romantic soul
Nov 6, 2007, 05:02 PM
I met online M two-and-a-half years ago. We immediately had a very deep, soulful connection through words, poems, and art, the philosophies and insights we shared. We both were writers, and reading one another's words was like reading our own.
Our relationship progressed from pen pals, to meeting one another in person. He was from England, and I from the US.
When I met him in person, things did not go very well. He didn't seem to have any emotional expression at all-- a condition I learned as "flat affect." He also had huge emotional outbursts like cutting himself, leaving me on roadsides, threatening suicide, name-calling, pushing me out of a car, temper tantrums if I went out with my girlfriend, and more. His responses were instigated if something didn't go as planned, for instance, if he could not roller skate as well as he thought he could, or if I made a complaint about the distant way he was behaving.
Despite all this, we felt like we could work through these things, and later down the road, I helped him go through the arduous task of securing a visa to stay in the US as a student.
Although I loved him deeply, he was just not able to be present emotionally at all--We fought all the time, and I was always blamed. He suffered a lot of abuse as a child, and I tried to help him heal some of his inner pain. But things just didn't get better.
Little over a week ago, he met a woman one night, was there to listen to her as she described a break-up with her boyfriend--they kissed and held one another all night, and the next day he decided he wanted to leave me.
Even though we had so many problems, I was absolutely devastated, because even that night he met her, he was telling me we were twin flames, and he could never ever be apart from me.
I have been healing slowly, but in a lot of pain from the loss of this mystical sense of why were were together, and all the profund, and eerily similar thoughts and words we had shared.
Two days ago he wrote to me and asked if I was "still there" and expressed some regret over past behaviours. I wrote back this moring a brief email thanking him for all the things he had done for me, and that I respected his soul-journey and was grateful to have walked a little ways with him in our earth travels.
Now I am hurting all over again, because of this contact, for the wounds are still very fresh, and I wish I could speak to him--our break-up came abruptly and over the phone, and I feel very empty inside, hurt and betrayed.
I wonder if I sounded too cold in my email? If I should have not written back? If I should have revealed more feelings? I kept it terse because I didn't want to be vulnerable, but I do wish to be his friend in some way. I fear now I pushed him away. I don't know what to do, and how to heal from this.
Our relationship progressed from pen pals, to meeting one another in person. He was from England, and I from the US.
When I met him in person, things did not go very well. He didn't seem to have any emotional expression at all-- a condition I learned as "flat affect." He also had huge emotional outbursts like cutting himself, leaving me on roadsides, threatening suicide, name-calling, pushing me out of a car, temper tantrums if I went out with my girlfriend, and more. His responses were instigated if something didn't go as planned, for instance, if he could not roller skate as well as he thought he could, or if I made a complaint about the distant way he was behaving.
Despite all this, we felt like we could work through these things, and later down the road, I helped him go through the arduous task of securing a visa to stay in the US as a student.
Although I loved him deeply, he was just not able to be present emotionally at all--We fought all the time, and I was always blamed. He suffered a lot of abuse as a child, and I tried to help him heal some of his inner pain. But things just didn't get better.
Little over a week ago, he met a woman one night, was there to listen to her as she described a break-up with her boyfriend--they kissed and held one another all night, and the next day he decided he wanted to leave me.
Even though we had so many problems, I was absolutely devastated, because even that night he met her, he was telling me we were twin flames, and he could never ever be apart from me.
I have been healing slowly, but in a lot of pain from the loss of this mystical sense of why were were together, and all the profund, and eerily similar thoughts and words we had shared.
Two days ago he wrote to me and asked if I was "still there" and expressed some regret over past behaviours. I wrote back this moring a brief email thanking him for all the things he had done for me, and that I respected his soul-journey and was grateful to have walked a little ways with him in our earth travels.
Now I am hurting all over again, because of this contact, for the wounds are still very fresh, and I wish I could speak to him--our break-up came abruptly and over the phone, and I feel very empty inside, hurt and betrayed.
I wonder if I sounded too cold in my email? If I should have not written back? If I should have revealed more feelings? I kept it terse because I didn't want to be vulnerable, but I do wish to be his friend in some way. I fear now I pushed him away. I don't know what to do, and how to heal from this.