I was dating a guy who is in the military. He was stationed near where I live for a couple months. He told me that he was single. After he left to go back "home" I found out he was married... now I find out that I'm pregnant! How do I tell him, when I haven't even talked to him since he left? And I don't want to do anything to hurt his wife!

Honey--no matter what happens, his wife is going to be hurt. That isn't YOUR fault.

What kind of contact information do you have for him? If he's military, believe me, the military will make sure you get child support.

Try calling him and getting him to meet with you. If that doesn't work, I'd leave him a telephone message or an email at the contact info you have.

If you HAVE no contact info, you may have to contact the base where he was stationed and ask them to pass on the information for you.

I have his cell phone number and also his work email... I don't want to call him and his wife answer... I feel that is something he should do on his own. Plus he doesn't know that I know that he is married. I thought about writing him and telling him that he needs to call me but I'm scared that he'll freak out and not call me. I have no idea what to do at all...

Well, you know that you need to and want to tell him. You could email him and say that you really need him to call you and see if he does. In the email, you wouldn't need to tell him why he needs to call you, just that it is something that you are really having a challenge with and that you would appreciate his help.

What do you think of that? Also, how did you find out that he is married?

Why contact him at all? So he'll leave his wife and marry you? I hope not! He'd be a terrible husband. So he'll be a father to this child? He would make a worse father, as he has no morals. To ask for child support? If you decide to keep the baby and ask him for money, this man who lies and cheats, will be involved in your life, your child's life, your future husband's life, and in the lives of your children with your future husband... Why punish all of those people by bringing into all your lives a man who lies and manipulates? He will just keep creating chaos for years and years. He lied to you and abandoned you. Thank your lucky stars and forget him.

The only other reason to contact him would be to ask him to help you make the decision about whether to keep the baby, put it up for adoption, or have an abortion. This man is NOT a person who should be asked to help with such an important decision, as he will only think of himself and how he can use this problem for his own short-term gain, for example to punish his wife. He will not be thinking of what's best for you or the baby. He's already proved himself morally incapable of making good decisions.

Even though this wasn't all your fault, it's still your responsibility now to sort it out. Talk to your friends and family, anyone you love and trust, and think long-term, not just how you feel right now. Ask yourself where you want to be in 5 or 25 years and how your decision now will affect who you are going to become. Think about your own values and how you'll feel about yourself looking back on this time when you are older. Be true to yourself; listen to your own heart.

I know some people here will feel that the father always has a right to know and become involved, and I also know it's tempting to call on him now for emotional support. But no good will come of involving such a manipulative man in your life now. He has absolutely forfeited his rights. Be strong. Don't make things harder than they have to be out of sense of duty to him. You don't owe him anything and he is bad for you and anyone else in your life. I wish you the best in getting through a tough time!
Take care,
Asking

Why contact him at all? So he'll leave his wife and marry you? I hope not! He'd be a terrible husband. So he'll be a father to this child? He would make a worse father, as he has no morals. To ask for child support? If you decide to keep the baby and ask him for money, this man who lies and cheats, will be involved in your life, your child's life, your future husband's life, and in the lives of your children with your future husband... Why punish all of those people by bringing into all your lives a man who lies and manipulates? He will just keep creating chaos for years and years. He lied to you and abandoned you. Thank your lucky stars and forget him.

The only other reason to contact him would be to ask him to help you make the decision about whether to keep the baby, put it up for adoption, or have an abortion. This man is NOT a person who should be asked to help with such an important decision, as he will only think of himself and how he can use this problem for his own short-term gain, for example to punish his wife. He will not be thinking of what's best for you or the baby. He's already proved himself morally incapable of making good decisions.

Even though this wasn't all your fault, it's still your responsibility now to sort it out. Talk to your friends and family, anyone you love and trust, and think long-term, not just how you feel right now. Ask yourself where you want to be in 5 or 25 years and how your decision now will affect who you are going to become. Think about your own values and how you'll feel about yourself looking back on this time when you are older. Be true to yourself; listen to your own heart.

I know some people here will feel that the father always has a right to know and become involved, and I also know it's tempting to call on him now for emotional support. But no good will come of involving such a manipulative man in your life now. He has absolutely forfeited his rights. Be strong. Don't make things harder than they have to be out of sense of duty to him. You don't owe him anything and he is bad for you and anyone else in your life. I wish you the best in getting through a tough time!
Take care,
Asking

Well, that is one opinion and a good one at that. And, some very valid points have been made. It would be good to know how nikkimarie feels and thinks about keeping a child or not, that she is now carrying.

I do want to keep the baby, I don't think that I could emotionally handle having an abortion or giving the baby up. No, I don't want him to leave his wife and marry me, I would not want to put myself or the baby in the situation to be left the next time he screws up. I understand what asking is saying, and you make a very valid point. I have thought about not saying anything to him but in the end I do think that he has a right to know. Asking did give me a lot more to think about though. Oh, and I found out that he was married because I ended up becoming really good friends with one of his friends. They felt guilty because they knew so they told me. Thank you for your advice, it's given me a lot to think about

So he finds out after the baby is born and he is served paper work to pay child support, There is no obligation to tell him.
And sweatheart you are far oo concerned about hurting a wife that most liekly needs to know. He is most likely having sex all over the country with women anytime he can, and it appears with no protection. You should be concerned about what he can drag home to her if you are so worried about her.

I think if the dad has to pay child support, he's likely to demand a blood test, and then once it's proved it's his, he might ask for visitation, as "payment" for his child support payments. From there, he can make a lot of trouble chronically. If he's as selfish as he sounds, he may be very surprised and angry to learn that his party is over. Does he have a temper? My concern was that he would punish nikkimarie by causing trouble later on. Some men deeply resent having to pay child support. And if his marriage breaks up because of this, he may blame nikkimarie instead of himself. Lastly, if he is already paying child support to someone else, he may not be able to afford much... Just a thought.

But I agree with Fr. Chuck about not trying to hide this from the wife. I thought about saying that before, but I wanted to emphasize not contacting him, rather than protecting the poor wife from the heart ache and the diseases. It's all very sad. She may as well know. Maybe the friends who told you will tell her as well?

Nikkimarie, everyone here hopes you will come out of this happier and stronger. The main thing is to think of your own future. If you are happy, healthy mother, your baby will be too. Do you have people you can talk to in person? This is a good time to find some support, if not from friends and family, then from a therapist or minister, someone you can talk things through with at length--where you will live, if you can keep your job, child care, things like that. If you don't have many friends where you live, join a birthing class and start making some. I hope you enjoy your baby!
Take care,
Asking

Think very hard about what you want he probably won't leave his wife but that doesn't mean hell be a bad father my eldest son 13yr hasn't ever lived with his birth dad and hasn't seen him since he was 7 we get minimal money £6 week not that it matters anyway. He doesn't mention his dad but he is, his dad in everyway posible eats drink same habits the lot even has the same obsestion with army etc he goes to cadets now! He doesn't ask to see him and we don't talk about him but part of me always wonders if sometihng is missingi think deep down he does need contact with him. Let the child decide if they want the other half when they old enough until then you have the choice. He now has a super step dad even thougheveryone knows they're not blood related , he's african were english and evry fair! Lol but he couldn't ask for a better dad I know this maynot be of help but gives you a long term efect on the matter take care and good luck with pg