Hi I am new here.

I have a nineteen year old son. Just over a year ago his father and I broke up. I left him.

My son and I were still seeing each other and talking but he was very angry and treated me badly most of the time but I kept trying .

His dad and I both live with other people. My son lives with his dad and girlfriend two hours away from me.

Since my son has moved so far away I can only contact him by email. I had emailed his dad to ask him to tell our son that I was hoping to hear from him as I hadn't lately.

WEll I got back an angry terrible letter from my son and have not heard from him since.He was so upset that I would just ask his dad to give him a message. I don't understand it.

I have tried everything to have a relationship with him. I have begged him to forgive me and please see me but he just ignores my emails.

I used to be so close with him and its hurting me so bad. I don't know honestly don't know how I can live without him in my life. I feel that a part of me has died inside.

I don't know what to say to make him love me again. I would rather have him talk to me like dirt than not talk to me at all.

What can I say to him? What can I do?

Elfy



I

Hi,
I am 63 yrs old, married 28 yrs, and have 2 sons and a daughter. This is my second marriage. (2 sons by the first)
Your 19 yr old son still loves you; you are his Mom.
Divorce is hard on everyone, but particularly hard on kids to understand, sometimes, why.
He still loves you, but just can't get it through his mind yet what to do about the divorce and the fact that you and his Dad aren't living together anymore.
Keep trying to call him on the phone, or send him an email sometimes.
Send him a card once in a while.
Let him know you are there for him. Eventually, he will start talking with you again. It will take some time; maybe even a year; it's hard to say.
Meantime, please talk with others, and keep meeting new people. It will help to possibly get him off your mind for a little while, anyway.
I do sincerely wish you the best, and hang in there.

Hi fredg

Thank you for your reply . I will do as you have advised and keep in touch with my son and keep trying.I hope and pray you are right that he will eventually get in touch with me. I thank you also for telling me he still loves me too. I need to hear that.

Elfy

Even though he is very angry now rest assured your son still loves you.He just needs a little time to catch up with his situation. I don't know what kind of relationship you and your ex have but he could be a major influence in resolving a lot of feelings your son has.In the mean time you need to talk to someone to get you through this obviously stressfull time.A friend maybe or a trusted person. Be patient and things will work out ,but remember let him deal with his anger but you are the mother, not the doormat for his bad feelings. ;) ;) ;)

Hi Talaniman

My ex and I do not have a good relationship at all. My son has told me many times how much his father hates me. His girlfriend apparently hates me to and I am not sure why really as I have never spoke to her.

They wouldn't give me their new address although I know it as my lawyer gave it to me.But don't go there.I do not have a phone number just my sons email address.

When I did go to see my son before he always seemed agitated when he would first get into the car. I always told my son I wanted his dad and I to just get along for his sake but if I even asked him how his dad was doing he would get angry with me.

I think that they make it uncomfortable for him to have a relationship with me at all.

Thank you for you help . I am trying to cope and take the good advice and help I have received here. I have spent many a day crying and know that I can't go on like I have been. I live in the country and not a lot around but time to think too much. Thankgoodness for internet and that I found this site.

Maybe the child, or son is not even getting the messages? That would have gone threw my mind if that was happening.

2 hours away. Well that is the problem. Why do you not see him more often. What happened with your relationship.

You can not force somebody to talk to you but first of all you need to make sure he is actually getting your messages. It sounds to me that your ex husband is turning your son against you as well. Or like my original thought is that your son is not even getting any of your messages. Ex husbands especially have a habit of hiding away or talking bad and even turning children against their other parent. For me personally I was raised by my mom, she never turned me against my father but at the end of it all I realised what kind of person he was on my own.

Joe

When my ex left me, it was not a pretty break up. She left and I was raising 2 teen boys on my own. ( did not have a girl friend at the time, but got one latter)

It was several years before the boys talked with the mother, and the relationship grew slowly.

All relationships differ but normally many take time to first come to grip with the new situation,

He will surely still love you, but he most likely feels hurt and somewhat cheated out of his normal "home"

Hi Jesushelper76

I was the one to leave in the first place. My son still living at home was not happy about it but we were on speaking terms at least but he was always appearing angry with me and speaking to me extremely nasty.

My ex moved in with his girlfriend over two hours away.

My son went with them as he was already at home and not working at a full time job or anything. He didn't want to live with me as I am living in the country and nothing around.

Since he moved I have seen him once. He was still not very friendly but we managed to have a visit.His father and I had some bad words between us and since that time my son was angry with me sending me a rotton email and now he won't reply to my emails.

Yes I am sure his dad does not speak well of me but he is nineteen and I am hoping in time he will come around.


I was a good mother to my son all is life and we did have a good relationship.

Thank you for your reply

Elfy

I understand that you left and maybe your son is angry with you over that. There are reasons for that to happen. Having words back and forth with your ex in front of your child is not a good thing because that just increases the tension. I would say that your husband and husbands girlfriend has a lot of influence which does not sound that good at all. I pray that you will find the strength to keep showing your love to your son and showing support and trying to keep intouch with your son without the involvement of your husband. Do not rely on your husband to relay messages for your son. Have you ever tried to get together with your son, just the two of you. My advice if you are able to have that apportunity is that you do not say anything bad about his father and be supportive and understanding no matter how he acts. Be the better person and always act in love not in anger. I do hope he comes around but the longer time you are apart the harder it might be.

Hi Fr_Chuck

Thanks

I am glad for your sons sake and your wife's sake that they are speaking again. I can only imagine what their mother went through for that time she didn't see them.

I know that they must have been hurt and angry and it must have been hard on them as it is for my son.

The thought of not maybe seeing him for several years is hard to face up to.

I miss my son terriblly especially with Christmas coming on.I have to fight depression all the time.

I hope you are right that he surely still does love me anyway..

Jesushelper76

I would love to have time with my son. I have been emailing him on his address asking him to see me but he won't reply.It is his own private email address . He has told me that before. I had sent him a card and he picked it up.

When I had words with his father it was not in front of him but on email but I am thinking that my ex has shown him the emails.

I had only emailed his dad in the first place to ask him to let my son know I had replied to one of his letters to me about us making a plan to get together..

My son didn't like that and sent me a verbally nasty one upset that I had emailed his dad. I sent his dad another email saying that I felt he was trying to come between us.. AT this point I was extremely upset and heartbroken about what my son had said to me.

I need your prayers and thank you for that and that of others. I feel though that you are very negative saying that the longer it takes the harder it will be.

I have been told in God's time not ours so I have to try and stay positive and need positive feedback and advice.

Elfy

I was not being negative at all. All I stated was that the longer the issue is there, the farther the distance and the less time you spend together the more influence your ex has on your son, it might take a lot more time and effort to get through to your son. There is nothing negative about that, its just the facts.

As far as prayers, prayers are with your whole family. I already prayed for you and your son and all who are involved. Love is the most important thing. Even loving your ex, even though there are hostilities that are there. They need to be worked out before any changes will happen with the relationship with your son.

Jesushelper

I know it doesn't sound negative to you and I know you mean well. . I am on very shaky ground emotionally and I guess at this point am not ready to hear the "facts" as you put it.

I guess what I am saying is that when I read that because of the distance and the less time I spend with my son and the influence my my ex has on him will take even more time does not help me. I have thought these things myself many times and it only upsets me more to think along those lines.

I do agree with you that I should not harbour bad thoughts about his dad and have prayed for him.

I always told my son that I wished so much that his dad and I could have a good relationship . I have told his dad that as well.

I thank you for your prayers and your trying to help me. I do appreciate it very much and know that you mean well . I may be just overly sensitive at this point.

That is okay. I know you are sensitive. I myself am a overly sensitive person as well and have been through many tough times with my own family and also with my wife's family. Many hostilities, many problems and very nasty situations and there are lots of things that both my wife and I needed to do to face those situations. What you are telling me is that you do not like the thought of the less time you spend with your son the longer it will take for the problem to resolve. Instead of getting upset about, and I know it maybe easy on my end to say this but I do not want you to give up no matter how hard the situation seems but I want you to continue being strong and do your best to keep intouch with your son and to try to resolve the problems on hand. Even if that means Godly counsil, or other counselling. For you and your son. Or just yourself to help you through these emotional situations. May God help you through these times and I will continue praying for you. Have trust in God that he will mend everybodys hearts that are involved.

Joe

Elfy write him a note telling him your sorry for whatever it is that you did, and write the things that you would and wouldn't change. Then go on and tell him that your sorry he can't accept you and you wish he would talk to you again. I hope that this helps

Kittens+Kitten=Kitty



~~Katrina~~

Hi Katrina

Thank you you have helped just by caring enough to write like the others here have done. . I have told my son how sorry I am and have asked him to forgive me. I didn't think to tell him the things I would or wouldn't change though so I will try that too.

You are right to about asking him to accept me as I am.

I am willing to try anything.

Hi Joe

I agree that I need council and as I am not coping well at all. I get into very bad depressions and it is not good for me. I am new around here and don't have a church but I think I should find one as close to me as I can.

I just have to get through Christmas.That is very hard for me right now.

The person I am with tries to help me but he can only do so much. I got on here so I wouldn't keep burdening him with all of it and it has helped . I know you are right that I have to stay strong and not give up. I will keep writing to him and eventuallly he will maybe write back or phone me. He has my number anyway.

Sorry to hear that you have had bad family issues as well.

Thank you for your prayers and all the time you have spent writing to help me.I know I am not the only one with problems here.

Elfy

Divorce is hard; my parents divorced when I was young and I hated my father for leaving us and at first blamed him for every bad thing that came our way. In time I learned that these things happen and some things do not last forever. Things will get better, maybe not right now but down the road they will come to terms. As stated in the other posts hang in there, send him cards and emails from time to time, and let him know that you are thinking of him, don’t be pushy just say hello, get out and do things, try a support group for divorced people, you are not the only one that is going through things like this. Meeting other people and talking about how you feel will help you to learn that you are not alone. I hope this was in some way helpful to you Donna

I have been separated from my husband for a year, and a few months ago my 11 year-old son stopped talking to me. I'd call and text him everyday, but he wouldn't budge. I learned from my cousin's ex (who lives with them) that my ex was badmouthing me, and that my son was believing everything his father was saying. I was devastated. I tried to talk to my ex but he refused to return my calls, he would literally hide from me.

Everyday I was in agony and would sob uncontrollably in the shower. I was at my lowest. My friends told me to be patient, that my son would talk to me again. True enough, after a couple of months, he started answering my phone calls. I asked him if he loved me and he said that wherever I am in my life, I should always remember that I am his mother, and that he loves me. That meant the world to me.

I still miss being around my son everyday - taking care of him, doing mundane things with him, even arguing with him... but this is the life that I've chosen and I am going to stand by it. I know it's hard - hard is an understatement - but believe me, things will be better. And he DOES love you. If my 11 year-old could articulate to me how much he loved me, I'm sure your son loves you too, only he is much older and is probably not that open to telling you about his feelings.

But he does love you. Occupy yourself with work or a hobby, keep yourself busy. I know it's easier said than done, but it helps. And don't let up on the emails. I didn't stop with my phone calls and text messages. Just don't be too pushy - give him space, but do let him know that you're always there for him, that you haven't and will never forget him.

bluemuffin

Thank you for your support.You know exactly what I have been going through.It is a living hell for sure.I have gone through just what you described to me.Like you to I miss being around my son every day . I miss as you say even the mundane things but like you I made a choice to for my life and I am not sorry for that part.

I wanted you and everyone else who has tried to help me that my son is now speaking to me again thank God.

He finally answered one of my emails and then we arranged a visit. I have now seen him twice and he phoned me on Christmas Day. We are on the road back to a good relationship now I believe.

I am so happy for you to bluemuffin that your son speaks to you again as well. I wouldn't wish on anyone what you and I have gone through and sadly I know there must be other parents out there that are going through it right now.

Thanks, elfy. Some sad news, though -- my son has started to avoid me again. He even told me through texting on his cellphone "why the hell did you leave your f***ing family then? if you really loved daddy you wouldn't have left even if you fought and fought and fought."

It hurts so much that he has learned to speak to me this way. I have no doubt it is from being with his father, who never hesitated to use these words in front of our son. I tried explaining to my son that I couldn't live forever with his dad with our kind of marriage, but he wouldn't hear it. He was too hurt, I guess. I AM too...

I hate having left him with his dad. Everyday I cry because of the guilt. I think to myself, "my son is out there, while i am here living my own little life. i'm not cooking for him, caring for him, like i did every single day of his life for 11 years." the guilt is killing me.

I would like to take him and have him live with me, but my present circumstances do not allow for that at this point. I asked him if he wanted to live with me, if not now then maybe someday, and he said he wanted to stay with his dad. That is like a blow to the face, because he used to be closer to me than his dad before the separation. But at the same time I understand, because he is probably bitter at what happened. Still, I am devastated.

I don't know what to do. I cannot get it off my mind, and I find myself thinking of him every couple of hours. Images of him as a baby, and as he was growing up while I was taking care of him, fill my head. It is utter torture. What can I do? :(

Hi bluemuffin

I am so sorry that you are going through this yet again. I am sure this is because his dad is saying things to him as maybe he isn't happy that your son is talking to you and is forcing him to take a side which is totally wrong.

I am not expert for sure but I have learned a little. What ever you do be positive when you talk to him or email him. DO NOT say anything negative about his dad. I learned some time ago not to do that. I started to just say things like I hoped his dad was well and I wished him all the best etc.No matter what your son says don't engage in trashing his father.

Keep in touch no matter what whether he speaks to you or replies at all. The fact that he is replying on his text message to me is a good thing. It when he ignores you that there is little room for communication.I wouldn't say anything to him about he swearing right now as I think he is looking for a reaction.

Can you take him to a show do something he enjoys?Something you both used to do together that he will remember doing with you. I and my son used to enjoy going to a movie together so we do that now when I see him.

Don't give up no matter what. You have to get stubborn and just keep at it. That will keep you going. I wouldn't let my son forget I was out there and he came around. He laughed and told me that I sent so many emails to him it wasn't funny.I still email him and don't always get a reply sometimes.

Above all else just keep telling him you love him and always will no matter what.

I will be thinking of you and praying for you. You pray too. Believe me it helps and you will get an answer. Just try and be patient. I know how hard that is.Also stop beating yourself up for leaving. You did what you had to do and your son will see that in time. He is young . He will come around.

Elfy

bluemuffin

I forgot to mention too that your son loves you very much.You are his mother and he won't ever forget that.Mothers and sons have a bond forever.

Thank you so much, elfy. It's times like this that I am amazed at and really appreciate comforting words from people, even those I haven't met personally.

You're right, I will justl have to ] keep at what I'm doing right now. I can't let up on telling him I'm always here for him and that I love him. It's a very sensitive time for my son to be going through, since he's just entering his teens, and I feel his pain. But I guess all I can do is pray that in the end, I will have joint custody of him (our annullment, though slow, is thankfully moving along) and that we will be together again. And when I asked him if he loved me and if he will ever forget me, he said, "of course not. you're my mother and i will always love you."

I will also take your advice to heart about not trashing his father. Actually, I have stopped doing this a long time ago, but sometimes I still can't help but sneak in those little comments about how I don't want him growing up like his dad. Sigh. I guess that just doesn't help, does it? By the way, how are you and your son doing?

Hi, I'm joining this thread because I have the same issue with my son. It's been six years since I left my ex for being a control freak. I also feel guilty since I left my son with him at 11 years old, but my ex had threatened me if I ever took off with our son he would hunt me down. Well... six years later, my son now almost 18 does not talk, write, call, etc. My son and I would get together and he would spend time with me initially. I've tried everything from going to court, mediation, counseling, you name it, I've tried it. Now its been seven months since I last saw or talked to my son. I've texted him, mailed him cards, letters, and the last one I delivered to the school secretary to give to him about a month ago. No response. I also feel like I'm dying inside. It's killing me, and to add to that I have other problems in being able to see my grand children. I feel pounded. I don't know what to do anymore. I love them all and I've expressed that to them many times. I know it has to do with his father (because I know how he is). So, just pray for me please, I would love to see my son soon. He's a senior this year and I plan on going to the graduation at the school even if I'm not invited. Good luck to all in my this situation. I know how hard it is.

hb4now

Elfy,

How is your relationship with your son now. I have the same problem, I left my husband going on 3 years ago and my 19 yr old daughter will not talk to me or email. She acts like I don't exist. I feel like you as well.