I guess you could call me confused in my sexuality like I am not totally gay and not totally straight, however I have been "in love" with the best friend for the past two years.
I have absolutely no idea what to do, like when I was drunk I told him once how I felt about him and I just broke down, not really the image that I wanted him to see of me but that’s what happened.
However he was really good about it and took it better than expected and now we are roommates. We had talked about moving in together because we both wanted to move from our hometown into a bigger city and he still moved with me which was really surprising to me because I thought that he would never talk to me again after I told him about who I feel. However he did and now we are in this situation where I still have very strong feelings for him and want to tell him everyday but I can’t because I don’t want to destroy that we have. We have a great friendship and I love spending time with him.
However I want more and I want to tell him again that I still feel the same way for him and I think that we really should be together but I am very scared because I am afraid that if I tell him again he might take it worse than before and than become awkward around me and this is why I can't tell him that I truly "love him".
I have to put love in quotes because I have dated him or anything like that and I don’t want to seem like a stalker or anything like that but I truly think that I do love him and we should be together.
I have know him for seven years and just recently like I said about a year ago I really started to developing feelings about him and these feelings became really obvious to people because when I got drunk I would show I guess more affection to him and than when I was sober I would act I guess like different in front of my friends like o my god how could I be that retarded and do that so that I could play it off and not tell them, but secretly I was think the opposite.
I feel like I can’t keep living this way like I know that I will always have a very strong connection to him and that I will always love him but keeping it inside and not telling him is killing me inside. Like I think I might be gay but I think me being afraid of what people will think especially my friends and family is holding me back because my friends and family I think are very homophobic and I don’t think that they would accept me for who I am.
But to get back to my main point I love my best friend/roommate and have very strong feelings for him and I want to tell him all the time but feel that I am not worthy of him and that I am either to fat or that my acne or other imperfections will make him think that I am ugly and not worthy of him and this is making me very insecure about myself and I could easily see myself developing an eating disorder or getting into a great depression.
To make things worse his girlfriend who lives back home comes to the city a lot and I see them holding hands and doing other dating things and it kills me. Like how can I see the person I have very strong feelings for acting like this. I feel that they don’t care about my feelings at all as both of them very obviously know how I feel as do all of my friends but since I have not formally come out there is still some mystery and so they do not know for sure but I am sure they all suspect that I am gay.
But yes like I have no idea what to do I "love" him very much and wanted to be more than just friends and it kills because as I write this I can hear them having sex and this kills me even more inside, like this is killing the best years of my life because I am being retarded and can't get over this and its all my fault because he is not giving me signals but I am thinking in my head that he is and that we do have a future and I can see us having a future in my head I just hope all the time he feels the same way. I just truly have no idea what to do and I hope that you can help because I don’t know what to do!! Please help me and tell me if I should tell him again once his girlfriend leaves.

Have you had experience with dating other people?

Confront him...

confront him...

Speaking with him would be good! Dialogue is so very important in relationships! But, first it might be a good idea to find out what sgnEvan is really feeling and thinking here... It might be something that would be good to be discussed before a confrontation would happen.

Clough yes I have had experience dating people and I have gone out on dates. You were talking about wanting to know what I am feeling and I was wondering exactly what you meant by that.

You've got to hear from him whether he likes you or he doesn't
This oviously frustrates you and you've got to hear him saw to your face either yes I like you too or no I don't sorry
Like everyone else says.. confront him

I know that I have to confront him and I have already once and he told me that he didn't think of me that way but I have still held onto some hope that he would change. I know this is starting to sound like I obsessing over him and maybe I am but I would like to think I am not because I have not acted on them.
Like I really like him and I am afraid that if I do tell him than he would be as accepting as he was last time and will leave and will be out of life forever and will lose him as a friend which would be even worse. So this is why I am afraid to tell him.

Like what Clough was saying about relationships and wondering if I have been in one, yes I have but it has always been with a woman. Like I don't have these feelings for one else man or woman and have never felt this way about anyone.

Thank you for sharing some, sgnEvan! It is important to do that in order to help you to figure out your situation.

There is one man that I have known for many decades. I love him. He loves me. We have both told each other that on occasions. He is gay. If I were gay, he would be my lover. However, I'm not gay. But, that doesn't mean that we can't love each other.

When was the last time that you were in a relationship? How important do you view being in a relationship to be compared with being the best that you can be for yourself when you are not in a relationship?

I'm just trying to help you to sort and figure out things a little bit at a time. Thank you for being willing to share!

It has been a while since I was in a relationship about two years and I have not gone out with anyone even though there have been times when I could have had relationships with girls I never did so that I would always be available for him I guess if he ever could love me.

I don't really really under stand what you totally men when you are talking about "being in a relationship to be compared with being the best that you can be for yourself when you are not in a relationship". Like the reason I have not told him my true feelings for him is because I don't want to destroy what we currently have.

Basically what I am asking, and although not as simple as this is, do you view having a relationship to be the most important thing in your life? Would you put being in a relationship as being more important than being the best that you can be as an individual for you to advance in your life as an individual?

No like I have not been in a relationship for a while like I said in my las post and am fine staying like this for now and not being in one, but than there are times when I am out with my friends and they are all coupled up and than I feel kind of left out. But no like being in a relationship is not my highest priority.
But would I say no to a relationship with him of course not, but other than that no its not high at all on my list of priority's.

So, what is high on your list of priorities, please?

I don't really know like I am in university so that should be high on my list but really I am not doing as much as I should be and I guess as I think about like just hanging out with the friends I guess is high but like you I guess a relationship is high on my list as I think about it more. Like since we are roommates I try to clean the apartment when he is at work and I make supper for us so that he doesn't need to worry about these things.

Please know that I am just trying to see who you are and what you really feel about you and the things that are of concern in your life. :)

This is all about dialogue and coming to understandings here. There really are no "pat" answers, if people really care about who is asking the questions. Some things can take some time to work out, depending on what you are thinking and feeling. Questions are necessary.

I am concerned about you and would hate to see you get hurt emotionally!

My answer above was supposed to be after yours that was as follows.


Originally posted by sgnEvan I don't really know like I am in university so that should be high on my list but really I am not doing as much as I should be and I guess as I think about like just hanging out with the friends I guess is high but like you I guess a relationship is high on my list as I think about it more. Like since we are roommates I try to clean the apartment when he is at work and I make supper for us so that he doesn't need to worry about these things.

Sorry about that. I thought that you had left the site.

Yes thank you and I hope that I am not giving off any bad vibes because I really appreciate any advice that you guys can give. So please if you need to know anything than ask away because I need help dealing with these problems.

Do you wish this guy well in his relationship with his girlfriend, if that is the thing that he would like to be involved in for his life?

Well at the moment no... I know this sounds really bad but I am fine with her when we are just hanging out separately because she is a mutual friend, but when I seem them together and they are being affectionate in front of me I get really mad in my mind and it might show I don't really know, but than I strongly dislike her and do not like he visits when she comes for the weekend of more.

However even though I do get these feelings of dislike I don't act on them and try to do anything to harm there relationship. Like I just keep these feelings to myself and bottle them up and I am getting really worried about this because I am bottling this all up and don't know when I am going to have to explode!!

But if he decided to marry her and be with her for ever I think that I would not do anything, but than at the same time I could see myself telling him that I love him and don't think that he should be doing this

Okay. So, you are okay with them being together. Correct? You just have a problem with them being affectionate in front of you. Correct? Maybe you should let him or her know that you have a problem with the because you are feeling lonely because you don't have someone significant in your life right now. Is it possible to tell one of them about that?

But if he decided to marry her and be with her for ever i think that i would not do anything, but than at the same time i could see myself telling him that i love him and dont think that he should be doing this

Remember that I told you earlier about my love for another man?

Just "yes" or "no" on this one please.

I guess I am okay with them being together, but obviously I would prefer if he was with me lol, And yes I could tell him that I would prefer for them not to be affectionate in front of me. However I still have these thoughts of what happens what I am not there and I think that this is one of my main problems

Remember that I told you earlier about my love for another man?

Just "yes" or "no" on this one please.

Okay than I think that I would act like I was fine about all of this but on the inside I would be crushed about it, but because it was what he really wanted I would stay quite because I want him to be happy. So no I guess

My first name is Craig. What is yours please, if you don't mind?

Evan

Okay than i think that i would act like i was fine about all of this but on the inside i would be crushed about it, but because it was what he really wanted i would stay quite because i want him to be happy. So no i guess

I was just looking for a "yes" or a "no" because I was going to lead into something else. You are still analyzing things in your mind here. That's okay, but not for every instance.

Okay but really I think no, I would really have problems with him and his current girlfriend getting married, because I think that he could do better than her and that is not just necessarily me

Dear Evan,

I'm going to respond to your current post. But, I really do need to go to bed. Do you mind if I pull in some others who may have insite who will also be able to help you? I can really identify with your feelings and your problem because I have been in a similar situation, but I simply must go to bed, because I am involved in a musical performance tomorrow where I must be at my best. I hope that you understand.

No worries I myself am very beat and should sleep as well so don't worry and yes pull some others in as well, I just need some answers lol

Then we will work on this later. I really do appreciate your understanding. I have already contacted another. Whether she comes on right now is up to her. But, I do think that it's important that we all get the rest that we need so as to think the most clearly in our discussions.

Thank you for being so open and sharing with us!

No problem I hope that this can help me and others in similar situations. I look forward to our next discussions

Evan, Clough asked me if I would mind helping out here, and I surely would, but I am off to bed as well. I will get back to this thread later, though. I have read through it and have several comments to make and some advice for you. I think we can help you through this.

Hugs, Didi

Okay that is great grammadidi thanks, but Clough after thinking about you question even more No I would defently not be happy if he stayed in his current relationship. There is no way that I would just sit by and not say anything

Okay, Evan, as stated in the wee hours of the morning I have a few comments and some advice.

In reading your original post it appears that what you are seeking advice for is what to do with this situation. In my opinion, when we find ourselves attracted to another person we have to look at all the options. It matters not whether you are 'straight', 'gay', or 'bi'. What does matter, in my opinion, is that you conduct yourself in a manner that you would hope someone else to act if you were the one who might be hurt in the situation at hand. In this case, it means your friend and/or his girlfriend.

Evan, too many people don't respect the boundaries of a relationship. Imagine if you were dating the man/woman of your dreams and someone stepped in and interfered with that? My morals and values say it's wrong, but only you know what yours say. I believe that when one is 'involved' that it means they are hands off. You do not pursue a relationship with someone who is already IN a relationship.

So, my advice to you is that you either remain friends and be a true friend, or you detach a bit from the situation and concentrate on creating your own happiness without this man. If he and his girlfriend break up at some point, I would wait a reasonable amount of time to allow him to heal, then, if you are still interested you should tell him. If you truly do love him, then open and honest communication is key - however, due to the situation, I feel you should save it for if he becomes single again.

Now, as for your confusion with your sexuality, if it is tormenting you I think you should seek counselling. There are many places available where you can obtain free or low cost counselling. You say that the main point is your feelings for your roommate and whether to tell him, but I think the main point is that you need to come to terms with your own sexuality especially when you feel your friends and family will not be supportive. You also stated that you feel you are "not worthy" of him and refer to possibly developing an eating disorder or becoming depressed. Hun, this really signals a need for some good supportive therapy. You really do need to work on yourself, first. Until you deal with your personal issues you will not be able to have a lasting, loving relationship with anyone! My guess is that you want to be capable of those things if he returns your feelings - yet another reason to seek therapy.

I do hope you will think about all of this carefully. I also would like you to read your original post yourself and see how much of it is devoted to your own sexual identity and self confidence issues. If you need to know of therapy options in your area, please post where you live and I am sure there are several people who can guide you. Your family doctor or local hospital can also point you in the right direction.

Hugs, Didi

I know about respect for relationships and this is part of the reason that I haven't told him anything because I know he is currently in a relationship. What I was referring to last time was Clough's question of them getting marred and if it got that serious than I would tell him how I feel before that happened but I don't see that in the picture right now was we are fairly young right now

I think you are missing the point of my post/advice. Try again. You DID ask for advice. :D

Hugs, Didi

I am just worried about counseling like I have never been to counseling and I guess I am just worried about the stigmas that are attached to it.

Many, many wonderful people have had the need for counseling in their lives. I understand what you mean by worrying about a stigma attached to counseling, but I wonder if you can look at it another way? What is wrong with learning, bettering yourself, or having someone to help you sort out your own thoughts? A counselor or therapist is a tool. Sometimes we need help to attain our goals, reach our utmost potential. There is NO shame in saying, "I can't handle this myself right now, I need help". People turn to God, friends, neighbours, family members, support groups, doctors, therapists and many others in times of need. Seeing a doctor for a physical problem, a mechanic for an engine problem, turning to God (or whatever you believe in) for a spiritual problem or seeking a therapist for an emotional problem... they really are all the same thing! Don't be ashamed. Be proud of yourself for seeking the help you need before the issues become insurmountable and you end up with long term issues that may eventually have physical and psychological symptoms.

Hugs, Didi

Didi has updated me more of your situation, Evan. Please know that I spent a number of years in counselling for first one thing, then another... and another.

The counselling first started when I was married. My wife wanted us to get counselling together. Being the macho guy that I was, I refused to go, thinking that she and I could work things out on our own.

I finally gave up and went to counselling together with her. It eventually turned out that I liked it so much and how much it was helping me to better myself as a person, that I continued to go for a long time. During solving one problem with counselling, other problems were revealed. This lead to different types of counselling sessions with other counsellors as well as groups.

I really attribute admitting that I had some problems that could only be helped by going to professional counsellors to be the reason that I can handle so many things well in my life now, that I couldn't have handled before going through the training that happens in counselling.

Going to counselling is very much like attending school. It's just more about you, what you think, and your emotions that you feel.

Thanks for all great the great ideas ideas, however I was wondering if anyone else has been in a similar situation or any ideas?

Hey I'm new to this and I'm not sure if anyone is still answering in this thread but I am now in this situation I have fallen for my 'straight' best friend and don't no what to do :( I am recently recovering from anorexia as I had other issues and he's been there every step of the way for me and I have just recently told my mum that I am confused about my sexuality as I'm sure I love him but I love girls too I will be getting counselling soon but I just need some advice first if anyone can help

Hey I'm only 13 but I think you should just tell him how you feel and don't be afraid to show your pride in being gay ( sorry if that offended you in any way) Don't be afraid to be who you really are and don't care what other people think what really matters is how deep you feel for your friend. I f you really want to go that way then I say "Rock On". But just go with your gut if it doesn't feel right then don't do it. I hope this helps :)

Hey thanks I'm really not sure what to do I don't really want to risk losing him as a friend so...

hey im new to this and im not sure if anyone is still answering in this thread but i am now in this situation i have fallen for my 'straight' best friend and dont no what to do :( i am recently recovering from anorexia as i had other issues and he's been there every step of the way for me and i have just recently told my mum that i am confused about my sexuality as i'm sure i love him but i love girls too i will be getting counselling soon but i just need some advice first if anyone can help

Don't worry about the counseling it'll help you get through your problems, and about this whole "gay-straight" thing my opinion is to just take a step back and look at yourself and try to figure out which way your life is going and follow the path that seems to suit your personality the best. I'm not against being gay but I just don't know what else to tell you because I don't really roll that way (no offense) p.s. great job beating anorexia, it's hard to beat and I'm in the same boat, being a 13 year old girl isn't easy when you see a bunch of really under weight people on TV. So with this whole best friend thing don't tell him now just think if you really want to go that way and if it works out I say "Rock on man!" so good luck and have a happy thanksgiving! :D

Hey thanks a lot for your advice :) and happy thanksgiving to you to, if any one else has advice I would really appreciate it thanks.