All right so I have read a few previous posts about similar questions and have read good advice, now here is my situation. I am 20 years old a college football player, and my girlfriend is 22 years old, graduated and in her first year as a nurse 45 minutes away from me. We have been together for almost a year now, we lived together over the summer and everything has been amazing until this past week. We were planning on getting engaged within the next month or so. Anyway, the other day after we had been fighting she told me that she needed some space, I said okay and gave it to her the best I could. Wondering what was going on of course, I asked her some questions, like what is wrong and that sort of thing. She said that I haven't been the best boyfriend the past couple of months and that she needed to think about what she wanted because this isn't what she pictured our relationship to be like and she feels like she doesn't have a life where she lives and has no friends. So she has been going out with coworkers and friends and going out and having a good time which is awesome. Now granted and admittedly I haven't been the best boyfriend, she has practically been keeping our relationship going by driving up to see me all the time, literally! Now, I play football and my schedule doesn't really allow me to go and see her very often at all, but she knows that I go up there any chance I get and I am planning on moving in with her over christmas break and over the summer. However yesterday she called and said that we needed to take a break. I don't know what to think about this at all. She said that she DOES NOT want to break up but she just needs to think about things and she needs her space. Now I have been trying to be my old self like when we started dating, I have been trying to do all of the little things that made her fall in love with me, basically I got lazy in our relationship and I truly want to fix it but it is like she doesn't want me to fix it right now. I am confused and lost and need some of that good advice you folks have been dishing out.

Amazing for whom?? You?? Not her.

It's give and take.

RULE #1... GIVE HER THE FREAKING SPACE!! DO NOT CALL!! REPEAT AFTER ME DO NOT CALL!!

Stay 100% busy with school and football. Do not communicate with her.

Leave her alone - make her miss you.

See - you stopped being a challenge, mysterious, etc. I am sure somewhere over the summer you lowered her interest level big time by smothering her and being around her ALL THE freaking time.

It's good you're trying gto go back to what turned her on in the first place... but she knows you will get lazy again. WHY did you get lazy in the first place?

AGAIN - leave her alone or she will not come back.

Not to break your heart, but you need to seriously find out if there is someone else? New work, new location, new people, new people ARE exciting. Space can usually mean a new guy she is thinking about. I deal in tough love and know what happens when women say these things.

There is nothing you can do to fix this now. Any attempt to fix this now, will be seen by her as an effort to get her back. Sounds romantic right? Not!! For some reason most women hate the fact that once they ask for space(dumping you), the guy all of a sudden changes and starts to be all romantic again.

Do as she asks, give her space. Do not contact her at all. Trust me, contacting her now in anyway will make her run. Do nothing what so ever with her. In the mean time refeclt on what happened. I know it hurts, start to deal with that. The first stages are the hardest. Do not hold it back, let it all out. Talk to your family and close friends. You will go through the stages of shock, anger, denial, bargaining (what if I did this or that), and then acceptance. It will take time. Slowly but surely, you'll over come this.

Please do not go after her. Turn the other way, with your head up high.

one_life has it SPOT ON HERE! LISTEN TO HIM! I treid and tried and tried to win back my EX and all she did was run, and if you chase you will fall flat on your face. TRUST ME! I wouldn't say that this means its over with you two, but you need to just back off and let her contact you. If a woman wants you back, you will know. I tried for a good 2 months to win back my EX and all it did was CRUSH me and made me a crazy person :mad: . I haven't talked with my EX now for almost 2 weeks and it is soooooo much better for me. It will be REALLY hard, but you have to man up here. Join a gym and find things to do to keep you busy, you sound like a good guy that has a lot to offer. Chin up buddy, you will be just fine! :cool:

That which is chased - runs. Always. It's like chasing your shadow - you can never catch it. Or, running from your shadow it never catches you.

Backing of is great strategy (lack of a better word). Let her miss you.

Thanks for the advice, I haven't talked to her the past couple of days and then she called me today when I wasn't around my phone. Now she called when I was at football and she knows my schedule so why would she call then and not leave a voicemail? Should I call her back or wait and hope she calls back, or should I just not answer her phone calls for a while.

NO! Don't call her.

She wanted sapce - give it to her. You are a busy guy.

If she's not leaving a message, she might be playing games. TESTS!!

If she says she needs a break, then give it to her. Stay away from her and don't contact her at all. Go on with your life and do the things you like to do. Go out with your own friends and have fun. Meet and date some new women. As a college football player I'm sure you have access to lots of young, eligible females. Let her think things over for a while and see if she misses you. She may end up crawling back to you. If so, then you can continue the relationship on YOUR terms ; no head games, etc. You'll be in control and you'll make the rules. Meanwhile, if you meet someone you like better, then by all means you can tell her "so long, sweetheart" and let her have her regrets.

She is asking you for space because that is what she wants and you have to allow her that.

My guess is that she is making new friends, making good money, venturing out on her own, enjoying the single life, having second thoughts about the relationship, and she is outgrowing you. She is having fun right now, and this may hurt a bit, but having you as a boyfriend may not really fit into her new life. This is just an assumption. I always try and put myself in the woman's shoes before I give advice. What it all boils down to is that she is wanting space. Do not try and contact her, do not call her, give her space. She is torn between what it is that she wants and stepping back and giving her time will allow her to make a choice.
Good Luck.

Letmeno gives great advice here. Give her the space - that's the ONLY way she will come back. She also wants to see if you're man enough to deal with that OR are a Wuss-Whimp and scream about wanting gher back.

do not call... she knows your schedule and calls when your busy, then doesn't leave a message. She wants you to call her. Don't... my guess is she is trying new things and trying to find herself (which is why she wanted space) but she wants to know you will always be there. If you grant her that satisfaction you may be giving her the ingiedients to "have her cake and eat it to". So even if you are always going to be there don't let her know. if she does contact you (which i think will happen soon) let her know you care about her and you want her to find out/know what she wants. I'm not saying you should be happy about the space and her sudden "doubts", but don't be upset or depressed about it. This may strengthen your relationship in the long run.

Thanks everybody, I am hanging tough and I haven't contacted her. She has called twice now, left one message saying how she misses talking to me (refering to the time that we have our daily conversation that lasts about 30 mins) and how she was thinking of me. She also said that she knows that I am the one for her she just needs space still. Anyway I haven't called her back, not going to lie it hasn't been the easiest thing to do but football keeps me busy. So I was wondering when is it okay to contact her or answer her phone calls? (saying that she calls when I am free to talk) I don't want to ignore her and then her move on... I really do know that she is the one for me and I love her more than anything so what should my next move be? And when is it okay for me to start doing the little things again?

Smitty, it's good she called and actually left a message, but in that message she also said she still needed the space. Wait a couple of days at least before calling her back (trust me, she won't move on in a couple of days) and keep it light. No more than "good to hear from you, I'm doing really well, keeping busy with football and school stuff, friends.. I have thought about you too but I will continue to give you the space you asked for, I think it may do us both good. She should see that you're not just sitting around waiting for her call but you made time in your busy schedule to call her back because she's important, just not at the top of your list right now. Don't get sappy, no matter what she says or does. Hold back, it's hard but not impossible. It's not a game, you're just looking out for yourself, not being presumptuous and trying to avoid any more unnecessary pain, pain can be avoided most times. Don't worry, you won't lose her over this, not if she was sincere when she said that you were the one for her. Best of luck!

Wow, that sounds familiar. In my book, "taking a break" means needing some time to figure out the best way to "break up" with you. You might as well start seeing other girls because "taking a break" means it's over, or might as well be.

Smitty,

This is kind of an eery coinsidence. I just graduated this past May with my Master's and I'm working in Iowa. I played college football as well at an Engineering school. I have been dating someone for 3 1/2 years and when we both graduated she moved to Las Vegas to build Casinos. Well here we are 6 months later and she just broke it off when I visited her and her family in St. Louis. We had talked about taking a break and I should have seen this coming from miles away. I didn't know what to do either. I'm still a mess right now as I am in a place where there are not many single females to move on with. This just adds to the depression. She is a terrific girl and I love her to death, but she is starting a new life and trying to figure out if I am going to be a part of it. We both plan on moving on within our companies in the next few years, but how could I wait that long. I know exactly how you feel right now, so hang in there. Anyone have any advice on a long distance relationship like this? I am a realist and I know that I am 1500 miles apart, but I wouldn't be writing this if I didn't think I could make it work. I took a lot of advice from the previous replies on communication, but she still calls and talks as if everything is normal. Do I cut off communication with her? It is a little easier for her to put me out of her mind when she is that far away. I would really like to try to make this work. But I have never been through this type of break up or a relationship of this distance. Probably too many problems to even begin to deal with. Thanks for all the info guys. It helps to know I'm not the only one going through this sort of thing.

I'll help you out Miner... I don't have a lot of time right now.

1. RULE #1 - DO NOT ACT DESPERATE TO HER!! For now DO NOT iniate any contact!! Do not call - DO not e-mail - do not text.

I hope you haven't. Contacted her. Contacting her would be about the worst thing you can do.

You really need to go 2 months without contacting her - at least.

DON'T return her calls OR e-mails.

I not this doesn't sound right, but woman don't make sense.

Keep busy.

I am not sure you can do this and think you've already come across as desperate to her - that's repulsive to her. Women hate this.

Yeah, you are right about that. I called her two days after and told her how hard I was willing to work to make it work. I was a little unclear what our status was at the time. I tried not to come across desperate, but who knows. I definitely have not been like that since. I have a flight booked to go out there for New Year's so I just don't know how to approach it until then.

It seems that I should at least cut the communication. This is pretty difficult since we have talked for just about every day for the last 3 + years. But she needs to lose something to appreciate it, doesn't she?

Stop calling - YOU HAVE TO. STOP - every day will be easier.

Give her space.

DON'T ANSWER HER CALLS. DON'T return them for a couple months. You want this gal back or just be her 'friend'? You don't want to be her friend.

Get rid of the ticket - your not going - it will be a massive disappoint IF she says no - VERY akward/FRIEND ZONE IF you do go.

You need her to chase you again.

Be busy - go out with friends, work hard, school if any, family, WORKOUT and get in BETTER shape - nothing better to get, DATE, YES DATE, HOBBIES, religion etc.

Don't be a sick puppy waiting for this gal.

See - I have feeling you totally surrender to this woman. Gave up friends. Other outings. Always had to be with her. Yuck.

Women are part of your life - NOT your life. You get heartache when you make them your life - even your wife - women don't want this.

I have a feeling she lost respect for you along the way. Too much of a 'nice guy'. Too agreeable. Little spine. Maybe you got a little untrustworthy? Jealous?

By BOTHERING her NOW you lower her interest level even more. THAT WHICH is chased, runs.

I know all this sounds weird, BUT you don't understand women at all - they WANT mystery, challenge, thinking other women want you - YOU PROVIDED NONE OF THIS FOR HER.

You need to LEARN about wha tcreates attraction. Learn teasde her again, make a lot of fun of her... not take any crap from her.

"how hard I was willing to work to make it work."

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! You should have just been funny on the phone. Nothing serious. Kept the cal short.

BUT STOP calling for now. Stop the communcating. Pinning, grveling, begging never works. Never.

She wants a busy guy who doesn't have time for her. Be busy. Get you mind off her.

As brutal as wildcat may sound, he is correct. Either absence makes the heart grow fonder or out of sight, out of mind. What ever the case may be you have to not only take a step back but do an about face and start walking the other direction. Women do make sense but we are just way too complicated (sort of like a calculus problem, it's confusing to stand back and look @ but once you take the time and effort to figure it out, it makes perfect sense). It may be hard, but you have to keep busy and keep going. I was in a relationship for 2 years when my guy told me he needed space. I gave him so much space he literally didn't even know that I still lived in the same town. 0 contact for 2 months. Make them miss you by removing everything about you from their lives. This means all conviences of being in a relationship and/or friendship with them. This is hard. Been there, done it. But it shows that you have a backbone, it shows that you are capable of moving on and most of all it shows them that you can be happy without them and this is the #1 reason why the ones who wanted the most space come crawling back. Show someone that they are not the center of your world and I will show you someone who will almost always want to reconcile.

Very good stuff, thanks for the advice. The reason I made the call to begin with is because I was beating myself up thinking I didn't work at the Long distance part hard enough. I felt better after at least making an attempt. I also wanted to make sure I knew why we were breaking up. I really think this is more of a situational thing, not a loss of interest. She needs some time apart before she decides how to proceed. That sounds incredibly pathetic, but I suppose that could be good or bad, but if she flat out didn't feel like dating anymore I wouldn't have a play at all.

I suppose I shouldn't even touch the jelousy stuff? (asking her about her life, telling her about mine, etc.) That probably goes w/o saying if I am going to act busy and uninterested. I just have a hard time being patient, but it sounds like that is my only option. I am having a hard time as well because I am a fairly social guy from KC in a small Iowa town where there is nothing to do. I'll just have to get creative. One thing I will say that I'm sure many will attest to. It is a hell of a lot easier to workout after a breakup. Seems like everysong on the iPod was written for this situation. I worked out for 2 1/2 hours today and it felt like 30 minutes. I suppose that is as good a way as any to pass the time. Anyway, thanks again. Drop a line if you have anything more.

Ok, Wildcat I just read your second post. I will respond:

3 1/2 years ending at the drop of a hat will make anyone a little nuts for a few days at least. You were wrong on just about every point in the second reply. Thanks for the effort and I can definitely see where you are getting it from considering you have nothing to go on, but these posts. Lost puppy - no. missed out on friends - definitely not. I see where you are getting at.

As far as getting rid of a plane ticket to Las Vegas for New Year's eve, that could be a little difficult to pass up. I will probably bring friends out there and I think we could probably find something to do if things don't work out. Her seeing me in person is not a bad thing especially if I play it right and not allow it to turn into a "friend zone" trip. I have been through a breakup with her before, but I did the break up. I played it well that time and things worked themselves out. This is definitely different though. Before we were in school and we could see each other with other guys/girls and it drove us both crazy until we finally got back together.

I must say, I didn't think someone would come in and take over my post but it sounds to me like you need it and we need to hang out. Man I know exactly what you are going through, except the distance is a big difference in my situation. I at least have the luxury of driving there in like 45 minutes. It has been almost 3 weeks since my girlfriend and I have taken a break and I can say that the advice that these good people have given me, for the most part has been spot on. My girlfriend said she needed to have a life away from me basically, and for awhile at least, without me. Pretty hard to swallow I know, my stomach knotted up for like a week. The hardest thing in the world to do for me was to not call her when we had our set time to talk every day. But I hung in there and stayed strong, thank God for football and 3 hour practices. But I worked out extra, went out with friends, and had as much fun as I could. Yeah I thought about her and wondered what she was doing, that's going to happen, but don't let it get the best of you. I didn't talk to her for 2 and a half weeks. Didn't think I had it in me to be honest. Guess what though, we went to dinner 2 nights ago after she called and said that she really wanted to see me and it was amazing. We talked about things and I was finally able to understand what she is needing and what she needs from me. Once she saw me it was like she didn't want me to go. The hardest part of this for me was when I made the decision before I saw her, that no matter what I was leaving after dinner and she asked me to stay with her. I walked her to her door and kissed her on the cheek and said goodnight. No I love you's or anything. She has called every day now and even though she still needs time right now we are at least talking and progressively headed back to that amazing love that we shared before. Just remember its not going to happen over night.

My advice to you my friend, when you think that you have to talk to her or hear her voice, you really don't! Its tough, but anything that is that good isn't easy and it can be done. Stick with working out, best stress reliever known to man, and those ipods come in quite handy. But don't listen to those songs that talk about losing someone or heartache. Keep things positive and upbeat, enjoy being with your friends. If your anything like me, you let your lady take up most of your time and left very little with your friends. Its time to make that lost time up to your boys. Good luck bud

That is great news. Congrats on being strong and leaving, I've been there too. Sometimes I've been strong and did what you did and other times, well... we won't get into to those times. Interesting coincidence, I played football for four years, with smitty as a nickname. Those football practices are definitely great to get your mind off things. No choice really, you start moping about girls on the football field, you are in big trouble. Weird, this the first search I did and your post pops up.

I'm going to try my best on this to cut communication. It is going to be tough considering she is in Las Vegas and I am in Iowa. Its very easy for my mind to wander and probably a lot easy for her to stay occupied. But that's the hand I'm dealt so no point complaining about it.

I'm going to KU (Lawrence, KS) tonight for the weekend. My friends are throwing a party. If the sorority women of Kansas University don't put my mind at ease nothing will. I broke an impressive streak of not speaking to her last night, so that's a start. I already feel so much better than I did earlier in the week. Well, take care, and best of luck making things work.

Sorry for the tough love - BUT, I want you to change yesterday. I want you face the reality of what is happening here. This is no flowery plan to happiness in a relationship.

You turned her off - she wants a man and bet a lot of money you've been the SOFT, sensitive guy - because you THINK that's what she wants - nope!!

Most women want the Marlboro man - not her gay friend.

I now it's hard to admit - Miner - but I am sure you did those things.

I know about 99% of the time why women leave.

Smitty my man!!

"I walked her to her door and kissed her on the cheek and said goodnight. No I love you's or anything."

AWESOME!! JUST AWESOME!!

Re-building attraction.

No I love you's for A LONG time. You sholdn't say them a lot to begin with.

You need to get a life and enjoy your youth.Everybody changes and grows.You can waste your time wondering and hoping or you can explore this big old world and find your place in it.Get busy if you are meant to have it you will get it.

Yeah that's good advice. Nope. Just blow off a woman he loves. No way. Terrible advice.

You're handling it right Smitty - this is a marathon. Take your time. Make her chase you.

Love is a two way street ,not a marathon .Trying to convince someone that you're the one might make her feel good but you'll regret wasting time while someone else thinks about it.How about this,work on yourself and get your act together and let people get themselves together before you make the mistake all youthfull in love people make babies and divorce then everyone ends up miserable.

Sorry talaniman, your advice sucks. Not real world. People would be very lonely if they listened to you. These are RELATIONSHIPS, not dating. People have to learn how they work, improve, change, work to learn and deal with people. Relationships aren't easy. You'll never be in one with that attitude.

After a lot of girlfriends ,30 years of marriage ,2 kid and, 5 grans iIhave seen and done a lot. Some relationships make you better some don't.Some are poison from the get go, but we are sooo in love that we don't see things clearly.If people are so in love why do most of them end up hating each other?come on at 22 most of us haven't got a clue about love we just know we want her.Any relationship should bring joy as well as pain. Both of you have to be committed to the process and whatever it brings for you both to be happy and fulfilled that's why I say enjoy your youth and work on yourself so when the time comes at least you can bring something to the table We all walk through life at are own pace take care of yourself first or you can never take care of someone else.

Yeah, 30 years of marriage - yep - you know the dating scene today. Nope. Lots changed in 30 years - women are completely empowered.

And you have to work on relationships - not just give up - as long there was no cheating, abuse, lies.

Wildcat is right again... a lot has changed. Women are going out of their minds compared to "back in the day".

Yep - that's a good way to put it.

They flirt more than ever. The clothes reveal more. They hook up with more than one guy. The act like guys more than ever.

Guys have to be more confident and in control and a challenge more than ever. AND these days women say they prefer certain things - but it doesn't matter - they REACT on their feelings more than ever.

I had my fun I hope you enjoy yourself as much as I did-go for what you know

With your schedule, I'm surprised you have accomplished as much as you have. It's very difficult for you to keep up with what you have going on. There are some men that are available, if you are the one willing to do all the work. If you think it's bad now, it's worse when you become a pro football player. My friend dated one, and split because, she was doing all the work. There are some women that will like doing all the work to be with you. Just make it clear, you are a lot of work. Besides which, she has a lot of interns to contend with. Don't rob her of that. People meet up again in the future, and if it wasn't so bad in the past, it begins again even better.

Well this is deff. A difficult situation. Because none of us know what she is feeling or why she is wanting to take a break. Id say give the girl some space. Let her see what she what she wants, and what she is looking for in life. Sometimes we all need our space. Maybe she really doesn't want to break up, She just needs time to think. Getting engaged is one step closer to a life long commitment so maybe she's needs time to think about it all. Commitment is a big step and its not as easy for some people. Im sure it doesn't mean she wants to meet new people or anything it just means she needs to make sure this is what she really wants. After all being committed to somebody and being married isn't easy. Maybe she's just not quite ready.
Hope I could help.

Wow, I'm glad I found this! My girlfriend of almost two years has also said to me that she needs "space". She also told me that she will never love anyone like she loves me but right now she thinks time to herself would help us out a lot. She feels "cornered" and "constricted". We love each other very much, but I find it SO hard not to talk to her. Right now we're on day #1. I'm feeling very sad right now; I hope everything will be OK.

If you have read this thread through and thought about it every thing probably will be all right.

Toomai,

I know how you feel, believe me. My girlfriend of 3 1/2 years said that she needed space just a week and a half ago. Unfortunately, we are both going to be apart for at least 3 more years as I am working in Iowa and she is in Las Vegas. We both are starting new lives right now and need some time to figure out if we have a future together. She did the same thing telling me how much she loved me. She also keeps calling every other day or so, its tough not to answer. I just figure if I keep talking to her then I am making it easy for her to slowly let go of me. The only option I have is to cut off communication as much as possible. That's probably the only way for her to realize what life will be like without me in it. I'm still pretty confused myself, but hang in there. It slowly feels better and better.

All I can say Miner is DON'T ANSWER that phone... don't return her call for at least a month.

I don't think you will do this though.

She asked for the break - you give it to her.

Be a man about this.

You answer the phone and return the calls and you'll never get her back.

My girlfriend called me today and said she kissed another guy and she has feelings for him. I love her so much I am willing to forgive and move on but she doesn't know. I am very upset. I don't know what to do. Please help. This feels like a bad dream.

First off I know how you feel, I have been in that position in the past. From that experience I learned that you can't let it eat at you and eat at you. (easier said than done I know) Go out with your boys and let them take your mind off things, again easier said than done. But if your girl says she needs space then you have to give it to her. Odviously there was a reason she wanted that space and that seems pretty evident now. Even if she says that she has feelings for this guy, that doesn't mean that she loves him. If she told you that she loved you like you said she did, then my advice would be to let her mess around with this guy and have her space and when she realizes that this guy isn't you then she will come back. In the meantime this is the perfect time to figure out where you went wrong. There was a reason that she got bored with you or lost interest. Work on yourself while she is finding out that this guy can't give her what she wants, and when she comes back you can be the man that she fell in love with. And if she doesn't come back then there will be some lucky lady down the road that will get a guy that is ready to give a girl what she wants. Read wildcats post on what every guy should read... really good post! Good luck man, just don't call her whatever you do, go lift weights, go party, do something with other people. Hell start dating again.

Thank you so much. It feels better to know I'm not alone. I'm going to try and fall alseep now; I'll keep you posted on how things go tomorrow.

My girlfriend called me today and said she kissed another guy and she has feelings for him. I love her so much I am willing to forgive and move on but she doesn't know. I am very upset. I don't know what to do. Please help. This feels like a bad dream.

You are NOT alone her at all buddy. I went through the same as well... twice. I say just let her do whatever she wants as well. You don't want to be with someone that you can't trust either. I forgave and forgave my EX but it solved NOTHING. You will never trust her the same again, trust me. I say don't call, and blow her off for a while. Make HER earn you back if she wants you. Sorry to hear it bud, best of luck to you. :cool:

Well I think I found the best solution. Go rent Swingers (if you don't already own it) and watch that movie. I always loved it, but I watched it last night and it made me feel a lot better. Might help put things in perspective a little bit. Now, of course, I don't live in LA and there are not girls like Heather Graham lining up to swing dance with me. But the long distance relationship, losing the long time g-friend, etc was right on. Just find a guy like Vince Vaughn to help you hook up with new girls and you should be all set. So many things to take from that movie. Go watch it and see if you don't feel at least a little better.

New poster.

I'm having a similar problem. My girlfriend (now girlfriend-in-limbo) of 6 months called me about two weeks ago to say she thought a break would be best right now. She goes to school not an hour away, but I have no car so I can't get over there to see her very often at all (only on the occasional weekend she comes home herself). She said she's just too busy with school at the moment, feels guilty on the weekends when she goes out with her softball teammates while I have to work, and that she's never home and that just isn't fair to me. I told her that working where I do is my choice and I understand she needs a social life - I want her to have her fun when she can. I dug deeper and found out that we "never talk about much anymore" and that she feels "obligated" to make time to see/talk to me; when she has one of those rare weekends when she can come home to relax and be with her family (big home-body), she just wants to be able to come home without worrying about anything else and that she felt that wasn't fair to me either. I asked her, about twice, if she just wanted to break things off and she only reiterated that she "thinks a break would be best right now." She said I'm allowed to date other girls, and when I asked if she was interested in dating someone else, she said no; when I said I wasn't going to date anyone else if she wasn't, she said it wasn't as if it weren't a possibility. When I asked her if we were going to stay in contact or just cut things off completely, she said she hadn't decided yet. So I agreed to it, I think partially by being partly overwhelmed, and we decided to take a break until May, when school's over with and see how things go from there.

The problem is that I'm just not sure what to do in the interim. The only reason I maintain any faith in this working is that, for instance, though she has taken notice of our relationship down on Facebook, she's yet to state herself as 'Single' though she was before we were dating seriously, and believe me, she's really not the type to screw around or even want to screw around with other guys.

BTW, I know I screwed up. I got boring towards the end and let on that I was insecure (her feeling guilty, I'm realizing, was at least half-way my fault). I also did the "I dunno, what do you want to do?" sometimes, even when I knew I shouldn't have.

So far, I haven't tried to contact her in any way. I'm just confused about what I should do otherwise. Her birthday is coming up very soon - should I do anything whatsoever? It's no longer appropriate to get her anything, but should I give her a very brief, friendly phone-call or just leave her a text message or an e-mail? Or should I just 'forget' about it?

If she wants to get together this Thanksgiving weekend, should I? I'm also unsure as to whether I should try to get a hold of her this December, during that period between school semesters, to ask her if she wants this to work and see if she'll want to talk it out with me, but that sort of strikes me as trying to go back on our set period till May, though I thought I'd tell her no matter what we accomplished, we'd still remain on a break. Or, I figure, I could ask her if she just wants to go back to 'just dating' and avoid questioning whether we want to be serious again until May hits (we did this for our first school year). When I get a car, I figured I could start heading up there about once a week to see her (after/if this is over, of course) so that she doesn't feel so pressured to work me into her rare, precious 'down-time at home'.

So far so good - I haven't spoken to her nor tried, and she hasn't contacted me either. But I'm just not sure about how I should proceed. Just don't want to screw this up, if there's a chance here.

I want to say again thank you all for being here for me during this lonely time. I decided to give my girlfriend her space and to figure out her feelings for this guy. I told her that I will not touch another girl and I will be waiting for her when she figures out that I truly am the one for her. In the meantime, I am going to try some of your ideas to pass the time; go to the gym, hang out with friends, etc. I hope that this will be short term pain for long term gain.

Well I agree with all of that except one part. You might not want to get into the 'waiting for her' stage. Even if that is what you are doing, you probably don't want to go that way. Wildcat will be here soon to yell at you so I'll jump in quickly. I'd recommend telling her to let you know when she figures out what she wants, but you can't make any promises about where you will be in your life when she does. It makes her realize what is at stake. While I don't agree with everything wildcat says, the part about maintaining at least the illusion of control is important. In the meantime, keep working out and focusin on your life. That's what I'm doing anyway.

Miner is right, you can't let her know where you are going to be when she is ready. One, you don't know, some girl might come and sweep you off your feet. The best way to get her to come back is to give her space that she wants. In the meantime work on yourself and there is absolutely nothing wrong with going on innocent dates. It is a good thing, and if she finds out she will probably get jealous and realize that you aren't going to be around forever so she had better figure it out quickly if she wants to be with you.

Jolly, first off there is always a chance. You are doing the right thing by NOT contacting her. You can't fall into the trap of wondering what should I do now and call her. Things will proceed as they are supposed to. Whatever you do don't call her. If you do anything for her birthday I would suggest a card in the mail. That way she knows you are thinking about her on her special day but you are not innitiating any contact. Let her call you and thank you! As for christmas time, you can't sit around expecting her to call you and say things are fixed. Go on with your life, visit friends you haven't seen in a long time, as well as family. Don't fixate your life around waiting on her. She'll figure out I promise. You are doing the right thing by not calling. If she does by chance say that she wants to see you over the break, I wouldn't spend a lot of time with her. Keep it short and simple, don't go back to the way things were. Just keep doing what you are doing, but let her contact you when she is ready and get on with your life. Date new people, meet new friends, have fun being single again. It helps I promise. Good luck!

... any other suggestions for her birthday? At this point, I'm beginning to believe I shouldn't do anything at all.

Also, we're both on AIM a lot and lately she's done a lot of sitting there online when she should be 'away' (example, should be in bed, but suddenly comes back from being 'away'). If she IMs me, what do I do? If I say nothing, she'll just know I'm purposefully ignoring her rather than being 'too busy to reply'.

I also believe now this is partially her wanting to take the time to do whatever without having to worry about me, at least for a while. The only thing she wasn't "allowed" to do, though, was date/be intimate with other guys and she's not the type to do anything with anybody anyway, so I wonder how I fit into this. Why keep me around on in-limbo status if she wants to not have to worry about me? Why not just break up with me? Like I said earlier, I asked her twice if she just wanted to cut things off and she only kept saying she thought a break was probably the best for now.

I think way too much. :p

New poster.

I'm having a similar problem. My girlfriend (now girlfriend-in-limbo) of 6 months called me about two weeks ago to say she thought a break would be best right now. She goes to school not an hour away, but I have no car so I can't get over there to see her very often at all (only on the occasional weekend she comes home herself). She said she's just too busy with school at the moment, feels guilty on the weekends when she goes out with her softball teammates while I have to work, and that she's never home and that just isn't fair to me. I told her that working where I do is my choice and I understand she needs a social life - I want her to have her fun when she can. I dug deeper and found out that we "never talk about much anymore" and that she feels "obligated" to make time to see/talk to me; when she has one of those rare weekends when she can come home to relax and be with her family (big home-body), she just wants to be able to come home without worrying about anything else and that she felt that wasn't fair to me either. I asked her, about twice, if she just wanted to break things off and she only reiterated that she "thinks a break would be best right now." She said I'm allowed to date other girls, and when I asked if she was interested in dating someone else, she said no; when I said I wasn't going to date anyone else if she wasn't, she said it wasn't as if it weren't a possibility. When I asked her if we were going to stay in contact or just cut things off completely, she said she hadn't decided yet. So I agreed to it, I think partially by being partly overwhelmed, and we decided to take a break until May, when school's over with and see how things go from there.

The problem is that I'm just not sure what to do in the interim. The only reason I maintain any faith in this working is that, for instance, though she has taken notice of our relationship down on facebook, she's yet to state herself as 'Single' though she was before we were dating seriously, and believe me, she's really not the type to screw around or even want to screw around with other guys.

BTW, I know I screwed up. I got boring towards the end and let on that I was insecure (her feeling guilty, I'm realizing, was at least half-way my fault). I also did the "I dunno, what do you want to do?" sometimes, even when I knew I shouldn't have.

So far, I haven't tried to contact her in any way. I'm just confused about what I should do otherwise. Her birthday is coming up very soon - should I do anything whatsoever? It's no longer appropriate to get her anything, but should I give her a very brief, friendly phone-call or just leave her a text message or an e-mail? Or should I just 'forget' about it?

If she wants to get together this Thanksgiving weekend, should I? I'm also unsure as to whether or not I should try to get a hold of her this December, during that period of time between school semesters, to ask her if she wants this to work and see if she'll want to talk it out with me, but that sort of strikes me as trying to go back on our set period of time till May, though I thought I'd tell her no matter what we accomplished, we'd still remain on a break. Or, I figure, I could ask her if she just wants to go back to 'just dating' and avoid questioning whether or not we want to be serious again until May hits (we did this for our first school year). When I get a car, I figured I could start heading up there about once a week to see her (after/if this is over, of course) so that she doesn't feel so pressured to work me into her rare, precious 'down-time at home'.

So far so good - I haven't spoken to her nor tried, and she hasn't contacted me either. But I'm just not sure about how I should proceed. Just don't want to screw this up, if there's a chance here.Welcome to the forum. After reading this, you seem to be quite intelligent, so I really should not tell you to do what you probably intend to do anyway - and that is to send her a Birthday and Christmas card with meaning. You both are probably still pretty young, and will meet other people in your lives, but not like this again. When couples 'break' like you two it's due to geographical and/or school oriented difficulties and not only you 'getting boring' as you say, and you can always use a friend for life if it does not work out. I'm 55 and still stay in contact with my first boyfriend and we laugh about the past, present, and our hopes for the future. It is possible things will get closer later on, but you both need to concentrate on school, career, and other things. Time will tell if you are made for each other,until then, continue to stay friends and let her know you'll be there for her.

Good Luck in finding the right Birthday Card. Keep us posted.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZN)
P.S. We do this on our free time and really appreciate feedback if our answers/advice helped or not, please: click the Rate This Post link located on the blue date line above our names on the right side, next to the number of the post, click on Approve or Disapprove, and give a comment. Thanks!

...any other suggestions for her birthday? At this point, I'm beginning to believe I shouldn't do anything at all.

Also, we're both on AIM a lot and lately she's done a lot of sitting there online when she should be 'away' (example, should be in bed, but suddenly comes back from being 'away'). If she IMs me, what do I do? If I say nothing, she'll just know I'm purposefully ignoring her rather than being 'too busy to reply'.

I also believe now this is partially her wanting to take the time to do whatever without having to worry about me, at least for a while. The only thing she wasn't "allowed" to do, though, was date/be intimate with other guys and she's not the type to do anything with anybody anyway, so I wonder how I fit into this. Why keep me around on in-limbo status if she wants to not have to worry about me? Why not just break up with me? Like I said earlier, I asked her twice if she just wanted to cut things off and she only kept saying she thought a break was probably the best for now.

I think way too much. :p Yes you do. Put yourself in her shoes, school, probably study groups, chats (and there is nothing wrong with that, or you would not be writing us), then getting a no response, or too much response from you which will stress her out, so how would you feel? You should keep a safe distance and still let her know your are there. Is that so hard to do for you men? Are you spending time with your studies and career moves or are you 'just in limbo'. Wildcat thinks we women are clingy and pushy, but sometimes you guys take the cake. Calm down and think of the future, not just the moment!

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/10/10_1_19.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZN)Thinking too much - take some time to breathe!

P.S. We do this on our free time and really appreciate feedback if our answers/advice helped or not, please: click the Rate This Post link located on the blue date line above our names on the right side, next to the number of the post, click on Approve or Disapprove, and give a comment. Thanks!

My girlfriend called me today and said she kissed another guy and she has feelings for him. I love her so much I am willing to forgive and move on but she doesn't know. I am very upset. I don't know what to do. Please help. This feels like a bad dream. I'ts not a bad dream, it's reality. We all go through it, and it depends on how we handle it. You can go off like a bomb, or you can do some contemplation and planning on how you will handle it if she comes back to you, but if she comes back remember she's only human, and you both are young, so don't throw the past in her face. She did call you and tell you the truth, so she trusts you enough to be confident of your forgiveness once she's made up her mind. If you change your mind, will you be just as truthful to her? This is life, kiddo, and it puts us all through trials and tribulations to harden us. My 'space' lasted two years and my b/f lived right upstairs. We are reunited now and more understanding of each other than we were before, so sometimes things do work out.
At any rate, I wish you lots of luck and strength.

My girlfriend called me back and said she was truly sorry and that she realizes that I am the only one for her. I forgive her and still love her very much. We held hands and she said she won't let me go again. :) I'm off to bed now, I'll keep you all posted on how things are going soon. Thanks again for your kind and helpful words.

Anything to add here, Wildcat?

EDIT:
No disrespect to you at all, Chery - I've simply found the two of you compliment each other well and taking comments from both of you seems to be the best approach I saw when I spent a day lurking and checking the place out.

My girlfriend called me back and said she was truly sorry and that she realizes that I am the only one for her. I forgive her and still love her very much. We held hands and she said she won;t let me go again. :) I'm off to bed now, I'll keep you all posted on how things are going soon. Thanks again for your kind and helpful words. Any time, that's what we are here for, you get many choices and ideas, now it's up to you. Good Luck and keep us posted.
http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_3_18.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZN)Remember nobody's 100% perfect.
P.S. We all do this on our free time and really appreciate feedback if our answers/advice helped or not, please: click the Rate This Post link located on the blue date line above our names on the right side, next to the number of the post, click on Approve or Disapprove, and give a comment. Thanks!

I thought everything was OK, but I guess it is not. My girlfriend said she said everything was OK to make me happy. She said she felt like I was putting pressure on her. We are back to where we were a week ago. She needs to find out what makes her happy, and to figure out her feelings for this other guy. I was upset, but I knew the best thing to do was to let her have her space. If she is the one for me, she will come back; deep down I know she will. She asked me if she ever needs me will I be there for her, and I said yes; I guess that was a slight mistake on my part. She said she would understand if I saw other girls, I told her she is the only one for me, maybe not the best thing to do? (according to advise I read earlier in the thred). Anyway I went out for a long walk today to think about things. I'm going to go to church tomorrow and then spend the rest of the day at univsrsity doing work. Talk soon.

I thought everything was ok, but I guess it is not. My girlfriend said she said everything was ok to make me happy. She said she felt like I was putting pressure on her. We are back to where we were a week ago. She needs to find out what makes her happy, and to figure out her feelings for this other guy. I was upset, but I knew the best thing to do was to let her have her space. If she is the one for me, she will come back; deep down I know she will. She asked me if she ever needs me will I be there for her, and I said yes; I guess that was a slight mistake on my part. She said she would understand if I saw other girls, I told her she is the only one for me, maybe not the best thing to do? (according to advise i read earlier in the thred). Anyways I went out for a long walk today to think about things. I'm going to go to church tomorow and then spend the rest of the day at univsrsity doing work. Talk soon.You can tell her you'll be there, that's OK, but you still should see other people. You cannot and should not seclude yourself waiting for someone who might not come back. This is not fair to yourself or the one who has not found you yet, and just might be the right one. So stop centering your world around her and start living. It is possible to be 'friends' with people too, and I think you should start getting used to this idea. So go out and meet people and start living for goodness sake. You are young, and will probably go through this more times than you will like, but it's a part of life we all go through. Keep us posted and have some fun, please...

Wow.. I felt like I was going to go crazy today. I went to church for the first time in quite a while. I could not get my girlfriend out of my head. It is SO hard to not talk to her. I think that today she blocked me on MSN. I'm going to have to try and move on, otherwise I'll go insane. I will try to meet new people and go out more, it's very stressful though since I'm going through exam period. I will have to move on, and hopefully if she comes back than that's great. She said yesterday she still loves me and feels horrible for doing this, but again, like you said I can't just sit around obsessing about her. Talk soon.

Wow.. I felt like I was going to go crazy today. I went to church for the first time in quite a while. I could not get my girlfriend out of my head. It is SO hard to not talk to her. I think that today she blocked me on MSN. I'm going to have to try and move on, otherwise I'll go insane. I will try to meet new people and go out more, it's very stressful though since I'm going through exam period. I will have to move on, and hopefully if she comes back than that's great. She said yesterday she still loves me and feels horrible for doing this, but again, like you said I can't just sit around obsessing about her. Talk soon.Like I said, please go on with your life, and don't blame your school failures on her, or you'll start blaming all future relationships on any other mishaps that crop up, and that is using a crutch instead of facing the fact that it's all a part of life, getting to know new people, good or bad, and dealing with it. You will meet other people throughout your life, so gather yourself together and get to know your real self, before clinging to someone new right away. Reflect on what you want for your future, even if alone, you need this. I know holiday season is depressive when alone, but we all go through it and survive - and you must do the same. Concentrate you YOUR future, then you can share it with others. Good luck and keep us posted if you need further help. She said what she did because she wants to feel guiltless, so don't waste your time with her anymore, not healthy!
http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/8/8_2_99.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZN)This time of year, take lots of vitamins and minerals to keep your body strong, then the mind will follow. Again, good luck.

I have read all these posts, they seem like good advice. I must say this is by far the hardest thing I have ever done. My girlfriend and I dated all throughout college (a 5 year program), but every 3 months we were separated in different cities for co-op. We lasted through most of those periods, but broke up twice (I;d say 1 1/2 times) but always got back together. I dated 1 person while we were broken up over a co-op. Then graduation came around and she moved away for a job. I wasn't sure if I was ready to make that step yet, so I broke it off for what turned out to be 6 months. Again, I dated someone else. The entire time we dated, we lived together, and it worked out great. We are best friends and I moved to be with her again and she took me back. Now, 9 months after she took me back, she broke it off. She said she couldn't do it anymore and that there was too much baggage. The baggage came from the 2 breakups and the mistake I made of telling her everything. I told her if I kissed a couple girls in a bars when I was drunk because while it was meaningless it made me feel terrible. Honestly, I am not surprised she broke up with me. I allowed her to lose interest and wasn't being the kind of person she deserves.

We were living together still when she broke up with me - I acted really desperate at first (crap) but then gave her more space as time went on. We still had to talk about practical things like her bills showing up here, negotiating times for her to come back to the apt to get stuff, or for custody of our friends. She says she wants to be part of my life at some point but must heal first. She wants me to move on, and clearly has moved on herself. I actually don't even know if she is still paying rent (we have 1 other roommate who she also works with) but I am willing to allow her to keep her stuff (she took everything she needs to her sisters or possibly new boyfriends house to live there for now) here and I am still sleeping in her bed. I got new sheets and try not to focus on everything surrounding me - after 6 years you pretty much share everything you own with that person.

I made a lot of changes in my life due to this. I stopped drinking and acting like an *** and went back to the great person I used to be. She has noticed and I think is impressed with how I am living my life now. But she asked for total cut-off so that she can heal because when I would "peep" into her life she would get sad because I was sad or miss me. So after finding this post I decided I really did have to do what I was trying to do, cut off all contact for as long as it takes. I told all the mistakes I made, how I was going to fix them, and how I had changed my life. It has been 7 weeks since she broke it off, but I am just now cutting off all contact. It is impossible to not be scared she will run off with this new person, I always hear horror stories of long time relationships followed by quick marriages. But it is out of my hands I guess...

I have read all these posts, they seem like good advice. I must say this is by far the hardest thing I have ever done. My girlfriend and I dated all throughout college (a 5 year program), but every 3 months we were separated in different cities for co-op. We lasted through most of those periods, but broke up twice (I;d say 1 1/2 times) but always got back together. I dated 1 person while we were broken up over a co-op. Then graduation came around and she moved away for a job. I wasn't sure if I was ready to make that step yet, so I broke it off for what turned out to be 6 months. Again, I dated someone else. The entire time we dated, we lived together, and it worked out great. We are best friends and I moved to be with her again and she took me back. Now, 9 months after she took me back, she broke it off. She said she couldn't do it anymore and that there was too much baggage. The baggage came from the 2 breakups and the mistake I made of telling her everything. I told her if I kissed a couple girls in a bars when I was drunk because while it was meaningless it made me feel terrible. Honestly, I am not surprised she broke up with me. I allowed her to lose interest and wasn't being the kind of person she deserves.

One thing good for you both is that you did not get married. You admitted allowing her to lose interest and your drinking, also your affairs. Those, dear were your 'three strikes' and you are OUT. This is only my opinion, but I think she planned to drop you, and waited until it was convenient for her and is just 'still friendly' because you still have some of her stuff and she want's it back, but at her pace. If at all possible, cancel the lease, move your stuff, and get another place. Let her stuff stay there, give up the keys, and let the landlord handle the rest of the problems, i.e. if she does not pay for the storage of the remainder of her stuff, he can put it out on the street. This is the only way for you to make a 'clean break' and go on with your life. You obviously will not have a problem meeting new women, as you got along fine with at least two of them during the short breaks, so let her go, and make her take the responsibility of her actions. You were straight up with her, so it's her turn to be straight up and make a 'clean break'. She punished you enough, and now she needs to stop 'paying you back' for being truthful. You did hurt her, but she has managed to turn this around and make you take up all of the guilt. Again, this is for her convenience only, not your's so drop it all in her court and start a new life. We women know how to hurt you back, and can take a lot until we do, but enough is enough. I wish you all the best no matter what your' choice. Keep us posted and let us know what your progress looks like. P.S. Proud you stopped drinking, it's not good to use that as a crutch, so don't start again, OK? Hang in there, it can only get better from now on, and believe or not, you deserve a chance to be happy too. And I'm sure the next young lady will benefit from you not making the same mistakes again.


http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_15_5.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZN)Enjoy the holidays and look forward to a new year..
P.S. We all do this on our free time and really appreciate feedback if our answers/advice helped or not, please click the Rate This Post link located on the blue date line above our names on the right side, next to the number of the post, click on Approve or Disapprove, and give a comment. Thanks!

The possibility of getting a new place in Boston would cause me financial problems out the wazoo. She made the break so it is up to her to find a new place. I just felt that to keep thing cordial and avoid a messy break-up I would be nice about letting her keep her stuff around. Will I box it up, yeah, soon enough. Right now I think I am strong enough to be around it. One of her biggest issues right now is that her home is sooooo important to her, she is really having a hard time not having one. In fact, I think I am much further along in the coping phase than she is. I want to tell her it is because everyday I am focused on becoming a better person while she is distracting herself with her new boy and not focusing on healing. At the same time, I realize it is not my place to say that, she must learn for herself.

It is funny to love but not be IN love, as the case is for her.

Also - now don't get mad - but a lot of people seem to think there is a big difference in cheating when it comes to kissing someone and sleeping with someone. I disagree, it is the same lack of control, just different levels, but you would be surprised the bad advice that is out there (not referring to anyone on these boards). Example, my mom told me to send her flowers at work right after this happened. Wow that would have been bad. People at her work that knew about the break up and her new boy, who works there, oof, she would really hate me had I followed that advice. I messed up enough sending her colleague at work a thank you card that I unfortunately told him how I felt for in within. I am so much smarter than I was 6 weeks ago. She really pushed back after that one.

I just felt that to keep thing cordial and avoid a messy break-up I would be nice about letting her keep her stuff around. Will I box it up, yeah, soon enough. Right now I think I am strong enough to be around it. One of her biggest issues right now is that her home is sooooo important to her, she is really having a hard time not having one. In fact, I think I am much further along in the coping phase than she is.

Keeping it out and around is helping you cope with your loneliness, and she'll probably come back to the home environment if he can't come up with something better for her - and this is probably what you hope will happen. No matter what you choose, hope you get to your goal in one piece. Good luck and happy holidays.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/8/8_2_99.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZN)

Thanks Chery. I have been having a really sad day all day. Your post cheered me up. I put up a christmas tree today. She sure would love it if she saw it, a little natural tree in a tall glass vase with sand and cranberries. Have a great holiday too. They are going to be hard, but everyday I wake up with intentions of becoming a better person than I was the day before.

I got her Christmas gifts but I think I am just going to wrap them up and put them away, they would be really useful for her and she would like them, but until she can see me again, which could take years, they will lie dormant. Too bad you can't return iPod shuffles once they are engraved (live free : live happy).

Thanks Chery. I have been having a really sad day all day. Your post cheered me up. I put up a christmas tree today. She sure would love it if she saw it, a little natural tree in a tall glass vase with sand and cranberries. Have a great holiday too. They are going to be hard, but everyday I wake up with intentions of becoming a better person than i was the day before.

I got her Christmas gifts but I think I am just going to wrap them up and put them away, they would be really useful for her and she would like them, but until she can see me again, which could take years, they will lie dormant. Too bad you can't return ipod shuffles once they are engraved (live free : live happy).You too dear, and please don't get into the depression rut that happens this time of the year. Get out and spend time with your family and make new friends, or go to another town just to see a different locale. The decorations are usually a nice way to start..

Hey everyone, me and my girlfriend haven't spoke in about a week. Today was supposed to be our 2nd anniversary. Should I say anything to her or keep giving her her space and see if she say anything?

No. Your best bet is not to give her anything or even say happy anniversary. That will really get to her. :D

Hey everyone, me and my girlfriend haven't spoke in about a week. Today was supposed to be our 2nd anniversary. Should I say anything to her or keep giving her her space and see if she say anything?I'd leave it alone and let her make the first step. She's the one who kept you on a 'string' for her own convenience, so don't let her rule the remainder of your prescious time. In my opinion, you deserve better and hope you get it together soon. Good luck dear, and keep that head up!

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/new/8_22/23_50_3.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZN)Don't let her get under your skin again - a bad itch!

After a little over three weeks, she IMed me. First time either of us had contacted each other since the break's beginning. Obviously, it'd seem like I was ignoring her, so I responded. She thanked me for the card and proved that she was keeping track of my away messages by asking about subject matter I had put up once. Kept the conversation light-hearted and friendly, and without either of us bringing up the relationship the entire time, I ended the conversation myself, telling her it was good to hear from her, but I was going to go relax.

Haven't spoken since then (been a week or so), and the entire time she's put up her own away messages saying things like she knew something "shouldn't bother her, but it [did]", and stuff related to looking back on the past and trying to focus on the future, moving on type stuff.

Should I try to get a hold of her? I sometimes get the feeling that she may think I'm pissed off or something and not speaking to her. I'm just unsure what to do at this point and I feel like things with her are slipping away rather than progressing in any sort of positive way. I feel like trying to force her into contacting might be a bad move with this one. Any help? Should I just stay the course?

After a little over three weeks, she IMed me. First time either of us had contacted each other since the break's beginning. Obviously, it'd seem like I was ignoring her, so I responded. She thanked me for the card and proved that she was keeping track of my away messages by asking about subject matter I had put up once. Kept the conversation light-hearted and friendly, and without either of us bringing up the relationship the entire time, I ended the conversation myself, telling her it was good to hear from her, but I was going to go relax.

Haven't spoken since then (been a week or so), and the entire time she's put up her own away messages saying things like she knew something "shouldn't bother her, but it [did]", and stuff related to looking back on the past and trying to focus on the future, moving on type stuff.

Should I try to get a hold of her? I sometimes get the feeling that she may think I'm pissed off or something and not speaking to her. I'm just unsure what to do at this point and I feel like things with her are slipping away rather than progressing in any sort of positive way. I feel like trying to force her into contacting might be a bad move with this one. Any help? Should I just stay the course? Dear, she's the one who wanted the 'break', and you did send her the card - yes? So, you did the best you could to take the first step, and she is still confused at this point. Give it time and let her make the first move now. IMs are OK, but phone calls are better, and she should now decide her next move, not you. If you are destined to lose her, it will happen sooner or later, and there is nothing you can do about it. She does know you care about her, and it will not hurt her to think you are peeved, after all you have feelings too and it's time she realizes this. The ball is in her 'court' now, so hold on if you can and don't rush things. Keep your self-respect, and she'll respect you. Keep us posted.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_15_7.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZN)Happy Holidays!

I am in a similar situation, and need some advice. I have been dating my ex for over 3 years. We were on a break for about a month and a half. Well the whole situation started when we went to her sisters wedding. A week later we got in an argument, that led to her crying. She then had a heart to heart with me saying how much she loved me and needed me in her life, and that she wanted to marry me. She also said she wanted to look at rings. So we went that week to look at rings. She was very excited and seemed happy, but a couple weeks later things went down hill and I could tell. She just did not seem happy, not just with me but with school, and work etc. So we decided to go on a break. But our breaks wernt really breaks, we saw each other the same. Slept in the same bed every night still and so-on. She went home for thanksgiving, and this is when she realized she wanted a breakup. She says she loves me but just needs to find herself. She kept saying how this would be good for us in the long run, and that if we are meant to be we will be. So we broke up 2 weeks ago. It was very very hard for me at first. For the first couple of days I tried to get in contact with her, just because I felt that I needed to talk to her. Then from Tuesday to Saturday I did not talk to her, and called her on Sunday. We got in a huge argument because she said she was not ready to even talk to me yet. After that from Monday to Sunday we did not talk. She then signed on to AOL, and asked if she could call me. She then called and was talking about our cell phone issue(because we are on the same plan). She then started asking me how I was doing, and thanked me for giving her space, and that we can talk soon to see if we are going to be friends or whatever. I am doing better now. I need some advice. Do I wait again for her to get in contact with me? Thanks

Okay what you did the first time you broke up was a huge mistake. You should have separated yourself from her and went out and got to know someother people. You do seem like you now understand space just a teeny little bit. Yet you should have never made the attempt to contact her. When us women say space we mean complete and total space meaning we don't want to hear you or see your face until we are done. Wait for her to call you. Do not call her. Let her call you. If she doesn't call you back for a few weeks do not try to call her even then as that is her way of testing you because females love to test. You sit back, relax, hangout with the friends, grab a couple beers, get you a playboy, watch the game. Little missy will call you when she calls you. I wish you luck and hope the best for you.

I am in a similar situation, and need some advice. I have been dating my ex for over 3 years. We were on a break for about a month and a half. Well the whole situation started when we went to her sisters wedding. A week later we got in an argument, that led to her crying. She then had a heart to heart with me saying how much she loved me and needed me in her life, and that she wanted to marry me. She also said she wanted to look at rings. So we went that week to look at rings. She was very excited and seemed happy, but a couple weeks later things went down hill and i could tell. She just did not seem happy, not just with me but with school, and work ect. So we decided to go on a break. But our breaks wernt really breaks, we saw each other the same. Slept in the same bed everynight still and so-on. She went home for thanksgiving, and this is when she realized she wanted a breakup. She says she loves me but just needs to find herself. She kept saying how this would be good for us in the long run, and that if we are meant to be we will be. So we broke up 2 weeks ago. It was very very hard for me at first. For the first couple of days I tried to get in contact with her, just because I felt that i needed to talk to her. then from tuesday to saturday i did not talk to her, and called her on sunday. We got in a huge argument because she said she was not ready to even talk to me yet. After that from monday to sunday we did not talk. She then signed on to aol, and asked if she could call me. She then called and was talking about our cell phone issue(because we are on the same plan). she then started asking me how i was doing, and thanked me for giving her space, and that we can talk soon to see if we are going to be friends or whatever. I am doing better now. I need some advice. do I wait again for her to get in contact with me? ThanksDid you go with her to look at rings out of some type of obligation or compensation? It could also be that you did not show as much enthusiasm about it as she expected, either that, or she's getting cold feet about it. This happened shortly after a wedding and this gets all girls emotional and they feel left out, or that they are missing something. Maybe you did not show the reassurance she wanted at this time. Wait until she calls you again, when her feet are on the ground again, and she realizes that she's not in a dream world where everything is perfect. Just have some patience, and good luck!

Well, I've found out she's dating other people now, or trying to anyway, setting up a myspace account and actively adding and accepting new male 'friends' all the time (not seeking serious relationships, though). I also get a slight feeling that she's hiding it from me - her other website profiles still say nothing about having any interest in dating anybody and she's done nothing to advertise her myspace on these other websites as people are prone to do. I'm also on myspace and she's not bothered to try and add me as a friend, for example, though she knows full well I'm on it (she has added other pre-existing friends). The girl still talks to me now and again, she lets about two weeks go by before contacting me again, though never by phone; it's always through instant messages. She just IMed me last night, in fact, but like always, all we had was a short, casual conversation where I pretty much stick to being sarcastic and funny and we talk about nothing approaching meaningful or important. She still looks up my blog postings and whatnot as well. I've only initiated contact twice: once by phone over winter break just to see how she was doing and once a week after that by IM - other than that, it's been all her.

I'm just not sure what to do; I don't know exactly how to take it. It's not exactly against "the rules" of our "break" for her to date other people, nor is it for me, but I can't help but feel she's being a little underhanded about it, especially when she told me she was going to be too busy this semester for our relationship, one of the reasons for the break. I understand she doesn't have to tell me anything and I respect that, but I just have a weird feeling about it. I can't tell if this is her wanting some time to do her own thing for a while (I think she would have just told me that, however, if that's true) or if she only wanted to let me down easy and is now stringing me along, though I never figured her for the type of person to do that sort of thing. I can't tell if this is some sort of test or if she's sitting there waiting for me to do something - I can't make myself believe that, however.

I'm trying to figure out if I should just continue to let this ride, pretending I don't know she's trying to date around and see if May actually happens, just cut her off completely and forget her (as my friends seem to believe), or if I should try to initiate some sort of meaningful conversation beyond the casual "Hey, how are you doing?" stuff. She'll also be out of school for a short week here soon and I was considering asking her if she wanted to hang out for a bit just casually, but now with this new discovery I don't know if it's such a good idea anymore... or if it may now be more crucial that I do.

Tried to handle this myself but I've hit a road-block. Please, any ideas? :|

Hi. Sometimes distance/absence makes the heart grow fonder... So give her all the space she neeeeeeddddsssss! If its meant to be you'll will find you'rlls way back together... if not, then there's plenty of fish in the sea.

Okay so sorry if I'm totally repeating what someone might have already said.. but I'm kind of in a hurry but I read over your post and thought it would be nice to leave my thoughts.

One... The whole break thing.. Okay.. I could be totally off base... but I think I'm pretty right on... she's saying that she doesn't want to break up.. that she just wants a break.. and she says that you haven't been the best boyfriend yada yada.. okay I'm pretty sure that since she is sooooo hooked on this whole break thing.. but doesn't want to leave you... its a scream for attention... she wants to give you a little taste of how it would be like if she were gone.. and you lost her. Since she doesn't want to leave you, I would say your best bet is to just leave her alone.. completely... no calls.. emails.. instant messages, texts.. NOTHING! I think I actually saw I few other people post the same suggestion. Coming from a girl who hasn't done this to someone... but knows a lot of girlfriends who do it all the time.. she doesn't want to lose you, but she wants to you wake up.. get back to how things were before when she was the center of your universe.. and yes I think she may be acting a little selfish what with you being in school and playing ball.. and I'm sure when she was in school that was her number one priority.. sometime's it's difficult for people to see the same situation reversed... where they are the ones getting the ****ty end of the stick..

And if you can actually hold out and not talk to her for awhile... I can bet she will get ahold of you.. and when she does.. don't act as though you have been a total wreck without her.. just let know that you've been thinking about her, you miss her, and MAKE SURE you ask her what her thoughts have been since the whole break thing was enforced... if you seem as though you're really interested in what she has to say... then she thinks that she's gotten the best of you... but that's as long as you don't cry.. and beg for her forgiveness.. that way you still have your pride, and you didn't bend over backward to get her back in your arms.. a relationship is 50-50 right?. no its 100-100.. you got to give your all and so does she.. one person can't ruin/fix a relationship, it takes ruining/fixing from both sides.. even if its only one person doing things incorrectly.. it's the other person who let it go on until they snapped. A big part of a good relationship is communication.. and when there is none... thats when these unexpected "breaks" happen.. and then you're sitting there scratching your head saying.. "what the f#%*?!"

Maybe with this time apart you can really think about what's been happening... and maybe the two of you can talk about what you like and dislike.. and what you want to change.. and try to come to a middle ground. These are just my suggestions and opinions.. I wish you the best.. and let me know how the two of you make out... best of luck with everything

-Amber <3

Well, I've found out she's dating other people now, or trying to anyway, setting up a myspace account and actively adding and accepting new male 'friends' all the time (not seeking serious relationships, though). I also get a slight feeling that she's hiding it from me - her other website profiles still say nothing about having any interest in dating anybody and she's done nothing to advertise her myspace on these other websites as people are prone to do. I'm also on myspace and she's not bothered to try and add me as a friend, for example, though she knows full well I'm on it (she has added other pre-existing friends). The girl still talks to me now and again, she lets about two weeks go by before contacting me again, though never by phone; it's always through instant messages. She just IMed me last night, in fact, but like always, all we had was a short, casual conversation where I pretty much stick to being sarcastic and funny and we talk about nothing approaching meaningful or important. She still looks up my blog postings and whatnot as well. I've only initiated contact twice: once by phone over winter break just to see how she was doing and once a week after that by IM - other than that, it's been all her.

I'm just not sure what to do; I don't know exactly how to take it. It's not exactly against "the rules" of our "break" for her to date other people, nor is it for me, but I can't help but feel she's being a little underhanded about it, especially when she told me she was going to be too busy this semester for our relationship, one of the reasons for the break. I understand she doesn't have to tell me anything and I respect that, but I just have a weird feeling about it. I can't tell if this is her wanting some time to do her own thing for a while (I think she would have just told me that, however, if that's true) or if she only wanted to let me down easy and is now stringing me along, though I never figured her for the type of person to do that sort of thing. I can't tell if this is some sort of test or if she's sitting there waiting for me to do something - I can't make myself believe that, however.

I'm trying to figure out if I should just continue to let this ride, pretending I don't know she's trying to date around and see if May actually happens, just cut her off completely and forget her (as my friends seem to believe), or if I should try to initiate some sort of meaningful conversation beyond the casual "Hey, how are you doing?" stuff. She'll also be out of school for a short week here soon and I was considering asking her if she wanted to hang out for a bit just casually, but now with this new discovery I don't know if it's such a good idea anymore... or if it may now be more crucial that I do.

Tried to handle this myself but I've hit a road-block. Please, any ideas? :|If she is just emailing with new 'friends' then maybe she just wants to check on what others think about relationships in general and want advice - just like you. If she is physically meeting new people, and you know this, then avoid her for a while, make new friends and see if this gets a reaction from her. Don't sit alone at home and do nothing. Get out and have some fun, show her that she is NOT the center of your world. If things get cold, then move on - you are young enough - and when young and not gained enough experience and/or friends, you'll miss something that you'll regret not having tested later on in life. Whatever choice you make, I wish you all the best and please keep us posted. I would not ask her to 'hang out' - stick to your guns and make her take the first step toward you.


http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZN)Personal growth and experience is better than virtual reality, but can hurt a little now and then.

Wildcat nailed it on the head, SHE was the one asking for the space so don't call her. Its funny how people say they need their space but when its given to them they all of a sudden want to call you again. Oh please. Whne you ask for a break from someone you better be sure that is what you want, because if its not, and you start calling again, it makes you look like a real jack---. Listen you are young, I'm sure thare are plenty of woman who would love to go out with you. And how do you know she is the right one for you, five years down the line, or sooner, you could be married and miserable and meet a woman who would have been perfect for you.
Please don't get married or engaged any time soon, you'll have plenty of time for that. Enjoy your youth. Take it from a girl who never got to enjoy her early twenties due to a marrige and a baby.

how can I sign off of this so I dont get stuff from this matter here anymore on my email, if my dad sees this, Im in trouble.On the very first blue line , above where the threads start and our name is, there is also a line that states Thread tools, click on there and you'll see unsubscribe from this thread, click that and you're set.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZN)You really should not subscribe to things your parents don't think you are ready for yet, trust them - you'll be better off.

K now its my turn. My girlfriend just did this to me yesterday and well I felt like crap. After reading this I feel WAY BETTER. My question is though I know she wants her space and we are both in university. Except we are in 2 of the same classes, now I know I can sit away. But what about the bus. We take the same bus home. Should I take a later one, or sit as far away as I can. I know to give her her space I just don't want to give her the wrong idea where as *ohh maybe he hates me now* and stuff like that. Much appreciated you guys are literally my savious.

Ill type out what she texted me and you guys can take a shot at what she is saying to me

*I have to be honest with u, I need to clear my head and I need to be alone I feel like right now things are overwhelming and I need to be single*

I feel crapier than a toilet

alright so I have read a few previous posts about similar questions and have read good advice, now here is my situation. I am 20 years old a college football player, and my girlfriend is 22 years old, graduated and in her first year as a nurse 45 minutes away from me. We have been together for almost a year now, we lived together over the summer and everything has been amazing until this past week. We were planning on getting engaged within the next month or so. Anyway, the other day after we had been fighting she told me that she needed some space, I said okay and gave it to her the best i could. Wondering what was going on of course, I asked her some questions, like what is wrong and that sort of thing. She said that I haven't been the best boyfriend the past couple of months and that she needed to think about what she wanted because this isn't what she pictured our relationship to be like and she feels like she doesn't have a life where she lives and has no friends. so she has been going out with coworkers and friends and going out and having a good time which is awesome. Now granted and admittedly i haven't been the best boyfriend, she has practically been keeping our relationship going by driving up to see me all the time, literally! Now, i play football and my schedule doesn't really allow me to go and see her very often at all, but she knows that I go up there any chance i get and I am planning on moving in with her over christmas break and over the summer. However yesterday she called and said that we needed to take a break. I don't know what to think about this at all. She said that she DOES NOT want to break up but she just needs to think about things and she needs her space. Now i have been trying to be my old self like when we started dating, i have been trying to do all of the little things that made her fall in love with me, basically i got lazy in our relationship and I truly want to fix it but it is like she doesn't want me to fix it right now. I am confused and lost and need some of that good advice you folks have been dishing out.
First question u love her right and u told her all this and gave her your all

Wow I feel right at home in this forum. Please feel free to offer your opinion as I'm sure it will be the same advice that everyone else has giving.
My girlfriend broke up with me beofre she left for a 3 month internship to Va. There was mulitiple reasons, the 2 major ones were that she didn't want to deal with a long distance relationship while she had school to worry about and the second was that she felt I didn't give enough effort.
So as the normal story goes, about a week before she left I cried and begged until she was gone, the begged some more after she had left until about 3 days later I asked her what she wanted to do and she said she didn't like things the way they were and we got back together. All was fine, I went to see her and then the following 2 weeks were great, at least I thought. I had went into over kill mode with the hunnies and I love yous. Well she called one night and told me that she was hanging out with some new guy and they were nothing more than friends as of right now but she felt guilty so she wanted to break things off again. Once again I sunk to the bottom of the barrell and cried and called and drove her nuts with my mixed emotions. All the while people were telling me to leave her alone.
As of yesterday I went on the no contact rule at least to save myself the heart ache. HERE is the twist. She still says she loves me just does not know what's going on in her head. She is my neighbor so in 2 months we will be seeing a lot of each other again. I suppose what I want to know is if I should put some good convorsations between us before I start the No contact or should I just let it ride. Im stubborn and will do what it takes to make things work if she wants it to, but I have a long 2 months ahead of me and I'm not ready to just say see you later. SO GIRLS, does the no contact thing really work or does it make you eventually saw screw it he does not care anymore. Hope someone can provide some positive input.

Give her the time she asked for.

No Contact will not only help you remember that you had a life before her, but will also help her feel that you are man enough to respect her wishes instead of a needy, clingy, wuss.

Take this opportunity to collect yourself, plan a future with or without her, but leave her the space. Loving someone is not only being with them all the time - you need to trust her and trust yourself.

Right now you are just scared of losing her if she does not see you all the time - that's insecurity talking.

Good luck, and stay with us - let her make the next move and accept it as it is.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_11_2.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZSYYYYYYMXDE)

Space? The final frontier man... women and their charades. Never sure of anything, always getting bored, running from one emotion to the next. Welcome to being a guy... but I wouldn't have it any other way. I know way too many women who are straight shooters, old school and fundamentally sound who CANNOT STAND these new era women who are so wishy-washy, unstable and in constant need of attention. Move on and find a stable woman - you owe this to yourself.