I've been dating this guy for about 3 months. I am a single mother, our first date he took me and my daughter out to eat. Things were great, we have an unbelievable amount of things in common, we both wanted the same things in life and a relationship, we have the same family backgrounds. He is great with my daughter. We can talk for 3-4 hours and the conversation is great. He's said that he's never been able to talk with someone like this. He said that he feels comfortable with me and loves being with me and my daughter. We talked about doing things together next summer and over the holidays. He said that he reallly wants this realationship to work and last. He lives about an hour away so we would mostly talk on the phone or email during the week and see each other a few times on the weekend.

We both had some bad past experiences in relationships. I've had a few issues with letting him get close sometimes and will shut down at times. We have talked about this and he said that he understands me.

Then all of the sudden he doesn't call or return my calls for 3 days. When he does he says that he thinks that we should just be friends. He said that he doesn't think that he can put all that is required into making a relationship work. He said that he still feels the way he said he did about me but right now he didn't see it working. He said that if we are still friends that he would love for us to still talk and do things together and he may break and want to give this his all in a few weeks or months but that he doesn't know and can't guarantee anything. And so where things go from here is up to me.

What should I do and or think? I don't know if I can just be friends with him because of the emotional feelings that I have towards him. If there is a chance that this might work out I would love more than anything to give it my all.

I did some of the same with my wife when we were dating, with some differences.

I was getting ready to leave town and start all over, after a terrible breakup and my putting off additional schooling after college, in part, for a girl I was dating. Bad idea.

anyway, I started dating my wife, who had a child who was turning 13. The daughter didn't care for me, mostly because I gave her too much room (interpreted as my not caring about her), because her mothers ex went psycho (fired from his job for all but stalking her), and because she was crazy with hormones. Man... 13-16 is rough with a kid.

anyway, her mother and I hit it off. Id warned her that I was planning on leaving town and itd have to be a distance relationship, which she agreed she understood. Until she changed her mind. At which point I stepped back.

I felt like I was getting in too deep, about to change my life again for another person, and having a child means you just don't screw around so much... it just amps up the "seriousness" of the relationship I guess...

around thankgiving I took off for KC to see extended family, knowing shed be with her father and brother... didn't call... needed time away. Man she was pi$$ed. I wasn't trying to be mean to her... wasn't trying to hurt her... I just needed the space.

after two months of "are we or arent we dating" we met for what we both thought would be the "big, final breakup" dinner. Went the other direction, we both realized it could work... and we compromised... which of course means I did what she wanted and stayed in town. =) I hate "compromising" sometimes...

so my story has a happy ending. I can't promise that for you.

I can tell you I almost did the same thing once before... dated a young woman with a child and got waaaayyyy too deep too fast. I was younger and just not ready to be a parent... that relationship ended with my stepping back. Just not ready and it was too intense too fast.

my suggestion isn't a fun one. You don't want to be a friend right? You want something more... then you can't be his "buddy"... you can't hang with him and be a shoulder. You have to let him know you are too interested to pretend he's a pal at this time, and if he's not ready to be with you then you need to step back.

he might not chase you. If he doesn't, you need to know it sooner than later. If you play the part of his buddy then he will not really know what its like to be without you. If he does change his mind, its likely he's realized there's more there than he can walk away from.

I know its tough. I know it seems like hanging on and being available is acceptable since you think you want to be with him... and maybe a little is OK... maybe... but he has essentially told you he's not committed to you and he isn't actively chasing you anymore.

that's not enough.

you want him to pursue you. You need him to need you. And the only way to get him to do that is to not be his buddy. You don't have to be cold. You don't have to be mean. But you also don't need to support him through the "breakup" stage. Maybe he will change his mind. Maybe he won't.

as I said... once I stepped back and never went back. Once I stepped back and did, and then was, and am, married.

Thanks for the advice!! I think I'll do what you said and just sit and wait. He's in the army and is going out of town for a week so it will help out.

It was just so weird all of the sudden. He told me to think about it and let him know what I thought. He said that if he didn't hear anything from me then he would know what my answer is by default. Should I send him a message or call to tell him that I don't want to just be friends??

I can't make that call... you have to decide what you are willing to settle for... most people who think they can be friends after dating could use some away time to get disconnected...

But doesn't sound like you are there yet... meaning you are still in between... and if anything you're leaning toward more than friends. I guess the complication is that he's making it your decision... so what is it? Can you just be friends or would you rather it be more or nothing? There's no wrong answer.

If you really want to know if there's more I guess id tell him that you are interested in more, not in being just friends, and he's going to have to decide he's willing to pursue you... meaning he's going to have to make the move... and id use those words. He isn't allowed to make it your job, that you have to keep checking in to see if he's decided he's ready. Id tell this to his face if possible, otherwise maybe over the phone... but I think things like this can be misread when done not in person...

If you are willing to just be friends, if you can distance your feelings for him enough that you aren't going to hold yourself back for him, then that's your call too... many people try this to stay close to the person... its not the worst you can do, but you just have to make sure you aren't wasting time secretly holding out for him to change his mind...

Personally, I think sometimes its OK to hold on a little longer. As long as you are able to say to yourself "if in one month nothing has changed, then im changing the rules" and you really hold yourself to that, its OK. Just don't waste months and years on a situation like that.

I don't have all the answers. Just my perspectives. I've wasted a lot of time waiting for others to come around... eventually I learned that you need to know when to step back... if you were my sister id tell you the same things I've said... I'm not sure where he is... whether he's really interested but scared... whether he just felt too deep in and needed to step back... whether he just isn't ready... I don't know.

You sound pretty grounded about the whole thing, even though you are anxious to know what's up. Hopefully hell be honest and straightforward... no matter where it ends up, that's all you really need from him.

I would rather it be something or nothing at all... but there's part of me deep inside that says "if sticking around and being his friend will help US, then maybe I should try it". I've never been "just friends with anyone after a breakup. Then again just about every relationship in the past has ended really bad. I don't think that I can spend time with him and push my feelings that I have towards him aside. I think that they would just get stronger. When he first told me this I knew that we couldn't just be friends. But the more I think about it the more I think I'm trying to talk myself into trying it out.

My thing is that I don't want him to think that I'm just going to sit around and wait on him forever to decide if he wants to be with me or not. If I know that we are working on something that is different. But he made that clear there isn't anything to work on right now. I guess the fact that he gave that little bit of hope that maybe he might change his mind... that's what has me wanting to hang on.

its tricky. In posts here when someone is just absolutely falling apart due to a breakup, wanting desperately to call or know what the other is doing all the time and whether they should call, the common advice given is to follow no contact (NC)... a hard break to keep yourself honest about the situation.

anytime you "hang around and see" you give that person the benefit of your company and attention, which doesn't let them "feel" what the break really means... your absence.

but sometimes when a person seems grounded, like you seem to be... upset about the situation but your world isn't falling apart... I find myself leaning toward modified NC. Probably because that's worked for me in two relationships when I was older and a litter wiser, more sure of myself and what I'm willing to put up with... one ended up as just friends and the other was the relationship with my wife. You back off a lot, but you don't necessarily cease contact.

so it can be done, but not in all cases and not when the person is just devastated. In those cases you need all your energy and strength to start the grieving process as soon as possible and to face reality sooner than later.

I know what it means to lose over a year of your life waiting around for a person... did that in my young 20's, thinking that I just needed patience and to be available for the girl... which of course only delayed the real breakup and in the meantime fostered more frustration and anger. I was a dumb boy. My wife might question my use of the word "was"... =)

anyway, I'm not telling you anything new I guess. Well... one thing I will... remember you know where you stand with him, even if you don't understand why. What this means is you chose what you get... if you wait around and he's just back and forth not sure you can't complain too much... you knew that he was uncertain, so you can't play the victim. You don't seem like the type of person who would, but lots of people here do, and I think its good to remember that walking in... that you aren't being conned now... you know he's not committed. Until he does a lot of work to make you feel like he needs this relationship, that there's a drive he just cannot ignore... you are, at best, ex's who are being civil and friendly to each other and who have lingering affections.

I commonly say "you get, at most, the respect you demand... and sometimes not even that"...

which puts the burden on me some. Its not just other peoples fault if I'm treated poorly. I need to think about what I settle for, what I put up with, and how do I own a part of how I am treated. Sure, sometimes you get treated poorly for no fault of your own. But when it comes to relationships, sometimes people forget that they usually compromise something to get the comfort of a relationship... and its up to us to figure out what compromises are acceptable.

anyway, you sound like you're grounded enough to work through this all, no matter the outcome.

I know that I will be able to work through this no matter what happens. I guess now I'm having a hard time finding that spot of stepping back and giving us that break and distance that I know it will need and not being "just friends" where we are talking and spending time together like we used to... but still having some kind of contact. I guess I know where and what I will be able to handle. I just don't know how to relay how I'm feeling to him. I want to give him that break to miss me and what we had and to let him know that I'm not going to sit around forever waiting for him, but don't necessarily want to cease all contact.