erlobenauer
Sep 24, 2007, 12:57 AM
If that's OK - if not, just disregard this post, as I'm certainly aware its going to be absolutely long, and people do have important questions on here.
My husband an I met at the age of 16 - worked together, went to school together. We weren't great friends, but we knew a bit about each other. I moved away at the end of my junior year, only to return back in June of 2003. A day after I arrived - I looked for him, and made a visit to see him. Gave him a hug, chatted, gave him my number, and left. He didn't call for a few days ( he claimed to be scared, he was quite the shy character back then ) so I called him. We started haning out daily, as friends of course... as time went on, feeings grew stronger and we were a couple. I broke up with him 3 times from mid aug. to nov, claiming to not know what I wanted, or whom I wanted. He asked me to marry him shortly before the last breakup - after I jokingly talked about eloping, though he didn't know - it wasn't a joke. In Jan 04, we moved in to my dads after an argument arose with my past roommate. I remember praying that night, the first night I was at my dads " God, if were meant to be, I will be pregnant, otherwise, its time to move on " no exaggeration, a week later, I found out I was pregnant. I lost my job shortly after getting the "news" - he found a better job, and we got our own apartment, and married shortly after. He was amazing in every aspect - he pampered me during pregnancy, worked , took care of the house. We got along great, nothing changed - at first. I mean, we always got along great - other than occasional spats I now blame on hormones. He worked his arse of so to say, so I could stay at home ( as he does to this day )
I can't pinpoint exactly where the rough patches started, ( some point after our first was born )but I do know every argument led to malicious threats of divorce - only to be hurtful, after all its what I know - it was instilled in me growing up. Our arguments led to physical acts him shoving and "ordering" conversation, and me ignoring him, saying harsh, hurtful words, shoving back and actually swinging a few times. Things began to go downhill persistantly and almost a year after our first was born, after we'd bought a house and another new vehicle, bills were adding up - and I found out I was pregnant again! I was upset , I absolutely loved this guy, but I felt another child would make me " stuck " - BUt I couldn't handle the arguments that honestly stemmed from my insecurities, my overthinking things, doubting his feelings. Never - no matter how much debt we built up, did we argue about it - he never worried. Never fighting about sex, in laws - you know, the usual things couples fight about. Around 8 months of being pregnant with baby number two, we decided I'd get my tubes tied. ( that's another story ) Six days after my daughter was born, he left for basic training - of course I wanted him to go at first, I hated him at one point, for all that was happening, but I later begged him not to go - telling him I'd never forgive him if he left me alone with his newborn and my 1 1/2 year old. But, I did. Not for me, but for him - joining the army was the best thing he couldve done for himself ( his self confidence - just so many aspects about him had finally changed, and though angry constantly at him, he finally felt good things about himself, as I always had in the past ) As the days went on, I grew to love him more, miss him, appreciate him and what's he was doing for us, our family and our country. All the things I shouldv'e been doing long ago. ( You see, I often told him to choose between his past job and me, I hated his job, knowing he was doing it for the money so we could live comfortably, I never supported him like I thought I was... and how I should have, I know that now. ) After BCT graduation, which the time with him was amazing - he went on to AIT, where I had relocated to just for a short period to see him more. THings were great there, we came home for christmas, and he left again on Jan. 4th of 07 for his first duty station, in another country. And its where our lowest point had hit us - aside from fighting and hitting, and never compromising, being selfish and unappreciative - things sadly got worse. I called and aggravated him, he was stressed and busy - but I did it because so was I. I went out with his brother and sister and law almost every weekend, and drank. Usually I was the DD - ( I'm not a big drinker ) Threatened him as I usually do as you've probably already guessed. He was always so angry, and vulgar, so disrespectful telling me he doesn't care if I ever left him etc. One weekend I decided instead of sitting at the table moping in misery from missing my husband, that I would dance. And it was with a few guys, both friends of family and what not - nothing sexual, nothing emotional just innocent fun. He thought I didn't appreciate him ( I never acted like I was even thankful for what this man was doing ) Well my time came - after all those 'nights' in at the barracks, he went out. I knew something was wrong, I tried calling, he didn't answer until Monday. He said he met someone - she gave him her number, kissed him on the cheek. Days went on, I was devastated and began asking questions - What was her name? Do you like her? Are you leaving me for her? A little time passed and he started telling me he had feelings for her, he was confused didn't know where they would go, that he didn't love me, he felt nothing for me, he didn't want to try because he was tired of trying - that I wasn't the one. I begged for him to reconsider. He stuck to it and with her for what seemed like a lifetime. One day after looking on his friends list of a very popular website, I saw her and began to read messages, and finally got the nerve to send her one asking what was going on with her and my husband, if they had slept together ( he began calling me baby again, and asking if I still wanted to come to where he was ) She replied, with " i think that if things wouldn't have went sour with us, he wouldn't have crawled back to you" in that instand I closed the message, opened his mail up, and read what she had written to him " I thought you told your wife we slept together, guess not - oh well thats on you." I had always asked him, and he had always said no - I pressured him for the truth, and he told me " she says we did, I dont remember "Typical right? To finish this a little shorter - well I came, Im here... to prove I loved him and I forgave him - he confessed on a few occasions, then a few weeks later - told me it was all a set up, a sick joke to make me think about what I wanted and what I'd be losing, and ultimately "testing" my love for him. As in if I came here, he'd know even after all the hurt he put me through. When he told me it was a joke, I was even more hurt _ how could someone hurt me so depply --- INTENTIONALLY?? Then I realized, though I didn't deserve it to this extreme, I made him feel neglected, unloved, unappreciated and alone. It took me a little to realize how much I love him, now more than ever, now much I really do appreciate him,want him in my life, am truly blessed to have a man so wonderful. We both say and have always said divorce isn't an option.
These days we argue less, argue smart, love more deeply appreciate Each other more. We cannot say I love you enough, or touch and kiss enough. I want him to know I love him,and we both try very very heard. We don't want to lose each other. I still need to work on my " threats " but were aboslutely better than we have ever been, and after all of this I think its truly amazing. I know this kind of love doesn't come around often, and I'll fight every day if I have to , to ensure my marriage doesn't end up another sad statistic. We're young but in my opinion we love deeper and fight harder than a lot of other marrieds I know. When times got tough, we made it through, and our love and relationship is so much stronger. We fight harder ( to stay happy ) but we love even harder. Maybe for us, all it took was another chance to get things right, perhaps it took the thought of losing one another to give us our wake up call. We wanted eachother in our lives, and from that moment on, we have never been the same. I never in my wildest dreams thought I would love him as much as i do, especially after all the hurt and pain. But I've changed, hes chagned, together we have changed.
No, we haven't been through it all - not even close, but at this point I feel it doesn't matter what we go through, we can move past it together. Do we know everything there is to know about love and marriage or making things work? ABSOLUTELY NOT - but for us, we know that there are somedays we haveto try harder than other days. He is my best friend, my life partner, my rock - as I am his.And at the end of the day we both know that. Moving past this and working on this has been the hardest thing we have ever done but its more than worth it.
I just wanted to share this - I know people have been through much worse than we may have but I hope that with this someone can stop and think " wow, what are we doing, if two kids can make it work, surely we can. "
Thank you for taking the time to read this, sorry it was so long - please feel free to comment!
My husband an I met at the age of 16 - worked together, went to school together. We weren't great friends, but we knew a bit about each other. I moved away at the end of my junior year, only to return back in June of 2003. A day after I arrived - I looked for him, and made a visit to see him. Gave him a hug, chatted, gave him my number, and left. He didn't call for a few days ( he claimed to be scared, he was quite the shy character back then ) so I called him. We started haning out daily, as friends of course... as time went on, feeings grew stronger and we were a couple. I broke up with him 3 times from mid aug. to nov, claiming to not know what I wanted, or whom I wanted. He asked me to marry him shortly before the last breakup - after I jokingly talked about eloping, though he didn't know - it wasn't a joke. In Jan 04, we moved in to my dads after an argument arose with my past roommate. I remember praying that night, the first night I was at my dads " God, if were meant to be, I will be pregnant, otherwise, its time to move on " no exaggeration, a week later, I found out I was pregnant. I lost my job shortly after getting the "news" - he found a better job, and we got our own apartment, and married shortly after. He was amazing in every aspect - he pampered me during pregnancy, worked , took care of the house. We got along great, nothing changed - at first. I mean, we always got along great - other than occasional spats I now blame on hormones. He worked his arse of so to say, so I could stay at home ( as he does to this day )
I can't pinpoint exactly where the rough patches started, ( some point after our first was born )but I do know every argument led to malicious threats of divorce - only to be hurtful, after all its what I know - it was instilled in me growing up. Our arguments led to physical acts him shoving and "ordering" conversation, and me ignoring him, saying harsh, hurtful words, shoving back and actually swinging a few times. Things began to go downhill persistantly and almost a year after our first was born, after we'd bought a house and another new vehicle, bills were adding up - and I found out I was pregnant again! I was upset , I absolutely loved this guy, but I felt another child would make me " stuck " - BUt I couldn't handle the arguments that honestly stemmed from my insecurities, my overthinking things, doubting his feelings. Never - no matter how much debt we built up, did we argue about it - he never worried. Never fighting about sex, in laws - you know, the usual things couples fight about. Around 8 months of being pregnant with baby number two, we decided I'd get my tubes tied. ( that's another story ) Six days after my daughter was born, he left for basic training - of course I wanted him to go at first, I hated him at one point, for all that was happening, but I later begged him not to go - telling him I'd never forgive him if he left me alone with his newborn and my 1 1/2 year old. But, I did. Not for me, but for him - joining the army was the best thing he couldve done for himself ( his self confidence - just so many aspects about him had finally changed, and though angry constantly at him, he finally felt good things about himself, as I always had in the past ) As the days went on, I grew to love him more, miss him, appreciate him and what's he was doing for us, our family and our country. All the things I shouldv'e been doing long ago. ( You see, I often told him to choose between his past job and me, I hated his job, knowing he was doing it for the money so we could live comfortably, I never supported him like I thought I was... and how I should have, I know that now. ) After BCT graduation, which the time with him was amazing - he went on to AIT, where I had relocated to just for a short period to see him more. THings were great there, we came home for christmas, and he left again on Jan. 4th of 07 for his first duty station, in another country. And its where our lowest point had hit us - aside from fighting and hitting, and never compromising, being selfish and unappreciative - things sadly got worse. I called and aggravated him, he was stressed and busy - but I did it because so was I. I went out with his brother and sister and law almost every weekend, and drank. Usually I was the DD - ( I'm not a big drinker ) Threatened him as I usually do as you've probably already guessed. He was always so angry, and vulgar, so disrespectful telling me he doesn't care if I ever left him etc. One weekend I decided instead of sitting at the table moping in misery from missing my husband, that I would dance. And it was with a few guys, both friends of family and what not - nothing sexual, nothing emotional just innocent fun. He thought I didn't appreciate him ( I never acted like I was even thankful for what this man was doing ) Well my time came - after all those 'nights' in at the barracks, he went out. I knew something was wrong, I tried calling, he didn't answer until Monday. He said he met someone - she gave him her number, kissed him on the cheek. Days went on, I was devastated and began asking questions - What was her name? Do you like her? Are you leaving me for her? A little time passed and he started telling me he had feelings for her, he was confused didn't know where they would go, that he didn't love me, he felt nothing for me, he didn't want to try because he was tired of trying - that I wasn't the one. I begged for him to reconsider. He stuck to it and with her for what seemed like a lifetime. One day after looking on his friends list of a very popular website, I saw her and began to read messages, and finally got the nerve to send her one asking what was going on with her and my husband, if they had slept together ( he began calling me baby again, and asking if I still wanted to come to where he was ) She replied, with " i think that if things wouldn't have went sour with us, he wouldn't have crawled back to you" in that instand I closed the message, opened his mail up, and read what she had written to him " I thought you told your wife we slept together, guess not - oh well thats on you." I had always asked him, and he had always said no - I pressured him for the truth, and he told me " she says we did, I dont remember "Typical right? To finish this a little shorter - well I came, Im here... to prove I loved him and I forgave him - he confessed on a few occasions, then a few weeks later - told me it was all a set up, a sick joke to make me think about what I wanted and what I'd be losing, and ultimately "testing" my love for him. As in if I came here, he'd know even after all the hurt he put me through. When he told me it was a joke, I was even more hurt _ how could someone hurt me so depply --- INTENTIONALLY?? Then I realized, though I didn't deserve it to this extreme, I made him feel neglected, unloved, unappreciated and alone. It took me a little to realize how much I love him, now more than ever, now much I really do appreciate him,want him in my life, am truly blessed to have a man so wonderful. We both say and have always said divorce isn't an option.
These days we argue less, argue smart, love more deeply appreciate Each other more. We cannot say I love you enough, or touch and kiss enough. I want him to know I love him,and we both try very very heard. We don't want to lose each other. I still need to work on my " threats " but were aboslutely better than we have ever been, and after all of this I think its truly amazing. I know this kind of love doesn't come around often, and I'll fight every day if I have to , to ensure my marriage doesn't end up another sad statistic. We're young but in my opinion we love deeper and fight harder than a lot of other marrieds I know. When times got tough, we made it through, and our love and relationship is so much stronger. We fight harder ( to stay happy ) but we love even harder. Maybe for us, all it took was another chance to get things right, perhaps it took the thought of losing one another to give us our wake up call. We wanted eachother in our lives, and from that moment on, we have never been the same. I never in my wildest dreams thought I would love him as much as i do, especially after all the hurt and pain. But I've changed, hes chagned, together we have changed.
No, we haven't been through it all - not even close, but at this point I feel it doesn't matter what we go through, we can move past it together. Do we know everything there is to know about love and marriage or making things work? ABSOLUTELY NOT - but for us, we know that there are somedays we haveto try harder than other days. He is my best friend, my life partner, my rock - as I am his.And at the end of the day we both know that. Moving past this and working on this has been the hardest thing we have ever done but its more than worth it.
I just wanted to share this - I know people have been through much worse than we may have but I hope that with this someone can stop and think " wow, what are we doing, if two kids can make it work, surely we can. "
Thank you for taking the time to read this, sorry it was so long - please feel free to comment!