Entire story merged

Hello, I am new to this, but really need advice. I dated a girl for 9 months (distance, 4 hour drive), we were desperately in love, sex was the best ever for both of us, the only problem was I am the smothering type and was always available. She then said she needed space. I gave it to her. Within two weeks she was visiting me more than ever and everything was great again for another 3 months. Then 6 weeks ago she moved to a new city (5 hours away). We were going to see how things worked out, but when I visited she had already made up her mind it seemed, even though we cuddled and we kissed, things did not progress (I reverted back to my smothering ways when she moved, always asking about other guys which caused a lot of fights leading up to the visit and after). Despite the fights she still called 3-4 times a day. Recently she started seeing and hooking up with another guy. We both said mean things to each other. Then I decided to tell her I don't want her anymore and don't want to talk to her for a long time until we can become good friends without feelings (she really wants to be friends). I've also let it be known that I'm hanging out with another girl (she does not know it is just as friends right now). Days have gone by now, and she contacts me in various ways (AIM, Text, call). I have been ignoring them. The truth is I want her back because I love her company and her sexuality, should I continue to ignore her contacts? If I really want her back how do I go about doing this? Is this guy really a threat? She has always told me I was not her type but our relationship lasted twice as long as any other one she's had and she is the type that always needs a guys attention. What do you think? Thanks

I guess what I am really asking is, ignoring her the best way to get her back. I'm thinking of ignoring her attempts to contact and just let her miss my company. After a couple week I may call or write telling her all about my successes and life in general, and throw in a bit about some dates I went on but not really finding anyone special. The only problem I have is this new guy. If she has a new guy and we fought a lot before they met why is she still contacting me?

It sounds like she is starting to move on. If she's seeing other guys then of course the other guy is a potential threat.
If you want then you can keep in contact but try being more friend-like with it then boyfriend-like. If you really want to get her back, then show up at her house with a bouquet and take her out on the town.
My take on it, try seeing other women.

And... when we fought a few days ago she let it slip that she still cares for me a lot and enjoyed being with me sexually more than with him... I just don't know what to do.

What does the messages say. Woman want what they can't have, you probably triggered her off when you told her about new girl. But do you really want to stay in a long distance relationship. I know I wouldn't. I would tell her not to call you no more at least not for a while. Take the time to figure what you want. You broke up with her but now you want her back. You sound confused. But you need to make up your mind of what you want.

Well, what is it that you want to do?

I would only be long distance for another year before I move there (well at least that was the plan). She ended it, I did not. I just ended us talking when I found out about her seeing the new guy. Something that she said if I wanted her back I should have done earlier instead of smothering.

I want her back of course. Haha. How do I do it? I know I'm better for her than this guy. She is the type that falls fast. She didn't for him, and she told me she still isn't totally into him.

I want her back of course. Haha. How do I do it? I know I'm better for her than this guy. She is the type that falls fast. She didn't for him, and she told me she still isn't totally into him.

Then meet with her. Go on the 5 hour drive and take her out and talk about the matter of "us". (<-us meaning you two:p)
After all, there isn't much else you can do.

Oh! And if you do this, then try not to be smothering.

Thanks Canada. I'm just not sure if she would be excited to see me. She has told me already that me trying to get her back all the time is annoying. My best chance is to not try so hard, or so says she. She's told me I'm the love of her life, I feel like she is just trying to change my jealous ways. Can that be?

I'm attempting to change into a non jealous, non smothering type that has a life other than her. Hope it works. But I just wanted to hear if you all thought I should ignore her contacts. She wanted space herself too. So why is she calling and such?

It's possible that she's just trying to make you jealous.
And as for the her constantly calling you thing, she might sub-consciously miss the smothering. Scratch the showing up idea.... try just not calling her as often as you used to but be subtle.:)

She is having sex with another and you want her back? Think about the guy pulling her hair and on her and you still would be able to be with her again after she left and have sex with her? CRAZY!

You must have never been completely in love. Plus, she's had sex with others before me. That does not bother me so why should this? She is not having sex with this guy either though, just hooked up in other ways a couple times.

That's just as far as you know. She could be doing it right now. I've been completely in love... Believe me I have... And I hear you, because even after a month that I saw my ex with a guy I still thought I would be able to take her back... But even if you get her back, thoughts of them being on her will haunt you. It won't work now. Before you, the sex was okay because she didn't know you and well she couldn't help it. Now she knows you and decided to be with another... How can you forgive that? She doesn't love you like you love her... Dont you think you deserve better? I sure do. Leave her alone and let her get what she wanted... I would never be able to hurt another person by telling them Im with another...

Ok, to make things concrete for all of you, I want her back in my life sometime in the future. I feel like we are perfect for each other but its just the distance thing that sucks. I plan on moving to the area she is in by next year. What should I do now to make sure I haven't messed it up for then? Ignore her attempts to contact me even though she is disregarding my wish for space, stop asking for space and become her friend, or only talk to her when she wants to talk and act like I don't miss her? Any other suggestions...

You must have never been completely in love. Plus, she's had sex with others before me. That does not bother me so why should this?

If you've been jealous and smothering with her, well, by definition it must be because you're worried about her hooking up with other guys. So unless you suddenly became non-jealous out of the blue, which I highly doubt, this must bother you. And if it doesn't, you must be in some sort of shock or denial. Which is understandable. I would be, too.

So I think that Emo actually has a really good point that this would come back to haunt you if you were to get back together based on your description of your personality with her.

But do you really want to get back together with someone who tosses you aside and hooks up with someone else as a response to relationship pressures? You've got some jealousy issues, so do I, so do a lot of people here. If you were the love of her life as she says you are, she would have worked through this with you rather than exploiting the emotional control she obviously has over you to keep you on the backburner as her new Plan B.


She is not having sex with this guy either though, just hooked up in other ways a couple times.

She may be telling the truth, or she may be lying to you. You wouldn't be the first person on this board to find out that the person that you were absolutely certain could never lie to you was in fact lying to you. She may not want to hurt you, and lying may seem to her to be a harmless way to accomplish that.

I would totally disappear and don't look back on this one. Cut the strings that she has on your emotions by disengaging completely from her. It's not easy, as I learned from experience, but it's the only way to clear your head and escape her sphere of emotional influence. Then you can decide what's best for you at that point. I so know that's not the advice you want to hear. I didn't want to hear it either when I came here with my own problem in May. But, with patience, it works to get you out of the hole of despair and confusion. And, as you've probably already read from the experts on this board, get busy improving yourself while you're on your emotional vacation. It helped me a lot when I was down and out.

Thanks Clarityseeker. I appreciate your straight forward answer.

I was only jealous and smothering after we were out of our 8 month relationship and the space, at that point we were seeing a lot of each other and enjoying each other but were not official

I've gone from talking to her 3-4 times a day to a blow up argument (I told her irrationally that I slept with someone myself at the time and she got upset, but I then took it back) to her texting and calling the middle of the night (after hooking up with the guy the first time) and then calling me in the morning on the way to work. I then told her to stop talking to me and give me space because I don't want her back and cannot be friends with her (which again, is not necessarily true). I feel like I'm playing the "game" the best I can. But she has texted and IM'd me both days since and I just want to yell out "I MISS YOU, I'LL CHANGE AND WON'T BE SO MUCH OF A SMOTHERING PANZY!" The most I give her is a one word response. In fact she just got a new night job and texted me wanting to talk about it... is it possible she still wants me? I mean, for sure she should be going to the new guy...

And I do understand everyone saying I shouldn't want her back, but she is only 22 and right out of college in a big city and is a very confused, anxious and has been depressed and loves the company of guys. I can see past her being with someone else, I can see past her being with 5 guys in the next year! I also feel like the threat of losing her has made me get over my jealous ways, I just would like an opportunity to prove it to her.

Tell me what you think of this please...
I will cut her out. Maybe an email from time to time when I am happy with myself. I will improve myself for my next love interest, and when the time comes that I move, if it is near her I will call her up to get together for coffee and see if there are any sparks left... Is that possible to do wihtout being completely destroyed for the next year?

I am not moving for her, I am moving for myself. Where I live now is not for me. This is going to be my third year here and I've had enough. I need to stay though to hopefully reap the success that I have set up and to boost my resume for my next job, as well as finish my masters.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/ex-needs-space-but-still-calls-115536.html
Hey everyone, I'm back. A lot has changed since the last post (linked above).
We had a bad fight 4 days ago, she kept saying she doesn't love me anymore, I'm not her type, she can't see herself with me in the future, she wants her ex, blah blah blah. To say the least she really hurt me. After this I just stopped talking to her, made her miss me? Ever since then she's called mutliple times per day, I do not answer, but no messages are left. Yesterday she IM's me on AIM, and says "just wanted to let you know that I made those things up to piss you off, and I never used you." I did not respond, and I thought since she got this off her chest the calls would end. Wrong, this morning she called again. What is going on? I am trying to move on, as you all said I should do.

What I want is to move on, date other people, see what I like and have the possibility of finding her again in the future. She really hurt me though by saying the things she did (even though they weren't true). I know she is in a new place and just does not know what she wants, but I'm sick of being so available to her. Should I keep ignoring her? Does this make me more attractive to her? PLEASE HELP, I am dying to talk to her!

Keep strong buddy! You can do it. If necessary keep your phone turned off and only check it for messages or missed calls once a day. You are doing the right thing towards healing.

But if I want her back in the future is this OK to do? I feel like it is, and I can always explain why I've ignored her when we do talk again. I loved being close to her and talking and know that in the future when I'm healed I will be her friend. I don't want to mess a possible future up. She is 22 and I am 25, I know she's too young to commit to me now, but I know we had a special connection.

Well if she sends you another IM you could just say to her right now I'm hurt please stop contacting me when I'm ready to I will contact you.

That's exactly what I said to my ex - he did the same thing nonstop calls and emails and I just finally told him the above. I told him it was not open for debate and that was it and then I hung up. About 4 months later I was ready and called and we were able to have a friendship until I started dating someone and he got mad and that was it.

Thanks, but I've told her this many times. Maybe the answer I am looking for is for a question I haven't asked. If I picked up this would be what I would ask her.

"Why do you keep calling me?"

If anyone can give me an idea to this that would be great.

Well all you can do at this point is keep ignoring her, you've said your piece and told her how you feel. Right now this is some controlling behavior. The only thing you can do is ignore her and if its continues or gets worse then I would send her one more email or IM and say I asked you to stop contacting me please stop. If it then continues then I'm sorry to say but she is out of control and your best bet would be to change your number and file a nuisance order that would prevent her from calling you.

Keep strong and try not to call her back. You should definitely date and try and find someone else who appreciates you. She sounds very immature. Don't waste your time with her unless you can handle more pain and heartache.

I want her back though. Is ignoring her the right thing to do? Hahaha I probably sound like an idiot wanting her back, but it was great when we were together.

You haven't had enough distance yet to judge if that's what you really want or what you're used to - trust me. I felt the same way with my ex. I wanted him back so bad. After 60 days I remembered why we broke up and after 90 I was starting to see maybe it wasn't so great and after 120 I knew I never wanted him back.

You achieved your goal: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/how-break-up-survive-101-use-you-wish-114179.html

NOW puhleez understand that there pain of guilt will always be trumped by the pain of rejection - at least in the short term... And your job is to heal. You will heal in less time from walking away from someone who you do not respect now. Your brain will see this as clear as day when the chemicals between you settle in the next couple months.

May the force be with you luke.

I read your post but I'm not sure as to what goal I've gotten to, and what to do next according to your list. I think your list is brilliant by the way, want to help me out a little bit on what to do though? Thanks!

I think you know... but you don't want to know... :O-)
We are biologically wired to reproduce and a break-up doesn't compute!

You are in no contact and should be focusing on moving on...
It takes TIME. FIGHTING, yelling, lying... that is not GF material.

Get a calendar and countdown 90 days of silence, exercise and friends... and Voilà!
NEW YOU! Cheers!

And this new me can get her back possibly?

You don't want her back. You just THINK you want her back.
If you detox 90 days you will be able to function more clearly.
Anyway, if you DO want her back... not talking is your only chance...
Wait at least a month from the time she first contacts you - so she knows your serious.

My 2 cents: you can do better than her. And if you get back she will likely repeat her behavior.

Thanks Ash, I appreciate all your help. This thread can die now! Haha

Haha, I said it was dead but then this happened today on AIM, while she is at her job. I did not respond, but I'm dying too.

XXXXX (11:32:41 AM): you are so annoying!!
XXXXX (11:33:36 AM): if you're going to continue to hate me at least tell me you are then I promise ill stop iming you
XXXXX (11:37:05 AM): k ill take the lack of response as my cue bye!

WHAT DO I DO?? I want to talk to bad, at least not leave her hanging like this! Those are the only IM's I got, She's the one calling me all the time ever since our fight, how am I annoying?

Ash? Anyone?

What does no contact mean to you johnny? Does it mean taking the bait every time she tries to goat you into talking to her? Or does it mean separating yourself from this situation to gain some real perspective.

EVERY ONE WANTS TO GET BACK TOGETHER WHEN THEY GET DUMPED. E-V-E-R-Y-O-N-E.
That's why it is imperative to go no contact for at least 90 days. Right now you have ZERO perspective on this situation. As soon as you can see that its called a break up because its BROKEN then you cannot talk to her. You can do this! We have all been there. Nearly everyone on this board is going through the same thing. You can do it. It feels impossible right now because you are in the thick of pain. In 90 days its going to look a lot different.

So you don't think this is the end of her trying to contact me? I don't want her to hate me forever... I just want to make her realize I'm not someone to be walked all over and I can be in control if I need to be (she is always in control but claims she needs a guy to be in control, but then freaks when it happens)

PS I did not write back at all, Still no contact for 5 days! That's a record for me! Haha

And I blocked her

IF you want her back but not right now (I'm not sure you really do want her back in this case), then I say you should talk to her and tell her the absolute truth: Tell her that you want to be with her, but you she hurt you so badly that you are having trouble getting past it. Tell her that she needs to be patient with you, let you heal, and then you will contact her. In the South, we call this a polite version of eff off.

However, I am not so sure you really do want to get back together with her. If you want to date other people, which it sounds like that is what you really want to do, then you absolutely need to go no contact. You will date other people, meet someone even better, and get on with your life. She will regret her mistake. You will be with someone entirely different in 90 days and be asking yourself what you ever saw in her. If, however, at the end of this 90 day window you want her back, you will find that she has met someone else and asking herself what she ever saw in you.

But, if you see this woman as your wife in the future (and you are over the age of 27) then contact her, let bygones be bygones, and plan that future. If she is the "one," you rarely get second chances. The no contact thing can blow up in your face big time in the case of the "one."

Keep ignoring her, don't respond to her and kill that urge you have to talk to her. You've made it clear what you want and the only way to get it is to completely ignore her.

Well done!

We cannot give love and respect without love and respect... She knows this deep down but is lashing out to make herself feel better... you have allllllll the time in the world to respond... enjoy this position. Once you give it up - you may not like it...

As I always say - IFFFFF she is the one, you don't have to worry, you'll find each other.
If not, and I doubt she is :-) - you are buying valuable time to get your head together.

Well today is the first day since we fought that she hasn't sought contact with me. I feel like even though I was not answering I was hooked on her calling kind of as an ego boost. Could I be making a mistake in not talking to her and hearing out why she is calling? I feel like such a drug addict, haha, needing my fix!

Is it possible that she is done thinking about me? I want her to miss me like I miss her! I know it sounds bitter, but while she was contacting me I knew she missed me.

Well, not to put too fine a point on it but:

a)-She misses having someone to yell at.
b)-When she calms down she'll miss having someone to talk to before she yells at them.
c) And if you really give her time she may find that she's stuck with yelling at herself and that may be boring.

Enjoy your quiet time. She is NOT.

I want her back though. Is ignoring her the right thing to do? hahaha I probably sound like an idiot wanting her back, but it was great when we were together.


If you want her back, take her back. She wants you is clear. It's that simple don't hurt her like she hurt you. Life is too short for games take her back:)

Mora, she dumped me. She has started to see someone else. I don't think she is completely over me, and if I could take her back I would. Don't you think if she wanted me back she would leave a message?

She's past me I think, I want to heal myself become friends with her down the road and possibly get back together in the future if we both live in the same area (or as Ash says, that's what I want now, but won't later).

It seems like its all sinking it, which is great. Follow Ash's awesome survival guide and you will be fine in no time.

Friends, I'll keep you all updated on the situation. It looks bleak that I will talk to her anytime soon (in the next few months). I am going to a bachelor party tomorrow and spending the weekend with friends. I will post again afterwards to update, although I doubt she will have contacted me again, it seems like we are done and now respecting the space that we both wanted, and now need, in order to appreciate what we once had.

Once your pride heals - then your ears can!

Man, you should thank that guy!

So after the long weekend away, I find this whole no contact thing to be a little easier even though I get some urges to talk to her. I've thought about writing her a letter and trying to put everything out there for her to see, but I've refrained. It is still hard when I am by myself. I always find my thoughts drifting towards her and towards wanting to call her because that's what I did when I was alone before. A five hour car ride by myself on Thursday was torture.

All I can think about is that some douchebag guy, and I know he is a meathead is experiencing what I used to love, and he means nothing to her more than a way to satisfy her feelings of inadequacy, more so that I could do because I was 4-5 hours away a lot of the time. It sucks, but I've met a new girl that I think I am going to hang out with soon, so hopefully becoming friends with her will help me forget about the ex.

Stay on the path to healing, and enjoy yourself along the way, and be cautious of using others to heal your wounds. Be honest as causing pain to another will not help your own feelings right now. Continue to leave the ex alone, so as not to lose focus.

I have an undeveloped role of film of me and her from when we were dating and a shirt of hers. I was thinking that after a month of no contact I'd write her a letter telling her I don't hate her and actually that I miss her, and give her the good pictures and her shirt as well. Maybe try to restart some of her feelings with that, or at least hopefully have her miss me a little.

For one you could stop freaking talking about her, and get busy doing something else like polishing your shoes, or something that gets you busy, like the park or anything. You will drive yourself crazy this way.

Don't send the pix.

You oughta send 'em to the new guy with a box of chocolates and THANK HIM!
... for saving you from another year of yelling and hurt eardrums.
It's his hell now... He might as well enjoy the chocolates, you are free.

You are on her mind, don't worry... She is filling in the space because she is too immature to take the time to grow in between relationships.

However, You are.

Surprise: I'd bet your next GF is better than her. Really!

She contacted me on gmail today. It's been 8 days since her last attempt. All it said was "we still not talking?" I don't get it, she knows I asked for space, she lives 5 hours away, and she's doing someone else... leave me alone! Why is she contacting me again, and should I just talk to her again and tell her to leave me alone and give solid reasons?

No you already told her you need space that's enough. She should be respectful of your needs. Considering that she's not it just shows how little concern for your well being she really has.

I would also not send the pictures. I wouldn't even develop the roll of film just toss it and if you feel its necessary mail the shirt back to her no note just the shirt

Can anyone think of why she is still contacting me if she says she is over me (when we fought before all this NC started)? She is hooking up with someone else now...

She is trying to keep you confused so you can't move on. That's why its important for you not to contact her. She is wanting you in her life as a back up plan in case it doesn't work with this new guy.

Indeed... You win. She is trying to juggle and as long as you don't give in - she's going to drop those batons... enjoy being done.

I win? Trying to juggle? Juggle What? Being done?? I feel like I'm being a complete jerk and an... on top of missing her again... hahaha how is that winning or being done? I'm not going to give in. I just hope I'm not making her hate me, and in fact doing the opposite.

Johnny, Do not contact her to tell her to leave you alone. It's been over 6 months since she broke up with me. Months 2 to 5 in she started driving past house waving keeping me confused. I contacted her a couple of weeks into the 5th month. Asking every time she drives by she looks so sad. Supposely she has a new boyfriend now, but I can tell you I regret contacting her. I have been unavaliable to her and I have not seen her in about 3 weeks.

This all goes against everything I feel in my body and mind.

JOHNNYYY -

Hate you?! Why would you possibly care?
Attention is what she wants for her ego - not for your relationship.

The only thing she could possibly stew about is... silence.
Don't be a sucka'.
Let her imagination work.

WALK... RUN... SPRINT... and don't look back.
Better to learn now than later that once you've been wronged - your job is over.
She's fired. DO NOTHING>>>>>NOTHING>>>>NADA.

Peace

When you are 70 - you can send her a picture of your grandkids (good news: they won't look anything like her!)

Ash, So her contacting me has nothing to do with her wanting me still?

No it has to do with her knowing that you still want HER. She doesn't want you anymore she just wants to know if she wanted you she could have you. Some women do this after a breakup. It gives their ego boost to know their ex is pining for them

Damn it... I want her to want me back! HaHa, I don't even know if I'd take her back... But I would feel better about all of this if I knew she still cared a little.

Damn it...I want her to want me back! HaHa, I don't even know if I'd take her back...But I would feel better about all of this if I knew she still cared a little.Ya Johnny, I don't want my ex back but would like to know if she still cared too.

Ash, So her contacting me has nothing to do with her wanting me still?

It has nothing to do with anything - she is a kid who wants to think all guys love her and there is no accountability... she likes you and him... and any guy that will chase her.

She is "doing" another guy?

Dude - You are in HoTown: Population: YOU.

Move to another town.

Yo, OK I understand she is a ho. Anyway, this is kind of funny and an ego boost for me. I usually don't go on AIM since our no contact started, but I signed on today to talk to friends. I'm going over to a girls house soon named Stephanie. I put in my away "going over to Stephanie's then out to dinner. Jeff call me about tonight" After a few minutes she blocked me... doesn't this show that it bothered her?? I hope so! Hahaha I know, that's immature, but it makes me feel like I'm getting to her like she gets to me when she tries to contact me. I'm playing the game back!! I've never been one to play the game, but its kind of fun!

I know it's wrong but I am also playing the game back a little.

Ignore. Ignore. Ignore.

It works... games are not generally functional or advisable --
But ho's got to be played by pros.

I would move on big time. I think she meant every word she said to you and her words were true, but she now can't bear to be alone. She clearly has no respect for you or your feelings. How is your self-respect holding up? You will meet somebody who thinks you are the best thing since sliced bread. You go back to her and your back on a rollercoaster. Intense, exciting, but not good.

You need to stop caring about if what you are doing is effecting her. She is a child so yes she is mad that you are not giving into her tantrums. She is acting like an insolent child. Do you want to date someone who acts like a big fat baby when they don't get their way.

She is clearly desperate for attention is doing anything she can short of standing in front of your house dressed in neon lights with a sandwich board that says "PAY ATTENTION TO ME". She obviously has some very low self esteem and needs men to desire her in order for her to feel good.

How 'bout you just let her ruin someone else's life and you go on and find an awesome laid back chick?

Thanks Glinda you are so right, and I want to meet an awesome laid back babe. I want to get rid of my feelings for her before then though (don't get me wrong I have been going out and meeting new people, nobody that I'm super interested in though for being more than friends). These feelings I have for the ex now though are more like hatred, and I hate having them. Is this normal do you guys think? I want to be normal feeling towards her eventually, like if I bump into her I want to be able to say "hey whats up" and not want to dropkick her in the face (I would never do this, but feel like it sometimes).

Thanks for the advice though!

Anthony, myself respect is actually better than ever. I started a pretty good fitness routine and can see results in myself already, and I have grown enough guts to actually go up to women now and just talk casually, haha, never before was I able to do this! So that is good.

I think you naturally move on to hate since it seems so different from love. You'll know you are over her when you move to indifference. People think hate is the opposite of love but with hate there is still some flame. You'll be indifferent in no time :)

So this is weird. I kind of had a relapse this weekend, and thought about her a lot, but still did not contact her. I went on a date and made sure she would know about it. But here it is, I'm getting ready for bed and SHE CALLS! I ignored it of course, thennn I turn on the radio to set my alarm for the morning and OUR song is playing... hahaha I know I'm being a girl its just a coincidence, but could things get any harder?

It happens all the time. You are going along doing awesome then BAM you get kicked back to a bad spot. Just don't wallow in this space recognize it and go okay, okay I get it I'm not at 100% yet and just keep moving forward.

She called.
Feel good about that.
You have flipped the script on her.

Hang tough. It's already getting better... She is so loud it's a wonder she called - I figured she'd just yelllllll :-)

I went on a date and made sure she would know about it.
That makes you as cruel and immature as she is, stay away from the game playing, as it will come back and bite you in the butt!

So she is talking to my best friend today. Someone that she barely knows saying how she wishes she was 25 (she is 22)so she would be ready to be in a relationship and how she really wants to be, but she is too picky about what she wants a guy to be and she annoys herself with it a lot. I think this is good that she is finally thinking about this..

This comes the day after she called me for the first time in 2 weeks

Maybe but the truth is that she's not mature enough for a relationship so it doesn't matter. I also don't think 25 is a magic age. She needs to grow up and once that happens she will be ready

She is talking more with my friend and telling him she thinks it is immature of me not to talk to her anymore and that she thinks I'm stupid for telling her I would continue to be her close friend after the initial break up if I was not going to do it. She told him I remind her of a 14 year old girl because I've cut off all contact!! This NC thing isn't working! She is hating me more. Haha.

If you DON'T MIND talking... Do it.

NC is to bring you back to life.
If you don't need it, then don't do it.

If you are hurting and annoyed by her, put her in the NC freeze, and assume her complaining is just to get your attention....

PS - It's working!!

Chill and focus on other people or other things if possible...

Is it possible she is feeding my friend this knowing I will eat it up and talk to her again? Because she is so open with him right now, and she is not this open about relationships ever

I think I'm in love with the sex right now because it was so amazing and not the girl... maybe not though. I don't know.

Yes and yes.

She is playing you.
You are in love with the sex...
And I don't think she is CAPABLE of loving right now - so beware.
She needs a player to play her game and teach her some humility (ugh) and fortunately that is not you.

She texted me... "Just want to see how you're doing..." Is this normal behavior from someone? I want to respond, is NC still advisable, she seems to have gotten a second wind int rying to contact me.

This is when NC is even more important. Why are you giving into what she wants which is to just play some stupid game with you. She is frustrated that you aren't giving her what she wants so now she is going to keep ramming at you until you give in.

Yes, if she persist tell her leave you alone this is what you wanted. Us tp be apart. Don't worry if you think she won't call back. Because if she truly loves you she will be back.

Ok, I think I will continue with NC for a little while longer, this has been 3 days in a row of her trying to contact me which is the most by far since the first few days of NC. If it continues for a few days I think I will tell her exactly what you said SAB123... any thoughts ash or glinda on SAB's comment of telling her "this is what you wanted, us to be apart, so leave me alone" type of thing?

I think that's pretty good advice. The only thing I would add is it may send her into a spin of wanting to talk to you even more. But at that point you have said your piece and she's an adult she's made her bed she has to lie in it.

Or playing games, will blow up in your face.

Most guys your age don't use real NC so she is probably like... What the H--?

If she calls sometime - and you are in the mood to deal with her - tell her you have moved on.
And "If she is a friend, she will let you.....And one day you can try being friends if she
leaves you alone..."

Thata oughta buy you some time... If she still calls, take NO MORE of them.
And let's hope this girl duzn't take this thread "Stalker"

PS - CONGRATS another NC Winner!

Change your number and email account... No more calls or emails from her... IF you you truly want to be rid of her...

What is it usually older people who do real NC?. I've already decided I'm not ready to take her calls, I still have too much anger for her. We will just fight, and I know that's what she is looking to do probably. Just a week ago the girl IM'd me:

"you're so annoying!!
If you are going to continue to hate me, tell me and I will stop talking to you.
......ok I'll take that as my cue, bye!"

And now it's a week later and she is still trying to talk to me... wierd

Ash, what do you mean, doesn't take this thread "stalker"?

You haven't done No Contact, you just haven't talked as much as usual. You still have intense feelings and a lot of anger in you because of her. Ask yourself why your even taking her calls and responding? Could it be your still hoping she acts better and you get back with her? No Contact would stop all that confusion and game playing but you first must make up your mind to move on. When you do you will not respond to her calls.

You sound obsessed. BREATHE. Cut communication... Go do something else...

I am not sure how to calm her down other than that...

I just meant she was acting stalker-ish... let her calm down...

One day you may have a calm conversation... not today

Talinman, I have done real no contact. I have not said one word to her since the end of July. I am not taking her calls, and have not responded once. The only response I have is what I post here.

I work all day long now that my summer break is over, and it definitely helps me to move on. I WAS obsessed, definitely not anymore.

Mate I'm going through the same thing be strong and chill with your buddys, they'll take your mind of her, or get a Samsung and block her number.

So she is still continuing to call me twice each night around bed time. It was every night this week besides one. The good news is, and you are probably all thankful you won't have to read about this anymore, I'm over it almost completely. It has almost been 30 days no contact and I do not want her back. I think a major part of why this is is due to my job picking back up and it is really busy times, as well as exciting, and my friends have been around a lot. So yeah, Ash, Glinda, and everyone else you were all so right, and I thank you greatly to bringing me to happiness. I feel like a stronger person now, and in fact realize I am happy being single. :)

If you think things can work out and you can stay together then don't ignore her calls but if you don't think things can be worked out then its best if you ignore them. And it may take a lot of time but after a while you may realize she wasn't that great anyway and you can do better and find someone who loves you and not their ex

So we had this pic of us just barely kissing up on Facebook. She said she liked it and would never take it down. It's down, and I'm mad. Because that's another lie. It took her a while to take it down. But it is finally down. I guess I can't be too mad because I took mine down a month ago. But it still ticks me off. Does it show that she had feelings for me this past month and by ignoring her I messed up and now she's lost those feelings?

She really has said to me tons of times "I won't take it down because I like it too much." She even has one framed on her dresser that she said she would keep.

Uuuuuugggggghhhhhhhh, I was doing so good too until my friend told me this!!

22 isn't too young to commit in my eyes. If you talk to her you should tell her to stop playing games because it's immature.. nobody needs that.

Dude. You are moving on so is she. Why are you shocked? Do you want her to be in her room, sitting in the dark, inside her closet, clutching that picture to her chest sobbing uncontrollable and shaking her fists at the heavens screaming WHY GOD WHY?

Or do you want her to move on and be happy just like what you are doing?

Coming from a woman. Id probably ignore her still too. Your own personal happiness comes first. And if you want to try out your options and see what else is out there than do it. Whether the things she said were true or not its never nice to say those things to the person you care about, under any circumstances. And if she continues to call I'd consider getting my number changed, just until you're ready to talk things over without anymore mean things beign said.

So we started talking again, I've kept it sporatic and have not had a long conversation with her. I'm over it for the most part. But she said to come visit. I am driving through tomorrow and I am "staying on her couch". Will I really? I find it weird she wanted me to stay the night when we have barely talked since the 40 days of space... I am going to act cool not jealous and be friednly and nice, but should I make a move if the opportunity presents itself?

You will likely be offered sex... because you have been unavailable.

Afterwards you may wonder if things have changed... they have not.

If you can accept that, glove up and rock on.

If you want to keep your pride and have her keep wondering what she did that was so bad... Skip the visit all together.
You are repeating old habits and the result will be the same. As long as you know that, enjoy "the couch" he he.

She is crazy if you asked me and a "manizer" as I like to say for any woman who will take as much as she can from a man and them leave him with nothing. Happened to me and I will never talk to her again. If she really is that obsessed with you, let her keep calling and if and when you find another woman,she'll find out and eventually give up(hopefully). But if you want her in the future and you ignore her now, it will make that relationship unhealthy to say the least. Ehhh but it all comes down to what you think is right. I'd say to h*ll with her and move on. She used you... as much as I loved mine, I have to learn that she is just there to break my heart over and over.

I understand that we cannot be together. Not now, and probably not ever. I loved the sex, and hope to god we can do it again, haha.

In the far away future I could see myself with this girl, but at this time I've come to a realization during the NC that I don't want to be with her as much as she does not want to be with me...


I don't think I'm repeating old habits because I am acting completely different towards her. I bettered myself and see her for who she has become and treat her differently. I won't play the fool in her game anymore, if anything she will play the fool in my game.

So after the visit... She asked me to go on a date with her, I took her to dinner where she told me she was single. Invited me into her bed... I let nothing happen though. I thought we were good. But then I had a few too many drinks the next night and so did she. We fought on the phone and she told me she is basically still dating this jackass from before and she has no feelings for me..!

I told her she isn't worth it and to kick rocks. Is that normal behavior for a woman to do in this situation?? It's almost bipolar to me. I'm back to NC, I should be right? This time I'm not going to feel sorry for ignoring her and will not break it until I'm healed and have a new girlfriend that makes feels right in every way.

Why would you not see the alcohol, and you two don't mix?? To look for reasons for a change in behavior, that the first place to look. For you both.

you will likely be offered sex.....because you have been unavailable.

afterwards you may wonder if things have changed....they have not.

if you can accept that, glove up and rock on.

if you want to keep your pride and have her keep wondering what she did that was so bad....Skip the visit all together.
you are repeating old habits and the result will be the same. as long as you know that, enjoy "the couch" he he.

Ok, I don't normally quote...MYSELF....but, if there was any remainng doubt that your situation can be seen here very clearly - consider that this was written a week prior to seeing her. And trust the process

Anyway, dude. Take a deep breath and look in the mirror and say one thing: IT'S OVER.

Then, suffer sexual withdrawl symptoms for a several weeks and pangs of regret and anger and sadness = and then one day you will wake up and think - "what was i thinking?"

UPGRADE man... get your life together - do not be a number... a statistic. Get a girl who is going places - besides a mental institution. Or you will look back in 10 years and wonder why you are working on an hourly wage with all your dreams lost. Sounds dramatic? It happens every day when people don't push themselves to go higher.

Peace. And good luck...

So a week after I told her to kick rocks she called me. The best part is, I know she is at homecoming this weekend. She calls at 9:30 on a Saturday night. her guy is in Boston. She hasn't called and all of a sudden. The best part is, I didn't even recognize the number at first because I had deleted her name from the phonebook. I don't even hate her anymore, I just think she's insane. AND an idiot for still calling after our falling out and me telling her to get lost last weekend... is her problem to still be calling?

Yes its her problem, not yours.

All right so some of you may remember me. I broke up with a very serious relationship in July and it was a very uncertain breakup. The girl moved on quickly and is still "seeing" this guy, she refuses they are bf/gf but more friends with benefits... whatever, not the point. I cut contact for 6 weeks and then started talking to her in little bits. It has gotten to the point again that she calls every day like when we were dating, but I force the convo's to be shorter and refuse to pick up sometimes, so we talk on my terms.

I have dated a few other girls and tried moving on, but I can't find anyone that compares. I am not going to give up though. So today she says to me all of my friends are still home for Christmas, you should come visit me "John Doe" is not here. So I say "maybe, ehhh, I don't think so I'll see you in a few weeks." I will be out there on business a few times within a month and we will be getting together. Then later in the day she says to me, come out to visit with a friend, or come Sunday to meet "John Doe". I told her I wouldn't want to meet him unless they were in love and getting married and brought up a conversation we had when we were dating about meeting future bf's/gf's and she realized that she would not want to meet a new girlfriend of mine.

Anyway, I feel like I am falling back into old habits from a few months ago when I really was doing so well. She is just such an amazing girl and I would want to date her again if the opportunity presented itself in the distant future (5 years from now, but now we are 4 hours apart). I take her calling me every day as her wanting to be with me, at least a little bit. I also take her non-committed relationship as a way to have a sexual relationship but not have a commitment because she is not ready for one after us.

Am I going insane? Does any of this make sense? Do you think she is showing signs of wanting me still? Any tips on what to do with her to preserve her feelings for me if I want to have a possible relationship in the future?

I'm insane, haha.

If you have a bad stomach and are confused, then she is just the wrong girl. It is like, she has your number and she is doing a dance on you. My own preference would be No Contact, period. You get some semblance of self-respect and dignity, and begin the process of getting over someone who is hurting you.

You screwed up, when you broke NO CONTACT, and started to talk to her again. Get back on the path and start over, that simple. NO she ain't comin' back, forget it.

She sounds confused as to what she wants. Sounds like she made the cake and wants to have it all for herself.

I agree with Tal. ^^

She is not friends with any of her other ex's... why is she trying to keep me so close? It must be because she thinks there is a future with us. Right?

I know she is a very controlling person and all, but she is what I want in the end I feel.

After they way she treated you recently, you must realise that will not change, and the sweet loving female you knew and loved is gone. You are chasing a ghost, you can't catch.

I don't think the right girl for you will leave you wondering. Her contacting you creates a problem for you. Is there mutuality in the relationship? Is she as worried about how you are feeling, as you are concerned about her?

Yes, you are indeed insane. But I'm glad you are acknowledging the fact that you are mad.
U should not have broke NC. That's the end of peace and beginning of trouble.

She is playing games with your little vulnerable heart. And what's worse? You are inviting it! (perhaps you are even enjoying the game yourself)
Please just spare yourself of guessing what she meant by doing this and that. She can fool you on and on unless you actively choose to withdraw from this immature game.

So 3 days of no contact, two of the days were without her contacting me, but today she IM'd me and I signed off, then she texted and called.

I feel like a .

Lavenderly, I see now that I actually have enjoyed the game because it makes me feel like I am still getting attention from her, even though it is not the full attention I'd like it is still more attention than a normal friend would get. I need to cut this false hope out.

I find that I am now in the same position I was with my first major ex-gf, and the only thing that solved that problem at the time was no contact for a few months (at the time I didn't even know what no contact was, I just had gotten so mad I cut the ties). A year later she came crying back but I found someone new. I think that is what I need to do now.

Ever wonder if you have met the best person in your life and you are going to have to take a step down or settle for the next person? That is how I feel right now and I think that is why it is so hard. I guess maybe I have to start to look at the negative issues with the past relationship instead of just remembering the good.

Thanks!

Having been there a few times, I can tell you it gets better. That's because you get better.One day you'll look back, and be glad it worked they way it did, and you'll appreciate what you have. Not today though, mourn and move on.

"Ever wonder if you have met the best person in your life and you are going to have to take a step down or settle for the next person? That is how I feel right now and I think that is why it is so hard." This is symptomatic of heartbreak; it is a mind trick where you are thinking it is better to be where you are (the known), rather than going forward (into the unknown). Let's not be fooled, either you or me; I've thought the same thing.

So is it normal that they call back more than ever... like with a vengeance. I feel like no contact is making me have false hope that she still wants me. It is strange, I am an athlete and the feeling I am having from this is that I am winning. What is going on? Why is she calling so much. Three times today and it is only 1 pm and she is at work.

I wrote this earlier about No Contact: " You need to look out for yourself, see the issues, and make the adjustments. btw, are you a sports fan? You know what happens when your team fails to recognize what the opponent is doing and fails to adjust? What happens during every half-time of every football game? Between innings of every baseball game? You think they are talking about girls or the stockmarket?"

No Contact is for you, first-of-all, to help with issues relating to breaking up and heartache. From what I've read here, sometimes the breaker/dumper will begin to second guess and may start reconnecting.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/how-break-up-survive-101-use-you-wish-114179.html

So I came across this. This says that during no contact if they contact you, to allow it, because it is them circling back. Only as long as it is on your terms.

What do you think?

If she is dating other guys, then that is what the terms of her relationship are going to be going forward. You want her exclusively? And she wants an 'open' relationship? There is a lack of 'mutuality', right? Isn't that the source of your difficulty?

Mutuality is not a word, thus I do not know what you mean by it. Please explain. But yes, we seem to not want the same things. The problem I think is that she is 22 and I am 25. When I was 22 I was the same way.

Oh, one other thing: When we originally broke up she said she was so attracted to me and all this jazz and how she could see us getting back together. Then in one argument she ended up saying how she doesn't find me attractive anymore and she can't see herself with me. Is that just hurtful words said in the heat of the battle or serious words? I know I said some hurtful things that were not true too. Even when we were dating she talked about how scared she was because she thought I was the one, but she thought she would have to date others to see if I was. She is very afraid of commitment. So that conversation plus some other things leave me to believe she will be back...

But I don't think I can wait, nor want to. In fact I think I want to move on and if our paths cross again, so be it, but I want to get to the point where I don't care if they do.

You wrote: "Mutuality is not a word, thus I do not know what you mean by it. Please explain." I found this: "Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1)
Mu&#183;tu&#183;al&#183;i&#183;ty /ˌmyutʃuˈ&#230;lɪti/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[myoo-choo-al-i-tee] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–noun condition or quality of being mutual; reciprocity; mutual dependence.

I think sometimes couples get into the heat of argument and say things intended to be hurtful. No one knows if or when she will be back.

Timeline of a LD relationship:
July 2006- Start dating amazing beautiful girl
December 2006- She says I love you first
February 2007- She falls deeper in love, as do I.
March- 2007- She is confused personally and wants to end it (open relationship begins)
March 2007- After a week I end it completely
April 2007- After a month she comes to visit and spends 5 days with me (we get back together
July 2007- She moves to the city (even further away, we become open again)
July 2007- I visit for her birthday, and things end
July 2007- She starts dating another guy, I go no contact
September 2007- I end no contact when drunk, she invites me for visit, I stay in bed and we cuddle
We talked for months, she would call me twice a day sometimes, and I play the game valiantly.
Decemember 2007- she starts to date "the guy" seriously as in, they are in a relationship. And I am fine with it.
January 2007- I catch her in a lie that when we first broke up she hooked up with her ex that I always jealous of when he visited, despite telling me they never touched.
January 2007- I go contact
I go on the job to the city she moved to 2 weeks later, she calls non stop wanting to get together, her boyfriend is out of town, but I found out her ex from before me was in town. I said F it.
Now two weeks later, no contact still in tact, she is calling again and texting "let's meet up" "wanna get together" for when I come back to the city for a meeting.

GIRL? What is her deal? I am almost laughing because this is so messed up! What does she want with me? Can't I be happy and without her in my life? I almost want to meet up with her just to act like I don't care about her! Yet, I do. Help, I'm confused.

Johnny.

Stop the contact, and you will be confused no longer, refuse to accept contact from her, until she leaves you alone. How's that for simple?

I just don't understand how someone can be so messed up. She know's how upset I am with her lies and B.S. why does she have to keep contacting me. Can't I just tell her to F off?

I just don't understand how someone can be so messed up. She know's how upset I am with her lies and B.S., why does she have to keep contacting me. Can't I just tell her to F off?

You sure can.

What would get to her more? Telling her to F off or ignoring her all together?

I want her to feel like dung.

You aren't actually confused at all. You appear to be calling it exactly right.

For some reason you ARE attempting to give her credit she doesn't deserve. Don't YOU deserve sanity in your life?

If not, heck, call her / text her / cuddle with / whatever... enjoy the looniness.

If you do, then stop second-guessing and cleanly walk away. She needs your permission to get back in every time she wants, and you seem to think it's OK to let her back near. You don't REALLY think that's good for you, do you?

Stop being so nice, firmly tell her go be someone else's nightmare, you've woken up for good. Then stop answering her in any way.

Oh, and quit fretting about her, you will never understand her. That's actually good. It means you're allergic to crazy.

What would get to her more? Telling her to F off or ignoring her all together?

NO CONTACT whatsoever, is the way to go.

So, I have not responded to her text or calls. Still no contact. I sign onto aim and she is online so I sign off before she can IM me. I go into gmail to read my email. I don't notice that she signed on. She messages me "Let me know if you're interested in meeting up this weekend." I hit the X and did not respond... I mean COME ON! Why is she doing this. I feel like she's purposely trying to annoy me. Like she almost knows what she is doing to me right now.

THIS CANNOT BE NORMAL BEHAVIOR! Is it? She broke up with me, and is dating someone else.

Whatever her motives, don't worry about it. After a few times and you don't react, she will get the message, and may be a little peeved to boot. Not your problem.

THIS CANNOT BE NORMAL BEHAVIOR! Is it? She broke up with me, and is dating someone else.
You're wrong, in the land of crazy and self-absorbed, she's perfectly normal. You don't actually feel any need to study this planet up close, do you?

I thought not. You can block IM users, too, you know that.

Electronic attempts to contact can be ignored. Physical attempts to contact, let her see you ROLL YOUR EYES and walk the other way.