I have had a roller coaster ride with my Mother throughout the years. She has always enjoyed a bit of drama and being victimized. Fortunately she mostly had other targets to complain about, but when she doesn't I seem to fit the bill nicely. She accuses me of all sorts of nasty behaviors and then tells my brothers about things I have allegedly said or done. Often there is an element of truth in what she says but somehow she changes a word here or there to change the deed from annoying to dreadful.
Last Christmas she took me and my daughters out for dinner. As we live a long way away we stayed the night. In the guest room she left a "workbook" for me to read that outlined all of my failings - some of them pretty awful. I didn't really know how to react as I was quite hurt so I simply kept it to myself until six months later when she wrote to complaining about how mean I had been to her and to not give her any birthday presents. I thought carefully how to respond and explained how much I loved her and would continue to give her gifts etc. but that I was quite hurt by her workbook. She retaliated with an even nastier letter bringing up old (more the 15 years ago) issues, but they were exaggerated and she had clearly altered her memory to cast me as the villain in all cases. This letter was too much for me and I responded explaining that her accusations were untrue in every respect. I then tried to call her and just have a pleasant conversation - it seemed to go well. To make a long story short two weeks ago my daughters were trying to call her to tell her about their accomplishments. She never answered the phone. So I tried to call her numerous times with the same result. I emailed her asking her to call and finally several days letter I left a message on her answering machine in what was I am sure a frustrated tone of voice, asking her to call. She emailed me to say that she was writing me another letter. The latest letter states that she is cutting me out of her life, but she will still help out my kids.
I wrote back apologizing (it seemed easier than trying to set the record straight) and explaining that I really loved her and wanted to have a good relationship with her and could we please speak face to face. She refuses to speak to me and so does my brother (I can't even begin to guess what she has said to him). I am willing to do anything to fix this situation. Any suggestions?

Sounds like you have a mother with mental problems. If you can't get her into counseling or on medication it might be best for your own sanity to cut off all communication with her.

Your mother sounds like my mother times 10. When I was 18, I gave her what she wanted and lefter her alone. She finally contacted me when she realized I had joined the military and was living 4 states away.

Your mom sounds like she is a passive aggressive control freak.
Everything has to be her way and she can't let go of grudges.
She wants to see everything from her perspective and nobody else's point of view or
Feelings matter.
I would have been tempted to write little notes in the book of your faults
Like
'if mom had been more sensitive and understanding I wouldn't have... '
'I always wished mom was there for me with guidance at that time... '

It is childish to turn somebody else from a relationship with you like the school yard mentality
'since she doesn't like you you can't be my friend either'

I never suggest using kids to resolve problems but in your case I think you need to tell your mom that if she wants to cut ties with you that means ALL ties including your kids.
I say this because as long as she can pick and have it all her way in all matters she will never wake up to her own faults and keep playing the game.

These sites might give you some insight to your mothers behavior

How To Deal With Difficult People Part 3 - The Passive Aggressive (http://ezinearticles.com/?How-To-Deal-With-Difficult-People-Part-3---The-Passive-Aggressive&id=120193)

Passive Aggressive Behavior (http://members.aol.com/elrophe/PassiveAggressiveBehavior.html)

These are behaviors of passive aggressive

* Forgetting appointments, promises and agreements; scheduling two things at the same time; or being chronically late.

* Saying unkind things and then saying they really didn't mean what they said.

* Acting out nonverbally by slamming doors or objects, but denying anything is wrong.

* Becoming confused, tearful, sarcastic or helpless when certain topics come up.

* Getting sick when they've promised to do something they really don't want to do

* When conversing with someone who is angry at you, they leave out important information which gives you the wrong impression.

* Talking behind others back in a harmful way- gossiping.

*Exaggerating the faults of others (behind their back) to your others while maintaining "sweetness" toward the person.

* Playing dumb or inadequate to frustrate someone or gain advantage.

Thank you for your replies. They are reassuring. I did try calling repeatedly and tried to call my brothers as well. None of them would answer and finally a few minutes ago my mother wrote me an email telling me that I was mentally ill. Oh well... I guess all my efforts were in vain.


Time has a way of working things out; we are the ones that usually mess it up trying to make things happen


I think this will be my mantra! Thanks again