I love my girlfriend, we've been together for over 8 years and love each other very much and just about everything is great, couldn't be better, however our sex life is uneven. We haven't had sex for over 2 months, and she never initiates sex, I'm always the one who has to initiate things, and it drives me crazy because it feels like she doesn't want to ever. And even when I do most of the time it seems like she gives signals that she doesn't want to, so I give up which makes me want to give up all together. Point is, that if I don't start things off they will never happen. This same thing happened to us years ago where we didn't have sex for almost a year, it was a very frustrating time, as is right now. But the thing is that I've talked to her about this before. She claims to be a very sexual person and says idealy she'd like us to have sex everyday but at minimum 3-4 times a week, but things aren't this way. I don't understand. She won't start things off, and when I try, it fails. I feel like she's not attracted to me anymore or something. But like I said everything else is great, we love spending time with each other and we cuddle. What do I do?

Update: things have only gotten worse. Now she barley seems to want to spend time with me. When I get home from work I don't get a hug or kiss, or when we wake up or go to bed, same thing. I'm getting very depressed about this whole thing, I don't know what to do, I tried to talk to her about it, and all she really said was she's sorry and doesn't know why. But talking to her hasn't changed anything.

No responses, so here goes

I love my girlfriend, we've been together for over 8 years and love each other very much and just about everything is great, couldn't be better, however our sex life is uneven. We haven't had sex for over 2 months, and she never initiates sex, I'm always the one who has to initiate things, and it drives me crazy because it feels like she doesn't want to ever. And even when I do most of the time it seems like she gives signals that she doesn't want to, so I give up which makes me want to give up all together. Point is, that if I don't start things off they will never happen. This same thing happened to us years ago where we didn't have sex for almost a year, it was a very frustrating time, as is right now. But the thing is that I've talked to her about this before. She claims to be a very sexual person and says idealy she'd like us to have sex everyday but at minimum 3-4 times a week, but things aren't this way. I don't understand. She won't start things off, and when I try, it fails. I feel like she's not attracted to me anymore or something. But like I said everything else is great, we love spending time with each other and we cuddle. What do I do?

Update: things have only gotten worse. Now she barley seems to want to spend time with me. When I get home from work I don't get a hug or kiss, or when we wake up or go to bed, same thing. I'm getting very depressed about this whole thing, I don't know what to do, I tried to talk to her about it, and all she really said was she's sorry and doesn't know why. But talking to her hasn't changed anything.

You need to be blunt but gentle and come right out and ask what is going on. You may not want to hear the answer, however, I think knowing something would be better than the limbo you have been going through.

You need to be blunt but gentle and come right out and ask what is going on. You may not want to hear the answer, however, I think knowing something would be better than the limbo you have been going thru.

Thanks for your reply, although I did ask her, and all she said was "sorry, I don't know why". And it seems that since I talked to her, it's just gotten even worse.

She did not give an answer when you asked? Just said she was sorry?

she did not give an answer when you asked? Just said she was sorry?

Yeah exactly, I asked her what the deal was, she said she was sorry and didn't know why.

Wow, that's sounds very unfair to you. Especially since you care enough about her to ask if something is wrong. Maybe try again, and try not to be accusitory in your questions or statements[hard to do, I know] and see if she is ready to talk to you. Is there anything she could be depressed about: weight gain, children, job, etc?
p.s. not saying your were accusitory.

Wow, thats sounds very unfair to you. Especially since you care enough about her to ask if something is wrong. Maybe try again, and try not to be accusitory in your questions or statements[hard to do, i know] and see if she is ready to talk to you. Is there anything she could be depressed about: weight gain, children, job, etc?
p.s. not sayin your were accusitory.

We don't have kids, she just got a better job a couple months ago, and she hasn't gained any weight in the last 5 years that I can tell.

I know the answer is probably no but is there any chance at all she has been seeing someone else?

Well, I finally got her to talk to me about what's going on. Today on my lunch break I called her and told her I needed to know what is going on. In a nutshell she said, she doesn't feel that "spark" and she doesn't know if she is attracted to me, she doent know if she is in love with me. But what she did say was she loves me more than anything. She said she feels we've become complacent and are in the routine of go to work, get home, "how was your day", watch TV and go to sleep. I don't know what the to do, this is a lot to handle in one day, hearing from the love of my life that she doesn't know if she's attracted to me or in love with me anymore.

Anyone care to offer any words of wisdom, please. I feel sick

Listen, You guys need to miss each other, she needs to know what she have, I think she lost focus of that with her everyday routine, Space, is needed in these situations, otherwise the damage can become worst, and reconciliation is out of the question... It will be hard but she just told you what she felt you wanted the truth you got it..,. What will happen in the next few days will be tough, but put on your seatbelt, and prepare yourself... don't make her feel worst don't bad mouth or say anything you may regret... give her space and keep contact to minimum, or to none, and make sure you surround yourself around positive people... get a hobby be productive... and don't get into any rebound relationships

Well, we live together, and I guess we haven't officially broken up yet. Which is maybe why I'm not on my office floor weeping and throwing up

That will be tough considering you live together, but there is still a way you can give her space... One is by getting involved in some hobbies, or doing things to advance yourself... whatever it may be to keep you busy, change the atmosphere...

That will be tough considering you live together, but there is still a way you can give her space... One is by getting involved in some hobbies, or doing things to advance yourself... whatever it may be to keep you busy, change the atmosphere...
Well I could spen all my time at my recording studio, but that gets very tiring after a long day at work. Maybe I should go stay at my dad's house or something, I don't know. This is so frustrating I'm thinking about staying somewhere other than my own house. I don't know what to do

well I could spen all my time at my recording studio, but that gets very tiring after a long day at work. Maybe I should go stay at my dad's house or something, I don't know. This is so frustrating I'm thinking about staying somewhere other than my own house. I don't know what to do



Whatever it takes... studio, gym, friends... You need to give her space, and let her know you are there for her and love her and are willing to give her the space she needs to figure things out, advice her of your decision of staying with your dad.. Ask her input on the situation... Reassure her that you love her enough to let her think,, IF she loves you she will come around, sometimes we take love for granted but when it's gone we realize how much we need it, and can come to understand that this is the person I want! We need to feel that distance at time.. But don't pressure her and make her sick to the point where your not respecting her answer... this is a turnoff

Thanks for your advice, I'm really not doing well with all of this, all I want to do is spend good quality time with her, I know that can't happen right now. We'll see what she says when I tell her I'm going to give her space. Although she's had space since she came back from vacation, I've barley seen her.

But yes, thank you for taking the time to respond, it really means a lot to me right now, I don't know what to do.

thanks for your advice, I'm really not doing well with all of this, all I want to do is spend good quality time with her, I know that can't happen right now. We'll see what she says when I tell her I'm going to give her space. Although she's had space since she came back from vacation, I've barley seen her.

But yes, thank you for taking the time to respond, it really means a lot to me right now, I don't know what to do.


Listen if you need to talk to someone you can email me I know how tough it is I am going through a breakup myself, with someone I love dearly.. THis man was my sunshine... it only has been a few days but the days are getting better... I am getting better.. I am coping by helping others, and when I look at the sitaution it is not that bad after all.,

Poor you... relationships are so fragile sometimes... it sunds like there is something wrong, that she is not telling you, it could be anything form wanting to end the relatiomship to being worried about work, you neee to get to the botom of this, gently probing and being lovingly open.

Just out of curiosity... has she been to the doctor recently?

What you're describing is how I felt when I was suffering from depression. I didn't know WHY, because cuddling/kissing/sex was GOOD when it happened, but I didn't want it to happen. It just made me sadder and feel more alone when it was over--like I was isolated. And I couldn't explain that to anyone, either. When you have depression, it's like you can't think. Seriously can't make thoughts go together in a coherent manner, and you go in circles with yourself and your feelings, and can't break the circle.

I would suggest seeing a doctor, and mentioning the problems she's having, both in and out of the bedroom.

Well, she actually told me she doesn't feel a spark anymore and isn't sure if she is attracted to me anymore, but she says I'm attractive? Anyway, I told her maybe we needed some space so she could figure things out, so I temporarily moved out and am staying with my mom right now. We went to dinner and a movie the other night and things were OK, she gave me a hug and kiss goodnight and told me she loves me. I haven't been calling her, I've been letting her call me, which she has everyday.

What do YOU do to make her spark hot? When was the last time you gave her flowers? OR how about a box of candy? Or how about proposing marriage? Maybe she thought that by this time she would be married, and not just a sex toy for your pleasure.

[QUOTE=450donn]What do YOU do to make her spark hot? When was the last time you gave her flowers? OR how about a box of candy? Or how about proposing marriage? Maybe she thought that by this time she would be married, and not just a sex toy for your pleasure




I do nice things for her all the time, and tell her how gorgeous she is.
Proposing Marriage is maybe the worst thing I could think of to do when the other says they don't know if they are attracted to you or in love with you anymore, that just seems silly.

And we've talked about getting married but are in no rush

Aright voto you need to spend more time way from home or ignore her about sex and I know its hard but this sh#t will work its like turning the tables on her... you see your like clingy and youwant this love that's not happing with her so go work out and make yourself improve you and do sometime out of no werez send flower to her job and tell her after all these years I still think about you. No, no,no, keep it simple put (just thinking of you) that's all! Its like you acting like this cool cat... and watch she call you.. let her call you oh about the sex thing slow down on that? She going to want something new, brun out... oh on the flowers she might want to make love voto so like don't do its act like your tired she might get mad but watch... wait until in the moring before she get up and make her breakfeast in bed.. its all about doing something out of no werez and sometimes act like the sex don't bother you and then she going to wonder

UPDATE: It'ss been 2 weeks that I have been staying at my moms house, I've still noyt been calling her but letting her call me, she calls me twice a day and has asked me to hang out about 5 or 6 times. We are getting along just fine but nothing seems to be resolving at all, and I can't take this in between not knowing stuff anymore. I'm thinking of telling her, either you love me or you don't, and either you want to be with me or you don't. What do you guys think? Good idea or bad?

UPDATE: It'ss been 2 weeks that I have been staying at my moms house, I've still noyt been calling her but letting her call me, she calls me twice a day and has asked me to hang out about 5 or 6 times. We are getting along just fine but nothing seems to be resolving at all, and I can't take this in between not knowing stuff anymore. I'm thinking of telling her, either you love me or you don't, and either you want to be with me or you don't. What do you guys think? Good idea or bad?

Wow... even that p*sses me off! People who say stuff like... "I'm not attracted to you," "No spark," "Bored with routine," "I don't know if I'm in love with you."

The last time I checked "IN LOVE" comes and goes during a normal relationship. Valleys and peaks. That sort of thing. And the last time I checked, it takes work to keep the fire going. And she needs some motivation to throw some d*mned logs onto the fire! You can't walk around all boring, not give your man sex, and complain about the lack of a spark. It sounds like she is depressed... her depression is keeping her from finding motivation to get the spark back. She needs to get her butt to a therapist. Meanwhile, you be the enthusiastic one... you surprise her with a sexy picnic, tickets to a concert, something fun and amazing!! In love always takes work.

Everyone keeps saying , "do this for her, surprise her with this...etc" but It's really hard, I'm feeling very sad and was trying out this giving each other space thing

everyone keeps saying , "do this for her, surprise her with this...etc" but It's really hard, I'm feeling very sad and was trying out this giving eachother space thing

You're right. It is hard. That is why so many people give up. People get lost in the day to day bull crap. The pay off in the end might be really big, but if it isn't at least you can say you that gave it your all, you were the best that you could be. That way you won't be the one with the regrets.

I wrote the above reply before I realized you moved out. What I would do in your case, not saying it's right for you, but what I would do is work on you. Do things you like. Let her call you, call her back. But sometimes allow yourself to be busy and not needy of her. Ask her out on a date. Maybe just once a week or something. Not all the time. Romance her again like your dating.

You're right. It is hard. That is why so many people give up. People get lost in the day to day bull crap. The pay off in the end might be really big, but if it isn't at least you can say you that gave it your all, you were the best that you could be. That way you won't be the one with the regrets.

I wrote the above reply before I realized you moved out. What I would do in your case, not saying it's right for you, but what I would do is work on you. Do things you like. Let her call you, call her back. But sometimes allow yourself to be busy and not needy of her. Ask her out on a date. Maybe just once a week or something. Not all the time. Romance her again like your dating.


That's what I've been doing, letting her call me. I haven't called her except when I miss her call, and she is the one who has been asking me out every time since I moved out, I kind of left this all up to her. It's really nothing I did, honestly. I feel it has been a one sided relationship latley, that's why I'm leaving it all up to her

thats what I've been doing, letting her call me. I havent called her except when I miss her call, and she is the one who has been asking me out everytime since I moved out, I kinda left this all up to her. It's really nothing I did, honestly. I feel it has been a one sided relationship latley, thats why I'm leaving it all up to her

Do you hang out every time she wants? I hope not, keep it to a minimum, but when you do, make it memorable. Be sure to look your best and wear cologne that you know she likes. :) I really hope this all works out for you :)

Do you hang out every time she wants? I hope not, keep it to a minimum, but when you do, make it memorable. Be sure to look your best and wear cologne that you know she likes. :) I really hope this all works out for you :)

Yeah actually pretty much every time, she has wanted to I have, except tonight, already had plans. We don't wear perfumes or colognes, gives us both headaches, haha

Do you folks think it's a bad idea to do this? I can't deal with this anymore, I want to know where we stand you know?

Do you folks think it's a bad idea to do this? I can't deal with this anymore, I want to know where we stand you know?

OK man, I'll spell it out for you although it may be hard to hear and I say it because I used to be similar. For starters, you are trying so hard to force a resolution that you will eventually force her away and then you can feel better because at least you know where you stand? Doubt it. That's not what you really want, is it? Not being in control sucks so be in control of the only thing you can be in control of. You. Right now, you have given her all the power over you. Take your power back.

Based on how you are reacting to this situation, you probably smother her. She feels suffocated in your relationship. As she pushes you away, you only cling tighter to her and that only makes her want to push farther away. However; if you pull away slightly, she responds. For example, you moved out and now she calls you all the time. Yet when you actually see her, I am sure you are trying so hard to 'prove' yourself to her, she just pushes away again. If you pull away, which is the exact opposite of what you think you should be doing, she will pull closer to you. If you see her, just have fun.

Alos, don't be so available. Go do things on your own or with friends. Be busy and once in awhile when she says she wants to see you, say you have plans with friends. Don't always answer the phone when she calls. It seems like mind games and to a degree it is but it shouldn't be. You should always have a healthy life outsife of your relationship with her anyway. Doing things on your own, without her gives her a chance to miss you.

ONE MORE THING: This same thing works with sex. Again, I dn;t know you but based on your posts you probably chase her around the house like a puppy dog begging for sexual 'table scraps.' You may not think you come off that way but I bet that is how she feels. Stop doing that. Women love confidence and EVERYONE loves that thing they can't have. The more you do to take care of yourself by having outside interests, going to the gym, etc. YOu will feel better about yourself and she will notice. Be a little un-attainable. When she says jump, don't always say "how high?" You naturally think that is what she really wants but in reality, she wants you to be a man and you are not acting like a man so ultimately, she loses respect for you and that's when you get into deep trouble.

Well, she is moving out because she wants more space, and thinks it may help things, although I don't have a good feeling about this and I'm pretty sure we'll will break up within a couple months

Also the post was based on sex, because I first posted it in the adult sexuality forum, before all these other problems started happening, then the post got moved to the relationship forum. All of this did stem from that, but that's not what it has come to be

What should I do? Should I try and bring some romance back, or should I just end it now to get the suffering over with sooner. Or should I wait and see how things play out?

Please help me out, your advice is appreciated

I know its killing you.. but I think you need to be the cool cat and let her play it out, let her step in her own trap.. so keep your cool that what guys don't do at frist in the break upthey freak out LOL! And that's why they never had a chance to fixs things. So sit back and relax and lte the chip fall were they may. And she going to call you so don't pick up give some time to miss you. From the time she call you, call her in two weeks from that day. The key homey is to keep your cool stay clam act like it don't bug you because you been with her for so long .

Hey Headache. I was just wondering since its been a while how you delt with this? My girlfriend and I are going through almost the same situation. I had this feeling that some days she loved me and oculdnt wait to c me and some days she didn't act like she gave a crap. I talked to her yesterday night and she told me how she loved me so much and can't picture her life without me but she isn't attracted to me anymore and that she felt like she didn't like me. I don't know how to deal with it. How did you deal with it?

I am another who would like to know how things are going. Many thanks.

She moved out on the first of December and we talk once a day briefly usually, and she acts like nothing is wrong. But it still seems like she doesn't want to spend time with me. I don't know what to do.

I think you have most of the puzzle in place. She is doing one thing, and saying something else. I believe it goes under the "I didn't want to hurt him" tab. Or the "I need some space" tab. Or the "I need some time" tab. How are you doing?

I've been pretty depressed, but I think I'm doing OK. It's just, I don't know what's going on, or what to do about everything. We wrapped xmas presents together the other day and it was good to spend time with her, but at the same time, it kind of hurts to be around her, when I know that I love her and want to be with her but don't know if she feels the same.

Have you looked under the No Contact (NC) threads? I am newer here than you; so you may be familiar with that. I suggest that because it would seem that she is saying she will be your friend; I don't put much stock in that kind of relationship, but to each his own. As someone said, a girl who loves you will not leave you confused and hurting.

I think for whatever reason she has not kept up with this relationship and a lack of communications has you both in different places. I don't really think she knew how to tel you she wanted out. I suggest not contacting her at all, and not allowing it from her either. You've been drifting for months and now its time to think of you and your own future, without her in it. See the links in my signature for some good suggestions.

Well, here is the resolution.

She called me all mad a few days ago and says it seemes like I won't make any time for her because I have been so busy, and she was upset I didn't invite her to the little christmas gathering I had with my friends. I explained to her that I love spending time with her, but since all of this has happened, it hurts for me to be around her. And then I called talked to her on christmas eve, and told her that she has had more than enough time to think about things and I needed to know if she wanted to be with me or not. She said she can't answer that because it's too "cut and dry" and she wanted to see if she could still be attracted to me or not, and I told her she should have figured it out by now, and that I don't want to feel so hurt everyday anymore. After her not wanting to answer me for quite a while, I said that I needed an answer. She said "I guess not, I'm really sorry, I can't help the way that I feel. I really love you" So I said all right, I got to go.

I'm absolutley heartbroken. I know things will be OK for me eventually, but I feel sick. Although, I know it's not the end of the world, I can't get the sadness to go away.

Time will do that for you. At least you know where you stand. Now get a life without her.

Congratulations, headache, for moving toward a resolution; you might think like this: I am going to review this 180 days from now and reassess. You can make it. Have you read the two stickies at the beginning of 'Relationships'?

I'm sorry things ended like they did for you, but for a woman's point of view... Being together 8 YEARS and your relationship didn't grow or develop into the next step in a serious relationship, marriage. I can see why she slowly but surely broke things off. Not to be mean or anything, but sometimes a woman can wait for so long and 8 years is a long time. The bonds between you two began to drift and break apart because of time.

I'm sorry things ended like they did for you, but for a woman's point of view... Being together 8 YEARS and your relationship didn't grow or develop into the next step in a serious relationship, marriage. I can see why she slowly but surely broke things off. Not to be mean or anything, but sometimes a woman can wait for so long and 8 years is a long time. The bonds between you two began to drift and break apart because of time.

Good guess, but not at all. We talked about getting married, but she always seemed so reserved about it. I think I wanted to get married more than she did, we were roughly planning to get married this next summer.

Why don't you try something spontaneous for her, live her a note to be someplace where you liked going together, and when there just let her wait like 30 seconds after she sits down, wondering what is going on, then just stroll in as this is the first time you see her, and charm her all over again, as if nothing ever happened. If you guys are still together after 8 years maybe the relationship needs a little lift, or needs a little upgrade to a next level. Either way you want her to still understand what is going on in her heart and head, so she will have to do some soulsearching too and try to find some answers to her own way of interacting. Not everybody though knows how to do that. Go to chapters maybe and point to some self help book, don't say-Oh, here this is for you, just say oh, this is interesting, and just leave it there for her on display to see then just say, well, I'll better check this other department and meet later at the coffeshop.
The problem you are having is that she does not know what is happening. Help her find out but never say well, I did that.
So, for the start, try the surprise date.

Hope this helps
Good luck
Moon777