Today after splitting up for about 1 month, not seen/spoken to my ex-gf in 2weeks, I went over to my ex-GF house gave her a enveloped letter saying how I felt and briefly spoke to her for about 20mins just about how she is doing/ how I am before saying I must leave. She was surprised to see me but was very happy. She obviously missed me a lot as she hugged me a lot and I didn't iniate anything. I asked her what she was doing for new years eve - she said nothing, which I was kind of glad of and noted. Anway, I gave her the letter and told her to read it after I left.

About an hour later, I phoned her. My plan was simply to ask her if she would like to do something on new years eve. She said she thought it was'nt a good idea, we would be getting drunk, things mite happen - bugger, the letter obviously did not have any miraculous effects.

I asked her how she felt now - did still feel the same? Did she need more time still - I told her how difficult it was for me not to phone or see her but I am doing it out of respect for her. She told me she keeps nearly making up her mind up about us, but when she sees me she's not sure again. At first I was thinking this means she has decided to end it, but sees me and is unsure. I questioned her about and she says no, instead, she misses me so much she keeps thinking she wants to get back together, but when she sees me she gets so upset again and hates being this upset. I asked her if she would consider couples counseling - she said she would but is v embarressed about the idea. I told her I would find out more about it. She is calling me tomorrow. This is a good step don't you think?

NC does not always work! Do not blindly follow what other people tell you to do. The reason my girlfriend split up with me is because I did not pay her enough attention, it seemed I wasn't that bothered about her. How wrong she is! Hopefully counseling can sort that out. She says she still loves me and will always love me - I have to believe that is enough to get us through this.

Good luck! Of course every relationship is different so yes, if you're girlfriend broke up with you because you didn't pay her enough attention than of course NC wouldn't be right for your situation. I think when people say do "NC" is it usually because (1) the relationship is definitely over or (2) the reason for the breakup was that one of the partner's needed space because the other partner was being too needy/clingy, etc.

Well for me, and a lot of others here, doing N/C is a way for us to heal our hearts and be able to move forward with our lives. I'm not doing it to try to get mt ex boyfriend back, I'm doing it to get my life back, and to rid myself once and for all of the feelings of hurt and pain that I've felt for far too long. I'll admit that in the beginning I broke N/C several times and all it did was take me back to square one in my healing. Now it's been almost 2 months of N/C and I'm feeling stronger than I have in a really long time. It's thanks to several of the other posters here that I did N/C, and I'm so thankful that I finally listened to them! :)

NC does not always work! Do not blindly follow what other people tell you to do. The reason my gf split up with me is because i did not pay her enough attention, it seemed i wasnt that bothered about her. How wrong she is! Hopefully councelling can sort that out. She says she still loves me and will always love me - i have to believe that is enough to get us through this.Be careful. Women rarely tell you the real reason for their breakup. Actually you probably smothered the sh_t out of her and gave her no space whatsoever. See, I once had a girlfriend break up with me with pretty much the same story as yours. But as I look back I have to admit that I smothered her to death and was way too clingy and needy. Naturally it was a big turn-off to her. The only irony is that her excuse to me was almost the exact opposite of what was really on her mind. I think you may be facing a similar situation here. Writing her letters and saying "don't read it until I leave", suggesting couples counseling, etc. are going to be seen by her as signs of weakness, even if you have good intentions. Those options may make sense from an "academic" point of view but I doubt that she's looking at this from an intellectual approach. No contact really is best. It'll make her realize that you can be happy with or without her and it'll also make her realize that if she wants to see you, she has to work for the opportunity. Women like a challenge in relationships and when you're always there and always available to them 24/7/365, that's no challenge and they get bored. Being needy and clingy were bad habits for me during my bachelor years, not just where this one girlfriend is concerned but with most of them. But you know, in breaking up with me, not one of them ever said "you're too needy, you're too clingy, you don't give me any space." Perhaps they weren't fully consciously aware of it themselves, in which case you can hardly expect them to verbalize it. Now you can pooh-pooh the advice that's given on this forum but it is the voice of experience and, in a lot of cases, even academic research on the subject.

I would say get back to us in two months, if you have now already got your hopes up, starting to make new plans, and nothing happens, you are back to day one of heart ache and have not one step forward to getting over her. NC is to get over someone, not a way to get back with them, if you want to get back with them, of course you have to have contact.

Pretty much same here s_cianci, although there were lots of other reasons to.

Keep us updated.

This is what I call "Whistling past the graveyard." You are confused; she just doesn't want to hurt you.

I see the confusion here, Wot2do. You think you can correct your past mistakes by being attentive now? Women don't work that way, and I think you should accept, that its to little, to late. They get so pissed if they have to tell you something you should know, if that's the real and only reason for the break up, which I seriously doubt.

Maybe you guys are right, that I am setting myself up for a fall. But maybe she is generally confused, was unhappy in the relationship, loves me more than anything but at the moment can't see a way for the relationship to work. This may be where counselling will help.

Although - I am getting very mixed messages. For example I also asked her if she would like to go out on new years eve (because she said she wasn't do nethin when I asked her when I went to her house) and she thought it was a bad idea because we would be getting drunk and things mite happen. Clearly she doesn't want to jump right back into a relationship where things were the same before. But when I talk to her about how I feel and tell her I never realised little things I did before that made her upset but I do now I think maybe I am getting through. She was getting upset on the phone - I was calm - and I asked her are you getting upset for me or for yourself ? Because if she is crying over upsetting me clearly she has already decided its over - I am still not sure on that answer.
Anyway I also asked her is anything I am saying/doing making a difference? And she said it was. I said to her that I really don't want to not see her anymore and how does she feel about spending sometime together. She said she really wanted to do that - and said about after new years she has a week off. I said I was worried because I don't want her to start seeing me as just a friend. She said she will never see me as just a friend so I should not worry about that. Also a confusing statement.

My biggest problem at the moment is I am doing my finals at university, exams, coursework - I'm major behind - I was a top grade student and now I might not get the grade I want. Not talking to her did not help, talking to her - well I'm not sure if it helped.. depends how the conversation tonight goes. At the moment I feel able to concentrate, but if she changes her mind tonight which I'm worried about... arg. I love her too much to not try - I really think it will just be a slow process, gaining her trust, and trying again in the future. I wander what the couples counselor will say - 3rd party may help untangle what she is really thinking.

I didn't iniate anything

You sure did by going over and giving her an envolope. No contact works and apparently you have not seen how contact has hurt you and her. It is over, and she obviously can not make up her mind. The moment you showed up, guess what ended up happening. You ended the no contact. Now your in deeper then before. It is not going to work. Stop iniatating contact.

A relationship is over when one partner, for whatever reason, is unwilling to work with the other partner anymore. At that point, there are NO fixable problems. Its over. And until you accept that FACT, you will spin your wheels in confusion, and false hope.

I am really finding this hard and need some words of encouragement. My (ex?) girlfriend and I have been txting lots over xmas; although she does take a long time to respond which is really annoying!! Should I read into it?

Secondly, she said she wants to spend some time together, but she still needs more time - wth does that mean? TO WOMAN: what does she need this time to think about? Surely the only question she should be asking is 'Is my life better with this man in it or not?' End of story. It's already been a month since we broke up - she says she keeps thinking she wants me back but then get upset when I am there. Will som1 shoot me now please? Now she already said she would go for counseling so maybe I am just being very selfish and trying to move things on faster but god dam this is so hard.

What should I do? Am I single? Its new years eve soon - should I go out on the pull? I honestly don't want anybody in the world but her and I'm not attracted to anyone else at the moment - which is odd because when I was with her for the first 3 years I was always thinking I could do better. Although I realised I loved her and wanted to spend the rest of our lives together and she is perfect and I don't want anyone else. DAMMIT I Want to SCREAM - IM GOING CRAZY!!

I think you are working it way too hard. She takes too long to respond? You are being too demanding. She says she need more time? Give her eternity, my man. You need peace and be able to rid yourself of confusion. In my humble view, it is absolute NC for her; go to the internet, library, or book store and read everything you can on this subject while you are interested in it.

My advice... Go out, hang with friends, live your life, concentrate on you. Give this girl the time she needs to think, and maybe by the time she figures it out you'll be past it and happy either enjoying the single life or in a new relationship. Believe me I thought my world would end when my ex broke up with me (just read my previous posts to see how pathetic I was), well guess what, my world didn't end and I'm feeling happier and more at peace than I have in a really long time. Please trust me, things WILL get better, with OR without her! :)

Dude...

Everyone here tells you... back off. Give her space. Don't do anything. Fulfill your own life.

... you come back the next day and go I SAW HER AND IT WENT BADLY... or... I CALLED HER AND THERE WAS NOTHING... well... duh?

You guys are broken up. It's over. You're single. She's single. You're entitled to COMPLETE freedom, so is she. The only reason she's talking to you is because she doesn't want that void to happen. Obviously, you meant something to her in her life. With you completely gone, she has to deal with the void. So she doesn't. She wants to remain friends. This way, she doesn't have that big gaping hole, but she's also single.

If you don't want to hurt, quit seeing her... quit talking to her... quit texting her... quit EVERYTHING.

Go on about your life like she doesn't exist. 2 things can happen this way:

1: she'll miss you so much... and come back (from what I can tell... that... is kind of unlikely. You've beaten the dead horse... and then burned it)

2: you two will move on. And the NC thing will help you move on that much better.

If you continue to contact her, 1 thing can happen:

1: you will push her away even further into the friend zone. Sooner or later, she'll be annoyed/frustrated with you and she will stop contacting you. She will find someone new (or remain single) but in either case, you will be upset. Nothing good will come out of this.

Isneezefunny - We are not over - she has said that she wants to go to couples counseling - thereby she has not lost hope in our relationship. She said she loves me and will always love me, said she keeps nearly calling to get back together but she is having trouble getting over the things I've done in the past to upset her (ignoring her needs completely) and is worried I won't change and things will go back to the way they were. This is not a simple case of she's dumped me get over it. We have been together nearly 4 years and for the last year I've practically ignored everything she wanted to do because I was not sure how I felt about her anymore. The last few months I realised she is the one for me but obviously this has taken its tole on her.

Maybe she will never forgive me thereby there is no way we can move on but I believe a independent 3rd party can at least separate these issues - us and the relationship. Either way it is hard to give her the time she so obviously needs now and true what I must do is concentrate on myself, my exams and my health to stop myself going crazy in the mean time. This is not a lost cause, I do not 'do' lost causes.

Your basing all of this on "she said". What does she do, besides talk??

Another symptom: "Maybe she will never forgive me". You are taking the blame. There is a reason why all is not well. I hope you can find it, sooner rather than later.

Your so right talaniman! At this moment in time it is all talk. I mean when we see each other she if very touchy feely but in essence all she is doing is agreeing to things I am suggesting. I know the path I am on is very self-destructive and many have fallen before me on it but I can't give up on her yet. I keep going through in my head things she has said to me like never being apart, she was saving up for a house for 2 of us, she even asked for some plates and cups for us ready when we do eventually get a house for her birthday like 2 months ago from her mum. Always asking when I would marry her, I remember several occasions she would say 'your never going to marry me are you' and I would say yea one day if your lucky - make a joke out of it. I think I tried to make her insecure about us but I don't know why :( I feel so stupid for not seeing this coming. And now I feel like everyone can see what's happening but me and I'm too stupid too realise but she gives me hope sometimes - little things she says, the counseling is a huge part of that actually. I have to believe - I don't want to feel like I did again when she first broke up with me.

I feel for you w2d but you have to understand as long as you push the issue she will walk further and further away. I would ignore most of what she is saying because she is confused and she will confuse you more. All the talk of gettign a house 2 gether etc.. Is common my ex said the same types of things. Be very careful go NC right away for u! If it will work itself out if she ends up wanting you back BELIEVE me you will know it will be obvious and you will then have a decision to make. Good Luck!

I can't take it anymore - we have been txting over xmas but she is so slow to respond to text messages - the last one she asked me if I wanted to do do somin on sun night (I txted her a while before asking if she would like to do somin that wknd), I replied to 5hrs later to give her a taste of her own medicine + I was out at my cousins, she has not replied too 24 hours +later.

I think she is not interested in counseling, in me, in giving it a go whatsoever. I just wrote a text message out which I have yet to send please help - should I send it ? It goes like this : "i think its obvious you are not considerin getting back together at all, i can't take all this waitinf for yout txt or calls anymore, its not fair. I do not want too force u 2 meet with me or go too couples councelling as i think u do not want too. I love u so much its killing me but i can't force you 2 b with me or prove i can change. I said this before but im goin too try and move on. I think this i s what u want deep down and its just too hard for you too admit. I thought I was your one. xxx"

Is this OK or not please respond.

Please do not send that text, for your sake. You have already said everything you need to say, and then some. It has gotten you nowhere. This last text won't do anyone any good either--but it will make you feel like a sap when she doesn't respond the way you want her to. If she responds at all. I think it's high time to cut your losses, and start moving along. 2008 is just around the corner and may it bring clarity and peace of mind to all of us here.

You started this thread saying NC wasn't the best option for you. But, as I read through, I witnessed your emotional turmoil time and time again for the past few weeks. Perhaps if you had gone the NC route you would have saved yourself this anguish. Granted, sometimes we have to make one last attempt, give it one more try, just to make sure that it's not going to turn out differently this time.

Men, women, it doesn't matter--people are really quite simple. If they want to see you, be with you, talk to you, feel you, smell you, they will--and nothing will stop them. She doesn't want to do any of those things, and her semblance of trying to work things out is just a way for her to assuage her guilt, to not feel like "the bad guy".

Suffice it to say, it will suck, but you are not alone. I was dumped about a month ago and have been in agony. Have I picked up the phone? Absolutely not. Have I tried to make any kind of contact? Hell no. And I work with him. Imagine how difficult it is trying not to think of someone only to be constantly reminded of their presence.

At the end of the day, I have my dignity, and self-respect. I am not crawling after anybody who is not able to realize what a great person I am. Do I want to hold him by the collar and tell him what an idiot he is? Of course I do, but I'm not giving him that satisfaction.

Like I said, it is sheer hell, but at least you'll be able to hold your head up high and say "I don't deserve this. Good bye."

Good luck.

No, its not okay.

Try this: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/how-break-up-survive-101-use-you-wish-114179.html

And the hot links at the bottom of Talaniman's signature.

Well guys I should have listened to you all earlier lol. She still had not txted me back about whether meet up - (she was the one who first sugggested it may I add). So 24hrs later I txted her one last chance saying "do u want to come out or not, uve not txtd". Unsurpisingly her phone was off (again!) so I thought okay clearly her actions are speaking far louder than anything she is saying. So I txted her saying 'You clearly are not considering us getting back together, I'm sure you are not trying to hurt me. I'm going to move on." When she turned her phone back on she txt back saying this: "I'm so sorr 4 hurting you. I really hate myself so much. I do want to see you and meet up with you but I'm not ready to get back together and I don't think its fair on you. I just don't know what to do. I want you to be happy which I now is stupid to say as I've upset you so much. Xxx" I have not and will not respond. I am on NC, I've removed her from Facebook and her friends so I can't check up on her, deleted her emails and moved away her photos. I've even applied for a job in the USA (im from UK) which starts this summer. I see now I was deluding myself but my god the things she used to say still eat me up inside. Why do woman say these things if they don't really mean it? Anway I'm moving on and I'm not looking back. Thanks for your advice all.

Thanks for your update. You said: " my god the things she used to say still eat me up inside. Why do woman say these things if they dont realy mean it?" Perhaps, in many instances, females understand the game, the contest, better than males.

She may of mean't every word she said to you, but we all know females can change their minds.

A lady doesn't leave the man she loves confused or with a sick stomach. Neither does a lady with a man she hates, for that matter, unless she be after something else.

Do you mean you think her actions suggest she's after som1 else? I asked her if she was interested in som1 else a while ago in one of our conversations she said no. But who knows? I don't suppose she would tell me if she was - she hasn't exactly made this break up easy for me (telling me she loves me and will always love me, and needs some time and maybe she will want to get back together or maybe not was her words originally or something like that). She defintely is not the type of girl to cheat on me but maybe that's why she broke up with me. If she does start seeing anyone else I imagine I would find out through a friend of mine eventually... If true then I'm going to have so much trouble trusting another woman because my ex, ex kind of cheated on me too.

In reality I guess its none of my business anymore what she does; and is all the more reason why I must stay no contact. Also why I want to america for a year or 2 and get away from it all lol. I hope I'm not acting to rash.

You wrote: " If true then I'm gona have so much trouble trusting another woman cus my ex, ex kinda cheated on me too."

Please do not put your gf's problems onto the next women in your life. This is one experience that you can learn from and grow through, if you are willing. Those girls are tricky and like to test you. You need to work on relationship skills. Do some research, but do not settle on the first thing you find; check multiple sources.

By moving away your just running from your problems and the distance won't make them go away! I was similar to you I applied for jobs I didn't want just to get away but I quickly realised it wouldn't make a difference.

I also have had my doubts about N/C because I would still like to get my ex back in all honesty. I received a chain text from my ex two nights ago, now I don't know why she sent it to me but I ignored it and I've heard nothing since to say happy new year or anything but I'm happy if id replied id have got a few texts then been back to square one emotionally!

Love those links George.

The time is past trying to figure her mind and motivations out. The thing to do now is allow the healing process to work. Love yourself, and be happy with who you are.

Why am I still getting upset every day? I am revising, I am going to gym, going out every night - yet every day I get upset and keep thinking of the little things we used to do together like sing these little silly songs too each other. Im so worried about my exams :(

Worry about your exams, that's the most important thing right now. Your doing all of the right things I know I've been there when I was at uni/college but this is your future and your career don't let one person destroy what you've already worked so hard for!

In time you will see that you have no power to change things by getting upset, do what your doing and avoid contact where possible... or at least until your exams are over

Why am I still getting upset every day? I am revising, i am goin to gym, going out every night - yet every day i get upset and keep thinking of the little things we used to do together like sing these little silly songs too each other. Im so worried about my exams :(

Its only withdrawal that your going through. Don't give in to the craving, and time will heal you. Its supposed to hurt, because you cared, and this is a great loss to deal with.

Thanks for your support guys you've been great. I was wandering when you think I should start dating again. I mean how do I know when I'm ready? At the moment I feel rejected and kind of worthless. So I've gone abit crazy and registered for about 10 different dating websites lol just too see if I can get any interest or if it is actually me. I don't know whether I would go on a date yet but maybe I just want some attention. Is dating like this wrong? Ive never been in a relationship for nearly 4 years before so I don't know protocol. I still would take my ex back in a moments notice so I'm defintely not ready for another serious relationship but is dating OK?

I would give yourself a little more time, if you feel worthless then what do you expect you'll be like on a date! If your heart isn't in it don't do it, any dates will be horrible they'll go badly and you'll miss your ex even more!

I know you want to feel wanted and that you are attractive (im the same) but going on dates isn't the way to get yourself worth back the only person who can do that is you and you alone.

That's just my opinion others may take a different view

At least you recognise your feelings for attention, but for now love yourself and be happy who you are, and let the healing process work. You'll know when your ready by how good you feel about yourself. People who jump into dating so soon after a break up, fall for anything, and rebound relationships usually end in disaster. Be patient.

You wrote: "So i've gone abit crazy and registered for about 10 different dating websites lol just too see if i can get any interest or if it is actually me. I dont know whether I would go on a date yet.... Is dating like this wrong?...I still would take my ex back in a moments notice so im defintely not ready for another serious relationship...."
Developing 'coping strategies' is very important because you need some activities, some things to do. I think dating websites is a good place to spend some time each day, looking to develop friendships. As long as you are not trying to get acutal dates, you can make friends many miles away, only don't fall in love that way!

So at this moment, you feel lonely, dejected, and I'm sure you feel like there's no one in the world right now.

Wait. DO NOT DATE YET. I made this mistake of going out to dinner with a girl... and the entire time, I kept comparing her to my ex (in my head)... wasn't a pleasant experience really.

They say give roughly 1 month for every year you've been together if you've dated for less than 5 years... and 2 months for every year you've been together if more than 5 years. Of course, this differs from person to person.

For me, it's been 4 weeks since the breakup and 3 weeks since last contact. I'm going to just... give myself time. And chill. Who knows, maybe I won't date for another 6 months... the point is, I don't care. I'm not looking to date again anytime soon. I have fun chilling with my friends, playing with my dog, and just doing my hobbies (this website, work, going to the gym, playing pool (just picked this up btw))

Take your time. When you're ready, women will come sniffing around as you'll look like a guy who's ready.

Okay, it's the 2 week mark again. 2 weeks after she broke up with me couldn't take it anymore we went for dinner - (saw her). 2 weeks after than, couldn't take it anymore, wrote her a letter, took it around to her house (saw her). Now 2 weeks on I'm having those feelings again - what is with this 2 week mark, I mean its been hard the whole time but its like I get to around the 2 week mark and I just want to go around to her house and see her. Its my exam tomorrow, she knows this, she knows how stressed I get around my exams, yet she's not even text me saying good luck or anything - she doesn't care anymore or what?
I've been good, keeping N/c been working mostly, gyming, even got a few interests on the old dating websites not that I've signed up for nethin or mailed back because I just think it would be unfair on any girls I went out with now. Can girls just stop caring? Is it that simple... WAM BAM no more feeling? Also it keeps going over and over in my head her last text '"I'm not ready to get back together". I keep thinking why did she word it like this, suggests that she might be ready in the future?
I know I shouldn't be thinking like that but I'm so stressed right now and she was my main support and now its gone. My parents/friends are great but its no comparisson. I'll be so happy when my exam is out the way!

Man, you covered a lot of interesting issues:

1) You wrote: "i get to around the 2 week mark and i just want to go around to her house and see her". Be truthful: you want to go see her every hour of every day. Your focus is not on getting your personal life together without her.

2) You wrote: "Can girls just stop caring?" She has an agenda for her life and you are not on it.

3) The stress of school, work, or family life can be overwhelming. Then add to that the stress of a broken heart. That is why there is NC, so that you can put some time and distance between the fog and confusion of a breakup. Over a period, more than two weeks, the rough edges begin to smooth, and your focus turns to more healthy thoughts. Use the resources on this site to your advantage and you will do fine.

Id say see how it goes. The fact that she is still beating around the bush.. means something.. if she wanted to come back to you.. she would have rang you up and said. Hey babe lets get back together.

I've never seen someone walk over to there Xs house and go hey.. want to get back together. And the X go.. umm hmm.. Sure why not! :-)
if they really misst you they would talk to you and ring you up and want you around them.

people like that like other people want them in there lives.

And girls never tell you the real reason why they brake up. I mean people for that matter.
some have good reasons some not so good.
and all of them just hurt.

People don't just wake up and stop caring or feeling. They can leave you and steal kind of care about you but not in the way you want them. To it happens over a few weeks they keep thinking about it.. and its in the back of there mind. Then one day they just act on it. And change
people never do stuff out of the blue they plan to brake up. They plan to sleep with someone else. Its all planned :)

But I do wish you all of the luck :)

Okay so it's the day of my exam, I had a terrible sleep last night - didn't even think of my exam just thinking how angry and upset that she has not even bothered to message good luck luck. She knows what I'm like. I wander how long she was unhappy and just put up with things in the relationship before she decided enuf is enuf. She must really not like me :(
Why am I still obsessing over here GRRRRRR - sorry I really am taking all your advice, I'm sticking to N/C I just like to express how I'm feeling at the moment. I had a conversation with this girl last night, she really liked me - it was nice to have that feeling again - but I can't help but feel no one will ever compare to my ex? Why is that? When I was with her I always thought I could do better, at least I did until the last few months. Someone stop me obsessing!! Going to the gym after exam, to karate, then out to pub tonight - should take my mind of things.

Don't worry, your exam will be fine... good luck there someone said it so your fine! Look we all did that we thought we could get more elsewhere, but it like the old phrase you don't know what you've got until its gone... she will be thinking of you but don't depend on her! You have a nice girl talking to you at the moment think about that and focus on your exams

As for me I was getting the train to work this morning and my ex gets on the same train, she was way out of her normal route, she must have driven out of her way to get there then when she saw me (she didn't know I saw her) she went to the other end of the platform bizarre!

Good luck on the exams Wot, and don't worry about comparing, your still a freshly wounded person who, after the exam needs to relax and be among people and focus on building a social life that you enjoy, so you can learn to love yourself enough, to have fun with your freedom. See people for who they are, your ex, and others you encounter. Get away from comparisons, as that means your not focused on the people at hand, and may miss something you need to know.Take that next step, and look at what your doing to YOU.

Yeah to be honest, my ex and I broke up a week before finals...

Day 0 - day 7 after break up, my ex was a wreck. I was fine.

Day 8 - day 14 after break up, DURING my finals, I was a wreck. My ex was fine. Didn't sleep for roughly 3 days. Tossed my finals. However, I made it out alive.

So much better after exams though. MUCH less stress.

Okay, so its been 3 weeks since the last time I saw my ex and 2 weeks since I sent the last text saying its obvious she does not want us to get back together and that I'm moving on. Her reply was the 'I'm sorry... I'm not ready to get back together... '

I've not heard a word from her since. What keeps niggling away at me is the fact she said 'I love you, I'll always love you' and even said 'I love you more' the last time I saw her (the 3weeks ago) - Yep one to fk me right up. Now I've been reading this book - 'men are from mars, woman are from venus' and basically her actions all make perfect sense when put in that perspective - she feels resentment to me because I've basically not met her needs, put myself first and its built up over 3 yrs. There is a way through it I think it would help if she read the book. I was thinking of taking it around to her. Do not flame me, and if you have not read all my posts do not even respond to this with DUH NC... How many times. At the moment I'm trying to work out how much this will damage me if it doesn't have the desired response (which it probably it won't) - but I don't really care to be honest - I can't see how I can hurt any more/less by giving it to her.

I've been keeping very busy, gyming, meeting friends, going out - I still find myself getting v upset at times in the day. I'm also incredibly worried if I move to America if I am left with any WHAT IF's - WHAT IF I had given her the dam book, tried harder to get her to understand blah blah blah. What have I got to lose at the end of the day? Apart from my sanity true.. but some people say I've never had that.

Now I have another problem in that her mum promised to help with my research project - using her pupils (shes a teacher) and its too late for me to get anyone else. I need to see if she is still willing to do it, I'm sure she will its just a matter of asking. So I could go around there today and pretend I'm mainly there to see the mum (which actually is very important anyway) then give her the book as a side thought.

You could do that and whatever anyone says you probably will right. I know because no matter how many people told me not to contact my ex its pointless and so on I never listened. Take it from someone who is not involved in the situation and has a clear head. THIS WILL NOT DO ANY GOOD! It is your mind playing tricks on you, when enough time passes you start to think maybe she would have changed her mind, it can't hurt to do this and I won't feel any worse if I go c her bla bla bla but honestly I'm sure you have made so much progress in these 3 weeks do you really want to be back at square one again?Trust me the book will not change her mind, if a woman has made up her mind that she loves you and wants to be with you she would have contacted you by now I know because I have done stuff like this in the past,there would be no reason for you to even try and convince her! 3 weeks is a long time to be away from someone you're in love with which I'm sure you know.Sorry if I'm being harsh and I'm sure its not what you want to hear but you will feel better if you can just find a way to let it go and move on

Now I've been reading this book - 'men are from mars, woman are from venus' and basically her actions all make perfect sense when put in that perspective - she feels resentment to me because I've basically not met her needs, put myself first and its built up over 3 yrs.

I read this book and frankly I wouldn't agree with virtually anything the book says. The book basically tells you to be a wimp. I know plenty of women who married real a*holes and are still with them. Are they happy, who knows, but I also know total wimps who's wife's boss them around, are they happy, hell no.

It seems to me women want a strong man, whether they perceive it from the outside or the inside. And many time they marry these guys and guess what, they don't do a very good job picking with the divorce rate at about 60%.

You just haven't meet your fit, which is someone that you can be yourself around where she will accept your faults and appreciate your kindness.

I would use the mom for the project and ignore the ex. Tell her "look, your right we are not a good fit". I feel for you, I know how hard it is when your emotions are telling you one thing and your friends are telling you the opposite.

Remember, your friends don't have the blinders on and are there for you, listen to them.

So I could go around there today and pretend I'm mainly there to see the mum (which actually is very important anyway) then give her the book as a side thought.
Red Flag
When we hide our true motives behind legitimate reasons, we are practicing deceit.

Well guys! Your be happy to hear I resisted on going around to her house. This is very much due to you guys, my friends and family support lol - I'm really glad I did because I honestly thing if I had gone around I would be set back to day 1. So thanks for your help on that crisis!
I can see I will have bad and good days and no doubt this pattern will continue until I finally get stable. I have to say today felt quite good - I put on my new clouths (ones she didn't buy me), contact lenses, jazzed myself up a little and it felt good! Flirting with the girls at uni... great fun. I'm just starting to see that life will not end without my ex and even though I'l have bad days in the future I know it won't last.
However, I still have to see her mum at some point for help with my study - (its to late to get anyone else to help) - and I'm sure she will still help me. It just a matter of going to see her when my ex GF is not there which should not be a problem. Now the question is... do I completely not talk about my ex? In which case I'll look like was'nt bothered in the first place OR ask how my ex is? (what good is that going to do? She will either say yea she's ok/good - I think to myself oh she's doing fine without me; or she will say she's not happy at the moment in which case it might make me have another crisis.) Any suggestions?

Id keep clear of talking about your ex unless her mother mentions it... you won't achieve anything by asking how she is, you'll find very little out and have another crisis of sorts with all the confusion.

Go and do your work be as polite as possible.

As for you getting yourself out there good on you! I wished I felt like I was ready to do that but at the moment I know I'm not... just keep going as you are!

wot2do writes: "Now the question is ...do i completely not talk about my ex? In which case I'll look like was'nt bothered in the first place OR ask how my ex is?" Don't bring it up; she will be proud to see you are not in the swamp over her daughter, provided she knows the truth of things going on.

Update: So its been a month? Ish since I saw my ex girlfriend last. Well the mum phoned me back I missed the call but she left an answerphone message saying she would be happy to help me with the project. So I took around the stuff she needed to her house. My ex girlfriend was there and I said hello then continued to talk to the mum for 10mins or so about the project. After this me and my ex spoke for about an hour - talking about what we had been up to and stuff - I have to admit it was so good to see her and hear what she had been up - espeically her saying how miserable she had been and she hadn't been sleeping the past month because of thinking about us. Of cause, though once again she says the same old stuff - which hurt much less this time, and actually I don't feel cut up like I did last time just confused again lol.

She said she really does love me and its not an issue of that, she said she keeps looking at photos of us together all the time (wouldnt let me take them with me because she said she wanted to look at them still but would get them copied), she said she still slept in my old Pyjamas, and she missed me so much, that she is not interested in any other blokes whatsoever, BUT still is not ready to get back together. She said the time apart would do us good anyway. Now don't worry guys! I in no way am taking this as we are getting back together and I feel it has not set me back on my healing process. She came forward with this information mostly by herself.. with some gentle probing lol. Yes.. my hopes have increased a tiny amount but I've heard it all before several times and am now accustomed to it - I still have my plans to move to america in place, and before that intend on travelling the world on an adventure, I've taken up karate , salsa and started going to gym 3x a week. I've also met a few other woman and trying to get the confidence to get a few numbers/dates. So I've become very active.

Now I understand this is not protocol - it should be NC heal myself, screw her if she wants me she should beg me back right! But I fully intend on going back to NC now - although she said she would phone me and wants to come around to my house to get the 'men are from mars, woman from venus book' and that I thught it explained lots of stuff about us - she asked if she could borrow it and would come around to get it. This I thought odd because I live with my parents still (I know I'm 25.. but hey I'm still a student for another semester) - and she knows they will be akward around her now - so its quite a brave act IF she does come around. Which I would not be surprised if she doesn't - but I don't really mind! I have absolutely no expectations. Will I still feel like this in a day or 2? Who knows. I am just happy to see she is OK, not with any other blokes and as miserable as me ( I actually think I'm happier than her). Tell me what you think guys - have I been silly talking to her? Maybe maybe... I tell you one thing it didn't give me any closure which I was looking for... maybe I will never get it!

Just curious: did she offer to let you look through her cell phone contacts and messages?

You mean in relation to other blokes? - Nope that would be a little weird. Unless your saying I'l never know for sure if she's interested in another bloke unless I did that. True enough I don't know for sure - but she's never lied to me before and she's the most honest person I know in the world so I have to take her at face value. Also my friend works with her so he would find out eventually. I really want to stay away from thought patterns relating to possible other blokes as that would almost certainly reduce my healing. I must concentrate on me - at least that is the message I must keep telling myself lol.

I think I've been lying to myself- going around and seeing her completely did raise my hopes and now I feel so bad again.. (2 months after initial breakup). When I left her house she said she would call me to let me know about the project and that she would come around to pick up the stuff I needed to give her mum. Well instead I receive a very neutral text saying her mum has been given permission to help with my project and let her (my ex) know when she could come to my house and pick them up. I don't know why she wants to come to my house... but at first I thought this was a good thing - sort of on the road back to getting back together. But now I'm completely anxious that she's just going to come around n bang the final nail in the coffin -why am I still feeling like this? I can't seem to get it tru to myself its OVER! True it doesn't help her going... I love you, I miss you, I look at your photos blah blah.. but then I hear this is something all ex's normaly go tru after a long time together. I feel so crap and I'm unable to work again like I was when we first split up. I don't know what to do :(

I don't know what to do :(
Put your face closer to the screen, SLAP!! More later.

Hey wtd, I am in a very similar situation now, except for me its been only 4 days since the start of it. We are both 20, but we have been together for a little over 4 years. She broke up with me on the premise that we needed time apart to experience other things because we have only really been with each other. This was way out in left field for me and hit me like a ton of bricks because I thought everything was great. She said that I am her best friend and that she loves me but this has to happen. Her fear (or so she said) was that she would wake up one day when she's older and realize I am not the one. She explained how she felt through an email and since then I haven't communicated with her (she thought it would be best that we don't communicate for at least a week).

Since you were kind of in my shoes already what would you do different if you went back in time to the week it happened? Would you take her back now if given the chance? Would you take her back after knowing that she began seeing another man after the breakup? EVERYBODY says no contact whatsoever, but after searching this site for hours I did not cross one that the couples ended up back together. I can't imagine the thought of her being with anybody else and I have absolutely no desire to be with anybody but her. I hope for the best but fear for the worst, any incite you (or anybody else who cares to comment) could share on the situation would be much appreciated.

To be honest mate it doesn't make much difference what I or anybody else says because you want to be with her more than anything in the world and nothing people say will make a difference to what you will do - some people call it making mistakes like not doing NC - but I don't think it's a mistake personally otherwise you will just never know -you know the girl more than anyone (at least we thught we new them right.. werent expecting the break so we didn't know them as well as we thought lol) and you have to go through it yourself I think at least once in your life.

As for my experience: I am 100% whatever I would have done would have made no differnce to getting her back or not. Our (exs) I know it hurts saying that - have thought about this for one hell of a long time, in the back of there minds then all of a sudden they wake up and make it a reality. I really don't think you have any control over getting her back or not. I tried sending roses, taking her out to our favourite restaurant, giving her space, not giving her space, writing her love letters, I even tried consoling her saying.. it was all my fault you were right to have this break in the hope she would go 'aww how understanding maybe I made a mistake' but nope that just made me feel like crap for taking the blame.

So after I did the mushy stuff (over first 2 or 3 weeks) I tried NC - I did it to give her space and to be honest with myself I still am - but no matter it still helps me a little - and a little is all you can hope for. I think the longest I've gone without talking/txt/seeing her is about 3 weeks and that was tough. Its amazing how this girl and I'm sure you got this too - was going lets spend the rest of our lives together blah blah and then the next minute bang.

Now if I did it all again.. with the knowledge of trying what I did so far... I would have sent some flowers and letter saying how I felt, that I will not contact her, and she's is only to contact me if she changes her mind- but that I am going to move on - sticking to that will be HARD!! Because you will think it will slowly make her come back to you - it really won't! She has already made her decision and she took ages to make it - I can't stress that nothing you do will make a difference to her coming back to you - I really believe that - but it gets your feelings down - so that maybe like 3months+ it leaves the door open maybe? Who knows. I tell you this if she ever gets with another bloke I would never ever go back there becus then she is defintely not the person I thought she was.

My advice to you is what everyone else on this board will say - keep busy - it helps only in the fact that your mind is taking off her for at least a few periods. Of cause in the first 3 weeks absolutely nothing will take your mind off it - you just have to grit your teeth.
Lol I really don't think I'm being much help am I? I'm sorry I think your looking for a quick fix and my experience has told me there is none :(

Thank you for your advice wtd. I understand that there is no quick fix, I just want to do the best I can with the whole situation. I don't want to give up hope but I don't want to set myself up for disaster. I think I will try sending flowers to her in a week or so with a note and leave it at that. Life happens and I'm trying not to beat myself up over things I can not control. Reading these forums is really helping me out a lot. Im just disappointed that there are no success stories. I just hope there is not other guy in the equation (we go to separate schools not too far away) because then I could never take her back and will end up angry. Im going to take it easy, keep busy, and focus on myself for now. Thanks again.

Latest: So its been 3 weeks since I last saw my ex (again) 2.5 months total split time. She txtd me today saying her mum has done the questionairres for me (I needed them for my project) and how would I like to get them (no x, very plain msg). I replied I can pick them up or she can drop them off (she said she would drop them off 3 weeks ago). She texts back that's fine she can drop them off. Again very plain message no x... straight to the point. Why the holy crap did I say she could drop them off... someone hit me over the head with a hammer I keep making the same mistakes. Anyway she's coming around on Tuesday night which will b odd as she's not been at my home in 2.5 months + my mum really not to keen on her now after all the heartache. Anyway.. I have a potential job in the USA for up too 3 years starting in October and Im also planning a trip to Thailand/Austrailia for 2-3 months this summer. My counselor thinks I should ask my girlfriend how she feels about me going away.. I think this tues will be a good opportunity as its been eating me up. No good will come of it of cause, I'm not expecting her to say NOOOOOO Don't GOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! But I guess I just want to show her I am moving on... I don't need her in my life - I still want her in my life - but I don't NEED her in my life. I got a 1st in my module from last semester - the one I was working on right when she first said about splitting up with me - so this proves I don't need her. She always got top marks and I always looked up to her for getting such good marks and wanted to do the same.
Anyway... this Tuesday... im not lookingforward to it. It will probably set me back. Sucker u say? Yep... Oh one more thing... once again she didn't reply to the latest text I sent her. Basically when she said about would tues night be OK - I text back saying yes but can you come round early because I'm out later. Im not cancelling my night because that ***** wants to mess my head up again. So now ill have a messed up night but still going to Salsa... muhaha birng on the pain. I wander if I'm a masachist. Hmmz

Suck it up, and be nice about it. Its your actions that started the latest ball rolling, so cope with it be nice, brief, and remember to say thanks. If it's a big deal you made it one, so handle it. You've been doing great, and no reason to think it won't stay that way.

Well, the ex came around... and as I expected it was horrible... but at least I have some sort of closure now. Basically I told her I will be going travelling for 2 -3 months, then moving to america for up to 3 years... and told her I was having trouble deciding on this because I still don't know what's happening with us. She said she does not no what to say... she does not want to get back together and that is all she knows. I told her I have no more reason to contact her now.. since I have the information from her mother, and that it is highly unlikely I will see her for the foreseeable future. She still says she loves me/in love me, and the reason she does not want to try again is because she felt I did not care for her when we were together, and she would always put me first and I would not put her first and she thinks I will never change. I am a psychologist... people always change if they have the motivation... stupid woman <cough>. Anyway, In conclusion then, I have some answers to why the relationship went wrong, I have some closure in that she does not want to get back together, and I have something to look forward to in that I will be going travelling soon and moving away. Still, it hurts a hell of a lot and feels similar to when we first broke up yet... not that bad. I knew this moment would come and it has. I must look to the future, and the future does not include this woman. Coming to terms with this will take time, but I can see a light at the end of tunnel. On a lighter note.. so far I got 3 1sts back and 1 2.1 from my modules last term... which was right at the time when the ex split up with me.. im absolutely amazed but v happy about it.

Thanks for all the help and listening to me.

Wish you the best, and remember it gets better. Don't lose the site either.

I don't think she wants to hurt you but doesn't want to be a girlfriend anymore, a relationship never ends for only one reason whatever reason they gave is usually just a catalyst, and most girls get a little freaked out by the letters and phone calls and all that. I'm not saying no contact I'm saying put it on her terms, tell her to call you if she wants when she wants but otherwise give her space, if she decides she wants you cool, if not sorry, but woman don't like being put on the spot and if she wasn't sue she wanted to be with you before asking her is likely to annoy her and do you no good.

I was doing so dam good! Started flirting with girls again, feeling good about myself, I was getting interest from other girls. Then last night I drove past my ex's house - I have to because it's on the way back from karate and I think I saw her, I'm pretty sure she sees me and tries to hide her face. She was walking to meet some bloke. I can't shake the image of him being the reason we split up now... is she seeing this guy?. Was she lying about the reasons she said to split up and is this is the real reason? All these stupid questions. I don't understand why, I was feeling so good about things before. AHHHH! Som1 slap me.

It doesn't matter at the end of the day. For whatever reason she leaves you she left you. Yes the other guy factor is a blow to the ego, but I have learnt that most girls go off when something else comes along. At least the ones that don't want to be alone

But don't jump to anything whatever she does not its not your problem.
And things are never as they seem :)


Regards

Just thought I'd let you all know how I'm doing.

I'm doing absolutely fantastic! Work is going great, my life is great. I met this girl at the wknd who seems to b amazing - gorgeus, intelligent, same interests, is very very keen on me. Anyway we r going on a date nxt week/wknd so il let u know how it goes. I'm not expecting anything substantial to happen as in relationship wise but its just feels so good to be in this situation again! I've got my confidence back - I'm fine just talking to random girls again which took me friken ages to do properly again. Salsa is going good, gym is fun, karate is great - I'm defintely getting a lot more interest now from everyone.

Yes I still think about my ex sometimes every day but I feel like I am well and truly over the whole.. oh one day she will come back to me malochy. I do not need her - that's taken me a while to realise! I still miss her, especially her friendship - we were best mates for best part of 3.5yrs. But I am not wanting to be friends with her yet... maybe one day I'm not sure. I really don't know but I know I'm going to be absolutely fine and great and there is going to be more amazing girls out there to get to know :)

Happy me!

Im really glad to hear your doing well! :)

There is life after a brake up and it's a good one ;)


Keep the faith!

Regards

Wow, I just finished reading your post. I'm really glad that you got your confidence back and is having fun again!

I hope it's safe to say that the worst is over, and it will only get easier now.

You're only 25 the best is yet to come!

I went out for a date with that girl on Thursday - as she was txtin me quite a bit and seemed pretty keen! It was absolutely fantastic - we went out for a few drinks, ended up back at her place talking etc... till 6am. Then snuggled up in bed till 3pm the next day. Im going ice skating with her tonight.

As for the ex... actually when I was kissing this girl sometimes I was thinking this is different to my ex, I'm not sure if that is a sign I'm not ready for a relationship but it did confuse me. I really think this is just a matter of well, this is the first girl I've kissed whose not been my ex in 4 years! So of course I'm going to compare a little bit. Strangely I feel completely relaxed in person with this girl but really nervous when I call her.. I never used to get nervous talking to potentials... so I don't get it lol. I really like this girl and looking forward to seeing where this goes, although I'm fully aware of a girls potential 180degree change of feelings so I'm not trying to build my hopes up. I am just going to take things slowly and treat it a date at a time I think. But I feel as giddy as a little school girl :)

Hey wot2do it is good to hear from your doing well. You seem to be getting back on track so keep it up. Best of wishes with this new girl.

Hello everyone - I thought I would share how things are going in my life. Things are going amazingly with this new girl... we are now seeing each other, and we get on so well its great! She's knows I'm probably moving to USA in October and she's got no idea where she's going to live at the moment could be anywhere after June when she finishes uni so I'm trying not to get to attached! Also in the back of my mind is the fact this girl may change her mind about me to at one point... im determined not to make a girl my world again. But at the moment things really couldn't be better. I soon finish my course then I'm free to travel or whatever I want for the summer. I was totally determined to go travelling around Thailand before I met this girl... I'm worried I won't do that instead spending time with her, which will eventually be futile because obviously we can't last if I go to the USA... At least I don't think we can? That sadans me actually.

The main thing is I'm having fun and I'm very happy. I'm much more conscious about not forgetting about my friends and to carry on my routines e.g. gym, salsa, karate - which is a hell of a lot more difficult than I thought. I can't believe how much time I'm spending with this girl who I didn't even know a month ago.

As for the ex: well I have no idea what she is up to. I don't ask anymore. I think about her every couple of days, what she's up to, is she OK etc.. but its not in a longing for her way - really just curiosity, and perhaps a little saddness seeing how she was my best friend and I hate losing friends. I am very optimistic for the future!

NC does not always work!

Are you related to the guy that wrote this?? :cool:

Its amazing how low I was at that point. Defintely a life changing experience which I think many people have to go through in order to grow.

It does make me feel good, to be able to see others grow, and change.