Hello,

Well, as the subject implies, my wife is leaving me. I don't know what to do at this point. I love her to death, and am not ready to give up on the relationship. I take marriage seriously, and would like to work through the hard times...

Let me set you up with a little information...

We got married a bit over a year ago after a long period of dating. Sometime last February I made a huge mistake and told her I didn't love her. Things weren't so exciting anymore, and I was feeling really confused. I mistaked my confusion for not loving her anymore.

Needless to say, I devistated her. She had no idea I was going to say something like this. I broke her trust in our relationship. I have tried to apologize and show her that I care, but nothing seemed to work.

It wasn't long before she was back talking to her ex boyfriend, and other guys, including my friends. She would insist that it was only to talk, and I actually do still believe her about that. But I know she wanted male attention, and this is probably because during this time I don't think I was doing enough to show it.

This July she dropped the bomb on me. We were at a friends house, someone she had been talking to online a lot. They always got along, and were mutual friends... I never had a problem with this. That night we got into an argument, and she told me she wanted me to go (we were at his house). She also told me she was considering a sexual encounter with him. He, however, is not on board and has since stopped talking to her (he's a REAL friend).

At this point, I became very scared and jealous. I didn't want her talking to guys. I started asking where she was all the time. I became that jealous guy that no one wants to be with. One day, she snuck out with another guy... called into work and didn't let me know. I found out, and although I do not believe there was ever anything physical between them, I felt cheated on emotionally. I kicked her out that day.

I don't believe it was a mistake to kcik her out, but I do feel as if we still love each other very much. We were talking for a while, and at some points she would want it back, and at some points I would. It was a classic case of us both wanting what we couldn't have.

Now, less than a week after she is still telling me she loves me, and us still having sex, she went out with another guy she met on Facebook. She's telling me it's over and she's never coming back. It's very sad because I have been working towards reconsiling, and my heart is still in this. She has told me that she went to a basketball game with him, and there was no sex or kissing, they just had common interests and wanted to hang out.

I know the truth is this will probably result in a relationship between them unless I act fast and get her back. I've tried all the WRONG THINGS, like begging, telling her how much I care, calling her too much.. etc... she's just annoyed with it all. She doesn't want to hear it. I can't say I blame her... it's all pretty pathetic.

Now, as hard as it may seem, I've started to just not contact her... This is incredibly hard for me, especially when I KNOW I want her back. I don't want to send her the wrong message or let this relationship evolve with someone else (although it's a bounceback and those almost never work). I'm going to work on myself, exercise, find a new hobby, and hang out with friends. Having her come over "as friends" (this is what she wants) is too hard, I can't be in the same room with the woman I love and isn't loving me back.

Is it a hopeless situation here? This isn't my girlfriend, this is my wife! Is no contact the way to go? I figure at least if she never does call, I can spend this time not torturing myself by wondering what she's up to or calling her...

I really really hope she calls... I'll let it go to voicemail, and I'll give it some time before I call back, but what should I do when she does?

Thanks so much, and any advice is appreciated.

She's your wife. You're her husband. Get into couples counseling immediately!

She's not having that... I would love to. She telling me it's over and she doesn't have it in her to try... I'm hoping some time of no contact helps this... I would LOVE to get us both in to talk to someone.

Thanks for your reply.

Then YOU go. Get some real-life help for this. She's been with you for 7 years. Your saying you don't love her any longer is not excuse for her to be out and about with other men. Marriage is a commitment. She agreed to that commitment after six years with you. Did she just need a flimsy excuse to jump the traces?

Yes, I would try no contact. I know that's a hard thing to do but maybe she just needs some time to think things over and figure out what it is that she wants. In the meantime, if you keep N/C you won't be torturing yourself with trying to find out what it is that she's doing and you can focus on yourself and what it is that you want out of your life. If and when she does call, don't sound desperate to get her back when you talk to her. Just be casual and let things happen naturally.

Good luck to you.

Humm... big mistake telling your wife you don't love her, I guess you know that now. Like you said this is not your girlfriend, it is your wife so forget the games. If you love her, if you want her back you are going to have to fight for her. NC in this case is just a stupid idea, you need to keep communication open with her. Set up a dinner date with her and tell her you were stupid to have ever said you didn't love her and how you understand how much that must have hurt her (you do understand?). Then tell her how much you do love her and all the reasons you love her. When she talks, when she is telling you how she feels don't just hear what she is saying but listen. Communication is the number one tool in resolving this ( if it can be resolved) and the best way to show her that you love her and want to work on making the marriage work is through your actions. She may not want to come back to you right away but if you can control your jealousy and reestablish communication she may be willing to at least give you the chance to proof that you love her. You may have to woo her back but it needs to come from your heart and there is no guarantee that your heart won't be broken. No games though OK? If she wants NC let her tell you that. Other wise she is out looking for someone who will love her. Trust me I made that mistake with my husband and now he is in a two year relationship that could have been avoided if I had not been such a hard head.

Well, I don't want to play games. I'm just looking for a strategy that will at least get her to the point where she'd consider counseling, or talking about getting together. We did a bit of couceling before... I don't think we really liked the couselor.

I have expressed to here about everything I can. I'm also trying to be non confrontational. I've certainly told her many many times that I didn't mean what I said. Last night she came over and we talked. I was kind of emotional and she seemed disgusted with me because of it. I've told her the following:

1. I've apologized for the horrible thing I said in Feb.
2. I've agreed to compromise, and let the jealousy go... forgive her for any of this other guy stuff (if she had intimacy with them I think it would be different)
3. I've told her that I want to be better, and I want to change for the better. (for myself and for everyone else around me, including her)
4. I've asked for counseling.
5. I've tried to talk about some of the things that have gotten us to where we are, and how I want to help fix these problems.

She seems very disgusted with the whole "I'm gonna fight for this" thing. That's why I'm trying no contact, at least until she isn't so mad and disgusted about everything.

She did come over this morning, unannounced... She wanted to bring me a christmas gift and hang out for a bit. I told her that I was having a very hard time having her around when I know I can't have her. I know she wasn't happy to hear this... she wants to still be friends. I did tell her she can call me if she wants to talk about "us", and that right now things were just too hard knowing she went to see this other person (who she claims is just a friend). I gave her my gift, and she gave me hers. I said goodbye. I wasn't trying to be mean but it wasn't a heartfelt goodbye. I found myself obsessing over stupid stuff, checking her myspace and Facebook... it was so hard seeing messages from the guys she's been talking with. So I removed myself as a friend from her on those websites. I texted her with the following

"I didn't remove you from myspace or facebook because I am mad. I did it because it's very hard for me to see whats going on in your life right now"

I do desperately want to save my marriage, and I feel like right now she isn't willing to try at all. Is it a mistake to have done these things? I definitely want her to know that I care very much, but I think right now she's just disgusted by it... I'm hoping some time without communication will help. I already kind of broke the no communication by texting her, but I'm going to stick to my guns and give it awhile unless someone has a better idea.


To anyone reading this... Don't ever ever ever say dumb things to make your girl doubt your relationship.

Some words can echo into the future forever, and no matter what you do, you can still hear them in the background.

Don't say those words.

Anyhow, I'm so glad you all have replied so far. I have great friends and family, and they have been calling me and supporting me. It's still theraputic to get advice from others such as yourselves. I'll keep this updated, and please, continue to send me advice.

Thanks,

Nick

This isn't a high school fling, it's a marriage

Yes, I definitely agree, it isn't a high school fling, but sometimes couples need to take time apart to figure out where they want their marriage to go.

I was married for 15 years and after 9 years of marriage my husband felt that he didn't know if he loved me anymore. I made the decision to move out of our home and be by myself to let my husband sort out his feelings and for me to sort out mine too. We went for a month of N/C before I decided to call him. We were able to meet for a really nice talk and decided to give things another try. Unfortunately we only lasted 6 more years (totally separate issues, and we are now the best of friends) but the time away without contact helped us to appreciate each other more and we each spent that time focusing on what we could do to improve our relationship. Sometimes trying too hard to fix a situation will only push the other person farther away.

I see both points here... either way it's a bit confusing. Could the best strategy be to maintain some contact, but keep moving on with my life in terms of self improvement? Don't be a blubbering idiot about the whole things when she comes to see me and perhaps just talk about other stuff and try to have a good time? Show her that I can be the man she wants again?

I don't know... I wish there was a garuntee about these things...

Be interesting and work on yourself meanwhile (counseling?) and be busy and involved with work and people. Read books, volunteer somewhere, do crossword puzzles, work on a 1000-piece jigsaw puzzle, take up a new hobby.

What you could do is tell her that you want to give her the time and space that she may need. Tell her that you don't want to push her, but you want to keep the lines of communication open for whenever she is ready to talk things out.

Unfortunately everyone's situations are different and unique. There is no cure all for every relationship. All we can do here is give our opinions and leave it up to you to decide what the best course of action will be for you, and your particular situation.

I do wish you the best of luck. I know how stressful this sort of thing is.

Thanks so much. I think part of what I don't like about no contact is it preys a bit on the other persons insecurities... It does kind of seem like a game. If it works, I'm there, but in my own heart I'd like to keep communication open. I'll just have to be good about not pestering her about it.

She told me no after 3 weeks of me wanting this back, and I wasn't shoving it down her throat, but I was making it clear. It seems like what I was doing just wasn't working. She was at least still hanging out during this time.

I think one of the major things is I was still getting mad about the other guys and bringing up stuff about it. I think she wants a big show of faith from me, some sort of garuntee that she's not coming home to the same situation.

In the end, I know I can't just be friends with her. She's my wife. I made a promise in front of hundreds of people, a judge, and all of our friends and family. I want to be her friend as a husband. Just being her friend will kill me...

It seems kind of "all or nothing", but it's just emotional torture to be friends with someone who you love and is rejecting you. I guess I don't know when or how to give up. I know I'm not ready to yet.

If I do give up, and it's a sad thought, I'll stop communicating. For now I'll focus on positive communication and try to keep my jealousy and hurt inside. I can only hope that she can at least give me the chance to see a couples counselor. I don't know if it will help, but at least it would be a step in a positive direction.

I can only hope that she can at least give me the chance to see a couples counselor. I don't know if it will help, but at least it would be a step in a positive direction.


YOU go to a couples counselor. She doesn't have to give you permission. The counselor may, along the way, ask her to come to one or more sessions. She can say yes or no. That will tell you something. At least, with counseling, you will be getting your head on straight for whatever happens with your marriage.

Sounds like good advice to me. I will go either way.

What you could do is tell her that you want to give her the time and space that she may need. Tell her that you don't want to push her, but you want to keep the lines of communication open for whenever she is ready to talk things out.

Unfortunately everyones situations are different and unique. There is no cure all for every relationship. All we can do here is give our opinions and leave it up to you to decide what the best course of action will be for you, and your particular situation.

I do wish you the best of luck. I know how stressful this sort of thing is.


Now that is some excellent advice!

Hello,

Well, as the subject implies, my wife is leaving me. I don't know what to do at this point. I love her to death, and am not ready to give up on the relationship. I take marriage seriously, and would like to work through the hard times...

Let me set you up with a little information....

We got married a bit over a year ago after a long period of dating. Sometime last february I made a huge mistake and told her I didnt love her. Things weren't so exciting anymore, and I was feeling really confused. I mistaked my confusion for not loving her anymore.

Needless to say, I devistated her. She had no idea I was going to say something like this. I broke her trust in our relationship. I have tried to apologize and show her that I care, but nothing seemed to work.

It wasn't long before she was back talking to her ex boyfriend, and other guys, including my friends. She would insist that it was only to talk, and I actually do still believe her about that. But I know she wanted male attention, and this is probably because during this time I don't think I was doing enough to show it.

This July she dropped the bomb on me. We were at a friends house, someone she had been talking to online alot. They always got along, and were mutual friends... I never had a problem with this. That night we got into an argument, and she told me she wanted me to go (we were at his house). She also told me she was considering a sexual encounter with him. He, however, is not on board and has since stopped talking to her (he's a REAL friend).

At this point, I became very scared and jealous. I didn't want her talking to guys. I started asking where she was all the time. I became that jealous guy that no one wants to be with. One day, she snuck out with another guy... called into work and didnt let me know. I found out, and although I do not believe there was ever anything physical between them, I felt cheated on emotionally. I kicked her out that day.

I don't believe it was a mistake to kcik her out, but I do feel as if we still love eachother very much. We were talking for a while, and at some points she would want it back, and at some points I would. It was a classic case of us both wanting what we couldn't have.

Now, less than a week after she is still telling me she loves me, and us still having sex, she went out with another guy she met on facebook. She's telling me it's over and she's never coming back. It's very sad because I have been working towards reconsiling, and my heart is still in this. She has told me that she went to a basketball game with him, and there was no sex or kissing, they just had common interests and wanted to hang out.

I know the truth is this will probably result in a relationship between them unless I act fast and get her back. I've tried all the WRONG THINGS, like beggin, telling her how much I care, calling her too much.. etc... she's just annoyed with it all. She doesn't want to hear it. I can't say I blame her... it's all pretty pathetic.

Now, as hard as it may seem, I've started to just not contact her... This is incredibly hard for me, especially when I KNOW I want her back. I don't want to send her the wrong message or let this relationship evolve with someone else (although it's a bounceback and those almost never work). I'm going to work on myself, exercise, find a new hobby, and hang out with friends. Having her come over "as friends" (this is what she wants) is too hard, I can't be in the same room with the woman I love and isn't loving me back.

Is it a hopeless situation here? This isn't my girlfriend, this is my wife! Is no contact the way to go? I figure at least if she never does call, I can spend this time not torturing myself by wondering what she's up to or calling her...

I really really hope she calls... I'll let it go to voicemail, and I'll give it some time before I call back, but what should I do when she does?

Thanks so much, and any advice is appreciated.
My heart goes out to you. Yes you were wrong telling her you don't love her, but what made you get to that point? Do you really love her or you just don't want to be alone? Seven years is quite along time to be with someone. But she was wrong too jumping to someone else. She might have been devastated when you told her you didn't think you love her, but that gives her no right to go to another person. I would really think this out right now. Does she really love you then to call her ex boyfriend..

Word of advice... on the puzzle. I did the 3000 piece puzzle. After 4 days of the puzzle, I realized... I kept thinking about her WHILE doing the puzzle. So... yeah. Watch tv/a movie while puzzling.

How old are you two? After 7 years, it would seem the communications would be better.

Sit down and have one last face-to-face heart-to-heart talk with her. Tell her what you've said here, that you really want to make things work, you want to be with her and nobody else and you want her to be with you and nobody else. Assure her that you're willing to do whatever it takes to make thing work out. But also emphasize that it's a now-or-never proposition ; you're not going to wait around forever while she strings you along and keeps you teetering on the edge. Then the ball's in her court and if she won't come around, then you know it's over and time to get on with your own life.

Start six months of No Contact. On June 25, reassess your feeling for her. I doubt that you can face her without getting on your knees; none of the other guys are doing that, are they?

Thanks for the replies. I's 28 and she's 27...
Man today was hard... I broke down at my parent house.. I just couldn't sit there and do the whole christmas thing without missing her so much. She told me she was going to call me today, and I hope that happens. It's kind of hard to talk to her and not badger her about getting back together with me, even if I know this probably isn't the best thing to do. If she calls I'm going to try and stay upbeat and make her laugh a bit.

These problems need to be addressed, but I'll first need a gateway for communication with her.

All due respect, but this is your wife, and your married, either get it out, so it can be dealt with, or leave her alone. Give her a week or two, but forget the small talk. Just my opinion.

The relationship is tainted. Too much is I the middle now. It will take some serious counseling to resolve this one on both of yalls part. She has to be willing as well. Relationships with break ups hurt. But this too shall pass. It might seem like the end but his is a new beginning. It seems to me like she has guys on her bandwagon and all you have is her. No good my friend. Next time (if there is a next time) make sure you don't put your entire life into a girl. See guys get hit on once a month maybe even once a year girls however get hit on once a day twice a day. They can pick but if you stay up on your game on the things you love and don't allow a person to to suck the life out of you... it seems like you turned into a lost puppy following this woman around and when you were emotionally at rock bottom she bailed. I promise you she did not lose all of herself because you see where she is at. It's a different set of rules. You need a girl to take it off your mind and go do the things you love to do. Allow the pain to surface, face it,deal with it and by that time you'll be able to move on. That, she cheated she is with other guys you are too good for that. You deserve better than that. You deserve a woman that will stay through sickness and health. She is a energy vampire. There is a book called energy vampire. Go get it.

Ive seen it too many times, a girl like that will get it back oneday. Its time to divorce and maybe if you prove she cheated you could possibly get allomony.

s_cianci agrees: But he can't take all the blame on himself. She had a part in it too. Same for your situation.

I completely agree and I told him this in a privet message.

Well, divorce... hrm... I'll be honest. I know in my heart I'm better than to have a girl do this to me. It's true, she's really done some things YOU DO NOT DO in a marriage. It's also true that I've done some things YOU DO NOT DO in a marriage. This may sound kindergarten... but I started it. Honestly, I did. I told her I didn't love her, I kicked her out, I repeatedly overreacted, among other things. I could write a book right now and tell a LOT about all the things I know you shouldn't do in a marriage... lol. (omg I made myself laugh, small victory)

This is kind of where the importance of marriage and commitment come into play, for me at least. I know I could stop the contact, I could stop putting myself through this, and I could just let it be. Marriage means you stick to it. I'm not ultra religious, and I don't share any fundamentalist type views about marriage. But I do take it seriously. I waited over 5 years to ask my wife to marry me. I would never have asked if I didn't know I was 100% willing to work through anything, no matter how hard.

Giving up is an option. You know why people commit suicide? They gave up. I realize this is different, but it is the end of a life, it just comes with the beginning of a new one. So, I'm not going to give up yet.

I'm looking for "forgive and forget", and it will need to happen from both ends. There is no garuntee she will do this. She really is at the point of not wanting to really talk, and not giving me a single signal of hope. She's telling me there "is no more you and me". Right now I really want to work on opening her up to me a little more, and hopefully helping her to see that I'm a great guy again. (and believe me, I am a great guy!)

I'll keep you updated, and as always, thanks so much for your support. It's amazing to me how people take time out of their day (even on christmas) to help someone they will most likely never meet.

Thanks,

Nick

Well, my wife came over and watched a movie with me. I really really tried not to talk about the relationship, but I did break down and ask about it for like 5 minutes...

Again, she was disgusted... I'm pushing her further away.

I want to stick to my guns here and not overwhelm her with this, and try to show her I'm a competent capable man that she wants to be with. I've been trying to get back with her for a month now, and much more the last few days. How badly have a hurt my chances here? If I were to give her some space do you think she'd forget about all the begging and compromise talk... I know this stuff doesn't work, and I'm just naturally compelled to do it. I don't want to make any more mistakes... My marriage is on the line.


Thanks.

I don't think you are the one making the mistakes.

I hope not...

If trying to prove something gets you the stonewall treatment, then I strongly hope you change your tactic. This is not all your fault and to give her a pass for the sake of pleasing her is not going to work. Take a realistic look at this relationship, and see if its all you want also. Maybe its you who need space to evaluate yourself, and how your relating, as her unwillingness to talk honestly is a red flag. Will she do counseling?

You may be married but there is no honest communication, or willingness to work together. Its probably been this way a while. Frankly, I think for awhile you should be apart, and if her reaction is to seek out other males, that's your signal that this relationship is to unequal. Just curious, what was it that was confusing you initialy? It had to be serious enough to question your love for her. What was it?

Hi there,
I have some advice for you in this situation, read this great book, " The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work." By John M. Gottman

When you said that you didn't love your wife anymore. You in a way, turned the spark between you off. Your wife, I know, was hurt extreme. If my husband said that, all my trust and all my love would begin to fall apart. I know you regret saying it but you have to do more that what you have been doing. The book is the best thing than any counselor. Read it and go back to her and tell her how you know you needed to work on making the marriage stronger.
When your wife goes on dates with these guys, she is soaking up their attention, because she feels like her husband doesn't find her attractive and lovable anymore. Secretly, she wants her husband to come back to her. If I were her, I would want my husband to search me out, find me and in front of the date I'm on and in front of everyone, propose again.

Good Luck

If I were her, I would want my husband to search me out, find me and in front of the date I'm on and in front of everyone, propose again.


I'd be wary of this... what if when he proposes, she thinks about the time he said I Don't LOVE YOU ANYMORE... and says NO?

.. that would REALLY f--- this guy up... a LOT.

i'd be wary of this...what if when he proposes, she thinks about the time he said I DONT LOVE YOU ANYMORE...and says NO?

..that would REALLY f--- this guy up...a LOT.

Hmmmm, I guess your right, but why live in denial anymore either?? It takes two and if one person doesn't want the relationship anymore, than it's basically done.

You're an idiot. You obviously haven't been with too many women. She sucked his friggin energy and now he is at bottom. The only thing he can do is find another girl and leave her alone until she comes around. The ball is obviously in her court jackass

He loves her and she is dangling herself to him like a donkey and a carrot. That's bull. That's mental abuse. What, is he going to shake her and say come back to me now? I don't think so. She cheated because he said he didn't love her in the heat of an argument. Stop blaming yourself man. What happenes happens and there is nothing you can do about it. Time heals. Move on. Start the divorce proceedings let her know you are filing. Go regain you self energy back. Become strong again. Time heals.

jasondbel : you're an idiot. You obviously haven't been with too many women. She sucked his friggin energy and now he is at bottom. The only thing he can do is find another girl and leave her alone until she comes around. The ball is obviously in her court jackass

Well you're right about one thing... I haven't been with many woman, actually none. I don't swing that way baby.

Well, today is my first day of no contact... man it was hard. I did go to my parents house, then went to some friends to hang out. I've been watching movies, and trying to keep myself occupied with working out and getting some things done that I've been procrastinating on.


Just curious, what was it that was confusing you initialy? It had to be serious enough to question your love for her. What was it?

Well, that's a good question. I wish to god I knew specifics. It's almost a year ago now. I will tell you that I felt that we were losing some of the "spark". I mistook it for love being gone. I still loved her with all my heart. My aunt told me she wished she had pulled us aside before we got married and talked to us. She would have told us that people say stupid things, that people will grow, and change. That when we don't feel like the spark is there, that we have to look into ourselves to create it instead of blaming the other person. It's good advice.


He loves her and she is dangling herself to him like a donkey and a carrot. That's bull. That's mental abuse. What, is he going to shake her and say come back to me now? I don't think so. She cheated because he said he didn't love her in the heat of an argument. Stop blaming yourself man. What happenes happens and there is nothing you can do about it. Time heals. Move on. Start the divorce proceedings let her know you are filing. Go regain you self energy back. Become strong again. Time heals.

Yea man, it is mental abuse. Really. I get it. I'm not trying to be offensive to any women, but I've learned that logic is not their forte in relationships a lot of time. It's all about how they feel, and what kind of interest level and feeling of security they have with their man. You're right as well, what happens happens. If we could tell the future we wouldn't be posting here. In any case I will BECOME STRONG AGAIN. I'm hoping that the things I can do for myself will help her to see the man I really am. I'm a lovable, loyal, smart guy. I have a great career. I don't cheat. I remind my woman I love her. I'm confident! Right now she's not going to see all of these great things while I'm being her puppy dog. She's going to see that or she won't.

Crista. I wish so much I never "turned the spark off" with my wife. Regret is a powerful emotion. She's definitely seen this other guy, and said there was no sex or kissing. I'm hoping it doesn't evolve into this. I know that a rebound relationship won't work anyhow, and I'm also hoping this dude loses interest... But one thing I'm really trying not to do is think about it. If I want this to work, I need to be able to forgive and forget. We can tackle these issues in counseling. As for making a scene, and trying to show her my undying devotion, it's not going to work. She's not in that mindset right now. It might work down the road, but only if she's unhappy with her life. The movies imply this works, but I'm not a believer. I do assure you however, I've told her how much I love her, how much of a commitment I'm willing to make, etc. Saying it again isn't going to make her suddenly believe it. She needs to see a man she is attracted to again.

Anyhow, I'm unsure how long I should hold out on contact. I have a friend of mine who is giving her some attention, and taking her out to do stuff, and hopefully this will get her mind off this fella she went to see on Friday. Luckily he lives over an hour away, so it's not like they can just han gout all the time. My friend is also going to try and put in a good word now and again. She really trusts his opinion and loves to hang out with him. (OMG it's a guy I'm not jealous of!! Believe me I don't mind if my wife talk to other men, it just depends on how she met them and why she wants to talk to them!! I'm not the total jealous bastard that she's making me out to be!! ). I'm hoping he can help to give her a little perspective and get her to give me a call about counseling. She doesn't know I've been talking to him about any of thisn, and he's not going to be telling her. With any luck, after a few laughs with him she might be open to talking about it to someone besides me.

So, in the meantime, I'm not going to push it. I called a few couselors today, and am going to make a choice on which one to go to soon. I hope she'll call me in the next 2 weeks, and "wants to talk", but we'll see. Either way, I'm going to get help for myself, and if my couselor wants to talk to her, then he/she will call her.

Thanks again for the replies. Every situation is unique, and I've gotten a lot of ideas on how I may be able to go about getting my marriage back. I may not go along with some of it because that's where my heart is, but even the advice I don't take provides a wisdom of choices.

Nick

I think she is an energy vampire and sucks up energy from everyone because she has none of her own

It takes more than a couple words to turn a spark off. This woman obviously has no love for herself a false sense of confidence and she doesn't just want your attention she needs attention anywhere she can get it. What kind of background does this girl have? This is pissing me off because you don't need this . No man needs that. Move on. Forget about her. You have nothing to proe to her. She ruined this relartionship not you. Your obviously a man who knows no other women. That's why this is going to be so painful.

If she's not going to take this time and miss me, then there isn't anything I'm going to be able to do.

My friend talked to her today, and he basically said to me she's hopeless. She otld him that she just thinks I "need to get over it". That's not good new obviously... I DO want her back after all.

But you know something... I didn't feel as terrible when he said that... I knew she'd been saying that to me all along. She didn't say that no, it was never a possibility.. she just told him I needed to get over it. Unfortunately for her, that's exactly what I'm trying to do right now. Get over it. I'll take her back, definitely... I'll love her so much more passionately. But, the truth is, whether I feel that way or not, I'm going to have to accept her answer as it is right now. I'm going to have to accept that it may never change.

She did call me once today, and texted me once. I didn't answer the call. I let it go to voicemail. It was about some bill I needed to pay part of. The odd thing is she knows I don't get paid for a week, and she knows I'm broke right now... I think she just wanted to communicate with me for some reason or another. Then she texted me asking if I got her message saying we needed to talk soon.

She wants me to hang on to her and talk to her, even if she doesn't want me. Anyhow, the bill isn't getting paid until I get paid. She knows that, and perhaps I'll call and talk to her about it then.


Still hoping I'm making the right move here, but keeping some space between her and myself is at least a lot less torture for me.

I also had a girl stay over last night... she's a friend, and we're not romantically involved. She's going through a divorce right now. We've always gotten along really well, and being able to spend several hours talking with someone else going through it helped. I'm going out with her and doing some of the things I may have normally done with my wife, and we're going to a party on Saturday, as friends. My heart isn't ready for a relationship, but my heart also feels good to have a female around who cares about me, even if we aren't taking it any further.

And heck, when my heart heals, who knows what the future holds.

Nick

She did call me once today, and texted me once. I didn't answer the call. I let it go to voicemail. It was about some bill I needed to pay part of. The odd thing is she knows I don't get paid for a week, and she knows I'm broke right now... I think she just wanted to communicate with me for some reason or another. Then she texted me asking if I got her message saying we needed to talk soon.

She wants me to hang on to her and talk to her, even if she doesn't want me. Anyhow, the bill isn't getting paid until I get paid. She knows that, and perhaps I'll call and talk to her about it then.

This jumped off the page at me, as a perfect example of how you are twisting in your mind, her motivation. She knows your payday, and is letting you know in advance of an obligation that needs YOUR attention, and nothing more, and its not just to hear your voice, but to take care of business. Shared finances have a way of being lost after a break up. At least your finally accepting the break up, and if you deal with the past bills, She will have no reason to bother you and no contact can heal you.

I agree with tal. If she said HEY, I STILL HAVE ONE SOCK THAT BELONGS TO YOU... then that's calling for attention.

If she says PAY YOUR BILLS... that's saying PAY THIS CRAP AND MOVE ON.

Here's an upside: at least she's not saying... LET'S SEE WHERE WE STAND IN A MONTH OR TWO...

Good luck.

"She wants me to hang on to her and talk to her, even if she doesnt want me." This is symptomatic of heartbreak, denial of what you previoiusly wrote: "My friend talked to her today, and he basically said to me she's hopeless. She told him that she just thinks i 'need to get over it'." I have called it a mind trick; Talaniman has written that this is what causes impulsive actions, i.e. phonecalls, emails, texting, etc.

Aboleth, don't knock No Contact when you don't believe it and haven't done it. I would just refer you to the two stickies, or the hotlinks on Talaniman's notes.

Life is not all about fun and excitement. That's what most people need to learn in this society.

Well, she came over last night after I hadn't talked to her for 5 days. She seemed to listed a bit more about some of the realizations that I've come to about the relationship, and how much I know she's been hurt. I tried to keep it mostly about her for the time being. I didn't really want her to come over, because I knew it would be a step backwards in my "recovery". She's still not budging... I've tried everything. Now I'm sitting here about to cry... again... I called her and she rejected my call, I was going to talk to her and ask if anything I said last night had sunk in. She won't answer me, so I left a message...

I don't want to give this up... Still don't know what to do... I guess I'm just going to accept it for now and keep trucking in my own direction. This is so damn hard... she looked beautiful last night... I love my wife so much, I wish she loved me back.

Now I feel lik I've taken a step backwards... all the pain resurfaced again... Perhaps she's doing me a favor by not answering... I don't know. All I know right now is I'm heartbroken to the extreme. I'm going to have to stop torturing myself over this eventually... it's just so hard when I know this breakup is a mistake for both of us and we have feelings still... She's just not seeing it.

*sigh*

Yea... by the way I'm going to stick to no contact again, obviously the bills have to be paid etc, and will require some contact... but I'm going to try and keep it as little as possible until I can heal up. Just feels like I'm giving up on my wife by doing this, but you guys are probably right...

OK, I'm not understanding something here. All of this has happened almost a year ago, she had been gone for almost 6 months, why are you still at this?
What kind of relationship did you have while you were dating for 7 years and what made you decide to finally marry? Then what caused you to think you no longer loved her?
Depending on the answer to these questions, it may be you wife is just too angry and will not come back to you. She is telling you in many ways that she is done.
I can understand that after 7 years it's hard to say good bye, but do you still love her or you just don't want to say good bye.
If she is going out with all these men are you going to be able to take her back if she wants to come back without freaking out, or are you going to decide you don't love her anymore like you did before?

You wrote: "it's just so hard when I know this breakup is a mistake for both of us". This a mind trick ('denial'?) when you make that judgement for her because, really, you can only decide for numero uno, you.

You wrote: "Just feels like I'm giving up". Another mind trick, in which you are accepting the responsibility and fault for all of it. I'm still doing that 30+ days later, but I'm able to see it and adjust. You need to look out for yourself, see the issues, and make the adjustments. By the way, are you a sports fan? You know what happens when your team fails to recognize what the opponent is doing and fails to adjust? What happens during every half-time of every football game? Between innings of every baseball game? You think they are talking about girls or the stockmarket?

Homegirl 50:

Well, yea things have sucked for about 6 months, this is true. The relationship before we were married was awesome. I would have never asked her to marry me after 5 years of dating if it wasn't. What caused me to think I wasn't in love anymore... I guess the inevitable "loss of spark" that can happen after things stay the same too long. I believe we both lost some interest, and weren't feeling the same excitement. I never actually didn't love her, perhaps I just didn't know the ups and downs of love well enough at that point. And yes, she's sure mad at me... and at the risk of soudning like this is "all my fault" again, she has every right to be mad. So do I, I suppose. If we're going to get past this then I think there's going to be a lot of forgiving and forgetting involved. I can forgive and forget, so that's that.

George:

Yea I'm blaming myself a lot here. Hard not to when you know that things could have been different with some work on your side. I'm just trying to get her interested in me right now, and then we can both work on things. Again, I want to see a couselor.


Nick

My god you are perfect!

Well, to all of you who have taken the time out to respond to me, I appreciate it. It's of course been a tough time. I've pretty much been spending most of my time cleaning up, working out, etc. My heart is slowly healing I suppose.

A few updates.

Found out she's basically hooking up with more guys over the internet... and not even for relationships, just sex. This is not the person I married. I had a lot more respect for her than that. Either way, if she's been sexually involved with other men, I'm not going to be able to take her back. The intimacy won't be the same, and I'm not willing to take her back after that. It sucks, because I love her... and at this point am actually concerned about the life she is choosing for herself right now, but it's her life, and that's not going to be my concern anymore.

I do feel good knowing I did everything I could in my power to make the marriage work. I'm a loyal, trustworthy man, and she's losing that. I'm losing the woman I love because she just went down a road I couldn't follow her down. I need loyalty, commitment, compassion. None of which I've been getting. So, after all is said and done, I'm going to be better off. I tried, I tortured myself, I cried enough to grow a flower in the desert. Now, the tears are turning off, and sometimes... I still want to cry when I think of her, but I don't. I prefer not to know what's going on in her life right now.

As for me, I'm talking to a few women here and there. Obviously my heart isn't into a real relationship right now, but it makes me feel better to go out on a date. Makes me confident that the right one is out there for me somewhere. I've been talking to a 26 year old neuroscientist who is HILARIOUS and beautiful. If she wants to go out with me then perhaps my ego is getting a much needed boost lol. (we're going out Saturday by the way, and yes she is aware I'm coming off a breakup) We'll see what happens. It's kind of weird how the heart works... sometimes things just click you know? Anyhow I'm definitely not looking for sex or a fling, just looking to get out there and talk to some quality people.

So, yes... I miss my wife terribly. I loved our life together (until recently) and I'll keep those fond memories. As for being with her again, well, it's just not going to happen at this point.

She came over unannounced today, and I told her that she cannot come over without calling me first. She needed some things, we talked a bit, and she left. She was crying and very hurt when I told her that I didn't want her to just come by, which is odd to me seeing how she's been so very cold and didn't seem to want anything to do with me. I need my privacy now, and having her come over is not helping me heal at all. Give it a year or 2, then perhaps we can be friends... right now, not going to happen.

Still wishing things could have been better, but I hear the fat lady singing in the background... so I guess the show is over.

Thanks a lot for all of your support.

Sorry things did not work out for you two and I wish you peace in your decision.

Are there no kids involved? No mention of them and I find that odd after all that time.

Nahh, no kids, and no house... Everyone says that makes it easier... They are probably right, but I tell you what... my heart is still incredibly broken right now. We do still have to talk about some things... Sucks to have to... I'm trying to stay away from her. This is all very very hard. Right now I'm feeling kind of depressed and thinking about her. A friend is picking me up soon so hopefully that keeps me occupied. I start counseling on Wednesday. Again, thanks to everyone for their help, I'll keep you all updated.

Nick

Still pretty depressed, but things are getting better I suppose. Until her things are out of my house I don't have much of a choice but to talk to her now and again. I was stupid the other night and when she came over I turned into a total emotional wreck... Not helping the situation any.

Seems like she's also snooping on what's going on in my life, and sends me texts etc asking me who I'm with or where I've been... I usually don't respond. It sends me a very confusing messages, because if she didn't still care for me, why would she ask? She knows I'm pretty miserable and am willing to work on things... She also knows I'm trying to move on here and that I've gone out with a few girls, none of which I told her...

I'd like to be with her, sure... But I think right now what I want more is just not to know anything at all about her. She's sooooo different than she used to be. I guess I still feel rejected, and that she thinks there's a better man out there for her than me. What a sucky feeling.

Should I continue with as little contact as possible and just hope she works this stuff out in her head? We've had very little contact (most of it was necisarry), and it always seems to put me back at square one... Just keep wondering why she seems so interested in my life if she doesn't want me? ARGH

Don't worry about why she seems interested. Continue to have as little contact as possible. This is all about you now. Get yourself together.
I wish you the best

Thanks, just got back from the couselor. Helped a bit. She's coming over to get her things on Saturday. I won't be here. Her reason for not going to counseling was that she had a date with someone else... Pretty hurtful... I don't want to know that... Anyhow, I'm not going to be talking to her at this point, I've done what I can.

aboleth writes: "...I've done what I can." That's what I would call a big step forward, coming to that realization.

So, she came on Saturday and took all her things... "our things". Whatever you want to call it. We split things up pretty well. I had organized some things the night before, but I made sure to be out of town while she came to get stuff. Coming back home hurt a lot... Cats are gone, a lot of my art, and the dishes... a lot more too.

Other than to ask for something she hasn't contacted me. I of course wish she would, but I'm trying to stick to my guns and move on solo. I'm still sitting here wondering what went wrong and how we got to where we are... I never thought things were so bad. The day before she came to get her stuff we had to talk about arrangements, and she was crying telling me how this was all so hard for her. I don't get it. If it's so hard why won't she let me back into her heart? I'd be happy to see a therapist, work with her, and make this better than before... She just doesn't want to work on it. I didn't say these things on the phone and kept it strictly business, but I definitely thought about things...

She signed a lease at a new apartment, and will be moving in there on Wednesday. Some part of me thinks I forced her into these decisions by pushing too hard for her to make one. I'm not blaming myself, but in that situation I'd probably have been pushed really far away. So, she made her decision and moved ahead with leaving me by getting her things and signing a lease somewhere else.

I feel with this lease signed, and her getting new things, that it will be much harder for her to come back, but I suppose that's the way it is going to be. She's been living with her mother, who isn't too fond of me, and now she'll be going into debt to get furniture and things for her new place. Damn, I wish she'd put on the brakes and let me at least try counseling with her.

I'm feeling especially heartbroken tonight for some reason. I know it will get better, but with all the mixed messages, it's hard for me to accept things as they are. She seriously was the light of my life for a long time. She's probably been done with this relationship for a long time too... If I had known it would have come to this I would have done a million things differently. I know she'd have worked on it with me, back when she was still willing to communicate. Now, all the doors seem closed. I don't really know what to do... obviously talking to her won't help. I guess I'm just going to hope she calls me one day? Does she have to go through an inevitably bad bounceback relationship? Argh...

Anyhow, I'm still hurting pretty bad. I think I'm going to get out of town for a bit in February. Get my mind off things.

Thanks for the update, man; and if you can just go NC and take care of yourself for the next few weeks, you will see things in a different light, just give it some time.

That is a dumb analogy

I think I'm going to get out of town for a bit in February. Get my mind off things.Good idea. Meanwhile, do not blame yourself for any of this. You cannot take responsibility for someone else's feelings or actions. We all make bad choices from time to time. Sometimes we choose bad jobs, bad cars, bad friends and even bad spouses. It seems like in this case you chose a bad wife. That doesn't mean that that choice has to haunt you for the rest of your life. Just see it for what is it, a bad decision, and learn from it. Then get out of it, just like you would quit the bad job, trade in the bad car or whatever.

So, please send me to the corner with the dunce cap. She asked for help fixing her laptop, because it had a virus. Virus turned out to be a keylogger. Unfortunately for me, I found the log output...

She's basically Cybering with other guys oin the internet. Local guys too... Dammit I didn't want to see that stuff... Totally breaks my heart... I love her so damn much, and I don't know how I'm going to get over this constant heartache...

*sigh*, back to no contact and not being a dumbass...

Nick

You can remove the cap after 24 hours; did she set you up or what??

So, please send me to the corner with the dunce cap. She asked for help fixing her laptop, because it had a virus. Virus turned out to be a keylogger. Unfortunately for me, I found the log output....

She's basically Cybering with other guys oin the internet. Local guys too... Dammit I didn't want to see that stuff... Totally breaks my heart... I love her so damn much, and I don't know how I'm gonna get over this constant heartache...

*sigh*, back to no contact and not being a dumbass...

Nick

Now that's a real bummer, but reality hurts, and I think that was her point. Cruel, but effective. Yuck! :( :mad:

Ok, this is day number 8 of no contact. Removed everything in my life that reminded me of her. All the pictures, all the stuff on the web, even the stuff we had saved in the basement from the wedding. It's all gone now.

I still think of her, but not so much now. I'm actually starting to enjoy my freedom, and getting out a bit more. For all of you that said that time helps... you're right... It does. No contact works as well.

When I first decided to try out the no contact thing it was because I was hoping she'd miss me and call. Now I'm realizing more and more that it's for me. It's so I can feel better and manage my pain level through this difficult time. She hasn't called or texted me, and I don't really feel all too bad about it. That phone call or text message would just set me back... I want to move forward. If she were to call, it would go to voicemail, and that's that. I've been through way too much to let her get ahold of me again. It's to the point that I don't think I'd be able to take her back. She's done some really cold and mean things, and I don't think she has it in her to be the woman that I need in my life.

So, I'm going to get out there and look for an "upgrade" at some point. Someone who fits better. My wife and myself were always friends. The 7 years we lived together we were BEST FRIENDS. I don't really miss the sexual or intimate relationship as much as I miss having my best friend around. Right now, we can't be friends - but I'm open to it further down the road, after we've both moved on. I hope we can have a healthy friendship at some point as opposed to a bad marriage. I've just plain come to realize that it wasn't working, and she wasn't going to put in the effort that I was willing to put in. I'm sure she felt the same way about it at times as well.

So, I'm feeling allright. I'm not the happiest man alive, but I feel so much more empowered by taking the situation into my own hands and moving on for myself.

I'll keep you all updated. Thanks for the help.

Nick

aboleth writes: "When i first decided to try out the no contact thing it was because I was hoping she'd miss me and call. Now I'm realizing more and more that it's for me. It's so i can feel better and manage my pain level through this difficult time." Thanks so much for the update. It gets better, though I would wish no one would have to ever go through this.