Hi there,

I've been in a bit of a quandry about what to do with a new relationship I'm in and a sense that the girl is not as attracted to me as she was a few weeks back and thought maybe I'd look for some advice. Basically here is the background, I (I'm 26) met this girl (shes 30) about two months ago in a club. We went home together and had a great time. Normally that would for me be the end of the 'relationship' but we actually got on really well and had loads in common. She messaged me that evening and added me as a Facebook friend the next day, the following day she rang inviting me to a gig. At this stage I was finding this all a bit full on but I agreed to go with her... long story short we ended up spending a lot of time together over the next month, though I did tell her that we should keep things causal and maybe not spend so much time together.

Anyway about a month ago she went to america for two weeks. She emailled me practically everyday and was always really sweet, I had arranged to come stay with her when she got back so I went down to her place (she lives in another town about 2hrs from me) and we hung out for four days and then she came up to mine for three days. At the start of my visit she told me that she loved me and wanted something longer temr with me, I said that was cool as I have developed strong feelings for her too. However at the end she said she was feeling a bit clausphobic and I was getting a vibe off her that she wasn't as attracted to me as she had been over the past two months, was like my saying I wanted her too had turned her off me...

Right now she is in her home country (in scandinavia), and I'm in mine. She messaged me the day after she got back to say she missed sleeping next to me, I didn't respond for three days as I felt a bit of distance/unavailability would be good. I was chatting with her on skype today but then I made a pretty bad joke and she just said she had to go really quickly and was gone... I'm concerned that I seem to be scaring her away, she expressed really strong feelings of attraction for me over the past two months but now I'm a bit anxious that they are going.

In a nutshell I won't be seeing her for the next two weeks and I want to figure out how best to rebuild and maintain the attraction she has had me... any suggestions?

Sounds like both of you are claustrophobic to some extent, but you like each other. Give time and circumstances an opportunity to work for you; don't over persue; and if you are confused or have that sick feeling in your stomach, then back off.

Being a happy well balanced person who is strong and confident, is what attracts them, now keeping is a different story especially if you are moving to fast, and burn the relationship out. Don't call her begging for attention and asking questions, go on with your life. Obviously she has a life, she shares when she can, basically you have to do the same. One bad joke will hardly change her feelings, unless it was really that bad. Could she be doing what you ask, keeping it casual?

I'm definitley backing off but not sure if I'm concerned for no good reason. She's coming over to my country for a few days in two weeks time and we were chatting about that today and she seemed really excited about it... maybe its more in more head than in reality...

Cheers talinman, no the joke really wasn't that bad... I've not been calling at all (or being overly inquestive), its more that because we live apart when we see each other its quite intense and for prolonged periods... and yes she probably is doing what I asked her and keeping it causal... we are probably both a bit concerned that its moving too fast but I guess I want to figure out how to keep it on a decent equilbruim that allows the possibility that there might be a future but doesn't push it either