Let me tell you the story... I met a girl through a friend of mine around August. She's 17 and I'm 18. We started talking and became friends and grew very close. She always told me how I was so handsome and how she missed me when she was gone, and whatnot. We started dating in December of 2006. I asked her out and she accepted. We grew close and she eventually told me about her past. She was raped and because of this had HPV. She had also done drugs, alcohol, and smoked extensively as a young kid. But when she told me, I had no clue. She was a completely changed person. Of course I accepted it because I was falling for her, and she told me I was the best guy in the world. She was everything I could ask for in a girl... pretty, smart, outgoing, quirky... just the most unique person I'd ever met.

Anyway... Things progressed on and I met her parents and extended family in the upcoming months. They all seemed to like me and my girlfriend seemed to really like introducing me to her family. Unfortunately, her family had its problems. Her parents were divorced and her mother abused drugs and alcohol. Sometimes she'd come home and trash the house and even beat my ex girlfriend up. This was disturbing to me, but luckily she moved in permanently with her dad.

Around the end of February she started seeming a little distant with me. I really didn't think much of it because her school work was getting extensive and she had a lot on her plate at the time. We spoke on the phone every night but I didn't see her that much during our last week together. Eventually, one day she called up and gave me the "It's not you, it's me" speech and said she needed to figure some stuff out right now as a single girl. Apparently there was some problems within her family (sister went to jail, mom was threatening her dad, etc.), college applications were flying everywhere, she had the ACT and SAT to prepare for, AP tests, etc. I told her that I understood and that was it. I immediately went to NC. I haven't talked to her since. I believe it happened on February 25.

I took it really tough the first week. I cried a lot and questioned what happened. If it was something I did, and if her reasons were just BS or not. Eventually I started getting over her but not completely. I still have thoughts of her a lot but not as much as I did.

This past week she was talking to my friend (who initially set us up) and she was asking about me. She asked if I had a new girlfriend, how I was doing, and to tell me she said hi and that she still wants to be friends with me. She also said she felt terrible for breaking up but she had to do it at the time.

I find myself in a dilemma again. I was recovering, but now her questioning about me is giving me hope again (I know I shouldn't build myself up with false hope, but I can't help it). It shows she's thinking about me and probably misses me, which is great. But then again she could just be being nice, but why would she care if I have a new girlfriend or not? Does she want me to give her a buzz to catch up and see what's going on? We didn't end it on bad terms at all.

I need some help from the experts here!

Sounds like she has some issues of her own that she needs to work out. And, she may need to do this on her own without the work of having to maintain the kind of relationship with you that you would like.

The fact that she said, "It's not you, it's me" seems like she is being honest with you.

Relationships take time, work and maintenance. It can put a lot of pressure on a person. She may just need some space right now to figure out her own set of problems.

At least she asked about you. "She asked if I had a new girlfriend, how I was doing, and to tell me she said hi and that she still wants to be friends with me. She also said she felt terrible for breaking up but she had to do it at the time."

Your hope is not false and it doesn't sound like you should give up on her. Obviously she is not giving up on you. She needs time, has a family and herself to think about also.

Please just give her some time and space. Write her a letter. Send a nice card of understanding her situation. Keep in touch that way. It would show your sincerity and integrity and also the fact that you care about her. Don't be in a rush. The world will not end because of one month without seeing someone. Also, "there are lots of fish in the sea." Keep your options open. You are too young to be closing them on a relationship right now.

I know what it's like to have that feeling in your gut when you really care about someone and want to be with them, and can't. It really hurts! Again, please leave your options open and, for right now, concentrate on the things you need to do to keep YOU going as far as school and learning things and job possibilities in the future. Start to see some other girls. It's okay. Be social and don't get into a rut about this one or any other girl, for that matter, right now. Maybe things will work out and you will get together with her again. Stay in touch with her in the ways that I mentioned above without putting pressure on her.

Thank you for sharing.

Its natural to miss something when that familiar intimacy you had is no longer there. Not everyone likes change even if it's a result of their own doing. You have to let go and move on with your own life.

Do not go near the grape vine and do not ask from it or pass on information to it as it will put u in a place you don't want to go. Remember curiosity killed the cat and ignorance is bliss.

Treat this as a life experience and remember those happy memories but learn from them. Do not regret - learn or you come away with nothing. Concentrate on you and your life, your friends, your family, your work, your ambitions, your hobbies, YOU! Ever wanted to really do something but never got around to it? Nows the time to do it. Feel your fear and do it anyway.

After a few months of no contact your head will clear and you will be able to think rationally about your past, present and future. Maybe then you will be able to be friends but don't forget you may be setting yourself up for hurt. I know for allot if not most an ex will allays hold a special place in your 'heart'.

If she was that interested she would contact you. Have you noticed that you were getting on better until this last tidbit brought those old feelings back? I'm sure she misses you, but isn't ready for a relationship. I don't think your ready for a friendship with her now either, so keep on with your life for now. Consider this also, you did move pretty fast in 3 months of dating and she was probably was overwhelmed, especially as this was during a heavy holiday time. Give yourself more time to get over her and rethink what happened, and your true feelings.

Thanks for the responses. I agree that at the time being it is best to move on and live my life. That's what I've been doing for the past month or so. It's just tough at times because I can't help thinking about the good times we had together.

I think in time I will be able to be a friend, because we were friends longer than the time we were in a relationship. I always had fun with her no matter what. Maybe that's why I miss her so much. She actually doesn't have many friends herself (they moved up here in August), so I could understand why she'd tried and reach out to me and bring our friendship back.

I could understand why she'd feel overwhelmed as well. I look back now and I did call her an awful lot. When she needed to get stuff done I backed off, but not completely, and she had a lot on her plate. A serious relationship just wasn't a priority because of school. Her telling me that she was raped and had HPV took a lot of courage, and she told me I was only the third person who she told (outside of her parents). She obviously trusted me and liked me enough if she told me that. In fact, she was the one that initially wanted to start a relationship.

I do hope in time that I will heal enough for a friendship though. Our families have grown close in that time and I know I will bump into her eventually. We go to the same church and our sisters both play on the same baseball team. She's also going to attend the same college as me in the fall (I'll be a sophomore, she'll be a freshman). So, it's inevitable that I'll see her.

I have a new dilemma!

My sister and her sister (they play on the same team) have their first baseball game this Sunday. I'm going to go because I never miss a game, and my ex will be there too. I haven't said a word or seen her since the break up. How do I react if she wants to talk to me? I've just got an odd feeling she will try and hug me too, because she's just a friendly person like that. It'll just be awkward.

I'll probably see her at church on Sunday too. Oh boy this is going to be interesting.

Support your sister and be a polite friendly guy who has time to speak, but to busy for a conversation. Same at church.

My ex of about a month was the one who broke up with me. Lately she's been asking about me through "messengers", telling them that she still wants to be friends with me, etc... and I have a thread on this already.

I think the problem I have is fully letting go of her because I feel that she is being stubborn and has too much pride or maybe even guilt to make any real contact with me. I know her to be this way, she's always been the type to not chase anyone or admit she did anything wrong. I'm just afraid of completely letting go when maybe she wants to contact me but is to stubborn and full of pride to do it. I have many thoughts of reaching out to her one last time but I always stop myself. There have been dozens of times that I've typed text messages, emails and dialed her number and never had the courage or strength to press the "send" button. I know I have to keep moving and I read on here that the dumper must initiate contact because they are the one that left and we're only respecting their wishes. My fear again is that she has anger and resentment but still loves me and we are both playing this standoff game with each other.

I would hate for me to be here and her to be there, both looking at our phones, checking to see if either of us has broken down to make contact. If it's a game that we're playing how do we know? How do I know if she still cares and loves me? I know you'll say, "If she cares and loves you she'll contact you" well, I care and I love her and here I am doing NC and not contacting her. What do I do? How do I know?

VADawg,
I understand how hard this is for you. But, she was not too proud, stubborn, or had any misgivings about dumping you, right? Don't get caught up in the "what if" mentality where you spend your energy pointlessly wondering and guessing and assuming. You deserve someone who loves you more than their own pride. If this is a game, it is a cruel one she is playing: dumping you and then waiting you to break down and go begging back to her. Don't do it!

It is hard to feel like you are standing by doing nothing when you love someone but right now it is not up to you any more. She has made a decision and you must respect it. Be strong.

VADawg,
I understand how hard this is for you. But, she was not too proud, stubborn, or had any misgivings about dumping you, right? Don't get caught up in the "what if" mentality where you spend your energy pointlessly wondering and guessing and assuming. You deserve someone who loves you more than their own pride. If this is a game, it is a cruel one she is playing: dumping you and then waiting you to break down and go begging back to her. Don't do it!

It is hard to feel like you are standing by doing nothing when you love someone but right now it is not up to you any more. She has made a decision and you must respect it. Be strong.

I'm definitely trying. It's kind of hard though when I ask my family what they think, and they say that I should call her. Hah. My ex actually did talk to my parents (other thread) and she thought I hated her because I haven't called. This is the reason why I think she isn't calling, because she's afraid I'm really angry with her. But I don't know.

I don't really have the boyfriend/girlfriend feelings for her anymore. I would like to be a friend to her because I know that's what she really wants right now. I honestly wouldn't mind.

I guess I just feel like not calling her will ruin any chance at a friendship. Am I wrong for thinking this?

Her off. Don't ever speak to her again and love yourself and be strong for doing it.

I don't really have the boyfriend/girlfriend feelings for her anymore. I would like to be a friend to her because I know that's what she really wants right now. I honestly wouldn't mind.

I guess I just feel like not calling her will ruin any chance at a friendship. Am I wrong for thinking this?

VADawg, I just read your post four days ago and you didn't sound like you were over her. Are you sure about what you are saying now?

Whether she loves you or needs you, she is not contacting you for a reason. It sounds like she has way too much going on in her life to be your girlfriend as well. It may be possible that she doesn't want you to be involved in the mess in her life, as well. There is so much going on that is beyond you and her but my advice to you is that you need time.

She may be worried that you are angry with her and you said that you did take it very hard. But, if she wants a friend in you, she will contact you. Right now, you need to heal. Then you can worry about her and being her friend. But, in my humble opinion, you are not ready to be her friend yet.

Hope you find the strength you need to heal.

her off. Dont ever speak to her again and love yourself and be strong for doing it.

If only it were that easy.


VADawg, I just read your post four days ago and you didn't sound like you were over her. Are you sure about what you are saying now?

Whether she loves you or needs you, she is not contacting you for a reason. It sounds like she has way too much going on in her life to be your girlfriend as well. It may be possible that she doesn't want you to be involved in the mess in her life, as well. There is so much going on that is beyond you and her but my advice to you is that you need time.

She may be worried that you are angry with her and you said that you did take it very hard. But, if she wants a friend in you, she will contact you. Right now, you need to heal. Then you can worry about her and being her friend. But, in my humble opinion, you are not ready to be her friend yet.

Hope you find the strength you need to heal.

You're probably right. I just keep getting conflicting opinions from everyone I know. Some tell me to call her, and some not. I mean, she is asking about me so that tells me she at least cares.

Some days I feel like I'm completely over her, then other days I fall back into a rut and think about her all day. If she were to ask for me back now I wouldn't accept it. I need someone there for me 100% and not 50%, and I'd make that clear to her. That doesn't mean I don't want to have anything to do with her though.

If only it were that easy.

I need someone there for me 100% and not 50%, and I'd make that clear to her. That doesn't mean I don't want to have anything to do with her though.

No one suggested it will be easy. I commend you for seeking advice and caring enough to want to do the right thing.

You have every right to want to have someone who can be there for you. I can hear, from what you're saying, that you really want to be friends with her. That is OK as well but only after you take time to make sure that you are OK. Right now you are confused and hurt. So, take some time to clear your head and get back on track with yourself before you start contacting her to show your friendship.

Just call her if that's what you want, (I think it is) what do you have to lose.

How long did you all go out?

Just call her and tell her what's going on get some balls if she doesn't want anything then youo will know and you can move on and stop assuming...
Easier to move on if you know give it a go...

Matt and mckenzie,
I have to disagree with you guys. She has already told him what she wanted. She broke up with him. It is only wise for him to respect that. After being dumped, it is normal to be confused and wondering about the past and the "what if's". But it is a mistake to go calling the person who has made a decision to break up with you. You will only be setting yourself up for more hurt.

He must work through the hurt and hard time to heal himself right now so he can move on. What she is doing behind his back should not be his concern right now. (I actually think she may still care about him but broke up with him because of the mess she is going through.. read his other post. But, this still does not change her decision.)

VADawg, do a search on the "No Contact" rule. Its use and effects are extensively discussed on this site and you might find it helpful.

Yeah I checked you are probably right, I didn't realize that they are so young. It sound like she has got allot to deal with.

Just remember there are allot of fish in the sea, sometimes you just have to try different bait

My ex broke up with me around the end of February (you can find my multiple threads on this in my history). Since then, I've done the no contact and I believe I healed considerably since then. She hasn't called or done anything for a few weeks now.

Unfortunately, I still do see her all the time because we live really close to each other. Her sister is close to my family and gives me updates on her even when I don't ask. I hate that she can't just call on her own. It really shows her immaturity to me. Telling others to tell me she wants to be friends... give me a break. Sometimes I wish I could just delete these last few months from my life and move on. I wish my friend would've never introduced me to her. If I would've never met her I would be so much happier right now. When I was with her my grades dropped, I didn't work as much, I fell for her, etc. Basically, I was only there for HER. I just wish I would have never met her because it all feels so pointless now. What a waste of my time that I could've spent improving myself.

I hate that she keeps giving me messages through other people. I wish she would just go away and leave me alone forever. Sometimes I wish I could just run away from everyone and start over. Just screw it all.

Anyone else ever feel this way?

Well at least now you know what kind of person she turned out to be. There's always time and room for improving yourself. Its never too late. Start now if you wish.

She just hungers for your attention. It doesn't necessarily mean she wants you back.
There are people who keeps taking yet has never thought of giving. Those who take too much will eventually fall real hard on the ground.

Focus on yourself now. Don't let her win. I don't know what's really been happening as I didn't read all your previous threads but I can tell, she's one of those who wants to make sure that her Ex is still craving for her.

Go on a holiday. Come back fresh. Don't run and hide. Do your best and prove to her that she lost the great guy in you. So, shine!
X

Well at least now you know what kind of person she turned out to be. Theres always time and room for improving yourself. Its never too late. Start now if you wish.

She just hungers for your attention. It doesnt necessarily mean she wants you back.
There are people who keeps taking yet has never thought of giving. Those who take too much will eventually fall real hard on the ground.

Focus on yourself now. Dont let her win. I dont know whats really been happening as I didnt read all your previous threads but I can tell, shes one of those who wants to make sure that her Ex is still craving for her.

Go on a holiday. Come back fresh. Dont run and hide. Do your best and prove to her that she lost the great guy in you. So, shine!
x

I'm definitely trying my best to move on and heal, but whenever I get these "messages" through other people it gives me some false hope that she wants me back. I hate it.

Oh Dawg... How I feel what you are saying. Here's the deal - ready? The next time one of these "friends" passes any message or update, tell them that they are hurting you. Not her. THEY are doing it. Let them know. Ask them to help you forget that unfortunate time in your life. If they are your friends, they will do as you ask.

I'm definitely trying my best to move on and heal, but whenever I get these "messages" through other people it gives me some false hope that she wants me back. I hate it.


Why would you stay on and hear more of the messages?
Leave and excuse yourself politely. I was someone else's backup,too(for the last one year out of 4 years relationship! ), Fresh wound,by the way . I kicked him out of the house and made him pay the 'compensation'. He keeps texting me saying 'Im sorry I just want us to be friends'... eeeerrr OK,stop it already. One of those who is trying way too hard to keep scores and too desperately to win pride. Let it go. If she really wants you back and can't help it anymore then she WILL come straight to you and talk it over. Doing it through 'messengers' does NOT count at all. Stupid game!

Don't wait. Don't keep your hope high. Sometimes we gain by letting go ;)
Just CHANGE your cell number or anything about her that you could get your hands on -
Get rid of it. Time doesn't tick for nothing... (it ticks to change the seasons,places,people and sadly/thankfully,hearts).

Don't dwell on the past - doesn't matter who you'll end up with. A waste of time. It slows everything down and blinds you. Give your heart a break... dont fill it up with pent-up 'what if's. I think I'd better stop before I sound like Im about to write a philosophy book.
YOU WILL MAKE IT!
Xx


PS: I still love my cheating ex with my all my heart,though. He is a great man and it's a
Shame that he can't see that in himself. He just has to ruin everything the whole time.
Oh well,he's happily off with the third party now.

Take the life experience from this relationship and learn! :] Or it was worth nothing, do not regret the past. Be happy and take every day as it comes - there is no time like the present to do something you really want to do either.

Ignore those second hand messages, and tell them to mind their own business.

I'm definitely trying my best to move on and heal, but whenever I get these "messages" through other people it gives me some false hope that she wants me back. I hate it.

So, you are still hoping she wants you back?

You are on the right track: No contact, concentrating on healing and moving on and I commend you.

About those who are interested in "updating" you: Like others have said, ignore them, politely tell them that you don't care, etc.

But, since you cannot control other people and the world we live in, this is a good time to learn to master control over yourself. Especially since you said you see her all the time, you really have to muster your strength and courage to steel yourself against these unwanted reminders. It will be hard, being reminded all the time, so do the best you can, take all the steps that are in your control, and deal with the rest as it comes.

Don't hold onto false hope... including hoping for false hope. Don't regret anything in your life because every mistake or failure is an opportunity for self-awareness and self-growth. Every success is also an opportunity for growth. So, regret nothing. You will be a much stronger and wiser man once you make it through this.

Hold on and ride it through.

Never doubt the value of your experiences, my friend. You may think that you've lost out in terms of grades, whatnot, but these things are ultimately transitory. What you have gained here will stick with you for your entire life. The only thing remaining that you can get from this is to improve yourself immeasurably - to such an extent, and so subtly, that in several months or even a year from now you'll hardly recognize yourself. You'll look into a mirror and think, "Who is that handsom and independent young man?" You'll realize that not only are you happier, you're BETTER, and women will respond to that.

By 'wasting' your time, this girl has given you a wonderful gift. Her mistakes, her flaws in character, have emphasized the positive attributes that you possess and caused a redaction in the negative ones. I'm so happy for you because you have no idea what sort of opportunities this woman has given you. Never hate her for what has happened and, more importantly, do not judge all women based upon her actions. Life, as they say, is what happens when you're making plans. Life just got you, buddy! The nice thing about it is that there's always a tomorrow and things will improve if you let them...

Thanks for the advice everyone. I'm feeling better now.

I haven't been thinking of the ex much lately, but I decided to just count the days to see how long it's actually been. To my surprise it's been 45 days since I last talked to her. The last time I did talk to her was during our break up phone call. She's sent me messages through other people but I haven't actually responded or talked to her directly. I just can't believe how quickly the time has flied. I also can't believe that neither of us have broken down and called the other. It's crazy.

I never thought I'd reach this point. I don't need her in my life anymore and I feel great being single. I think if she had stayed with me I'd still be this sorry person who follows her every command and has no time for himself. I've realized that it's not bad being single at all. You have all the time in the world for yourself now. It's awesome.

Firstly when people part and feelings were present, it is natural to want to remain friends.

Think about if for a minute:

If you met someone you liked you would feel friendship towards them.
If the emotional attachment to the person increased you would feel love for them.
If the emotional attachment then decreases you will once again feel friendship for them.

Now NOBODY EVER ENTERS INTO A RELATIONSHIP WITH A VIEW OF IT ENDING ! If you knew it would end and the feelings would change or go then you would not enter into it. So when others ask her about it, she may well say she wishes you could be friends. That is what she is telling them. I say that again, that is what she is telling them. Its only what she tells you that you can take into account. Don't analise her interactions with others.

EVERY TIME you fall in love, it feels good.
Every time a relationship ends, the feelings go it hurts.

So the choice to make. Never have a relationship, fall in love because the hurt at the end kills.

Or Accept that any and every relationship you enter into has the potential for you to be hurt. Same for her and every last one of us.

As they say that is life: Listen to the song by garth brooks, standing outside the fire.

Now I don't mean to be harsh with that, but it is reality of our human complex relationships. We all are in the same boat. What you need to do is accept that for what ever reason this relationship/connection with this person did not work. The next one for you might work, might not work. Same for her, Same for me, Same for everyone ! We all search for the one person where our love is mutual and will not die.

Think of relationships like going into a shoe shop. (bear with me). You see a lot of shoes that don't look good to you, but then you see a fantastic pair of shoes, exactly what you have been looking for. Excellent, your over the moon with them, you try them on and they seem to fit perfectly. However when you get home you find that in actual fact they don't fit at all, No matter how much you want them to.

So you take them back and put them back on the shelf and beging looking again for another pair, that you hope will be the pair you have been looking for. Etc etc etc.

(Now always remember that the pair of shoes that are not perfect for you might be perfect for another, then again they might try them on like you and find they are not perfect for them).

This is the same for all of our relationships. So all you can do is accept that you were not compatible and allow her to find another compatible person and you to find one !

That's maturity ! (very hard to reach and understand in the light of painfull emotions).

Good luck. Remember we have all been there and probably will be again. The heartache goes with the chance of love. Can't separate the two.

I am currently feeling the same way. But what you are doing (the no contact thing) is a good start.
=]

She left a message while I was at work basically saying it's been awhile and to call her back when I get it. This is her first REAL message since the break up (I've gone NC). Like I've said in other topics, she has sent messages through others but not directly with me. I feel I've healed completely (it's been about 1.5 months since the breakup) and I don't think it would hurt to talk to her. My parents and sisters both said I should. Thoughts?

Once again, I have no feelings for her anymore, and I wouldn't mind being a friend. I'm just not sure what her intentions could be.

1.5 months is not long enough to have "completely healed" and so I wouuld leave well enough alone and not return the phone call. I think it is too soon to think about being a friend to your ex. It just seems to be too convenient and a spot filler thing. But you have to make up your own mind and decide for yourself. If you call her back, which you probably will, just have your sensors on and be careful not to get wrapped up into something you do not need right now.

If you don't you will always wonder what if!

If you are adament in your mind that you want nothing more than friends then she needs to know, but in the first instance make the call and see how you feel!

If she does want to get back together then I'm going to make it clear that I really don't want to right now. I really don't have time at the moment myself to get wrapped up again.

What I find interesting about all this is she broke up with me because she had so much going on. Today was the day that she took her ACT test (told me a few months ago this was the date). Kind of odd how she'd call me today of all days. I'm thinking she has everything out of the way so she might want to get back together. Hopefully not.

And I should have said my mom wants me to call. My dad was really angry that she broke up with me and I just told him she called. He said that she's a liar and I should never give her the time of day again. Geese...

This is definitely a hard choice but I think you still like her anddo want to get back with her but I do wonder how long you guys were together for?? / I will tell you now she I definitely calling cause she wants to give it another go there is no dout about that people who dump people call if thy do for he fact thatt they want to give it another go. For exampleyou have to turn the situation around as I always do... If you dumped a girl cause you wernt sure then would you ring her a month later for a chat no you wouldn't I don't think I would. The only reason I would ring was cuse I might bewondering what she is up to and if I am wondering it must mean that she is on my mind and intern here is still feelings there. She definitely wants to try and have another crack with you andthat will be up too you a lot of the timeit depends on the reason for the break up wasit justlove lost or was there someone else. My other ex she left me for another guy and then she rang and wanted me back I had moved on and was no longer interested in me evenn4 yearslater she still will text on some occasions I don't reply I've given her the boot now. And I was happy with my new girlfriend anuntil she dumped me after 31/2 years. That's telling me something I must be doing wrong andhat is relying on the girlfriend too much after a long period oftime. Good luck...

I called her and it was basically just a friendly phone call. Maybe like 15-20 minutes of us just catching up and bsing like old times. I actually feel better now after talking to her.

She didn't bring up getting back together at all and sounded like she was still really busy. When we ended the conversation she just said to call me sometime and whatnot.

She wants to get back with you by the sound of it she is not going to bring it up because she is scared of your reaction. If she said give me a call sometime that means she is still interested in you and wants to hook back in, I'm not sure ifthats what youwant but she will be sitting at home right now waiting for you to call and the longer you leave it the more keen she is going to be. If you want to get back with her you can invite her over for a movie and if she comes over well you know she wants to be back in cause if she didn't she wouldn't just be coming over to be friends if she wants out she wouldn't want to watch a movie and come over that's for sure.

She wants to get back with you by the sound of it she is not going to bring it up because she is scared of your reaction. If she said give me a call sometime that means she is still interested in you nd wants to hook back in, im not sure ifthats what youwant but she will be sitting at home right now waiting for you to call and the longer you leave it the more keen she is going to be. If you want to get back with her you can invite her over for a movie and if she comes over well you know she wants to be back in cause if she didnt she wouldnt just be coming over to be friends if she wants out she wouldnt want to watch a movie and come over thats for sure.

Really think so? I really have no interest of getting back together with her but wouldn't mind being friends at this point. But I do think you're right. When she broke up with me she told me she still really likes me and maybe we can get back together in the future. I just don't want to do it again though.

She wants you to break no contact. Unless you have healed enough to deal with an ex as a friend don't do it.

She wants you to break no contact. Unless you have healed enough to deal with an ex as a friend don't do it.

Well I did call her and I actually feel better now. I never thought I'd get to this point but it kind of gives me more closure. Hopefully this isn't some game she's playing because I won't let her win.

My thread posted a couple days ago was about her getting back in contact with me after about 1.5 months of no contact. Today I was talking to her cousin and apparently she wants to get back together with me. My ex left a message about 15 minutes ago for me to call her when I get it. I keep saying that I don't want her back and at this point I'm not sure I do, but it's going to be so hard saying it to her. I still really like her a lot but I don't want to get hurt again. Would it be wrong to say I need more time to think about it? Because right now my mind is racing all over.

I would not call her right away, that kind of says it all. But when you do conect with her tell her you have moved on and are still soul searching yourself. But sound happy, make it quik, like yr heading out the door and just say can I get back to you soon, let her feel like you did for a while. Don't mean to make it sound like a game, I really don't, but you need to feel on top for once. Trust me she will be there and if she's not it wasn't meant to be. Continue to get better before you make ANY decisions... gd luck ( ;

Take your time and no it is not wrong. If your not sure about things right now then you need your space and your ex needs to respect that.

Joe

Only you know when your ready. Be honest with yourslf, and with everyone else. You don't have to settle for anything less than what you want. If you want more time, take it.

Here's what happened... So the entire day I avoided calling and she eventually called me in the evening at around 6. Well, we didn't get off the phone until 11. 5 hours of us just talking about stuff, laughing, telling jokes, talking about life, her talking about pleasuring herself (yeah, it was a really off the wall conversation), etc. The entire time we were together in a relationship our conversations never lasted this long or were that good. She told me that she feels she can tell me anything and feels so comfortable talking to me. She even told me about guys hitting on her and her friend trying to hook her up with guys, and I just took it in stride and felt fine with it. In the past, this would have devastated me. When she was getting off she kept on telling me that she wished we could talk all night. Then she invited me over tomorrow to hang out.

The phone call was confusing, because we went back and forth for so long, but it made me feel great for some reason. We were never this open with each other during our relationship. I really feel so comfortable with her now and I've never felt this way about a girl before. While just a couple days ago I was in no contact and I thought I'd never speak to her again or even consider a future relationship. She didn't mention getting back together at all but I think she hinted at it a few times. What should I make of this?

Wow, for someone who wasn't to sure if he wanted to talk to her to someone who has just had a 5 hour telephone conversation. You sure do sound confused. Im a little confused too!

Wow, for someone who wasnt to sure if he wanted to talk to her to someone who has just had a 5 hour telephone conversation. You sure do sound confused. Im a little confused too!

I know. It really is crazy isn't it?

I went into the conversation wanting to get off as quick as possible and then suddenly I just got more and more comfortable talking to her. The 5 hours flew by so fast too. I honestly could've talked to her all night.

I just don't know what this means now.

I've been where you were before least when it comes to the phone conversation. I felt the same way and wasn't sure if I should take the girl back. If u want her back take it slow. Let her call you first let her chase u. but don't act like your avoiding her, be nice and be yourself. Eventually you will work up to hanging out a little but when you see her don't just fall back in love so fast. If u think its not going to work then let her go. Hope my advice helps and good luck. If anyone thinks I'm wrong just correct me.

I just don't know what this means now.
It means you have a choice to make and I would advise you, given your history of moving to fast, to go slow and keep talking, amd see if this is friends zone or a relationship. You both care, you've had a break, go very slow, and see if you two are ready this time. Don't be so quick to lose your heart, or give up the life that's yours, to smother each other. She may want to just be your friend, so your choice is can you live with that? Is that what you want? Go slow and put a lot of thought into this, and when your sure of what you want, then you can work a plan to get it. There is no hurry my friend so don't stop living your life without her.

Its up to you not us only you know when you are ready to call her

Yeah... I'm definitely going to take it slow this time. I don't want to rush into anything and become too attached again. Hopefully when I go over her house tonight she doesn't try to make a move on me or anything, because I'm not ready yet. I'm perfectly fine with being her friend right now.

So I went over the ex's house yesterday night after talking to her on the phone the night before for the first time in 2 months. I was doing no contact and she contacted me. Anyway... it brought back a lot of memories and we had fun. She showed me her senior pictures she got taken and there was even a picture of me, her, and her dad up in the living room. Then we had dinner and she kept inching closer to me and said "Maybe I can sit on your lap!" and made jokes about us making out and everything... lol. But anyway, we hugged a lot and said we missed each other, and things were going good. Then her grandma called and told me how much she missed me.

Eventually she got sick from the dinner we had and I could tell she was really not feeling good. I eventually left early because she said she wouldn't be good company because of the mood she was in. She said I could come over again when we both have off. She said she'd call me later after her nap but she never did. I'm assuming she just slept the whole night because normally she always calls when she says she will.

But anyway... other than that, the day went well. It felt like old times again without the kissing and the actual boyfriend tag. I'm wondering if she wants to get back together and is just waiting for the right time to say it. I'm fine with being her friend right now though. I'm not trying to rush into anything myself, so it's okay. Just spending time with her is great.

I've just been told by people in her family (that I am friends with) that she wants to get back together, so I'm wondering when/if she's going to say it.

You know how females are they love to keep us waiting and guessing. So before you jump out of your skin, be patient. Do other things for now than just focusing on this one friendship.

You know how females are they love to keep us waiting and guessing. So before you jump out of your skin, be patient. Do other things for now than just focusing on this one friendship.

Yeah, definitely. I'll try my best.

Also, do you think I should just keep letting her call me and not call her?

Until you make up your mind as to what you want I would be reluctant to tell you to keep trying for a relationship since I don't know really how either of you feels. You have to be very honest and know whether you have expectations of more than friends. Maybe that's all she wants . Forget what the grapevine says as they know nothing. One step at a time, see what happens in a week.

She hasn't called for 3 days but I'm assuming it's because of her work schedule. Think I should give her a call tomorrow or Sunday? I just feel like she's waiting for me to initiate contact because she called me a bunch of times on the previous days.

To update this...

I went to my sister's baseball game today and she was there. I went over and sat next to her and we talked for a little bit. Her grandma was also there and she hugged me and said how much she missed me. There wasn't much talk because we were paying attention to the game. Then later that night she called and we talked. She told me how much her work schedule and school is taking up her time and she meant to call me but never had the time because of how late she worked. She talked about her graduation that is coming up and how she can only get 8 tickets for some reason, and how 7 of her family members will get one and she wants me to have the last one. We just sort of got into another deep conversation again and how she can trust me and tell me anything without worrying of me judging her. When I say this, I mean she tells me everything. She got on the topic of how she wants me to come with her when she gets her tongue pierced and how horny she is all the time because she hasn't had sex for a long time... lol... but anyway... she eventually said that I'm her best friend and she doesn't know what she'd do without me. She has told me things that some of her family members and best girl friends don't even know. It made me feel good that she looks at me so highly, because I really like just being there for people. Anyway... from the conversation I got the feeling that she wants to come back to me eventually. She is not going with other guys because she still ultimately wants me, but she can't be there fully for me right now so she doesn't want to rush into anything. She didn't say this directly, but I got the feeling because she told me about guys flirting with her or asking her out and having no interest at all. Or how one of her girl friends tried to hook her up with a guy, and she turned it down immediately.

So, that's the latest. Any opinions?

My thread posted a couple days ago was about her getting back in contact with me after about 1.5 months of no contact. Today I was talking to her cousin and apparently she wants to get back together with me. My ex left a message about 15 minutes ago for me to call her when I get it. I keep saying that I don't want her back and at this point I'm not sure I do, but it's going to be so hard saying it to her. I still really like her a lot but I don't want to get hurt again. Would it be wrong to say I need more time to think about it? Because right now my mind is racing all over.
Stick to your guns. Being in limbo with your own feelings is not the right time to get back in to a relationship where you were hurt before. Don't say anything to her that would encourage her to keep calling. You need time to clear your head and heal.

Talk to her when you are ready! Take your time and don't be afraid to speak your mind! If she hurt you the first place do you think she won't do it again? Let her wait for you and stop thinking if you will hurt her when you tell her how you feel. She didn't care about hurting you. The decision is yours!

See how things go when your face to face and just hanging out togeather just take it day by day get to know each other that bit better so you can feel the same way as talking on the phone. Like with chatting on line the phone is an easyer way of talking as your not face to face with each other find the true person she is and decide from there.

Any opinions on my last updated post?

Honestly how do you expect us to keep up with all your questions and not be confused?? What's wrong with just adding on to your old post so we can at least get the picture without reading all the other posts??

Oh is there other posts?

Go slow , get to know her again as if it's a new relationship,
Don't jump back to intimacy, she needs to earn your trust again.

Also in my opinion a girl may not come directly out with a "im sorry and want to get back together"
So act like your in control for now and if it's a girl you just began dating.

So after about 2 months of no contact my ex (the dumper) called me and wanted to catch up. She made it seem like she wanted to get back together and she wasn't going to go with any other guy. Her family even told me she wants to get back together with me. Fast forward about a week to today. I haven't heard from her for awhile and I'm wondering what's up. I don't want to call her because I don't want to sound like I need her again. So I went on her myspace and checked things out. I noticed she had her top friends hidden, so I made them visible because I know how to do things like that. I found some 21 year old guy was her top friend and I was number 9 out of 12. It kind of surprised me considering she told me I was her best friend and the best guy in the world a week earlier. She also told me how her friend tried to hook her up with a 21 year old guy and she wasn't interested at all. So I was like okay, let's check this guy out. The profile was private of course.

It just seems kind of odd to me because she wanted to call me so much last week, and now she's acting so distant. Maybe she really is busy and hasn't updated her friends list for awhile? I don't really know. What do you guys think?

I think she hid those facts from you and make no mistake you are in the friend zone, and it's a good bet that's as close as you'll ever get. There can be no more denial so move on.

I think she hid those facts from you and make no mistake you are in the friend zone, and its a good bet thats as close as you'll ever get. There can be no more denial so move on.

I just find it kind of odd how she said she'd never date anyone more than a year older than her, and now this guy is suddenly her top friend on that stupid site. But whatever, you're probably right. I guess the only thing I can do is move on and stop calling her. This is BS and I can't take it anymore.

My thread posted a couple days ago was about her getting back in contact with me after about 1.5 months of no contact. Today I was talking to her cousin and apparently she wants to get back together with me. My ex left a message about 15 minutes ago for me to call her when I get it. I keep saying that I don't want her back and at this point I'm not sure I do, but it's going to be so hard saying it to her. I still really like her a lot but I don't want to get hurt again. Would it be wrong to say I need more time to think about it? Because right now my mind is racing all over.
If you don't want to get hurt again then I suggest you move on. My ex calls me after a period when he does not hear from me. I always fall back into him talking me into giving it another chance and when I do he does something to make me think about why I broke up with him in the first place. So I just don't have anything to do with him at all because it's a game to him. He does not want to lose me totally but he still wants to be in other realtionships. I am too good ofr him and he knows it and frankly I don't have the time or patience to be dealing with such an emotionally unstable man.

I don't think there is anything wrong in the love relationship since you people still communicate and have fun while enjoying your conversation! In love when we are tired of seeing our love ones we don't call it a break up but we call it a break since you guys are just having a time off your busy love schedule.You are still beginning and you just had 1.5 months break.I know of cases of more than a year or 2 but through these time there is no communication or greeting.Anyway as time unfolds just give us the feedback and we shall know what to add then.

What people say / do and what they actually think are two completely different things.

You need to move on from her I think.

And seriously, who cares what 'ranking' you get on the myspace friend list. That's child's play.

What people say and do are to think completely different things.

You need to move on from her i think.

And seriously, who cares what 'ranking' you get on the myspace friend list. Thats childs play.

I usually don't look into it much, but this was I time that I did. I just thought it was odd that the 21 year old guy that she told me directly she wasn't interested in was #1, and I, the supposed "greatest guy in the world", was #9. This coupled with how she's been acting distant this whole week and hasn't called when I know she was home all day.

The reason she called you was probl;y cause she has been seeing this other guy but he may have gone a bit cold on her and she was feeling a bit worried so she thought she would give you a call and see if you weere still there for her and then she would feel better about things knowing if it doesn't workk with hthe new guy she still has you. This happens a lot she just wants to make herself feel OK and you're the one who is there for that. Definitely no answering calls from her for the next two weeks it may be hard but it must be done you must not let her use you as the fsall back guy. Don't be stupid let her wonder what your doing turn it around on her she can be your fallback girl tell yourself that. No contact for a fortnight don't worry what she says. Ive learnt one thing neverv listen to what they say not even during the relationship. My ex broke it off with mne 5 months ago for two weeks we got backl together and then I kept my distance all was going great she even said I'm feeling so good about you lately and I thought well this is going great but then I slipped back into seeing her too much and she said not much has changed in the 5 months and I said what about what you said last month and she said what doid I say? See you can't believe anything if they say they love you during the relationship just say "i know you do babe" give them nothing they'll rip you apart at the first sign of weakness...

Every time we meet up we flirt like crazy and she tells me how she still likes me more than any guy. For some reason though she hasn't asked me to get back together. It's been over 5 months now since the breakup. She's gone out with other guys but they never worked out. Like a few days ago, I went over her house. She was talking about marriage and how many kids she wants to have one day. She started asking me how many I want and how she couldn't handle twins, and asked if they ran in my family (like she was going to have her kids with me). Then awhile later I heard her talking to her mom about how this was like our first date again, but never said that to me. The way she hints at this stuff makes me suspect that she wants to be with me ultimately, but she won't say it directly.

She's the one that broke up with me, so I don't know if I should just ask her flat out if she wants to start a relationship again. I'm all for it but I don't know if she wants it. We're both going to the same college in the fall but she's going into the marines in January. I think that might be why she hasn't asked, but I don't know. I guess it comes down to if it would be okay for me to ask her out again, or if I should just wait for her to do it.

Maybe this link from loveshack will give you an idea of what is going on. This is advice from a female dumper who now regrets what she did and wants her ex back. It's worth the read. I don't necessarily agree with all her advice. Perhaps she doesn't seem to understand that some dumpers make contact to string their dumpees along indefinitely.

Advise from a Dumper.... - LoveShack.org Community Forums (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=114697)


Not to give you false hope but some dumpers who want you back may be reluctant to come back because of their pride. This could be what is going on in your case. You have a pretty good idea about her personality. Is she the type who is stubborn and too proud to admit when she makes a mistake?

But I don't think you should take the risk of asking her to try again. She has to be the one to swallow her pride if she really wants to come back. If she really wants you back then her interest level in you will eventually cut through that pride of hers. Just continue to keep her at a distance.

If I were you I'd try not to get my hopes up about the hints she's giving you. Hints don't count. She still has not said the magic words you want to hear. I sent you the above link just so you can look at your situation from a different angle. I'm not encouraging you to take it as gospel.

Sounds as though she has plans for her life and doesn't need a relationship to get in the way. Sorry guy but you may be just wasting your time and if you can't just enjoy the company you should, move on and stop holding out hope.

If you want her back now is your chance. Take a chance, you can definitely not ask her to be in a relationship but there is no problem in doing the complete opposite. This is what I would do to make you get the truth out of her.

Next time she rings or whatever tell her, you don't think it's a good idea if you guys talk at the moment because yourve decided to start looking to become involved in a relationship again and you don't think it would be fair to have an ex around because it would not be right for any new girl that comes into your life...

Tell her this!! It is showing that you are after a relationship not saying with her, you are actually pushing her away which will pull her towards you.

Do this its showing your ready to find someone and therefore if she wants to be with you she will say but what about me or she will then say why don't we try again...

Do this because it will allow you to get your answers!!

Do it Let us no what she says...

I have been through many relationships and the best advice I can give you is this. It is hard to say what she really wants. Your perception may be distorted by the fact that you obviously want her back. You may be mistaking her comfort with you as more than she intends. You don't want to scare her away, but want her to know you are still interested. Tell her you are glad you are still friends but still think about her.. . this way you are not coming on too strong and she is somewhat forced to fill in the blank.

Not to give you false hope but some dumpers who want you back may be reluctant to come back because of their pride. This could be what is going on in your case. You have a pretty good idea about her personality. Is she the type who is stubborn and too proud to admit when she makes a mistake?

But I don't think you should take the risk of asking her to try again. She has to be the one to swallow her pride if she really wants to come back. If she really wants you back then her interest level in you will eventually cut through that pride of hers. Just continue to keep her at a distance.

If I were you I'd try not to get my hopes up about the hints she's giving you. Hints don't count. She still has not said the magic words you want to hear. I sent you the above link just so you can look at your situation from a different angle. I'm not encouraging you to take it as gospel.

She is DEFINITELY a stubborn girl. If she doesn't get her way she does get antsy and can throw a fit. This is just another reason why I think she wants to get back together, but can't admit that she was wrong in the first place. When we discussed what happened with our relationship she really was saying stuff I already knew.



Sounds as though she has plans for her life and doesn't need a relationship to get in the way. Sorry guy but you may be just wasting your time and if you can't just enjoy the company you should, move on and stop holding out hope.

You know, I really have no problems with a friendship. I'd consider her one of my best friends because we get along so well and have fun together. I'm just tired of her flirting with me and acting like she wants to get back together only to not say anything about it. I just wish she'd give me a direct answer about it.



If you want her back now is your chance. Take a chance, you can definately not ask her to be in a relationship but there is no problem in doing the complete opposite. This is what i would do to make you get the truth out of her.

Next time she rings or whatever tell her, you dont think its a good idea if you guys talk at the moment because yourve decided to start looking to become involved in a relationship again and you dont think it would be fair to have an ex around because it would not be right for any new girl that comes into your life...

Tell her this!!! it is showing that you are after a relationship not saying with her, you are actually pushing her away which will pull her towards you.

Do this its showing your ready to find someone and therefore if she wants to be with you she will say but what about me or she will then say why dont we try again...

Do this because it will allow you to get your answers!!!!

Do it Let us no what she says...


Hah... I don't know. That just seems like it would push her farther away than before. But if I did do this it wouldn't be a lie. I am interested in another girl and I'm not going to wait around for my ex to make up her mind. I'm actually going on a date on Sunday with a new girl.


I have been through many relationships and the best advice I can give you is this. It is hard to say what she really wants. Your perception may be distorted by the fact that you obviously want her back. You may be mistaking her comfort with you as more than she intends. You don't want to scare her away, but want her to know you are still interested. Tell her you are glad you are still friends but still think about her. . .this way you are not coming on too strong and she is somewhat forced to fill in the blank.


Nah, she has made it pretty clear that she still likes me. I want her back in a way, but I have also healed enough that if she doesn't come back, I won't fret about it. It's not distorting what she is clearly showing me.

People around me are just giving me so many different answers too. My family is saying I should make a move and ask her about it, while you guys are saying I should let her do it. I really am not sure.

Hey, why are you guys always afraid of false hope or losing face??

VAD, I bet she is waiting for you to make the first move. You are a man, at least show her that you are serious about this, being in half-way is not a great idea. Suggest her about the getting back idea. Do it playfully like " what if we get back together?" Or "last night i dreamt about us holding hands, getting back together"... If she loves that story then there you go! THere is nothing to lose and nothing wrong to know something.

Make the first move like your family :D I'd looking forward to your good news :D YEAH

Well here's my take on where to proceed from here. If you really love her and want her back then set a marker or deadline in your mind. Maybe give her 1 month to swallow her pride and say what she feels. If after a month she still hasn't budged then move on. You said it yourself that you have healed enough to the point where you can do just fine without her.

Hey, why are you guys always afraid of false hope or losing face???

VAD, i bet she is waiting for you to make the first move. You are a man, at least show her that you are serious about this, being in half-way is not a great idea. Suggest her about the getting back idea. Do it playfully like " what if we get back together?" Or "last night i dreamt about us holding hands, getting back together"... If she loves that story then there you go! THere is nothing to lose and nothing wrong to know something.

Make the first move like your family :D I'd looking forward to your good news :D YEAH


It's still not safe for him to make the first move. He runs the risk of being set back to square one in the healing process. He cannot afford to risk undoing all the progress he's made. He shouldn't put himself in a position where he's vulnerable to be rejected again.

It's still not safe for him to make the first move. He runs the risk of being set back to square one in the healing process. He cannot afford to risk undoing all the progress he's made. He shouldn't put himself in a position where he's vulnerable to be rejected again.


Who said he CANNOT afford to risk undoing all the progress he's made?? THat what YOU assume him to be, not what HE can or cannot do.

I wouldn't bother. I am not sure who dumped who, but if she ended it then she should be the one making the effort not you. If she's too scared or worried then its her lost not yours. Plenty more people out there in the world, to worry about one.

It just seems odd to me how whenever I go over there, she flirts with me and makes sure she looks her very best. She goes out of her way to dress her best for me. Why would she care if she didn't want to get back together?

I'm just confused about the whole thing. Maybe going on a date with a new girl will make me feel better (which I'm doing on Sunday).

It just seems odd to me how whenever I go over there, she flirts with me and makes sure she looks her very best. She goes out of her way to dress her best for me. Why would she care if she didn't want to get back together?

I'm just confused about the whole thing. Maybe going on a date with a new girl will make me feel better (which I'm doing on Sunday).


My ex flirts with me too. She's gone so far to volunteer information about pain in personal parts of her body & about her menstrual cycle. Seems kind of odd that she would still talk to me about that stuff if she only sees me as a friend at this point. As far as I know she doesn't talk to her other guy friends about that stuff.

If she has a new boyfriend then she should be talking to him about her physical ailments with her private parts. Some of the mixed signals are very strong. I think exes do that sometimes without even being consciously aware that they are leading you on.

Why would she go out of her way to look her best when she sees you? Hmmm. Maybe force of habit on her part. Has she always looked her best when you two were dating?

My ex flirts with me too. She's gone so far to volunteer information about pain in personal parts of her body & about her menstrual cycle. Seems kind of odd that she would still talk to me about that stuff if she only sees me as a friend at this point. As far as I know she doesn't talk to her other guy friends about that stuff.

If she has a new boyfriend then she should be talking to him about her physical ailments with her private parts. Some of the mixed signals are very strong. I think exes do that sometimes without even being consciously aware that they are leading you on.

Why would she go out of her way to look her best when she sees you? Hmmm. Maybe force of habit on her part. Has she always looked her best when you two were dating?

My ex talks about that kind of stuff with me too. I went over there the other day and she was talking about how she hasn't been able to shower because of an operation she had but not to worry because she washed her vagina. She even talked about how she pleasures herself. It was just odd. She doesn't talk like that to her other guy friends either... and she even said that. She said she can trust me with anything.

Honestly, at first when we were together she cared about what she looked like. As time went on she didn't put as much effort into it because we were used to each other. Now she's putting in the effort again.

Well that's a good sign then that she's questioning whether a permanent breakup was the right decision. Sounds like you are playing your cards right. Keep up the good work. Hopefully in time she'll crack.

I've posted a lot on here about signs my ex gave me and it finally happened last week on Thursday. I'm really happy and hopefully we can work through things this time. I've healed and thought long and hard about this for months. No contact really did work even though I fought with people about it.

But anyway, I want to ask something

Since she's the one who broke up with me and asked me back, should I wait for her to make all the moves like kissing for the first time and all that? We've met up twice since getting back together and we've only hugged and she's kissed me on the cheek. I want to go all the way, but I don't want to rush her into anything.

Wow that's great to hear. I don't really have an answer for you though. I'm just 3 weeks into my breakup and I've been doing no contact too. How long were you brokeup? How long did it take for no contact to actually work? If you don't mind me asking.

I got back with an ex... but he's now an ex again. We were broken up for 3 months and he came back... unfortunately we got back into the relationship toooooo fast. 3 months wasn't enough. We were broken up for a reason- NOT because we weren't meant to be- but because our relationship at the time was NOT good and things needed to be changed... I believe that you CAN change things about relationships... every good relationship needs to be worked on. During the 3 months I just dwelled on the fact that I still loved him and wanted him back... I didn't take that time to reflect on what was wrong and what I needed to change about myself and also what needed to be changed in the relationship. He didn't change anything either. So when we got back together we just continued the same relationship... and we broke up 7 months later for the Same reasons. I'm not saying don't get back together or whatever... I still think my ex is the one... but this time around I'm really taking the time to reflect back on the relationship and am fixing what needs to be fixed.. if he and I don't get back together, I will at least be a better girlfriend for the next guy I date. Anyway sorry for the rambling. Just take your time, reflect on why you guys broke up, and figure out what you need to change about yourself and also what she needs to change because you cannot have the same relationship as you did before.. or else it will lead to a breakup again.

Congratulations, my advice just don t make the same mistakes again. Pray and read the Bible

Wow thats great to hear. I don't really have an answer for you though. I'm just 3 weeks into my breakup and i've been doing no contact too. How long were you brokeup? How long did it take for no contact to actually work? If you dont mind me asking.

We were broken up for 5 months. She called me about a month and a half in and I felt I was healed enough by then to talk to her. We talked sparingly from there on and we started to hang out as friends again. She started giving me signs like hugging, touching, and all that about a month ago. Then it happened.

Seriously, just stick with no contact though. It gives you time to heal and time for them to think of you. Just don't go into it thinking you'll get your ex back, because that's what I did initially. Eventually I realized that it was for me and me only and getting her back was just a bonus.

I won't make the same mistakes again either. I know what the problem was and that was me not showing my emotions enough. I've already done that more since we've been dating again.

Absolutely not! Since she's the one who did the breaking up the first time and subsequently asked you back, you've got to take the bull by the horns and grasp the power in this relationship and don't let go. You make the moves when you're ready ; you see her when it's convenient for you ; if anything she says or does makes you feel uncomfortable, then you back off for a while and date others. You put yourself in the driver's seat and stay there. She handed you the keys when she asked you back so take them and proceed accordingly.

I'm at a point in my life where things are just so hectic. I'm doing so much crap and sometimes I just want to come home and sleep. Because of this, my phone calls to my girlfriend are usually always short and uninspired. Plus it seems like I have nothing to talk about when I'm like that.

Completely fine, you don't have to please her and do anything that would make her happy all the time. Love is about given and receiving, not always taking!
She should understand you that you are too tired and it's very normal that we all get tired after long day of work.
If she doesn't understand then that is her problem. Have talked to her, what did she say if you are not calling?
P.S. I am not sure if I want a man calling me everyday, I would think he is a little bit clingy.

Yes! Definitely. I actually prefer to not be called everyday I find it intrusive in my schedule. However I would let your GF know so that why she doesn't take the change in your behavior to mean that you are planning on breaking up with her

Longrelationships can require a call each day.

Longrelationships can require a call each day.

Only if one of the people is very insecure and has an immature attitude and understanding about and in the relationship, and so needs the reassurances of the other person on a daily basis. People who are mature in their relationships realize the needs and wants of the other person. They know when they need to back off. Spending quality time on the phone or in person with another person is preferred.

Completely fine, you don't have to please her and do anything that would make her happy all the time. Love is about given and receiving, not always taking!
She should understand you that you are too tired and it's very normal that we all get tired after long day of work.
If she doesn't understand then that is her problem. Have talked to her, what did she say if you are not calling?
P.S. I am not sure if I want a man calling me everyday, I would think he is a lil bit clingy.

Excellent comment!

For the past week or so my girlfriend hasn't called me at all. I've had to do all the calling. I've tried to make plans to do stuff and she's been making up excuses. I really don't know what's going on because I did nothing wrong. Things seemed great the last time we met up. I haven't seen her since Sunday and I kind of miss her, and she is supposedly busy all weekend. Even when I called her earlier today I heard her groan in the background like she didn't even want to talk. We talked about her staying over night at my house on school nights and today she said she was just joking around. It seemed like she was serious back then... but now it's a joke? Yeah...

I've been nothing but good to her. I don't get what her problem is. Sometimes I wonder if she's just keeping the relationship going because we're going to the same school in the Fall and I'm offering to drive her everyday. I don't know why she'd act distant because she's the one that wanted to get back together 2 weeks ago in the first place. I don't know what to do.

Back off and give her some space. It sounds like she needs that. No calls for a while. And don't offer to drive her to school everyday. Let her have the opportunity to miss you for a while and you go on and do your own thing.

How old are the both of you? How long have you been dating?

Back off and give her some space. It sounds like she needs that. No calls for a while. And don't offer to drive her to school everyday. Let her have the opportunity to miss you for a while and you go on and do your own thing.

Just abruptly back off and don't call or should I tell her that I'm going to give her space? She wants me to drive her to school everyday too... she brought it up actually.


How old are the both of you? How long have you been dating?

I'm 19 and she's 17. She actually broke up with me a few months ago (we were dating for about 4 months) and asked me to get back together about two weeks ago. So, it's kind of odd that she's acting distant now after all this.

Wake up dude I remember you from a while ago... I see she still has you on the leash...

What are you calling her for LET HER CALL YOU!!

LET HER MISS YOU 17 years old EASY...

Don't call her again if you are missing her suck it up!! This won't work if she is not missing you she is just using you for when she's not busy she yanks the lead and you come running...

You want to NOT call and get her to call you and you know what when she calls say I'm a bit busy will callyou later and don't call she wants to play games play them BATTER or get out of the relationship because she is feeding you fish food and your loving it grabbing at every bit.. Take cointrol here because she will be dumping you shortly I can tell this I guarantee this!!

Looks like there is a back story... thanks for alerting us mckenzie.

If what mc is saying is right then she might be tired of being able to lead you around. Maybe you should pull back. And no you shouldn't tell her just do it. It will shock the heck of out of her. I don't condone game playing so I would recommend taking that time back to figure out if you really want to be in a relationship with someone who leads you around by the nose (as mackenzie has implied).

Well she told me to call her back tonight but I guess I just won't call. I'll let her call me if she really wants to. I'll just tell her that I was busy doing stuff and I didn't have time to call or something like that.

Seriously... this relationship isn't even fun for me. It's almost like a chore. If she doesn't want to talk to me, then I won't call her anymore.

If the relationship isn't fun then why are you staying?? That statement sounds crazy VADawg. Don't you agree?

If the relationship isn't fun then why are you staying???? That statement sounds crazy VADawg. don't you agree?

Because I keep expecting the girl that I loved to come back one day and things will be great again. She's my first love. When she asked me back, I almost went into it unprepared because I couldn't believe she was asking me. I guess I'm just holding onto false hope that she'll be like she used to be.

Yes, I do sound crazy saying that. I don't know what I want anymore.

Well you basically just said that you are in love with who she used to be or who you thought she was. Considering that you guys have only dated for 4 months and she has changed significantly it doesn't seem like a good sign.

In my opinion relationships are supposed to be fun, make you feel good, make you be the best version of yourself and most importantly make you feel happy and secure inside of the relationship. If you don't feel these things then frankly you are just bashing your head against a wall.

She just gets really moody at times. She was acting this way the first time she broke up with me and I just feel like it's going to end badly again. I have never loved anyone like I do her and I just wish it could work out... but I don't know how long I can take it. It just doesn't make sense that she would ask to get back together and then act this way. You know?

I know how you feel. But t does take two people doing work in order for a relationship to work. I said to another poster once that a relationship is like a rowboat when only one person paddles you move in circles and get nowhere when both people row you have smooth sailing. Right now she is not paddling and seems to be refusing to do so.

Definitely... and it's painfully obvious that something's not right with her.

So let me ask you this... do you think I should just not call her and let her call me? Or should I call her and tell her I'm concerned with how she's acting? I really don't want to talk to her right now but I feel like not contacting her would be childish. But hey, she's acting childish anyway. I guess I'd basically turn the tables on her if I did that.

I think you need space to think. It seems pretty obvious that you are confused. A few days away from the situation will give you some clarity and help you sort out what you want.

Not for nothing a lot of this behavior has to do with the fact that's she's 17. I was nightmare to boyfriends at 17 (its a shameful part of most women's past ;) ) Teenage girls have no idea what they want, they don't know who they are they are ADD on themselves. She could have thought that she wanted to be back with you then got what she wanted and went oh wait maybe I just wanted it because I couldn't have it. Most 17 year olds want what they can't have and they will fight tooth and nail to get it then when they do they become disinterested.

I know that age has a lot to do with it. She does have a lot of maturing to do and it's obvious in the way she acts sometimes. Plus you add that she did drugs, alcohol, got pregnant (had a miscarriage), and was beaten by her other ex boyfriend before I met her, and you have a girl that has problems and she also doesn't know what she wants. Granted, she's tried her best to put all that behind her, but it still comes up all the time.

She wanted me to call her tonight... but I agree that it really would be best to just cool off and let it be. I need time to clear my head. If she calls me, I'll just tell her that I was busy and had stuff to do. The same thing she's been telling me.

Wow that is a messy past for such a young girl. Has she sought help from a mental health professional for the abusive relationship? A girl that young who gets into something like that can come out scarred for life in regards to relationships.

My opinion is that she needs to get herself help and straighten out herself before she can even be in a relationship.

VA you can't give her happiness she has to already be a healthy and happy person BEFORE coming into a relationship in order for the relationship to be healthy and happy.

She's never gotten professional help as far as I know. After her ex-boyfriend beat her, she moved in with her aunt and she's been living there ever since. As soon as she moved up here, she started trying harder in school and decided that she'd become a secondary virgin. She tried to put everything behind her and start a new life. But every once and awhile, she'll get into a fight with her aunt and things will start getting bad. She'll start ranting about how she wishes she could move back and stop caring again. She gets angry VERY easily and it's obviously a result of her past.

I've told her that she should get help but she always blows it off. I mean, she can be a very sweet girl and obviously has tried her best to put that stuff behind her, but it's almost impossible to do it alone. I've tried my best to talk with her about it but that's not enough.

She has to see it herself that her behavior is causing problems in her life. I guess we can all only hope that at one point she will get some help to address her issues. You can't help her out of that hole, please remember that. She is the only one who can help her.

Sounds like the relationship may have run it's course. Tell her you think you two need to call it quits.. If she is the right one for you, things will work themselves out. But give yourself a break. Leave her.

Stop calling.

2 weeks in with my ex and she wants to break up again. I haven't talked to her, but her myspace lists her as single. I guess I'm going to have to call her and see what's up... but I really don't want to.

I think we all saw this coming. It was either going to be you or her who made the first move. Let us know how everything goes.

I'm almost tempted to call her and tell her that I don't think it's going to work out and we should just be friends again. That we're both going to be too busy to have a relationship. I don't want to get dumped again.

Then why don't you?

Here is Ash's breaking up guide:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/how-break-up-survive-101-use-you-wish-114179.html?highlight=Ash123

You know... we had A LOT more fun just being friends. That's all I really want at this time anyway. I'll call her and basically say "Hey...I need to talk and I think you saw this coming...but it's just not working out. We're both too busy for a relationship and it's pretty obvious. I'd rather just be friends."

I'm not even sad. That's pretty telling of how it was going.

You deserve to be happy in your life and if having her as your girlfriend doesn't make you feel happy then you need to do what you need to do to feel good.

She's not answering her phone... great. I'm glad she's acting so mature about this.

Dawg, I've been following your threads for a while, and do feel your pain, but I think for now you have to be selfish, and look out for yourself. Take some time for you, and do something to vent those feelings, and let the emotional dust settle. There is no more talking that can change anything, but by stepping back, and leaving it alone you can come to terms with this latest setback. Do as she is doing don't answer the phone. Not as a game, but to give you the time you deserve to put things in perspective. Do this for you.

But don't you think I should call and ask her what's the deal with her myspace page? I mean, I knew it was heading in that direction, but I'd like to talk to her about it and see what's up.

This has become a real dumb game, and a disrespectful one at that. She isn't answering her phone, so what are you going to do call all evening. Take a break from this useless drama, and be selfish and let her let you know how she feels, when she gets hold of you. Be unavailable and let the dust settle and end this on your terms not hers. Why do you guys insist on running behind a female with your nose up her butt! It makes no sense.

I didn't leave a message or anything but she has caller ID so she knows I called. I guess she can call me if she really wants to. I'm almost at a loss of what I'd even say to her.

But last night I didn't call her like she wanted me to. Could that be why she broke up with me? If it is, then wow, what a ridiculous reason. Could she not be calling me back as "payback" for not calling her? Talk about immature.

The thing is... we're both going to the same school in the Fall. I was supposed to drive her everyday. I wonder if she actually expects that to happen now. I guess I'll just let it unfold and see what happens. I have no clue what to do and if I should call or not. I'm just really curious to know what her reasoning behind this breakup was.

Dude, not your problem. If she was planning on staying with you to catch ride every day that's pretty ridiculous. Not your problem anymore I'm pretty sure she will find way she can find someone else to catch a ride with, take a bus, a taxi, ride a bike heck ride a magical unicorn to school for all you care. NOT YOUR PROBLEM. DO NOT LET HER GUILT YOU.

Also my guess is that she was not getting her way and she had a hissy fit and acted like a petulent child and decided to end everything. Count your lucky starts on this one Dawg.

The thing is, I don't want to end our friendship over this. Before our relationship, we were GREAT friends. We talked about everything. We hung out all the time. It's just when we talked to each other everyday that it became stale for her apparently.

I'm just so tempted to call her right now though. I really want to find out what her reasons were for the breakup. Her home phone has caller ID so I'm sure she knows I called... but still, you never know. You think I should just wait for her to call Glinda? I'm wondering if she's ignoring me because I didn't call last night.

Let it go. I believe that she is playing a game with you. Do whatever you have to do to not call her. If necessary go put your phone out in the car for the night that way to call her takes time and mental effort on your part. What she wants you to do is desperately call her all night long so she can ignore you and feel like she has the power in the relationship

I want you to realize that there is a chance here that she will not want to continue the friendship. We advise people on here all the time to cut off all contact from the ex in order to heal and to be able to move on. You can go back to being friends once you are over the ex but not before that.

Did you read through all of Ash's posts? It is really helpful.

I've just got people telling me to call and others not to. My parents are saying I should call and find out what's wrong. I did only call once and there's no guarantee she got my call... but I don't know. This is so confusing.

I went through no contact the first time she broke up with me so I know how it is. Honestly, I don't think I need to do it this time around. I'm not sad about this, I'm just baffled that she'd take the route she did. Why not just call me and tell it to me that way?

I haven't read Ash's posts... but I will.

I'm sorry if I'm talking in circles, but this whole situation is a mess and I don't know what to think.

You are just trying to talk it out - nothing wrong with that.

I would wait and try her again tomorrow or give her the weekend. Nothing is going to be accomplished tonight. You have a lot to process and just try to let it sink in. Figure out what's best for you to do. You already know this isn't what you want and I'm sure its frustrating because you can't complete your steps. Patience is the key here I guess.

You're right. I'll just give it some time and call her back tomorrow if she doesn't. I have a feeling she won't so it'll probably be me. If she doesn't answer tomorrow, then I guess I'll just move on and live my life. The relationship wasn't going to work in the first place so I have no reason to fret over it. But if you were to break up with someone, wouldn't you have the guts to call them or meet up with them in person? That's what I don't get here. I know the first thing I would do is call them.

One thing I've learned in my life that when you expect people to act the way you would you will more often then not be disappointed. You would call her and say hey here's what's going on she would rather change her status to single and avoid your calls. If that's how she wants then that's how it is. You can't make her talk to you and if she refuses your calls oh well time for you to start moving on.

I know not everyone thinks the same, but a mature person would do what I would.

Hopefully it works itself out. I hate being in feuds with people. I'm just not the kind of person to deal with them well. I always want to settle things immediately. This is probably why not knowing what her reasons were for breaking up is bothering me so much.

I understand your confusion, but as long as you worry about what she is doing and why yo will be confused as to what you should do. That's the point she is acting like a real young beetch and your thinking about being her friend. Those days are over ad you need to act like a man and not put up with her shat, plain and simple. She must find out you will not tolerate being treated this way, and the second time around at that. Even talking at this point would be the act of a wimp, and that sir is very unattractive, and unhealthy. Reread your own threads for all the proof you need.

I just want to call to find out what happened... but on the other hand, I really don't even want to know. I'm more upset today than I was last night. I think if I did get ahold of her I'd just start going off on a tangent. Maybe it's best I just forget about it all and do my own thing. If she really wants to contact me, she can be a big girl and do it.

I just want to call to find out what happened...but on the other hand, I really don't even want to know. I'm more upset today than I was last night. I think if I did get ahold of her I'd just start going off on a tangent. Maybe it's best I just forget about it all and do my own thing. If she really wants to contact me, she can be a big girl and do it.
Now you've got it!
Leave her alne and get on with your life.

Somebody on another forum I post at said this:


all I'm saying is it seems you are reading a lot into a setting on myspace, which is something you don't even use that often. I would view it as you should be pissed that she wants guys to think she is single more than you're broken up. I think you are overreacting, and you need to send her a text message that states "sorry i didn't call yesterday, i didnt feel well. wanna _________." that will get you all the information you desire.

Stop playing out scenarios until you know what the **** is going on. If she responds you're broken up, then you act like nothing happened.

I don't really agree... but I guess it could be possible. I haven't called her yet.

His opinion is valid. But I don't think you are overreacting. There is a lot more going on in this relationship then just a changed setting on myspace. I sort of viewed this situation as "the straw the broke the camel's back".

I don't think you need to go crawling back to her. You're not happy. Regardless of what you should think in regards to her myspace there is so much more at hand.

I don't think so either. If she really was still together with me, then why wouldn't she call me? I'd think she would find it kind of odd that I hadn't called her for the past two days and would want to find out. Put all this on top of her acting distant and making up excuses not to hang out for the past week and I'd say we are broken up.

I really just want to end this situation once and for all though. I need to call her tomorrow and get some things straight.

Her mom called me today and left me a message saying that she'd just drive her to school tomorrow and she wanted to let me know. I called back about 5 minutes later and no one was picking up. This is just getting too messed up for me. I think I'll leave a message saying something like... "Hey, this is VADawg. I got your message and that's fine, but I'd like to know what's going on with this situation. I really have no clue. So, if someone can call me back, that'd be nice."

I am really getting sick of these games.

I wouldn't even call her. I think deep inside you know what the deal is. If there was something there, she would have called you instead of her mother.
Just be done with it. Go on with your life. Sounds like she has. And if she hasn't, she is taking you for granted and you don't deserve that.
Leave the girl alone. Don't call don't write, don't go out of your way to even speak to her.
Be done with it.

It sounds as if she cannot even be mature enough about this situation to official end things with you. She just changed her status on myspace and your relationship was then done. All I can say is be glad to be rid of someone who thinks so low of your relationship.

but I'd like to know what's going on with this situation. I really have no clue.
Please have nothing to do with this immature female, You already know what the deal is, as of now you are single and free. Don't call her dude, or you show your weakness to her, and by moving on you show your strength. She wants you confused and angry, and calling her. Time NOT to give her what she wants.

Maybe she just wants a little break and time to herself. My boyfriend used to be that way to me and we were forced to take a break and now he has changed so much for the better

She just sent me a message on myspace basically saying that I'm the sweetest guy in the world but we just aren't going to work out. That she'd like to remain friends and we are better off as friends. She also added that she knows it's bad to do it online but didn't give a reason why she's doing it that way.

Why she couldn't call and tell me this is beyond me. Should I even respond back?

She couldn't call and tell you that because she's immature.

Tell her you figured as much and that's fine. That's the end of it.

Its going to be a lot harder on you probably if you were just friends because your going to still talk to her a lot and know everything that's going on with her. If you think you can work things out, try. If not you should probably leave her alone for a little while and if you mean that much to her she'll come back to you once she realizes it. I think she just needs time to decide what she really wants.

Why she couldn't call and tell me this is beyond me.
You expect too much of her obviously,

Should I even respond back?
No, and you can't be friends. Forget her and just HEAL from this ordeal.

She just continues to show you the type of person she is and you continue to not want to see what is plain as the nose on your face. GF does not want you anymore. Don't call her. Don't respond to her, don't speak to her.
Leave her alone, she is so not worth it.

I sent her a message back because I felt I had to. I basically told her I felt the same way and wouldn't mind being friends, but I was pissed that she didn't call. Then she removed me from her friends list and under mood on her page it says amused.

So yeah, I'm officially done with her. I guess she likes seeing me go through pain.

For the past week or so my girlfriend hasn't called me at all. I've had to do all the calling. I've tried to make plans to do stuff and she's been making up excuses. I really don't know what's going on because I did nothing wrong. Things seemed great the last time we met up. I haven't seen her since Sunday and I kind of miss her, and she is supposedly busy all weekend. Even when I called her earlier today I heard her groan in the background like she didn't even want to talk. We talked about her staying over night at my house on school nights and today she said she was just joking around. It seemed like she was serious back then...but now it's a joke? Yeah...

I've been nothing but good to her. I don't get what her problem is. Sometimes I wonder if she's just keeping the relationship going because we're going to the same school in the Fall and I'm offering to drive her everyday. I don't know why she'd act distant because she's the one that wanted to get back together 2 weeks ago in the first place. I don't know what to do.
How old are you guys ?


And how long have you been dating ?

You shouldn't be friends with her then. Friends don't hurt friends. Tell her that. That's what I told my boyfriend when he wanted to just be friends and I was hurt by it

I sent her a message back because I felt I had to. I basically told her I felt the same way and wouldn't mind being friends, but I was pissed that she didn't call. Then she removed me from her friends list and under mood on her page it says amused.

So yeah, I'm officially done with her. I guess she likes seeing me go through pain.
Good for you. Now I'll say it once again. "Be done with it. Leave her alone"

Your probably better off with out her. If she loved you she wouldn't do this

Yeah its probably for the best. You don't need someone like her in your life. I had a feeling that this would not end with you guys being friends. Like I said just be glad that this immature person is out of your life and you can now move on and make some new friends.

My parents are telling me to respond back and ask what's going on. Part of me wants to. But I don't know.

Is she showing any signs of interest in other people?

And does she do this a lot?

I don't think you are going to get anywhere with her to be completely honest.

I have a feeling that even if you called her or showed up at her house or whatever she still would not want to talk or give you an honest answer.

I think you need to just wash your hands of this whole situation. This girl changed and just decided to be insanely disrespectful and insanely immature. Tell your parents that you agree but you know that you are going to get nowhere with her because of how she is acting.

It's just such a weird turnaround. I've known her for almost a year now and she was probably my best friend in that time. This past week, she's changed so much. I've never seen her act this way before. That's basically all I'd want to tell her in the e-mail I'd send back.

I just don't think you are going to get anywhere and I don't think it is worth you expending the energy on. You are not going to get the closure you want from her. Its not going to happen. You need to resign to the fact that something has probably been going on with her for a while and its just coming out now in the most f'ed up way possible. Something has caused her to do this insane change and sadly you may never know why. My guess is that it 100% has nothing to do with you and has everything to do with her.

I sent her another message... I'm sorry but I just had to do it. Basically saying that she's hurting me and making me feel like **** and I don't know why.

Then I saw her on campus with her aunt this morning. Oh lord that was awkward. She said hi so I said hi back, but it was just weird. She hasn't read the message yet.

Okay NO MORE MESSAGES.

VADawg you are not going to get closure from her. You are not going to get anywhere with this. You are just going to drive yourself nuts trying to get some closure out of her. You need to find your own closure and just move on and start to heal.

Don't worry... I'm done.

*edited out my message because I don't want her to find it in the future*

I just needed to get it off my chest. But I promise, that's the last one.

Good. I wouldn't expect a reply but I guess at least you've said your piece. I'm guessing school is starting so at least you will be busy and will have less time to focus on what just happened.

Yeah... but I'm probably going to bump into her everyday. We have classes in the same building at the same time. I guess I'll just be civil and say hi but it's going to be tough.

I can't recall the message but I kind of want to now when I think about it. It was mostly just a knee jerk reaction on my part. Damn, I wish I could take it back.

She sent this back today:

**edited out message for my privacy**

Lol whatever... she's just avoiding what I really want to hear.

All my buddies are telling me to respond with crap like:

The jerk route:

You didn't hurt me at all, go live it up, because I am doing the same. In case you haven't noticed, there are tons of women here, I think I'll be all right.

Or

I'm not really hurt, there really is nothing wrong with me.

They're saying if I don't respond, it'll make it look like I am too hurt/angry to respond.

You are hurt, and this last messages begs no response. I think Vdawg, that you could solve your problems by letting this whole thing go, and finally moving on with your life, and leaving your friends advice of a response behind also. Its time to put the hurt and confusion, behind you and look forward.

mckenzie134 disagrees: Sometimes people who hve beentogether for a while and don't live together like to say goodnight on the phone. Nothing unhealthy about loving someone.

I would appreciate it if you didn't rate someone unless they are totally incorrect. When it is a matter of opinion, especially about relationships, then the answer that someone gives is subjective. Most of us who have been on this site awhile only rate people if they are totally off base or inappropriate in their answers. Even then, we will agree in the rating an let a poster know in a rating about how we really feel. I hate the rating system.

Why do you want to call your girlfriend everyday? All I can say is that in life there is no code or book written to what you should or not do when it comes to relationships. You can tell your girlfriend that you busy and she should accommodate you and your schedule in her life and if she can't do that, then she really doesn't like you for you!

I think I'd go a little nutsy if my beau called everyday. We live pretty far apart while I finish school so I usually drop him a note or email every few days just to let him know I'm fine. At least using email or text messaging it's more on your terms and doesn't require instantaneous feedback. You can just say you were away from your computer, cell phone, etc. (which I'm assuming you are with your schedule) without causing any hurt feelings.

I would appreciate it if you didn't rate someone unless they are totally incorrect. When it is a matter of opinion, especially about relationships, then the answer that someone gives is subjective. Most of us who have been on this site awhile only rate people if they are totally off base or inappropriate in their answers. Even then, we will agree in the rating an let a poster know in a rating about how we really feel. I hate the rating system.

It doesn't saying weather it was correct or incorect I just said I don't agree with your advice.

Some people like a phone cal to each other at night..

In a healthy relationship, its not nessesary to call everyday. All couples set their own rules.

Following up on this:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/problems-relationship-122328.html

That was probably the most messed up break up I've ever gone through. She never called and just completely ignored me. Then after saying she wanted to be friends, she just blew me off and wrote me off as a friend. The last couple days I've noticed she's checked my myspace page often (I have a tracker). I have done my best to just forget about her.

Then last night I was talking to her cousin (who my ex lives with) online. I've always been close with her cousin in a brother and sister type way. Apparently she heard about this whole situation and wanted to set some things straight. She told me that my ex's aunt was angry at all the time she spent with me and thought it would be better if she just focused on her school work and home life over me. So, instead of just making it a clean break, her aunt wanted her to wait a few days to make it seem like she blew me off to make me pissed off. Then when her aunt called me that one day, it was because my ex didn't want to break up so her aunt just did it for her.

My ex and her aunt always had a very odd relationship. They spent way too much time together as it is... but this is just so odd. My ex tried calling me a couple times last week but I never picked up. Now she's checking my myspace almost daily. Could this actually be possible? Could her aunt REALLY be this immature enough to do this? Has anyone ever heard of this before?

It's just so odd and messed up that her aunt would do that to her if true.

First question: What do you want from her?
A relationship? A friendship? Words of validation?

Let me know and I'll give some ideas

First question: What do you want from her?
a relationship? a friendship? words of validation?

let me know and i'll give some ideas

Initially I just wanted a friendship because she was really my best friend. All I really want at this point are words of validation. I was left in the dark and hearing this made me feel even worse. I just wish she'd contact me somehow so this can all be settled. I hate being at odds with someone and it's not like I can avoid her... I see her everyday at school.

Dawg you are never going to get closure from her. You now at least have the reason and I personally think it's a little bs. If she wanted to be with you she wouldn't let someone else convince her to end a relationship that made her happy and that she wanted to stay in. This girl is a mess (As we've already established) be glad she's gone and find your own peace

If she wants to clear her name, she can right? She has ways to reach you right?
She can leave a message. It seems like you are DEFINITELY on her mind. THAT is validation.
She cares about you and she may make it clearer one day... In fact, NC is working so well I'd ask you this:
If you had the option - would you date again? If you can say no, you may be ready to take a friendly call... and end the standoff.

For now, if you are unsure, wait. Life is short and if you can handle the risk, a day may come when you can let her clear her name and maybe feel better...

But try to hold on for now... And see how you feel by Christmas.

I would never date her again... not after all this BS and two breakups. No chance in hell. I don't care how much she changes, it just won't happen. But I would like to be friends with her still. I don't know why, because she did treat me like crap. She was once my best friend and I've never been as close to someone as I was with her. It's just hard losing someone like that and trying to forget about them. I can't stop thinking about her.

This isn't like the first time she broke up with me where I wanted her back as a girlfriend so badly... now I don't. I just want this whole situation to be resolved.

It will be resolved.
Taking your time is helping that.

Her treating you like crap makes you want it all to make sense.

But she has issues and glad you are starting to see it.. but wait a bit and when the time is right
Have a civil conversation to clear the air... and do NOT sleep with her or it's back the start.

I think it depends on your relationship and how it started, if in the beging you started seeing each other a lot and talking more then once a day then I think you should call her everyday cause if you don't she might think somthings wrong, and I'm sure she'd like to talk to you every day even if its only for a min.
But if you guys have always been in a relationship where you don't need or want to talk everyday then its fine not to...
But I know I'd like a call everyday

This is a follow up on this situation:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/problems-relationship-122328.html

She basically broke up with my through myspace and didn't answer the phone. I had no clue what was going on and was prepared to write her out of my life.

Well, this ex just sent me a message on myspace (removed actual message just in case she stumbles upon this place) basically saying that she saw me the other day and that she misses me as a friend because I always cheer her up. She said her dad was not doing well and she needed someone to talk to. That I always cheered her up and she left her phone number.

She even sent me a friend request.


I have no clue what to even do. On one hand, I want to call and see what's going on. On the other hand, she really messed up my head and I was really pissed about this whole situation. What would you guys do in this situation?

This is a follow up on this situation:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/problems-relationship-122328.html

She basically broke up with my through myspace and didn't answer the phone. I had no clue what was going on and was prepared to write her out of my life.

Well, this ex just sent me a message on myspace saying this: "hey i saw you the other day driving by...well im sure you don't want to even talk to me ...but i miss having you as a friend b/c you always listened to me...im not ready for a relationship and i wasn't before ...but i need a friend right now...my dad isn't doing good at all i just found out yesterday that he started drinking ..he dosn't look well at all...im scared he might die!! call me when ever you get the chance you always seem to cheer me up ....(her phone number)"

She even sent me a friend request.


I have no clue what to even do. On one hand, I want to call and see what's going on. On the other hand, she really messed up my head and I was really pissed about this whole situation. What would you guys do in this situation?

Strong dilemma. I've found the moral way is the best way. If in your heart you care for her, you should be there for her. However, do this cautiously because she may have just realized she misses you or even worse she may have ended it with another guy and you're a rebound. The other reason could be she may have cut you off because of what happened to her father out of fear you would abandon her (insecurity can be cruel). You must find out how ill her father is. I know it sounds terrible but it is crucial since it could just be an attempt to tug at your heart strings. Be yourself and remain guarded emotionally. Now from the previous post it seems she is a bit of a user.

The thing is, her father has been alcoholic his entire life and this situation always arose when I did talk to her as a friend and a boyfriend. I'm not sure if she's just using it as an excuse to talk to me now or if it really is happening. It's such a reoccuring problem that I can't even be sure.

I'm asking my family about it and they all think I should just respond to her angrily or not at all. That's just not in my nature. I am one to give people second chances when they screw up; it's just how I am. I want to call her but just not tonight. I need time to think about it.

Should I even respond to this message? She left her number at the end so I think she just wants me to call. I don't know what to do.

For some reason I still do care for her. I know most people would cut somebody off that did this to them, but she was my best friend before this happened. It was just so out of her nature to do this to me. I don't think she was thinking at the time what kind of repercussions would come from it.

I don't know... this is so confusing.

I hate to tell you this man, but considering the family history she has the situation is only going to keep repeating. You have a romantic's heart which is why you are willing to help. Don't lose that but at the same time don't lose yourself. It's great that you aren't cynical and nihilistic. If you must be there for her tell her you are willing to talk to her about it but assert you don't feel like you could be in a relationship with her either. That what she has done to you hasn't been right and that you wish she could have been more of a friend to you, then immediately ask her how she feels about her pops. Remain emotionally guarded. Do not concede anything to her, especially if she says I miss you don't say it back. Be there for a few weeks and once her focus goes away from her father than back off. Also talk to her on the phone or email only. Do not see her just talk to her. Remain distant.

She says she needs a friend. Do you want to be her friend? Let her know. If she is angling for more, you need to decide if you are available at her beck and call to cheer her up.

I understand where you're coming from. I just need to say something to her to make myself feel okay... you know? It'll eat at my conscience.

But about not seeing her in person, we actually go to the same college and I see her almost everyday. If I really wanted to, I would run into her everyday, but I take different routes just to avoid her. These past 2 weeks I've noticed her staring at me from afar. I'm worried she might come up to me and strike up a conversation or something. I don't think I'm ready to see her and talk again like that. I can handle the phone or e-mail... just not face-to-face.

That seals it. I believe she is going to try and get you back. I would remain guarded. Your behaviour does show something interesting though. Guilt is the reason you want to help her. So you aren't doing this for the sake of caring for her or morality but to ease your guilt. That is a near co-dependent behaviour. You have to do it for the right reasons. It's no coincidence that the daughter of an alcoholic would want to be with someone who is overtly giving. Think about it long and hard before you commit these emotions.

I guess it is kind of that way. Of course I still care for her, but it would be in my head at all times if I don't call her. I need to say something to feel right. So yeah, I guess it is more for me than anything. But I also do want the best for her. She was my best friend at one time, so her well being is important to me.

I don't know if you read my previous posts or not, but she has broken up with me twice before in boyfriend-girlfriend relationships. Both time she told me she wasn't ready for a relationship. I fear she'll try again and I do not want that to happen. Moving forward, I want to be nothing more than a friend.

Yes I did read them. She is more likely to do it again and again. It's a characteristic of children of alcoholics. They say they will change and they don't and they repeat and repeat and repeat. I would be forward and state that you are only willing to be a friend now because she hasn't treated you as good as you deserve.

Definitely. The relationship the second time went the Same way. We were great for about a month and then she started getting distant. Then she dropped the bombshell on me. I'm not stupid enough to try again because I know it won't work... not to mention she's going into the army in January. So there's no chance anyway.

But it's pretty much determined I will call her. I just have to. Where it will lead I have no idea, but we'll see. Do you think I should wait awhile or just do it tomorrow?

Do it when you have time. Don't put anything to the side for it. Since you aren't getting back with her be emotionally supportive but do not tell her how YOU feel at all in regards to missing her or liking/loving her. She says I feel sad tell her I feel sympathy make a joke or whatever it is you do and talk about how she feels about her dad. Keep on subject.

So I shouldn't bring up how much she hurt me then? Just be distant about that?

Your call, if you bring it up it might hurt or frustrate her but it will make her realize you aren't for the taking and she will either back off or come harder. If you don't it will make her feel like she may be able to weasel her way into getting you back anyway but she will continue thinking that she can get away with how she acts.

Yeah, I might just bring it up but not make it the center of the conversation. I want to help her out and see what's going on but she needs to know how bad she made me feel.

Thanks a lot for the advice man... I appreciate it. Hopefully I can call her sometime. Who knows though.

Yes. Don't make it about you, make it about helping her. In telling her how you don't feel for her in that "relationship" way because of what she has done in the past to you you are helping her as well. Good luck homey.

VaDawg, you have more concern about her feelings than she has about yours. Just don't let her play you kiddo.

She just sent another e-mail...

"I wasn't sure if you got my last e-mail...but ...if you would be okay with it...I could really use a friend right now...I know you hate me ...but I didn't mean for things to happen the way they did...everything bad was happening all at once and it still is ...you are the one friend I am comfortable talking to! I just need a friend right now...but if your willing to still be my friend...I am really stressed out with a lot of things...if my Aunt knew I was talking to you via myspace she would kill me...she says I cannot get on it at the house...so if you call...and if it ever gets mentioned...just tell her we talked in school...don't even mention the email she'll get suspicious. but anyways hopefully I'll hear from you if not I will understand..."


This is eating at me so bad right now.

Take a deep breath, you're not a bad dude for not responding immediately. Give her until at least the morning time. Furthermore, I want you to realize something that I know to be true but difficult to accept people like her are very good at tugging at heart strings. She knows exactly what to say to make you feel the way you do. My ex just emailed me today and said in not so many words, "guess what I'm going to see your favorite musician first row". This is an attempt to create an emotional uprising. If her attempts weren't so transparent I would have freaked out. What she wants is for me to break down and beg her to let me go with her. I will not. You have to stand strong. Most of all don't let it eat at you away. You must understand you feel this way because of who you are. Some people would respond back saying " f u" but that's not your style but you must know that there really is no exact right response. She's even adding drama with the aunt thing, typical child of an alcoholic father. Don't even mention anything about the aunt and reply later take a deep breath go play Halo and realize you're too damn young and single to let this weigh on your conscience.

This is the e-mail I'm about to send:

"(her name),

I saw your message on Myspace late last night and I wasn't really sure how to respond. I wasn't ignoring it or anything. I've been thinking about it a lot. But just to make it clear, I don't hate you. The way things ended just pissed me off because I had no clue what was going on. I thought I did something horrible and you just weren't telling me. I understood that it was probably best we didn't talk to each other for awhile just to move on, but it hit me so fast. I wasn't really sure why things happened the way they did.

But I do still want to be friends. Even after all this I still care for you as a friend. I'm really sorry to hear about your dad and I know how much it hurts you. When I get a chance I'll give you a call."


How does it sound?

This is the e-mail I'm about to send:

"(her name),

I saw your message on Myspace late last night and I wasn't really sure how to respond. I wasn't ignoring it or anything. I've been thinking about it a lot. But just to make it clear, I don't hate you. The way things ended just pissed me off because I had no clue what was going on. I thought I did something horrible and you just weren't telling me. I understood that it was probably best we didn't talk to each other for awhile just to move on, but it hit me so fast. I wasn't really sure why things happened the way they did.

But I do still want to be friends. Even after all this I still care for you as a friend. I'm really sorry to hear about your dad and I know how much it hurts you. When I get a chance I'll give you a call."


How does it sound?

Here is my analysis right off the bat. Get rid of "I've been thinking about it a lot", then get rid of "I wasn't sure how to respond", then say you were upset and put off not "pissed off". The rest is good. You don't want to give her a sense she is clogging up your mind and you can't think of anything else, that's needy, so don't tell her you've thought in depth about it. Never show uncertainty to anyone, if you don't know don't say so (that is unless you're in class or learning something then say so and ask questions, although saying you don't know something doesn't need to precede a question, and saying you don't know how to respond in the sense you are is unnecessary and detrimental), so don't say I wasn't sure how to respond just leave that out, it makes her look like she can easily throw you off. Now the pissed off part, you want to show her you're more emotionally composed than that. Using less intense adjectives is the key. In communication when making point adjectives are inherently powerful. You increase the intensity depending on what kind of reaction you are seeking. In your case you're simply looking to portray genuine concern, but that you don't need her in life to survive. Stick to your guns.

Thanks for all the tips. I took out what you said and just sent it.

Now all I have to do is make the call. I honestly don't feel like doing it tonight because I feel like crap, but I will tomorrow.

Do it on your time, that's it. If you feel like crap do something you want to do today. Go play video games. Have a beer with a bud. Take care.

She responded to the e-mail a couple hours ago. She basically said that she was happy I don't hate her and basically went into how her dad was probably going to die. Then she told me what she was doing tomorrow and to call her tonight if I want because she'll be up late. No mention of the breakup or anything. Kind of what I expected, but I'm a little disappointed.

I guess I'll just help her out when I call her tomorrow. Maybe at a later time I can bring up the nature of the break up.

She responded to the e-mail a couple hours ago. She basically said that she was happy I don't hate her and basically went into how her dad was probably going to die. Then she told me what she was doing tomorrow and to call her tonight if I want because she'll be up late. No mention of the breakup or anything. Kind of what I expected, but I'm a little disappointed.

I guess I'll just help her out when I call her tomorrow. Maybe at a later time I can bring up the nature of the break up.

Seemingly she wants to use you as her shoulder to cry on and at the present moment no more. It really all depends on what you want. The breakup seems to be related to her emotional fragility. Her explanation would be obscure I think. She is going to be a handful of headaches for you. If you want to be there for her you would be altruistic but you risk no reward or return. She doesn't seem to be able to give much to you now. If in fact her dad is dying you have to realize this will be an incredibly harsh time for her. You could be a friend but to think that you may get together and have things flow smoothly is optimistic but against the odds. Good luck.

I posted about the myspace breakup and how she came back to me and wanted to be friends. She came on really close last week and called me two or three times a day and we met up a couple times. It basically felt like we were back together for that week. Well, for some reason she hasn't called me since Saturday. She said she would call me either on Sunday or Monday but she hasn't.

Now... I told her that I didn't want to get back into a serious relationship with her straight up. She agreed and said she didn't have those feelings anymore. But to be honest, I think she does and she is blowing me off this week just so I will second guess what is going on. She came on strong last week so I would get my feelings back for her so she could hold me in the palm of her hand again.

At least that's what I took out of it. If this had happened a few months ago, I would've been second guessing everything and probably would have fallen for her. But I'm stronger now and I realize the games women play.

You guys think I'm right?

From your notes I would have to say you hit a grand-slam. Way to go.

Yep I agree with you.. she's trying to manipulate you, but I don't believe she wants you back. Think about what's going on in her world at the moment. Maybe she was feeling a bit lonely so you were a good distraction to help her feel "wanted" again. That would have boosted her self esteem and now she feels like she can go out and carry on with someone else. Always look at things from the other persons perspective. Forget about your perspective. Hope this helps.

I'm really good friends with my ex. She broke up with me, but we got back in contact about a month and a half after it happened. I was fully healed and we're closer than ever.

Lately though, she's been having a lot of bad mood swings. Whenever we try to talk about serious issues, she tells me that "I've got a lot to learn" or she gets pissed off and tries to make me feel terrible. It's almost like I can't really express my opinion to her without her trying to belittle me.

She's also been really clingy to me, which is weird because she is the one that broke up with me. I've made no effort, and she has. She tries to kiss me and hold hands but I tell her that this isn't what I want right now.

Part of this could be immaturity, but I'm really not sure. I just never noticed this side of her when we dated. Maybe now because I'm more comfortable with her and saying what I want more, it's bringing out her true colors.

It's sad because we are a lot alike and I love her, but I don't think it would ever work again.

Anyone ever had something similar happen?

I've posted about my situation before, and tonight we got even closer. We were holding hands and I ended up going in for the kiss. She didn't seem to mind and went with it. Then she told me that she was falling for me and she's never felt this way about a guy before.

I'm wondering if it would be a good idea to back off a little bit now to make her worried. Maybe this will make her ask for me back. Or is this not a good idea? Should I continue to just go for it?

Just an unsolicited suggestion to you here, would you please post the link or links to whatever you are referring to having asked previously on this site so that others can refer to the information on them so that they have some sort of background on what and why you are asking what you are on this, separate thread from the others. Thanks!

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/all-signs-point-ex-getting-back-together-but-she-hasnt-asked-yet-160662.html

Hey Dawg, you have been pretty busy with this female I see. The only thing I don't see is where you talk and listen to each other, but seems you react together. In one post you don't even want a relationship, but then she hooks you with the myspace which seems how you know how she feels. I'll be watching to see what happens, and can only wish you luck for now.

She was giving me kisses on the cheek all night and was basically hinting at wanting to be kissed. The other night she also said that she really wanted to kiss me. So I just went for it. That's the only reason I did it.

I know that it's probably not a good idea to have this type of relationship, but I just have a feeling she will ask for me back at some point. She told me she was falling for me and loves me more than any other guy she's known. I just don't see her forgetting all of that and moving on.

But I do think I'll back off a little bit just to see how she reacts. Maybe it will kick her in the and realize that I won't be waiting around for her anymore. And if not, then we'll see what happens.

As I remember I thought you should disappear from her life but it seems you have gotten over the weird breakup and she is trying to reestablish what you had before. You have been asked this before so refresh my memory, what is it you want to happen with her? I think your gunshy myself because of what happened before. I also think you should be clear of your expectations so again I ask what do you want from this female? She wants her relationship back what about you?

I hate to say this... I do. Went through the same thing. She broke up with me, then she was just lonely so she and I just started hooking up. At first, I was hesitant, but just went along with it, because I wanted to. We became friends with benefits, which gave her a physical crutch until she met another guy. So she basically used me.

Be careful bud. It might seem like she wants you back, but it could be your head telling yourself that.

I hope she isn't doing this to go against her aunt.

Maybe Dawg, just maybe its time for you to stop wondering, and take the bull by the horns, and make a move to talk to her about where this thing is going. You have invested a lot of face time and emotion, so one way or another, lets stop all the speculation and wondering. Good luck.

Just from your post, I would not play games. She knows how you feel. Don't put a label on it. Just keep doing that in its self. And have a relationship. People don't need this " boyfriend" "girlfriend" label. Just be you on your time and let her be her on her time and the time you have together is that more worth it.