I'm 40 years old, he's 41. Married 12 years, 2 kids. This has been an ongoing problem between my husband and I. I have a normal sex drive, we have no physical obstacles and we both enjoy sex but I'm SICK of always initiating making love to my husband! I have spoken to him about this same issue a countless number of times and it's always the same: things get better for a little while and then they go right back to the way things used to be. He says that he enjoys it and I know he does, I don't know if he's just lazy or what? If I don't initiate sex, WE DON'T HAVE SEX. It is creating a huge rift between us as I'll sometimes stop trying and then nothing happens. It's been 1 1/2 months since we've been intimate now. We've have stretches that go on for months at a time (our longest being just short of a year).
I love my husband but am feeling rejected, frustrated and more and more distant from him all the time. Having no physical intimacy has damaged our personal intimacy.
Well, there's more, but I don't want to go on forever as this is the brunt of my problem. I don't know what to do anymore.

Have you seen a marriage counselor about it?

Lonely Me,

Next time you get the urge (and may that be soon), send your husband an invitation to join you for an evening of romance and? You fill in the blanks.

Send the card to him at work. I don't mean an ostentatious card but a simple "Hallmark" will do. When he gets home see if you can figure out the day he gets the card by his actions.

If he reacts the way you expect. When things calm down, reinforce the process by thanking him for taking the initator's role and tell him how much you like him to want you.

Hopefully, after a few more attempts, you will draw him into a more romantically aggressive lover. Sometimes with us guys, blunt force trauma is not the only way for us to educated!

If you know your husband is this way, (and he's been this way for 12 years) if you know he loves you and if things are good with you otherwise, why is this a problem?
Don't try having a battle of the wills and then not have sex because he has not initited it, he won't, then you'll get mad. He is doing what he has always done and expects that if you want to, you'll initiate it.
If it truly bother's you, have a talk with him in a nonconfrontational way, let him know how it makes you feel, or seek some counseling for the both of you.
Why is this starting to get to you so much now?

I agree with Homegirl 50's response. If your husband and you are happy otherwise, then maybe it just turns him on when you initiate. If he weren't responding, then I would be concerned. However, you really should talk to him about it. Communication is THE most important thing in a marriage (that means talking AND listening).

I believe that you have to pick your battles, but you could ask him to initiate once in a while for a bit of variety. Sometimes guys just like what is happening so they don't want to alter it. Usually they will try to make you happy if they love you though!

Hugs, Didi

Have you seen a marriage counselor about it?

No, we haven't. We can communicate pretty good when I initiate that also. Hmmm... Do you see a pattern here? The other poster's are correct in saying that I knew how he was before we were married (although to a lesser extent). I won't try to pretend it was different. In general, any type of intimacy has to be initiated by me. I know what the problem is: me. I have to learn to deal with this more effectively and less destructively. I just can't help feeling resentful sometimes :( . How do I get over that?

Thanks for all your replies... it's kind of you to take the time.

Why is this starting to get to you so much now?

I don't know... I guess I'm being childish and want what I don't have...

You're right... I need to pick my battles and accept my role as 'initiator'... but I can't help it... sometimes it just 'gets my goat'

Thanks for your insight.

I don't know ... I guess I'm being childish and want what I don't have ...

You're right ... I need to pick my battles and accept my role as 'initiator' ... but I can't help it ... sometimes it just 'gets my goat'

Thanks for your insight.
He is the man YOU picked and he seems to like it that way. As I see it, you have a man who allows you to be you and adores you.
Look at it this way, you can have all the sex you want or don't want.
I wish you well.

Could there be something else going on in your life that is really bothering you?

Could there be something else going on in your life that is really bothering you?

I think I may just be going through some sort of 'mid-life crisis'. Sometimes I look at him and wonder if I can spend the rest of my life with someone who doesn't make many attempts at intimacy, sexual, or otherwise. It makes me feel lonely at times. I realize how selfish this is for me to even think, but I wonder if there isn't someone out there that I could relate to better. I'm disappointed in myself for even thinking that! I know that I'm responsible for my own happiness, I don't expect him (or anyone) to 'complete' me... but I feel so distanced from him right now... grown from our lack of intimacy.

Anyhow, I really feel that I need to overcome my own feelings of resentment for having to be the only one that brings up anything deeper than "did you take out the trash" and the only one to initiate sex. I can't help but wonder why he won't do that for me though? We've talked about it so many times and he understands and agrees with me... so why do I have to bring it up every 6 months or so? It seems so disrespectful to me as I try to do things that he likes - and I don't need to be reminded.

40 sounds so young for the change, but I guess anything is possible. I bought a red sport car, let me tell you that having these thoughts and worrying about getting old and irrelevant is normal and temporary. If your having the hot flashes, see a doctor please, but I'm sure nothing will change but you, and your attitude. Are you both healthy, or taking medications? How old are your children? Sorry for all the questions, but forming the best advice takes a lot of info.

40 sounds so young for the change, but I guess anything is possible. I bought a red sport car, let me tell you that having these thoughts and worrying about getting old and irrelevant is normal and temporary. If your having the hot flashes, see a doctor please, but I'm sure nothing will change but you, and your attitude. Are you both healthy, or taking medications? How old are your children? Sorry for all the questions, but forming the best advice takes a lot of info.

Oh, I meant a mid-life crisis as in examining everything in my life... not menopause. I don't have any symptoms of that yet. Both my husband and I are fitness conscious (we excersice, eat right) and take no medications. Our children are 7 & 10.

I can completely understand how you are feeling because I am in the same situation. I'm 31 and my husband 41, married almost 5 years with no children. He was never exactly the kind of guy to chase me around the house but over the past few years it has become more and more apparent that unless I do something about it there is no sex. I have spoken to him about it countless times, and just told him that I would like for him to initiate sometimes so I know when he feels like it and it makes me feel good... Because there have been times when I tried to and he was either too tired, or he would say "later", or he would start talking about something and next thing I know an hour went by and quite frankly I lost the urge! But despite the talks nothing changes beyond a couple of days. A month will go by and he doesn't even notice, he'll say "Has it been that long?". The fact that he has started his own business doesn't help because now he has every reason not to have sex... fatigue, stress, lack of time, and so it just compounds the already existing differences in our drives. I am with you on the frustration, resentment, feeling like I'm missing out, not understanding why other men see me as sexy and would love to have a woman who could easily make love everyday, and yet the one man I love seems to want to do anything but. And he doesn't see a problem, and won't go see a counselor or doctor or anything else... I basically either adapt and accept it once and for all or move on. :(

I can completely understand how you are feeling because I am in the same situation. :(

Gosh, I wish I had some answers for you too. It's very frustrating to me that he doesn't seem to notice a very sexual and attractive wife who's right there ready for him. It's a turn off to me to always make the first move. I know that everyone thinks I should just get over it and make the move, but I have my own sexual turn ons... one of which is to have an aggressive partner make love to me. How am I supposed to help that?

Tell your husband that you have a fantasy, and then break it down to him. Ask him if he's up to fulfilling it. Sometimes you have to prod them a bit when they've gotten into a rut.

And don't beat yourself up...

Everybody wants to be pursued. Its healthy.

He may not be malicious about this. He might not even see the problem.

I'm guessing part of it is his drive is simply lower and add to that the normal "not-newness" when you've been with a partner for some time.

You aren't in the wrong by feeling how you feel. It is how you feel... and it seems you've been pretty tolerant about the whole thing.

Perspective... I was always the pretty behaved guy. Was never the bad boy. Pretty nice to people if given a chance. And when it came to sex I was happy to be an initiator... if I had "go ahead" signals...

That is, when I knew it was OK... I was more than happy to run the show and get things rolling... which isn't the same thing as simply initiating and seeing how things roll.

I've joked with my wife, after talking about this past behavior, that I'm jealous of my son. He's just 4, but I just KNOW he's going to get laid so much more that I ever did. He is fearless, cute, and naughty. He's going to be the kid that says "cmon why not? itd drive your father mad! cmon..." I am so going to get phone call from angry parents. We have a bail money/college fund started...

By the way.. that's a joke. Well, half way.

Anyway... the point is that some guys are wired differently and it took me a few relationships before I figured out it was OK to initiate without prompting, even if it means getting turned down. You don't hafta hit 0.800 to get into the hall of fame (baseball reference). So now I certainly initiate more, though I probably have to override that normal "setting" I had before.

So... maybe he's partly wired like that. It isn't an excuse for neglect. But it takes away from the issue of "are you desirable"... he could very well be this way, period.

Anyway can you take little vacations, breaks, or even a night away from the house together?

When my wife and I were feeling like the "couple" side of us was getting lost in the "family" side/"work" side/etc we decided to plan at least one get away each quarter...

Sometimes its just dinner out and a night in a hotel. One time we rented a room that was 15 minutes away from home and the baby. It wasn't money poorly spent. It helped us reconnect and focus on each other.

And when you can find a way to reconnect to that intimacy you might find that his drive is more present. When I sense that my wife is just beat up from work or whatever, I'm less likely to "impose"...

Sometimes you need to give him a chance to feel what its like to not be on the clock, rushing to get a fix with the kids gone or asleep, etc. we get "away" as much as wed prefer, but the once a quarter couple only overnight out rule has been a wonderful way to reconnect. 10 years together, by the way.

KP has some valid point, as in today's world, couples are always like ships in the night, and have to work hard to connect there regular cycles up. Just curious as to his responses when you ask him directly what's up?

Another aspect to consider is there any long standing unresolved issues between you? Resentment can mess up a love life. Men can be awfully stubborn when they think their back is to the wall.

Has he always been that way? My ex husband loved havng sex, but he loved being dominated and so I was always the one to do everything. He was always that way though from the first time to the very last time. Maybe he needs reassurance that you want him.

Another aspect to consider is there any long standing unresolved issues between you?? Resentment can mess up a love life. Men can be awfully stubborn when they think their back is to the wall.

When I ask him 'what's up'? - I usually get the 'just tired' or "I didn't realize it's been that long" response. Honestly, there isn't any unresolved issues between us except the one I'm bringing up here. He enjoys having sex, just doesn't care to initiate - seems to be able to go with or without. In our talks he's agreed to take a more pro-active role and try to initiate love making (and I've even asked him not to feel offended/rejected if I'm occasionally NOT in the mood) - but it only lasts a matter of days or weeks. I've tried to figure out what is going on in his head and all I can come up with is he's just plain 'LAZY'. I've got no other explanation. In the past, I've tried to tell him things that I like and don't like in the bedroom, but I think he may have taken that as an insult - no matter how many times I've told him that he's a good lover.

Well, the other night, I took Donf's advice and sent him a text saying something sexy along the lines that I wanted him when he got home (he was out late). Well, he arrived home and didn't do anything! I checked his phone (just to be fair) and realized that he must not have read my message... sigh... nice try.
So anyhow, I'm about to explode, so I go upstairs and "initiate" the whole sex thing again. He's a good lover when he wants to be. I know how valuable this is to our relationship as he's much more affectionate the next day. So I guess now I'm satisfied for a short while but expect that we won't be intimate again until I make the move. Arrgh. Honestly, I just don't know how to get over feeling resentful that he won't make the effort.

Two things come to mind, write letter on a day he will be home all day and wait while he reads it. Trying to start the dialogue there, just be non-judgemental, but express your feelings. Secondly, if you can't change him, change yourself. Is this the only glitch in the relationship? Can you accept him as he is??

Sweetie, I just need to say this. Some women have husbands who fool around... some have husbands who won't have sex with them at all... others have abusive husbands, or those that drink too much, disrespect them, etc. While I totally understand that you feel resentful at times, I think you should look at the big picture during those times. Try to concentrate on what you HAVE!! My second husband was a good man... one of the best! I loved him dearly and he adored me. He was so darned satisfied in our relationship that he just didn't 'need' sex. It bothered me a lot. I couldn't understand it. He loved me, I turned him on, we had no unresolved issues, we communicated great! He went to a marriage counselor with me who was experienced in sex therapy. Bottom line was, he just felt content. It drove me crazy!

Well, just days before our tenth anniversary, my husband ended up finding out he was in the final stages of gastric cancer. He was give 2 to 6 weeks to live - but he lived 5 months. Let me tell you this... it was such a HUGE waste of our time precious time together to be frustrated and resentful for some of it. Hun, I am telling you... if you truly love this man then count your blessings and enjoy the love that you have while you have it. Don't waste a moment of ONE MORE DAY being resentful! In the big scheme of things it just isn't worth it!

I have never spent one day since my husband died wishing that he and I had had sex more often. I have, however, wished that I hadn't wasted the hours I spent upset with him.

I may be wrong, I don't know. After all, this is just MY story... but, I think you should give it some thought. Men don't live as long as women. My husband was 52 years old when he died - had only been sick twice in his entire life - didn't drink or smoke. He was physically fit, got lots of fresh air, and all in all did most of the right things. Grab on to what you have, communicate with him, love him and just enjoy what you have. That is my advice to you.

Hugs, Didi

Awwwe, thanks Didi - that was a very nice post you wrote! Everyone here is so damn right - I realize that I shouldn't be so childish and focus on this one downfall in our marriage and just be grateful for what I do have. It's not the biggest deal in the world to have to initiate sex. When I read what you have to say, I completely agree and think, sure, I can accept my role as initiator of sex'... but as time goes on, I know I'll slip back into resentment - which is the area that I need to work on myself and need help to overcome.

Talaniman - Our relationship isn't 'perfect' but we do get along great and are able to communicate well - although I mostly have to initiate that as well. It's not that he doesn't want to talk or isn't willing... he just likes to talk about superficial things. But that's not really an issue with us. I do love him, he's a good dad, good provider, good friend, he's funny, outgoing - It's not really hard to accept him as he is. It's just this ongoing sex thing that is our (my) major obstacle. And I realize that I have made this the obstacle. So my question is: How Do I Get Over My Resentment so I can get on with it?

Recognise him and what he does for you, and the family, and then accept what he can't do. In a marriage we accept the fact that our spouse is good in so many ways, and we deal with the things about them that we can't stand, and for sure all marriages have something about them that are partner can't stand. If you balance the two, you'll find that the good outwieghs the bad , and make the allowances our loving partner deserves. He probably is glad you're the initiator in the relationship, or he would probably never have sex, and talk to himself. You're a good mate. I hope I helped.

I'm 40 years old, he's 41. Married 12 years, 2 kids. This has been an ongoing problem between my husband and I. I have a normal sex drive, we have no physical obstacles and we both enjoy sex but I'm SICK of always initiating making love to my husband! I have spoken to him about this same issue a countless number of times and it's always the same: things get better for a little while and then they go right back to the way things used to be. He says that he enjoys it and I know he does, I don't know if he's just lazy or what? If I don't initiate sex, WE DON'T HAVE SEX. It is creating a huge rift between us as I'll sometimes stop trying and then nothing happens. It's been 1 1/2 months since we've been intimate now. We've have stretches that go on for months at a time (our longest being just short of a year).
I love my husband but am feeling rejected, frustrated and more and more distant from him all the time. Having no physical intimacy has damaged our personal intimacy.
Well, there's more, but I don't want to go on forever as this is the brunt of my problem. I don't know what to do anymore.

Looking at the dates on these posts, perhaps I should let things be. You received great advice and you seem open to it. But because you still express a concern that you feel you might resentment in the future over having to initiate making love, may I suggest something? It is realtively simple. Ask your husband to go to his urologist or internist and ask for blood work up. Ask the doctor to check his hormone level. This is not something that is spoken about a lot that I have heard but men's hormone levels get low just like women's as they get older. It could simply be that his sex drive is low because his hormone level is low. Simple fix. They have pills which aren't that effective but they have shots he can run by and get once or twice a month, depending on how low his level is. The doctor will do blood work periodically to keep a check on it. He will know when he needs to reduce number of times a month of shot. Once a month might work just fine but two a month might get him to a better place quicker then he could level it out... just have him visit with his doctor about it. Just a suggestion and I suggest this in the context that you have a solid relationship with him in all other ways. One doctor stated that he has men in their late 20's coming to him asking for Viagra because of this exact problem but this is not Viagra he will be given. It will be a male hormone like his body should produce anyway. So it isn't a reflection on his manhood nor on you as his wife. If your marriage is solid I would go it. The emotions you are feeling are totally understandable but if his health is good otherwise and the doctor feels good about the injections, it might be worth a try. Much happiness to you! :)

"I'm SICK of always initiating making love to my husband!...I don't know if he's just lazy or what? If I don't initiate sex, WE DON'T HAVE SEX. It is creating a huge rift between us...I love my husband but am feeling rejected, frustrated and more and more distant from him all the time. Having no physical intimacy has damaged our personal intimacy... I don't know what to do anymore."

I have found that getting the right answer involves asking the right question. I reposted some of your comment/question to re-focus on what you are asking. I don't think you are at fault and I believe you should pursue what you are looking for. Don't know if this will be any help, but take a peek and good luck: Sex & intimacy - Revolution Health (http://www.revolutionhealth.com/healthy-living/relationships/sex-intimacy/)

Hi Lonely!

I could have written your post myself! I am 26, my husband is 29. In the past five weeks we have had sex twice, both times at my initiation. This is a very typical scenario for us. We are both very happy with the actual sex that we have. The problem is he never takes initiative with our relationship-- emotionally or physically. I have brought the situation up (carefully) numerous times over the past 6 years of our marriage, and he says, "I'm sorry, I'll change" and he doesn't. I am a good wife to him. I cook him his favorite dinners, kiss him when he comes home, talk to him on the phone every day at lunch, I am down to 105 lbs. I've started wearing makeup every day for the past year, I've started a board game tradition for "together time", suggested (discretely) things he could do to not be so awkward about initiating things (like breaking out the massage oil during a backrub), and nothing is getting through to him!
I am at my wit's end.
Yes, it sounds like we both married passive-type guys, but time has a way of changing people, situations, and needs.
The main thing in my life that has caused me to need a change in his tactics is that I became a stay-at-home mom. It is a rather lonely job, and I knew going in to it that to be successful at it, I would need him to give me a little more of himself. He agreed, but 18 months later, I am so lonely.
I don't know about you, but I need my man to be more of a "man".
How are things going for you? Have you found any way to get through to him?

Yes, it sounds like we both married passive-type guys, but time has a way of changing people, situations, and needs.


Its much easier to change yourself, than its is a husband. Do the things that make you happy, and be responsible for your own change.

Maybe initiate everyday and tell him this is the way it is going to be as long as it is up to you cause you AIN'T going no year, month, or however long waiting on him.
Maybe then he will get the message?

Hi there LonelyMe!

I have a question. When you and your husband were dating, was he aggressively pursuing you in a physical way then? Also, in the first few years of marriage, was he the initiator more than he is now? If so, he is probably just feeling okay about where you are together, tired from work, needs your outside stimulation to kick it into gear for him.

Always being the initiator, I am sure makes you feel he does not desire you as much as before if he was the initiator earlier in the marriage. One thing to think about is that we are saturated by talk of sex on television, radio, friends, co-workers, to the point that I think we assume others are having great "love-making" sessions more often that we are. So when it doesn't happen the way we think it should as women, we take it personally. I do at times. I think even a man, if he has to be the initiator all the time, begins to feel he is not as desired as he would like to be.

My doctor said that a man peaks sexually at about age 25 or 30 and a women begins peaking sexually from 35 on.. He shook his head and said he just didn't know what God was thinking when he designed us this way. There is a strong drive to procreate, then men and sometimes both husband and wife go into career mode, leaving their love making to suffer.

As long as your husband responds lovingly and is proactive during the love-making session with you, maybe just finding new ways of making sex more interesting might peak areas of interest he has not thought about. Give him some suggestions just before he goes to work as to what you would enjoy that evening, that way, it would be on his mind before evening. Just as women, or I should just speak for myself, just as I love lots of foreplay, maybe he just needs some verbal foreplay to begin his day and then when he gets home, he might initiate a little more often.

None of us have the exact answer for you but are here for you to vent to and we are here to offer suggestions.

I don't expect I have given you any miracle answers but believe me when I say I do understand what you are sharing. My husband is older than I so he began to wane a bit just a few years ago, thus the doctor appointment, thus the shots, thus the great love making I shared about in the earlier e-mail. I didn't share it as a personal experience but I imagine you realized it was but I do share this now to be more of an encourager. The two shots per month became a bit much so backed off to one a month. While I would not share this so openly with friends who actually know he and I and live around us, I share it in the forum, in the attempt of helping you and your husband to possibly find some avenues of help. My husband was reluctant at first to mention to his doctor his sex drive was low but he did and we are sure glad he did!

As much as I always thought all men had a high sex drive, having been pursued through the years, I have learned from my doctor and from some friends as we have shared personal things, some men have a very low sex drive. It is not uncommon. Just as we each have our own personality, we also each have our level of sexual drive. Some people need more stimulation, more foreplay, more visual, some like the lights out, no talk, some like lots of verbaliazation during, some want it quiet. These might be things you could visit with your husband about also to get his mind thinking about making love with you, at times when he can't be right there with you then when he gets home, he will be ready to initiate? Just thoughts.

Best to you!

Rebel has a good point, as I bet he may be dedicated to you, in other ways that he shows.

I'm 40 years old, he's 41. Married 12 years, 2 kids. This has been an ongoing problem between my husband and I. I have a normal sex drive, we have no physical obstacles and we both enjoy sex but I'm SICK of always initiating making love to my husband! I have spoken to him about this same issue a countless number of times and it's always the same: things get better for a little while and then they go right back to the way things used to be. He says that he enjoys it and I know he does, I don't know if he's just lazy or what? If I don't initiate sex, WE DON'T HAVE SEX. It is creating a huge rift between us as I'll sometimes stop trying and then nothing happens. It's been 1 1/2 months since we've been intimate now. We've have stretches that go on for months at a time (our longest being just short of a year).
I love my husband but am feeling rejected, frustrated and more and more distant from him all the time. Having no physical intimacy has damaged our personal intimacy.
Well, there's more, but I don't want to go on forever as this is the brunt of my problem. I don't know what to do anymore.
I know what you mean... I HEAR you loud and clear. It's not fair, but some advise for you... Think about you... look at yourself... love yourself... and make him notice you... make some changes to yourself that would make you want to walk outside and be noticed by people... that might open his eyes and let him know that you are awesome, and wanted, and confident in yourself... so he needs to get with it and take hold of the wonderful wife he has... Remember... if you're not happy... no one is around you.

l12 agrees: Very nice to hear that we, as women, are all in the same boat....unless our husbands or lovers are way younger...........Why did this problem happen to us and what in the world are the young women with older men doing to satisfy themselves.....waitin

I can only answer for me but explain to your husband how unsatisfied you are, ask if he has any suggestions. If he doesn't, then suggest that he go to get hormone level checked by simple blood test. Made a world of difference here... he was pleasantly surprised and our world changed for the better. Even when we are not making love, he is just more gentle, loving and caring since he has been getting the hormone shots. (Pills didn't work for him).

I am not saying these hormone shots are the only answer because there are so many other issues that could be going on depending on the couple. But communication regarding sexual matters is as important as communication in any situation.

Communicate; explain what you need to make you content, satisfied and happy and ask what would make your mate content, satisfied and happy. When you enter marriage, you are there to meet each other's needs and it is each one's responsibility to share with one's mate what those needs are. There is usually one that has better communication skills than the other but whoever initiates the communication, at least hopefully, both will come up with a happy resolve to any issue. Neither male nor female are mind readers when it comes to what each other needs so that needs to be communicated verbally, in a quiet, relaxed atmosphere when there aren't going to be a lot of interruptions and a time when each are not exhausted from a long and stressful work day. We live in an area with lakes everywhere so we will take short drives out to the lake and just sit in the quiet of the car and talk. We communicate in a deeper more meaningful way in the car where there are no children, doorbells, TV, etc. because neither one can leave the room, etc. We both have a tendency to tune each other out at home so this is just our way of getting to a quiet place when we need to really talk about issues.

Just a few thoughts. I can only share what has helped my husband and myself and hope something I share either helps or encourages you. Best to you.

Its much easier to change your self, than its is a husband. Do the things that make you happy, and be responsible for your own change.

What makes me happy is feeling connected to and wanted by my husband. If one or both parties in a marriage is/are unsatisfied, it would be far better to address and correct the problem rather than ignore it and have the problem and the resentment build even more over time.
P.S. I appreciate what you are saying, and have done things to fulfill some of my own needs. I just don't want to keep looking out into the world for happiness when it's right in front of me every day. Trust me, my husband wouldn't want me to be responsible for changes that would make me happy without his involvement :)

Trust me, my husband wouldn't want me to be responsible for changes that would make me happy without his involvement :)
Then you have discussed it, and he is still falling short of your expectations. So what does he say to that? Is he happy? Healthy? and stress free.

Then you have discussed it, and he is still falling short of your expectations. So what does he say to that? Is he happy? healthy?, and stress free.?

He stresses about work and things, probably not anymore than anyone else, though.
We've been talking quite a bit in the last couple days, and he says he gets frustrated occasionally when he wants to have sex and I have not initiated. I told him that I don't understand how I am supposed to know to initiate sex when he is silent, frustrated, and becoming resentful. Those feelings won't make me feel sexy, want to initiate sex, or make myself available to his initiation. I think he's just awkward and doesn't know how to approach me amid the day-to-day stuff. I've given him ideas, though (carefully, as I said before; I know how sensitive the male ego is! ), and told him it wouldn't take much more than a touch that had the right energy associated with it for me to get the point.
Also, I don't nag him around the house and things. He only has two chores: scopping the cat litter and occasionally cleaning the garage (which he loves doing during football season because he has a TV out there :) ).
Like I said, he's awesome, and the sex we do have is great, luckily. I'm just feeling like where would we be without my efforts to stay connected? What else do I need to do and why should I have to keep trying without any response?
Thanks for listening.

Then you have discussed it, and he is still falling short of your expectations. So what does he say to that? Is he happy? healthy?, and stress free.?

P.S. I have never turned him down. If I'm ever really not in the mood (rarely), I let him know very specifically well in advance.

Then you have discussed it, and he is still falling short of your expectations. So what does he say to that? Is he happy? healthy?, and stress free.?

P.P.S. Not like I have really had many opportunities to turn him down... Haha!

My answer may be a little bit different, but you are the same age as me and my husband and by appearance there is nothing wrong with us either. But when we went through this and it drove me mad, we found out he had low testosterone levels. Something very underdiagnosed.

This was the problem, and there is no easy solution as low levels of testosterone are hard to correct. Gels, patches... are what we have found, but be careful of transferance. We chose patches as it was less of a tranferance problem.

Good luck. And marriage counseling will help you find other ways of intimate connections including changing up sex some.

It seems that I am going through the same thing. We've been married for 15 years. I totally understand. My husband has always been this way too. Frankly, I don't like it anymore. And I did hear you say that you've attempted to address this with your husband numerous times. I feel you. I was feeling a little frustrated too until I read your blurb. It will be two weeks for us tomorrow, our longest, but given all of the advice, I'm going to break the ice and initiate. Not worth losing what personal feelings we share to gain this initiation, I guess. From your experience, it seems we are unable to teach them to take the initiate. Yes as others have said, he enjoys your initiating -- who wouldn't? I'm hearing you -- that you, like him, enjoy being pursued. Mee too. It seems you cannot teach them to initiate. In turn -- we are suppressing our desire to be pursued. I keep telling myself that I am not withholding -- I'm just not being asked. My husband does seem to be a little nicer since I've been not initiating lately. Maybe I should stay the course.;)

Well it has been quite some time since I've visited this site, and so I thank all who have participated in this discussion, as well as sympathize with all who can relate to my story. My update really isn't much of an update. Things are pretty much the same. What changes is my viewpoint. Sometimes my husband's passivity drives me nuts... sometimes I'm OK and I focus on the positives of our marriage - and there are lots of those!

Someone commented on doing things for myself, and I have to say that I do... I excersize (not just for the outer results, but for the inner energy it gives me... mind/body/soul) and take time for myself. I feel good about myself and I'm definitely not what you'd call a 'vain' person, but I am attractive and do get noticed. It's nice to know and feel secure in myself, but it's not really an issue here.

Rebel made some good points about getting my husband's hormone levels checked... something we haven't explored, but definitely worth looking into - thanks for that information! Also, the point about being in our prime later than our husband's is definitely an issue here as well.

It would be fun to explore new ways to become closer to my husband sexually. I watched Oprah the other day with much interest about sexual intimacy. The 'sex therapist' made a cool point about how women feel that sex is a means to gain more intimacy. It's different than how men feel about sex. Hmmm... sex is such a huge part of who we are and how we relate to one another. Time to re-evaluate and re-prioratize! Not sure how to actually put that into practice, but more food for thought :)

I hope things get better for you soon.
Thanks for the update.

Well it has been quite some time since I've visited this site, and so I thank all who have participated in this discussion, as well as sympathize with all who can relate to my story. My update really isn't much of an update. Things are pretty much the same. What changes is my viewpoint. Sometimes my husband's passivity drives me nuts ... sometimes I'm ok and I focus on the positives of our marriage - and there are lots of those!

Someone commented on doing things for myself, and I have to say that I do ... I excersize (not just for the outer results, but for the inner energy it gives me ... mind/body/soul) and take time for myself. I feel good about myself and I'm definately not what you'd call a 'vain' person, but I am attractive and do get noticed. It's nice to know and feel secure in myself, but it's not really an issue here.

Rebel made some good points about getting my husband's hormone levels checked ... something we haven't explored, but definately worth looking into - thanks for that information! Also, the point about being in our prime later than our husband's is definately an issue here as well.

It would be fun to explore new ways to become closer to my husband sexually. I watched Oprah the other day with much interest about sexual intimacy. The 'sex therapist' made a cool point about how women feel that sex is a means to gain more intimacy. It's different than how men feel about sex. Hmmm ... sex is such a huge part of who we are and how we relate to one another. Time to re-evaluate and re-prioratize! Not sure how to actually put that into practice, but more food for thought :)


Don't get mad but is there any possibility that your husband might be gay? If so, it would easily explain his apparent lack of interest in sex, which might not so much be a lack of interest in sex but a lack of interest in sex with women.

The idea that a man "peaks" (whatever that is suppose to have reference to) at 25 or 30 and a woman at 35+ is nonsense. Some men peak at 50, some women at 21. It's highly variable and dependent upon a number of factors.

It's just about a year later into my original post and I came upon it again (just browsing about). I thought I'd post an update...

It's been over 4 months since I've last been intimate with my husband. Neither one of us has even mentioned it. I know this seems strange to so many of you, but I haven't felt any urge to have sex with my husband. So I haven't initiated sex. It's not that I don't want to have sex with him, but I suppose I've felt indifferent and so I haven't made any effort. It bothers me to the extent that I think we may feel closer if we were physically intimate. But I guess I've just accepted things the way they are - since I haven't felt sexually motivated lately either. (I do and am not opposed to satifisfying my own sexual urges). We remain close in other ways and he's continues to be my friend and a good father to our children. I continue to love him. Whether I'm "in love" with him or he with me is questionable. We are secure and comfortable with one another.

Perhaps just another stage in our life? I don't mean to be passive in my approach to this, but it's just the way I'm feeling right now :)

[QUOTE=LonelyMe;2078325]It's just about a year later into my original post and I came upon it again (just browsing about). I thought I'd post an update...

Oops, sorry, I meant two year's after my original post!

Losing intimacy in the marriage is not good.
Don't get comfortable with that.
You two need to talk about the lack of intimacy in your marriage

Losing intimacy in the marriage is not good.
Don't get comfortable with that.
You two need to talk about the lack of intimacy in your marriage

Yes, we've talked about this many many many times. Things improve for a short while (weeks maybe) and then go back to the way things are now. The thing is that maybe I AM getting comfortable with losing sexual intimacy in our marriage. It doesn't make me real happy about it, but then again, acceptance for who he is feels easier than mostly being disappointed in him. I don't have any answers (obviously :)

I can understand that.
If the lack is mutually accepting, that's OK but if it is bothersome to one of you, there is problem. Don't ignore it because it's easier. The problem is still there and will pop up again.
Have you guys spoken with a professional?

DOH!! I wish my wife has your drive.

I initiate it every night... I don't care... I just do it.