I'll try to summarize the story...

Early March of this year I was leaving the hospital after three long months of chemotherapy for a testicular cancer, the treatment worked as planned and I had just turned 29 in February.

So thinking that a bald and eyebrow less guy would never meet a woman, but it happened in the moment I least expected over at a small get together on a Sunday with some friends.
Going against what's usual I asked her out the next day and we had a great time and we kept seeing each other every other day... we fell in love immediately. For your records she's now 25 and has a year and a half old son which is also deep in my heart.

Let me tell you that what happened next is because I'm a very insecure person...
Around June everything was love love love between us, but one night we had a discussion at a party and she decided not to speak to me, so stupid me decided to start drinking in industrial volumes till I was almost knocked out... I grabbed my car and left at about 4am in direction to her place to see she had arrived Ok.
On the way I bumped slightly another car and believe it or not I called the cops!! even though it was just a scratch. Anyway, after taking me to the hospital to check my blood alcohol level I was taking into the police department till I was sober enough to leave... while I was there a made a very stupid thing: left a voice message at her mom's mobile phone saying a couple of nasty words.

A week and a half passed by and she forgives me, but her complete family which are very conservative catholics just hated me. We start going out with her family not knowing, they threatened her to kick her out of the house if she kept seeing me, but she stand up for me every time till the parents realized it was better to talk to me than having her move in with me.
So we had the talk, and everything started normal again.

Around August I asked her if she would be willing to marry me, to which she said yes and we started planning the whole thing. I was everything she was looking for in life.

But, but, but... almost two months ago I screwed up again.
Drunk one night at a bar I decided to take a taxi and phone her when I was arriving at her place, her brother saw me and sh**t hit the fan.

During 3 weeks I didn't have any contact with her, I tried to get deep within myself to see where I was wrong life. So one day she texts me and asks me to call her.
We started talking every other day, she came with her boy a couple of times for lunch and to take him out to play. She said he was happy being here at my place, we laughed, we had sex, we hughed and bla bla bla.

A week and a half ago we went together to the marriage of the friends who introduced us and we danced and kissed again. Next day I invite her out for dinner then we cam to my place for the ''usual''. I thought we were going in the right direction and was happy about it as I thought this was the love of my life.
But suddenly, two days after the above she calls me and tells me we better not see or talk to each other anymore, no further explanations to which I said I respect your decision but I don't agree.
Then 2 days ago I text her to see how she's doing and calls me back, we talked for a while about what we had been doing but that's it.

I need to make a final attempt to get her back, I guess she's afraid I can screw up again plus having her family against me and against her.

What should be my next move ?


Thanks!!

Anybody ?

Stop drinking totally.

Everybody says the same thing, but although I like to drink, I think alcohol has only shown my insecurities towards some points in my relationships.

Well, actually, alcohol has caused you to lose the woman you claim to love - not just once, but twice. It's time to face facts... it's a problem. You can call it insecurities or whatever you want. The bottom line is that it is directly responsible for interfering in your happiness.

I would buy your excuse if it had only happened once, but twice?? You seriously need to stop making excuses for your drinking and quit immediately. If you can't, or won't, especially under these circumstances, then it's a problem.

I do hope you will consider what I have written seriously. Interesting that you are getting the same feedback from a total stranger (with an Addiction Counselor diploma) as you receive from those who know you.

Hugs, Didi

You made some very bad decisions as far as alcohol is concerened you are very imature . She is thinking of her future and her sons future. Raising a child around a "future alcholic" is tourture to a young child. Keep away to you recognize your problems and complete a 12 step program. Best of luck

Thanks for all your words!!
I've been into no straight path since she left me to be honest. I work by myself from home and when work ends I feel like nothing else to do than having a couple of drinks with some friends, you know there's always someone willing...

Call it loneliness or whatever, but home is a different place since they left me and I feel there's no way I will get over it, just like other posts I've read here.

Just like in poker games I feel I did an ''All In'' in this relationship... and lost

You lost because of your addictive personality. You can keep feeling sorry for yourself and continue to go nowhere, or you can start the process to make yourself a man worthy of the love of a decent woman and child. It's really your choice.

In fact, you did not do an "All In". If you did, you would have stopped the behaviours that pushed her away from you. Look, Foxtrot... you are in pain. The only way to stop being in pain is to get help. You can't do it on your own. You have been through a lot, yes, but now is the time to start handling it all like a man. If you aren't willing, then it's no wonder that you are alone.

Hugs, Didi

I too am a counselor and agree with Didi. Get help for your drinking. Go to AA and follow their program to the max. If you need an addictions counselor, the wonderful folks in AA who know exactly what you are up against can give you driving directions. AA will assign you a sponsor who will also help you over all the speed bumps.

I will get help for the drinking, I guess if she was with me now I would do it, but I have to really realize that I have to do it for me.

So leaving the booze issue aside for a moment, how should I approach her to tell her that I still need her because I love her ?

Get sober, straighten out your life so that any woman would be proud to call you her man and would trust leaving her child with you, then contact her and let her know you got help for your drinking and you have been sober for a year and would like a third and final chance. You can't do it with promises... need to do it with actions.

Hugs, Didi

I've been behaving with reference to alcohol.

So, we've been communicating, more from my side than her's, but in contact anyway. I'm so tired of this back and forth, she is too. But something in me keeps trying to reach for her... I don't want to let go, I can't.

Three days ago I receive a text message at 5am, to make it short we end up meeting a block away from her house. We sit in the lawn of a house like teenagers would do, we hug, we kiss, I hear romantic words coming out of her... then she leaves for a long weekend out to the farm with her family.

Fast forward to Sunday. I call her and tell her to come over for dinner, hesitates and then calls me and tells me that she's coming but for the last time ever. A bit of a lier of me tells her OK. We eat, we speak and then we end up dancing chic to chic, we started kissing and I leave the rest to your imagination.

So why on earth would she come for a ''last supper'', is it me or she really wanted to see me ?

I'm a bit confused, I don't know which direction to follow, I'm afraid... I'm so many things right now but none at the same time... just desolation wondering inside me.

We spoke today, I told her to come over for dinner

Update
A week ago I was paying the bill at a local bar where I usually hang out, and where I was having a coke... I come out of the men's room and voilá there she is. I ask her what she's doing there and she tells me she stopped with two friends to use the bathroom and they were on their way to a club a block away to dance.
I ask her if I could join and she tells me Ok. So we go dancing, we start hugging and kissing in the dance floor, the I ask her if she wanted to come over to my place (I live 5 blocks from there) and she says Ok again.
We listened to music for a while and then we came to my bedroom for the obvious.

After that and while hugging each other she says that she's never been so happy as when we were together. Next day she phones in the morning and I phone her at bedtime, she tells me she would love to be with me sleeping with her head on my shoulder.
I told her that I realized that even though we hadn't seen each other for almost a month, we saw each other and everything was still there, she agreed to that.


The day after I call her up to invite her for dinner and she tells once again it's better not to see each other... what the fu&*... who can understand women... I can't.

What should I do/ say/ ?

Thanks.

A week ago I was paying the bill at a local bar where I usually hang out, and where I was having a coke...

So you haven't been drinking and have turned over a new leaf?

I do have a drink but much less than before, I don't get drunk or stuff like that, I find it plain stupid.
So, what about my girl ?

Your girl smelled liquor on you? Or knew you still drink?

She may love you, but will always be afraid of what you will do if you get to many drinks in you, and all due respect, she is correct, and has a child to think about. Your choice is simple, and that is to stop drinking all together, so she can be at peace with you and her family, and be happy and secure. The thing that bothers me is how fast this relationship bloomed, and how quickly the two of you have invested so much,so soon, when its clear that until you make the right decision, there can be no future between you. Stop drinking and live sober, as the others have suggested. The question isn't what to do about your girl, but what you do about yourself. Alcohol has already caused you, and the ones around you much distress, and if you can get over that hurdle, the rest will take care of itself, and you will know what to do about the girl.

Wondergirl... while dancing we had a couple of beers each, so she know and didn't say a word about that

Talaniman... thanks for your words. You're absolutely right.

Now, what I have in mind is to try to convince her to come over for dinner and ask her to marry me... when we met last week it was obvious that love and chemistry was still present.
I will do what ever she asks me to do

Do you think it's a good idea ?

Thanks

You're not listening to us. Please work on yourself before you ask her to marry you. The relationship is doomed otherwise.

Wondergirl....while dancing we had a couple of beers each, so she know and didn't say a word about that

Talaniman...thanks for your words. you're absolutely right.

Now, what I have in mind is to try to convince her to come over for dinner and ask her to marry me...when we met last week it was obvious that love and chemistry was still present.
I will do what ever she asks me to do

Do you think it's a good idea ?

Thanks
NO!! Absolutely not!!!!

Well I figured I had to do something.
What are the experts advice ?

Tks

Wondergirl....while dancing we had a couple of beers each, so she know and didn't say a word about that

And what could she have said?? She knows you are still drinking. Yes, beer is alcohol and can get you drunk. If she is enabling you by drinking with you, she needs to attend Al-Anon meetings to realize what she is doing.

Stay away from her until you've been stone-cold sober for at least a year.

She doesn't have a clue how to help you. If she did, she would not see you again until you had helped yourself, and never drank again.

My guess is that, yes, this woman loves you, however the drinking terrifies her. The only way that this could possibly work is if you follow the advice so clearly given. You need to stop drinking totally - and if you don't have a drinking problem this will not be an issue. However, if you do have a drinking problem, then you need to seek support. Contact your local AA group. Go to 4 to 6 meetings (and participate in at least one meeting) before deciding it's not for you. Once you have been clean a sober for at least a year, then you can ask to see her.

In the meantime, the longer you put these things off, the more likely you are to lose her forever. Once you have committed to a program, write her a letter from your heart. Suggest to her that you feel that you two do have a future together, but you want to ensure you remain sober, so you will not see her until you have been sober at least a year. Suggest that if she feels the way about you that you feel she does, that she should attend Al-Anon so she learns about enabling and gets support to help her through your recovery.

I suggest to you, that if you are not willing to give up alcohol, then you have a problem far deeper than you are willing to admit, and you will lose the love of your life forever. I've said it many times in many situations - a person will move mountains to be with the one they truly love.

Good luck!

Hugs, Didi

It sounds like her family has a pretty tight grip on her. If her parents are really the conservative Catholics that you describe them as then I'm surprised they didn't kick her out of the house when she got pregnant with her son (unless she was married to the father at the time but your thread doesn't suggest that.) Are you Catholic by chance? If you're not, that could be the root of her family's problem with you. You also may want to consider giving up drinking as you don't seem to tolerate alcohol well and that could be raising red flags in her family's eyes. I don't know if that's due to your chemotherapy or if your biochemical constitution is just such that it can't handle alcohol ; everyone is different in that regard. Either way, at this point your best move is to probably ask her to meet you for dinner some evening so that the two of you can talk everything out and lay it all on the table, so to speak. Let her know how you're feeling and where you're coming from and insist, nicely, that she do the same. You can't change who she is or force her to make a decision but she has to realize that ultimately the choice is hers, not her family's. From your post you actually sound like a pretty decent, respectable guy, save for your indiscretions when you'd been drinking which is why I suggest that you consider giving up the booze. Perhaps you and she could arrange for a way for you to reconcile and reconnect with her family and let them realize that you've given up drinking. That may restore their confidence in you and cause her to be less leery of progressing in her relationship with you.

S_Cianci,

Thanks for your post.
I guess her parents were intelligent enough to handle the situation when she got pregnant, she was not married by the way.
I am a catholic but on the liberal side of it, I don't think that bothers her parents but most likely the fact that they might think if I did it once I will do it forever.

I realize I sometimes react negatively to alcohol, it makes very insecure and stubborn and that's when I screw up. I don't mind quiting booze completely, I don't drink alone and don't feel the urge to drink.

You're right, the ball is on her side now, there's not much I can do right now, though I'm willing to do anything.
Regarding her family, after the first screw up happened I asked her mom for a minute to have coffee. We did and she told me they were happy when the knew me because they thought I was a good partner for their daughter.

I guess she still thinks she has to decide between her family and me and I think that is wrong. I remember after episode one, she was going to move in with me and once said what if someday we split I will not have you nor my family, that can give you a clue of how she thinks.

That's it, I love her and her child. I hope I can come back here and say thanks for the help and be with her besides me.

You're right, the ball is on her side now, there's not much I can do right now, though I'm willing to do anything.

Anything?? I hear you talking, but don't see you walking. The ball is, and has been in your court.

I agree with all the other answers. Stop drinking. It never helps anything and you may get into worse trouble - somehing that may haunt you for the rest of your life. Go to AA, get counselling. Maybe invite your love to go with you so that she can see that you are serious about straightening out your problem.

WC

I realize I sometimes react negatively to alcohol, it makes very insecure and stubborn and that's when I screw up. I don't mind quiting booze completely, I don't drink alone and don't feel the urge to drink.

Good! Then we will expect to hear that you are attending A.A. meetings and are in their program!

I wouldn't approach her until you've been clean and sober for at least 6 months. I know your will be taking a risk that she'll find someone else, but you have to learn to love yourself first before you can offer that love to anyone else. Your drinking is a major problem, I'm actually surprised that she forgave you the first time, you got drunk and drove, you could have killed yourself and an innocent person that night. Fix your problems first and then go to her. If at that time she decides to take you back then great, if not, you'll have to let her go once and for all and move on with your life, either way, Stop Drinking!