I feel like a chameleon - I change my personality and my opinions based on who is around me at the time. If someone were to ask me what I think - I usually give them the answer I think they want to hear. Not because I'm afraid to tell them the truth, but because I don't know what I think about anything, I draw a complete blank. I tried therapy, but my mind just went blank on what to say. I feel like I don't have an identity - I just crack jokes, or try to make people laugh. I don't know if this is a defense mechanism because I don't want people to know who I really am, less they figure out I'm not very interesting. I can honestly say that I have never been truly "myself" around anyone. I'm always in my head trying to figure out the best thing to say or do - for whoever is around me. I never stand up for myself, I never initiate sex or conversation, I just want to blend in to whoever's life I'm involved in.

I also have always preferred to walk away from a relationship, no matter how long, vs standing up for myself or having a confrontation. My past sexual relationships, even those who I thought I loved, I've broken up with multiple times, always waiting for him to figure out what he did - never wanting to talk about it. I can't articulate under pressure. I'm scared I will be wrong, or sound stupid. Not to strangers, not to friends. I have no confidence in myself. I have difficulty feeling and showing emotions, as I'm always thinking "how should I act right now?" like someone is watching. I always feel like people are watching me. This is crazy right?

I'm amazed I've gotten this far in my life when I feel like such a fake. Empty and Fake. I've never FULLY loved someone, I always have doubts. I'd rather pick someone apart for what they're not, then accept them for what they are. I don't trust any guys who come into my life. I get butterflies around the ones who I know won't treat me right, and the guys who genuinely care for me - I push them away.

I am a mess, and I feel if I can't figure this out, then I will never be happy. I'll marry the wrong man because I don't understand why the right man would love me. What do I have to offer?

Is this some kind of mental illness? Is there something I can do to find out who I am and what I think? Some medication I can take to feel normal?

A good place for you to start would be with a visit to your doctor. He/she can help you evaluate your feelings and help you find an appropriate treatment. If you feel you may be depressed or have social anxiety problems, medication may indeed help you. It depends on your situation. Make an appointment with your primary physician. Tell him/her about your feelings. He/she may ask you to take some tests that will help you determine if you are suffering from depression, social anxiety, stress and so on. Many people suffer from these conditions, and the good thing is, people are beginning to understand more about them. I would suggest that you also ask the doctor for a referral to a counselor/therapist. It's a good idea to meet with someone on a regular basis to discuss your feelings. If money is an issue, see if you can meet with a religious leader (if that applies), family member, or a friend on a regular basis. Many organizations also offer financial aid for mental health issues. Check out the yellow pages and call some clinics. If they can't give you financial aid, perhaps they can put you in touch with some people who can. You might try keeping a journal. Write down your current thoughts, feelings, emotions, and so on on a daily basis. Go back through it from time to time, to see what your opinions are on things. This way, you will get an idea what your views are on different things. It's also a great way to relieve stress. Nothing helps me more when I've had a difficult day! I just get out my journal and vent! :) It sounds like you are shy and have trouble telling people how you feel. Other than seeking medical advice, which I think you should do, there are some other things that might help out with this. For one thing, push yourself past your comfort zone. Plan ahead when you know you will be in a social situation. Make up a list of some conversation topics and your views on them. Go over the list before you attend the social event. Try to work the topics into the conversation. Make plans to go out socially at least once a week. Whether it's with friends, to church, to lunch with people at work, just get out there. The next time you are alone and feel self-conscious, go right up to someone and start a conversation. Make a list of things you have always wanted to do or been interested in. Learn about/get involved in some of those things. Counseling will help you figure out who you are. It's OK to feel shy around a counselor at first; after all, you don't know the person, and it can be daunting to think of sharing your most personal secrets with a stranger. Talk to the counselor about this when you first meet. Tell him/her that you had trouble opening up in the past. This will help he/she to work with you better. Maybe you can have some casual conversation the first time, to make you feel more comfortable. Once you have some help from your doctor/therapist, you will gradually begin to feel much better about yourself. As you push past your comfort zone and get treatment, you will develop a clearer picture of who you are as a person. As time goes by, you will become more confident and secure. Once you are happy with you, then you will be able to have much healthier relationships. Never be afraid to talk things out with someone you are with. My fiancée and I wouldn't be engaged right now if I never told him things that bother me. Here are a couple of websites that might help out:
Social Anxiety/Social Phobia: Third Largest Mental Health Problem (http://www.social-anxiety-network.com/third.html)
www.nimh.nih.gov/-13k
Psychological and Mental Health Tests (http://www.mental-health-today.com/tests)
Remember, you can't diagnose yourself and neither can internet tests. I am including these websites to hopefully point you in the right direction. You still need to see a doctor. He/she can determine what's going on in your case. Just hang in there and keep smiling. Get to a doctor, and in the meantime, try to surround yourself with things that make you happy. Watch a funny movie, hold a puppy, splurge and buy yourself something you've been craving. Just whatever works to put a smile on your face. Hang in there! It can and will get better! Good luck!

I just performed a frustrated Google search, with the words “I don’t know who I am” and was led to this page. I extremely appreciate your post, Charlotte, if only to hear that I’m not alone and see that someone has been able to put this condition into words. The best I had been able to do thus far was the term ‘self-ambiguity’.

Certain lines particularly resonated with me: that you feel like a chameleon, that you are amazed that you’ve make it this far in life, that you fear you may never be happy.

Like you, I don’t particularly identify with any part of my life. From a third party perspective, I’m socially normal, though I feel like I’m not in control whenever I’m around people. I regret nearly everything I’ve ever said or done, because I don’t feel like those words or actions are ‘me’, whoever that is. I cannot by new clothes or get any type of haircut besides a buzzcut, because I’m not sure what a person like me would wear or look like. I am 100% business at work, because I have nothing to say to anyone and could care less about having friends… though if someone initiates a social conversation with me, I’m fine and will tell them whatever.

Still, somehow I have a few friends and a significant other that I live with, though they are individuals that I am not especially nice to, and I have no idea why they talk to me. I never make outgoing phone calls. I’ve made it clear to my significant other that I never intend to get married, to avoid the social gathering and to prevent myself pitying her for being even more closely associated with me.

But, I’m not shy. I don’t mind public speaking if I have a business purpose. So I’ve scratched the idea that I have a social dysfunction. I’ve determined that I avoid social situations because they are meaningless unless I am somebody….which, like you, I feel that I am not.

Unfortunately, I fear that this isn’t a medial illness, but rather just a tenet of our personalities. I don’t know who I am, or my place, but I similarly am extremely calculating and rational… and over-calculating every thought creates this feeling of being disjointed with our actions. You wonder if you will ever be happy, and I cannot answer that for you… but I know that I am not, but I deal by accepting this fact while acknowledging that I’m not necessarily unhappy. Confused, frustrated, sure… but not unhappy.

I’ve found enormous comfort in reading Buddhist teachings. I am an atheist, but parts of Buddhism are less a religion and more a way to accept life. At times Buddhism praises neutrality and the separation of our minds from our bodies, which I think lends well to individuals like us. I’ve also long accepted a few of the suggestions that ‘peggyhill’ made. Watch movies! Splurge on tools of distraction like games, books, and music.

These, I’ve found, are better than medication. You won’t discover who you are, necessarily, but drugs would only confuse the matter further, (Am I myself when I’m on Paxil, even though I’m happy? Am I really happy? Etc…) and I think we both acknowledge that therapy won’t work with our personalities.

Though I doubt that any of this would help you, since I know that I listen to absolutely nothing that others tell me on this topic, I did feel compelled to write. I hope that you learn to deal with this situation, and are able to find some level of contentment.

This line is the few that really make me wonder:

And I think we both acknowledge that therapy won't work with our personalities.

How much therapy have you had, and how honest, open, and willing were you to achieve your goals(If you had any when you went),Therapy is just what we do in here,to an extent,And its free!

A good therapist is a little difficult to find if you don't put it all on the table, reaching out for a change, not staying in the problem, but identifying it and finding coping skills and solutions.

ALL my therapists( over 10 years or so) have been good people, and I learned what I wanted by being able to ACCEPT who I am.I am bi-polar (wasn't clear on that for many years) and even while taking medications for it, it took time to get to this point in my recovery.

How long did it take you to get to this point? Do you think a few months of therapy or medications are going to be the cure all?

Most people want the 'quick fix', I self medicated for 20+ years till I was educated.

I was showing all the signs both of you have talked about, and still do to some extent today, its learned behavior.

Coping skills, seeing the warning signs, and prevention are the things to look to learn when going through therapy.Making a list of these goals then going to seek help is my opinion on how to best deal with the problem,the clearer you are, more focused to a solution,and open to suggestion, the more quick things progress.

I really hope this makes sense and I would like to hear more from anyone with opinions regarding this post.

Ken