I have a 14 year old son. I divorced when he was 2 got 75% custody, but always made sure he got time and was involved with his father who by the way paid no support (this burns me but whatever.) Dad doesn't have much ambition and made very little $, lived with mother until he found another woman, his current wife to support him.

I was a good mother I think... soccer coach, went on all the field trips and generally kept him involved in all kinds of activities, but he evolved into quite an accomplished tennis player. Life was good he got a scholarship from the local tennis patrons to clinics run by a very accomplished tennis coach who also coaches one of the leading colleges in so cal.

I had a boyfriend move in who my son absolutely despises. I would have asked my boayfriend to move out but quite frankly I love him, he helps financially and my father died so I needed to have a shoulder to cry on.

I had a lot of legal issues with my brother ripping off the estate and I became burdened with it.. anyway my son was acting up and I decided to send my beloved boy to his father's to live... it's several hours away a small town.

Anyway, my son hates me now, refuses to visit or or even speak to me. His father supports him and when I point out that it hurts me deeply... he doesn't care. When I point out that our son loved tennis. I feel so guilty. I should have asked my boyfriend to leave. I feel like a horrible mother... like I'm not worthy to even be on this planet. I cry so hard I can't breath...

Now, understand off the bat that I am old school. If a woman or man has children to raise then there should not be another person in the picture, i.e. another boyfriend/girlfriend. Our children are our responsibility first and foremost. After they are raised and gone, then we can have our love life's back.

However, you are not a horrible mother. Children don't come with a set of instructions and we learn childrearing 101 on the fly.

Understand that he is going through a terrible time right now... hormones are raging, he is a boy without a father figure... You did the right thing. Things will probably all work out.

How long has he been at his father's? Do you have visitation? If not, go to court and demand it. Follow through. If your son hates your boyfriend, then sorry, your son is your priority, not the boyfriend. Boyfriends come and go, but our children are in our lives forever.

I understand old school. But, my ex was a very irresponsible disloyal, no ambition surf bum... still is but found another fairly accomplished woman to support him.

Raised him 13 years and never went on a date. I was devoted to this boy. I made a huge mistake allowing another man to move in. I thought it wouldn't interfere because I still was very attentive to my son.

His father, my ex is gleefully rubbing this in my face, buying into my son's tall tales of abuse and will not allow me to see him.

I still have custody on paper. I wonder if a court would even give me visitation if I went back because my son hates me with a vengeance... payback is hell I guess for the pain I caused him. Even worse, I know this is not in his best interest. But I guess I'll have to face the fact I screwed up royally.

All you can do is hope everything works out in time and don't do anything that would cause any more strain on your relationship. Forcing him to visit you will only cause resentment, especially as long as you still have your boyfriend there.
Do what you can to salvage your relationship and build it up, no matter how little or insignificant you think it is. Arguing with your ex will only worsen the anger your son has and give your ex more things to criticize about you to your son.

I thought it wouldn't interfere because I still was very attentive to my son.


This is where the problem may lie. You were very attentive, but your son was intuitive, he sensed something was wrong, whether it was with the boyfriend or your relationship, or the relationship with the son and the boyfriend.

That's neither here nor there now. Unfortunately, and it sounds harsh, I know, but the damage is done IF it was the boyfriend. Remember it still could be hormones as he is 14 and never had a male role model. So I'm not putting all of this on you OR the boyfriend.

This is a multifaceted dilemma.. There are many things going on here, not just one cause... not just one solution.

Did I miss how long kiddo has been with Dad? Has it been a week? A month? A year?

The answer to that question will have a bearing on any future advice.

About a year... I hear you. I have done the damage and have to live with it. It was not easy being a single mother with no financial help, working full time and getting the boy to practices and lessons. I just expect him to get the same "services" from his dad. But he has no outside activities anymore. First year of high school and didn't even try out for a team. That's not my boy. Really really sad.

And I was sensitive to the male role model thing. He was very close to his tennis coaches and other dad's in the neighborhood. And... visited often with his father, I made sure of that and encouraged it.