"I Love you, but am confused whether I am IN love with you"

As the title says - How does one figure out this question? If you are told this what do you do?

There really is no way to figure out this question without time and distance. It's different for everyone... it's such a hard situation to be put in. As for what to do when told this? I would back off and give a whole lot of S P A C E. You don't need to prove your love and affection at this point, the other party is fully aware of it. They are fighting their inner thoughts, feelings and emotions to find out where they are. Time for THEM will only be the best thing at that point... this person needs to "find" themselves again. That way they can give you that healthy relationship that you deserve...

We talked about this issue (My ex and I) and he said that he thinks he feels this way because of the atmosphere we put ourselves in (we would always sit at my house with my parents watching TV). I thought that if we removed ourselves from that atmosphere he might be able to connect with his feelings again. We have discussed going to couples therapy - I want to stick it out to see where things go (we aren't together in a relationship but will be hanging out) but on the same token I don't want to be setting myself up for heartache again.

I would do much as ConfusedandLost said, S P A C E. If someone said that to me, I would wonder why in the world are you still here? Get lost already. Someone who does not know what the true emotions are does not need to be in my company. It is almost too easy to be still involved with someone who says that to you. As you think he still cares and he probably does. But the critical element is missing.

Being with you and you with him is far too comfortable for you both. It stops both of you from really finding the person who can say that he/she is in love with you and that heshe does love you.

You can do what you want to, but I would say to tell him that you need your own space and he definitely needs his. Don't hope for what is not there. Make your life over and go on. Good luck.

Oh jeez. So this was the result huh? I hate that statement. It feels like a blow to the stomach.

What it really means is that he loves you just like you love your friends, your family but not in a romantic way. Truth be told I don't know if couples therapy would help his feelings transition back to the romantic realm.

Do you really want to put so much work into a man who doesn't have romantic feelings towards you?

I think you both need to keep some more space (you did good for your week or so of NC) and really think about what YOU want. Not about feeling scared to lose him or anything like that but what honestly, really works for you.

Its not so much "couples therapy" more so him coming to one of my therapy sessions, which I would already be attending.

But I am curious, is it possible to still have him in my life and both of us still have space? We have made plans to hang out tomorrow night - but I am not pushing the event. I am not going to push anything, just simply see where this goes.

Can you get over him with him in your life all the time? Do you have hope that he will fall back in love with you? Do you still desire to be his girlfriend?

Sure anything is possible... only if the two of you are content with only being friends for the time being and not wanting anything more. You can say it to yourself a million times but your heart likes to think on its own sometimes and conflict with your mind. Are you ready for that? Can you handle that? You have to be strong and not ponder for more... just hang out and have a good time, show him how much of a good time you are having without him around...

I do desire to be his girlfriend and I am not going to try and MAKE him fall in love with me - I can't do that. As for the hope - I think its more me wondering whether us occasionally spending time together may trigger his to figure out his feelings - for or against us as a loving couple. With regards to getting over him - I don't feel that I am ready to do that right now, whether he was in or out of my life. He himself said he wanted to put an honest effort into figuring things out - he said "We have spent 4 yrs together, I don't want to half an attempt to get to the bottom of things".

If you feel that way you need to spend some more time apart. You can't be his friend until you don't want to be his girlfriend anymore. Or what will happen is that he will see you more and more as a friend BUT will still have the attraction to you which could cause the two of you to end up in bed together and having you think it means he is still in love with you when really it means nothing. Or he keeps seeing you as a just a friend and thinks you are totally fine with that and starts seeing someone else and wants to talk to you about her since you are great buddies now.

Spending more time together will not trigger romantic feelings in him again. The only thing I see happening here if you are not over him is you getting very, very hurt.

I won't end up in bed with him - I would not allow that to happen. I am strong enough with myself that I wouldn't do that. He also said he is exclusive to me and wants to work on the relationship - does not want to date anyone else. We won't be together all of the time. What I am trying to understand is, he wants to work on our relationship and feels we can't if we aren't spending time together.

But he told you that he doesn't love you romantically to me that signals that HE has some things to work out. Its has nothing to do with you it has to do with his own confusion. No one can workout how they really feel when they are in the thick of it.

I am going to let him do his own thing - initiate contact etc. I feel like if I don't take the chances I am given I may regret it later.

farfrmnormal,

Your not going to like this but you NEED to remove yourself from his life completely for awhile. He is clearly confused and needs time to himself to figure things out. Having you around just as friends will not help him realized if he is "in love" with you. You have to let go NOW, this is for your own sanity. If you continue you have a very long dark road ahead of you. Your better than that, you deserve so much better... go out and be happy without all of this pain that you have been taking on.

Its funny some of what I am being told here totally contradicts what my therapist has been telling me.

Well I wouldn't count that for much. When my friend was sleeping with a married man her therapist told her that was a good idea.

I figured as much... we try and offer advice from our past experience or an unbiased reflection of what we see...

She hasn't told me I should per sue things or not - but has told me that whichever direction I choose to take is going to involve a risk. Right now it depends on which risk I choose to take. Even though I confute some of what is said here, it does not mean I do not take it into consideration.

If both parties are willing to find the problem in a relationship and then deal with it when the problem is found (To part or to fix the problem) is there harm in that? If I were married, would I be told to divorce him if he had told me the same things? I have always been told that if there is room for improvement take it and do what you can with it. People fall in and out of love all the time - some for a short time and some permanently.

I think perhaps it is often difficult to convey the entire situation through words.

If you were married and your husband told you that he no longer loved you then yes I would say it is time to leave. When men fall out of love its usually game over. I've read studies about how men love constantly and their amount of love for someone never waivers until it ends. Women on the other hand have love that changes with the day.

Ultimately I think you are going to make whatever decision you are going to make and like Confusedand Lost said we can only tell you what we have seen and what we know. And what I know is that when someone says "I'm not IN love with you" that it will not change. Love is not a problem to be fixed. I believe you attempt to see emotions rationally and logically which is a fools game because they are neither.

Its funny you say that - the rationally and logically - my therapist has told me I am not in tune with my emotions and see everything as rational - A or B answers. My problem is working with the two together.

Where did you read these studies - I would be interested in reading them.

Its funny you say that - the rationally and logically - my therapist has told me I am not in tune with my emotions and see everything as rational - A or B answers. My problem is working with the two together.

This is very obvious from everything you have said so far. When people try to rationalize everything or see only black and white it can be problematic. Like I said falling out of love is not a problem to be fixed. Poor communication is a relationship problem to be fixed not love. People cannot always control their emotions.


Where did you read these studies - I would be interested in reading them.

I think it was in a book I read about the biological differences of men and women in regards to brain patterns. It was called Why Men Don't Listen and Women Can't Read Maps.

Its hard not to think rationally even in something like this - for example - could poor communication cause a person to fall out of love? Or the atmosphere you expose yourself cause that? The reason I ask is because he never said he HAS fallen out of love with me - he said he is confused - this is why I suggested he speak to a third party to help him expose his feelings and become in touch with them.

Either way, with things as they are I feel more comfortable knowing I can pick up the phone if I need to - fact is, I don't. I don't feel the need. In fact, he was the one that showed up at my house last night - did not call or tell me he was coming, just showed up.

Glinda is right.

NO ONE can change the mind of an individual when they fall out of love. It all started with them and it has to end with them, decision wise. Love is the single most powerful emotion out there... it can make you feel like your on cloud 9 or drag you right down to the biggest deepest hole out there.

If I was faced with your situation I would cut loose and walk away. Yes it will be the single most hardest thing to do. You just have realize all of the pain and self torture your putting yourself through. Do you really want to convince someone that they are in love with you. Or do you want them to fall in love with you? Your in a dark place right now, you just don't know it... we are trying to shine that light at the end for you to see. You just have to walk towards it slowly day by day one step at a time. It hurts now... but it will get better... believe me I know...

Its hard not to think rationally even in something like this - for example - could poor communication cause a person to fall out of love? Or the atmosphere you expose yourself cause that? The reason I ask is because he never said he HAS fallen out of love with me - he said he is confused .

First of all - its not that simple. Sometimes its not even something that is going on in the relationship. Emotions change for a myriad of reasons and I've yet to see anyone say "I no longer love my partner because we have poor communication skills". Again you are trying to rationalize something that has no rationalization.

He has said that has fallen out of love with you. What do you think saying he is no longer IN love with you means?

He said I don't know if I am In love with you anymore - he did not say I am not in love with you anymore.

I am just going to stop here - because I think I am digging a hole and I might as well jump into it.

"I don't know" and "I am not" are the same in my book. Either way there is no love towards you. Do you really want to fight and stick around for a "maybe". Love knows no boundaries... only if he fought as hard as you are right now is how things would be right. You know your better than that...

On a side note - I just bought two of those books. I am going to give him the other one to read. Thanks for your advice all. I think all I can do is take things one day at a time - learn more about me and those around me. I think this book will be a good read for that.

[QUOTE=farfrmnormal]He said I don't know if I am In love with you anymore - he did not say I am not in love with you anymore.

That's basically what my ex said to me and I think it's a load of crap. Either they love you or they don't, this I love you but I don't know if I'm in love with you is BS

Its funny some of what I am being told here totally contradicts what my therapist has been telling me.

You hang out with him and the drama will continue forever.

Your heart hurts more and you need more therapist meetings to discuss it as you hold out hope.

Therapist earns more and more.

I am a man. Only a weak man says what he said. He should have cut the cord but I am sensing he is to weak, plus he can string you along.

I'm sorry for your pain, but I can tell you the next girlfriend that I have had has always been better than the last, because you learn from what happened.

My therapist meetings are not to help me cope with the break up - there are underlying issues that I am dealing with to make myself a better person. I can cope with things just well.

I have been reading some books about men and women and NO where in the book does it say that when a man is confused about his feelings for an individual that his feelings can't be straightened out. I have actually been reading more then just one book - one being the Allan Pease "Why Men Don't Listen, and Women can't Read Maps", & Dr. Phil's two relationship books. Dr. Phil and many others actually promote working on your relationships with partners and other individuals. Perhaps this is why 50% of marriages in North America end in divorce - because people just aren't willing to accept their flaws as an individual, not be pig headed and admit that their relationship needs help. But once again, I will probably be refuted. I believe that when two people have a goal of being together in a healthy relationship they can work on it - A few reports I have read state that feelings in a relationship go up and down - for both MEN and WOMEN. Feelings can change based on the atmosphere of your relationship - as Dr. Phil says "If you don't tend the garden you may be over run by weeds". His approach is to exhaust every avenue before you walk away, that way you can feel as if you have done everything you possibly can. K. & I have decided that this is the best way for us to work together on building a healthy relationship - I'm sorry but based on what I have been reading on here everyone says that when a relationship ends its over and to treat it as over, even when feelings change. I personally am going to have to refute that.

Technically, we are back in a relationship together, so when we hang out we are together working on our issues. Issues such as atmosphere (We spent a lot of time with other people and not one on one time), showing one another that we are getting to the bottom of our individual issues such as tone of voice, getting into a personal rut and being motivated. Relationship issues can not be sorted out when you're not together.

From here on out I think I am going to have to remember that yes this may be a "help desk" but not all individuals on here are posting with qualifications & experience doesn't always mean you know the "in's and outs" of every relationship. The basis of relationships are the same, but almost always there is something that sets each one apart.

BUT I bet that all of those people still have romantic feelings for each. Your boyfriend does not. You are in severe denial about the state of your relationship. When someone says they are confused about whether they are in love with you they are NOT in love with you. Sorry.

Romantic feelings and love are completely different - he told me full out yesterday that he has romantic feelings for me. He said he wants to be in a romantic relationship with me and wants to work through things. I am not in denial - I am basing my response on what I have been told by him. Not all men that say they are confused are asses and are stringing you along.

Yes, we are here to simply help you and possibly the majority of us do not have the qualifications that the authors of your books or your therapist. However keep in mind every situation is different, we are only making suggestions solely based on what we hear from you.

As for the books... I have read over 15 relationship books in the past 3 months. Did they help me? Yes... I was able to understand who I was and the other sex in general. I became stronger with knowledge and this place. In no way did I try to "self diagnose" and apply any of the situations mentioned in the books to my situation... I wanted to learn and grow.

You have to understand that in most cases you have to look deep down inside of yourself... that is where it began and you have to end it there. It amazes me now how people in general go through so much pain and suffering and complain about this and that, but do absolutely nothing to correct it. You and only you have that power to make yourself happy and correct things in YOUR life... it only takes you to realize that your in denial and to move on and experience LIFE!

Who are you to tell me I am in denial? You do not know me or the circumstances surrounding my relationship. Yes, it is a relationship because we are working together to fix things.

I have learned A LOT about myself - not just through books, but also through meditation, looking inside myself and seeing what I can handle. The initial break up opened up my eyes and made me have self realization. I have a good job, a great family - I'm attractive, have made and achieved most of my life goals and have done that all on my own. So please don't tell me to look inside myself and see where this is going. First of all I am working on myself - second I am working on my relationships with people in general, third I am working on my romantic relationship. Its not tying me down - I am free to experience life and everyone should have that freedom even when they are in a healthy relationship.

But hey... I am simply stating an opinion just as you are, correct?

Its obvious... she wants to sleep with other people but doesn't have the courage to come out and say it.

It basically means lets just be friends, you don't mean enough to me to be more.

Done waste time thinking she will come around, there are other women who will appreciate your company more.

Its obvious....she wants to sleep with other people but doesn't have the courage to come out and say it.

It basically means lets just be friends, you don't mean enough to me to be more.

Done waste time thinking she will come around, there are other women who will appreciate your company more.


I am guessing you didn't read the entire thread otherwise you would know that I am female

I am guessing you didn't read the entire thread otherwise you would know that I am female

It applies both ways... to men or women equally. And means the very same thing regardless if it's a man or a woman that says it.


Its usually a cop out to actually saying the relationship is over. Rather than just coming out and saying it. I've been on both ends of that quote more than once and will admit to not having the guts to just out and say what I meant at least once. Figuring it would somehow be easier on her. Lame? Yeah I know it was now.

What women say and mean and what men say and mean are different - men and women are VERY different in there ways and in no way can they be considered equal when it comes to expressing their emotions.

With regards to him thinking it is "easier" on me - not the fact in this case. I told him flat out that if he didn't want to work on the relationship to tell me its over - because it doesn't make it easier.

But I can continue to plead my case and no one will side with me - even though many relationship coaches suggest to exhaust all possibilities if both individuals are willing to.

What women say and mean and what men say and mean are different - men and women are VERY different in there ways and in no way can they be considered equal when it comes to expressing their emotions.

With regards to him thinking it is "easier" on me - not the fact in this case. I told him flat out that if he didn't want to work on the relationship to tell me its over - because it doesn't make it easier.

But I can continue to plead my case and no one will side with me - even though many relationship coaches suggest to exhaust all possibilities if both individuals are willing to.
OH I agree he may feel its easier on you when it isn't. Some guys just don't want to be nasty and unkind to a woman that is obviously smitten with them. Trust me I've been there, woman turned out to be a drunk... not to mention a sexual cold fish. But to go out with her friend I really liked I had to take her out alternate nights as well. Yeah... strange relationship I know.

But the more I had to take her out the more smitten she got and the more she made my skin crawl. Eventually I got rid of both but how could I be rude to a woman that obviously thought I was the best thing since sliced bread. She was nice and everything ( outside of a few obvious problems which explained why she was divorced I guess) but I felt really bad trying to tell her I wasn't interested without hurting her. She obviously was having issues and didn't seem too stable.

The fact guys and women DO think differently and the fact women are far less logical in their thought processes then a guy tends to be on average only makes that harder. But in cases like this the guy would like her to decide to walk away, its not the same as him abandoning you.

Now if there is an easier way that most women would agree on in this situation I'm sure many guys would like to hear it. I'm married so it won't apply to me but I know it was a frustrating position to be in and I've been in it a couple times before I met my current wife.

Also in reading the book by the Pease's you will see that a man will do anything to keep a woman from crying. That is the last thing they want to see happen. If they think they are going to hurt you in someone and you will wind up crying they will hold back from doing anything.

(am I right Smoothy?)

In this relationship I am the logical thinker - I always look for a rational explanation, even when I should be using my emotions to make a decision. I usually look for an A or B answer, and I have come to realize that when it comes to personal interactions there isn't always a right or wrong, its simply based on personal feelings and emotions.

With regards to being smitten over him - I already told him I was walking away and that if he realized later that it was a mistake it was his loss - he suggested a compromise. To work on things together, because to be honest the issues that caused the break up were never resolved. If he had not shown an interest to fix our issues then I would have been walking away. Trust me, this is not easy - working on things, admitting you're wrong - its all hard and I have realized this. I was never a person to admit my wrong doings and do something about them - but I know that everyone has their short comings and we need to learn to work together to fix the issues - if I run from this, I will be running from a lot and will never learn how to fix things.

I read the book - in one day actually because I wanted to understand things.

What I don't think you all are understanding is - I did tell him I was walking away - I did not cry, and I even brought him all of his belongings back - he is the one that initiated the compromise.

OK, that clears some things up... Thats going to require some thought before I can say anything.