I wrote a big story then accidentally deleted it, so here are just the basics.
Been with my partner since we were 15, now own a house together and are 23. Our best friend moved in about 8 months ago and we grew much closer in this time as my partner is working most weekend in which we spend time alone... for the last month or so we've been sleeping together. (we told my partner the first time and he was ty but OK with it) I already liked the best friend before he moved in (but don't think he knows that) we get on so well and seem much more compatible than me and my partner (who has changed since we we're first together) I'm worried to throw my life away for this guy if he doesn't work out but it feels so natural with him and I can't control my feelings for him. I'm also worried for my husbads health if I leave him, he loves me so much and asks me every day not to leave. We are all very close (like sleeping in the same bed most weekends) but my partner has becoem reclusive and I feel like I am so young I want to sell the house and travel and do more things before I die (opposite to him) there are so many more issues etc but I don't have time for this, I guess my question is how do I know which one to choose, I know I am a terible person and I've already hurt them both, sometimes I think I should just leave them both alone and they'd be happy.

you need about 10 years to mature it sounds like....you are treating the men like they are there to make you happy - a sign of immaturity - and will destruct your life and theirs at this rate.

Can you leave them alone?

If you have enough $, I would suggest you suggest living alone for a while. 3 in a bed will not last...

i can't control my feelings for him

Of course you can!

Move away from both of them until you grow up and can think of someone besides yourself.

This is right out of a comic book. You both made a fatal error having invited a red blooded male into your home. Your not a chemist but irresponsibly mixed up a batch of hormones, chemicals and circumstances and then you took a big gob of it and stuck it on a big fish hook and then you closed your eyes and you bit down on it. A one person circus. Did you know that for all the years Lois Lane stood in front of Superman he never and she never took the other to bed. Those are the heroes as well as the tens of millions of other people out there who know the difference between a responsibility and air-headedness.

You are going to have so much time to regret your mistakes, why not just get started now.
Leave your husband who cares for you (you called him that)
Lose your home and security
Hook up with someone willing to hurt his best friend BTW, he can't afford his own place, let alone bed?
Yup, waste no time you are already 23

You need to know how to decide which one to choose?
Here's a little idea: Go for the one that you SAID you would ALWAYS be with
Maybe? But nooo, who pays attention to those petty little papers and ceremonies anymore... they mean absolutely nothing, right?
Do your husband a favor and go for the friend because we all know that's what you're going to do anyway.
You don't care about what's right, you care about what makes you feel good inside.

I agree with Ash and Wondergirl. You need to leave them both and live on your own until you get your head cleared out. You may need the services of a good therapist to help you with this.

Oh good God!

Thanks for all the replies... Just to clear one thing up I am not married to my partner, I call him my husband sometimes by mistake, simply because we have been together 8 years and we are basically like a married couple. I think I probably will leave eventually and think it is a good idea for me to go on my own first. How should I go about telling him I'm leaving when I know it will break his heart and I fear for his mental health and what he might do?

Lose your home and security
Hook up with someone willing to hurt his best friend BTW, he can't afford his own place, let alone bed?
Yup, waste no time you are already 23

I am only 23, I have never travelled, I have no money to do anything because I have a mortgage, I want to sell my house either way and go travelling, my partner won't do this with me, what am I supposed to do?
His best friend does love him and doesn't want to hurt him, he has told me many times and finally today that he is going to stop and I have to break up with my partner first if we are to be together, but we are so in love that it is difficult to ignore! He can afford his own house, but he has just been through his own messy break up last year and in NZ, no, you can't afford a house on your own! Besides love is not about money!

This sounds like a Jerry Springer episode, I'm sorry but I had to say it. Chicka, my opinion is to break it off with both of them sell your house and go and be alone for a while and take some time to grow and figure yourself out.

Hello.

You can never leave one person for another, it never works. If your not happy in a relationship then get out, find yourself then and only then can you start another relationship.

I say do your guy a favor and up and leave with (or without) his friend so he doesn't have to live out the drama of you cheating on him until you decide the bubble gum is stale and you want the greener grass. Then he will see what you are both about and can get on with his life and find someone with stable emotions.

besides love is not about money!

You'll notice 'love' to be fleeting when its not around.

How do I choose between my long term partner or my lover,
I have been with my partner for 8 years and we own a house together (we are 23yo)
Our long time friend (his best friend) moved in with us after breaking up with his fiancé and we are all very very close,
We do everything together and over the last 8 month the friend and I grew very close,
We are much more compatible than my partner and I and over the last few month we have been having an affair,
My partner knows of this, he has asked me to stop but has not asked his friend to move out, as I said before we are all extremely close and often we all sleep in the same bed.
I think my partner is afraid of losing us both if he makes a fuss, this has happened before some years back but we moved out of that situation and I stuck with my partner.
The friend feels horrible and loves my partner as much as I do, but we are so close as well and find it so hard to hide our feelings for each other.
I love my partner, I feel like I owe it to him to stick by him, but I also love the friend. I want us to be like we were before this happened but I'm not sure if this is possible now?
What should I do?

Oh come on now... the first time around wasn't enough? Everyone that answered you in your first post 3 days ago probably hasn't changed their opinions. See attached.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/should-leave-husband-his-our-best-friend-143268.html

You heard it before and I went back to read your other post - what you need is to get out on your own, your very own and make your own mark in the world. If you three were all happy like three eggs in the nest, who would care? But you are not happy, your partner is not happy - so go and make a change. You stay there because it offers you some security and you do not have to venture out and become independent. You are 23 years old already. Time to grow up.

OK, just wanted to word it better and in that time also my view changed slightly. I wanted to leave my partner before, now I'm not so sure, anyway threesomes work? Could I convince them of this since we were all so close before and the only thing that's changed is sex!?

I think you should be ashamed to be honest ^_^

Umm I didn't read your info just the tittle. YOUR MArried honor your commitment. What is wrong with people now a days. You loved him at one point, find that again

A lot of people these days dream of getting swept off their feet, and falling love. Love is a commitment, and those couples celebrating their 50th anniversaries are able to celebrate because they are committed and put effort into the relationship. It's not always going to be peachy, but that's part of relationships that help build stronger ones.

How do I choose between my long term partner or my lover,
I have been with my partner for 8 years and we own a house together (we are 23yo)
Our long time friend (his best friend) moved in with us after breaking up with his fiance and we are all very very close,
We do everything together and over the last 8 month the friend and I grew very close,
We are much more compatible than my partner and I and over the last few month we have been having an affair,
My partner knows of this, he has asked me to stop but has not asked his friend to move out, as I said before we are all extremely close and often we all sleep in the same bed.
I think my partner is afraid of losing us both if he makes a fuss, this has happened before some years back but we moved out of that situation and I stuck with my partner.
The friend feels horrible and loves my partner as much as I do, but we are so close as well and find it so hard to hide our feelings for each other.
I love my partner, I feel like I owe it to him to stick by him, but I also love the friend. I want us to be like we were before this happened but I'm not sure if this is possible now?
What should I do?
Uh... That sucks! I think you should stop and look at what's going on. SO, you sleep in the same bed with your partners friend in the same house? You need to make a choice quick or you all are going to get hurt! It's not fair to your partner nor your lover. Just think who was there in the beginning and who you want there in the end! Good LUck!

If you love someone you don't CHEAT on them. So do YOU really love your "partner" and does your partner's best friend REALLY love him?? I don't think either of you really know what love is and you ALL need some time to mature. If you have a mortgage, you have a job, right? Can you not move into an apartment or rent a room somewhere by yourself for a few years to mature?

besides love is not about money!


LOVE??

This sounds like a Jerry Springer episode, I'm sorry but I had to say it. Chicka, my opinion is to break it off with both of them sell your house and go and be alone for a while and take some time to grow and figure yourself out.


You cannot give Reputation to the same post twice.
Tried to rate this but got this stupid message:


That's exactly what I thought after reading all of this crap. Good entertainment material. Too bad some people never grow up... As far as being 'loyal' to someone, I think that's gone out of style in this messed up society. Where did those values go?

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/4/4_14_6.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZNfox000)

OK, so I decided I want to be with the friend. He said if he moves out and I break up with my partner then I can come to him and he said he will wait for me... he told me he loves me & he even told his mother he loves me. How do I tell my partner, he basically knows, but I wanted to tell him it was another reason and move into my own place first so as not to hurt him, but I guess he knows the reason now, he said I could leave but then he threatens suicide, I don't know how to do it and keep his friendship and hurt him as little as possible and I'm very worried about his mental state at the moment...

Big problem here you don't S%$# where you eat and you did! So now you must deal with the mess you made, It's not leaving one for the other, you don't love anyone but yourself, I say this because when you love someone you don't cheat. You clearly made a bad decision and the reality is the damage have been done... As far as choosing, you think you will run off into the sunset with this friend and be happily ever after? I don't think so... Not if Karma has her say in this situation. My best advice is you should be alone, you don't need to do anymore damage.. You need time to yourself and leave these men alone, and grow up.. I don't mean to sound harsh, but maybe you should have thought about what you were doing before you decided to ruin lives... Now how do you expect to have any loving or trusting relationship with anyone when you did what you did?? Neither of these relationship may not work, I am not saying that it can't but I don't see this being a happy ending..

OK, so Now it's all on... My partner knows I have been sleeping with his friend and is devastated,
I had made plans with the friend that he would move out and if things didn't work out with my partner then I would follow him later.
This turned into he would move out and I would break up and follow him.
Unfortunately my partner saw my questions on thet net when looking under 'history' so is now certain that I'm going to leave him.
He has begged me to stay, although I don’t know why he still wants me? He wasn't even mad with his friend until I mentioned that I might move in with him when he's gone.
Now he is furious as he realised his frined actually wants to steal me away and it wasn't just a fling.
But he has convinced me last night that I am stupid to leave him as he loves me and we had everything going for us,
The problem is now I fear if I stay that I've already ruined it anyway and he knows I like his best friend and I've ruined their frinedship.
Also, I feel so bad to the friend, he will have lost his two best frineds in the world and it will devastate him if I tell him I'm staying now.
I don’t' want to hurt either of them but either way I have to hurt one of them, and my partner I think needs me the most of all.
I seem to have no emotions at all, when my partner is breaking down in front of me and telling me he will die without me I can't even cry I am numb!
Could I possibly be a psycopath? I know that I am hurting them both and yet I still can't even decide what I want and I want them both as best frineds like we were before!

Could I possibly be a psycopath? I know that I am hurting them both and yet I still can't even decide what I want and I want them both as best frineds like we were before!


No but you are confused.. You seriously need the time to yourself, You don't not need to choose, because if it turns up that the friend is not what you wanted don't think you can go back to your husband.. Don't ruin everyone else life around you.. Be a WOMAN and don't choose any BUT CHOOSE YOURSELF.. because you don't know what you want you don't even know what makes you happy... Don't look for others to fulfill what you need to work out yourself.. You will only be back and forth...

I seem to have no emotions at all, when my partner is breaking down in front of me and telling me he will die without me I can't even cry I am numb!
Could I possibly be a psycopath? I know that I am hurting them both and yet I still can't even decide what I want and I want them both as best frineds like we were before!

You are not a psychopath, just someone who never learned to deal with emotions or had to suppress them too long. Maybe you had a rough life in the past yourself and just need some help getting in contact with yourself first before dealing with others emotionally.

This will not clear up over night and will take a lot of work on your part to gain their trust as a friend again... but I would not be in a relationship with either of them until you figure out why your real emotions are in the freezer..

You cannot erase what you did to them, and can only hope that they will eventually forgive you, and also become friends again, but this is out of your control. You cannot make things right for them, only for yourself, so get started and get to know the real you and why you are who you are. There is help out there and when we need it, and realize we need it, we can only benefit from it.

Remember, the only life you control is your own, so let them deal with their's in their own way, with or without you. Tell the frustrated partner that you are going for therapy and suggest he do so as well - that's all you can do for him.. he is in control of himself.

Good luck dear.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_22_19.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZNfox000) You need to like what you see in the mirror before you can expect anyone else to like that image. They might not understand now, but they will survive and live on.. Neither one deserves an emotionally cold partner, so get help in warming up.
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