Hey guys,

So my girlfriend of nearly 2 years have been on the rocks probably the last 3-6 months. It's been rough on me that's for sure but I've tried to be understanding of her needs. We're both 19 and in college.

From what I recollect when I got my new job that worked late and with a 25 minute commute she was upset because she didn't get to see me as much but then felt it was pathetic and made herself act like she doesn't want to see me as much. (weird huh?)

I love seeing my girlfriend, but I don't want to spend every waking moment with her yet (not married! )

Recently, she's been changing a lot. All of the morals she had and the things she stood by she suddenly doesn't care about anymore. For example, I hate tongue rings on girls and find that they get them for certain reasons. My girlfriend hated them, yet said how she has wanted one for 2 years. Either A) she's been lying to me since we haven't been together yet for 2 years. Or B) She's lying about how long she's wanted it.

She's been so distant, we hardly ever have sex anymore, and though she's not a very affectionate person I feel that as I have been a damn good boyfriend to her and always put her and our relationship before my own selfish wants or needs that I deserve to have a better kiss than a crappy peck, am I wrong?

I don't know what to think about this anymore. It hurts me that she is changing so drastically and developing this whole "I don't give a F about what people think about me, I'll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want" attitude.

I feel betrayed somehow and I feel that she does not respect me or my feelings. I also feel that she is being extremely selfish lately and puts her own feelings before mine. For example, I didn't get to see her for a few days, we had a class together and she left early saying how she needed to go straight home and work on homework (it's finals week in college for us) I asked if she wanted me to come by later that night after class and she said no she couldn't do anything because homework and was going to get tired and that we'd hang out later. Come to find out, I get out of class an hour and a half later. She went to her dads house and hung out, then decided to go visit her friend Mark (also her ex boyfriend who told her he would want to get back together with her if she and I broke up) and was chatting and hanging out with him for 2 hours. Now I was pretty damn mad at her and blew up at her since this was completely wrong towards me and when I had asked her before I blew up if I could come see her she said no.

Now she's talking about wanting a tongue ring and I find it repulsive and though It's messed up, out of anger I told her she's not getting one and that I will not date a girl with one. She said "that's your choice" and I said that it's her choice to throw a relationship away because she wants to be like every other 19 year old girl who wants to wear skimpy clothes, get drunk and attract the guys who would want to get in her pants (We've been together since senior year, she's very attractive and I took her virginity.)

Also, she's always been attracted to women but not for a relationship standpoint, yet she was saying how she is bi-curious, and wouldn't mind, or would like to try it out. Now I don't mind as long as I'm there. But I feel like it's cheating if I say it's fine to go fool around with some chick.

Anyway, is it wrong of me to be so frustrated with the fact that she is changing, not showing me the attention I want when I go the extra mile for her, and overall making me feel crappy?

I love this girl, and I hope she is being truthful on her saying she loves me. It just doesn't seem like it. Ever since I got this new job, she's been trying to be more independent because I guess she feels like she was too dependent on me, however she's making herself drift from our relationship when we should be closer than ever.

Looking forward to the help you all will provide.

Kevin

Honey, sorry, but the message that I read in all of this is that she is finding one reason after another for you to end it. She does not want to end it herself - that would make her look like a 'meany', but she is testing you to the limits and doing things she knows will upset you and is no longer physically attracted so, her only defense is none - just to try and get it over with. So do her and yourself that favor and break it up. This will save her face and she can go cry on someone's shoulder, and will surely save your nerves and self-respect.

Don't go after something that is pushing you away, you will not win that battle.

Besides, this stress is not helping you in your educational advancement or planning your future and achieving your goals. Get yourself together and find someone deserving of what you have to offer.

She is obviously not the right one, and two years is long enough for you to have invested - so don't waste anymore time. The healing period will not last forever and the sooner you start, the better.

We will be here for you and help you get through it, so keep in touch.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_11_2.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZSYYYYYYMXDE)
</IMG>

What perplexes me is that she says that she can see herself with me for a very long time and that she loves me with all her heart. Is it that she's trying to find herself and she wants to find what makes her happy and I'm just kind of taking things the wrong way?

I really love this girl.

I agree with Chery, I think she is ready to explore new things.
If you can not tolerate certain things then you neeed to move on.
If you decide to stay and put up with it, then at what cost? She does what she wants and your miserable.

Based on the things you've said, I believe the handwriting's on the wall. This doesn't sound good and doesn't sound like it's going anywhere fast. You need to seriously re-think this whole thing. I think it's time to take the bull by the horns, make the decision to end it and do it.

I've talked to her a little earlier about "us" and if she cares about me and wants to be together and all that and she said yes to all of it.

It's confusing because I don't know if I'm just taking everything very critically and basically being paranoid. She would never cheat, and we've taken a break or two before so if she didn't want to be in the relationship she would say so.

I do however need to have a sit down with her and talk about this stuff because it is just eating at me. I think first I'll write her a letter which will never send so that I can at least figure out what it is that is bugging me and how I feel and then decide what is stupid and what I need to talk to her about.

She is 19 years old, she's been dating you for 2 years and was with someone before you. If my calculations are right she's been with someone on a steady basis since she was at least 16 or 17. Now she is 19, in college and the guy who she, I would guess, spent most of her time with is now busy being a man working and going to school. This must be giving her a feeling of having time just to be herself and finding who that really is. I would guess at some point she realized that all work and no play was no fun and being the person you wanted her to be was confusing and unsatisfying. Now it seems she just wants to sow her wild oaks while she's still young. Is this normal? Yes I think it is.
Personally I take offence to you thinking she is lacking in morals just because she wants to get a tongue ring. And I dare you tell her she can't get one. You are not married as you said and even if you were it doesn't give you the right to try to control her. Further more if she wants to be with a woman, you are such a typical man to say “yeah OK, but I want to be there to” That is your own insecurity talking, and did it ever accrue to you that this is not about you? Any woman who wants to experience this does not want her first and maybe last sexual experience with a woman having a man hanging over her thinking it's about him. It's not about you!
And last , what is wrong with her trying to be more independent? She is going to collage for a reason and I doubt it's so she can one day marry you and stand in the kitchen bare foot and pregnant. You claim to be a good boy friend but all I'm seeing from what you wrote is a controlling, chauvinistic pig.

She is 19 years old, she’s been dating you for 2 years and was with someone before you. If my calculations are right she’s been with someone on a steady basis since she was at least 16 or 17. Now she is 19, in college and the guy who she, I would guess, spent most of her time with is now busy being a man working and going to school. This must be giving her a feeling of having time just to be herself and finding who that really is. I would guess at some point she realized that all work and no play was no fun and being the person you wanted her to be was confusing and unsatisfying. Now it seems she just wants to sow her wild oaks while she’s still young. Is this normal? Yes I think it is.
Personally I take offence to you thinking she is lacking in morals just because she wants to get a tongue ring. And I dare you tell her she can’t get one. You are not married as you said and even if you were it doesn’t give you the right to try to control her. Further more if she wants to be with a woman, you are such a typical man to say “yeah ok, but I want to be there to” That is your own insecurity talking, and did it ever accrue to you that this is not about you? Any woman who wants to experience this does not want her first and maybe last sexual experience with a woman having a man hanging over her thinking it’s about him. It’s not about you!
And last , what is wrong with her trying to be more independent? She is going to collage for a reason and I doubt it’s so she can one day marry you and stand in the kitchen bare foot and pregnant. You claim to be a good boy friend but all I’m seeing from what you wrote is a controlling, chauvinistic pig.

I appreciate your "brutal" honesty and opinion, however you can not justify me being a controlling chauvinistic pic because of one topic. Maybe I came off writing this incorrectly in the first place since I was upset.

I did not tell her she COULDN'T get one, I told her that I do not like them and that I think it's repulsive. The morals were not because of this tongue ring but because of certain things she was so against and continued to be against and then suddenly she just doesn't care anymore what people think or what not.

She and I are both full time students, and she works a little less than part time and I am pulling 40+hrs with a 30 minute commute each way (hoping to move back closer to where I live)

And maybe I came off looking like a "normal" man, but we had talked about exploring this threesome idea and I felt somewhat offended when suddenly she wants to go and explore options or what not while I'm sitting in the dust. How awkward would you feel if your partner wanted to get with someone of the same sex, just for one night, and you knew when it was taking place, yet you were just sitting around doing nothing, or even worse you were stuck at work or something? Your telling me you have no problem with that whatsoever?

Also, for you to make an accusation stating I want her "in the kitchen barefoot and pregnant" is completely immature and irrelevant to this thread. I first started to date her because she WAS more independent (as I am as well) and while I am going for a business major and emphasising in information technology, she wants to be a police officer.

I have gotten information for her on what she needs to do and when she can do it so that I could be of help to her when she does not know how to do it.

So please do not tell me I am some controlling, chauvinistic pig who wants her stuck at home with my children. Because this is far from the truth.

I do however, have a right to feel threatened by her because she is flipping a 180 on me. Maybe she is trying to get a reaction out of me, maybe she is trying to be truthful with me and I'm letting my own personal demons be judgemental because it's not something I want. Either way, I feel like crap and though she and I want to stay together, I want to figure out why she is acting the way she is and if this is a phase or not.

So please do not tell me I am some controlling, chauvinistic pig who wants her stuck at home with my children. Because this is far from the truth.
OK, for what it's worth, I think stonewilder was out of line with the "controlling, chauvinistic pig" comment, but she does make some very important points. Especially this one:

It's not about you!

I do however, have a right to feel threatened by her because she is flipping a 180 on me.
A right to feel threatened? No, the changes she's going through and the choices she's making are not a threat to you. They are a threat only to the image of her you had built up in your mind. She may very well be going to hell in a handbasket and trashing her previous ideals and morals, but even if she is, it threatens nothing more substantial than your previous illusions.

Maybe she is trying to get a reaction out of me, maybe she is trying to be truthful with me and I'm letting my own personal demons be judgemental because it's not something I want.
Maybe it's not about you. Maybe she wants to sow wild oats. Nineteen year-olds do that quite often, I hear. If that's what she wants to do, there's nothing you can do to stop her, and the sooner you stop trying, the better off you both will be.

Either way, I feel like crap and though she and I want to stay together
It sounds to me like you're the one that wants to stay together, but she's already gone emotionally. I think Chery nailed it right off the bat:

She does not want to end it herself - that would make her look like a 'meany', but she is testing you to the limits and doing things she knows will upset you and is no longer physically attracted so, her only defense is none - just to try and get it over with. So do her and yourself that favor and break it up. This will save her face and she can go cry on someone's shoulder, and will surely save your nerves and self-respect.

I want to figure out why she is acting the way she is and if this is a phase or not.
Even if you could figure out what her real motives are, which you can't, it wouldn't change anything about the choice that faces you. Time to cut your losses and get healthy for a future relationship with somebody whose wild oat crop is already in the barn.

I agree that stonewilder has good points, and believe me when I say that I take everything that is posted into consideration and thoroughly look it over. But I felt the hostility was a bit much.

I really don't think she wants to go sleeping around or what not. I know she has this desire to be very independent since she kind of relied on people for a while. I think she feels that she relied on me too much (since I did help her a LOT when she asked.) and maybe she just needs to figure out this stuff.

She said she wants to be with me, she and I are great together, and I haven't brought up any of these things really with her because I want her to be able to work at things herself. I do need to talk to her though and tell her how I've been feeling lately.

She calls me and tells me she loves me and such, she's not really an affectionate person all the time and I take it as her pushing me away which is immature on my part. I have my own insecurities I'm overcoming.

I mean, if she didn't want to be together, why would she just at the beginning of this week talk about moving in together finally and that it would be easier because I want to move closer to work (and closer to my future college at the end of this coming semester.) and she will be going to a school about 12 minutes away driving.

We're both 19, I'm financially stable, and moving out soon and told her that she can come stay with me when she wants to.

I understand I shouldn't be feeling threatened by her wanting to grow and find out what makes her happy, regardless of what risks she has to take.

She and I want to make this work, so I guess I'll try to be open to what she wants but still let her know how I feel about certain things. I may not like everything she wants/does but as long as she's not being unfaithful and deceitful, I should respect her wishes and try to be as supportive as I can.

Your g/f is changing in the growing up way, and I imagine so are you. High school is behind you both, and your getting ready for the real world. Back off and give her the space she needs and stop wondering where that GIRL, you fell for, went. You will have no choice, but to accept her change and deal with it, or let her go. You have no control over her, or her feelings, or choices. And there is no shame in not being able to deal with it.

“I appreciate your "brutal" honesty and opinion, however you can not justify me being a controlling chauvinistic pic because of one topic. Maybe I came off writing this incorrectly in the first place since I was upset.”

I'm not going to do a back ground check to see if what I'm sensing from what you wrote is fact. I'm only going to go by what is in front of me. I can understand that you were hurt and upset at the time and may have wrote some things that was not exactly as you meant it, but there is always a little bit of truth in what we say especially when we let our guard down.

“I did not tell her she COULDN'T get one, I told her that I do not like them and that I think it's repulsive. The morals were not because of this tongue ring but because of certain things she was so against and continued to be against and then suddenly she just doesn't care anymore what people think or what not.”

(Original post) “….. I told her she's not getting one (a tongue ring) and that I will not date a girl with one.”

I can only take you for your word and that is what you wrote. I can't believe you would give her an ultimative over something as stupid as a tongue ring that can be removed and forgotten about when she is over the phase. Why should she care what people think? They are not the ones living her life and I can tell you that 40 years of my live was spent trying to conform to what every body thought, it makes for a miserable existence with a few too many failures.


“And maybe I came off looking like a "normal" man, but we had talked about exploring this threesome idea and I felt somewhat offended when suddenly she wants to go and explore options or what not while I'm sitting in the dust. How awkward would you feel if your partner wanted to get with someone of the same sex, just for one night, and you knew when it was taking place, yet you were just sitting around doing nothing, or even worse you were stuck at work or something? Your telling me you have no problem with that whatsoever?”


What I'm telling you is she is finding herself and as much as you might think you should be there while she dose it, it is something she feels the need to go alone. Sure I can understand how you feel, but it's for one night and she is at least being honest about it. She could just do it and not tell you anything.


“Also, for you to make an accusation stating I want her "in the kitchen barefoot and pregnant" is completely immature and irrelevant to this thread.”

I find it in fact to be very relevant to this thread because from what you wrote it seems that she feels that you are being pushy, judgment and controlling, which would explain her being distant.



“I do however, have a right to feel threatened by her because she is flipping a 180 on me. Maybe she is trying to get a reaction out of me, maybe she is trying to be truthful with me and I'm letting my own personal demons be judgmental because it's not something I want. Either way, I feel like crap and though she and I want to stay together, I want to figure out why she is acting the way she is and if this is a phase or not.”

You are right, you do have reason to feel threatened because she is doing what any normal 19 woman goes through. She is trying to find her self, she is trying to enjoy her youth and experience it before life becomes all business. What she may find might or might not include you. But one thing is for sure… if you fight her on this you will surly lose. She is becoming her own person. You can choose to ride with her or you can get out of the car.

I may not like everything she wants/does but as long as she's not being unfaithful and deceitful, I should respect her wishes and try to be as supportive as I can.
A wise course of action if your going to try and hang in.

Stonewilder: You're right, however, she is not just distant towards me, she's being that way to her family and friends as well. We all are somewhat hurt by it. Leading me to believe it's something going on in her head. I do not judge her for her past or what she wants to do. But when it is something that affects the relationship I tell her how I feel.

Talaniman made a lot of great points (as you always do) and you are completely right. I just need to live my life and do what I am trying to do and let her live hers and develop how she wants. And in the end if it's not what I want in my life, I have to let it go and maybe one day things can reconcile but I just got to keep on rollin'.