I don't know why I did not thinkof asking for your thoughts on this one earlier - but I have been friends with a guy called Damien for 9yrs now. We met on holiday when I was only 13yrs and have stayed in touch for all these years since. Well we were up until my birthday in April this year.

I started spending a little more time with him in Feb/March. He lives about an 1hr 30mins away from me - so we started to commuting to eachothers houses more often and going out for drinks etc more often. I got to meet his friends and he met mine and it was lovely hanging out. We have always been right chatterboxes together. We used to spend 4 hours on the phone to each other once a week (taking it in turns to spread the cost over both our phone bills) and we have become very close over the years.

Now in April it was my 21st birthday and I had a huge party going on - he promised to be there and it was all arranged for him to stay over at mine and he was going to bring a couple of friends.

On the day of my birthday he did not show; he did not even contact me in any form. I was upset (but did not let in ruin my day).

I tried texting him to which I had no reply and I tired emailing him and calling - to which I had no reply so I just left it. 3 months later in July he finally got in touch. He text me asking me how I was, apologised about my birthday and said he would understand if I did not want to talk to him.

I forgave him and we arranged to meet the following weekend. He told me to text him nearer the time to arrange a time/place etc. So that weekend I text him and once he again no reply - I have not heard anything from him since.

I am very confused and I really miss him. I have emailed him twice - but nothing.

Any ideas what might be going through his head? Or why he has cut me out like this? I am just titally baffled and I don't understand what I did wrong?

you need to tell his^&&(%$%@^* that you isn't taking his &^&*%^ no more and what the heck is up. Just tell him you are concerned and don't understand what is going on. Write him a letter if you have to and tell him don't give you any of that &&*(()* its nothing %&***&^%. He better come with it straight or you'll be all up in his grill. Then if he lies again karate chop his &^*(^&*^%$%. Good luck and happy holidays.

HI,
First, it would be nice to read Crankiebabie's posts without have to filter through all the %%%%% stuff. Why not just use non-vulgar words, leave out these kind of things? You can get your point across by just using simple words, and would make it much more "believable" to read.
DJH, I think you are being ignored by this person. If he really, really loved you, there would not be treatment like this. As I have read in some of your other posted answers, I think you know the answer already, but just might want to "read it" in type. Love is a two way street, with respect, honesty, and caring for each other. (You have, in words, said the same thing).
You haven't done "anything wrong"... People change, find new interests, new loves. Maybe he has really found someone else, and doesn't want to hurt your feelings.
If you can, move on. Love hurts, and can be replaced eventually, with other loves. I know it's hard, cause I've "been there...done that" myself. Stop trying to contact him in any way. If he really loves you, he will contact you.
Meantime, be good to yourself, and keep hanging in there. You will eventually meet someone that both of you feel the same way; in love. He is out there; all you have to do is find him.

Well Damien is just a good friend - nothing more. I have a new boyfriend called Pete (and things are going really well by the way).

That's why I am confused. We are mates and have been for 9yrs - that's why I am not sure why he is ignoring me. I stopped trying to contact him a couple of months ago on the basis that if he wanted to talk to me he would have been in touch by now.

I am not letting it get me down - but I do miss his friendship and just don't understand.

Plus I agree about crankiebabie - is it really necessary to use fowl language?

Im sorry everyone if I am cursing. I am in a bad mood and its not nice of me to be rude to people because of it. I'm very sorry.

No worries - just try not to take your moods out on us. We are all here to help one another!

DJ 'H',

Long distance friendship. Does he know that you are going with somebody? Because even though you were such good friends maybe there was a lot more love there then you think? I know this might complicate your thinking but these are just my personal thoughts. Maybe he wanted more and new that it was not going to happen and just gave up? After 9 years of very close friendship it is very weird why he would act that way but it has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. It has to do with him being a chicken and not facing up to whatever is going on in his head. Just some thoughts. Please do not take his behaviour personally. You have tried to contact him and he has not made the effort of seeing you. I would try again and let him know how you feel hurt that he would act like that towards you after so many years of friendship. Maybe there is a lot unknown things that he is going through in his life that he feels he can not share with you right now. Try again, tell him you will always think of him as a friend but would like him to make an effort to keep intouch and then leave it alone. It is his turn.


Does any of this make sense to you or is it just babble?

Joe

I have always felt strongly about Damien - and wanted more with him. I told him how I felt once and he said I was very special to him but he could not offer me anything more than a friendship.

I said that being friends was absolutely cool with me. He is a good friend; some one I treasure dearly and would not want to lose at any cost.

Do you think perhaps that is the resason for his behaviour?

I don't think he does know I am going with someone else - unless he has read my friends reunited profile?

Maybe that's it what you said. Why don't you break up with your boyfriend and go out with him? Why can't he be more than friends? Why do people want to just be friends? :confused:

Well I really really like Pete - and we are going really well. It has only been a month but I am really happy with him.

Damien has had 9yrs to make a move. The minute I did he turned me down. I don't think I would leave Pete.

All I want is to understand Damiens behaviour and try and get my firendship back with him.

I can Totally understand that.

DJ 'H'

After 9 years and so much closeness maybe he did not know how to react to you telling him that you felt more than friendship. Maybe he is afraid of commitment or losing such a close relationship if it went further and did not work out. That is always the risk.

Maybe I should just accept that he does not want my firendship anymore and let go?

I see what you are saying Jesushelper76 - and you are probably right. I did make it clear to him that I was only asking because if I didn't I would never know.

I told him I did not expect anything from him and that if he wanted us to be just close friends then I was happy with that.

I would rather be his friend than nothing at all - and if he was into someone else then I really would be happy for him. Sounds daft but that's how special he is to me.

I am with someone else; I just hope he is happy for me.

Don't do that. You got to talk to the man again and get the truth out of him. Tell him you want his friend ship. If he don't get in touch with you then he lost a good friend.

What would you suggest is best - I send him a long letter - an email or a brief text message?

Id send him an email cause it will get to him faster and you can put more words into it. Will his email alert him that he has a message from you. Mine does and sometimes it doesn't.

If you could get intouch with him on the phone, live would be best because there would be less misunderstandings then on email or text.

That's a good idea too. Yes.

So lets say I call him and he does not answer - do I leave a voicemail? And what do I do after that? Then write him an email or letter?

Leave a voice mail. Wait a little while then if in order for you to clear up your feelings for him. Write a letter of how you feel and let him know what your thoughts are and send it. Finally after that it is his turn to respond, if he does not respond then try to let go.

Jesus is right. Tell jesus I said thanks for the cross thing.

Anyone got any advice for me?
Topic-theres this girl...

That's good - I will phone him and see what happens - I will leave a voicemail and then if no response write him a letter - still no response try to find closer to the friendship and let go.

The voicemail - do you think it should be long or brief? Should I say what I phone dhim to say or just ask him to phone me when he gets an opportunity?

My opinion the voicemail should be short. Let the letter if needed be longer. Why are you expecting voicemail? Try to relax, a little bit. Take it easy and take a deep breath you will be just fine.

Yeah do that. Sometimes I practice what I'm going to say to someone if I'm nervous and then I tell them what I wnt to say. Sometimes I stand on my head.

What specific reason(s) did he give for missing your birthday without any advance notice? My guess is that he's just a bit of a scatterbrain who doesn't have his act together ; nice guy, but not dependable if you get my drift. Just be mindful of that in your friendship with him. Whenever you make plans with him, be aware that they may end up being cancelled at the last minute without warning.

s_cianci - He did not give any reasons for missing my birthday. The text message he sent to me read: "Hey, I am probably the last person you want to speak to right now?! - sorry I missed your birthday - hows the new job going?"

Then he arranged to meet up with me; didn't and has not returned any of my calls, texts or emails since. I have not bothered to get in touch with him for months now - but I do miss him. He is a really good supportive friend usually.

Jesushelper76 - thank you for your support. I guess Iam nervous because I don't want my worst fears confirmed. I don't want to find out that he does not care about me anymore?

Crankiebabie - you are really sweet; cheers

So I phoned him and had no response. So I am going to write him a letter now. I am not posing much hope though.

I am going to keep the letter chatty; just update him on current events and ask how things are going with him?

Do you think I should include how upset I am that I have not had his friendship these last few months?

I am not posing much hope if I am honest with you - think I already know it's time to let go; but feel one more try is needed just so I can feel at ease that I did my best and it's him not me.

DJ 'H'

I personally feel with my own opinion that one more shot is worth it even if there is no response. By you making the effort to show him that you still care of his friendship. You writing the letter and sending him the letter will be a way for you to get all your thoughts and feelings on paper and it will help you in the healing process of letting go. Yes, tell him how your upset. You know what you did everything and tried everything to keep the friendship strong, but obvously he was not and that has nothing to do with you.

Joe

Thank you so much for your encouragment and support. I agree that one more try is worth it - because there is still a small percentage of hope that a letter might make him think and he may get in touch.

Being realistic I don't think he will but ateast as you say I will know I did everything I could to make he friendship work and I will know that it is him at fault and not me.

It's all about closure and letting go. I think this is the best way.

So thank you so much; you are a very wise and wonderful person and I cannot tell you how much I appreciate your help as well as all the others who helped me in this thread.

Thank you all - I feel so much better in myself.

I thought these emails may help. These are the emails he was sending before he went weird and dsiappeared. I have copied and pasted them them in Italic. Just thought you may be able to iterpret them perhaps!

Hi Holz Only me!!!

Nice to hear from you again, its been sooooo long I just don't know where the time has gone!!!
Just a quick not to let you know there are a few photos just been added to my profile, its been so long I expect you can't remember what I look like!! Will try to add some more soon but these are the only few I can find in which I don't look like a goon!!
Love Damien
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


Hi Holly,
Sorry about last night my phone broke and I can't get any phone numbers from it and havnt got your number written down so couldnt get hold of you Sorry!! I dont know how long it will be before I get a new one or fix the old one but heres my home number incase you need to call me. Can you also e-mail me your mob. numbers!!
Love me!!!!!!xx

Hello Love,
I can't apologise enough about saturday night, I was soooo looking foreward to seeing you but my bloody phone broke (I think my mate drowned it in beer earlier in the night and it finally gave up!!) I told you I would probably get a teeny weeny bit 'merry' so sorry if i didnt make much sense but i really did want you to come and see me. I felt sooo guilty that i drove to devises yesterday afternoon to see if i could find your house but i couldnt quite remember where it was and i didnt have your number to phone you!!!

Thankyou for the birthday invite, should be able to make it, just have to square it with work but should be no trouble. Have got a new phone today, just have to wait to register in when its charged, still got the same number though!!

Sorry again and will speak to you very soon.
Lots of Love ME!!xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxx

Everything after this was all through text messaging as he got his phone working. It just shows how close we were. Just thought you may understand a little better why this has been so hard for me.

DJ 'H'

Thank you for sharing that with me. Right away my impression of the way he wrote and what he was saying tells me that it sounds like his life can be pretty messed up at times, but no matter what is going on in somebodys life that is what friends are for! Lean on each other and rely on each other and just listen to each other. Even when his life is chaotic I know for sure that you would be such a wonderful loyal friend that stands by their friends and would do anything for them.

Joe

DJ 'H'

Thank you for sharing that with me. Right away my impression of the way he wrote and what he was saying tells me that it sounds like his life can be pretty messed up at times, but no matter what is going on in somebodys life that is what friends are for! Lean on each other and rely on each other and just listen to each other. Even when his life is chaotic I know for sure that you would be such a wonderful loyal friend that stands by their friends and would do anything for them.

Joe

I will always be there for my friends no matter what. Friends are the family you choose after all. I really would do anyhting for them; especially Damien.

DJ 'H'

Some friends do not return that in friendship. I know you are always their for your friends. That is what I was saying, but It is too bad that Damien would not open up to you. Did you send your letter to him yet? Hope everything works out.

Joe

I am trying to write the letter but having great difficulty. I keep starting new drafts then throwing them away. I really don't know how to put things down on paper so it makes sense - it all comes out in one big jumble. I am usually good at writing letters.

Any tips?

So I sent that letter, but I still have not heard anything from him. He has no excuses for not being in touch - he has my email address, my phone number and my postal address.

I posed hope because it was xmas - and thought he would at least acknowledge my letter in some way - I think I can honestly say he does not want to know!! My xmas really sucks.

I have lost a good friend, my family has broke up, my baby girl cat is still missing, my job has become really stressful - why do these things always happen all at the same time!! :confused:

I think Jesushelper nailed it on the head. It sounds like that this guy possibly has feelings for you and when you started dating your current boyfriend he decided to back off a bit. Maybe he was to sad or uncomfortable to be around you at the time. This does sound like the senario but it may not be the reason. Had you asked him why he missed such an important day like your birthday? If so did he give you a valid reason? Missing a day like a birthday of a close friend without having a good reason, is hurtful. From your post it sounds like the only reason he didn't show up was that he didn't feel like it. All in all I would definitely talk to him and ask him what's going on. If he's close friend and he values your friendship he needs to be honest with you. Hope you can work things out.

DJ H, unfortunately we all have to deal with friends who are less than forthcoming until we find some true friends. Believe me I have been in the same position you are in soooo many times. It hurts and it makes you less trusting of people. It sounds like your going through a rough period right now, but your not alone a lot of people do. Just remember you have friends here. That's what I love about this site. So many people are here to help. Keep your head up, better times are coming.:)

I have been trying to talk to him for the last 3 months. He won't return my calls, reply to texts, or emails and this letter was my last attempt. We have been friends for 9yrs and he will only know about my new boyfriend through the letter I sent on Friday.

He gave me no reason for not coming to my 21st just said "sorry I did not make it".

I just don't understand. He is so special to me and our friendship so special. We both met on holiday when I was only 13yrs and he was 15yrs. And being friends was easy - no hardship. Always used to meet up - go shopping, on nights out and even spend nights in watching 'Southpark' because we love it. We used to spend hours and hours on the phone and even got pleasure in phoning each other up when we were drunk only to laugh and be random for the whole duration of the conversation. I really miss him and I really don't understand.

I love him so much and I basically told him I had feelings for him, but if he only wanted a friendship that was fine - I just needed to ask because if I didn't I never would have known. He replied "You are very special to me, but I am not ready for a relationship right now and things in my life are changing and I may be moving to away". Weeks later I find he has got a job in a town 20minutes from where I live and he only lives 45minuts away. I work for a company which happens to be 10minutes away from his house.

I am really happy with my new boyfriend Pete - but really want my closest friend back. I can't help but feel that if only I had kept my big mouth shut then none of this would have happened and I would still have him in my life.

Ignore me - I am just a bit down at the moment!! I will pull myself back together - I always do!!

This situation really stinks and I can understand your feelings. But if this guy was a truly good friend to you he should at least tell you why he's been avoiding you. It isn'tright to do that to someone who you call a friend. If there wasn't a logical reason to avoid you i.e, you had an argument or if you can't think of anything that you said or did that would have led him to this, then I can't see why it would be your fault. Like I said I went through the same thing. I'v had a friend that one day started avoiding me or wouldn't return my calls, nothing. And I was extremely hurt and went through a lot of stress and to this day I have no idea what I did to her. I practically begged her to tell me but she wouldn't respond to my calls or letters, so eventually gave up. I wouldn't of called her my"best" friend but she was a good friend for the most part and it still hurt when she did that too me. There isn't a whole lot you can do, the ball is in his court, he needs to do the right thing and tell you what's going on otherwise I would try to just move on. A friendship works both ways not one way.

I can't help but think the friendship maybe went down two separate allyways and that is where the problem is. We both felt more for each other - he wanted to go down the path of a fling and I wanted to go down the path of a relationship. That's probably where the complication lies. But I did make it clear that if this was not an option for us then staying good friends was more important to me than not having him in my life at all.

He did say to me once "all the girls I have been in relationships with have been my close friends" each relationship broke up and he lost their friendship with it. I can understand it if he did not want to go down that road because we are/were so close and he did not want to lose that but to just cut me off anyway - it's all very strange to me. Being as we had been spending a lot of time together after not seen each other for a year. He initiated everything.

Maybe he is just a player and wanted to get in my knickers and then move on. The fact is I stayed at his house but nothing happened. I would not allow anything to happen when the intentions of a man are so bleak. I have learnt that from past mistakes and did not want to get caught in something like that. So this situation could have been a whole lot worse - it's just lucky I listened to the voices in my head saying 'No don't do it' .

It's all so confusing. I think I just need to let go, put it down to experience and lay it to rest in the past. (it's hard to do though)

Well that does make more sense. It sounds like he wanted to have more of a "friends with benefits" situation than an actual relationship. That puts things more in perspective. If the reason that he is throwing a friendship away because he can't sleep with you than I think your better off staying away. Maybe the reason he initiated everything was maybe there was a hope that you two would "hook up" and when it didn't happen he decided to stay away. It sounds like this guy really doesn't want to be in any kind of relationship unless he's getting physical action. But I commend you for sticking by your feelings and not giving into it. That is unfortunate that he won't remain friends do to that factor, obviously we don't know that for sure but that sounds like the most logical explanation. I definitely think you should move on and go on with your life with your boyfriend. It'll probably take sometime to get over the hurt this friend caused but I think you'll be better off in the long run.

We don't know anything for definite - that's the frustrating part - but that's what we have to do when we don't know - apply logic and come to the conclusion for ourselves - it's the only way we lay our minds to rest on that subject and move on.

You can guarantee - I will put all of this behind me - go on very happy and one day out of the blue he will get in touch or our paths will cross. I guess no point worrying about it until if & when it happens.

Thank you for your help & support today :o

I think your doing the right thing. Sometimes you got to count your losses and move on. Hopefully one day he will grow up a bit and then you guys can pick up where you left off. Your welcome for the help, anytime!:)

You would think with him turning 24yrs old on January 8 - he would be mature and grown up enough to acknowledge me and give me a reason for his behaviour.

I guess he is miles behind the rest of us and I am approaching 22yrs lol

And once again thank you - it's always good to know I have someone there to listen!!

Most men no matter how old they are seem to be at least 5 years behind in immaturity from woman. His age and what he's doing in many ways doesn't surprise me. Im very happy that I was some help to you. I hope talking about it a little gave you some encouragement.:)

Most men no matter how old they are seem to be at least 5 years behind in immaturity from woman. His age and what he's doing in many ways doesn't surprize me. Im very happy that I was some help to you. I hope talking about it a little gave you some encouragement.:)

It has helped just to get it off my chest. I have so much going on at the moment that it is all becoming very stressful.

Offloading one thing has helped imensly. You and jesushelper have been absolute stars. I know jesushelper has gone on a long journey to surprise his family for xmas - but he was a tremendous help to me - and you have been a fantastic listener offering great advice - most of which I knew deep down - but when it comes to taking advice yourself - you have to hear from someone else before you actually believe it yourself (if that makes any sense) lol

I completely agree. The way I start to feel better about something is to talk about it. That's how I deal with stress, so I really enjoy talking with others when they are dealing with a lot. You know I also find that talking to complete strangers is sometimes easier than talking to family and friends. You don't get unbiased opinons and such. With me the only person I can talk to about anything major is my best friend, my husband is hard to talk to my mom is to stressed as it is to deal with my problems, so being here talking to you and others I feel is very helpful. If you ever need any help or need to blow steam off, I got you back.:)

I completely agree. The way I start to feel better about something is to talk about it. Thats how I deal with stress, so I really enjoy talking with others when they are dealing with a lot. You know I also find that talking to complete strangers is sometimes easier than talking to family and friends. You don't get unbiased opinons and such. With me the only person I can talk to about anything major is my best friend, my husband is hard to talk to my mom is to stressed as it is to deal with my problems, so being here talking to you and others I feel is very helpful. If you ever need any help or need to blow steam off, I got ya back.:)

That's a real comfort. I hope that I can do the same for you!!

Thank you! That really does mean a lot!:D

Anytime. It's weird but I feel quite connected to you. We seem very similar and seem to have lots in common. Our personalities are on par. I can see us becoming very good friends. :)

Oh most definitely! I feel the same way. I actually joined this forum way back in August and I worked myself all the way up to I think full expert and then My computer caught a virus. I just got a new one so now Im back. But it really stunk, cause I met some really great people here and then I was gone like that. I really did miss everyone. I think we definitely have a connection and that's great to know.Im looking forward to meeting new people what better way than through a site that's here to help people. At least you know your not dealing with nasty mean disrespectful people. You can private message me to anytime you want.:D

Totally agree!

Feel free to message me anytime also!! I am well chuffed now :)

Awsome, me too!

Thank you so much for cheering me up bizygurl - you are a star.

He still has not got in touch! I had a CD on full Blast in my car on my way back from work yesterday and this song came on - 'Savage Garden - Truly Madley Deeply' - it's one of my Favourite songs and it was Mine & Damiens song. I had flashbacks going on in my mind of fond memories of the when we met and the things we have done together since. It was like my mind was marking the end of an era. It bought tears to my eyes.

It could be that his Gareth Gates fell through and driving that far to go to a party where he only knew one bird was a little to far out of his comfort zone, so he skipped it.

At that point, he probably felt like a real plonker for blowing off your Todd Carty after he had promised to come and you had gone out of your way to ensure he had a place to sooty and sweep and all that.

I say give it a bit more Harry Lime, but eventually be the bigger person and reach out to him. Just say you hadn't heard from him in a while and wanted to say hi and see what he was up to and if anything was new - spanish waiter, don't be a Queens Park Ranger, etc. Don't mention the party.

If he thinks you're not dwelling on it, then he may also act like it never happened and never acknowledge it again. Then you can both put it behind you.



NOTE: Portions of this post were written with the assitance of Cockney Rhyming Slang Dictionary (http://www.cockneyrhymingslang.co.uk/)

It could be that his Gareth Gates fell through and driving that far to go to a party where he only knew one bird was a little to far out of his comfort zone, so he skipped it.

At that point, he probably felt like a real plonker for blowing off your Todd Carty after he had promised to come and you had gone out of your way to ensure he had a place to sooty and sweep and all that.

I say give it a bit more Harry Lime, but eventually be the bigger person and reach out to him. Just say you hadn't heard from him in a while and wanted to say hi and see what he was up to and if anything was new - spanish waiter, don't be a Queens Park Ranger, etc. Don't mention the party.

If he thinks you're not dwelling on it, then he may also act like it never happened and never acknowledge it again. Then you can both put it behind you.



NOTE: Portions of this post were written with the assitance of Cockney Rhyming Slang Dictionary (http://www.cockneyrhymingslang.co.uk/)

Well he knew my mate Kirsty (as she and I both met him together whilst on holiday when we were 13yrs) - he had also already met a few of my friends and he knew the majority of my close family members. I also gave him the option to bring a few friends, so I don't think that's it.

I wrote him a letter before xmas and sent it, but he did not respond. I kept it light hearted and friendly and just left it open, so that he knows I am here no matter what, so that if and when he decides to get in touch, I will still be here and I am still his friend no matter what he does. I am not prepared to throw away a great 9yr friendship for nothing.

I have now accepted that his life des not involve me at the moment, but I do know that our paths in life will cross over at some point and I will see him again. I don't believe it's the be all and end all for good, just for now.