Hey

I've been with my girlfriend for over a month now and I feel I have very low self-esteem and confidence.

I feel like I'm not good enough for my girlfriend, though I'm torn because it feels we are right for each other; we both have the same temprement and (dare I say it) simple people with simple interests.

I'm trying to understand why I feel like this. Though this feeling is not as strong as when we first started going out... it sort of comes and goes and I do notice I feel it stronger when she "pulls back" and make it seem as though she doesn't need me -- which I think is a primary need for a man -- to feel needed.

I think it could be because I compare myself to other guys, and try to figure out what she sees is me, but I can't see how she can see anything nice...

Like I look at other guys and go (particulary her guy friends);

Ok, he has:

1) A job -- money.
2) Looks... Better body, etc.
3) More out-going -- not as boring.
4) Shares more common interests with her.
5) Less ignorant, more knowledge of the world and therefore provide her more.
6) Experience in relationships -- something which I have little in (I've only ever had one other partner, which lasted 1 and half years).

And then I say to myself... why the hell is she with me?! This thought is really upsetting, and it makes me step back from her in case she finally thinks the same so I don't end up getting hurt...

Does anyone else share my feelings?

I'd love to hear from you :)

Take care

I actually know how you feel, but reverse.. I'm a girl and I feel the same insecurities as you do... this really great guy was paying a lot of attention to me and instead of just going with the flow, I was second-guessing everything.. it's causing a strain between us cause he's holding back more and more now...

You're lucky cause you still have her.. for my case, it never did go anywhere and I don't think it's going to...

But one thing I learned is that sometimes, we just have to kick that low self-esteem in the behind and just do it..

As to what can we do about it? I honestly don't know.. am still trying to find good advice to go about it... but dude, seriously, trust me, I really know how you feel

Well I do have some theories as to why I may feel like this, and some solutions, too.

First of all men typically "value" or "price" themselves based on their possessions, and status. So, for example, what car they drive, their job and their position, and authority. Men are physical beings, but then you have the opposite...

Woman are emotional beings. Their primary need is not the males possessions, his status, etc, but what he can bring emotionally to her for example care, acceptance, validation, and reassurance.

So a man that appears to have absolutely nothing can still provide a woman what she needs; care, attention, devotion, and all of the other things I've just mentioned.

I also think its because sometimes we just decide this is the person I want to love, even if there is someone better out there. This could be because of availability. That person is most "available" to them, or it could be out of fear; you know what you are getting with that person -- but someone knew -- holy crap that's risky, right?

So there is a fundamental difference between you and that person that you feel insecure about; they love you... not them. They have devoted and committed themselve to you and to stand by you and no one else. If you do not accept this you show to them you do not trust them, and ironically, they will pull away because of this mistrust.

But then again, I've never been good at taking my own advice!

Hello aa:

Stop thinking, and start doing. Want confidence?? Go join Toastmasters. It's fun too.

excon

If she didn't like you she would not be with you now. I wouldn't stress too much about this. Maybe their is a book you can read up about this.

Well I do have some theories as to why I may feel like this, and some solutions, too.

First of all men typically "value" or "price" themselves based on their possessions, and status. So, for example, what car they drive, their job and their position, and authority. Men are physical beings, but then you have the oposite...

Woman are emotional beings. Their primary need is not the males posessions, his status, etc, but what he can bring emotionally to her for example care, acceptance, validation, and reassurance.

So a man that appears to have absolutely nothing can still provide a woman what she needs; care, attention, devotion, and all of the other things I've just mentioned.

I also think its because sometimes we just decide this is the person I want to love, even if there is someone better out there. This could be because of availability. That person is most "available" to them, or it could be out of fear; you know what you are getting with that person -- but someone knew -- holy crap that's risky, right?

So there is a fundamental difference between you and that person that you feel insecure about; they love you... not them. They have devoted and committed themselve to you and to stand by you and no one else. If you do not accept this you show to them you do not trust them, and ironically, they will pull away because of this mistrust.

But then again, I've never been good at taking my own advice!
Despite your last sentence, reread your own post. You've essentially summed up what everything is all about regarding men and women and what attracts them to each other (or not.) Yes, women are emotional, not material (despite popular stereotypes), so a man's wealth, status and possessions really mean nothing in the long run. What is important is self-confidence and how you carry yourself. Women will interpret that, rightly or wrongly, as an indicator of how you'll meet their emotional needs and, consequently, indicate whether they'll be attracted to you. Comparing yourself negatively to other people is not good. Be who you are, be confident about it and don't let anyone make you feel guilty about it. Probably the #1 killer of self-esteem and self-confidence is the belief that you have to live up to everyone else's beliefs and expectations instead of your own. That's not to say that you should go out of your way to be a rebel but you do need to recognize and acknowledge your own right to live the way you want to live and be who you are.

Despite your last sentence, reread your own post. You've essentially summed up what everything is all about regarding men and women and what attracts them to each other (or not.) Yes, women are emotional, not material (despite popular stereotypes), so a man's wealth, status and possessions really mean nothing in the long run. What is important is self-confidence and how you carry yourself. Women will interpret that, rightly or wrongly, as an indicator of how you'll meet their emotional needs and, consequently, indicate whether or not they'll be attracted to you. Comparing yourself negatively to other people is not good. Be who you are, be confident about it and don't let anyone make you feel guilty about it. Probably the #1 killer of self-esteem and self-confidence is the belief that you have to live up to everyone else's beliefs and expectations instead of your own. That's not to say that you should go out of your way to be a rebel but you do need to recognize and acknowledge your own right to live the way you want to live and be who you are.

Yes and you have raised a very important point in self-esteem and self-confidence; expectations.

When you come out of college or university your expected to land a high paying job. Your expected by society to have a partner, possibly even be married by a certain age and have children. Of course, this all depends upon the way you are brought up, your surroundings, and other beliefs that can influence your expectations, such as religion.

But the key to self-esteem and confidence is break free of all expectations -- to let go of everything and ultimately do what you want to do. You will always chose to do something that makes you happy if you do this, instead of forcing potential happiness onto yourself, e.g. by getting a partner or career in a certain area that has been "destined" to you since early childhood.

Although I do not nessarsarily agree with your point about carrying yourself well, making it look like you have a lot of confidence even if you don't. Generally this is true but I think there is an exception to this. Woman like things they can share with their partner, experiences, feelings, personality; anything that they can relate to their partner. If they are self-concious or have low self-esteem, they can relate to a partner that possesses this same quality. And guess what. My partner does half low self-esteem, is self conscious and at times quite self-pitiful. She has something to relate to. We can both share the feeling; she no longer feels alone.

Take care

But the key to self-esteem and confidence is break free of all expectations -- to let go of everything and ultimately do what you want to do. Hello again:

BS! More airy fairy psycobabble. Which came first? Confidence, or a reason to be confident?? Me?? I vote for the latter. Want to increase your self-esteem?? Go get good at something -- really, really good.

excon

Hello again:

BS! More airy fairy psycobabble. Which came first? Confidence, or a reason to be confident??? Me??? I vote for the latter. Want to increase your self-esteem???? Go get good at something -- really, really good.

excon

I agree that having a particular hobby or doing something positive, focusing your energy on it, and getting "really, really good" at it, as you say, is certainly a solution to gaining more confidence but that's only half the story.

If something is battering you consistently -- telling you "no... you should be doing ~this~" -- does that not knock your confidence?

Hello again, a:

I am NOT UN-familiar with the little voice in your head. What I'M saying, is take ACTION in spite of the voice. In time, maybe the voice will change its tune when it see's you're not buying it any more. In fact, THAT'S what confidence IS - changing the conversation in your head.

But, even if you do things right, there's no guarantee things'll turn out OK.

excon

Aa, how old are you? Did you get kicked around a lot when you were little or were your parents not very encouraging of anything you did? It sounds like you spend too much time overanalyzing your life rather than just going with the flow and enjoying yourself and your girl. You are doing what I call the mindeffing routine (I cleaned it up a bit). Stop questioning yourself, your situation and your girl's motives. If your girlfriend didn't want to be with you, she wouldn't. You keep this stuff up, and she won't want to be around you. Women don't like insecure men. It is draining. I would dump you in a heartbeat if you started spouting that kind of existensial (sp?) nonsense around me. You are wasting valuable time, and chipping away at your self-esteem with this nonsensical psychoanalysis of your situation. Excon is right. Just go out and enjoy yourself. Stop worrying. If you don't, you will never find contentment or enjoyment in your relationship. Maybe you will eventually figure it all out and let go of your insecurities by the time you're are an old git like excon.

aa, how old are you? Did you get kicked around a lot when you were little or were your parents not very encouraging of anything you did?


No. Did you? You seem bitter about something.


It sounds like you spend too much time overanalyzing your life rather than just going with the flow and enjoying yourself and your girl.


I agree with you completey. I do tend to over analyse everything and end up seeing things that aren't really there because of my own insecurities. I shouldn't look at things so deeply, but I'm afraid that's just who I am. Who are you to question my mindfullness?


You are doing what I call the mindeffing routine (I cleaned it up a bit). Stop questioning yourself, your situation and your girl's motives. If your girlfriend didn't want to be with you, she wouldn't.

I agree.


You keep this stuff up, and she won't want to be around you. Women don't like insecure men. It is draining.

Yeah being around people with low self-esteem is draining. But guess what. Asking them if they were beaten as a child or not appreciated by their parents doesn't help, at all. Maybe your hoping for some reverse physcology type thing there... I'm not sure. Or maybe you did have a point there... this does go deeper to something that happened in my childhood.


I would dump you in a heartbeat if you started spouting that kind of existensial (sp?) nonsense around me.


I don't start anything around her. I'm very, very good at hiding my deeper feelings, and I think I come off as being very confident around her.

Though if she started saying to me she feels insecure and has low self-esteem -- I wouldn't dump her in a heartbeat. You would dump someone you love because they have low self-esteem? Maybe you haven't loved someone unconditionally in that case, and you know what, they deserve to be dumped by you.



You are wasting valuable time, and chipping away at your self-esteem with this nonsensical psychoanalysis of your situation. Excon is right. Just go out and enjoy yourself. Stop worrying. If you don't, you will never find contentment or enjoyment in your relationship. Maybe you will eventually figure it all out and let go of your insecurities by the time you're are an old git like excon.

I agree. Stop worrying and let go. Look at the bigger picture, sit back and just be happy that we're together.

Take care

Well, I guess you aren't as low on self-esteem and confidence as you say you are my dear. ;)

Originally Posted by RubyPitbull
Aa, how old are you? Did you get kicked around a lot when you were little or were your parents not very encouraging of anything you did?


No. Did you? You seem bitter about something.

That was a fair question from Ruby. It would certainly be one a good counselor would ask you. It immediately came to MY mind. Oh, and yes, I'm a counselor.


this does go deeper to something that happened in my childhood.

*cough*

Well I don't think this relates to my childhood personally.

It just seemed like a rather childish remark or question... almost on the same par as saying "were you dropped on your head as a child?"

Oh, and if a counselor ever asked me "were you kicked around a lot by your parents?" -- I would walk straight out that door. I would hope a counselor be more tactful than that.

I think the self confidence issue may come from not being appreciated throughout life, such as school, college, etc, and nothing to do with my parents who have always been very supportive of me.

And yeah just get out there and do things and instantly become confident. Easier said than done.

Would you say to a blind man -- "Just open your damn eyes and see"?

Don't think so.

Take care

Well, you are now misquoting me. I meant "kicked around" in school or by other kids, not your parents. Sorry, I should have worded it differently so you wouldn't misunderstand and take offense. I was just reviewing your other questions about this situation. Do you think that your low self-esteem/confidence is getting kicked up a notch because you are frustrated by your situation with your girlfriend? Meaning, are you starting to doubt that she finds you sexually attractive and you think it is due to something about you or your personality?

Do you think that your low self-esteem/confidence is getting kicked up a notch because you are frustrated by your situation with your girlfriend? Meaning, are you starting to doubt that she finds you sexually attractive and you think it is due to something about you or your personality?

Yes I think your right. I am very frustrated right now as she doesn't seem to care much about me or be her normal loving self over the past week. I guess I am feeling insecure and have a low self-esteem because I'm scared she doesn't love me anymore.

I appreciate your advice and I did take a bit of offense of what you said because I am feeling abit sensitive and delicate right now, but I am trying my hardest to not take things personally, and be understanding.

Take care

It matters not what she sees in your but how she treats YOU. What you see in her is actually more important. Those guy friends may have those things but may suck at everything else that you shine at. The best way to compete is by maintaining a progressive stance on your own personal growth. Be with her but be for yourself too. Stop thinking of "what does she see in me?" and start thinking of "what can I do to be the best that I can be?". That is not set by her. Abandon the paranoid notions you are not enough, because perhaps she is not enough. Strive to be the best. For whatever reason she likes you better than anyone else so have confidence. You were good enough for her to dig you in the first place right? Don't lose those origins. Always challenge her keep her on her toes. Improve and change, become somewhat indifferent. Treat her like a lady but don't bow down to all her whims. If she wants to go to a fish restaurant say you don't want to and that you want barbecue and make a point of it. The next day buy her flowers. Then the next day make fun of her in a slightly coy way about something she is insecure about her ears or her mouth whatever then and seem serious and then change the subject then after a short while give her a compliment. She wants to sit on your lap, tell her no way. Then when she isn't expecting it, later on, grab her and give her a big hug. It's a chess match. You keep her on her toes she will forever dig you.

"were you kicked around a lot by your parents?" -- I would walk straight out that door. I would hope a counselor be more tactful than that.

That wasn't her question. No, a counselor wouldn't ask you that as you were hanging up your coat and sitting down, but certainly a version of that question would be asked along the way.

Please stop being unfair to us.

but don't bow down to all her whims. If she wants to go to a fish restaurant say you don't want to and that you want barbecue and make a point of it. The next day buy her flowers. Then the next day make fun of her in a slightly coy way about something she is insecure about her ears or her mouth whatever then and seem serious and then change the subject then after a short while give her a compliment. She wants to sit on your lap, tell her no way. Then when she isn't expecting it, later on, grab her and give her a big hug. It's a chess match. You keep her on her toes she will forever dig you.

You were doing real good until you got to the comments above.

Pulling/pushing her down is NOT the way to make him feel better.

Aa, the reason I asked your age is because your question is one that a lot of young people ask. I see from your other responses that you are 20. I also see that you haven't really had the kind of communication with your girl that you want to have due to her shyness and discomfort. You mentioned that she has been with other guys but are you 100% sure she isn't a virgin or someone with very limited sexual experience? She just might be afraid. If she was raised in a household where she was told sex is wrong, she may be suffering from mixed feelings about this whole thing. Maybe she wants to have sex with you but is afraid once she does, you won't want her anymore. It really could be any number of things. This really is all about her and what is going on with her, not you. At your age, I can understand your confusion and your doubting yourself. But trust me, it is all about her. She knows what you want and she is uncomfortable.

By the way, other people here were telling you to start some other hobbies or do other things instead of dwelling on your issues. It isn't a light switch situation, it really has everything to do with getting out and spending time with your friends or doing something else that you enjoy besides driving yourself nuts over what is going on in your girlfriends head. We can't do anything about the things we don't have control over. AND, you do not have control over her feelings and thoughts. Her hesitancy or shyness to discuss this aspect of your relationship is a HUGE problem. Not being able to communicate your feelings to your partner and work on a solution, will absolutely doom a relationship. It leaves too much room for speculation -- which is what you are doing. When we sit down, and try to figure something out that is going on with someone else without any explanations, we just get nowhere except to really drive ourselves nuts. So, you need to start refocusing your attention on the things in life (other than your girlfriend) that you enjoy. Get your butt out and hang with friends, go visit your family, go volunteer your time to an organization that you believe in (ex, volunteer at an animal rescue group or be a "big brother" to a boy who doesn't have a father or brother to do things with).

Well I think the point enigmagnetic was trying to make was really about taking things for granted.

If you let her get too comfortable and be overtly nice towards her -- she will take advantage of you and start to take things you do for granted. But I don't think deliberately causing problems is the correct thing to do, either.

I think a happy medium should be found. Show to her that you need respect just as much as she needs it. Accept that people aren't perfect and we don't all want the same thing.

Well I think the point enigmagnetic was trying to make was really about taking things for granted.

If you let her get too comfortable and be overtly nice towards her -- she will take advantage of you and start to take things you do for granted. But I don't think deliberatly causing problems is the correct thing to do, either.

I think a happy medium should be found. Show to her that you need respect just as much as she needs it. Accept that people aren't perfect and we don't all want the same thing.


I know my methods seem somewhat cruel but I'm never mean about it and they work very well for me. You treat her with chivalry open doors treat her like a lady but you must act like a man. That means always, always show composure. I had loads of problems with my ex when I began acting paranoid. It's cause and effect. I'm not saying deliberately cause problems, I'm saying don't be predictable, and a pushover. Changing your mind about a restaurant and coyly making fun of a personal appearance is hardly a problem especially when you come back and give her more in return. That's not being problematic, that is being unpredictable. The two last sentences I fully agree with it. When men cede complete control to the woman, emotionally financially, phsyically what have you they lose her. It's a fact.

aa, the reason I asked your age is because your question is one that a lot of young people ask. I see from your other responses that you are 20.

Yeah I can see why... because young people, like myself, are inexperienced and therefore feel inferior. We try to understand what is going on but mostly fail because of lack of experience.


I also see that you haven't really had the kind of communication with your girl that you want to have due to her shyness and discomfort.

If I'm honest I haven't really pushed her into talking about it all, or about our relationship at all or where its going. I think it could be still early days for that talk? My commitment might actually scare her.


You mentioned that she has been with other guys but are you 100% sure she isn't a virgin or someone with very limited sexual experience? She just might be afraid.

Possibly. I know she's had many past boyfriends and I'm pretty sure she's not a virgin! I can't say I've hidden a camera in her past boyfriends room and can see she's pretty good with them, but taking an educated guess I'd say she's much more experienced than me.


If she was raised in a household where she was told sex is wrong, she may be suffering from mixed feelings about this whole thing. Maybe she wants to have sex with you but is afraid once she does, you won't want her anymore.

I'm not too sure. She does seem to be very respectful of her parents attitudes and feelings. And I still want her either way, so she really has nothing to worry about at all.


It really could be any number of things. This really is all about her and what is going on with her, not you. At your age, I can understand your confusion and your doubting yourself. But trust me, it is all about her. She knows what you want and she is uncomfortable.


She seems very distant from me right now... and you might think that's a sign of that she just doesn't want me anymore... but I can tell she does care about me and is still interested. I think I'm seeing her on Tuesday and I'm seriously thinking about talking to her, but I'm so worried about how to approach this and what the outcome will be.

I know my methods seem somewhat cruel

Yes, they certainly do.


you must act like a man

Making fun of her flaws isn't manly. You "come back and give more in return"? Sorry, but first impressions will linger long after your "corrections".


When men cede complete control to the woman, emotionally financially, phsyically what have you they lose her. It's a fact.

I thought the aim is compromise and cooperation. Where did the idea of control come from?

Yes, they certainly do.



Making fun of her flaws isn't manly. You "come back and give more in return"? Sorry, but first impressions will linger long after your "corrections".



I thought the aim is compromise and cooperation. Where did the idea of control come from?

It's hard to explain.

1. They SEEM cruel.

2. I'm not saying laugh at deep emotional flaws, I'm saying POKE fun of small cosmetic flaws in a joking way, then compliment her intensely. It's about being unpredictable. If you're that insecure about or upset by a joke about big ears where it may end a 2 year relationship then there are worse problems you should be addressing. This is advice specific to him and is subjective so I hope you pardon it's gray scale.

3.My aim is to compromise, and ceding complete control over to someone else is not compromising or is it? When he lets her affect him as much as she does emotionally all the time he is ceding emotional control. I'm saying he must have strength and maintain emotional composure even when facing the difficult task of that very compromise you speak of. You misunderstand me and take me for a misogynistic male fathead. I'm not condoning abusive treatment only joking and playful (not serious) methods of keeping yourself fresh and new. You're taking a defensive stance because you are typifying my advice as male bs. That's not my aim. Hence why I tell him to be chivalrous and open doors. You must treat her like a lady while not ceding your manhood. If you want a guy who bows to your every wish and lets you easily emotionally control him than I accept your disagreement. Otherwise am I really that irrational?

1. They SEEM cruel.

No, they ARE cruel.


I'm not saying laugh at deep emotional flaws, I'm saying POKE fun of small cosmetic flaws in a joking way

Oh, I'm soooooooooo relieved to hear that explanation. That's so much kinder.


then compliment her intensely

But she turns off during the cruel joke part, and doesn't hear the stammered compliment.


It's about being unpredictable.

THAT'S how to be unpredictable?? Um, you missed Unpredictibility 101.


ceding complete control over to someone else is not compromising or is it?

Nope, it's not.


When he lets her affect him as much as she does emotionally all the time he is ceding emotional control. I'm saying he must have strength and maintain emotional composure even when facing the difficult task of that very compromise you speak of. [He] must treat her like a lady while not ceding [his] manhood.

Great! Now, let's discuss helpful and useful ways to accomplish that, to keep his emotional self intact as well as to encourage hers.

I doubt I can convince you, Wondergirl, that my means are not malicious to you since you seem to be taking this almost personally. I'm sorry but I have to disagree with your opinion. I hate to say it but you seem overtly defensive, almost like I hit a special sore spot. I'm not going to retract my statement because I've actually shopped this idea around quite a bit and most women I've talked to agree with me on how to keep a woman interested in this way. Perhaps I haven't articulated myself in the same way here. Now I do agree he must be a gentleman (remember I said chivalrous) and make sure he is supporting as a man. A man should be supportive and willing to listen and compromise. You seem to be focusing intently on the pokeing fun bit. When you're in a committed long relationship it's easier to have inside jokes and the ability to kid with each other like I state. It seems you're missing that point. I really don't understand why it's so cruel, I'm not saying anything that bad. I think the worst I ever did to my ex was call her a major geek. I made fun of her snorting and poked fun by saying she was nerdy which she reciprocated. I kept it lighthearted but was witty towards her and when I was like that she was totally into me. I poked fun at her harmless insecurities and then I would give her deep compliments like how she was effective at sensing how to bring together different people from different walks of life. When I got serious like our protagonist AAII it went down hill. When I lost confidence in myself and when I lost the ability to exude a bit of bravado she lost interest. I don't think you're analyzing my statement as I intend to portray it. Please consider what I'm saying and realize that you are being very vague in your definition of cruelty. If you think that is cruel you may as well not watch comedy shows or joke around with friends and poke fun at them. I mean really, it would seem boring to me, to have to be serious all the time. That's just me. Take it how you will wondergirl. Finally what would you suggest he try? I will drop this because I truly don't feel a need to defend my statement any further but I thank you for your opinion of what I think, and for your attempt to help in any case.

I poked fun at her harmless insecurities and then I would give her deep compliments

As long as she gets equal time to poke fun at your insecurities and then give you deep compliments, and you two walk off into the sunset holding hands, that's fine with me. I object to your advising others that this is a desirable thing. Yes, it can work in a long-time, solid relationship, as long as each knows what the other is about.

And I thank you for your incorrect assumptions about me. They told me a lot about how you relate.

If they are self-conscious or have low self-esteem, they can relate to a partner that possesses this same quality. Don't be so sure. Actually the reverse may be true. Women often expect the men in their lives to "carry" them, so to speak. What I mean by that is that they expect you to compensate for what they perceive as lacking in themselves. That said, a woman with low self-confidence may want and expect a man to be extremely confident in order to make up for their own lack of self-confidence. Men tend to do the same thing as well in expecting their women to own the traits that they perceive themselves as lacking. In fact this is one of the big reasons relationships fail, because we insist that our partners carry too much of a load for us and become angry and resentful of them when they don't or can't. For example, I happen to be a fairly reserved person. I really wouldn't call myself shy but I'm not super outgoing or friendly either. During my bachelor years I found it very difficult to maintain the attraction and interest of women who were the same way, even when I found them interesting and to my liking. I think that a big reason for that was that these women were not interested in a man who possessed the same traits as themselves. They wanted a man who was friendly and outgoing, to make up for the lack of that trait in themselves. That's not really a healthy basis for a relationship in my opinion but that's often how it works.

As long as she gets equal time to poke fun at your insecurities and then give you deep compliments, and you two walk off into the sunset holding hands, that's fine with me. I object to your advising others that this is a desirable thing. Yes, it can work in a long-time, solid relationship, as long as each knows what the other is about.

And I thank you for your incorrect assumptions about me.


That's what he is in. His trouble is that he feels they may be cooling off a bit. That's why I said my advice was specific to his situation. And of course it's on equal footing. If she does it even better because now she's into the little fun game. This is wonderful in the long run. My parents still poke fun at each other, in not a disrespectful manner, and they are going on 30 years of marriage and are still happy. I'm not advising everyone within this post just AAII. I'm not saying disrespect a woman at all. In fact you only make her realize that she is silly for being so uptight or vise versa. It isn't an effort to gain the upper hand only to spark the flames and keep them burning. Confidence is key.

Edit; I apologize if I was incorrect with how I see your defensive posts, but it's what you have projected to me, much like your assumptions than I'm cruel. So I guess I thank you as well about your incorrect assumptions about me.

Sorry, scianci --Jung called this our "shadow" self, the opposite of what we are, what we look for in others, especially in significant others.

When you're in a committed long relationship it's easier to have inside jokes and the ability to kid with each other like I state. It seems you're missing that point.

The questioner has been in a relationship for only a month, he said. You are talking about a
"committed long" one. That's why I differed with you.

The questioner has been in a relationship for only a month, he said. You are talking about a
"committed long" one. That's why I differed with you.


:eek: Ah. I humbly request your apologies and understanding. I will leave my posts there to showcase what pigheadedness and an inability to pay attention to details can do. :o
What can I say oops? I guess my argument would be valid, to me, if he was actually in a long relationship. I could have sworn it said two years. I must be posting too much. So AAII, just have confidence I yourself. It's only been a month, don't get to serious with it that quickly, and ease up and be more casual. Man wondergirl, can you ever look past this? Guess that's why I'm a junior member heh uh.

I may have to put you on the Naughty Chair for fifteen minutes, enigmagnetic.

(I was wondering why you were being so pigheaded!! )

I have written a love letter this morning and I would like to share it with you all.

I just really want to know if I should show her it when I see her on Tuesday? I'm worried that because we have been back together only 2 weeks it maybe too early or pushy to be writing this kind of stuff, but then I think if we don't clear these things up it won't last much longer anyway

Well here's the letter. I'd love to know what you all think :)

---------------

I'm fed up of feeling alone in this relationship. I don't like it when I have to keep asking for time to spend together. I hate it when you are reserved and act coldy towards me. I don't like it when I feel rejected that you do not want a sexual relationship with me. I don't like it when you hide things from me such as your feelings and things I do wrongly to annoy you. I hate hurting you because I only want to make things strong between us.

I feel sad when it feels like you do not think about me. I feel disappointed because in the beginning your love was so strong but now it almost seems forced, and it really hurts me to think that. I feel sad when I upset you because you mean the world to me, and it hurts when you don't trust me to tell me what's wrong.

I'm scared that you don't love me anymore. I feel alone in all of this desperatly trying to find my way to you, but it feels like you don't want to know. It feels like after all these years I have finally found someone special and I'm now scared to lose you. But it feels like I have already lost you because of the way you have been acting. You aren't the same as you use to be in the beginning. I'm afraid of being alone and misunderstood, not needed and things carrying on the way they are. I'm scared I'm going to lose you completely because of us growing further and further apart.

I'm sorry that I do things to annoy you. I never mean to hurt you deliberately in anything I do. Please forgive me for starting silly arguments because I was scared that you didn't care anymore. I'm sorry for feeling insecure at times when I really need you. I never meant to cause you to be upset because I care about you so much.

I understand that you are busy and sometimes its just not possible to text or spend time together and that sometimes your just not in the mood to do anything sexual. I understand that you are scared to tell me things in case I get mad at you but I would love you to tell me what you want, and I promise from now on I will listen and not be mad but thank you for bringing it up. I loved taking you to horse riding and places you want to go to because I love seeing you happy. I love it when it feels like you need me and want me around. I love your warmth, and to me you are so beautiful. Your just so damn special to me and you're the only girl I want. If I ever lost you I would be lost.

You've opened up a side of me... You have shown me what it means to care and love someone.

I love you, always and forever.

I think you are apologizing too much. I also think you are promising too much. You have a lot to offer a girl. Have confidence in yourself--remember?? You're a good writer and a romantic thinker.

The only part of your letter that plucked my heartstrings was the end (and I tweaked it a bit). In my humble opinion, that's all you need to give to her to get your point across --

"I love taking you horseback riding and to other special places because I love seeing you happy. I love it when we are together. I love your warmth and your enthusiasm. You're just so damn special to me and the only girl I want in my life. If I ever lost you, it would be the end of my world."

The only part of your letter that plucked my heartstrings was the end (and I tweaked it a bit). In my humble opinion, that's all you need to give to her to get your point across --

What do you mean "thats all you need to give to her to get your point across?" Do you mean the whole letter?

I can see why the ending plucked your heartstrings because the end paragraph is about love how much I love her. The rest won't pluck her heart but it might possibly make her realise how much she's affecting me, and hopefully by the end of the letter she will see how much I love her.

I still think you would be going about it with too much apologizing and explanation. It was getting so ponderous that I almost didn't finish reading it, and would have missed your love-letter part.

If anything, only BRIEFLY mention the other stuff. What you promise is wonderful, but will you deliver?? Actions speak louder than words. Your apologies got to be almost too much to handle.

Write her mainly a love letter and tell her how important she is to you. She will get the point.

I still think you would be going about it with too much apologizing and explanation. It was getting so ponderous that I almost didn't finish reading it, and would have missed your love-letter part.

Yeah it does go on abit... But this letter isn't about one specific thing, its about our relationship as a whole, so I feel quite a bit has to be mentioned!


If anything, only BRIEFLY mention the other stuff.

I think I do mention briefly?


What you promise is wonderful, but will you deliver?? Actions speak louder than words. Your apologies got to be almost too much to handle.

Well, she has told me before (after we broke up) the little things I did to annoy her (shes extremely sensitive)... I didn't even realise they annoyed her! I was ignorant of them... Now I'm much more aware and I don't do those things anymore.

I think the main problem is communication between us.


Write her mainly a love letter and tell her how important she is to you. She will get the point.

Yes she will get the point, but she won't get the point of how *I* feel -- how she's affecting me. So I guess in a way its not really a love letter but a love letter of complaint ;)

...


I'm still really worried about giving it to her. I'll take it anyway and leave it in my car and decide on the day whether I should or not.

Aa, it is good that you are getting all you are feeling out and on paper. However, I agree with Wondergirl.

Something for you to think about, a love letter doesn't talk about the things you hate in a relationship. That first line is a bit scary! You are fed up? That isn't something to say to someone who you are trying to win over. A love letter is all about telling the other person all the wonderful things about them that make them unique, desirable and why you love them.

What I am reading in your letter is that you are very frustrated. It is okay to tell someone how you feel, that is part of what I was talking about with communication. But, if you get angry with her often (as you seem to suggest in your letter) you need to reevaluate what your expectations of a relationship are. I really don't mean to be picking at you here, but I must say, as an objective third party, you seem to want and expect quite a lot from a girl after only one month. You are pushing her too hard honey. I noticed that you totally ignored the suggestions I made in my post for you to do some positive things that you enjoy on your own. You are obsessing too much about this relationship. That isn't good for your mental health. Don't ignore doing the things outside of any relationship you are in that give you enjoyment. You need to be comfortable with yourself and who you are, before you can expect to find satisfaction and completeness with another person.

its not really a love letter but a love letter of complaint ;)

.....


I'm still really worried about giving it to her.

No, it's not a love letter. And, yes, you should be worried about giving it to her.

If you give that letter to her, plan on looking for another girlfriend.

Well... I guess no its not a love letter as such more of just a letter to express to her my feelings.

Yeah I agree that first line is very scary and would be a bit of a punch in the chest. Maybe I should change it :)

And the letter is in distinct format...

Blame / Anger
Sadness / Hurt
Fear / Insecurities
Regret / Sorry
Love / Understanding

It's a technique Dr. John Gray teaches to help couples express their feelings to their partner. He terms it the "love letter" -- But I guess it isn't really that as such because, like you said, it does start very negatively.

The point is to express to her how I feel, my fears, problems in the relationship, etc, and not so much to smother her with love throughout the whole letter.

I actually think my expectations of the relationship are quite low. I think the thing that has got the better of me, if you read the letter, is just that she doesn't seem to be what she was like at the beginning. She's much more reserved and cold, and I say towards the end I want her to be more open with me and help me understand why she's feeling like this, whatever the reason -- even if it is that she doesn't find me attractive anymore, or she doesn't think we are right for each other. Whatever the reason... I just want to know so it doesn't eat me up inside. :)

Oh and I think it could be because her expectations were quite high at first and slowly over time she saw I wasn't perfect. I have my little faults -- so she thinks I'm not so special, after all.

Now, tell us what the letter really says about YOU.

Btw, Dr. Gray got his degree by correspondence, so please don't take his words with anything more than a grain of salt. And yes, he gave a catchy name to a perennial relationship problem and made a fortune, but that doesn't mean he's the cat's meow when it comes to solving relationship problems.

Ok but I do agree with a lot of what he says, and that letter of using different "levels" I think is very effective.

What does the letter say about me? Well maybe you should tell me that.

But I think the letter says that I expect more respect, care and love from her by her doing little things like sending a text to remind me she's thinking of me, take initive in arranging times when we can spend together, etc. It also shows my willingness and need to make an effort to communicate our feelings and problems with each other. I think it shows that I have a lot of love to give, show I really do love her and are seriously willing to commit to our relationship and make things work. I think it shows I am very sensitive and shows that although I'm not perfect, I try my hardest to understand her and will try even harder in the future.

What do you think it shows? :)

Ok but I do agree with a lot of what he says, and that letter of using different "levels" I think is very effective.

What does the letter say about me? Well maybe you should tell me that.

But I think the letter says that I expect more respect, care and love from her by her doing little things like sending a text to remind me shes thinking of me, take initive in arranging times when we can spend together, etc. It also shows my willingness and need to make an effort to communicate our feelings and problems with each other. I think it shows that I have a lot of love to give, show I really do love her and are seriously willing to commit to our relationship and make things work. I think it shows I am very sensitive and shows that although I'm not perfect, I try my hardest to understand her and will try even harder in the future.

What do you think it shows? :)

I didn't say Dr. Gray is incorrect, but merely said he, with his correspondence degree, took an established idea about men and women and popularized it--and made a fortune. Long live our free enterprise system!

I do very much disagree with his "levels" idea. You agree; I disagree. We need one more person to break the tie?

I'll reread your letter and let you know what I think. Right now I'm working on the hard Sunday crossword puzzle.

No offence, Wondergirl, but in most of this thread you seem to have only really been focusing on peoples disagreements. I'm not saying your arguing about this, but it seems a lot of things set alarm clocks off for you?

By all means have your opinions, but I would appreciate it if you could focus more on what I said that relates to the problem at hand ;)

P.S. Sorry if I seem frustrated, but its because I am! I write a long post about how I feel and you focus on our different views, not on what I wrote!

Take care

You have been dating this girl for only a month and already are planning to send her this letter that shows how much you are obsessing over this relationship. You are picking it apart bit by bit. Does it really need this much analysis at this early stage?

Like someone earlier said, get involved with other people and things so this girl is not the center of your life. Even better, arrange for several sessions with a good counselor who will be more than glad to work with you on building your confidence and assessing how you come off to others.

Had you been dating this girl for a year or two with a lot of frequency and fun times, and then experienced the feelings you have, this letter would be more appropriate.

That's what I feared to begin with and I think after all... I'll just try and be my best for her and maybe casually bring up issues every now and then.

Thanks for staying focused on the question.

I just received a text from her saying she's had a bad weekend and is asking how mine was and hopes I'm all OK. Its little things like this that make me think she still cares. Its just that I hadn't heard from her since Friday, and I normally would, and that she doesn't seem to respond to nice things I say to her anymore. Like if you say to someone you love them, you want them to say it back. She practically ignores it. I said to you don't seem to like me saying those things to you anymore (things like I want to hold you tightly) and she said "no I do like it" :)

Think I need to get a backbone.

Appreciate all your help.

Take care

If they are self-concious or have low self-esteem, they can relate to a partner that posesses this same quality. And guess what. My partner does half low self-esteem, is self concious and at times quite self-pitiful. She has something to relate to. We can both share the feeling; she no longer feels alone.

I would tend to agree with this. Water seeks its own level.

However, I have noticed friends who were strong and got with weak insecure girls. The insecure girls would try to beat them down to their level. Most times the relationship ended because of the head games the weak play and the frustration the strong go through thinking they have done wrong. I have seen it with both men and women.

Then the weak ends up with a weak partner and guess what, they end up not respecting their partner, so they are miserable and seek another partner, and the cycle goes on and on until a couple is comfortable but not really happy and just stay together.

The focus needs to be on you and getting strong.

You can do anything if you put your mind to it. In fact, you are starting to by reading this blog and learning. Fear is just not knowing the outcome, but education helps you know the outcome.

However, I have noticed friends who were strong and got with weak insecure girls. The insecure girls would try to beat them down to their level. Most times the relationship ended because of the head games the weak play and the frustration the strong go through thinking they have done wrong. I have seen it with both men and women.

Then the weak ends up with a weak partner and guess what, they end up not respecting their partner, so they are miserable and seek another partner, and the cycle goes on and on until a couple is comfortable but not really happy and just stay together.



This is what happened with me. :( I was much stronger and it frustrated me to no end.

DO NOT, I REPEAT DO NOT GIVE HER THIS LETTER!

1. It will turn her away because now this relationship is not light and fun the way it should be, and;
2. She will use it to show her friends

If you have an issue, talk to her personally. You really need to back way off.

Plus, what the rush about the sex anyway. Take the time, be friends, enjoy doing things together and go with the flow. Women want what they can't have and you are gushing your heart out to her, she has you. Also, Dr Grey is full of crap, don't listen to a word he says.

For example in your letter you stated: I'm fed up of feeling alone in this relationship. I don't like it when I have to keep asking for time to spend together. I hate it when you are reserved and act coldy towards me (First - this is a sign that she is not interested and when she reads it she will be thinking - "Whatever"). But here is how I would handle it.

Why don't you say, "hey are you happy? then listen to what she says, if she asks why, say, I don't know, it just feels like you have been a little distant and cold and I want you to be happy, so talk to me"

Like if you say to someone you love them, you want them to say it back.

After 1 month you are saying you love her! You are infatuated not in love. The lesson that you need to learn at this age is to be a challenge, and keep it light and fun.

You have done the complete opposite. What you want can only be achieved if she is chasing you, then she will experience all of the feelings that you are going through and be thinking of you 24/7 like you are doing now.

Why are you thinking like this? Because she is not available. Look at what she is doing and do the same thing. Maybe you can pull out of the nosedive.

I think that you chased her away, you came on too hard, too fast, plus she should be saying the "I love yous" for awhile before you say it. And now you are going to send a letter, your done.

After 1 month you are saying you love her! done.

This is why I had originally thought he had a long relationship. That's lightspeed emotion

After 1 month you are saying you love her! You are infatuated not in love. The lesson that you need to learn at this age is to be a challenge, and keep it light and fun.

Yeah I agree I am infatuated by her. We both have said we love each other, so even if it is infactuation, I *think* we're both on the same level.


You have done the complete opposite. What you want can only be achieved if she is chasing you, then she will experience all of the feelings that you are going through and be thinking of you 24/7 like you are doing now.

I don't think I agree with this simply because when I pull back, e.g. I don't text her and I normally would, or stop saying certain things to her, she doesn't seem to start chasing me.

And I wouldn't know if she was thinking about me 24/7. Somedays I doubt she even thought of me at all.


Why are you thinking like this? Because she is not available. Look at what she is doing and do the same thing. Maybe you can pull out of the nosedive.

Well recently I have taken a step back, just like it feels she has, but I now feel like because I've stepped back she thinks I no longer care and that she no longer cares! I just feel like we are growing very very distant... though that feeling is quickly forgotten when we are together. It's hard to get to that point of being together though because during the week she seems to not be bothered about making time to spend together, or think about me at all, or anything! But when we are together I can tell she enjoys being with be and really cares about me.

Jeez I'm confused!



I think that you chased her away, you came on too hard, too fast, plus she should be saying the "I love yous" for awhile before you say it. And now you are going to send a letter, your done.

I'm not going to give her the letter, like I said in a couple of posts before. I agree the letter shows I am coming on too strongly. However, I feel like if I do not show her what I feel like right now then our relationship will never grow.

Aa, this will be my last post on this thread. I don't really have much time to donate to AMHD at the moment.

I know you are not going to like what I have to say but I am putting it out there anyway. Your responses disturb me. You accused Wondergirl of arguing with people here, but that is what you are doing yourself. You are picking apart everyone's posts and coming up with either your reasonings in this situation or just disagreeing with what people are suggesting. You ARE obsessing about this girl. You WANT her to feel the same way you do and you expect her to want the same things out of this relationship that you do. You ARE NOT open to the solutions we are suggesting. So, you WILL continue to feel confused, angry, annoyed, and frustrated. You mention that she hasn't told you that she loves you and you WANT that so desperately. I don't know you and I don't know how how you interact with her, but if you are showing her a quarter of the anger and frustration that have been coming out of all of your posts here on this web site, you are headed down the path to heartbreak. Honey, your feelings are way too intense this early in the game and I do believe that you are scaring her, thus pushing her further away from you. The stuff you are coming out with is more on the side of the thoughts of a stalker than someone who wants a balanced give and take relationship. I think you should take Wondergirl's suggestion and find a counselor in your area. Someone whose specialty is couples counseling. You need to be able to describe in detail the exact interaction that is happening between you and your girl. The counselor will be able to give you some better insight into what you need to focus on and constructive advice on how to handle the situation when it starts moving in a direction you are not happy with. I think doing this will be your best chance at salvaging this relationship.

I am sure you are going to pick my post apart again. Please don't bother because as I said, I won't be able to respond anymore. Print out all the questions you have posted on this web site, along with the responses you have received from everyone, and bring them with you to your appointment. This will give a counselor a lot of insight into how you are feeling, and will speed up the process to get the results you desire.

Oh man, I share your feelings exactly on this:

Ok, he has:

1) A job -- money.
2) Looks... Better body, etc.
3) More out-going -- not as boring.
4) Shares more common interests with her.
5) Less ignorant, more knowledge of the world and therefore provide her more.
6) Experience in relationships -- something which I have little in (I've only ever had one other partner, which lasted 1 and half years).

Only the one other girl I had didn't last nearly that long haha. But seriously...
The girl I'm in love with right now isn't my girlfriend (yet ;)) but that's one of the things making it hard for me to go for her is that all the guys she knows, or could have, are far more motivated and successful in life than I am. Everything on your list above is exactly what goes through my mind when I think to myself "there's no way she'd want to be with me because she could have anyone she wants, and about all of them would be better suited to date her than me..."

aa, this will be my last post on this thread. I don't really have much time to donate to AMHD at the moment.

I know you are not going to like what I have to say but I am putting it out there anyway. Your responses disturb me. You accused Wondergirl of arguing with people here, but that is what you are doing yourself. You are picking apart everyone's posts and coming up with either your reasonings in this situation or just disagreeing with what people are suggesting. You ARE obsessing about this girl. You WANT her to feel the same way you do and you expect her to want the same things out of this relationship that you do. You ARE NOT open to the solutions we are suggesting. So, you WILL continue to feel confused, angry, annoyed, and frustrated. You mention that she hasn't told you that she loves you and you WANT that so desperately. I don't know you and I don't know how how you interact with her, but if you are showing her a quarter of the anger and frustration that have been coming out of all of your posts here on this web site, you are headed down the path to heartbreak. Honey, your feelings are way too intense this early in the game and I do believe that you are scaring her, thus pushing her further away from you. The stuff you are coming out with is more on the side of the thoughts of a stalker than someone who wants a balanced give and take relationship. I think you should take Wondergirl's suggestion and find a counselor in your area. Someone whose specialty is couples counseling. You need to be able to describe in detail the exact interaction that is happening between you and your girl. The counselor will be able to give you some better insight into what you need to focus on and constructive advice on how to handle the situation when it starts moving in a direction you are not happy with. I think doing this will be your best chance at salvaging this relationship.

I am sure you are going to pick my post apart again. Please don't bother because as I said, I won't be able to respond anymore. Print out all the questions you have posted on this web site, along with the responses you have received from everyone, and bring them with you to your appointment. This will give a counselor a lot of insight into how you are feeling, and will speed up the process to get the results you desire.


I don't expect you to reply to this post.

I thank you for your continuous help and you all have given me a lot of insight into the situation and how best to approach all the issues I have raised.

You mentioned that I said she hasn't said that she loves me. If you read the post above I said we both have said we love each other.

My point about Wondergirl arguing was out of frustration, which I did apologise for in advance. The main reason I got a little annoyed about that was she only seemed to focus on disagreements that doesn't directly relate to the question, when I had already taken the time to make a long post about how I feel. I simply refocussed her attention. :)

I do agree with a lot of things people have said, if you go back and read my posts you will see this. For example, I agreed I am obsessing over her, I need to do more things, maybe I expect too much too soon, I need to talk to her in a casual way, etc.

My feelings are all over the place right now. On here I agree I seem to be venting my frustration out, but I do not act like this around her, as you seem to of suggested. I know that if I did, it really would be over, hence why I came here for advice and to share my feelings, you know, to get it all out! Seeing all of your comments has really helped me see the bigger picture.

Thanks a lot once again. You don't need to reply to this post, though I'd love to hear from you again if you can spare the time. :)

Take care

I think its safe to say you've answered your question or concern

Okay, I found a moment in between training sessions.


I actually think my expectations of the relationship are quite low.

Its just that I hadn't heard from her since friday, and I normally would, and that she doesn't seem to respond to nice things I say to her anymore. Like if you say to someone you love them, you want them to say it back. She practically ignores it.

No, your expectations after one month of dating are too high. You are trying to force her to keep telling you she loves you. You are being too pushy with her. I am not sure how to get all this across to you except to keep repeating what most of us have been saying. Get out there and do other things and stop the mindeffing routine I mentioned in my original post here on this thread. Stop texting her, stop calling her, you don't have to speak with her every day. Especially when you have only been dating for one month. You have to stop focusing completely on this girl. Just stop all this. Go out bowling with friends, go to see a silly movie, go take some classes on hobbies that interest you. Think about what interests you (besides this girl) and just do it. If you are still having trouble figuring out how to just let go of this mental raking over the coals that you are putting yourself through, and start to do these things I have suggested, you do need to find a counselor who will teach you how to refocus your thoughts. People who are in happy and stable relationships are the people who have other interests in life besides the person they are dating/married to.

Your not alone my friend =].
I was in your boat... there was a guy who was into me... owww wow I couldn't believe it when there where a lot of slimmer,cooler,prittier girls more than me... and I used to say he has that girl who wants him and she's so good looking why is he holding on to me?
Now I settled with it and I am seeing myself pretty =]
It's still the same looks I used to have... I just needed someone to tell me that I have nothing less than anybody else and neither you have ;).
So instead of stay there wondering why she chose you get the positive(it has no negative side anyway)and believe in yourself no matter how many people call you ugly... or useless or stupid stuff some people used to call me... you'll get used to it and say ohh they're just jealous instead of going home crying so get yourself esteem good and enjoy this life...