I know this isn't the proper way to start an introduction of sorts, but I REALLY need some help. If I don't I think I'm going to go nuts! I'm 30 years old - mom of 4 and I would say a reasonably intelligent person. I work my but off for my family - usually between 40 - 50 hours a week at the office. I'm a general manager - just letting you know - that really doesn't play a role in why I'm posting today. Over the past 3 years or so I've been struggling with an issue that has been haunting me for the past 13 years! The fact that I still love my high school sweet heart. He's given me no reason to. Actually he's given me every reason to hate him. So, I just don't understand why I can't get him out of my head! I'll try to keep the "this is what happened" scenerio brief, but it really is a LONG story.

Here goes...

We dated in high school. We were the best of friends... and when I say that I mean it. We did everything together! He was a foster child, so my mother would buy him clothes pick him up buy him things in general - just do whatever for him. We were together most of the time and did everything together. Heck - we even worked together! We were dating for 2 years and he asked me to marry him. We were engaged for about 2 years before I became pregnant with my now 13 year old. Mean while - my mother became ill - she went into a coma and came out bed ridden and brain damaged. During that time, Jimmy cheated on me - I forgave him - we got married... he cheated again - claimed my son was not his and left me high and dry. While he was pulling this crap our friend Brian really stepped up to the plate was there for me while my mom was in the hospital and Jimmy was out messing around and helped me through the tough patches of trying to figure out why the love of my life left me and our son! Long story short - we divorced and he's never met our son. He's denied that Tim was even his child until about a year ago. Now in the midst of this he married that girl he was cheating on me with and had a son - who is exactly almost to the day 9 months younger than my son. He's never denied that Nathan was his... and I just don't understand why he's denied Tim. Anyway - neither her nor there. At the time I thought it was best that I just severe ties with him. I never filed for child support and I tried to stay as far away from him as possible. I never stopped thinking about him though, but I was just too angry to forgive him. Not to mention that every time I TRIED to find him his mother, father who ever made an excuse for him and said he wanted nothing to do with me or our son. Well about 1 1/2 years ago I filed for child support and low and behold won my claim. It's been a long road and he's actually acknowledging our son and paying his child support, which is far more than I ever thought he would do. But that's not my issue... actually what's even more bothering to me is that I just can't stop thinking about him and I've come to the realization that I've just never gotten over him. Worst yet - I STILL LOVE HIM! I just don't understand after all that's happened how this can be possible. Here its almost 14 years later - I'm married for 4 children and I'm still in love with my high school sweet heart that totally screwed me over. The thing is I've never really ever stopped thinking about him. Little things will happen that remind me of him - a movie a song a smell - you name it. My husband and I moved to another state and things seemed a little better - I still thought about him just not as much THEN we moved back home and all of a sudden 3 years ago I find myself in the grocery store parking lot sobbing my eyes out because I'm missing him and still love him. This pains me so - I love my husband and my children - I could never share this information with them. Even worse - this rainy dark night that I sit sobbing in my car was wayyy before I talked or even saw him again. Then I think I made the worse mistake ever - I actually talked to him! He told me how he regrets things - I was his best friend... he made mistakes blah blah blah. My common sense side tells me - are you kidding - he's a womanizing who is just saying what he wants you to hear, but then there's the side of me that wants to believe it and run back to him. What do I do - I just want to move forward and forget about him... but no one will let me forget. When my husband and I fight he throws my marriage to him in my face. Then I see our son who is the spitting image of him... then I have all those fond memories. I still love him, but I know he's no good for me. Besides that fact I know it would never work - heck look what he did the first time around. He's divorced from his second wife - several of his ex-girlfriends have emailed me saying how he compares them to me. Which doesn't help matters. Please someone help - how do I get this out of my system and move on with my life!!

Your distress is understandable, but I think your being to hard on yourself. Believe it or not, we all get haunted by the ghost of the high school sweetheart, or that ex that got away, or the father of your first born (or mother). Some of us cope some cry. Either way its human to remember. What bothers me more is your ex throwinig it in your face during emotional times. That's not fair at all. I know you love him, but I can't help feel he or his behaviour may be at the bottom of all this. Am I close??

I'm not sure that it's my ex's behavior that's making me feel this way as much as it's my husbands behavior. What I failed to mention earlier is that the friend who helped me through the rough patch is now my husband. I think the biggest mistake I made was getting into a relationship so soon after our split up. I never gave myself time to get over the hurt. I just put a bandaid on it and unfortuneatly that bandaid has gotten wet and is now coming unglued. I love my husband - I've over looked a lot of his short comings because he was there for me when I needed him and because he's helped raise a child who is not his, but I'm finding that I'm with him for all the wrong reasons. Honestly, I think that's why I can't get Jimmy (my ex-husband) out of my head. I'm remembering happier days and honestly I just want to be happy again. I don't think I will be as long as I'm with my current husband. There's little things he does that hurt and it seems like he's always trying to put a dig into me in one way or another - it just so happens that my ex-husband is that BIG dig that he knows will always get to me. This just isn't a healthy relationship and I don't know if we can ever move past it.

Returning to the past is never going to cure what ails you now, and I think you should focus on the now. The gratitude has worn off, but he does need to be checked with his behaviour (husband) as bringing all that past stuff up is not fair. Counseling can help you both, but if he won't go, then let it help you.

I'm starting to think that eventually, everyone goes back to their first love.

im starting to think that eventually, everyone goes back to their first love.
Only those who haven't moved on to better things, or are having problems and remember better times.

Returning to the past is never going to cure what ails you now, and I think you should focus on the now. The gratitude has worn off, but he does need to be checked with his behaviour (husband) as bringing all that past stuff up is not fair. Counseling can help you both, but if he won't go, then let it help you.

You've hit the nail on the head! Too much has happened between my husband and myself that I just want to move on! Thank you for suggesting counceling - actually a few months ago I took the initiative to go to counceling. It started to be for the two of us, but he refused to go. So, I've been going alone. His response to this is "oh you're going to se a quack!" I don't know if this is the right answer for what's going on in my life right now, but divorce is sounding like a viable option. It's a hard decision, but as I mentioned before - I just want to be happy. I don't think that's too much to ask.

As far as my ex-husband is concerned, I'll be honest yes my feelings for him do play a role in my decision. However, I know deep down I'll never go back to him. Too much has happened that just tells me he's not a good match for me. For my own well-being as well as my children's, I REALLY think I need a breather. I need to take time to figure out who I am and where I'm going in life before I commit to anyone... and that could mean to my current husband OR my ex-husband. So, I guess (as I'm typing this and thinking my way through my response) what I'm saying is maybe not divorce, but maybe divorce MOST definitely a separation is in order for my current marriage. You are so right, his (my husband) behavior and constantly bringing up the past just isn't fair. I'll never be able to fully heal from anything until I remove myself from this situation.

Thank you for your thoughtful responses. I hope you have a great New Year!

im starting to think that eventually, everyone goes back to their first love.

Enjay - why do you say that?

A separation is a good move, just to remove yourself from the stress. Sorry he would rather BS instead of talk, he could use some counseling for his insecurity, for sure. Glad your making a point to work on you. That's healthy. I hope you find happiness and peace in the New Year.

Thank you very much! Now a new journey begins - trying to find a way to break the news to my husband and figure out all the lagistics. It's pretty bad when on Christmas day after a brief spat that's all I could think about! "I have to find a divorce attorney". Thank you for your kind words!

Best wishes.