My 14 year old daughter wants me to take a poll. She feel's like she should be allowed to hang out with a boy she likes. Go to his house watch a movie With his parents at home, or go to the movies, ball games, Mcdonalds etc... :eek:
She has always been pretty responsible and has never gotten into trouble and makes decent grades Not honor roll!
This is her Daughter and I think I should be allowed I am a good student and I am very responsible person. I don't let people take advantage of me in anyway.. I don't think it would hurt for her to cut me a little slack I mean I am a freshman in high school.
And I wouldn't let it get serious.



What do you think?:confused:

I think a 14 year old girl should be allowed to hang out with a boy in groups (not just a group of other "couples", but not one on one with a boy really. 14 is a little young to start dating, shoot for 16 more, you'll be surprised what just 2 years will do for your maturity level and that of the boys your age. I know it's not what you want to hear, but you will be glad later.

Have you met his parents? This would be my first step.

Only at ball games and they do seem like nice people. Their not dating, just talking. We do not allow her to have boyfriends but she is asking to date. DaD says nooooo but he is super strict.

My parents let me visit a boy friend at the time at his house when I was about 15, but his parents who my parents knew had to be present there. But really, I still feel that even though I didn't really go out one on one with a boy until I was 16 and I still feel like I wasn't ready for it. I know it seems harsh, but I am not very much older than your daughter, but even as a young adult I look back and wish I'd waited longer to get involved with boys, they distracted me from school, not badly, but also took up a lot of time, wasted because I could've been studying or with my girl friends or doing things besides wasting my precious child hood with some jerk boy trying to be grown up..

And I'm not speaking from a sexual position at all, but just a general, wasting your time, dating at too young an age position, it's just not really worth it and you're not mature enough for a real relationship anyways/

Lol, cahrolotte she is so not grown acting... this child still plays in the mud and doesn't care who sees her. She is also very confident.
She says she has a dad that she knows loves her and she doesn't need a boy to tell her she is pretty and to give her confidence.
She just thinks he is sweet, nice and enjoys his company.
But I see your point, boys do take time away from other things you could be doing to better yourself and get ready for your future and career. I was taught that marriage was the beginning and end and I don't want that for her.

I know where you are coming from Bushg. My daughter is 14 and she has had "boyfriends." She broke up with them within the week though. LOL

Her friend though (13) has a boyfriend and the parents are always around. Parents take them to movies and stay with them, parents take them out to dinner, etc.

I personally think 14 is too young to "date" but group outings should be okay with a chaperone. Yeah, I'm old fashioned. Blush blush

I agree with J-9 here about the group outings and chaperone thing.

I never dated boys to feel better about myself, I am a fairly thin, relatively pretty girl, (Not trying to be rude, but honestly I'm not like, ugly and or insecure or anything awful for my self-esteem) my family life wasn't perfect but I always knew I was a decent person and tried to do the right thing, didn't try to seek others's approval really, but I'm just saying that at her age, a boy who is a friend is better than a boyfriend, know what I mean?

Yeah j9, she has liked them for maybe a month and then thye get on her nerves. But this little boy she has liked for awhile. Maybe I will allow a group outting. We did let her go to a dance with a boy. But they went in separate cars. Sigh... I'm stressed

Ah, it's a good time of the year to go shopping. Take them both Christmas shopping, he can shop for his parents, she can shop for her Dad. You will be with them all the time, and it's not like a date.

Why don't you take the kids to a movie or to some other fun kind of outing, you don't have to cling to their sides, but you can be around in case anything gets to where you're uncomfortable.

Char, I know what you mean. I keep telling her not to ruin a good friendship. Also you never truly know what someone's intentions are. Btw I did not have a very good childhood at all... so I am really over protective.

It's okay to be over protective to a point, but when she is maybe a couple years older, start giving her more privileges if she continues to be mature. It's okay for her to like boys, it's normal, and it's okay for her to be close friends with a boy, but she's still young enough that she needs supervision most of the time.

Yep she sure likes the mall... she is sitting right here.. she says he likes the mall as well. Maybe on my day off. Surely dad will go for that. Thanks for giving suggestions. We'll see wha dad thinks.

Good idea, a trip to the mall, you can even just set up places to meet up every half an hour or so, if you don't want to be too clingy.

I hope your daughter understands that we want her to be able to express her feelings and it's okay she likes boys and we want her to have fun, just that she's young still and she needs to have parental guidance for a little longer.

Char, goo idea on setting up meeting time... lol I would have been frantically searching for them. Lol I really would have I am so forgetfull.

I'll be 20 in a month and I when I look back I wish my mom wouldn't have let me date at 14. Towards the end of my freshman year I started dating a boy and dated him 3 years.. I was so shoved up his butt that it almost ruined my whole high school experience. Finally my senior year we broke up and it was good to have the freedom.
Speaking from the mindset of someone who just graduated high school year before last, I wouldn't let your daughter actually have a boyfriend until she's about 16. There is just so many better things about high school then having a boyfriend.. like hanging out with girl friends.. making good grades.. preparing and thinking about college and what to do with your life..
Maybe your daughter will read this, maybe not. If she does I want her to know that she may not plan on it getting "serious" but when your young, its easy to fall in love and for things to get serious.. I really regret being in a relationship in high school. High school should be about hanging out with everyone and having a good time without being tied down.. you have college and beyond that to be tied down to a guy..
Have fun with your friends, study hard, and enjoy high school while it lasts because college is A LOT harder.
I hope I helped somehow..
Let us all know how it works out.

i was soo shoved up his butt that it almost ruined my whole high school experience.

This is why we are advocating parental inclusion. The parents should be included in EVERYTHING they do.

This is why we are advocating parental inclusion. The parents should be included in EVERYTHING they do.
My mom was involved and his parents were extremely involved.. but that doesn't matter. Whether his parents are there or her parents are there, they still may be spending a lot of time together.
Gradually she'll start spending more and more time with him.. and less and less time with friends/family/school work.. it could get to the point where they are inseparable. Some parents give in after a while of chaperoning and let the two have their freedom.. that's where it gets worse..

But I do agree with you J_9 that the parents should be involved in everything they do if she chooses to let her daughter date.

I beg to differ. As a very protective mother, and a mother, not a friend myself, I see no reason teaching the children the proper etiquette of dating at this age.

They will spend more time together only if ALLOWED. Remember who is the parent here. Limits must be set. Parents must keep the limits in check.

Yeah, some parents may give in, but are they really being PARENTS? I've "known" Bushg for a while now and I don't have a problem giving her this advice.

Ok here's my opinion.

I am 23, just came out of a year plus long relationship a couple of months ago. I started dating my first "real" boyfriend literally two days after I turned 14. My parents never told me I had to be a certain age before I started dating but later told me that if I had found someone before that they probably would have told me to wait. I say "real" because when I was 10 my best friend INSISTED that he was my boyfriend though he never asked me out lol.

The point is, 14 is a good age to start dating. Forget the "chaperoned outings" group or no, because let's be honest, what 14 year old will want to be seen with someone of the opposite sex and a parent hanging in the background. Teens aren't going to see it as "oh look his/her mom/dad cares" but more as "oh he/she has his/her mommy/daddy there, what a loser". Especially with group outings, parents dropping kids off is one thing (who else is going to drive if they're 14?) but then it's time to leave the kids alone to hang out with their friends.

I completely agree with parents being home if the date is at the house, even just one parent is enough, but not hovering. I had a couple of parties (no alcohol or anything like that just a bunch of people hanging out) and even though they were birthday parties actually, my parents stayed out of the room except for when it was time to open gifts (then again those were for my 18th and 19th birthdays so not as relevant).

I know I'm getting long-winded but I want to mention one more thing. There was a thread a while back on here where a kid had just turned 16 and had met a girl through the scouts but his mother, get this one, didn't want him SOCIALIZING with girls until he was 18 preferably 21.

So I say to the mom asking, let your daughter have a date. I say to the daughter, if she tells you to wait then you're stuck waiting and if the guy likes you enough he'll wait as well, but remember starting at 15 or 16 isn't so bad since there are parents out there that would make you wait until you're 18.

It doesn't matter what a 14 year old wants to go out and do, they are not the parent, they don't know what is best for them, the parent has to watch their children, especially in a dating situation.

Blondie,

Chaperoning does not necessarily mean that the parents are hovering over them every second, but can drop them off at the mall and set up meeting times... Taking them to the movies and the kids see one movie and the parent(s) see another at the same time etc.

They will spend more time together only if ALLOWED. Remember who is the parent here. Limits must be set. Parents must keep the limits in check.
j9 I agree totally with this statement. My husband and I talked and she can go to dances, ball games,to the mall or to a movie with him with the proper chaperones. She knows it will be an occasional date. We really had to spell it out, so that she totally understands how much time she can spend with this boy. We are not going to let it get out of hand. She also has 2 brothers in the same school. They are super protective. I really think she will be OK. She'll probably only like him for a month at the most anyway.

Just piling on here.

Know the parents. Be involved. Start to plan how you will allow dating... even if its not now, its sooner than you think, so better to think about what you want it to look like.

Our daughter, now 21, began going out with groups around 14-ish. Very public places (mall, movie, etc) and commonly with a parent around. No hanging around in a basement at some kids house unless you really, really knew the parents and you knew theyd be as present as you would be in your house. In our house the only movies that could be group watched were in public rooms. No bedrooms.

By hs it gets harder... you have a dance that freshman can attend? Well, that's starting to push the dating buttons... not that you have to date the person you go with... but it does start those wheels turning. Our daughter had her first serious boyfriend her freshman year. It was manageble. Just takes work on the parents side.

Two people hanging out together is fine, if the girl is sensible like you say she is then shel not do anything silly

I'm sure she is a sensible girl, the two of them mite even become good friends

You should be allowed to hang out with boys, my best friend is 14 and she has a boyfriend.

I've found that letting young girls be with boys 1 on 1 or in private situations too early only leads to bad things, they need to be supervised or in a public situation, even the most sensible girl can lose her head when she likes a boy and make bad decisions.

I'm just saying, she can have fun, you don't have to watch her every second, but she should not be left to her own devices totally where she could make mistakes, she is still young and will benefit from a little guidance.

you are strict even if you dont mean to be your daughter needs to be trusted if you dont trust her how is she going to trust you??????????????


If she doesn't PARENT, though, how is her daughter going to learn the right way to do things?

She's not that strict. I think the suggestions here are sensible, and a LOT more than what I was allowed at 14.

you are strict even if you dont mean to be your daughter needs to be trusted if you dont trust her how is she going to trust you??????????????

You are absolutely entitled to your opinion.

Its not that simple, but you don't sound like a parent. Yes, you want to trust your kids... and you also need them to understand the rules and limits. If you don't think there are rules and limits to your freedoms, or at least consequences to your actions when older, you are naïve. As a parent, one of your responsibilities is to balance granting freedoms and the opportunity to make good and bad choices alongside reasonable risk managament. Over time, you loosen the ties more and more. You don't just cut them altogether on some Tuesday at 2PM when a child turns 13.

My daughter was given more freedoms at 14, then 15, then 16, etc... I do agree, as I stated earlier, that its probably "time" to start to let some of these things happen... but as I mentioned, it was always with parents around... none of this completely unsupervised, go wherever you want stuff.

We had a pretty healthy relationship with our daughter. That doesn't mean she didn't try to sneak out... that doesn't mean she always rewarded our trust with acceptable behavior... it doesn't mean she didn't get caught drinking in HS or not being where she promised shed be... trust is given, but tied to a history of making good choices... and its not just black and white as saying if you don't trust them they'll not trust you...

I could give my daugter $1000, the keys to the car, and say "have a nice summer vacation" and shed be fine, making good decisions on her own. Think I shouldve done that when she was 16? Nope.

Likewise, I knew kids who were making dangerous sexual decisions at 14... like it or not, a parent has to balance risk and freedoms. If being a little more present in her life and in her business more than she wanted made her feel like she wasn't trusted, well, in the long run she seems to have come through OK.

When it comes to dating hormones and emotions run mad. You don't, as a parent, say "ok kids... take the house over, close the bedroom door, we are going out for the night. buh-bye!"

Most younger people are probably going to push for more freedoms and say the adults are being too strict... and of course most parents here are going to say "tough... you dont know what you dont know"... might be hard to believe but parents "get" the position kids are in more than they think. We have been there. We have had the social pressure. We've survived the noise and we know a lot more about it than you'll expect.

But again, you can feel that we are being too tough. My daughter knew friends in HS who had no curfew at all. They could stagger into the house at whatever hour they wanted as long as they had some excuse for where they could be reached, even if they were not there.

My daughter lost 11 friends or people she at least knew during HS... as in they died. Died from racing/accidents. One from drinking. Another from a gunshot. Guess what? They all didn't come from "bad" families. But some clearly were given more freedom than they should have been.

As a parent, you cannot go back and "fix it" after an event like that. So I can live with being more strict than some. My child is alive, not pregnant, in college, and somehow she still managed to grow into a trusting, loving, happy woman.

I trust my daughter but I realize she is only 14. She trust me as well,we have a pretty good relationship.
She did go to the movies with this boy and some friends and she made him candy for his birthday... but that has been pretty much it. I asked her about him yesterday and she said she was to busy with activities and school work and her family and friends to have a serious boyfriend. But they still talk some. I think she has a pretty good head on her shoulders,, I'm sure in the future she will like another boy, but I did not think this would take long to tire of and I was right. Too Young!

know what's funny... my daughter, both in her freshman year of HS and college did the big social scene push... in HS it was constantly trying to go here or there and be active socially... in college obviously she pretty much set her own limits, but it again was that big social push. That completely on your own for the first time thing.

and in both HS and college she completely changed direction her soph year. She didn't date at all, by her own choice, cause she found other things to do... almost like been there, done that.

its why I did think in your case it was maybe time to give some freedoms with reasonable restrictions... cause after the initial exposure it isn't always as big a deal anymore. But we both know the job isn't done yet. =)

Oh, tell me about it. I had a son turn 18 llast week and my middle child/son is 16, talk about the middle child syndrome... he is driving me nuts!!

People now days have grown up so fast. I wasn't allowed to date anyone until Iwas sixteen years old. Girls are much more mature now then they were years ago. It wouldn't hurt her to hang out with boys but at the same time she shouldn't depend on them for anything. It's a life changing thing when kids start going "out". It's a learning experience and personally I think the more you allow your children to do the more they will learn out of life. They might get hurt in the end but they will learn from it and use that experience further more in the future. That's my opinion and I hope it helps you. Best of luck with the situation.

I think 14 is too young to date but I see nothing wrong with them hanging out when there is parents present (in the same room).

My mom Refused to let me go on actual dates, but she let my boyfriend walk me to and home from ball games, and home from school, she let me go hang out with him at pizza americana, and then with a different boyfriend she let me go to his house and hang out with him and his parents... its all a matter of personal choice, but letting her do small stuff like that keeps her from wanting to rebel, it also gives her an idea of what dating is like without actually letting her date. If she's responsible then she'll make the right choices. You have to trust that you taught her well enough to know right from wrong.

It's true, you have to giveyour kids a little room to breathe and not smother them, that could make them behave worse, but don't just let them go, they are, after all, kids.

You should watch your kids carefully and see whether they need to be watched or really watched if they're bad kids really watching them won't cause rebels but good kids will rebel if overly watched

My 14 year old daughter wants me to take a poll. She feel's like she should be allowed to hang out with a boy she likes. Go to his house watch a movie With his parents at home, or go to the movies, ball games, Mcdonalds etc...:eek:
She has always been pretty responsible and has never gotten into trouble and makes decent grades Not honor roll!
This is her Daughter and I think I should be allowed I am a good student and I am very responsible person. I dont let people take advantage of me in anyway.. I dont think it would hurt for her to cut me a little slack I mean I am a freshman in high school.
And I wouldn't let it get serious.



What do you think?:confused:
I think she should be allowed to hang out with him. If you trust her and know she won't get into trouble, she should be just fine. Maybe you should start by having him come over to your guys house first and get to know the guy before you have them hang out some where else? Then you can trust her more? I don't know

You daughter is a responsible good kid, but how about the boys?
They are less mature than your daughter @ age of 14.