out or something like that but she still obviously loves to drink more than moderately and it's hurting me. You could compare her to many partying girls and she's just one of them.. but I can't really stand it.


About Co-dependency, what is it? Am I codependent cause I've developed a troubled mind about if/when she's partying and because I worry all the time?

Me (20 yrs old) and my girlfriend (18 yrs old) has been a couple for almost 8 months now and the first 6 months were almost perfect, I had been waiting to meet someone like her for a long time and I was really happy.
It only gets worse because the partying controls who they have become. You feel in love with what she could be 0R who she wanted you to THINK she is. Kiss that goodbye!


I'm doing everything for her, I'm always the one calling, I'm the one taking the initiative to meet, I feel like I'm the one investing everything in our relationship, she just takes me for granted and goes along with the ride - having me whenever she wants but still studying last year and meeting friends etc. She's got nothing to lose if this ends, except for me.. if she even cares for me anymore.
Enabling somebody to not have responsibilies they WILL take you for granted and keep going along with the ride.


She told me in the beginning of our relationship that her past relationship ended 2 years ago because she cheated with another guy on a party.

The truth is she got so drunk she got "crazy" and slept with someone. Now this hurt me like hell to hear about (and still kills me btw..) but who am I to judge her for something that is of the past.
Judging past? How do you know she isn't capable of doing the same thing to you.
I wouldn't file it to past, but keep it up as a red flag.


Anyway, this made me act in such a way that whenever she wanted to go out during the first months of our relationship I got sad, jealous and very very very worried that she would do the same thing to me - this made her take the decision to stay away from partying and getting drunk just because she loved me and didn't want to see me hurt.
Exactly what I mean by they become who they think you want until they feel they have you wrapped around their finger and can start taking you for granted.


Now the problem has escalated - She came clean to me 2 months ago saying that "I can't stand this anymore - I DO love getting drunk and yes, partying to me is getting very drunk, I'm not having fun otherwise, and I won't let your worrying stop me from going out, having fun and yes, even getting so drunk I can barely stand on my feet, cause it shouldn't bother you."
Take that as I choose drinking 0VER you... just as if she said I choose another guy over you!


Now that stuff really hurt me - I mean.. when I know what she has done before, how can I ever trust her that she wont do it again?
Give up on her!


The conditions are exactly the same - she parties every 1-3 weeks out of 4 and she loves to drink loads and go crazy.
What you have to look forward to as long as you stay with her.


I CAN have fun without drinking loads and I feel that my future girlfriend that I try to build a relationship with should AT LEAST have the decency and respect that she stays away doing the exact same thing she did last time she cheated, this is killing me, lately I have barely even been able to enjoy our relationship cause I'm worried SICK that it will happen again. It's like Russian roulette, 6 times out of 7 it's OK but what about that seventh time..? Whatever she tells me I know she's surrounded by guys in parties and on dance floors and to me, drinking so much that you can barely speak and almost passes out NEVER is healthy and can (and probably will sooner or later) lead to actions that aren't controllable and that will be regretted later on. (cheating etc.. maybe even getting physically hurt) :(
You answered your own question on what you need to do!


Some friends tell me to talk to her, some tell me to break up with her because it's a no-no and I WILL get hurt, what do you say?
You are wasting your time cause this is an example of what your entire life will be with her.

I have a feeling if you quit calling her it would be out of site out of mind on her part.

Now I feel worse cause everyone's saying alcoholic and so.. she's not that different from other people who drink when they party except that she's often much more than just tipsy.. the problem isn't her being "alcoholic", cause if she is that then half of the people I know are alcoholics..

But man.. I really LOVE her and she called me this night and said she loves me too with a sweet voice.. I don't know how to ever let go of her =(((

Most of the people I know are alcoholics too... and have been for 30 - 40 years.
So my point is it boils down to
Do you want to live with this lifestyle of hers indefinitely?

Now I feel worse cause everyone's saying alcoholic and so.. she's not that different from other people who drink when they party except that she's often much more than just tipsy.. the problem isn't her being "alcoholic", cause if she is that then half of the people I know are alcoholics..

But man.. I really LOVE her and she called me this night and said she loves me too with a sweet voice.. I don't know how to ever let go of her =(((
I don't see anyone saying "dump her because she's an alcoholic".

You came here looking for your own answers. You wanted to hear us say specific responses to your problem. That's not going to happen. We all probably have something you don't have: Experience.

If you want to stay with her and keep getting hurt, then by all means do it. You'll learn on your own eventually. And when she does break up with you, come back here and tell us. I won't rub it in, but I will be here for support!

That is the most common statement anyone makes about recognizing an alcoholic. Craig, it is not always the amount of alcohol, it is more the dependency on the alcohol and the need to achieve her high when drinking. Drinking until so drunk she passes out. That she has to have that level to achieve her happiness. You make any excuses for her? Yes you do.

She may not be an alcoholic per say, but she really does have a problem that needs to be dealt with, because from what she said to you, partying to her means getting very drunk. She can't have a good time otherwise. It will only get worse unless she gets some help, and believe me, I've seen it happen more than once in my 37 years. You need to decide if being with her is worth all the mess you'll have to continue to deal with because it.

Craig, never be sorry for looking for outside help. Sometimes it takes people outside of your situation to see clearly where you may have blinders on. Now, we can say too that there are two sides to every story and we don't know her side.

Now, being alcoholic does not mean that people pass out. It basically means that they cannot admit that they have a problem with drinking and refuse to stop. Which, in essence, is what you posted above.


I can't stand this anymore - I DO love getting drunk and yes, partying to me is getting very drunk, I'm not having fun otherwise, and I won't let your worrying stop me from going out, having fun and yes, even getting so drunk I can barely stand on my feet, cause it shouldn't bother you.

That is a classic statement from an alcoholic.

Craig, consider this... is this how you want to live the rest of your life? You cannot change her, you cannot rescue her, only she can do that when she is good and ready. She may be ready next month, or she may not be ready to change for 10 or 20 years.

You have to consider what you have NOW, as to what your future might be like.


she's not that different from other people who drink You are now making excuses for her behavior... that is enabling her.


except that she's often much more than just tipsy

Craig, being tipsy does not mean that she can hardly stand up. Being tipsy means she may be a little on the happy side, but "even getting so drunk I can barely stand on my feet" is called falling down DRUNK, not tipsy.

Sometimes it takes a loss such as a boyfriend/husband/children for the alcoholic to see that they have a problem. Maybe, just maybe, breaking up with her might help her see the err of her ways.

Now I feel worse cause everyone's saying alcoholic and so.. she's not that different from other people who drink when they party except that she's often much more than just tipsy.. the problem isn't her being "alcoholic", cause if she is that then half of the people I know are alcoholics..

But man.. I really LOVE her and she called me this night and said she loves me too with a sweet voice.. I don't know how to ever let go of her =(((


The problem I'm having with her is not the drinking, although that could be a problem. The problem I'm having is it would seem she used drinking as the excuse for her cheating on the other guy. Is that right? When I was younger (not as young as her) I got pretty drunk and stupid but I never slept with anyone because I was drunk, I did it 'cause I wanted to. If she ends up sleeping with someone while she's drunk is she going to tell you it was because she was drunk and are you going to believe it? Is it really going to make a difference?

I had the same problem as she has when I was 18.
From age 16 to 18 I got so drunk so often I barely have any memories from that period.
My friends were really worried about me,thought I needed to get away from that lifestyle,but I just wouldn't listen.that was my way-the only way- of having fun and truly enjoying myself.
I stopped only because I got bored of it,grew up,got sick of it and found it in me to quit such activities and pursue other ways to enjoy myself. Not because I actually listened to anybody's advice.they actually annoyed me when they started lecturing me.the buzz was real high,I did not care to stop.
Now,I am not actually proud(but not ashamed either)of sharing this with you.I wanted to say,from my 'crazy-teenage-rebel-party girl' experience,that she might calm down and take it easy on the drinking ONLY when she feels like it.
She will grow up eventually and realize,besides the health problems she could have had(if she stops before she gets them), how wrong it is to drink that much,especially for a GIRL at THAT age.
So,sit down and talk to her again,and if she doesn't stop now,let her go,because it's obvious she has a different view on 'having fun','being in a relationship' and so on than you.she hasn't grown up yet.

Hey there chap. My ex loved the whole party thing. We had a few years difference between each other like you and her. However I had been drinking for a few years and wasn't that bothered about going out, I would rather have a nice evening in with a pizza, film and wine.

Although not much age difference between each other those few years made all the difference. She wanted to party, experience other guys tongues as a lot of guys/girls do at a young age. Most people grow out of it but some don't. Also there is nothing wrong going clubbing at any age. However there are limits.

Your girl friend seems to be over the top with her drinking and partying. 3 times a week? She will have sarcosis of the liver and numerous other health problems if she's not careful. I know how you feel as I was in your position, I hated my ex going out, gridning with her ex bfs, getting uncontrallably drunk etc.

After she dumped me, it gave me a kick up the bottom to experience it myself! I started getting into raving, going out clubbing. However unlike my ex girlfriend I had a variety of friends from all over the place, I also did and still do various sports. Therefore clubbing/partying has never been just it for me, which I guess puts me at an advantage as my ex really didn't have anything in her life apart from well clubbing. Maybe she will grow out of this so I hope one day we can be friends or more but in all honesty (Commooon)..

You really have a few choices here and I would work through the following list:

1) You can use 'communication' and honestly speak to her about how you feel - if that doesn't help then:

2) You can go on feeling bad and see where that leads you

Or

3) You can finish with her and explain why - then see stickys at the top of the relationship forum.

Your both young same as me, whole life ahead of us. Don't feel bad, life really is to short! If you feel lonely then make an effort to do new things, go out and have a laff whilst your girlfriend or soon to be ex is. Go round a friends, play a board game, go to the cinema, arrange a trip away, join the gym, go start a hobby. Keeping yourself occupied is the best thing you can do.

You can learn the hard way about how alcohol affects not just the drinker, but all the people around her and bring misery, pain and danger to her and all those people, or investigate yourself just Google alcoholism. Or you can be miserable until you have had enough crap from her, as drunks can't be trusted or talked to, ( you probably know that already) and you move on. Actually you would be doing her a favor by leaving, as a consequence of her actions. There is another option, you can stay and be there to see her get worse, and then tell your kids why mommy can't make dinner, or read them a book. You might get lucky as she may fool you and quit drinking and partying and be a lovely girl, and you can come back at tell us how wrong we were. Either way its your choice. If you ain't happy now, how the heck do you think this will work out??

Whatever she tells me I know she's surrounded by guys in parties and on dance floors and to me, drinking so much that you can barely speak and almost passes out NEVER is healthy and can (and probably will sooner or later) lead to actions that aren't controllable and that will be regretted later on. (cheating etc.. Maybe even getting physically hurt) :(

You already knew your answer, just didn't want to admit it. That's denial, and not healthy.

but who am I to judge her for something that is of the past.Not that you want to "judge" her in the strictest sense of the word, but definitely time to put up a huge red flag
"I can't stand this anymore - I DO love getting drunk and yes, partying to me is getting very drunk, I'm not having fun otherwise, and I won't let your worrying stop me from going out, having fun and yes, even getting so drunk I can barely stand on my feet, cause it shouldn't bother you."Yes and no. No in that she shouldn't feel that she has to change being who she is on your account, but yes in that it should bother you. And that in turn should be sending you a huge message about the viability of this whole "relationship." I vote for the "break up with her because it's a no-no and you WILL get hurt" option. This woman is obviously not your cup of tea and rightly so ; she wouldn't be mine either. Get out before you end up wasting any more of your time and getting yourself burned in the process.

Getting drunk is not normal. Getting sick after 2-3 drinks in an hour or so, is normal. Partying and drinking are normal, if you honor your partner and have no more than 1oz of alcohol per hour. I know, there are many "problem drinkers" around, those who drink too much but are able to quit when life offers other benefits.

This girl is not a problem drinker, she has a problem dealing with life sober. She is very likely an alcoholic. She is probably a sex addict too. RUN! You deserve better.

I think this partying/drinking is a stage most people grow out of. Happened to me, happened to my friends. Takes you a couple of embarrassing moments to realise how stupid you act when drunk. Or you just get bored and switch to other activities. But at 18, that's still a couple years away.

Point is, she won't listen to you. Not now. You said it yourself - she doesn't seem to care for this relationship too much. She's probably in the 'clubbing and enjoying life' phase. If you keep nagging her about it, she'll think you're controlling and insecure. So if it's really bothering you, just let her go.

And concerning the cheating... If you don't trust her and are paranoid about her getting off with someone - be in on the dancefloor, in the park or at school - there's no way out and it's best to just leave it. Once you start suspecting your partner of cheating at every corner, I don't think there's a way out. You get angry, she gets angry, nothing is ever the same.

i had the same problem as she has when i was 18.
from age 16 to 18 i got so drunk so often i barely have any memories from that period.
my friends were really worried about me,thought i needed to get away from that lifestyle,but i just wouldn't listen.that was my way-the only way- of having fun and truly enjoying myself.
i stopped only because i got bored of it,grew up,got sick of it and found it in me to quit such activities and pursue other ways to enjoy myself. not because i actually listened to anybody's advice.they actually annoyed me when they started lecturing me.the buzz was real high,i did not care to stop.
now,i am not actually proud(but not ashamed either)of sharing this with you.i wanted to say,from my 'crazy-teenage-rebel-party girl' experience,that she might calm down and take it easy on the drinking ONLY when she feels like it.
she will grow up eventually and realize,besides the health problems she could have had(if she stops before she gets them), how wrong it is to drink that much,especially for a GIRL at THAT age.
so,sit down and talk to her again,and if she doesn't stop now,let her go,because it's obvious she has a different view on 'having fun','being in a relationship' and so on than you.she hasn't grown up yet.

Thanks for all the answers!

I can relate to this answer a lot, with all do respect for everyone else I must say that she most likely isn't turning an alcoholic but just as In A State says she hasn't grown up yet and I have.

I exaggerated her drinking a bit, I've never seen her pass out or anything but I simply don't want a girlfriend who cannot take it easy while drinking.. I think 2-3 units of alcohol (beer, wine, whatever) is enough for one night seeing as she's actually not single anymore and in a relationship you should have some limits to how drunk you allow the other one to get at parties, at least I do, and that's probably why it won't work out because I can't have a girlfriend who disagrees with that.

You all probably know how people of 16-20 age (and older of course) can drink, "party" and do stupid stuff, it's what many (single) people do during weekends and it's what they talk about in school the next days, she's just like any of those millions of party people that acts like that and that makes her really.. incompatible with me and my life because I can't trust someone like that when in a committed relationship. I seriously don't think it's appropriate to party a lot when you're not even single (when she knows how difficult I think the whole situation is and how it makes me jealous and worried).


I will talk to her as soon as I have the guts, if she don't agree with me on the terms that
1. She can't go out and just "get really drunk cause it's more fun" when she's in a relationship with me and
2. She does not have to go to parties every month just because they exist and because she wants to meet friends, cause I think she can meet friends in other ways as well.

If she doesn't agree with me then I can not see a future with her.

So the point was pretty much that she goes out just as anyone else would do but in our relationship it doesn't work, so please no more of the "alcoholic" talk, that's not really the problem, the problem for us is trust and how she still hasn't grown away from the 'teenage-rebel-party girl' stage but yet wants to be in a relationship with me, like eating the cookie and still keeping it :)


What about you other guys, how many times a months does your gfs/bfs go out and how much do they drink?
How much do you allow your partner to drink and party?
Surely the answers will be very different from couple to couple but am I obsessive just because I can't trust someone who's drinking more than myself?

I think this partying/drinking is a stage most people grow out of. Happened to me, happened to my friends. Takes you a couple of embarassing moments to realise how stupid you act when drunk. Or you just get bored and switch to other activities. But at 18, that's still a couple years away.

Point is, she won't listen to you. Not now. You said it yourself - she doesn't seem to care for this relationship too much. She's probably in the 'clubbing and enjoying life' phase. If you keep nagging her about it, she'll think you're controlling and insecure. So if it's really bothering you, just let her go.

And concerning the cheating... If you don't trust her and are paranoid about her getting off with someone - be in on the dancefloor, in the park or at school - there's no way out and it's best to just leave it. Once you start suspecting your partner of cheating at every corner, I don't think there's a way out. You get angry, she gets angry, nothing is ever the same.


Sadly you really hit the spot there, this is exactly our problem.. damn :(

I have:
Nagged and nagged about partying and she replies with "I want to enjoy life, I'm still young!"
I say: but you've done it before, how can I trust you when you're drunk, you can't think clear when in that state and you might do mistakes!
Her: No, I'm the same girl when I party, no different, you must trust me more.

And I just can't buy that! How can someone drunk be "just the same"?


About my concern of cheating.. now that makes me feel even worse and more guilty..
I want to be able to trust her but there's something blocking it.. It's like I simply can't..
I don't want to be like that in future relationships too! :( Please tell me there's nothing wrong with me..

You hit on something we seldom talk about here. COMPATIBILITY, we can be in all the love we want, but if we are not together on the big main points, we are not compatible, and there is no point thinking we can change someone to fit our own ideas. So comes the real choice, give up our ideas, or give up the partner.

Talaniman nailed it right on the head. It looks like you are clearly head over heals for this woman as I am sure that she loves you to. But she unfortunately has you ranked fairly low on her priority list. It also looks like you are trying to make the two of you compatible, which is not fair to you one bit. I have been there with a woman of the same nature. The best thing I did was to walk away, it's not going to be easy at all. Now, 4 years later her and I are friends and she saw all of the pain she put me through... you have to remember one thing. You cannot change her at all, she has to see what she has done and is doing and someday change on her own... time is the only thing that you have.

I wanna be able to trust her but there's something blocking it.. It's like I simply can't..
I don't want to be like that in future relationships too! :( Please tell me there's nothing wrong with me..
What about you other guys, how many times a months does your gfs/bfs go out and how much do they drink?
How much do you allow your partner to drink and party?


Well... my last relationship was with a drug addict.I don't mean hard stuff,but still,pot all day every day.I did not agree.Long story short (if you'll read my thread you'll get the bigger picture),he eventually dumped me and that's how I ended up here.he also was sweet and said that he loved me and promised things but look what happened.
What I've learned from this is that you CANNOT trust immature people whose judgement is affected by stimulants like alcohol or drugs,anything that can alter the mood and the way of thinking,because,if under the influence so often,they really change for the worse.
If in normal situations you can't always predict what the other is thinking,you definitely cannot tell with somebody who is not... in his(her) right mind,so to say.

Oh,and another thing.there is a saying ''you won't escape from your worst fear''.
So,you'd better try,slowly but surely,to get yourself disconnected from the feelings you have for her now,because if she will eventually hurt you (even more) by cheating or anything of that nature,I mean your worst fear,you will have trust issues in your next relationships.
Only because of a wild child.

I exaggerated her drinking a bit,
People can only advise you based on what you tell them. If you are trying to make her sound worse than she is, what was the point of that? To get people here to dump on her for you? It worked, but it doesn't help you or her.


it won't work out because I can't have a girlfriend who disagrees with that.


I think that's your problem right there--that you can't have a girlfriend who disagrees with you makes you sound very controlling! No wonder she's rebelling against you, as if you were her father or something.


I will talk to her as soon as I have the guts, if she don't agree with me on the terms that
1. She can't go out and just "get really drunk cause it's more fun" when she's in a relationship with me and

You already tried that, remember? It didn't work. I think you should do yourself a favor and her as well and just walk away, stop trying to control her. If she has a problem, she needs to deal with it herself, not in reaction against you.


If she doesn't agree with me then I can not see a future with her.
You already KNOW she doesn't agree with you. Why try to force her to say she agrees with you when you know she doesn't? This is just a bizarre thing to say.


am I obsessive just because I can't trust someone who's drinking more than myself?

No. You are obsessive because you are trying to control another person and you will never succeed completely, not with this woman and not with the next one either. There will always be something that you don't agree on. I think you should let go of the idea that your partner needs to agree with you and that you get to decide what they are "allowed" to do. Your attempts to control her may actually be making her want to drink more. Sounds like a bad dynamic to me.

I personally think that you have done the best you can to tolerate her, I'd run with my maximum speed... but it's just me.

Please look over the relationship guide/link in my signature below.

How many can you say yes to?

She will have sarcosis of the liver and numerous other health problems if she's not careful.

I say: but you've done it before, how can I trust you when you're drunk, you can't think clear when in that state and you might do mistakes!

Some recent evidence that binge drinking by teenagers has long-lasting effects:
The Hangover That Lasts (http://www.nytimes.com/2007/12/29/opinion/29steinberg.html).

Studies have also shown that binge drinking clearly damages the adolescent brain more than the adult brain. The forebrain — specifically the orbitofrontal cortex, which uses associative information to envision future outcomes — can be significantly damaged by binge drinking. Indeed, heavy drinking in early or middle adolescence, with this consequent cortical damage, can lead to diminished control over cravings for alcohol and to poor decision-making. One can easily fail to recognize the ultimate consequences of one’s actions.

Might even shed some light on why GW Bush seems to lack the ability to change course or acknowledge mistakes.

Even after longstanding sobriety this inflammatory response translates into a tendency to stay the course, a diminished capacity for relearning and maladaptive decision-making.

Might even shed some light on why GW Bush seems to lack the ability to change course or acknowledge mistakes.


Interesting idea.

Craig80 I think practically everyone has nailed it here. You obviously don't fit so stop mucking about and get yourself out of it. Shell learn sooner or later.

Craig80, WOW! You have gotten some really good advice. Please don't feel posters are attacking the girlfriend or calling her names when they mention alcoholic. You will find that people on this site really do care about the problems of others. Whether you accidentally exaggerated certain things or not, really is not of huge importance. The important thing here is that you reached out for help on this thread because you are miserable and needed some advice and just seeing all those who posted and reading their advice I think you should not feel that anyone was attacking the girl, but trying to share some real truths here with you in the reality that comes with living life.

If you don't have trust, what do you have? I think that is the bottom line.

If you don't have trust, what do you have? I think that is the bottom line.

I think jrebel hit the nail on the head here. We are all talking alcholism etc and I think Craigs main concern here is the infidelity.

Well Craig if that's what it is , in my opinion she obviously has no respect for your feelings. If you feel you can't trust her when she is out and getting drunk then you obviously CAN'T.

Tell her , and if she doesn't come to the party (no pun intended) dump her , before she dumps you or even worse ends up sleeping with someone else behind your back.

Communication is the key , and if you let her know how you feel the ball is in her court.

Thanks everyone..

I know I can't "control" her, I never will be able to and I wouldn't want to either, it just isn't healthy for any of us. Please don't say I'm "the controlling kind" etc, I don't think it's fair to jump to conclusions when you don't even know me irl. :)

I talked a bit to her yesterday and frankly said that I had thought about this for a long time and that it's hurting me. She got sad and we had to end the conversation but I'm sure I'll get back to it really soon.

I at least, got to say that I'm hurt when she goes out and binge drink.. she responded with that she doesn't think it's fun when she drinks until she feels sick but she also wants to drink more than "a little" because she wants to live life and it's more fun to be drunk. And I can understand her - many people do find it releasing and fun to be in that state but the issue is that I can't escape the fact that I do have problems trusting her when drinking because what if she accidentally goes over the line one day and what I fear come true.

I spoke to someone about this and he basically said:

If I'm very serious about this relationship and girl and absolutely don't want to end up getting hurt I should ask her if she's willing to change for me, if she isn't then we are simply too different and she doesn't value our relationship high enough to go a little more easy on the drinking. (Which I totally understand seeing as I've only been in her life for 8 months and she's 18.. )

Or I could continue being with her and make up future plans with or without her, meaning that I stop caring so much for her and our relationship and take things just as they come, we are very young and maybe I shouldn't be so serious about it :)


Before I joined this forum and asked for help I had NO idea what I wanted from life or even had any plans for my nearest future - now something cool has happened, I actually realized that I want to work a few months and then maybe go on a backpacking trip to Thailand or some other exotic place, and that WILL be in the way of any relationship that I have. I want to explore and experience other countries. I haven't told her yet but I might actually stay with her and take things more lightly - so what if she would go out one day and cheat on me? Life goes on, I'm a very nice guy and there will always be other girls for me :) And until I know exactly what I want I might as well trust her and enjoy the moments we share together.

Anyone think I'm totally lost now or does it sound reasonable? It feels better at least to take it more lightly =)

A young single guy who has been with a female only 8 months, is still in the early stages of getting to know her and her him. That's when you should be having fun as this process continues. Too much, to fast, burn, and crash. Yes back off, and make sure your life is balanced with more than just her, or this dating thing you have as you can't call it a relationship yet, as your basically strangers.

I think that's your problem right there--that you can't have a girlfriend who disagrees with you makes you sound very controlling! No wonder she's rebelling against you, as if you were her father or something.
Hmm.. no offense but that's a pretty serious thing to just throw at someone, why would you say that I'm a person who has to control people and be like her father or something lol?

All I said was that I think that if she loves me and cares for our relationship she should agree with me on the fact that she cannot just go out every other weekend getting more drunk than she can handle?




You already KNOW she doesn't agree with you. Why try to force her to say she agrees with you when you know she doesn't? This is just a bizarre thing to say.
No, that was not what I said, I said that if she cares for me and our relationship enough to stick with it and make sure that it has any potential to grow she should have the option to maybe change her drinking habits for us, if not then we disagree and if that should happen then I accept that fact because she's a free person, always has been and I won't change that.



No. You are obsessive because you are trying to control another person and you will never succeed completely, not with this woman and not with the next one either. There will always be something that you don't agree on. I think you should let go of the idea that your partner needs to agree with you and that you get to decide what they are "allowed" to do. Your attempts to control her may actually be making her want to drink more. Sounds like a bad dynamic to me.

No, once again I am not trying to "control" her, I am begging her for a change because her habit of drinking excessively and sometimes being out of control is very bad for our relationship and either she changes or we gotta split up. Other things that we don't agree on stay that way and that's fine with me, you can't agree on all things and that's cool, but crucial things like this makes or breaks a relationship and a solution must be found.

Craig,
I am really sorry I came on so strong the other day.

You are totally right that I don’t know if you are controlling.

You wrote:

All I said was that I think that if she loves me and cares for our relationship she should agree with me on the fact that she cannot just go out every other weekend getting more drunk than she can handle?


Of course, I agree with you that your girlfriend shouldn’t be going out and getting drunk. It’s not harmless fun; it’s bad for the brain and the rest of the body and the things people do when they are drunk and supposedly not responsible for their behavior are hurtful to others and often dangerous. I think all or at least most of us agree with you. But just because someone loves you doesn’t mean they have to agree, no matter how reasonable your opinion. I wish it were the other way, believe me, but my experience is that when two people have seriously conflicting values, no amount of love can make them agree. And threatening to leave (or anything else) doesn't really work either.

I don’t know how else to put this. It’s your idea that she “should” that’s the brick wall that you (and I) just can’t get past.

So—I am in a similar situation. People on this list have repeatedly told me to break up with my boyfriend, which I just did, at last, about three hours ago. So I’m a bit rattled right now. I saw this coming, and I think that’s why my letter on Friday was too strong.

I have the same ideas about my own boyfriend as you have about your gf—that if he loved me and valued our relationship he would agree with me that he should not still be going out with other women, romancing them—even if he doesn’t actually sleep with them and even if he insists the dates are not romantic. To me, he’s not showing respect for me or his relationship to me. But no matter how much I try to explain that his constant flirtations make me feel humiliated and hurt, he does not agree with me that extracurricular dating is bad for our relationship.

He feels instead that I’m nagging him and trying to control him, that I am making unreasonable demands on him, that his “girl space friends,” as he likes to call them, are harmless. He needs to rationalize them because they are, like alcohol, a way he has of making himself feel better. I have been trying to make him give up something that is really valuable to him. In other words, I have been trying to control him, or at least pressuring him to control something he doesn’t want to. In return, he finds little ways of punishing me, little digs at me personally or guilt tripping me about how difficult I supposedly am. So we are neither of us very happy.

I also think that when I threaten to leave him, it makes him feel that he needs these other women more. So I am guessing that when you threaten to leave your girlfriend, it makes her feel like drinking more, not less—partly because she wants to prove she is in control of herself, not you, and partly to console herself about the prospect of losing you. That’s why the desire to stop drinking has to come from her, frustrating as that is.

My feeling that if my boyfriend really loved me he would agree with me has got us exactly nowhere. He just tells me he does agree and then does whatever he likes. I don't know why he thinks I won't notice. :)

You wrote:

either she changes or we got to split up.

Exactly. My point was only that she already told you she won’t change. That leaves splitting up. It’s just really hard to split up. It’s easier to keep trying to give the other person another chance to change, especially when they say sweetly that they love you and want to change, hoping you’ll stay. I think Ash has some lessons on splitting up. Those might be worth looking at.

Apologies again for my earlier letter being overly strong. I didn't mean that you were like your gf's father, only that she may be reacting to you that way.

It's scary to see someone being that self destructive. A lot of people here have said heavy drinking and partying is normal for teens, just a "phase," but while it may be common, it's not healthy or safe. You might want to let her parents or some other older adults know what she is doing. It sounds like she needs help.

Hey,

It feels kinda weird to come here for help and advice but you guys are my last hope.
I've already tried talking to my family and some friends but whatever answers and advice they've given me have been partial and I feel that I need you guys perspectives and views of it all.

Me (20 yrs old) and my girlfriend (18 yrs old) has been a couple for almost 8 months now and the first 6 months were almost perfect, I had been waiting to meet someone like her for a long time and I was really happy. I'm doing everything for her, I'm always the one calling, I'm the one taking the initiative to meet, I feel like I'm the one investing everything in our relationship, she just takes me for granted and goes along with the ride - having me whenever she wants but still studying last year and meeting friends etc. She's got nothing to lose if this ends, except for me.. if she even cares for me anymore..

Now I have a real serious problem here - we argue often about her partying, I'll try to make this short and easy to understand.

She told me in the beginning of our relationship that her past relationship ended 2 years ago because she cheated with another guy on a party.

The truth is she got so drunk she got "crazy" and slept with someone. Now this hurt me like hell to hear about (and still kills me btw..) but who am I to judge her for something that is of the past.

Anyway, this made me act in such a way that whenever she wanted to go out during the first months of our relationship I got sad, jealous and very very very worried that she would do the same thing to me - this made her take the decision to stay away from partying and getting drunk just because she loved me and didn't want to see me hurt.

Now the problem has escalated - She came clean to me 2 months ago saying that "I can't stand this anymore - I DO love getting drunk and yes, partying to me is getting very drunk, I'm not having fun otherwise, and I won't let your worrying stop me from going out, having fun and yes, even getting so drunk I can barely stand on my feet, cause it shouldn't bother you."

Now that stuff really hurt me - I mean.. when I know what she has done before, how can I ever trust her that she wont do it again?

The conditions are exactly the same - she parties every 1-3 weeks out of 4 and she loves to drink loads and go crazy.

I CAN have fun without drinking loads and I feel that my future girlfriend that I try to build a relationship with should AT LEAST have the decency and respect that she stays away doing the exact same thing she did last time she cheated, this is killing me, lately I have barely even been able to enjoy our relationship cause I'm worried SICK that it will happen again. It's like Russian roulette, 6 times out of 7 it's OK but what about that seventh time..? Whatever she tells me I know she's surrounded by guys in parties and on dance floors and to me, drinking so much that you can barely speak and almost passes out NEVER is healthy and can (and probably will sooner or later) lead to actions that aren't controllable and that will be regretted later on. (cheating etc.. maybe even getting physically hurt) :(

Some friends tell me to talk to her, some tell me to break up with her because it's a no-no and I WILL get hurt, what do you say?

All I can say is that last months I've been feeling more bad than good, and that can never be a good sign. Oh and now I feel so guilty for making this thread and asking for help and assistance.. should I feel that way or is it ok to ask for help? =/
If she likes to get drunk get rid of her before she hurts you

Craig,
I am really sorry I came on so strong the other day.

You are totally right that I don't know if you are controlling.

Of course, I agree with you that your gf shouldn't be going out and getting drunk. It's not harmless fun; it's bad for the brain and the rest of the body and the things people do when they are drunk and supposedly not responsible for their behavior are hurtful to others and often dangerous. I think all or at least most of us agree with you. But just because someone loves you doesn't mean they have to agree, no matter how reasonable your opinion. I wish it were the other way, believe me, but my experience is that when two people have seriously conflicting values, no amount of love can make them agree. And threatening to leave (or anything else) doesn't really work either.

I guess that we got this a bit wrong.. the word agree might not be the most suitable to use. I feel that the case is more that it really hurts me that she fail to realize the importance of her drinking, she might not understand really what she puts me through those nights of worrying when she's out. I don't think she completely understands me and why her drinking is ruining the relationship between us. I don't think that if she "agrees" with me or not is the most important thing - I want her to understand it. If she understood it and still felt no need to change, then I'm obviously not as important as her drinking and clubbing, nor is she interested in saving "us".



I don't know how else to put this. It's your idea that she “should” that's the brick wall that you (and I) just can't get past.

So—I am in a similar situation. People on this list have repeatedly told me to break up with my bf, which I just did, at last, about three hours ago. So I'm a bit rattled right now. I saw this coming, and I think that's why my letter on Friday was too strong.

I have the same ideas about my own boyfriend as you have about your gf—that if he loved me and valued our relationship he would agree with me that he should not still be going out with other women, romancing them—even if he doesn't actually sleep with them and even if he insists the dates are not romantic. To me, he's not showing respect for me or his relationship to me. But no matter how much I try to explain that his constant flirtations make me feel humiliated and hurt, he does not agree with me that extracurricular dating is bad for our relationship.

He feels instead that I'm nagging him and trying to control him, that I am making unreasonable demands on him, that his “girl space friends,” as he likes to call them, are harmless. He needs to rationalize them because they are, like alcohol, a way he has of making himself feel better. I have been trying to make him give up something that is really valuable to him. In other words, I have been trying to control him, or at least pressuring him to control something he doesn't want to. In return, he finds little ways of punishing me, little digs at me personally or guilt tripping me about how difficult I supposedly am. So we are neither of us very happy.

Oh, I'm really sorry, first off I must say.. what a jerk.. really! What guy in their right mind would do such a thing to someone he loves? I can't believe he has the nerves to actually say to you that:
"You are trying to control me and it's unreasonable to have the demand on me that I don't take other women out."
I mean.. come on, that's really mean to you! If he loved you with all his heart he would NOT need to romance or go out with other women for some "special space time" or what ever. He would dedicate all his love towards you when he felt affectionate instead of needing other women!

Maybe it is some issue he has about himself and his self-esteem? He needs constant approval by other women because he feels bad about himself for some reason? I might not be on to anything, just my two cents. :)




I also think that when I threaten to leave him, it makes him feel that he needs these other women more. So I am guessing that when you threaten to leave your gf, it makes her feel like drinking more, not less—partly because she wants to prove she is in control of herself, not you, and partly to console herself about the prospect of losing you. That's why the desire to stop drinking has to come from her, frustrating as that is.

My feeling that if my bf really loved me he would agree with me has got us exactly nowhere. He just tells me he does agree and then does whatever he likes. I don't know why he thinks I won't notice. :)

You may be right, there could be a connection between us "demanding our unreasonable" things to them (:rolleyes: ) and them just wanting to do it to us even more to prove their righteousness. However, what other option do we have? I can't go on like it is and still keep my loving feelings for her as it hurts me too much.

You (and I) are saying it the wrong way - it really isn't about his "agreeing", it's about him facing the cold fact that:
He is taking other women out for attention/approval (the list of reasons could be very long) and you are very hurt by it (which you absolutely should be!) - Now if he does not see and understand that then what is there to do? I don't want agreement from my girlfriends side, I want her to understand the problem and from that point seeing that her drinking + our relationship doesn't have a very bright future, if any future at all. Theoretically I want her mind thinking "Damn, I really hurt him when I go out and get really drunk just to have fun, he won't take this for very much longer and if I love him I must change! Like that will ever happen :p



Exactly. My point was only that she already told you she won't change. That leaves splitting up. It's just really hard to split up. It's easier to keep trying to give the other person another chance to change, especially when they say sweetly that they love you and want to change, hoping you'll stay. I think Ash has some lessons on splitting up. Those might be worth looking at.

Yes.. this may be the only way :( If it was up to my brain I'd give her a thousand chances but my heart hurts too much to stay in this relationship :(



Apologies again for my earlier letter being overly strong. I didn't mean that you were like your gf's father, only that she may be reacting to you that way.

It's scary to see someone being that self destructive. A lot of people here have said heavy drinking and partying is normal for teens, just a "phase," but while it may be common, it's not healthy or safe. You might want to let her parents or some other older adults know what she is doing. It sounds like she needs help.

No problem, I totally understand, no hard feelings. I know many teens who drinks more frequently but it really disturbs me.. I've also partied a bit when I was her age and you still thought it was fun to experiment a bit with alcohol but I've grown up, and I can't sit around wasting my time waiting for her to come around.(Which she totally might not even do!) Her parents know, I think it's really just a phase she goes through just like many others but I can't see how me and her could stay together with this problem..

I'm proud of you for being to strong to walk away from him, you obviously did the right thing as it's in no way OK with his extracurricular dating on the side.
Best wishes, stay strong and I wish you all a Happy new year!

I want her to understand it.. . Theoretically I want her mind thinking "Damn, I really hurt him when I go out and get really drunk just to have fun.
....If he loved you with all his heart he would NOT need to romance or go out with other women for some "special space time" or what ever. He would dedicate all his love towards you when he felt affectionate instead of needing other women!

A lot of the pain comes from not having the other person acknowledge that what they are doing hurts, and not feeling like they care that they are hurting you. I don't want him to stop dating others because I threatened to leave. I want him to stop but because he loves me and doesn't want to hurt me.

Instead, he has made it sound like I'm totally insecure to think for a second that his dates are inappropriate or any threat to me. He has never acknowledged that he is "dating." He gets angry if I use the word. And he makes fun of me if I bring it up and then pretends to be very patient.

So has your girlfriend ever acknowledged how much her partying hurts you (especially with you knowing she has this tendency to "lose control")? It sounds like she hasn't...


You may be right, there could be a connection between us "demanding our unreasonable" things to them (:rolleyes: ) and them just wanting to do it to us even more to prove their righteousness. However, what other option do we have? I can't go on like it is and still keep my loving feelings for her as it hurts me too much.

Exactly. It's a catch 22. If you complain, you get a backlash reaction. If you say nothing, you feel like a dormat (a very tender and achy doormat).

Congratulations to you for having been able to let go! You'll be able to go on those great trips you were talking about. And later on you'll meet someone without all these problems. :) I'm feeling pretty relieved myself.

Happy New Year, everyone!