I'm a male, sophomore in college. I'm actively dating right now but I run into a similar problem with most every girl I date. Every time I start spending more and more time with a girl and it almost develops into something serious, my feelings seem to "disappear" or I somehow become convinced that this girl just isn't for me. I can't decide on whether it's the truth that I just don't click with these women or if I'm putting up some sort of wall that prevents me from getting any closer. I haven't had a lot of experience with serious relationships in the past, so some of my friends feel that it's my fear of something I don't know much about that's preventing me from going any further. Other friends say that I don't know what I want. My reasoning back to them is if the girl I was dating and I really had some sort of chemistry together, wouldn't I know it or feel it and want to pursue something more with her? Either way, I want to know whether it seems as if these are "walls" that I have protecting myself that I need to tear down or if this is just the name of the game when it comes to dating. Let me know your thoughts please.

"...wouldn't I know it or feel it and want to pursue something more with her? Either way, I want to know whether it seems as if these are "walls" that I have protecting myself that I need to tear down or if this is just the name of the game when it comes to dating."

If there was chemistry, yes you would. Congratulations on facing "your walls"; I love your question and the fact that you are facing it headon. So how old are you? Do you have a vocational ambition? Are you ready for a baby? Do you want a girl calling you every hour wanting to know where you are and what you are doing? What do you think about contracting AIDS or STD's?

At the end of the day, I will bet you will discover that your head is screwed on exactly right. I just don't know who you need to thank for doing such a good job; do you?

I'm 20 and in my second year of my chemical engineering program. Rough stuff but I know it'll be worth it when I have my degree. Seeing as most of the girls I would or have dated are in college, I don't think anything is quite as serious as wanting a baby just yet. As far as the calling every hour, I guess it was in my wildest dreams that I would maybe find a girl that didn't need to know what I was doing every second of every day... but my friends have laughed at me for that ambition. This is where I start to question whether I even want a full blown relationship. Still not sure though...

Well, they aren't women yet; they are just big girls, some with raging hormones, and pretty, too. Surely, you have seen your male friends constantly on the phone with their girlfriends wanting to know every detail of his day. I even hear of guys and girls going to sleep at night with their phones on. Maintaining a healthy social life is a worthy goal, so do whatever you need to do to have that, whether, in your mind, it is one date a week or one date per month. Meet as many of these eligible angels as you can, and keep your hands off them as long as you can. And when the day comes that you just have to touch, be careful and be safe. When you find the right one, or she finds you, there won't be any questions, believe me.

(sigh) I figured waiting it out would be the correct answer. I suppose if I'm afraid of "walls" I might have, the more I date casually the more those walls will erode with time and the more I'll learn about what I look for in a girl/soon to be woman.

I think some people are incredibly simple; and others are very complex. If you have time, you should read some of the posts on this site about guys getting dumped and going through hell in the process. Now, I am talking about the pain of rejection, which looks antiseptically harmless when you read about it. Rejection feels like devastating, unending loneliness, and may take 6 to 12 months to recover from. Are you wanting that, right now?

Rejection feels like devastating, unending loneliness, and may take 6 to 12 months to recover from. Are you wanting that, right now?


Although I wholeheartedly agree with that, I don't think that people go into relationships for the "unending loneliness" that can result. I certainly am not dating for that possibility. I am trying to date for the emotional high that can result from finding someone that you click with. I realize (although not totally from experience which puts me at a disadvantage) that this rejection could result from dating someone, but that is a risk we must take if we are to find we are looking for. I think that is the reason I had these "walls" in the first place. I'm trying to overcome that fear of rejection. If that means experiencing the bad that comes with the good, I suppose I have no choice right? It's the hardships that we experience today that make us the people we are tomorrow. It would be unrealistic to think that I can try and date without feeling some sort of rejection right?

"unending loneliness" is not literal, of course; it describes a feeling.

"It would be unrealistic to think that I can try and date without feeling some sort of rejection right?" This is exactly correct. Kind of like playing poker or investing in the stock market.

What you may need is "heart insurance". But don't take your eye off the ball, as to why you are in college in the first place. You sound like a level-headed fellow to me.

Heart insurance huh? Maybe something geico or state farm carries ;) Yeah, that's one thing that complicates all of this greatly. Chemical engineering is a very work intensive major that takes up a lot of time. I have to laugh at myself when I say that though because how could I expect to balance a relationship and college. Relationships are, from what I know and hear, one of the most time consuming things out there. I'd be lucky to find time to breathe if I were involved in both. Perhaps I shouldn't look for a serious relationship right now? Maybe continue with casual dating and maybe if I find a girl that I click with... and is patient enough to deal with my schooling... then pursue something more? Who knows. It's very possible I'm giving this all much more thought than it deserves?