I need your help please,

I am 22 and I don't see my father due to him being an alcoholic and a lot of emotional abuse. When I was just 4 years old I saw him push my mum own the stairs when she was pregnant with my sister. He only ever hit me once and gave me a black eye!
My mum used to pick him up from the police station quite a lot. He used to have visiting rights when we were younger and I used to see him every other weekend. He used to turn up at my mums house drunk and start to argue with my mum and hit her in front of me and my sister. I used to try and protect both of them but I used to get made to feel I'm the bad one by him. But could never tell him how I felt due me being afraid of losing him. I loved him so much.

He used to say he was coming to pick me up and never turn up and would go missing for years and I would never hear from him! When I was in school he used to ring me up and tell me he was going to committ suicide by hanging himself he is very good at making out what he is doing my fault. He would tell me all the time that I was a crap daughter when he was drunk. I feel so guilty for him being the way he is. He has no family other than me and my sister, he was adopted when he was younger.

HE told me that my godfather committed suicide but he didn't. He would send me letters and bithday cards making me feel guilty because I never send him any. He used to turn up to my mums house drunk and come upstairs to my room and sit on my bed and wake me up and talk crap to me when I had school the next day.

Why is it that I can't tell him how I really feel? How much his hurt me? I have had years of councilling due to him but it effects my life, relationship with men and my job.
Last time I saw him was 3 years ago and he got drunk and told me to off in front of a restaurant. He can't admit his in the wrong yet I feel sorry for him, imy mum hates me seeing him or even talking to him. He used to emotionally blackmail me into seeing him.

He has just text me telling me he is ill and has a year to live I don't know what to do. He is a compulsive liar and I don't know if to believe him, but I don't want to not see him and feel guilty knowing he has no-one. What to I do?

He is very good at what he goes making me feel so bad, I put up with it for most of my life and don't know anything different. I used to me stuck in the middle of arguments with my parents and get physically pulled with my mum on one arm and my dad on the other. I am starting to have coucnilling again as I can't handle it anymore.

Please help me ease my mind

When you look at the situation rationally and logically, you KNOW you have nothing to feel guilty about. Your father was the adult. You were and still are, his child. He was supposed to be the parent, helping you and guiding you through life. He didn't live up to his responsibilities as a father. You know that and I know that and I don't even know you! You really need to think about the fact that your father has CHOSEN his path in life. He made that choice before you were born. Don't tell me that he "only ever hit me once". One time is one time too many and he gave you a black eye when you were only a very small child! How can a grown man excuse himself from hitting his 4 year old? How can you excuse this behavior from him? No child deserves that kind of abuse. You need to understand that your father's situation has absolutely nothing to do with you AND EVERYTHING to do with him. He chose to walk down the wrong path. He could have chosen to stick to the right one AT ANY TIME over the years. He DIDN'T. He CHOSE not to. You have given him every opportunity to act like a responsible father. He had disappointed you consistently throughout your life, verbally abusing you and only contacting you when it is convenient for him.

Once you can wrap your head around what I am saying above, now you need to ask yourself, why on earth should YOU be plagued with guilt? He should be the one to feel guilty over his treatment of you and your family. But, HE Doesn't! He is still manipulating you. Repeat that to yourself. HE IS STILL MANIPULATING YOU. You have your own life to live and you are not responsible for him. A parent is supposed to take care of his child. NOT the other way around. You were NEVER responsible for him. He is responsible for everything that has happened in the past and continues to happen TO him. You cannot help him. He needs to help himself.

I think continuing the counciling is a very good idea. You need someone who can help you let go of this guilt you are feeling. When you can recognize that this is his way of manipulating you and getting what he wants, and he really doesn't give a rat's bottom as to what you want or need, you will be free of this. You need to get angry about the way he has treated you and continues to treat you. He has only called you now because he wants something from you. At the moment, you are still allowing him to be an albatross around your neck. You need to work hard at freeing yourself of this man. YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY! You need to recognize that you are a good and caring person. You deserve to be treated with respect, which you father has not done. Why should you continue to place yourself in a position in which he doesn't appreciate it, belittles you, abuses you, and calls you when he needs something? You shouldn't.

I hope this helps you find the strength within yourself to break free from his hold over you.

Thank you very much for your advice, I try and tell myself that everyday but I still end up feeling guilty for what he's put me through. I have suffered with this since I was little and know no different. Im so scared I won't ever be able to get over it, that I won't ever be able to settle down and have a relationship due to me thinking men are just like my father. I try and saty strong for my family, but they don't know what's going on with him as my sister has no contact with him and nor does my mum, he always calls me!

Many thank

X

Honey, he calls YOU because he knows he can manipulate you and knows what buttons to push to make you feel guilty. He knows he won't be able to get anywhere with your mother or sister. Part of getting older and the maturing process is recognizing that there are some people in our lives that are poisonous to our mental health. It is hard but you need to cut him out of your life permanently. If you are living on your own, you should change your telephone number and get an unlisted number. If you move, don't let him know where you are. Think about the fact that every time you have contact with him, you end up feeling miserable. Why should you have to go through that anguish? You don't owe him anything! There really are a lot of good men out there that treat their partners with love and respect. You won't meet them in bars. The next time a shy nice guy starts to chat you up, be open to it. Create a good solid friendship with him. Love can grow from that and those are usually the most solid and strongest of relationships. The man you give your heart to should be your friend first.

I ma having councilling over this now! But my councillor wants me to write a final goodbye letter to him but not send it! Just like his dead tyoe thing! I think it's a really good idea but I don't know where to start! Has anyone had any experience of going this?

Any advice will be very much appreciated!

Charly, I am so glad that you have been going to councilling. Start it off by saying "Dear Dad" or whatever you call him. Put yourself in the frame of mind that you are actually writing a letter to him. I am sure your counselor explained to you that this is an exercise that allows you closure by putting all your thoughts and feelings about your father on paper, and allows you to release all the pain and heartache that you have built up inside of you. After "Dear Dad" talk about anything and everything, your earliest memory of him, the bad things he did, the hurt you felt, the loneliness, the anger, things he missed during your childhood that a proud father should never miss. Talk about the way he treated not only you, but your Mum and your sister. You actually did an excellent job of talking about your pain on your first post here on 27 Nov. Reread that, and use that as a guideline. Don't worry about it being perfect. You aren't being graded by a teacher. This is simply a release for you to get rid of all that pent up pain. You need to let go of him so that you are free to live your life without guilt. Once you get past the first one or two sentences, you will find that you won't be able to stop. Good luck! :)

Thank you for your help!! X

You are welcome honey! I know you are capable of moving past this tough issue and freeing yourself of the stranglehold that your father has on your emotions. I wish you the very best of luck. :)