Greetings:
I have only posted one other question in this forum, completely unrelated to this subject, but I have read a lot of helpful advice and thought I would ask on this topic. I must give a little background so please bear with me.

I will preface this question with the statement that my wife and I are recovering alcoholics with 5 years of sobriety each. I do understand alcoholic addiction and what can and cannot be done for an alcoholic. The subject of this question is my wife's nephew. His problem appears to not be alcohol, but drugs. My experience with pharmacuticals is limited to experimenting in school, oh so many years ago, so I will not say that he is an addict, although he exhibts many of the signs of addiction. My question actually does not concern his possible addiction directly, only he can help himself if he has a problem, but rather how his condition affects his family. He is 22 years old, lives with his mother and grandmother and uses everyone around him for his substinance. He has no job, will not look for one, convinces his grandfather to pay for college then does not attend, tears up most anything he borrows of anyone else (cars, tools, etc.) and does not help around the house. He has been arrested a couple of times for possession that we know of, but his last brush with the law involved discharging a weapon into an unoccupied vehicle. This one is still working its way through the courts, and we have a difficult time getting the truth out of him. His grandfather has so far paid for his fines and legal expenses, but is not a wealthy person. His mother is currently in rehab for the third or fourth time, and while we all hope for the best in her recovery, her return to this volitile situation could be disastrous. Besides my wife and me, no one in the family has any understanding of addiction and the concept of enabling. None of this would have any physical effect on my wife and me (we live 2 hours away), except right before Thanksgiving, my wife received a phone call from the sheriff's department, saying the nephew and some friends had been seen and detained at a house we are remodeling on the weekends near his house. They had not actually done anything yet, but a neighbor had seen them pull their car around behind the house, and we have a significant amount of tools and equipment in the house. This was the final straw for my wife, and she let the other family members know in no uncertain terms that she was through with him. As expected, this has created enormous friction in the family with most members of the extended family not wanting to be around the nephew, and subsequently the grandmother. The grandmother is just naïve enough to believe the nephew did nothing wrong as he is very intelligent and can spin a good story. My wife and I, however, are alcoholics and know the tricks and the BS when we hear it.

My question, after that long-winded story, is how can we interact with the grandmother, and the mother when she is released from rehab? I have asked my fellow alcoholics at meetings, and while they are trying to be helpful, the general answer is "I am an alcoholic, I cannot help with a drug addiction." Personally, I would like to slap him upside the head with a dose of reality, but his possible problem can only be helped by him. I am truly concerned about my mother-in-law, and my father-in-law being bled financially dry. I am very fond of my in-laws, but at what point does my concern become medling? Christmas is coming up, and dinner is supposed to be at the grandmother's house. Most of the extended family is hesitant to come, because of the nephew's activities.

My other concern is with the legal aspects of the nephew's behavior. My wife and I are suspicious that he is selling out of the house (strange packages arriving at the house from internet pharmacies). If he is busted, how will this affect the grandmother legally? The house is owned by the grandfather. They are not married anymore, but maintain a close relationship. Also, the mother will be on probation for five years when she gets out, how will the nephew's activities affect her legally? We all live in Alabama.

I realize this is an extremely long post, but thank you for reading through it. Any advice you can give would be greatly appreciated.

That nephew needs some tough love. You are certainly right about the enablers. I wish it were possible to get your inlaws to understand how that enabling behavior is contributing to the problem as it may have also done with your wife and sister-in-law. I know the temptation to throw up your hands with a family member like that, especially when there doesn't seem to be anything being done to help him.

If you can work with the grandparents to try to help them understand that if the daughter comes back, and he is still getting into that trouble, then the mother has a good chance to fall right back into trouble again and be in jail again.

Unfortuneately, this sounds like a very deeply ingrained problem in the family, and it may not be one that you can do much about if the other older members choose to ignore you. Short of trying to convince your grandfather to do something with the house to protect it financially... or as an asset, so it won't get lost on legal issues such as drug charges or some other way to support the habits of those he is enabling, there may not be much talking of any sense into those people. You can't force them to accept your advice.

Thank you oneguy, appreciate the response. I believe one thing that could have helped him is if he had a positive father-figure in his life, but I believe his father was long gone right after his birth. I have attempted to be a role model as I am about the right age, but he tends to burn those around him. I have no children of my own, so my only experience in parenting is how I was raised. My parents had no addiction problems, and my own did not surface until I was in college, so the addiction aspect of my parenting skills is severely limited. I am also a firm believer in tough love, as nothing worked for me until I quit whining and put on my big-boy pants, but outside of my wife, no one in the family wants to draw the line and think my attitude is just being mean. I hear too often "he grew up with out a father," and "his mother couldn't provide him with anything." This may be referring to the fact that my parents did fairly well financially, and he is just a victim. My pointing out that I did have a nice childhood and still ended up an alcoholic just kind of went over their heads.

My grand-sponsor talks about why she went to counselling. "It's for those fourth-step issues that weren't relieved by 9th step amends." One thing I learned through counselling is that you can change the behavior of others; change yourself, and they must change too, to keep their balance.

Addiction is addiction. Alcohol or drugs, it matters not. This situation is disrupting the serenity of your own household. You can intervene, or change your own behavior. The sad thing is that the grandparents don't realize that they are part of the problem, as enablers. Pray your butts off!

Invite everyone but the nephew to your house for Christmas. Explain to the grandparents why you are doing this, with simple straight-up facts. Make up your mind. Talk to your wife about what you will and will not do or put up with. Kindly explain to the nephew that you do not like the way he is behaving towards the rest of the family. The situation will play itself out, hopefully with a happy ending.

Remember, you cannot give away what you haven't got. Take care of you first! Your closeness to your higher power will keep you strong and sane.

What a situation, but you have options, as there are many in NA who may talk on your behalf to the grandparents. Another option is a member of the police, talking to the grandparents. They are in danger of losing their home if he is arrested selling drugs from there, and it is a helluva process to overturn that action. Unfortunately the nephew won't get help, or change until he hits rock bottom, and I encourage you to keep an eye on him, and protect yourself through tough love. Has anyone searched his room? While he is away, do so. Its so hard to protect the grandparents at this time, but a visit from NA, and AL-Anon, is worth trying. Good Luck to you.

Thank you everyone for your responses. The approach my wife and I are going to try is to help his mother (my wife's sister) any way we can to maintain her sobriety. If she continues her success, maybe he will see what his future could be without drugs. I know we can't make her stay sober, but we will be there for her anyway we can. I have found out he often looks at the life my wife and I have with extreme envy. He sees the cars we drive, the house we are remodeling and the hobbies we have, and wishes the same for himself. Like most alcoholics and addicts I have met, he wants the "instant gratification", and does not understand how hard we worked at staying sober to achieve those goals. He wants the paycheck, but not the work.

As far as the grandfather is concerned, and with protecting the house legally, that may solve itself. The nephew owns a pitbull, and while I have nothing against the breed, this one has already bitten someone severely. The grandfather has been made aware that his homeowner's insurance will not cover a vicious dog, so the nephew may have to move out.
He will not give up his dog.

Christmas actually went well, all things considered. We gave the nephew a couple of gifts, not because of him, but because of what the Season means. He remarked to someone else that he was surprised we even showed up, much less gave him a gift. I actually saw embarrassment in his eyes. Maybe shame will work where other ideas failed, but I'm not holding my breath.

I'm surprised that the dog was not put down for the biting incident, but I guess laws are different from one place to another... Sounds like you are doing the best you can, and with the best of intentions... I want to wish you continued successes!

You are correct about the dog, he SHOULD have been put down, at the least, county and city law (and maybe state) require 10 day quarintine. The problem is that it was a family member, and the person lied to the doctor about how she was injured. I would have thought the doctor would have known it was a dog bite, and no one but me wanted to report the truth. If that dog ends up disfiguring or killing someone, my decision to go along with everyone else will haunt me.

Thank you very much for your encouragement. I will report back as things progress.