I see myself in the posts I'm reading here, but I also need to get this out and off my chest.
I have known a man for 25 years, since college. We were lovers then. After he graduated, we saw each other sporadically, because of the 350 miles and a college students lack of money, and on my part, other relationships. I have never stopped thinking about him though, and would rather have had a serious relationship with him if he'd appeared to want it. Over the years, he finally got married (no I wasn't invited to the wedding), and now has 2 girls. We have seen each other maybe five times over the last 15 years, and have been intimate only on two occasions, probably only because of lack of opportunity. He even had an unlisted phone number for awhile, which I never had, and so could not contact him confidentially. Now years later, with internet, and his maturing responsibilities, I found a phone number, and after waiting two years before getting up the nerve, I finally called. It resulted in one night (opportunity) in another town. This relationship is different from the ones I see posted because we're not "seeing" each other all the time (still the 350 miles). He has not said he loves me, yet on these two intimate occasions he seemed hesitant in principle only to progress from "seeing on old friend" to intimacy. Yes, he is cheating on his wife, as I am on a longtime boyfriend. But our relationship goes back so long, and for me, has always involved intense feelings. I do believe him when he says he has not stepped out in his marriage except for these two times with me, and I also believe he would continue seeing me if he can. The one friend I have who remembers my infactuation with this man from years ago has not even answered my email, and probably thinks I'm loco. But I am torn up over him. He has told me his wife was unfaithful early in their marriage, but at the time he already had one girl, and didn't want to chance losing her. Please tell me what I should ask this man. I don't even know myself if I am in love with him, but I have fallen hard. I don't think I have the stamina to be the "other woman" for another 20 years, yet right now can't get over him. I think my present relationship (of 15 years also) is one which will not bring happiness to me or him, we just are continuing now because it's "better than nothing" it seems. Thanks all for your time in answering me, it helps knowing I'm not alone.

There must have been something about that 15 year relationship of your's. It seems like you are living with a back-up to something you wish you had. Is that fair?

I'm sure you know that this old relationship is not going to take you anywhere. You should seriously consider total closure.

Without closure, you are not giving yourself a chance. You are stopping yourself from sharing total emotions with your current mate, and that is not fair to either of you. And.. what this other guy is doing to you is not fair. He should be honest with you and tell you to stop chasing him. You did chase him all over the net until you contacted. Why are you doing this to yourself? What do you have to prove?

He is using one excuse after the other, i.e. 350 miles, two children, a wife who was unfaithful... he is definitely not the 'man with a plan'. He is just along for the ride in life, any ride...

Do you really want to go along for an uncertain ride for the rest of your life.

Take a better look at that 'better than nothing' guy. In my book, he's already a hero for coping with what you had to offer so far.

I hope you come to your senses and stop pining over what 'could have been' That's gone... bury it before it buries you.

Good luck dear, I hope you don't wind up all alone in this.. that would really be sad.



http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/10/10_7_8.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZNfox000) Is this really 'better than nothing'? Get up and make what you have work for you.



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You say that he hasn't told you that he loves you, and you also mention intimacy. Could it be that all you are providing is sex?

Also please consider what you deserve, no woman deserves to be the "other woman", if by chance one finds love and the circumstances are not correct. Then between the two, it needs to be decided whether the man wants to leave his spouse. However, being the "other woman" for a period of years is something that no woman deserves.

As for your own relationship, if this is something that you are not excited about. It is something that inevitably needs to end. Take some time apart from both men. You may be surprised with what happens.

Run like the wind. Forget him. You have got away lightly and only hearbreak can come from this.