Hey guys

I'd just like to say hello to you all and thanks for taking the time to read this post -- I know its pretty long but I would seriously appreciate it if you could spare the time.

I've come here to try and get some advice on a relationship I am in that is extremely important to me that I want to try and make stronger, hopefully with your help.

Let me just give you a little background.

I have known my girlfriend for over 5 years and we have always been there to help each other through bad times. We had only known each other through internet conversations and finally decided to meet up about 4 months ago and since then been going out. We broke up for about 2 months and recently got back together because she said she misses me so much.

It's a kind of long-distance relationship since she lives about an hr from me (not good on the petrol lol) and its usually hard to find time to spend together since she works full time.

The first few times we met were absolutely amazing. Best days of my life. Since around the 3rd day we saw each other she had been bottling things up I did to annoy her. And can I just say I really do think they are "little" things but I've taken them very seriously since she is extremely sensitive so I wouldn't put anything past her. She seems to bottle a lot of things up because she is scared I will get mad if she tells me. But I assure her I won't, yet she still doesn't believe me.

Our sex life is pretty much non-existent. Only once has she been really turned on (within first week of meeting) and I don't want to go into much detail but she was ontop and I ripped off her clothes and she started grinding into me (clothes on!).

Since then nothing like that has happened, and I don't think I am doing anything differently. I try to stimulate her by running my hands all over her body, teasing her, just like I did that time, but it doesn't seem to work anymore... its like she's not interested in doing anything in the bedroom but hug and hold each other for hours, which I do absolutely love, but there are other things I want to do in the bedroom too!

Rarely does she try and pleasure me. Like last time we met she just rubbed all around my crotch through my jeans and I got in abit of a mood 'cause she left me in an annoyingly-frustratedly-hornily-argh state as she didn't want the mess. I did keep telling her it felt so good and her reply was to give a shy laugh and say "good."

Whenever I try and pleasure her she usually just lies there, saying nothing, so I ask if it feels good and she normally says she has a headache or stomach ache or something, so I just stop and normally get in abit of a mood with her.

Like take for example the other day we were just laying on her bed (like usual) and she said she was bored and asked what we could do, and I swear to god she looked me as though as if to say "wink wink nudge nudge, lets do it" -- or maybe I just have sex on the brain constantly when I'm with her? In the end she said lets play dress up and wanted to dress me in her clothes and put makeup on me, which I have to say I was tempted to do because I happen to have abit of a crossdressing fetish, but was too shy to go through with it. We just ended up laying on her bed playing squares and hangman. I got in a mood.

We also have other little problems which she makes me feel like I cause all the time. Like I get in abit of a mood with her when I know I have to leave (I know its not fair, but all I can think about is how much I'm going to miss her all week before I can "possibly" get to see her again), not sending text messages when expecting one, prioritizing friends above the relationship and not being able to see each other, etc.

I really feel like because of the silly arguments and the things I do/say to annoy her that she bottles up makes her feel like it's just not going to work out between us, so she holds back, becomes reserved and cold towards me. But whenever I try and talk to her about problems she gets all defensive and mad, or denied there is a problem, even if I talk in a subtle non-accusive way about how *I* feel as appose to telling her *you make me feel like ~this~*.

Could this be why our sex life pretty much doesn't exist? Am I just useless in the bedroom? I haven't had much experience but I know she has, but it feels like she hasn't because doesn't "use" it.

I realise the main problem in our relationship is the total lack of communication, and the best way to solve this is to talk! But how can I when she bottles things up, denies there is a problem, and just gets mad and annoyed for ever bringing it up?

I understand she has every right to see friends, and I am glad she is, but do you not think our relationship should be prioritized above them, or at least share the time equally?

Do you think it's a bad sign that she doesn't seem to want to do the things she use to do when we were first going out, like spending a night in my car, or even a night together, or want to be sexually active in the bedroom except for playing squares?

Thanks guys I appreciate any advice you can give :)

Take care

The distance is killing you, and I think she holds back and keeps you at a emotional distance, to protect herself. I also see you investing more, and getting less, not very equal. It goes a lot deeper than no communication, you have not grown together. I think you should balance your life with a lot more things you enjoy, and see this with clear eyes, as you are doing all the work here, and that's not good.

The distance is killing you, and I think she holds back and keeps you at a emotional distance, to protect herself. I also see you investing more, and getting less, not very equal. It goes a lot deeper than no communication, you have not grown together. I think you should balance your life with a lot more things you enjoy, and see this with clear eyes, as you are doing all the work here, and thats not good.

Thanks a lot for your comment.

I'm not so sure it's the distance as such, but I can see why it would affect us. I definitely agree she holds back to protect herself. And I know a relationship is about give and take, but I feel I'm being left with more give than take.

I do a few things for her like buy her little things, write sweet messages, take her places she needs to go, always drive to her house whenever she says I can see her. But its not all bad. She did give me money for petrol the other day, pay for a meal out, make me feel special when we were laying together, and lots of other things.

Also, I'm really feeling like our relationship is at breaking point because of an arugment I started the other day, and we only just got back together a week ago.

She ALWAYS text me on my journey home, and I said to her at the door to text me and she said OK. She seemed absolutely fine. I told her I love her and are going to miss her loads. She said the same.

Got home. No text. So I came up with innocent excuses for her. Thought she might fallen asleep, thought that's OK. I text her saying I'm back safe and that I think she in a mood with me because she didn't text. Signed onto msn and saw she was online... so I came to the conclusion she deliberly didn't want to text me, and ignored my text because she had bottled something up.

So I lost it and went off on one desperatly trying to make her see things from my point of view (I know now this was wrong, I should have stayed calm!) but she's just so damn stubborn and denies there is a reason why, and then starts having a go at me for starting the argument -- an "argument she never wanted to have" she said. Since then she hasn't really been txting me much.

I feel so helpless that she appears absolutely fine when I'm with her... then get home and find out she's in a mood and hidden something, again.

If your going to be in a relationship, handling your feelings in a mature way, should be at the top of the list. I mean, you come off as being needy, and controlling.

Yeah I agree I must appear needy and even though I don't think of myself as being a controlling person I must be doing it without me even realising. That's kind of bad! In future I will definitely handle these situations more maturely.

What do you think about the other aspect such as sex drive in the bedroom? And how to approach her bottling feelings up?

Dude, distance isn't just physical. It sounds like he emotional distance here put the two of you on opposite sides of the planet. I have written a letter to the person I was in a relationship once and laid out how much it bothered me "that I might lose them" and started discussing the problems. Do it non-judgementally and non-accusingly if you try it. Make sure that what comes through the most is that the relationship is at risk and you are concerned.

Dude, distance isn't just physical. It sounds like he emotional distance here put the two of you on opposite sides of the planet. I have written a letter to the person I was in a relationship once and laid out how much it bothered me "that I might lose them" and started discussing the problems. Do it non-judgementally and non-accusingly if you try it. Make sure that what comes through the most is that the relationship is at risk and you are concerned.

Sounds like a good suggestion but most of the time she misinterprets what I've written and gets annoyed at me. Not so much in real life so I guess that's the best place to bring issues up, but then I get all tongue tied in real life.

I don't want to burst your bubble but it is possible since your relationship was mostly online the relationship for her could have been more fantasy of sorts. Actually meeting and making it "real" may have been more than she realized she wanted when she was faced with it. Initially being very responsive could have been because of all the build up and not wanting to have "lead you on" so to speak. But now that it has become a more real relationship it could just be that she has realized she has made a mistake.

I only say all this because it sounds like something that happened to me once. I did everything she is doing having realized I didn't really want to be in the relationship (for various reasons) but didn't want to hurt him either. Because in all reality he hadn't really done anything wrong. I just realized it wasn't right for me. And that in my mind didn't seem fair to do. So, I became annoyed said everything was "fine" but the more distant I became the more controlling (demanding time and his place as priority in my life), clingy and needy he became. Which just irritated me more.

I am not saying this has happened but maybe you should just come out and ask her. And be prepared for the answer, what ever it is. That is mature. No guessing games, no mind reading and trying to figure out what she wants, doesn't want. Just ask.

I don't want to burst your bubble but it is possible since your relationship was mostly online the relationship for her could have been more fantasy of sorts. Actually meeting and making it "real" may have been more than she realized she wanted when she was faced with it. Initially being very responsive could have been because of all the build up and not wanting to have "lead you on" so to speak. But now that it has become a more real relationship it could just be that she has realized she has made a mistake.

I only say all this because it sounds like something that happened to me once. I did everything she is doing having realized I didn't really want to be in the relationship (for various reasons) but didn't want to hurt him either. Because in all reality he hadn't really done anything wrong. I just realized it wasn't right for me. And that in my mind didn't seem fair to do. So, I became annoyed said everything was "fine" but the more distant I became the more controlling (demanding time and his place as priority in my life), clingy and needy he became. Which just irritated me more.

I am not saying this has happened but maybe you should just come out and ask her. And be prepared for the answer, what ever it is. That is mature. No guessing games, no mind reading and trying to figure out what she wants, doesn't want. Just ask.

That sounds like a very plausible reason and its OK to burst my bubble, I just want to know what she wants, but I know she will get annoyed and won't tell me if I ever bring a topic like this up, or will simply to lie to me to not hurt me.

Though I really do think she loves me, and isn't playing a game or think its just a "fantasy". I can feel her love when I'm with her, just not when I am not with her... maybe its an issue with myself, my insecurities, I don't know.

She seems to be a different person on MSN. I even said to her on MSN she has split personalities... all caring in real life but then cold and different on MSN. She said the same of me. Said I talk to her like a 12 year old and always say something back to her in an argument that "makes me the better person".

I feel like I have to walk on egg shells when I'm around her. Careful in what I say. Careful in what I do. It's no way to live, but I can't see myself without her, so I'm just seeing how things pan out and hope for the best!

Thanks for all your advice so far guys :)

When there is no communication, there is no relationship. If you can't talk and listen, and work together to identify and solve your problems, it will never work.