My 17 yr old comes and goes as he pleases. He doesn't clean up after himself ever. He leaves it for me to do. He will drink the last of the milk even if it means his 2 year old sis doesn't have any in the morning for cereal. He doesn't help out around the house at all. He sleeps all day on weekends while the other kids are helping get the house in order.He now has a job. I was thinking of asking him to help out with groceries. Would this be bad. I know I'm his mom and I should be the one to provide food. And I feel weird taking money from my kid. What can I do?

Sounds to me like he's the typical teen. Dirty, lazy, and selfish. I was the same way at his age as most 17 year olds are. Other than that behavior, how is he? In school? Respectful for the most part? Drug free? Stays out of trouble? At least he has a job. So I guess my opinion is, yes, I think it is not only weird to take money from your kid, but wrong. Since he has a job now, at least he can be responsible for paying for his own leisurely activities. Gas, movies, shopping, thing of that nature. But groceries? Good grief, at least wait until he's 18. Even then, I think it's kind of crappy, but that's just me.

Since he doesn't contribute to the household in any other manner I wouldn't have any problem making him pay towards groceries. If he's big enough to work a job outside of the home for pay then he's certainly big enough to help out around the house.

Why are you letting him get away with the behavior that bothers you? I remember when I was a teen I would drink a soda and leave the empty can on the table. Then I would head off to my room. My dad would wait until he KNEW I was in my room, then call me upstairs to come throw my can away. It was more work on his part to get up, call me, tell me what to do, and wait for me to do it, but it got the point across; I'm supposed to clean up after myself. He never yelled about it; he would simply call my name, tell me to come upstairs, and once I was upstairs, tell me to throw my can away. I also used to sleep late into the afternoon - my parents would not take care to be quiet while I was sleeping - my mom would vacuum the house, dad would mow the lawn, etc. Sometimes they would even come make me get out of bed to do chores. I wasn't given the option to sleep until 2pm every day, I had to get up and do what was expected of me!

As far as your son coming and going as he pleases, is he using a car? Who's car? His car (meaning he paid for it 100% and pays the expenses 100%) or your car (meaning you paid for it, pay the insurance, etc)? I never had a car of my own, it was well understood the car I drove was my parent's car they LET me drive. As such, it could be taken away at a moments notice. You need to remember YOU are the parent - YOU get to say when he comes and goes, who he goes with and so on.

I don't think asking him to pay for groceries is going to get the results you want. He might not even do it. I mean, he gets away with not helping around the house as it is with no punishment, what will you do if he won't give you grocery money? My suggestion is to forget about collecting money from him, and instead focus on correcting the behavior you don't like. Think of it this way; if he gives you grocery money, but still drinks all the milk, won't clean up after himself and won't help out around the house, what good is it doing? You still do all the work, he still gets away with it.

Every time my oldest brother left something laying around and my Mom had to clean up after him, she charged him. She would make out the bill and hand it to him each Saturday. He got paid on Saturday. This did not include the basic laundry and meals and those things but the things that he was fully capable of picking up himself - like his towels after a bath or his dishes on the table. Talking to him was like talking to the wall. He got the idea after a couple weeks of this.

I agree with the others about consequences for his actions and making him responsible. As in the car. He wants to be an adult, then he should act like one.

My 17 yr old comes and goes as he pleases. he doesnt clean up after himself ever. He leaves it for me to do. He will drink the last of the milk even if it means his 2 year old sis doesnt have any in the morning for cereal. He doesnt help out around the house at all. He sleeps all day on weekends while the other kids are helping get the house in order.He now has a job. I was thinking of asking him to help out with groceries. Would this be bad. I know im his mom and i should be the one to provide food. and i feel weird taking money from my kid. What can i do?
He's good in school. He tries hard. He has been smoking marajuana but says he's quit. Don't know how true that is because he lies to me so much. He is respectful verbally to me. He never yells at me or says anything disrespectful. I don't need the money. I need for him to become responsible. As soon as he gets paid, he blows it all in one day. Then when he needs or wants something before he gets paid agaain, he makes me feel bad if I don't give him any more money. As for your rude remark about it being a crapppy thing to do to take money from my kid... How crappy is it to act like a five year old when you're 17 and expect everyone to wait on you while you take advantage of your family? OH AND HE Doesn't HAVE A CAR OR HIS LICENSE.. HE REFUSES TO LEARN TO DRIVE BECAUSE HE Doesn't LIKE ANYONE TELLING HIM WHAT TO DO . HE ALREADY KNOWS EVERYTHING!

as soon as he gets paid, he blows it all in one day. Then when he needs or wants something before he gets paid agaain, he makes me feel bad if i dont give him any more money.

Tell him no more money once he has spent his paycheck. Set limits. He's operating at home without boundaries.

If you have chores that he can do WELL and ON YOUR TIME SCHEDULE (not his) for money such as wash the floors, clean the bathroom, do the laundry including drying it and folding it and putting it away, wash the car, mow the lawn, pull weeds, wash lawn furniture, bake brownies from a box mix, etc. (I'll give you a longer list if you want me too... ), please sign him up to work for hire by you. (Actually, since he's a member of the family, at least some of these chores should be his anyway to do for free.)

Thanks so much! I thought about that too.

I really may try this! But he leaves so much stuff lying around... he may not have a check left!

He got his learners license but he refuses to learn to drive. He walks everywhere he goes. Thanks for the advice

This poster obviously doesn't understand teenage boys or learning responsibility.

He's good in school. He tries hard. He has been smoking marajuana but says he's quit. Dont know how true that is becuase he lies to me so much. He is respectful verbally to me. He never yells at me or says anything disrespectful. I dont need the money. I need for him to become responsible. as soon as he gets paid, he blows it all in one day. Then when he needs or wants something before he gets paid agaain, he makes me feel bad if i dont give him any more money. As for your rude remark about it being a crapppy thing to do to take money from my kid....How crappy is it to act like a five year old when you're 17 and expect everyone to wait on you while you take advantage of your family? OH AND HE DOESNT HAVE A CAR OR HIS LICENSE.. HE REFUSES TO LEARN TO DRIVE BECAUSE HE DOESNT LIKE ANYONE TELLING HIM WHAT TO DO . HE ALREADY KNOWS EVERYTHING!

Holy cow, my apologies. I thought I made it clear that was just my opinion. And you're darn right, it is crappy of him to act like a five year old. But if you ask me, he's not. He's acting like a 17 year old. Like I said, teenagers are dirty, lazy, and selfish for the most part. I did not mean to offend you. I guess I was raised different. I grew up in a very poor household and my parents would steal from the pope before they took any money from any of their 3 children no matter how lazy and disrespectful we were. And we were very disrespectful. All 3 of us. We failed grades, heavy into drugs, police records, the works. I guess my parents valued every cent they earned and couldn't bear to ever take money from their kids because they wanted us to be better off. And now that we're grown, none of us could ask for a better relationship with our parents and we were all out of the house by 18. Ok well one sis was 19. And haven't been dependent on them since. I'll say it again, I'm sorry if I offended you as that wasn't my intent.

Ah, one more thing, I think it's pretty awful for you to have jumpped down my throat. You asked for opinions and guess what, you got them. I was very respectful in my response and even put my 2 cents in as to what I thought was fair. Him paying for his leisurley activities himself. My opinion is he's your child and you're responsible to feed him for free. I never implied that you should give him the world or let him continue behaving the way he does. You asked about grocery money, I answered.

sign him up to work for hire by you

Put him on a weekly schedule for certain things. That will help him learn how to improve how he works and will give him a steady income from you if you decide to pay him for certain jobs. He will know what he has to do to earn X dollars once a week, and you will know X jobs will get done.

Of course, if he slops through it and does a horrible job, all bets are off.

(If he can't succeed with you, send him over to me. I deal with teens who are court-ordered to work X number of hours in community service. The library where I work sparkles -- shelves are dust free and all interior glass is clean. I'll find something for him to do--but sorry, no pay for it.)

(And the teens are happier for knowing they have contributed to the community and for having been kept busy doing something worthwhile. Trust me on this.)

My 17 yr old comes and goes as he pleases. he doesnt clean up after himself ever. He leaves it for me to do. He will drink the last of the milk even if it means his 2 year old sis doesnt have any in the morning for cereal. He doesnt help out around the house at all. He sleeps all day on weekends while the other kids are helping get the house in order.He now has a job. I was thinking of asking him to help out with groceries. Would this be bad. I know im his mom and i should be the one to provide food. and i feel weird taking money from my kid. What can i do?
Oh definitely I would make him pay. If he has a job and doesn't want to help out around the house then make him pay. I think he is being very selfish not leaving milk for his little sis. Hopefully it is not too late to ready him for his future life on his own. It sounds like he has already been pretty spoiled by you. The sooner you ready him for the real world the better he will be in the end. It is called tough love. Seventeen years old is more than old enough to start acting like a man.

Wondergirl, that sounds like such an awesome idea! I wish I could send him to you!
I will look into some community programs! Thanks so much for the advice.

I really may try this! But he leaves so much stuff lying around... he may not have a check left! That's sort of the idea. It has to have a negative consequence in order for it to effectively eliminate his irresponsible behavior.

He's acting like a 17 year old. Like I said, teenagers are dirty, lazy, and selfish for the most part.
This may all be very well true. But that doesn't excuse anything. Simply shrugging your shoulders and saying in essence that "that's just the way things are" is a cop-out. As a growing young man he has an obligation to learn to be a responsible, productive citizen and it begins at home. And as his mother, the OP has the responsibility to teach him that. If making him pay is what'll do it, then so be it. It's worth a shot. You can't just ignore that because he's a "dirty, lazy and selfish teenager" and expect him to magically grow out of it and suddenly grow up and be responsible when he turns 21. If his parents don't start training him now, then he'll never learn. When he gets to be 40 he'll be a "dirty, lazy and selfish" 40-year-old. Same for when he turns 50, etc.

This may all be very well true. But that doesn't excuse anything. Simply shrugging your shoulders and saying in essence that "that's just the way things are" is a cop-out. As a growing young man he has an obligation to learn to be a responsible, productive citizen and it begins at home. And as his mother, the OP has the responsibility to teach him that. If making him pay is what'll do it, then so be it. It's worth a shot. You can't just ignore that because he's a "dirty, lazy and selfish teenager" and expect him to magically grow out of it and suddenly grow up and be responsible when he turns 21. If his parents don;t start training him now, then he'll never learn. When he gets to be 40 he'll be a "dirty, lazy and selfish" 40-year-old. Same for when he turns 50, etc.

I agree. All very true. However, I never said his behavior was OK. His behavior is not surprising and shouldn't be excused or ignored. I never said it should.

My oldest brother was rather stubborn (correction - still is!) and thought (correction - thinks) he's the smartest person on earth, no one knows better than him, blah blah blah. From what you say your son isn't disrespectful to you verbally, which is great, but if you ask him to do something and he won't, that's showing you disrespect. Same with coming and going without clearing it with you first. It doesn't matter if he has a car, a friend is driving him, or he walks, it's still your business to know where he's going, who he's with and when he will be back. If he won't tell you these things, he doesn't get to go. If he goes anyway (let's face it, he's a teen, it happens!) then he comes home to a nasty surprise - the TV in his room is gone (or stereo, or computer, whatever). He gets it back when he EARNS it back. If he never earns it back, take something else the next time. My parents did this with my oldest brother - he eventually lost the door to his bedroom!

I'm sure you're in a tough spot because on the one hand you don't want to cause a fight, but on the other hand, you want him to stand on his own two feet and be responsible; meaning you can't do it all for him. But you have to look at what his behavior is doing to you and the rest of your family. Do his siblings miss spending time with him? Do they resent him because he has no chores and gets to come and go as he pleases? I think the "pay per thing I do for you" idea is great - IF you can get him to fork over the money, that is! Making him work for extra money when he spends his paycheck is also a great idea. By simply handing him an extra $20 when he runs out, he's not learning the value of money - he's going to think when he runs out, there's always more to be had. That spells credit card danger for the future! Another thought about his money - how does he cash his paychecks? Does he have his own account, or does he rely on you to cash them for him? If you cash them for him, start teaching him a lesson about savings - withhold a certain percent of his paycheck each week and put it into a savings account for him. Each month, show him how much money is in there, and encourage him to contribute more. If he cashes his own paycheck but you have a savings account of your own you can show him, do that instead. It will help drive the point home that saving money is important and can pay off; that spending responsibly is more important than buying the next best thing.

My husband and I read these threads and think about our 2yo... what would we do? In discussion of this post we came to the realization that I am the responsible one. I know when things are due.. what has been paid and what hasn't. I'm the one who puts things in priority.

When I was 17... yes I had to pay my way. When my husband was 17 everything was handed to him. He ran the roads.. didn't work steadily.. got in trouble.. was lazy and dirty. He still is, somewhat, at 30. However, at age 15 I was working after school.. buying my own clothes.. and helped with bills if needed, along with doing my chores. I was a typical teen... had to have push now and then, but was taught to be pretty responsible.

In your case, being that your son "was" a pot smoker... I don't think community service will do the trick. I would think he will rebel against it like it is probation or punishment. I think making him pay his way is a good idea... but he still needs to help with the household chores. However, if he pays his way... you need to be ready to treat him like an adult. If he lives like an adult he gets treated like one. Good and bad!

Chores shouldn't be on "your time". Chores are everyday things that need to be done, when they fit in to the persons schedule. Not saying that he should be able to lay around all day, but if he has other obligations his chores should be able to wait. Think about it, that's what life is really like as an adult... learning to organize your day properly.

Sorry to chatter on... my vote is for... yes, he pays his way and learn to be a responsible adult :)

Thanks!

I will look into some community programs!

Remember, the teens who are sent to me are court-ordered. They have gotten into trouble and have been ordered to do X number of hours at a non-profit organization.

Of course, I also supervise teens who want to be able to put on their college applications the fact that they volunteered at a public library. Your son should be able to get volunteer work at a library or a nursing home or an animal/people shelter. He will find out he's not the only person in the world and will figure out that things he does will make others very happy.

Another thing that you might try doing is color-coding items, and making people pick up after themselves. One person has a green plate, the next red, the next yellow, etc. What gets into the kitchen gets washed. If it doesn't get to the kitchen, then they get to eat their next meal off a dirty plate. Same with laundry. If he leaves his dirty clothes lying around, then he gets to wear dirty clothes. And no way in the world should you be giving him money because he's blown his paycheck. When he comes to you complaining that he doesn't have the money he needs for his latest desire, sympathize about how rough that is, give advice about saving money, give him a hug and walk away. He's living at home, and this is the time that he needs to learn about how to handle finances. Bailing him out is the worst thing that you can do.

My 17 yr old comes and goes as he pleases. he doesnt clean up after himself ever. He leaves it for me to do. He will drink the last of the milk even if it means his 2 year old sis doesnt have any in the morning for cereal. He doesnt help out around the house at all. He sleeps all day on weekends while the other kids are helping get the house in order.He now has a job. I was thinking of asking him to help out with groceries. Would this be bad. I know im his mom and i should be the one to provide food. and i feel weird taking money from my kid. What can i do?
I am 18 almost 19.. and personally I think you should totally make him pay.. if he refuses or gives you a hard time, which most likely will happen.. then suggest that if he plans on staying there that he has to help out.. even if you don't want him to leave just try and scare him.. or if that doesn't work.. (which this one might work better.. it's what I get) you should maybe give him some kind of motivation.. like you will buy him a new game or you will help out with his car.. or something along those lines.. make it be something he can't refuse.

Some pretty good advice from most posters here Juliepann. Think about it Mom, if he goes out in the world like he is now without you're trying something to change him, he will have problems.

OMG.. another example of "that" kind of guy that all the single and married women complain about. Seriously, he needs a wake up call and it seems you are ready to give him one.

Good luck, build the ranks of the "good" guys,

Stringer

My 17 yr old comes and goes as he pleases. he doesnt clean up after himself ever. He leaves it for me to do. He will drink the last of the milk even if it means his 2 year old sis doesnt have any in the morning for cereal. He doesnt help out around the house at all. He sleeps all day on weekends while the other kids are helping get the house in order.He now has a job. I was thinking of asking him to help out with groceries. Would this be bad. I know im his mom and i should be the one to provide food. and i feel weird taking money from my kid. What can i do?
How about giving him the option of helping out or paying for his keep? It all about teaching him responsibility and he may appear to hate you for it now but He love you for it don the line. Either way it will be his choice!

When I was growing up, I was one of four kids. We had our "to do" lists. If it wasn't done, we didn't go out or do fun things.
If something wasn't working for our parents - it was time for a family meeting. We would get set down and told that things were about to change. They told us what they expected of us.
My dad left lists for each of us everyday. And we knew we had better get them done. We did NOT get an allowance. So, we did what were told so we could keep a chunk of our butt. :)
I don't think there is anything wrong with charging him a food fee. It sounds like he is using your house like a hotel - if he can't be responsible for his part in any other way - take it from where he will feel it the most.

Also, don't let him treat you like a bank - you are not. By you giving him money after he has spent his - he won't learn how to manage what he has.

I could go on - but your question was about grocery money.

You seem very defensive about anything anyone writes about your question so if you have all the answers then why are you asking us how to raise your children??

Oh yeah and where is the father figure?? I bet he would not be acting like such a punk if he had a stern figure in his life not a pushover!!

My 17 yr old comes and goes as he pleases. he doesnt clean up after himself ever. He leaves it for me to do. He will drink the last of the milk even if it means his 2 year old sis doesnt have any in the morning for cereal. He doesnt help out around the house at all. He sleeps all day on weekends while the other kids are helping get the house in order.He now has a job. I was thinking of asking him to help out with groceries. Would this be bad. I know im his mom and i should be the one to provide food. and i feel weird taking money from my kid. What can i do?
Im Not being defensive just because I say I didn't spoil him. I guess you would just have to know the whole situation. His daddy died of cancer 2 years ago. They were really close. It was extremely hard on him. You're right. If his daddy were here, he would be different. I don't know all the answers. I just love my son and hope he will grow mature one day. I will do whatever it takes to help him get there. I don't know why you took an attitude with me. I found your advice kind of helpful. Im not looking for a debate. Just a little sound advice . It sounds like you want an argument. You're not me and you don't know what its like to have a son who has lost his dad while he was a teen. I am a pushover because Im trying to be 2 parents. Im doing the best I can and sometimes I need a little advice. I thought that was this board was for. I don't think I ask you imparticular. I just asked hoping someone may be dealing with the same issue could help.

Thanks!

I have given him the option. He chooses to p/u after himself but then still doesn't. Thanks for trying to help!

julie, I think you have been receptive to our advice, and of course it's difficult because none of us know the particulars of your situation, and most importantly, none of us know your son. But I think you are demonstrating an effort since you've come here looking for suggestions.

Since you've clued us in to your son's father's recent death, has this behavior been getting worse as time goes on? Is your son in therapy about dealing with his father's death? A lot of high schools have actual therapists on site for students to talk to; you might want to encourage that if he's not seeing someone already. It's tough to lose a parent - especially to something like cancer if he saw his dad deteriorating. Talking to someone might help him a lot.

As far as your hope for him to grow mature, I think that's what all parents want. You're in a unique situation being a single mom, and I'm sure you feel obligated to be a pushover. But the time is coming where your son is getting older, and will be on his own soon. Now is the time to start pushing him in the right direction and hoping he figures it out on his own. You don't have to shove him off a cliff - but you have to start letting him figure out how to make it on his own.

Remind him how very soon he will have to move out on his own and will have to do all of the adult reponsiblities himself. Make him get a job so he learns this, and he will come around.

you dont know what its like to have a son who has lost his dad while he was a teen. I am a pushover because Im trying to be 2 parents. Im doing the best i can

Julie, this additional information makes all the difference in the world! My thoughts when I read your original post were that your son is taking advantage of you. Now I'm thinking he's depressed over his father's death and needs to talk it out with someone not in the family. He needs to vent and to cry and to scream and to hate God and to bargain and to go through all the stages that survivors go through. All he's doing right now is avoiding life, or at least avoiding his family who probably are also feeling the lost of their husband and father.

I suggest the entire family get into counseling, even if it's only a half a dozen sessions. You all probably need to learn how to grieve and how to support each other and how to cope with this loss. If money is a consideration, most counselors have a sliding scale. The county human resources department is another possibility and may even sponsor grief support groups.

My heartfelt wishes are to you all.

Many kids go through this. It is important to make them have some kind of responsibility.

There is nothing wrong with making him pay. He should contribute somehow and if he isn't going to by helping around the house he should pay something so he can learn some form of responsibility. As long as he can come and go and do as he pleases he will learn an irresponsible pattern.
Since you are worried about taking money from him use the money to buy milk, cereal and things you typically buy for him. I have even heard of parents starting an account with the kids money and not telling them about it. Then when they are grown and move out they give it to them to help get them started being on their own.

My 17 yr old comes and goes as he pleases. he doesnt clean up after himself ever. He leaves it for me to do. He will drink the last of the milk even if it means his 2 year old sis doesnt have any in the morning for cereal. He doesnt help out around the house at all. He sleeps all day on weekends while the other kids are helping get the house in order.He now has a job. I was thinking of asking him to help out with groceries. Would this be bad. I know im his mom and i should be the one to provide food. and i feel weird taking money from my kid. What can i do?
I think what you should do is don't ask, tell him, say if you are going to stay here and lay around like you own the place then you are going to start helping out around the house. If that means doing laundry for your mother or taking out the trash, or even put groceries in the house once a month. Don't let him run you, just always remember you are the parent not him. and you decide what your kids do.