My husband Ted and I started dating when we were 16. We had a few breaks over the years, but stayed together for 10 years prior to getting married 4 years ago.

When we were younger, I did a lot of things behind Ted's back - went out, hung out with boys, dated other people when we were on breaks that I didn't tell him about and so forth. My "excuse" for doing these things is that I was coping with sexual abuse that happened when I was 10-12 years old. I was acting out and I didn't think about how my actions would hurt Ted.

I stopped these actions years ago when I realized that the only way to heal would be to take control of my life. I have lived every day since trying to be the best possible partner to Ted, to make up for what I did without him ever knowing about my past. Ted has always known about the abuse and been more than supportive of me, but last year he found out about all the acting out I did, and needless to say, he is very hurt. He feels that I cheated him out of being married to a truthful person. He says he doesn't know who he is married to - he doesn't know who I am. He also says that his life could have been better had I not done what I did (his life isn't "bad" now - we own a home, have a beautiful daughter, no major problems at all)

I keep telling him how sorry I am and how I'm a much different, better person now. He keeps saying that he doesn't see it. He is so angry that every time I do the littlest thing (like forget to lock the car) he blows up and all his anger from the bigger issue comes out, and then he usually decides that I'm a terrible person for leaving the car unlocked, etc. (He's never been like this before - it's all because he found out about the past)

I've asked him numerous times to go to counseling, and he won't - I've also asked if I could go to counseling, and he says that it never did me any good before, why would I go now? I thought I was "past my past" so to speak, so I really don't know how to deal with all these consequences now. I pray all the time for help, I tell Ted that I will give him space and time to heal, but every day I wind up doing something that he gets angry about.

I'm willing to work hard on our relationship and take all the responsibility for my actions, but I don't want to get walked all over in the process. He tells me that I act like "miss thing" and get y trying to defend myself, but I don't know how to "not" defend myself. He also says I'm selfish and am probably only sorry because he found out - I really don't think that's true. If I was a selfish person, I would know it, right? Yes, I want peace in my family, but because it's good for everyone, not just me. I want my husband to be happy, and it really kills me that I've caused a good man so much pain, and I really want to make things right, I just have no idea how. I feel like an electric eel who keeps trying to give hugs without a shock... I want to be perceived as the good person I've worked so hard to be, and I want my husband to be happy. :confused:

Thanks for listening to me vent. =-)

That's great that you are trying to make things work, but I don't blame him for being mad. But really, not telling him and acting like nothing happened is the same as lying to him right?
You said "He found out..." so I'd imagine he found out by himself because you didn't tell him. If that was me, that part would be the most hurtful, you're his wife and you should have told him yourself instead of hearing it from someone else.
I don't think you are truly taking the responsibility for your actions, because if you were you would have told him before he found out some other way.
If he hadn't found out would you have eventually told him? Looking back would you have told him right away? I hope so. Tell him that. It will mean something to him.

You need to get him to to go counselling. If he wants to make this work he will do it. He can't keep giving you the cold shoulder for the rest of your life. You can't live like that, and neither should he.
Start by writing him a letter, and just write your feelings until you've go it all out. Leave it for him read it. He has to know how you feel, and if he won't listen to it, he might as well read it. Write how you feel, and what you want, both from him, from yourself, and from your relationship.

Hi mamabear, I feel your pain and frustration. Sometimes the very things we are trying to hide from, comes back to bite us, as I honestly feel that this whole issue should have been dealt with a long time ago, in an honest way. I can imagine the way your husband feels, but he doesn't want counseling. He needs it, but you cannot make him do anything. I can only suggest get your own help, to learn to deal with his anger and hurt, in a positive way, until he can see for himself, he needs to cool down, and start the dialogue needed to work through this. Now forgive yourself, he knew of the abuse, and should have known there was more to your story than you had told him. There always is!!! The only thing I can't figure is how he found out. Take care of yourself, understand his feelings, but that doesn't mean take his crap. Wrong is wrong. Either he works to solve his problem, constructively, or lose a good mate. He did promise, for better or worse!