Tallulah
Dec 27, 2005, 05:23 AM
My problem is my mother.
I am 23. Have just got home from being overseas for 18 months, so unfortunately, I have to live with my folks cause I am out of money.
My mother’s number one job is to be a mother – cooking, cleaning, having a nice home is her number one priority. And that is great. But I feel she goes too far. Both my parents treat me and my brother like children. They are highly critical of how things need to be ‘done’ around the house. 24/7. They meddle in our career paths…I have just got back from overseas and my mother has FREAKED out on numerous occasions about me not being able to get a job. (I am university educated and have had a number of ‘proper’ jobs. I am in NO way lazy and have been applying for jobs every day but she doesn’t seem to accept this.) I feel as though nothing I do is ever enough for them. Though they never say they are disappointed with us or anything like that. It is more in how they treat us and what they say…the subtle things…the bar is very high.
Home life has been this way for as long as I can remember. I have felt like I have been given all the Practical things in my upbringing (food & a roof over my head), but none of the EMOTIONAL ones. My mother is strict, uptight, neurotic. She is a hard type of person – not at all sensitive. My mother is known by her friends and family to have a dry sense of humor, and to call a spade a spade. She can be very cutting and mean without realizing it and she has a very difficult relationship with her sister for this reason. She does this to me ALL the time, and she even believes me to be lying when I am not, and she suspects that I do things in malice when I am not. For example – we went to the beach recently and I rolled out the beach towels and I had accidentally taken my brother’s new towel instead of my own new towel, which looks very similar. My mother FREAKED – she said exactly this:
“Good one. Why did you do that? I know, she didn’t want to get hers wrecked. Typical!”
So incredibly *****y, way off the mark – as usual – and totally unnecessary. She does this ALL the time. So immature. Anyway, my father agreed with her immediately and said ‘great, what will Joshua take? - an old grotty one!’ I hadn’t even been given a chance to explain…nothing. Anyhow, I turned around and screamed at her “you deluded, trouble-making *****!” in front of everyone, and went home on my own. This might seem a bit over the top, but I am seriously at boiling point ALL the time from this ****. My parents have been sulking since and I refuse to talk to them.
I never have ‘deep’ conversations with my mother or talk about anything personal. My parents never show physical affection towards each other. When my father attempts to do anything romantic, my mother shies away from hugs and kisses. I have never seen them kiss on the lips.
And surprise, surprise – both my brother and I have never had any significant sexual relationships. I have a HUGE problem with sexual intimacy. I feel that sexual relations are…disgusting, wrong…This never used to be such a big problem as many people I knew in high school did not have a boyfriend either. But as the years have worn on, I realise how many years of my life I have wasted. I regret all that wasted time that could have been spent building wonderful, loving relationships.
I know they mean well, but I just feel like my soul is being destroyed. The most annoying thing is that both, especially my mother, refuse to believe they are being overbearing or doing anything wrong. They believe they are showing us love – my mother’s favorite phrase is “actions speak louder than words” and she says it ALL the time. Whenever we get into arguments and this happens A LOT – she always walks away or waves me off. She thinks I am an ungrateful *****, and that I attack her, and that I don’t realise what she does for me. My brother is not as affected as me by all this…but I suspect this is because A) he is a boy, and B) he is a mommy’s boy and is doted on. He did however say to me he thinks my mother is jealous of me because I am smart (university educated, which she is not). My father - surprise, surprise - does NOT wear the pants in our household. He is a very stressed man and binge drinks quite a bit which drives my mother mental (she would never think to ask herself if SHE is the reason making him drink). He supports her over me 100% and is afraid to stand up for himself and exert his own opinion. Needless to say, I lost faith in my him in my early teens when I realized he wasn’t man enough to stand up to her. Though I must say, my father does not have a bad bone in his body, and he is only trying to keep us all together and to appease my mother. It is a hard situation. But I certainly feel as though he is manipulated by her.
And last but not least. Guilt. I feel ENORMOUS guilt for all these concerns. I feel guilt for believing my parents have brought us up the wrong way, and I feel bad about disliking my mother. But, the truth is, I think I feel all that guilt because deep down in my gut I know I am right.
We have a fraudulent relationship because I am closest to her. I live with her. I know who she is deep down (****ed-up) and I am not afraid to stand up to her and tell her what I think (she taught me that), which not many people do and which infuriates her because she can’t control me.
Don’t worry - I do not plan to live at home much longer. But does anyone have any advice about how to make this relationship easier? I should have had counseling years ago…is it too late?
I am 23. Have just got home from being overseas for 18 months, so unfortunately, I have to live with my folks cause I am out of money.
My mother’s number one job is to be a mother – cooking, cleaning, having a nice home is her number one priority. And that is great. But I feel she goes too far. Both my parents treat me and my brother like children. They are highly critical of how things need to be ‘done’ around the house. 24/7. They meddle in our career paths…I have just got back from overseas and my mother has FREAKED out on numerous occasions about me not being able to get a job. (I am university educated and have had a number of ‘proper’ jobs. I am in NO way lazy and have been applying for jobs every day but she doesn’t seem to accept this.) I feel as though nothing I do is ever enough for them. Though they never say they are disappointed with us or anything like that. It is more in how they treat us and what they say…the subtle things…the bar is very high.
Home life has been this way for as long as I can remember. I have felt like I have been given all the Practical things in my upbringing (food & a roof over my head), but none of the EMOTIONAL ones. My mother is strict, uptight, neurotic. She is a hard type of person – not at all sensitive. My mother is known by her friends and family to have a dry sense of humor, and to call a spade a spade. She can be very cutting and mean without realizing it and she has a very difficult relationship with her sister for this reason. She does this to me ALL the time, and she even believes me to be lying when I am not, and she suspects that I do things in malice when I am not. For example – we went to the beach recently and I rolled out the beach towels and I had accidentally taken my brother’s new towel instead of my own new towel, which looks very similar. My mother FREAKED – she said exactly this:
“Good one. Why did you do that? I know, she didn’t want to get hers wrecked. Typical!”
So incredibly *****y, way off the mark – as usual – and totally unnecessary. She does this ALL the time. So immature. Anyway, my father agreed with her immediately and said ‘great, what will Joshua take? - an old grotty one!’ I hadn’t even been given a chance to explain…nothing. Anyhow, I turned around and screamed at her “you deluded, trouble-making *****!” in front of everyone, and went home on my own. This might seem a bit over the top, but I am seriously at boiling point ALL the time from this ****. My parents have been sulking since and I refuse to talk to them.
I never have ‘deep’ conversations with my mother or talk about anything personal. My parents never show physical affection towards each other. When my father attempts to do anything romantic, my mother shies away from hugs and kisses. I have never seen them kiss on the lips.
And surprise, surprise – both my brother and I have never had any significant sexual relationships. I have a HUGE problem with sexual intimacy. I feel that sexual relations are…disgusting, wrong…This never used to be such a big problem as many people I knew in high school did not have a boyfriend either. But as the years have worn on, I realise how many years of my life I have wasted. I regret all that wasted time that could have been spent building wonderful, loving relationships.
I know they mean well, but I just feel like my soul is being destroyed. The most annoying thing is that both, especially my mother, refuse to believe they are being overbearing or doing anything wrong. They believe they are showing us love – my mother’s favorite phrase is “actions speak louder than words” and she says it ALL the time. Whenever we get into arguments and this happens A LOT – she always walks away or waves me off. She thinks I am an ungrateful *****, and that I attack her, and that I don’t realise what she does for me. My brother is not as affected as me by all this…but I suspect this is because A) he is a boy, and B) he is a mommy’s boy and is doted on. He did however say to me he thinks my mother is jealous of me because I am smart (university educated, which she is not). My father - surprise, surprise - does NOT wear the pants in our household. He is a very stressed man and binge drinks quite a bit which drives my mother mental (she would never think to ask herself if SHE is the reason making him drink). He supports her over me 100% and is afraid to stand up for himself and exert his own opinion. Needless to say, I lost faith in my him in my early teens when I realized he wasn’t man enough to stand up to her. Though I must say, my father does not have a bad bone in his body, and he is only trying to keep us all together and to appease my mother. It is a hard situation. But I certainly feel as though he is manipulated by her.
And last but not least. Guilt. I feel ENORMOUS guilt for all these concerns. I feel guilt for believing my parents have brought us up the wrong way, and I feel bad about disliking my mother. But, the truth is, I think I feel all that guilt because deep down in my gut I know I am right.
We have a fraudulent relationship because I am closest to her. I live with her. I know who she is deep down (****ed-up) and I am not afraid to stand up to her and tell her what I think (she taught me that), which not many people do and which infuriates her because she can’t control me.
Don’t worry - I do not plan to live at home much longer. But does anyone have any advice about how to make this relationship easier? I should have had counseling years ago…is it too late?