Good Morning,

After searching Google for any info on chat rooms and statistics on what they done to others relationships, I noticed a link to this site and just registered in order to ask my question.

Ok, I met a woman who I instantly connected with on all levels. We share many, many similarities, have comparable dreams, are both in our mid 30's, and have told each other how we genuinely feel a bond, a close connection and that it all just seems so perfect, to use a cliché, like it was meant to be. We love and respect each other.

I live in Texas and she returned back to New York temporarily to care for her mother who has been in poor health. Since day one, there were no problems at all and we continued sailing along while handily getting over any concerns whatsoever before they became issues and even today, we have never raised our voices or really argued. But a few months ago, she told me her chat nickname and asked me to go into a chat room to say hello to her girlfriends there who wanted to say hello and 'meet' me. I replied that I was busy at the time and wasn't really into visiting chat rooms anyway and we left it at that.

The next week, I decided to go to the site, register for a name and pop in to say hello and surprise her. After entering the room, I saw her nickname and was typing my greeting. When I looked at the screen for a second, I saw her name replying to a male who had asked her about her 'bush' and how many dates it would take him to seal the deal. She repsonded that she has a '5 date rule'. Another guy pointed out that her profile pic was hot and that he wanted to go down her shirt, etc. All the while, she is going along with this stuff and replying with the 'LOL's", 'tff', and other comments.

So I stopped typing and decided to see what else was being said or what actually happened in a chat room as it was my first time there. The comments continued and I started getting that bad feeling in the stomach so I left.

A couple of nights later, she told me on the phone that I seemed stressed. I told her I went to the chat room, saw what she was saying and that yes, I was a little bummed out by it and wondered what was going on. She said that I shouldn't be concerned, it is a chat room and is anonymous but that none of it means anything to her. And when it gets bad, she said she ignores them and that for all purposes, she is there to talk to her girlfriends about the day, sports, etc.

So I told myself to relax and not let it bother me. But I went back the next week with a new name and when I got there, there she was telling the room she was single and that she met a man in Central Park where they shared a candy bar. She asked the others what they thought of a person who didn't like their 'other' hanging out in a chat room and you can imagine the comments that followed: Insecure, controlling, bastard, etc. Of course, what else would they say? But I never said to stay out, I said to do what you like to do so you don't resent me and if we get through it, we do. But it was misrepresented and I asked why she said that it was a 'general question'.

She was a little bothered that I was a 'lurker' and didn't say anything, like I was spying. I said it was irrelevant and that I wanted to know about the comments. Her response was that some movie she watched had a scene of two people in the park eating a candy bar and that as far as the 'I'm single' or 'hanging out in a chat room' thing, she doesn't want them to know her business and doesn't tell them everything about her.

While this is going on, we get along great with absolutely everything else. But I have a trust thing now over the continued chat room habit. She said that if I was really bothered by it, she'd stop and take down her profile, which she did on her own. The kicker is that she has gone back in under a different name and I know this 100% from a friend of ours, now she is lying. I haven't said I know because I don't want to be petty about a chat room or insecure, but this has been tough. I have resorted to saying things like 'does your manager know you spend time there?', 'what does that mean to your credibility or character to do this at work?' along with facts about chat rooms having a negative effect on relationships. She says she knows and agrees, but goes back in...

She also took another part time job working a few nights a week to go along with the day job she works meaning we don't talk much. A 'good morning' text in the morning, a call over lunch and another few texts in the afternoon sometimes with little conversation or communication at night before bed like we used to do.

I'm feeling in my gut that something isn't right and I think after all the lying about the chat room thing and whatever else, my trust for her has been whittled down. We tell each other we love each other and that we want to live our dreams and be together, but still, there is something in my gut telling me to be careful.

We talk about marriage, kids, each other, life and while we do, it is amazing. But when the week begins and the chat thing comes up (she justifies the time spent there by saying she only does it at work, not at home or at night) or the busy schedule starts, the feeling returns. The lack of trust is bleeding onto other areas and I'm noticing things I don't think are on the 'up & up'. And then she'll go off to do things with 'friends' I don't know and stays out late every time, even for a quick dinner. They went to a casino in CT last weekend as a last minute plan and she was gone a day longer than she said (we thought we would stay another night... ) and of course, I'm thinking the worst. She rarely answers her phone day or night, she returns your call after a message but does so right away.

I haven't came out and said I don't trust her or that I feel we are growing apart, but I feel it. At the same time, we are great together and have fun with no other problems when together. Am I being too insecure or maybe even jealous? Am I looking at all of the above wrong? I think I may be over analyzing all of it, but at the same time, I don't like what her conversations with other men are about and I feel something is going on. We don't communicate or talk like we always have and though everyone is 'busy', it isn't comfortable and seems like there is more to this that meets the eye.

Again, as a biased observer, am I being ridiculous here? We navigated through some stress of getting past this chat thing, but I don't know if the trust has been too far lost or that the issue itself created a negative situation that I'm now seeing.

Thoughts? Opinions?

Thanks much for the time! :)

Excuse me, I should've said, 'as an unbiased observer'.

If you feel something isn't right, then it probably isn't. Go with you gut instinct and proceed accordingly.

Finding honesty in a chat room is likely. I know I have met some very good people in chat but then there have been the players and phonies - just like the REAL world. It just is easier to hide behind a monitor and be whoever you want to be to whomever you want.

If you do not feel right it is most likely for a good reason. You saw her in chat saying things that disturbed you. If you two proceeded in your relationship and did get together in real life, is she going to stop being flirty online? She told you that her flirty behavior means nothing. That there is no substance to what she says or does. Well, does that include you too?

I would not throw caution to the wind here. I would take that caution and bow out.

The worse thing you could do is turn a blind eye to the things that bug you. They will come back to bite you. If what she does on her own time bugs you and you don't see fit to let it go, then you must be honest and bow out gracefully. She doesn't have to know what you know, but keeping up a charade of interest, where you have concerns is not honest. Why keep the charade going?

I agree with everyone else. If you feel in your gut that something isn't right, then a majority of the time it isn't. I really don't think that you are being too jealous or insecure. I've always been one to go with my intuition, and right now my intuition tells me that I think you have good reason to be concerned.

Some people live out a fantisy life in chat rooms, women would would not wear a 2 piece bikni, will act out being a tramp for fun. Since on the chat no one knows you.

You have 50 year old men pretending to be 14 year old boys to get to meet young girls, and all sorts of other people pretending to be all sorts of things.

So what does she say, if you don't like her talking like this, and if you don't like it, move on.

I don't know, you might be making too much of it. On the other hand, the fact that she's willing to hide it and lie to cover it up is a big red flag. As they say in Washington, "It's not the crime, it's the cover-up".

At the very least, I'd say cool things down, go slow and give her time to reveal her true ideals and values in these matters. If you're too impatient for that, tell her you know she's lying about it and break it off immediately. Her response will tell you whether she values her relationship with you more than her chat fantasy-life. I'm not a big believer in threats, ultimatums and deal-making in affairs of the heart. Make up your own mind whether this is something you can accept or not, and act accordingly.

She doesn't have to know what you know, but keeping up a charade of interest, where you have concerns is not honest. Why keep the charade going??



Thank you all for the responses, I appreciate them! I wanted to offer addition insight to what I wrote and to answer the above comment regarding the charade. Perhaps the stress of the current moment with the chat issue and the resulting thoughts stemming from that have clouded my judgement as they do, but 'charade'.

Again, I love her with all my heart as she claims to do. We have great communication about everything and have never fought or raised our voice at each other. We share the same dreams and desires and while the tears fall, we talk of how lucky we are. Everything else seems perfect and is good but the chat problem has done something to this. I am now trying to determine if there is something an outside observer can point to or see that would make me pause in this.

But I ask in all sincerity, how can this be so briefly classified as a charade? What is it that made you define it as such? Believe me, I'm interested to learn, maybe I'm missing the point here. Is this issue something that is way over my head and I'm really blind to it? As I truly love, respect and like her, don't I owe it to myself to see if it can be tweaked? Everything else in your post makes sense.

Shy, we have been spent time together and it has been very nice. Correct me if I'm wrong, please do, but as I'm neither a needy or overly jealous man who needs control, I keep thinking that when we are back together, the flirting thing won't be much of an issue if it occurs. I think everyone flirts some time with another and it is human behavior to do so. I don't like it, but would it be a problem when you know you will be going to bed and waking up with that person? Does the distance thing involved here factor into it?

Ordinary, great post, thank you. I also have thought that and in a normal situation (i.e. myself answering the same question), would probably share your views.

Everybody, thanks again!

I don't know, you might be making too much of it. On the other hand, the fact that she's willing to hide it and lie to cover it up is a big red flag. As they say in Washington, "It's not the crime, it's the cover-up".

At the very least, I'd say cool things down, go slow and give her time to reveal her true ideals and values in these matters. If you're too impatient for that, tell her you know she's lying about it and break it off immediately. Her response will tell you whether she values her relationship with you more than her chat fantasy-life. I'm not a big believer in threats, ultimatums and deal-making in affairs of the heart. Make up your own mind whether this is something you can accept or not, and act accordingly.



Ordinary, as I read this again, I have to say, I dig it. You make good points and yes sir, I could be looking too deep and over analyzing, I've thought of that occasionally and agree with you on the flag being raised by the dishonesty. And though I never thought I would have a laugh while discussing this, I like the almost Machiavellian manner of allowing her time to 'reveal' who she really is along with the thought of 'if that doesn't work or offer a solution, bail out before you any deeper'. Amusing but very accurate and sensible. Unfortunately, there isn't much that affects us more than a failed relationship which means I'm holding on a bit to see what happens. If I love her, this only seems right. But at the same time, these things are extremely hard to manage as you don't know what the truth is and if your judgement has been clouded.

All that being said, recognizing the problem, identifying it's cause and making a determination of what needs to happen is a lot easier than making that call and cutting the cord. You start thinking, "could we have worked it out or was it that big of a deal?', 'was I just too insecure?', etc. Before you know it, the phone is back in the cradle and you begin to wonder again. UGH!! I don't know what to do?

I think I would've liked to have talked to whoever it was that said 'It is better have loved and lost than to have never loved'. Hahaha...

Thanks again.

What piques my curiosity is why she INVITED you to join her chat room and continued with her flirty etc. behavior. If I would have invited you, I would have always been on my best behavior, not knowing when you would show up or what your screen name would be.

And she does this only when she's at work? I'm surprised it's allowed, and, I'm sorry, but I find it very hard to believe she doesn't seek out her "friends" any time she is on Internet, at work or at home.

The Internet is addictive. Once someone has found a "home" on a Q&A board or in a chat room, it's hard to let go of it or at least let go of that type of interacting with others. Even when you two are married and busy with Real Life, will she find opportunities to be an Internet flirt? No, it's not happening in Real Life, but yes, those are real people out there and she's taking something away from your relationship and chipping away at your trust in her. Dear Abby often runs letters from spouses who have been dumped because of an Internet romance.

Your having to be watchful says something frightening about your relationship with her.

I can remember when I first started dating someone online, I fell hard for this person, we talked every day almost all even after we had chatted for a while.

Well guess what, she was using a fake name, was using her sisters computer and was available evenings because her husband worked.
I was heart broken and still to this day feel some hurt for being betrayed.

So guess what people do lie on line, how much real life dating have you done, not phone talking, not chatting on line, but face to face dating,

All you can do is ask her and either accept what she says or decide to move on by what you know she has done.

The greatest thing between two people that defines a relationship, is the ability to communicate honestly, and work together for the benefit of both. If you have doubts, then you must express them in a respectful, nonjudgemental way, and talk it over and resolve the problems. Anything else is a charade in my book, and can lead to assumptions and misunderstandings that can drive a wedge between partners. I was taking into account the fact you where looking for facts, and making sure of your own feelings, when I used the word charade, instead of declaring you were lying by omission. Me, I put it to her the way I see it, and go from there. You may not be like me, and I respect you for making sure your position is reasonable, but to carry this on without dialog between you would be a charade. I can certainly see her fascination with the net, as you can see my addiction to this site.

Thanks again for the feedback, it's appreciated.

Wondergirl, when she invited me in, and to her credit, she had already told me she was a chatter and that she had by that time spent 4 years doing so. After I went in and saw what I did, she adamantly said that it didn't mean anything because she wasn't there for the pervs, she was there to catch up with a few friends who met there everyday. She of course said that she never hooked up with a chat guy and that she ignored the worst of it. And I believe her, but it is the rest of it and the other comments that to me, are bad enough. She denied me in there and does the cutesy thing that I may be over analyzing, I don't know. And now it is the lying about being there which makes me wonder if there is anything else she is being dishonest about. But ultimately, she really doesn't think she is doing anything wrong.

And when I ask her about what management would say, she says that her office is a joke as people are backstabbing each other and generally on each others nerves. She says when her work is done, she would rather go online than talk with the people in the office and get involved in their politics or games which certainly doesn't justify the wasted time.

Your comment of watching the relationship and it being frightening was certainly an eye opener...

Chuck, we have seen each other often before she went to New York (Long Island). And Talin, I agree with you, you have a very good point and if I wasn't emotionally at risk as they say, I would more than likely put this thing to bed. But again, when your in the situation, it is easier said than done...

.. Edited; my stupid response. Mistake, sorry.

Your right to take the net and the people you meet, with a grain of salt, and not be blinded by your own emotions. Playing your cards close to your vest, and paying attention as you get to really know someone, is a good way to go, which is why I said you don't have to reveal all you know at this point. I think you know how to proceed, and that is slowly.